Thursday, 1 November 2012

Season 7 Episode 3 - Ouroboros

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                           RED DWARF - SERIES 7
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                          EPISODE 3 -- OUROBOROS
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                               Version 1.0
                            2-4 February, 1997
                       Last updated: 31 March, 1997
                      Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
                      http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk

 Credits for corrections: 
   Sea, Annette McIntosh


[-- 1 - Int. Empty pub ----------------------------------------------------]

<A pair of hands, their owner out of view, push a large cardboard box
 underneath a zero-gravity pool table.  A single word written in black
 marker pen adorns the side of the box, and reads: 'Ouroboros'. The owner
 of the box leaves without being seen accompanied by a strange 'whooshing'
 noise, the source of which casts a momentary red glow on the floor.  The
 small leg of a baby can be seen in the box, kicking at its blankets>

[A caption appears on screen:
 THE AIGBURTH ARMS, LIVERPOOL
    NOVEMBER 26th, 2155]

[Enter CUSTOMER]

CUSTOMER
  All right?  Anyone servin' or what?

BARMAID [OOV]
  With you in a minute, luv.

[Both speakers have distinct Liverpudlian accents]

[FX: baby sounds]

<Hearing the baby fretting, the CUSTOMER walks over to the pool table and
 discovers the box.  He picks it up and finds the baby wrapped in blankets
 inside.  He takes it back to the bar>

[Enter BARMAID, appearing behind the metal grating that seals off the bar
 area]

BARMAID
  'Ello, Frank, pet.  What can I get for you?

CUSTOMER
  Look at this - a just found it under the pool table.

<The barmaid opens a hinged section of the grating and the customer passes
 the box through>

BARMAID
  Any note?

CUSTOMER
  No, not'in'.

BARMAID <peering inside the box>
  Oh!
  They've written its name on the side, 'ere.
  'Our Rob, or Ross'

CUSTOMER
  Yeah, look at the way it's spelt - they must've been thicker than a ticket
tout's wad.  Couldn't even decide on a name.

BARMAID
  Aw, poor little mite.  I wonder what'll become of 'im?  Som'thin'
terrible, no doubt...


[-- 2 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]

[LISTER present.  He appears to be giving himself something of a hygeine
 overhaul.  Tufts of cotton wool protrude from his ears, presumably to soak
 excess ear wax.  Shaving foam covers the right-hand side of his face and
 in one hand he holds a razor which he runs down his jawline while brushing
 his teeth with his other hand. This completed to his satisfaction, LISTER
 picks up a pair of cooking tongs and, fully anticipating agony, pulls out
 an overtly protruding nasal hair.  He cringes>

LISTER
  I hate doin' that - I *hate* doin' that.

<Suddenly a sneeze overtakes LISTER, and something is blasted out of his
 mouth to tinkle and lose itself against the bathroom equipment>

LISTER
  Smeg!  I've just sneezed out my cap!

[Enter KRYTEN.  He carries a washing basket and fresh bedclothes]

KRYTEN
  Just thought I'd change your linen before you turn in for the night, sir.

LISTER
  Kryten, something terrible's happenned: I've lost my cap.

<KRYTEN pulls out LISTER's deerstalker from his washing basket>

KRYTEN
  No, no, here it is, sir.  I've just finished giving it its monthly scrape.

LISTER
  My *tooth* cap... the one you made from the skeleton in the medi-bay.

KRYTEN
  Oh, I see.

<LISTER glances at the table where KRYTEN placed the basket>

LISTER
  Heyy, here it is.  I need some glue to stick it in; I've just got that
needly, pointy thing - I look disgusting.

KRYTEN
  Let me see -

LISTER
  No, no - I look all needly, pointy and disgusting.

KRYTEN
  Let me see, sir.  I'm a mechanoid, for goodness' sake.  I won't be
revolted no matter *how* you look.

LISTER
  Okay.

KRYTEN
  Oh my god, it's hideous!

<KRYTEN unexpectedly lets out a high pitched giggle>

LISTER
  Yes, yes, very funny - just fix it.

KRYTEN
  It'll take about half an hour to prepare some dental adhesive.

LISTER
  Oh, gimme some wood glue - you can re-do it in the mornin'.

KRYTEN
  Wood glue?  Are you sure, sir?  I don't want you to get your lips glued
together, now be careful!

<LISTER turns to the mirror and slathers glue over his 'needly, pointy
 thing' before sticking his cap back into place>

KRYTEN
  Oh, incidentally, I just found some old clothes in one of the storage
lockers.

<KRYTEN takes out a pair of fluffy bunny slippers from his basket, placing
 them on the table, and holds up a very pink, very frilly, very ladies
 dressing gown>

LISTER <appreciatively>
  Eyyyy, I need a dressing gown.

KRYTEN
  Well, that's what I thought.  I thought if I remove the trim, and let it
out a little bit, obviously dye it, well I think it could be just dandy.

<LISTER lets KRYTEN help him put on the gown over his shirt>

LISTER
  Yeah, nice one, Kryts.

KRYTEN
  Oh, perhaps I could take the necessary measurements now, sir?

<LISTER stands with his arms outstretched and KRYTEN begins to take
 measurements with a tape measure>

LISTER
  I wonder why guys have nostril hair.

KRYTEN
  I think its nature's way of telling you its time to buy a flat cap and a
pair of driving gloves, sir.

LISTER
  Worst, are those guys who just let it grow.  They look like they've got,
like, half a loo-brush lodged up each nostril.  They look like those
machines that shine your shoes.

