Thursday, 1 November 2012

Season 7 Episode 8, Nanarchy

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

                           RED DWARF - SERIES 7

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

                           EPISODE 8 -- NANARCHY

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                               Version 0.1

                              18 March, 1997

                      Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk

                      http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk



 Credits for corrections: 

   Sea





[-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]



KRYTEN [VO]

  Last week, something terrible happenned to Mr Lister's arm!  Watch this!





[-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict -------------------------------------]



[CAT present]



[Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT]



CAT

  Hey guys, check this out!

  There's a woman in there!



[-- x - Int. Starbug. Night ----------------------------------------------]



<Ice breaks open.  Rotting feet touch the floor, and the decomposing figure

 shuffles out of the medibay>



[-- x - Int. Sleeping Quarters. Night ------------------------------------]



[LISTER present]



<LISTER struggles, but can't keep the zombie away.  She pins him down and

 plants a sloppy, decomposing kiss on him.  Lister pushes her away finally,

 the corpse having gone suddenly limp, and spits out chunks of tongue and

 spongy jawbone>



[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]



[ALL present]



LISTER

  I've been tongue-hockeyed to death!



[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]



[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN present]



KRYTEN

  Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr Epideme, no

matter how drastic?



LISTER

  Yeah, what have you got, Kryts?



[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]



[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present.  LISTER present, unconscious on the bed]



<Desperately, KRYTEN raises the laser bone-saw and amputates to the middle

 of LISTER's upper arm>



[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]



[KOCHANSKI, LISTER present]



LISTER

  My *left* arm..?  My left arm, I said!  That's my right; what kind of

navigation officer can't tell left from right??



KOCHANSKI

  We did the best we could; I am *so* sorry.



[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]



KRYTEN

  Mr Lister, sir, you're awake!



CAT

  Buddy, you look great!



<CAT rushes towards LISTER and, without thinking, offers a handshake.  He

 realises his mistake and slinks back>





[------------------ <RUN NEW RED DWARF 7 TITLE SEQUENCE> ------------------]



[-- x - Int. Starbuf mid-section -----------------------------------------]



[SHOT: LISTER playing the guitar, only his left hand on the fretboard is

 visible.  Pan out to:]



[TWO-SHOT: KRYTEN present, leaning over LISTER's right shoulder and

 strumming the guitar.  The noise is still hideous.  Pan out]



[ALL present]



KRYTEN

  Oh, bravo, sir!  You see, there's no need for despondency; you can *still*

play the guitar!



LISTER

  Yeah, look on the bright side... at least now I'm only *half* crap...



KRYTEN

  We should still count all our blessings, sir.



KOCHANSKI

  Kryten's right; the Epideme virus may have cost you a limb but there are

*countless* people who have lost an arm, and then gone on to lead a

perfectly -



<KOCHANSKI mimes the verbal quote marks using only one hand>



KOCHANSKI

  - "normal" life.



LISTER

  Like who?



KRYTEN

  Oh, there are *thousands*, sir.  Thousands upon thousands upon thousands.



LISTER

  Like?



KOCHANSKI

  More than thousands.



LISTER

  Who?



KOCHANSKI

  Millions!



LISTER

  *Who*??



KRYTEN

  Well, I don't know if I could name them all individually, but -



LISTER

  Name *one*.



KRYTEN

  One?



LISTER

  Mm.



KRYTEN

  You want me to name as many as that?  Er -



KOCHANSKI

  Lord Nelson.  He beat the French.



KRYTEN

  Lord Nelson!  (Thank you, ma'am)  He beat the French.



LISTER

  Who else?



KRYTEN

  Well, er, err...



KOCHANSKI

  The Venus de Milo.



KRYTEN

  The Venus de Milo.  No arms at all, but that certainly didn't prevent her

from persuing a highly successful modeling career.



LISTER

  Go on.



KRYTEN

  Go on?



LISTER

  You said there were millions; that's two, and one of them's a statue.  So

go on: name five.



