Thursday, 1 November 2012

Series 7 Episode 6 - Beyond a Joke


[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

                           RED DWARF - SERIES 7

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

                        EPISODE 6 -- BEYOND A JOKE

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

                               Version 0.5

                        27 February - 3 March, 1997

                      Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk

                      http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk



 Credits for corrections: 





[-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------]



LISTER

  Mm!  Smells good, Kryten.  What is it?



KRYTEN

  Something I caught scuttling around the cargo bay, sir... managed to land

a monkey wrench on it, and the rest is history!



LISTER

  'Scuttling thing, a la monkey wrench'?  Kryten, nothing I'm prepared to

eat has ever scuttled.  This mouth is a scuttle-free zone.

  It does smell good though, what is it?



KRYTEN

  Ah, the only clue I'm prepared to give, sir, is: we're having it with

green wine...



LISTER

  It's space weevil, isn't it...



KRYTEN

  It is not, no, sir.



LISTER

  Look, the rule is simple: I will not eat any animal that has ever been a

cartoon.  Weevils, rabbits, dogs, cats, mice, road-runners; all out.  I'm

not a cartoonivore!



KRYTEN

  Ta-daa!



LISTER

  Lobster!



KRYTEN

  Poached, in a delicate cream sauce, sir.  Little so-en-so escaped in the

hold.



LISTER

  Where did you get a live lobster?



KRYTEN

  The S.S. Centauri, they had four in their stasis block.



LISTER

  You've really gone to a lot of trouble over this, haven't you...



KRYTEN

  You don't know what day it is, do you, sir?



LISTER

  Today?  Someone's birthday?



KRYTEN

  Nope.



LISTER

  Christmas?  Easter?



KRYTEN

  Nope.



LISTER

  National Have Something That Scuttles For Dinner day?



KRYTEN

  No.



LISTER

  Well, what then?



KRYTEN

  Today is the day that you rescued me from the Nova 5 - I thought we should

have a surprise celebration!



LISTER

  I had no idea!  Why didn't you say?

  Ahh, if you'd *said*, it wouldn't have been much of a surprise, right?



KRYTEN

  Prescisely, sir, it would have been about as unsurprising as an episode

of Tales Of The Unexpected.



LISTER

  Eh?



KRYTEN

  The old Channel 72 show.  It was...  Everyone...  <ahem>  Never mind.



[Enter KOCHANSKI, CAT]



KOCHANSKI

  Okay everyone?  Ready?  Let's go!



KRYTEN

  Go?



CAT

  We're going to the Artificial Reality suite!  We just loaded in that new

software we picked up from the S.S. Centauri.



KOCHANSKI

  Can you believe the luck?  Finding a working copy of Jane Austin world??

It's the luckiest find I've made since I discovered that tube of leg-wax

under the medi-scanner.



CAT

  You found my leg-wax?



KOCHANSKI

  We're going to visit 'Pride And Prejudice' land.  This is gonna be *so*

great!



CAT

  It's Chick City, bud!  Five sisters and they're all hotter than a

Mustang's exhaust!



KRYTEN

  But, what about the supper??



LISTER

  The thing is... we didn't *know*.



KOCHANSKI

  Just, put it in the oven, and we'll have it in a couple of hours.



KRYTEN

  But, I mean, it's just --



KOCHANSKI

  Look, I'm just trying to get the Bozo Brothers here interested in

something slightly more culturally sophisticated than 'Name That Smell', or

the even more popular 'How Many Marbles Can You Fit Up Your Nostril' game...

  We'll have it when we get back.



KRYTEN

  And you're going to go with them, sir?  This is...  It's unbelievable.



KOCHANSKI

  I know!  Davey and Jane Austin are not an obvious pairing - but think

about it: she's closely identifiable to Bath in the 19th century, and that

was the last time Dave had one! <laughs>



[Exit KOCHANSKI, CAT]



LISTER

  I just thought I'd check it out...  Y'know, I never had much of an

education, what with being and orphan, and going to art college.  Thought I

might learn something here.



KRYTEN

  Of course.  How silly of me.  After all, you've always been a big fan of

penetrating 19th century observations of middle-class manners.  I mean, just

because you own a t-shirt advertising the rock band 'Colostomy Explosion'

doesn't mean you're not a master of erudition!



LISTER

  Oh, just stick it in the oven, come and join us and we'll have it when we

get back!



KRYTEN

  Two days I've spent, preparing this!



LISTER

  Kryten, I've gotta go, man, they're waiting for me.  I'm sorry.