KRYTEN
  Curious, isn't it, that most women aren't similarly afflicted.  Obviously
I'm excluding women who work in Oxfam shops.

LISTER
  Hey, it evens itself out, doesn't it.  Women have the agony of childbirth
and we have -

<LISTER gestures with his tongs and snaps them together>

LISTER
  - this.

<LISTER yanks another stray hair from his nice and cringes>

LISTER <voice laced with pain>
  They don't know they're born!  They don't!

<LISTER picks up a pack of dental floss and begins to clean his front teeth.
 After a moment, his sideways motion suddenly stops.  He tugs for a moment,
 alarmed, before realisation dawns>

LISTER
  What is *wrong* with me?  Now I've got a box of floss attached to my face!

[Enter CAT.  He takes in LISTER's dressing gown, cotton wool ears, and
 dental floss arrangement]

CAT
  Heyyy... nice outfit.

LISTER
  Did you come in 'ere for a reason?

CAT
  Oh yeah!  Something's showing up on the long range scan which is *weird*
with a capital 'we'.

LISTER
  Can you be a tad more scientific?

CAT
  Come again?

KRYTEN
  Er, is it a 'wibbly thing', or a 'swirly thing', sir?

CAT
  At this early stage I'd hate to commit myself and wind up looking a fool!
Come see for yourself.

[Exit CAT]

<LISTER takes the slippers from the table and begins to put them on>

LISTER
  'Wibbly thing', or 'swirly thing', and he refuses to commit himself...

<LISTER takes the dangling strands of floss and its box and drapes them over
 his shoulders>

LISTER
  He's losing it, he really is.

[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER]


[-- 3 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------]

[Deep Space.  A dangerous-looking, undulating mass of orange-coloured energy
 lies ahead of Starbug]


[-- 4 - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present, at stations]

KRYTEN
  It's some kind of power surge that's causing a major disturbance in the
fabric of Space-Time.

CAT
  It's also causing a major disturbance in the fabric of my pants!

LISTER
  It's almost like a tear...

KRYTEN
  Perhaps a temporal rift?

CAT
  I'm gonna turn this tub around a try to out-run it.

LISTER
  Get real, man - that thing out there's going faster than a copy of
'Hello!' in a nunnery.

[Outside Starbug, we see the rift grow larger as Starbug approaches.  Blue
 space and stars appear to be within it]

KRYTEN
  Suggest we treat it like a tidal wave, sir, and head straight for the 'eye
of the storm'.

LISTER
  Cat -

CAT
  Pshhh!

LISTER
  Go for it, man.  The eye of the storm.

<Starbug dives into the rapidly expanding rift, and is quickly caught up
 in rippling eddies that shake the craft around and spin it on it's axis.
 Some of the smaller, more delicate components in the cockpit expire in 
 small showers of sparks, but the ship in general seems to survive>

KRYTEN
  We seem to be through the worst of it!  But I'm picking up some kind of
subspace energy disturbance down on the engineering deck.


[-- 5 - Int. Starbug engineering deck ------------------------------------]

[This is a dark and quiet corridor within Starbug, with one particular
 feature of interest: where once was one section of the side wall, there is
 now a shimmering, pulsating wall of blue light]

[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, CAT]

KRYTEN
  According to the psi-scan, the membrane between two realities has
temporarily collapsed.  This is some kind of 'hyperway', through non-space
to a parallel dimension.

LISTER
  Let's have a goosey...

[LISTER steps tentatively into the Way, followed by KRYTEN and CAT]


[-- 6 - Int. Within the Way -----------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present.  The Dwarfers walk slowly along a ethereal
 blue tunnel, seemingly constructed of misty azure laser light.  It manages
 to convey a suggestion of being structurally unsound, giving slightly
 beneath the weight of their steps]

<CAT's foot tears through the base of the hyperway, and KRYTEN grabs his arm
 and pulls him up. Revealed beyond the Way is an inky blackness beneath
 filled with fast-flowing ribbons of mist>

KRYTEN
  Careful, sir.  The linkway's about as stable as an Italian taxi driver
who's got stuck behind two old priest in a Skoda.

CAT
 What the hell *is* that?

KRYTEN
  'Non-space', sir. An abyss of infinite nothingness, where Time doesn't
seem to exist.

LISTER
  Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night...


[-- 7 - Int. Within the Way -----------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present]

<From the opposite end of the Way, three figures step into view from a
 backdrop of bright light.  Mirror images of the Dwarfers, there is a
 Parallel KRYTEN, identical but for a gold body shell; a Parallel CAT,
 immaculately dressed and aloof; and finally a Parallel LISTER; smartly
 dressed, self-assured, and...>

P.LISTER
  How's it going?

LISTER
  You're a hologram...

P.LISTER
  Hard light.

LISTER
  So, in your dimension Lister died?

P.LISTER
  In the radiation leak that wiped out Red Dwarf.

LISTER
  Well, why didn't you get put into stasis like me?  What happenned?

P.LISTER
  Remember coming back from shore leave on Mimas..?

LISTER
  I'd taken a couple'a days off to get over Kochanski.  Yeah, I remember...

[We cut to flashback]


[-- 8 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------]

[The Red Dwarf in orbit around Mimas.  A shuttle approaches, bringing crew
 back from shore leave]


[-- 9 - Int. Red Dwarf customs area ---------------------------------------]

[RIMMER present, standing in an embarkation corridor in a Red Dwarf customs
 area.  This is the Red Dwarf pre-accident, and is pretty much as it was in
 series 1/2 time - masses of dull, grey metal and bored JMC staff.  RIMMER
 stands at the end of the corridor, close to the customs desk.  He is
 peering down the corridor which is out of shot, and holds a recognition
 card marked "Smeg head"]

[Enter LISTER.  He pushes a trolley before him piled with bags]

RIMMER
  Where the hell have you been?  I've reported you as A.W.O.L.