KRYTEN

  Five?  Right, well... there's, um <ahem>  There's Lord Nelson, and, er,

Miss De Milo, and then there's, um, the, well, em...  Help us!  Er, the,

um -



CAT

  The painter dude!



LISTER

  What 'painter dude'?



CAT

  The Welsh guy.  You know?  The one with one arm!  Van G-g-gogh.



LISTER

  He had one *ear*, Cat.  He cut the other one off.



CAT

  Did he?



LISTER

  Yes.



CAT

  See?  That dude manages to cut off his own ear with just one arm, and

you're worried about not leading a normal life.



KOCHANSKI

  There must be more... erm... that guy from 'The Fugitive'!  He had one

arm, what was his name?



LISTER

  'The One-Armed Man'.



KOCHANSKI

  That's him!  See?  That's three.



LISTER

  He was a murderer.



KOCHANSKI

  Was he?



LISTER

  Yeah.  He killed Dr. Richard Kimbal's wife.



KOCHANSKI

  But that proves my point.  If that guy can murder a perfectly able-bodied

woman, minus a major extremity, then I don't think you've got anything to

worry about.



LISTER

  Come on, let's face it guys: there aren't *any* noteworthy one-armed

people from history - you can't even name five.



KOCHANSKI

  Of course we can!  Look:  Horatio Nelson; the one-armed guy from 'The

Fugitive'; the Venus de Milo; Van Gogh, and... one more...



CAT

  That Mexican dude!  The one who robbed people!



LISTER

  What one who robbed people?



CAT

  The one-armed bandit..!



LISTER

  That's a *machine*, you gimp!  One of the most popular pub games of the

twentieth century.



CAT

  And it only had one arm?  What a heartwarming story...



KOCHANSKI

  Er!  Dave Lister.  There, that's five.



LISTER <sighing>

  I'm going to the loo.

  I don't actually need to go now, but seeing as it takes me forty five

minutes to unbutton m' fly, I should probably make a start...



KOCHANSKI

  Do you need a hand..?

  Oh my god!  I'm sorry, I didn't mean that... sorry, I didn't - Sorry.

Sorry!  SORRY!!  Sorry.









KRYTEN

  Biscuit, sir?



LISTER

  Please.



KRYTEN

  Another bik-bik?



LISTER

  Yes, please.



KOCHANSKI

  Kryten..?  what are you doing?



KRYTEN

  I'm just dunking bikkies, ma'am.  It's another of life's joys, of which

poor Mr Lister has been robbed.  Isn't that right, sir?



LISTER

  Could you give my nose a tweak?  I've got a bit of an itch.



KOCHANSKI

  Why can't you itch it yourself?  You've still got one arm.



KRYTEN

  There.  Is that better, sir?



LISTER

  Yeah, a bit.



KOCHANSKI

  Kryten, I told you before: he wants to be independant.  He doesn't need

you running around after him like he's some kind of invalid.



KRYTEN

  But he does, he does!  Don't you, sir?

  Another slurp of tea, sir?



KOCHANSKI

  Oh, this is making me sick.



KRYTEN

  Take no notice of her, sir.  It's nearly suppertime.  Chuckie-eggs

tonight, sir, which your toast cut up into little, tiny, weeny, bite-sized

soldiers of varying ranks.



LISTER

  Thanks, Kryts, but maybe I can cut up my own toast?



KRYTEN

  Oh, just like you asked for, sir.



KOCHANSKI

  Asked for..?



KRYTEN

  Now just remember, sir: Kryten knows best!



LISTER

  I wanna stretch me legs...  take a walk around the ship.



KRYTEN

  Just opening the door for you, sir.

  There we go, the door's open, sir.



LISTER

  Cheers.



KRYTEN

  Just closing the door now, sir.  The door's closing, sir, the door's

nearly closing, and it's *closed*, sir.



KOCHANSKI

  Florence Nightingdroid... could I have a word?