[Exit LISTER]



KRYTEN

  I don't know why I bother.  Gallivanting off like that!  And on our

aniversary too!





[-- x - OB. A forest within the AR simulation ----------------------------]



[KOCHANSKI, CAT, LISTER present]



KOCHANSKI

  'Pride and Prejudice' world!  When I was fourteen in Cyberschool I used

to spend all my time here.



CAT

  These strides are too tackle-tight, Officer B-B.  I can barely cruise!



KOCHANSKI

  Look, just try and appreciate the nuances and culture.



CAT

  I'm tryin', but it's real hard when there's a seam splicing your nadgers

in two!



KOCHANSKI

  You're gonna spoil it for us, aren't you...



LISTER

  No he won't, he'll be fine.  Look man, all clothes were a bit nadger-

restricting back in them days.  That's why there were so many wars.



KOCHANSKI

  Okay?  Let's interact with the characters, then perhaps you can *begin* to

understand why the book is such a masterpiece..?



<five young women fade into existance, along with an older, maternal woman>



KOCHANSKI

  Ah!  Good morning, Mrs Bennett.  Is it not a most fine day?



MRS BENNETT

  'Tis an utter delight and no mistake.

  Oh, we don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting your handsome

young friends..?



  <girls giggle>



KOCHANSKI

  This is Mr Lister, and his friend Mr Cat.



  <girls giggle>



MRS BENNETT

  Perhaps you would like to join us on a turn around the forest, and later

have tea in Mr Pindley's gazebo?



1ST SISTER

  Oh please, ma-ma, can they come?



2ND SISTER

  May they, oh, that would be so delightful!



1ST SISTER

  Oh yes, oh, please!  Oh do!  Do come to tea, oh please, please!



CAT <to LISTER>

  They're so hot they're steamin'!





[-- x - Int. Starbug -----------------------------------------------------]



[KRYTEN present]



KRYTEN

  "Cook it", "don't cook it", "do this", "do that"!  Well, I'm sorry, I'm

gonna make you eat this damn supper if it's the last thing I do!



<enters AR simulation>





[-- x - OB.  Woodland within AR simulation -------------------------------]



[ALL present, KRYTEN stalking the party]



<we hear the girls giggling as the party makes their way slowly through

 the woodland>



  <KRYTEN picks off a straggling sister with blowpipe>



  <catches next sister in a rope trap and silences her with the blowpipe>



  <tries to bump off next sister with a log swing trap, but misses>





[-- x - Int. Starbug -----------------------------------------------------]



[KRYTEN present]



KRYTEN

  Just borrow the T-72 from the WW2 game... and then I think we'll have

*everyone's* attention...





[-- x - OB. Gazebo by a lakeside in the AR simulation --------------------]



[ALL present]



MRS BENNETT

  Where on earth have {Dame} Lizzie and Jane disappeared to?  Such rudeness!

I'm most vexed!



  <girls giggle>



KOCHANSKI

  Never mind, Mrs Bennett, I'm sure they'll be --



<T-72 rolls out of the lake, Kryten opens hatch and stands up>



KRYTEN

  Perhaps I didn't make myself clear?  I said: 'supper is ready'!



<fires a round from the tank which decimates the gazebo.  When the smoke

 clears, only LISTER, CAT and KOCHANSKI remain>



KRYTEN

  Is anyone still unclear as to the supper situation?  No?  Excellent.



LISTER <quietly>

  I didn't know robots *got* PMT!





[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]



[ALL present.  The mood is tense]



LISTER

  It's nice, Kryts, really nice.



KOCHANSKI

  It's really great.



LISTER

  In fact, it's better than nice, it's fantastic.



KOCHANSKI

  Isn't it great?



LISTER

  It's really great.



KOCHANSKI

  Really, really great.



CAT

  Are we eating the same stuff?



KRYTEN

  I don't know *why* I make the effort.  No one appreciates the *hours* I

put into food prep!  My fingers are practically worn down to the endo-

skeleton.



LISTER

  Is there any ketchup?



KRYTEN

  Any *what*?



LISTER

  Ketchup.  I just thought it could do with a bit of ketchup...

  Just a dollop..?



KRYTEN

  Ketchup??



KOCHANSKI

  Oh my god...



KRYTEN

  You want *ketchup*??



LISTER

  Errm... brown!  Not tomato!  Brown!  It's not like I've got *no* class...



KRYTEN

  With lobster?  You want *brown* ketchup?