LISTER
  I've been on shore leave, man.  Didn't you get my message?

<A Customs officer points to LISTER's bags and he begins transferring them
 to the officer's desk>

RIMMER
  You're supposed to apply to a superior officeer before you get shore
leave, Lister.


LISTER
  Look, give me a break.  Ever since Kochanski split up with me I've needed
some time on my own, okay?

RIMMER
  Kochanski dumped you?

LISTER
  Yeah.

RIMMER
  She really dumped you?

LISTER
  Yes!

RIMMER
  But you didn't tell me!  You should have told me!  Are you really
heartbroken?

LISTER
  I dunno, man, y'know.

RIMMER
  You are, aren't you!

LISTER
  Okay, yes!  Yes!

<The Customs officers check LISTER's items, all typical example's of tourist
 junk, and pass them back for LISTER to load back on to his trolley>

RIMMER
  Didn't I tell you you'd never bridge that class division?  Take her:
navigation officer, cadet school, Space Corps., well-spoken, can stay awake
during operas, knows her cheeses.  She's class.  And you?  What are you?
I don't mean to sound cruel but in comparison you're scum.  And second-rate
scum, at that.

LISTER
  Yeah, but remember, I used to be fourth-rate scum - I've dragged meself up
by my bootstraps, bub.

<LISTER heads off and RIMMER trails behind, trying to get LISTER's
 attention>


[-- 10 - Int. Red Dwarf crew locker area ----------------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, RIMMER.  LISTER steers his trolley through a tightly winding
 corridor, lined on both sides by rank after rank of small, iron-doored
 lockers]

RIMMER
  Listy -
  Listy - 

RIMMER
  Your type isn't Kochanski, Listy.  It's someone called 'Tiffany'.  It's
someone who drinks Campari and soda and wears orange crotchless panties;
someone who thinks Deely-boppers are funny; someone who says 'sumfink'
instead of *something*, and laughs like a freshly wounded moose strapped to
a cement mixer.

<LISTER stops beside his locker, opens it, and begins to transfer his haul
 into it>

LISTER
  This from a man who's had less sex than a lettuce...

RIMMER
  Oh, har har.

LISTER
  Rimmer, people who say 'har har' have no sense of humour, they just can't
think of a witty retort.

RIMMER
  [beat]
  Oh, har har.

<RIMMER turns and walks away>

<Enter KOCHANSKI from around a corner.  She looks pensive, and approaches
 LISTER slowly.  RIMMER spins around as she passes him and smarms up, his
 introduction attracting LISTER's attention, to KOCHANSKI's annoyance>

RIMMER
  Ah, Ms Kochanski, ma'am.  I don't suppose you've read my proposal for a
new Space Corps. salute?  It's just, I'm trying to get the support of the
officers to have it replace the conventional one.  I don't want to pressure
you but it *is* rather important, because if you like it, that brings the
overall total of officers who are right behind it up to... one.

KOCHANSKI
  Rimmer?

RIMMER
  Yes, ma'am?

KOCHANSKI
  Have sex with someone and that's an order.

RIMMER [embarassed]
  Yes, ma'am.  Right away, ma'am.

LISTER
  'Ere:

<LISTER digs a card out of his pocket and hands it to RIMMER>

LISTER
  Ring this number, say I sent ya, tell 'em it's an emergency.

<KOCHANSKI tries to hide a laugh>

[Exit RIMMER, flustered]

KOCHANSKI
  Hi

LISTER
  Mmm.

KOCHANSKI
  I just wanted to say, look, I'm sorry... for the 'Dear John'.  It was
cowardly.

LISTER <acts as if he doesn't understand>
 Oh, that!  Sorry, I'd completely forgot.  It seems like years ago.

KOCHANSKI
  It was last week...

LISTER
  Was it?

KOCHANSKI
  Mm-hmm.

LISTER
  Must've got over it -

<LISTER snaps his fingers>

LISTER
  - just like that.

[Exit LISTER]

KOCHANSKI <following>
  Oh come on, Dave!


[-- 11 - Int. Red Dwarf crew locker area ----------------------------------]

[LISTER present]

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

KOCHANSKI
  It's just, we weren't going anywhere!

LISTER
  How could we?  We never got out of bed.

<They stop walking>

KOCHANSKI
  Look, there's more to life than hanging out in your bunk, eating delivery
curries and having fantastic sex.

LISTER
  Frankly, I find that very hard to believe...

KOCHANSKI
  I just wanted to see if we could be friends...

LISTER
  Do you mean give it another go?

KOCHANSKI
  No, no.  I'm, er, back with Tim now.

LISTER
  Tim??  That guy is such a poser!  The way he always wears that white suit
and that big white floppy hat...

KOCHANSKI
  He's a chef!

LISTER
  Yeeaahhh, but the way he always poses around, in the officers club,
smoking those black cigarettes.  Such a phoney.

<A mewing sound is heard, and KOCHANSKI pulls open LISTER's jacket.  She
 reaches into the inside pocket and removes a small black cat>

KOCHANSKI [incredulous]
  Do you know what you'll get for smuggling a cat on board??

LISTER
  What, cat-martialed?

KOCHANSKI
  I'm serious!  As serving N.O. I'm supposed to report this!

LISTER
  So report it, get me put into stasis for six months.

KOCHANSKI
  Don't you know how dangerous it is to smuggle in an unquarantined animal?