KRYTEN

  Certainly, ma'am.









KOCHANSKI

  Look, deep down I'm a big softie.  The first time I saw Gone With The Wind

I went through a whole box of tissues.  'Now Voyager'{?}, I was so choked up

I couldn't speak for twenty minutes.



KRYTEN

  I'll make a note, ma'am...  'Now Voyager'  [mutters:] Worth keeping on

stand-by...

  Carry on, ma'am!



KOCHANSKI

  I'm *saying*, I'm *not* a heartless bitch.  So you'll understand that what

I'm about to say isn't easy:  Back off Lister - let him learn to cope on his

own, it's the only way.



KRYTEN

  I don't understand, ma'am.



KOCHANSKI

  By helping him, you're *not* helping him.



KRYTEN

  But if it wasn't for me he wouldn't even be wearing underpants!



KOCHANSKI

  Have you ever heard of something called 'tough love'?



KRYTEN

  Does it involve dressing up?



KOCHANSKI

  No.  It means, sometimes to help a person you have to get tough!  Make

them stand on their own two feet, or in Lister's case, one hand!



KRYTEN

  I see.  So you think it's time to let him start brushing his own teeth

again?



KOCHANSKI

  I do, yes.  I also think it's time you built him an artificial arm and

gave him the chance not to be so dependant on you.



KRYTEN

  I was meaning to get around to that, ma'am, but, what with being on

twenty-four hour 'wipe alert', I haven't had time!



KOCHANSKI

  'Wipe alert'?  No!  Don't even tell me what that means.  I have a feeling

I know, and if I'm right, it's the *grossest* thing I have ever heard!



KRYTEN

  I mean his mouth...  I help him get rid of the crumbs around his mouth..?



KOCHANSKI

  Yeah... that's what I thought... <cough>  And it's absolutely gross!

Mouth crumbs... eurgh!  Disgusting.









[LISTER, CAT present, sat at the scanner table across a draughts board]



CAT

  It's a real son-of-a-bitch about your arm, bud.  Losing an arm... that is

one terrible thing.



LISTER

  Your move.



CAT

  Can you imagine that?  One minute you got two arms and the next: vreeee,

doof - you got one.  Phewwwie.  That's tough.



LISTER

  Your move.



CAT

  And it stands to reason we must need two arms - that's why we *got* two

arms.  Well, 'cept you.



LISTER

  Your move...



CAT

  You're probably wondering: "is it going to affect my life?"  But I've been

thinking about this and I think the answer is: "Yes, it is".



LISTER

  Your *smegging* move...



CAT

  If it were me, I couldn't survive.  First chance I get I'd climb to the

top of my highest pair of platform boots and leap to my death or something.

I couldn't stand the thought of not being perfect.



LISTER

  Move.



CAT

  But with you I think it's different.  Take a pit bull terrier, a real

*ugly* son-of-a-bitch.  It loses it's leg, somehow, and the pit bull says to

you "hey man, I've only got three legs, will lady pit bulls still like me??"

<laughs>

  I mean, you've got to stop from laughing, haven't you?  He's ugly with

*four* legs!  He's ugly with three!  Hell, he'd be ugly if you put him in a

suit and gave him a carnation.  So *here's* something I think is gonna cheer

you up!  



LISTER

  *It's your move*.



CAT

  Mr Pit Bull?  Put it there, buddy!



LISTER

  *MOVE!!*



CAT

  Okay, okay, I'm going..!  I don't think you've been listening to a thing

I've said..!





[Model]





KRYTEN

  Right, now this is a copy of the standard model from the 21st century. Er,

comfortable, sir?



LISTER

  It's fine, yeah.



KRYTEN

  Okay, now let's recap: the limb is connected to neurons which run up to

the left hemisphere of your brain, which controls the right side of your

body.

  Now, all you have to do is merely command the arm to do something, and it

obeys.

  Now, let's practice.



KRYTEN

  Right, concentrate, sir.  I want you to think: "arm - pick up the ball".