LISTER

  It's really nice Kryts, but you know me, I just thought it could do with

a bit of a pep-up...



KRYTEN

  I *can't* believe it.  I simply cannot b --



<head explodes, showering the diners>



CAT

  Oh well done, bud!  Now *we'll* have to do the washing up!



KOCHANSKI

  He's *literally* blown his top!

  Cat, can you go and get a spare head?



CAT

  How come I have to do everything around here?  I never get a second to

myself!  "Cat do this", "Cat do that"; what am I?  A dog?





[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay -------------------------------------------]



[LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]



<LISTER is fiddling with a spare head.  Shortly, he screws the head onto

 KRYTEN's shoulders>



LISTER

  There.  I think that's it; boot him up.



KOCHANSKI

  You're *sure* you know what you're doing?



LISTER

  Hey...



KRYTEN

  Ketchup??  With *lobster*, you want --



<second head explodes violently>



KOCHANSKI

  I thought you said you knew what you were doing!



LISTER

  No, I just said 'hey'.  If you'd let me finish the whole sentence it'd

have been: 'hey... no I don't'.



[Enter CAT]



CAT

  Any luck?



KOCHANSKI

  We've been back and forth through his core program and, as far as we can

tell, nothing's wrong.



CAT

  Maybe worth testing it with one of his spare heads?



LISTER

  *What* spare heads...



KOCHANSKI

  We've blown them all out!



LISTER

  Look at it - have you ever seen so many blackheads outside the staffroom

of a fried chicken franchise?



KOCHANSKI


  We've managed to save his RAM chips, so at least we've got his personality

on disk, but, that's about it...



CAT

  Life without a head... that's gonna put a real crimp on his lifestyle.  I

mean, what can you do without a head?



LISTER

  Apart from being you?  Hardly anything.



KOCHANSKI

  We're going to have to get him another one, somehow.



LISTER

  I should've been looking out for him.  How could I let this happen?



KOCHANSKI

  When was the Centauri built..?  Maybe they had a mechanoid service unit?



LISTER <to CAT>

  *Think*.  Any clues when it was built?



KOCHANSKI

  Which century?



CAT

  It had those big crystalline turbine drives... I'd say 21st, or 22nd

century.

  Maybe even 23rd or 24th.  At the outside, 25th, 26th or 27th.  But don't

hold me to it.



KOCHANSKI

  And we're asking his advice??  Let's at least ask someone who's at least

going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion:

  Hello, wall!  What do *you* think?



LISTER

  Hang on, hang on...



KOCHANSKI

  What're you doing?



LISTER

  Logging on to their mainframe...  If there's a Divadroid signature on

their supplies inventory then its possible there're some mech heads 'round

there somewhere.



CAT

  Maybe 29th...





[-- x - Int. The Centauri ------------------------------------------------]



[On-board the Centauri.  miscellaneous mech parts scattered around>



[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]



KOCHANSKI

  Look!



<A line of old, dirty mechanoid heads hang from a rail>



<LISTER spots something>



LISTER

  Hey; simulant... probably rogue - let's get the smeg outta here!



<noises of something approaching. they hide under a tarpaulin>



LISTER [VO]

  Hmm, you smell good...



CAT [VO]

  Thanks!



[a simulant passes by their hiding place and disappears into the bowels of

 the derelict ship]



KOCHANSKI

  They're all missing their primers.



LISTER

  Well this Johnny won't help us.  Simulants hate anything human or

humanoid.  In fact, anything beginning with a 'hu'...



KOCHANSKI

  Probably hate the third largest city in Vietnam, then... <laugh>



LISTER

  [BEAT]

  How's that?



KOCHANSKI

  Because it's called 'Hu', dummy.

  Well, actually, it's pronounced 'Hwah', but if I'd said 'hwah' it wouldn't

have been as funny.

  Any navigation conference *anywhere*, they would be in the *aisles* with

a quip like that.



LISTER

  Probably trying to get out the building before you quipped again...



KOCHANSKI

  Well, the point I was trying to make is that sims hate humans, but they

don't hate GELFs...



CAT

  But, we're not GELFs...



KOCHANSKI

  We could be.





[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]



[CAT and KOCHANSKI dressed in GELF suits.  KOCHANSKI holds a leash around

LISTERs neck]



LISTER

  This is nuts!



KOCHANSKI

  We look great!  What are you talking about?



LISTER

  This is never gonna work.



KOCHANSKI

  Ak ak ak akka ak?  Ha ak?