LISTER [sarcastically]
  I was lonely - I'd just been dumped by my girlfriend...

KOCHANSKI
  It breaks every reg. in the manual...

[Exit KOCHANSKI]


[-- 12 - Int. Red Dwarf waste disposal area -------------------------------]

[Enter KOCHANSKI.  This is a dingy area of the ship decorated with gloomy
 paintwork, red lighting and large industrial machinery]

<KOCHANSKI stops at the small door of a machine labelled 'Disintegrator' and
 opens it.  She puts the cat into the unit, closes the door and taps
 commands into the console.  Gazing at the cat as the unit begins to power
 up, KOCHANSKI relents at the the last moment, opens the door and takes out
 the cat>

KOCHANSKI <holding the feline up to her face>
  Just don't get caught or I'm out cold for six months, okay??


[-- 13 - Int. Inside the Way ----------------------------------------------]

[Cut back to present time.  We are once more within the shimming blue
 linkway]

[LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, P.LISTER, P.CAT, P.KRYTEN present]

LISTER
  So you didn't get put into stasis, and died with the rest of the crew..?

P.LISTER
  Then Holly brought me back as a hologram.

LISTER
  So what happenned to Kochanski?

P.LISTER
  They found the cat, and she got six months in stasis.

LISTER
  Does that mean...

[Enter KOCHANSKI.  Like LISTER, she has changed somewhat since her days on
 board Red Dwarf.  Rather than cling to the Space Corps. (like Rimmer with
 his uniforms) and to her Officer's status, the Parallel KOCHANSKI could be
 said to be dressed for action.  Her dark, shoulder-length hair is arranged
 and fastened atop her head, and she wears a shiny, tight-fitting red
 catsuit]

<LISTER, suddenly acutely aware of his own wardrobe, attempts to smarten
 himself up, tuggling at the floss dangling from his teeth before finally
 settling for scooping his dangling strands up into his mouth>

KOCHANSKI
  Hi.

<She looks LISTER up and down>

LISTER
  You look great!

KOCHANSKI
  You look pretty amazing yourself...

KOCHANSKI
  So in this dimension you didn't die?  You're an alternate version of
Dave...

LISTER
  Well, I like to think of myself as the definitive version, y'know?  Honed
to perfection by Time and evolution.

<LISTER sucks up a loose strand of floss nonchalantly>

KOCHANSKI <eying LISTER again>
  I can see why you think that, yeah.

P.KRYTEN
  Sirs, er, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours before the dimensional tear
self-repairs and we loose the linkway.  I suggest we might spend some of
that time exchanging supplies and information.

P.LISTER
  We could update your hydrogen ram-drive to a tachyon-powered engine core?

CAT
  And in return, maybe we could unscrew all those old pickle jars you can't
open!

KOCHANSKI
  There is *something* you could do for us...

LISTER
  Yeah?

KOCHANSKI
  At some point I want to have children.  It's a slightly pervy thing to
ask, especiually seeing as we've only just met, but perhaps you could -

LISTER
  Yeah..?

KOCHANSKI
  After all, we've been... y'know, lovers...  Perhaps you could -

LISTER
  Yeah??

<KOCHANSKI holds up a small double chambered bottle>

KOCHANSKI
  Fill this up.  It's a self- gamet-mixing in-vitro tube.  I'm... already in
there; it just needs your... contribution.

LISTER
  So it worked out for you guys, then.

<KOCHANSKI and the Parallel LISTER loop arms around each other>

LISTER <bitterly>
  Congratulations.

<Before anything further can be said, a sudden explosion rocks the flimsy
 Linkway, almost knocking those present off their feet.  KRYTEN frantically
 taps commands into his Psi-scanner>

KRYTEN
  Gelf ship!  Somehow they've managed to infiltrate non-space!

<A second shot fired by the Gelfs impacts upon the Linkway with an explosion
 that rips the base of the delicate structure apart - the ragged ends
 seperated by a distance of 10 feet or so, only held together by the roof
 of the Way.  Off-balance, KOCHANSKI falls but manages to grab the strap of
 a box carried in by the Parallel Lister and placed on the floor of the
 tunnel.  The Parallel LISTER dives on the box to stop KOCHANSKI dragging
 her support away with her, and stretches his arm down into non-space>

P.LISTER
  Chris!  Give me your hand!

LISTER <to KRYTEN>
  Hang on to m' feet, man!

<LISTER drops to the base of the Linkway and lies prone, then shuffles his
 body down over the lip of the tear, reaching out to the struggling
 KOCHANSKI>

CAT <of the box's strap>
  It's gonna give!

<Suddenly inspired, LISTER lets out his dental floss, KOCHANSKI grabs it
 and LISTER, wincing with the strain, hauls her up and onto the 'wrong' side
 of the Way.  Just as she reaches safety, the Gelfs launch a third salvo and
 the tunnel begins to shake itself apart.  A third explosion succeeds in
 ripping the Linkway in two and KOCHANSKI, catching the brunt of the
 explosive seperation, is rendered unconscious; Lister scoops her into his
 arms.  The two crews are forced back into their respective ships - the link
 between their two dimensions lost...>


[-- 14 - Int. Starbug Medi-bay --------------------------------------------]

[KOCHANSKI present, unconscious on the medi-bay's bed, LISTER anxiously
 hovering over her.  KRYTEN fires a hypo-spray into her neck them moves away
 to study her charts.  KOCHANSKI's eyes flutter open, and she wraps her arms
 around LISTER and pulls him close to her]

KOCHANSKI
  I thought I'd lost you!