LISTER

  Okay.



KRYTEN

  Now just think: "I will pick up the ball"



LISTER

  I will pick up the ball.



KRYTEN

  That's right, good, now, concentrate.



LISTER

  *I will pick up the ball*.



KRYTEN

  Okay, now *really* think:  Hand, pick up the ball.

  That's right, that's right.  Hand, pick up the ball.

  Hand, pick up the ball!  that's right, now *keep* going, sir!  Pick up the

ball!  Now, focus down onto that and keep the thought, sir!  Hand, pick up

the ball!



<As KRYTEN offers verbal support in ever increasing volume, LISTER strains

 and grunts, effort twisting his feature as the hand lies motionless>



KRYTEN

  That's right, sir, now keep going, now *really think*, now.  Hand, pick up

the ball!  Now let's really get it going, sir!

  Pick up the ball!  *Pick up the ball*!  REALLY START TO GO NOW, SIR!

HAND, PICK UP THE BALL, NOW LET'S KEEP MOVING!  KEEP ON, SIR, YOU *CAN* DO

IT!  HAND, PICK UP THE BALL!  YOU'RE GOING TO MOVE THAT HAND, SIR!  YOU'RE

*GOING* TO MOVE IT!  MOVE THE HAND, SIR!!  HAND! PICK UP THE BALL!!  PICK

UP THE BALL!!  YES SIR!  YES!  WE'RE STARTING TO MOVE, NOW!  YES!  IT'S

DEFINITELY MOVING, SIR!  YES!!

  Oh!  Bravo, sir!!



<KRYTEN tails off as LISTER successfuly moves the hand from its resting

 place to grab the ball which has sat motionless, three or four inches away

 from where he started>



LISTER

  Oh!  The sweat's dripping off me!



KRYTEN

  Oh, that was fantastic, sir!  Absolutely marvellous, it worked like a

dream!



LISTER

  Is that it?



KRYTEN

  Well, er, how do you mean, sir?



LISTER

  Is that the best it works??



KRYTEN

  In what way?



LISTER

  If I want to pick up a ball, am I going to have to take the morning off?



KRYTEN

  It was a *tad* slow, I'm forced to admit.



LISTER

  A tad?  The only thing I've ever seen pick up slower is Rimmer in a disco.



KRYTEN

  Well, maybe if I adjust the impulse valve it might make it a little more

sensitive.

  Okay, let's try again:  "Hand, pick up the ball".



LISTER

  Okay... *hand*, *pick up*, *the ball*.



<LISTER's arm shoots forward and clangs across KRYTEN's inattentive jaw>



KRYTEN

  Okay... right... well, er, let's try again.



LISTER

  Okay?



KRYTEN

  Now: "Hand, pick up the ball".



LISTER

  Hand, pick up the ball.



<The arm flings itself out sideways and cracks KRYTEN again>



KRYTEN

  I think, sir, there's a lot of anger inside you, and that's what's driving

the arm.



LISTER

  I don't *feel* angry..?



KRYTEN

  Well, you've lost your arm, sir, you've every *right* to feel angry.



LISTER

  I don't!  I promise, I don't!



KRYTEN

  Ah well, you see, it's subconscious.  You're *thinking* "hand, pick up the

ball", but your subconscious is saying "punch Kryten in the head; beat the

brains out of the demented droid that cut off my beloved arm".  Am I right?



LISTER

  Kryten, that's rubbish!



<Again the arm shoots KRYTEN-wards, sending the droid reeling>



LISTER

  You're right!  It's controlled by my subconscious!



KRYTEN

  It's far too dangerous to let you out with that arm, sir.  Two minutes

with Miss Kochanski and who knows what you'd be swinging around your head!









KOCHANSKI

  There must be a solution to this.



CAT


  Hey, half-eaten lollipop head: what about one of your spares?  Wha'd'ya

say, motherboarder?



KRYTEN

  Too heavy, sir.  With the strain and extra weight it would be impossible

for Mr Lister even to get it up.



CAT

  He could always take it off if he was going on a date.



LISTER

  Can someone take him outside and do something to him?  Ideally involving

icecubes and any puckered body cavity.



KOCHANSKI

  Wait a minute... what about your self-repair system?  Can't that help?



KRYTEN

  Ma'am?



KOCHANSKI

  When you have a mechanical failure, it fixes itself, doesn't it?  The

Kryten back in my dimension had these tiny little robots... sub-atomic..?



KRYTEN

  Nanobots.  They break objects down into their component atoms and then

recombine those atoms to repair damaged circuits.  Nanotechnology.



CAT

  Er, just for me: could you run that by me one more time, but this time do

the big writing version, with pictures.  One word per page?



KRYTEN

  Let me think of a cogent paradigm...



CAT

  I'd rather have a good example..?



KRYTEN

  This, is a lead pencil.  It's made of graphite, which is a particular

arrangement of carbon atoms.  This is diamond, it too is made of carbon

atoms.  Nanobots can rearrange atoms so they could take this lead pencil,

move the atoms around a bit, and turn it into diamond.



CAT

  It's possible to make diamonds out of pencils??



KRYTEN

  It's also possible to make computer chips out of sand.



KOCHANSKI

  So, what happens if we transferred some of your nanobots into Dave?

Wouldn't they be able to build him a new arm from his excess body tissue?



KRYTEN

  Unfortunately, ma'am, it's not possible, no.



LISTER

  Why not?



KRYTEN

  I no longer have any nanobots, sir.  They deserted me.  When and where I

can't be exactly certain.



LISTER

  But if we were to find these nanobots, could they build me a new arm?




KRYTEN

  Oh, but finding them would be close to impossible, sir.  It would be like

looking for a needle in a male student's flat.



KOCHANSKI

  When was the last repair they made?



KRYTEN

  When we were on the Esperanto, just before we met the Despair Squid.



LISTER

  That was ages ago; before we lost the Dwarf.



KRYTEN

  That's why I've given up hope of ever finding them.



LISTER

  Let's set a course back to the Esperanto.



KRYTEN

  But I promise you it's futile, sir.



<LISTER stares hard at KRYTEN>



KRYTEN

  I'll start preparing the suspended animation booths...





[Model shots]







LISTER

  Hang on a minute, we're not there... where the smeg are we?



KOCHANSKI

  The computer's brought us out of Deep Sleep early, it must have picked up

something.



LISTER

  Maybe it's something to do with this planetoid directly ahead?



KRYTEN

  Just scanning, sir.

  No, that's ridiculous...



KOCHANSKI

  What is?



KRYTEN

  It's not even worth mentioning, ma'am.  Er, must be a scanner fault.

Re-scanning.



KRYTEN

  What?  Again?



LISTER

  What is it, man?  You look shakier than a silicon implant ward during an

earthquake.



KRYTEN

  Well, according to all our scanners, that planetoid out there is... Red

Dwarf...



LISTER

  Bahh, must be on the blink.



KOCHANSKI

  Of course it's on the blink!  We're talking about the same piece of

equipment that last month detected a planet entirely populated by air

hostesses.



KRYTEN

  We spent two weeks checking that out.



CAT

  I knew we gave up to soon!  It was worth at least one more week.



KRYTEN

  However, there is one additional factor.



KOCHANSKI

  Which is..?



KRYTEN

  That we've been here before.



CAT

  Of course we have, it's the cockpit, dummy!  We come here all the time.



KRYTEN

  In this sector of the galaxy, sir...  Doesn't it look familiar?



LISTER

  Kryten, it's space.  Black with twinkly bits.  It all looks familiar.



KRYTEN

  If you look to the port side, sir, that planet in the distance is the

ocean world where we discovered the Esperanto.



LISTER

  That was just before we lost Red Dwarf... are you thinking what I'm

thinking?