LISTER
  I think you've mistaken --

KOCHANSKI
  Shh!

<KOCHANSKI pulls LISTER closer and kisses him.  After a long moment, she
 lets him go>

KOCHANSKI
  What were you saying?

LISTER
  Forget it...

<Without encouragement this time, LISTER enjoys another kiss.  KRYTEN turns
 and takes in the scene>

KRYTEN
  Oh dear!  Er, sir, I think, er, Miss Kochanski's under the delusion that
you're --

LISTER <hurriedly>
  Er, not now, Kryten, man.

KRYTEN
  But you don't understand me, sir, you see Miss Kochanski thinks that
you're --

LISTER
  I can handle it, okay!  Now go and make some sweet tea or something!

KRYTEN
  B - Permission to speak, sir?

LISTER <muffled by another passionate kiss>
  Permission refused!

<Abruptly, KOCHANSKI breaks off the kiss and pushes LISTER back.  She sits
 up and looks around>

KOCHANSKI
  Wait a minute... this isn't the medi-bay...

LISTER
  I think you must have mistaken me for *your* Lister...

KRYTEN
  Well, *that's* what I've been trying to tell you all along, sir!

LISTER
  Were you!?

KRYTEN
  If only you'd listened to me, I could have saved you from all that
yukkiness.

KOCHANSKI <disgustedly>
  Is that the kind of guy you are?  Someone who'd take advantage of a woman
who's half-insensible??

<KOCHANSKI climbs off the bed and walks unsteadily towards the door>

LISTER
  I was gonna tell you, honestly!  It's just, they always told me in school
it's rude to talk with your mouth full.

KOCHANSKI
  Wait, you mean I'm *stuck* here with you?

<She grabs the pink nightie from its hook on the door and throws it at
 LISTER>

KOCHANSKI
  'Priscilla, Queen of Deep Space'??  No way!  I've got to get that linkway
back!

<A large explosion rocks Starbug>

LISTER
  It's not exactly possible at the moment, we're under attack.

[Exit LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN]


[-- 15 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[CAT present, at the helm]

[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN.  They assume stations, KOCHANSKI sitting
 at the now empty navigaton console]

CAT
  It's back on our tail!

LISTER
  What is it?

CAT
  Some Gelf battle cruiser.

<A piece of paper suddenly spews forth from a printer; on it is a picture of
 a particularly hideous, hairy Gelf.  KRYTEN tears it off and hands it to
 LISTER>

KRYTEN
  They've sent a scan, sir.  Take a look.

LISTER
  Oh my god, it's the missus.

KOCHANSKI
  The what?

KRYTEN
  Mr Lister's Gelf bride.

CAT
  We all went to the wedding, it was just beautiful.

KOCHANSKI
  He married this??

CAT
  He had to.

KOCHANSKI
  You mean..?

<KOCHANSKI mimes a pregnant stomach>

LISTER
  We were in a bit of a fix!  We needed an engine part!

KOCHANSKI
  You should visit the orang-utan house at London zoo sometime, your eyes'd
be out on stalks!

KRYTEN
  Wait!  They're opening comms channels -

<KRYTEN puts on a headset and begins to translate a communication>

KRYTEN
  Er, sir?  They're demanding you return to your bride.  In Gelf law,
seperation is impossible without special dispensation from hhakk-akhhaak-
kkhhak, hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk.  Chief Justice of hakhakhk-
aahkahkh-hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak-kak-akk-hakkakak.

KOCHANSKI
  Okay, patch me in to the NCN and I'll lay down an S-S line.

CAT
  You'll *what*, officer B-B?

KOCHANSKI
  Quadrant four-niner-two, stroke G eight-seven, moving across to quadrant
two to Q four-one stroke nine.  Just follow my co-ords.

CAT
  Your cords?

KOCHANSKI
  Yeah, my co-ords.

CAT
  You want me to follow your cords??

KOCHANSKI
  Is that a problem?

CAT
  Now, you're not talking about trousers, are you..?

KOCHANSKI
  Co-ordinates...

CAT
  Co-ordinates!  Thank you!


[-- 16 - Action MONTAGE ---------------------------------------------------]

<The Dwarfers get their act together, and Kochanski leads them down to the
 surface of an ice planet where Cat begins to thread Starbug through the
 glaciers, the Gelf cruiser barelling along behind them>

KOCHANSKI
  Twenty degrees starboard from this next burg...

<CAT and LISTER carefully adjust course>

KOCHANSI
  They're right on our tails.
  Hold this line... keep holding...

<Starbug describes a shallow decline, getting closer and ever closer towards
 scraping the rough surface of the ice planet>

KOCHANSKI
 *Keep* holding... lift now!

<CAT and LISTER yank the dual control yoke backwards and Starbug's snub nose
 lifts itself, and the rest of the ship, upwards and clear of the snow-
 covered rocks they were heading for.  The Gelf ship, with it's extra bulk
 and lack of manouvrability, crashes headlong into the valley floor>

CAT [grudgingly]
  Really snazzy!

<LISTER glances at CAT and waggles a hand in a 'so-so' gesture>


[-- 17 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------------]

[LISTER present, sprawled on his bed]

[Enter KRYTEN.  He carries a laundry basket, and his general atitude and
 brusque, forceful movements, show that he is obviously agitated about
 something]

KRYTEN
  Still no sign of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.  We're fast running out of
time.

<KRYTEN begins removing items from the basket and ironing them>

LISTER
  I know.  It's good, isn't it!

KRYTEN <shortly>
  No, sir.  I don't believe it is.

LISTER
  What, don't you like her?