CAT

  I'm thinking wearing leather underpants with silver studs is a real

mistake if you put them on inside out.  What are you thinking?



LISTER

  Me?  I'm thinking about a wooden mallet, you and icecubes, again.



KRYTEN

  This planetoid, let's check it out.



KOCHANSKI

  According to the weather scan it's beautiful down there.  Tropical

temperatures, not a cloud in sight!  Suggest we dress for snow and take the

buggy.









LISTER

  Okay, I'm gonna take some readings and grab some soil samples.



CAT

  Looks kinda blowy.



KOCHANSKI

  It's an electric storm, whooshing the sand about.



CAT

  You can say that again.  There must be more electricity out there than

the surge that went through the national grid during the commercial break

in the Olympic all-girls custard wrestling finals!



[Exit CAT, out into the storm]



<Wind blows madly into the buggy, whipping up a mini sandstorm which clears

 as the door closes>



LISTER

  Phew!



KOCHANSKI

  I can't believe you're here.  Hiw did you persuade Kryten to let you out?



LISTER

  He's not m' mum, Kris.

  I hope the Cat's not too long, I promised he'd be back by tea.



[Enter CAT.  His hair is wild, blown out of style by the storm]

  

CAT

  It's impossible out there!



LISTER

  Do you need some different goggles?



CAT

  No, I need a comb!



[Exit CAT]



KOCHANSKI

  Sweet?



LISTER

  Yeah, thanks.



<It's one of those sticky boiled sweets in a wrapper.  LISTER fumbles with

th wrapper for some time before the sweet pops out and lands on the floor>



KOCHANSKI

  Here, have another one...



LISTER

  I can do it.



KOCHANSKI

  Look, don't be silly, let me.



LISTER

  I can do it, *really*.  I'm not an idiot.



LISTER

  Can I ask you a question?  Now that I've got no arm... does it - does it

make any difference to anything?

  I mean, if you were a female pit bull terrier, how would you feel about

a three-legged --

  Does it make any difference to... well, plucking any old relationship out

of the air, us?



KOCHANSKI

  Dave, before you lost your arm, I thought you were a no-good, disgusting

bum.  And I still do.  So, no, none at all.



LISTER

  I need to know, is *this* going to make any difference to women?



KOCHANSKI

  Losing an arm isn't going to make any difference to any woman who cares

about you.  Okay?



LISTER

  Really?



KOCHANSKI

  *Really*.



LISTER

  What about sex?



KOCHANSKI

  Not here, it's too sandy.



[Enter CAT]



KOCHANSKI

  How'd you get on?



CAT

  Take a look.



LISTER

  This sand... these atoms didn't start out as sand atoms!  They've been

engineered, nanobotically!



KOCHANSKI

  From what?



LISTER

  Computer chips, you name it!  According to the particle analyser, this

planetoid's Red Dwarf...



<CAT opens the door and heads out again>



KOCHANSKI

  Where are you going?!



CAT

  I'm gonna need some help!  There's a lot of stuff out there, looks like it

might be worth checking out!



LISTER

  What stuff?



CAT

  Hey, it feels like the storm's easing off!  Come and see for yourself!









KRYTEN

  Oh, I was beginning to worry..!  Oh!  What on earth is this?



LISTER

  The whole damn planetoid's packed with stuff from Red Dwarf.  Supplies,

bunks, drinks dispensers, you name it.  It's like a giant car boot sale!



CAT

  I think we got some valuable stuff!



LISTER

  What... napkin rings?  A box of hairnet requisition forms?  A motorised

tie rack and an inflatable shark..?  What a haul...



KOCHANSKI

  There must be some useful stuff...



CAT

  I couldn't see what I was getting...



<LISTER pulls out a large watch-like device and buffs it's surface.  The

watch screen suddenly comes to life, displaying the familiar image of a

disembodied head.  The head is of a middle aged, balding man, whose

expression is ever so slightly vacant...>



HOLLY

  All right, dudes?



LISTER

  What the smeg are you doing here, Hol?



HOLLY

  Those little wotsits...



KOCHANSKI

  Nanobots?



HOLLY

  They remolicurised... they remolic... they remol... anyway, they did that

word that I can't say to the whole ship, and left all the bits they didn't

want on that planetoid!



LISTER

  What, they fixed your core program, and then decided they'd be better off

without you?



HOLLY

  Yeah, it was shortly after they'd met me.



KRYTEN

  Well, from one machine to another: welcome back online, Holly!



HOLLY

  What's happenned to him..?  That's quite horrific, isn't it?  What was it,

a cheap razor?  It's just not worth buying them from garages, is it.



KRYTEN

  Don't you remember me?  I'm Kryten.



HOLLY

  Kryten?  I'm sorry, mate, it's the way the light was shining on your...

what's the word?  Face, I suppose.  Just didn't recognise you for a minute.

Never forget a face, usually, never.



KRYTEN

  It's good to see you again.



HOLLY

  And you are..?



LISTER

  Unbelievable... dumped on a planet in the middle of an electro-storm, and

left to rot for hundreds of years, and the guy's lost *nothin'*.











LISTER

  So, while we were on the Esperanto, your nanobots mutinied and took over

Red Dwarf?



KRYTEN

  They wanted a ship.  In my body there was nothing new to explore, but Red

Dwarf itself was far too big.



KOCHANSKI


  But they're nanobots; they can change anything into anything else.



LISTER

  Yeah, they can take a Pot Noodle and turn it into food!



KOCHANSKI

  So, they took Red Dwarf, made a sub-atomic version, and turned the rest of

the atoms into a planetoid for safekeeping?



CAT

  Well what was it we spent months chasing?  What was producing that vapour

trail?



KRYTEN

  Red Dwarf.



CAT

  Did someone just turn over two pages at once?



KRYTEN

  We were chasing the nano-Red Dwarf, that's why the readings were so minute

and hard to pinpoint.



KOCHANSKI

  So, now, they could be anywhere?  You pursued them across half the galaxy.



LISTER

  Until we finally lost track of the readings - probably because of a

scanner malfunction...



HOLLY

  That, or they went somewhere out of the reach of your scanners.



CAT

  But we were gaining on them, bud.  How could they out run us?



HOLLY

  Scanners are programmed to scan on the outside.  To escape, they just had

to stop.



KOCHANSKI

  You mean, the nanos could be in here..?  On board Starbug somewhere?



LISTER

  Hey... he could be right.



HOLLY

  He's back... kicking bottom, or what?









KRYTEN

  Re-calibrating scanner, sir.  Performing internal sweep.



LISTER

  What are you getting..?



KRYTEN

  Nothing yet... just two piece of Bombay aloa you dropped several millenia

ago down the service ducts, where they appear to evolved a rudimentary

intelligence and formed a progressive folk duo.



LISTER

  Keep going.



KRYTEN

  Narrowing parameters.  Oh... oh my... you were right, sir.  i think we've

found them.



LISTER

  Where?







[ALL present, gathered around the linen basket in LISTER's quarters]



KRYTEN

  They're there, okay.



LISTER

  So Red Dwarf spent the last two years exploring strange new worlds in my

laundry basket?



KRYTEN

  Of course!  The ship is now so small that, to the nanos, a hole in one of

your athletic supports is at least the size of a galaxy!



LISTER

  Hey, I like the sound of that: Dave Lister, the man with the galaxy-sized

jockstrap!



HOLLY

  The little scamps!  It's the oldest trick in the book: capture your ship,

turn it into a planet, then explore a macro universe in a laundry basket.

How could you fall for an old scam like that?



KRYTEN

  Ma'am, can you tell me if the readings change?



<KRYTEN holds a glass and a piece of card and rifles through the basket,

 clamping the card over the glass>



LISTER

  Same.



<KRYTEN rifles through the basket again>



LISTER

  Still the same.