KRYTEN
  I'm a mere mechanoid, sir.  It's hardly my place to point out what a...
bossy old trollop she is!

LISTER
  Good kisser, though.

KRYTEN
  She knew that was you *all along*, sir!  She was merely trying you out to
compare you with *her* Mr Lister.  Pshaw!
  Apparently, he's quite something.  Initially a soft light hologram, that's
made him 'sensitive and caring in a way most men aren't'.

<LISTER gets off his bed and approaches KRYTEN>

LISTER
  What, you mean he can remember anniversaries and stay awake for several
seconds after sex?

KRYTEN
  He's 'every woman's dream guy', sir.  He even enjoys shopping for shoes!

LISTER
  Jesus...

KRYTEN
  A human male, who's prepared to have in-depth discussions about...

KRYTEN mimes quote marks in the air with his hands>

KRYTEN
  ..."relationships".

LISTER
  Eurgh!

KRYTEN
  We're talking about someone about someone 'quite exceptional' here, sir.

LISTER
  Where does that leave me?

KRYTEN
  Well that leaves you trying to help me get her - get her back to her
rightful ship.

<After trying for a moment to plump LISTER's duvet, KRYTEN bats it out of
 his way and sits down on the bunk>

KRYTEN
  She can't stay here, sir.  She just can't!

LISTER
  Kryten, man, are you okay?

KRYTEN
  I just know we're not going to be able to get rid of her!

[KRYTEN's voice has dramatically changed - it's now very high pitched, like
he's on the verge of bursting into tears]

LISTER
  Why's that so terrible?

KRYTEN
  She's gonna take you away from me, I just know it!

LISTER
  What??

KRYTEN
  I took her a glass of milk while she was showering... *I've* *seen* *her*
*naked*!

LISTER
  So?

KRYTEN
  She's got all those 'in and out' bits that you like...

LISTER
  Kryten, no matter what happens, you and me - we're compadres; amigos.

KRYTEN
  But that's all going to change if she stays!  You'll end up liking her
more!

LISTER
  I won't.

KRYTEN
  You will!

LISTER
  I won't!

KRYTEN
  You will!

LISTER
  I won't! I won't! I *won't*!

KRYTEN
  You promise?

LISTER
  I promise.

KRYTEN
  So if she walked in here now, and, and took all her clothes off, and said
"Oh, make love to me, you horny dude", and I said, "oh, perhaps you'd prefer
to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?"  What would you do?

LISTER
  [beat]
  What kind of sheets would they be?

KRYTEN
  Well, those nice cotton ones with the pattern.

LISTER
  What, blue stripey ones or the green square ones?

KRYTEN
  The green square ones.

LISTER
  So, it's making love to Kochanski, or folding sheets with you?
  [beat]
  Can I do final fold and stack?

KRYTEN
  Absolutely.

LISTER
  Well it'd be the sheets, then.

KRYTEN
  Oh!  She's standing there all naked with all the in-and-out bits going all
inny and outy?

LISTER
  It'll be the sheets, Kryt.  You and me.  Hospital corners.

KRYTEN
  Really?

LISTER <pulling a face>
  Too true.

KRYTEN
  [beat]
  You're lying!!  You're just trying to make me feel better!  Ohh!  Why
can't she be more like Mr Rimmer?  He was perfect!  he didn't have any
in-and-out bits, hardly at all.

LISTER
  There's no one I care more about than you, okay!

KRYTEN
  I'd never dump you like she did!  Never!

LISTER
  It's not gonna change.

KRYTEN
  Never?

LISTER
  Never.

KRYTEN
  [beat]
  You're lying!!

LISTER
  I'm *not* lying!!

KRYTEN
  Yes you are!  I'm gong to end up on my own again, just like I did on the
Nova 5!

LISTER
  You killed the crew, Kryten!  No wonder you ended up on your own!  All
right, it was an accident, but nevertheless...

KRYTEN
  But what about before that?  It was the same on the SS Augustus.

LISTER
  They all died of old age!

KRYTEN
  You see!?!


[-- 18 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]

[Starbug flies by a planet]


[-- 19 - Int. Starbug Cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[CAT, KOCHANSKI present, at stations]

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN
  I thought I'd, er, lend a hand and see if I could help you get out of
here.

KOCHANSKI
  I've got a positive trans-dimensional trace but I still can't
re-establish the linkway.  I'm sure it's something to do with electro-
magnetic phasing frequencies.

CAT
  You took the words right out of my mouth!

KRYTEN
  Have you tried inverting the signal?

KOCHANSKI
  We'll need a power re-route in the auxiliary power drives.

[Exit KOCHANSKI]

CAT <calling to KOCHANSKI>
  I'll take care of that!  ... Whatever it is.

KRYTEN
  It's the, er, big red button, there, sir.

<KRYTEN presses the button for CAT>

[Exit KRYTEN]

<CAT pulls a face and presses the button off, pauses, then serenely presses
 it on again>

<He gets out of his seat and runs to the cockpit hatch>


[-- 20 - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]

[KOCHASNKI, KRYTEN present, each seated at the scanner table and tapping on
 portable terminals]

[Enter CAT, leaning against the cockpit hatch]

CAT
  Hey, officer Bud-Babe, about that power simillililillum-inuminim drive?
  Taken care of.

<CAT coolly fires her a salute and slinks back into the cockpit proper>

[Exit CAT]

<KRYTEN shakes his head, then he and KOCHANSKI work in awkward silence for a
 few moments>

KOCHANSKI [pensively]
  You don't like me, do you?

KRYTEN
  Ma'am?