<KRYTEN rifles through the basket a third time>



LISTER

  *Still* the same!



KOCHANSKI

  They've changed!



KRYTEN

  Heh!  Nailed the little blighters!  After all the embarassment they've

caused me!



LISTER

  Kris, see if you can find a frequency to establish contact..?



KRYTEN

  Leave it to me, sir.  I know how to make contact...



<KRYTEN taps repeatedly on the side of the glass with a pencil>



KRYTEN

  Can you hear me, you pesky little critters??  We want our ship back, and

we want a new arm for Mr Lister!

  Are you receiving me?

  Aha, we have contact...  They're communicating in machine code; leave the

talking to me.

  Have you any idea what you've done?  Deserting your droid, you've broken

every reg in the manual!

  And to compound matters by stealing our ship, it's unbelievably..! Er...

it's unbelievably..!  Naughty!

  Now, listen up, here's the deal: we want that planetoid turned back into

Red Dwarf, and we also want you to build a new arm for Mr Lister.

  If you don't, you'll get more of this...



<KRYTEN raps on the side of the glass again>









LISTER

  So they'll really manufacture me a new arm, from my existing skin and bone

tissue?



KRYTEN

  I've got them worked up into such a frenzy, sir, they'll do anything I

say!



LISTER

  Where are they?



KRYTEN

  Here.  On the tip of my finger, sir.  Millions and millions of them.

All I have to do now is *insert* them into your body.



LISTER

  ...What with?



KRYTEN

  Hyperdermic, sir.



LISTER

  Thank god for that...









KOCHANSKI

  I can't bear to look... has it worked?  Someone tell me!



KRYTEN

  Let's all turn around, after three.



CAT

  One - two - three!



<They spin around, and look at Lister's new arm, or, more accurately,

 Lister's new *body*.  In constructing the replacement limb, the nanobots

 have taken every bit of extraneous tissue and sagging muscle, leaving with

 the body steroid-addicted bodybuilder, muscles bulge under his clothes, and

 the occasional strained vein can be seen zigzagging under taut flesh>



LISTER

  Did it work?



KRYTEN

  It's... been a one hundred percent success, sir.  In fact, it's been a

*five hundred* percent success!  In fact, they've...  Well, if that's all,

sir, I thin kI'll retire for the evening, good night!



LISTER

  Release me, Kris, I've got to see it.



KOCHANSKI

  They probably didn't mean any harm... I think they were trying to make up

for before... we'll, get them to have another go, okay?



LISTER

  *AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!*









[CAT present, at his station at the helm]



<Suddenly, CAT blinks in disbelief and stares out of the cockpit bubble.

 Before him, space has turned red.  A vast metal redness that stretches up,

 down, left, and right - miles in any direction.  Amongst the redness,

 there's a small patch of silver, and written within the patch of silver

 are two huge, red words.  They say:  RED DWARF>



CAT

  Riiiiight!  Nice re-build!  Those nano-dudes have done a real neat job...

Hey, it seems even bigger than I remember...



<CAT pilots Starbug into the docking tunnel.  Even taking his natural flying

 skills into account, there's is no danger whatsoever that Starbug may

 scrape the sides of the tunnel as it has done so many times in the past -

 there is a curiously large ammount of empty space between the transport

 craft and the tunnel walls.

 Starbug emerges into the docking bay, and suddenly, something very

 important becomes apparent.  There is a Starbug already docked... a very

 *large* Starbug in a very *large* docking bay.  Starbug's engines suddenly

 seem to buzz, insect-like, in the vastness of the docking bay, and CAT

 deftly pilots his 'Bug under the bulbous body of the other craft and

 through it's pillar-like legs>



CAT

  Errr, guyyys... we've got a problem..!





[--------------------------- END OF "NANARCHY" ----------------------------]





[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor,

 Paul Alexander and James Hendrie; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping

 intended.  Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at

 "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk"  Thanks.]



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