KOCHANSKI
  You don't, do you?

KRYTEN
  Ma'am, I think it'd be more efficient if we spent our energies trying to
re-establish the linkway.

KOCHANSKI
  But why --

KRYTEN
  Please!

KOCHANSKI
  I mean --

KRYTEN
  Ma'am!

KOCHANSKI
  I need to know why!

KRYTEN
  Do you indeed?

KOCHANSKI
  Yes.

KRYTEN
  Well, you're not good enough for him!  That's all.  Okay, he may walk
around smelling like a Balti house laundry basket, but he doesn't need the
likes of you swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow, and bewitching
him with all your... in-and-out bits.  All pointy and unnecessary!

KOCHANSKI
  [beat]
  You've got big problems, you know that?

KRYTEN
  Well, at least I don't have a ridiculous walk.  Unlike some people.

KOCHANSKI
  Ha!  Have you seen the way *you* walk??

<KRYTEN gets up and stomps to the galley, legs flailing>

KRYTEN
  I have a perfectly sensible walk!

<He takes a psi-scanner from a wall unit>

KRYTEN
  At least I don't walk like this:

<KRYTEN performs an exaggerated female walk, his hips swinging and his arms
 held out delicately>

<Before KOCHANSKI can retort, KRYTEN's terminal suddenly beeps>

KOCHANSKI <peering at screen>
  Phaser frequency four-three-four - we've got it back!

KRYTEN
  What?  You're right, that's it!

KOCHANSKI
  I can leave!

KRYTEN
  You can leave!

<They high-five, before remembering they dislike each other.  Each sit down
 and tap concentradedly at their terminals>


[-- 21 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]

[A dimensional rift in space, with the undulating blue umbilical of a 
 Linkway]


[-- 22 - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present]

KRYTEN
  Champagne, everyone!  If this doesn't deserve a celebration, I don't know
what does!

CAT
  What are we celebrating exactly?

<KRYTEN, standing to the side of and just behind KOCHANSKI, gestures toward
 her with his head and mouths 'She's leaving!'  KOCHANSKI turns to the mech
 who instantly smiles warmly at her>

KRYTEN
  You've found your crewmates at last - how wonderful!

KOCHANSKI <wryly>
  Thanks, Kryten...

KRYTEN
  I must go and find the others.

[Exit KRYTEN, skipping happily]


[-- 23 - Int. Gantry within Starbug ---------------------------------------]

[LISTER present]

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

<LISTER holds out the small in-vitro tube> 

LISTER
  This is for you.
  Just pop that in the uterine simulator in your medi-lab and... bingo.

KOCHANSKI
  Wow...

LISTER
  Our child...

KOCHANSKI
  I'll... you know.

LISTER
  I know.

KOCHANSKI
  As soon as it's old enough I'll tell it all about you -

LISTER
  Just make it understand why I'm not there, I don't want it ending up like
me.

KOCHANSKI
  What happenned to you was really rough.  The pool table, no note, no
explanation...

LISTER
  I think that's why I spent most of my early life drifting, y'know?  I
didn't have anything to look to cos I didn't know who I was, where I came
from.  Just those two names they couldn't decide on calling me; 'Rob' or
'Ross'.

KOCHANSKI
  Well... I'll look after it.  You know I will.

LISTER
  Yeah, I know.

<They move to kiss>

[Enter KRYTEN, interposing himself between them to get to the gantry
 railing]

KRYTEN
  Excuse me, sir; just doing a spot of dusting here...


[-- 24 - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI
  Look, this is probably a long shot but if we can hit the right settings
it may be possible to communicate trans-dimensionally.

<She hands LISTER a palm-size device, similar to a portable phone>

LISTER
  See ya...

KOCHANSKI
  Bye.

[Exit KOCHANSKI]

[Enter CAT, struggling with a large box.  LISTER takes one of the handles
 and they hold it between them]

LISTER
  What's this?

CAT
  Supplies from Bud-Babe's ship.

LISTER
  No, *this*

<LISTER indicates a marking on the top of a box>

KRYTEN
  Well, it's the symbol for 'infinity', sir.  The snake, eating it's own
tail and thus completing the everlasting circle of life that has no
beginning or end.

LISTER
  What's it doing on 'ere?

KRYTEN
  The crate used to contain batteries, sir.  Ouroboros batteries;
everlasting.

LISTER
  Ourobo-what??

<LISTER takes the box from CAT and places it down, looking at it intently>

KRYTEN
  Ouroboros, sir - it's the name of the symbol.

<LISTER rubs his hand along the top of the box, revealing the "Ouroboros
 Batteries" legend stencilled on it>

CAT
  What is it, bud?

LISTER
  Ouroboros... It wasn't 'Our Rob or Ross', it was Ouroboros..!

CAT
  What was?

LISTER
  The message that was written on the side of my box!

CAT
  You came in a box?  That explains everything.

LISTER
  I know who my parents are...  I know who I am...  I understand, now!

KRYTEN
  Explain, sir!?

LISTER
  The in-vitro tube, the one that Kochanski's got.  The frozen embryo - it's
me!  At some point after the baby's borm we must go back in time and leave
me under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms.  We wrote Ouroboros on the box
to explain!  I'm my own father... and Chris is my ex-girlfriend and my mum!

CAT
  You should write a letter to Playboy, bud.  I bet you anything it'd get
printed.

LISTER
  I've gotta get that test tube back.

[LISTER sprints out after KOCHANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN following]


[-- 25 - Int. The Way ----------------------------------------------------]

[P.LISTER, P.KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, P.CAT present]

[Enter LISTER, running to catch up]

LISTER <shouts>
  Mum!  Wait!

<The Parallel crew turn around>

KOCHANSKI
  What?

LISTER
  I need the in-vitro tube!  It's me!

[The Parallel crew are too far away to hear properly]

KOCHANSKI
  It's what??

[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]

<Without warning, sparks burst from the roof of the Linkway>

KRYTEN
  The Gelfs are back!

<Cutting out into non-space, we see a companion Gelf ship has tracked down
 the Dwarfers and is doing all in its power to break the trans-dimensional
 connection.  It fires a second shot and the tortured Linkway shudders and
 tears apart, again stranding the unfortunate Kochanski in the wrong
 Dimension.  This time, she isn't going to put up with it.  Setting her
 sights on the ragged ledge of the linkway that floats temptingly just feet
 away, she shrugs off her jacket and unclips her heavy belt>

LISTER
  What are you doing?

KOCHANSKI
  I'm gonna jump!

<With that, KOCHANSKI springs forward and sprints for the tear>

CAT
  You'll never make it!

LISTER
  Chris, no!!

<KOCHANSKI takes a wild leap, fingers stretching for the lip of the linkway.
 Spread almost flat, she falls short by mere centimeters and plummets into
 the blackness of non-space>

P.LISTER
  Christine!!

KRYTEN
  We've lost her, sir.

LISTER
  No.
  No!

P.LISTER
  Christine!!

<LISTER's communicator suddenly emits a bleep.  He fumbles it out>

LISTER
  Yeah?

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
  Hi, it's me.

LISTER
  Hi -

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
  I've decided to stay; just, one proviso -

LISTER
  Yeah?

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
  Save my life, okay?


[-- 26 - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, running to the cargo stores and tearing lids
 off containers as quickly as possible]

LISTER <into Communicator>
  Cargo bay; looking now!

LISTER <pulling a weapon of some kind out of a box: to KRYTEN>
  What's this??

KRYTEN
  It's mountaineering equipment from Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.

LISTER
  A crossbow?

KRYTEN
  I thought it might come in handy next time we run into your wife.

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
  You've got about 20 seconds before I'm out of reach!

<Behind them, CAT pulls out several lengths of rope from another box>

CAT
  Rope?

<LISTER grabs the crossbow and rope>

LISTER
  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!

[LISTER sprints OOV]


[-- 27 - Int. The Way -----------------------------------------------------]

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
  I'm getting a *mite* panicky, here..!

[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN]

<LISTER runs to the lip of the Way, attaches the rope to a crossbow bolt and
 takes careful aim through the telescopic sight.  Sweat beading on his brow,
 his finger tenses; he knows that a stray shot will end the life of the only
 woman he has ever truly loved - in more ways than one.

 He pulls the trigger, and the bolt hurls itself into the abyss.  The pile
 of rope uncoiles with dizzying speed as the the bolt arcs through the
 blackness - until it embeds itself solidly, clear through Kochanski's right
 thigh>
 
KOCHANSKI
  Aaarg!

<She gasps in agony and stares at the bolt protruding redly through both
 sides of her leg>

KOCHANSKI
  Bastard!

<As LISTER and CAT struggle with the rope, LISTER's communicator bleeps, and
 KRYTEN takes it from his pocket.  KRYTEN listens, his eyes widening>

KRYTEN
  It's an obscene phone call, sir.  I think it's for you.

<He holds the device up to LISTER, who cringes>


[-- 28 - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]

KRYTEN
  I've brought you a drink, but don't think for one minute it means I've
gone all mushy on you.
  
KOCHANSKI
  I'm gonna get up, and work out a way of re-establishing that linkway.

KRYTEN
  It's too late ma'am, the rift's self-repaired...

[His voice again becomes tearful and high-pitched]

KRYTEN
  We're *stuck* with you!

KOCHANSKI
  I'm gonna try, *anyway*.

<KOCHANSKI slides off the bed awkwardly, and pads over to the door.
 Standing, KRYTEN sees that the back of her gown has got fastened in the
 waistband of her undershorts>

KRYTEN
  Oh, ma'am -

KOCHANSKI
  Yes, Kryten?

<KRYTEN hestitates>

KRYTEN
  Welcome aboard...

<KOCHANSKI smiles gratefully>

KOCHANSKI
  Thanks, Kryten.

<KRYTEN turns away and grins>


[-- 29 - Int. An empty pub ------------------------------------------------]

[The scene is an old, circa 22nd century English pub, in the foreground is
 a zero-g pool table.  A flash of red lighting arcs down to the floor and
 LISTER appears, holding a cardboard box in which is a baby, wrapped in
 blankets.  A single word written in black marker pen adorns the side of the
 box, and reads: 'Ouroboros']

[A caption appears on screen and reads: "EIGHTEEN MONTHS LATER"]

LISTER [to baby]
  For a long time, you'll think that you were abandoned, but you *weren't*,
man.  You were put here to create a paradox, an unbreakable circle.  With us
going 'round and 'round in time, the human race can never beome extinct.
We're like... a kind of 'holding pattern'.

<LISTER reaches into the box and touches the baby's chin tenderly>

LISTER
  I'll see ya, son.

<Quietly, LISTER approaches the pool table and, bending down, gently slides
 the box underneath.  He steps away>


[--------------------------- END OF "OUROBOROS" ---------------------------]

 Bonus points if you noticed that there were no opening titles in this
 episode.  Indeed, this wasn't an oversight on my part - perhaps they were
 pushed for time... =)

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor;
 no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended.  Comments, criticisms
 and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk".  Thanks.]


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