CAT

  Hyak ak ak ak! Ak akakakak!



LISTER

  You *can't* speak GELF...



KOCHANSKI

  Neither can the sim!  We'll just do an impression of you first thing in

the morning and we'll be fine!

  Come on, boy...





[-- x - Int. The Centauri ------------------------------------------------]



[CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]



LISTER

  This is so demeaning - I feel like a piece of meat!



CAT

  There's someone up there!



<CAT and KOCHANSKI call out in thier very fake GELF language>



LISTER

  It's worse than a chronic catarr sufferers' annual outing!





[-- x - Int. Room within the centauri ------------------------------------]



[KOCHANSKI, CAT present, seated at a table with the SIMULANT.  LISTER

 present standing, leashed, between the other two Dwarfers]



[KOCHANSKI hacks and coughs in 'GELF', and gestures at a rail of mech heads]



SIMULANT

  After spare mech heads, 'ey?



<The SIMULANT appears to suddenly notice LISTER for the first time>



SIMULANT

  'Uman!  Lovely with a bit of mint sauce!  'Ow about a trade?



CAT

  We ain't sellin', okay?  Fuel, supplies, anything, but not the human.



<KOCHANKSI urgently hacks in GELF>



CAT

  I was just tellin' him - no deal.



<Again KOCHANSKI tries to warn CAT>



CAT

  Like she says: no deal.



<KOCHANKSI desperately tries to make CAT understand>



CAT

  You tell him, Bud-Babe!  No deal!  You got that?



SIMULANT

  So... you speak Earth, 'ey?



<Realising his mistake, CAT's face slides into a sickly smile and he utters

 a single hack, thumb and index finger of one had raised and close together>



SIMULANT

  Tails... you can 'ave the mech 'eads for free... 'eads... I take the

'uman.



LISTER

  Hey, wait a minute!



<flips coin>



SIMULANT

  It's tails, the 'eads are yours.  And, 'ere, are the primers.  Now, 'ow

about a toast, 'ey?  To Simulants: the greatest droids in the Universe - 

but never trust 'em, 'ey?  Cheers!



<laughs>





[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]



[Starbug looks to have been hit by an internal hurricane]



[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]



LISTER

  Aw, we've been set up!



CAT

  But how??



KOCHANSKI

  He must have had a sidekick - he kept us talking while his mate ransacked

the ship!



LISTER <alarmed>

  Kryten!



[Exit ALL, running]





[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]



[The medi-bay hasn't escaped attention, either]



[Enter ALL]



LISTER

  They've taken his RAM chip, too...





[-- x - Int. Workshop aboard the Centauri --------------------------------]



[SIMULANT present, another mechanoid present; same head as Kryten but a

green body shell]



SIMULANT

  'Ere's a little job for you, Able.  Looks like a negadrive blow back.



ABLE <broad, slightly slurring accent>

  Oh wow!  Another mech.



SIMULANT

  Fix 'im, ready for market, or I'll apply the electro-leash to your

nipples.



ABLE

  Fix him, or get fried nipple nuts?  Er, er, I think I'm gonna choose the

'fix him' option!  Deal!



SIMULANT

  'Urry up!  You stupid 'zoney!



<The SIMULANT bounces an iron bar over the mech's bald head, bending the bar

with the force>



ABLE

  Is now a good time to ask about a pay rise?



<ABLE receives another bash over the head>



ABLE

  Uh, I'm almost out of ultrazone, I need some more.



SIMULANT

  Fix the mech, first.  'Ere's 'is RAM chip.



[Exit SIMULANT]



<ABLE picks up a tall, unlabelled bottle, opens his chest screen and plugs

 the bottle into the cavity.  As the contents seep in, ABLE's face turns


 beautific, and he sighs happily.  After a short time he removes the bottle

 and closes the orifice>



ABLE

  Totally tubular!



[FADE}





[-- x - Int. Workshop aboard the Centauri --------------------------------]



[Some hours later, while ABLE has been tinkering with Kryten]



KRYTEN

  Goodness me!  What a peculiar experience.

  Thank you, Mr... er - Mr... er -- What is your name?



ABLE

  Er, just give me a second, okay?



<ABLE looks distant and appears to tense himself for a moment>



ABLE

  I've just sent that query down to long term memory retrieval.  It'll be

back in no time.

  Hang on, here it comes.

  Told you it would be quick.

  Abel.  My name's Able: A - B - L - E, Able.



KRYTEN

  My name is Kryten.  You're a 4000-series, too, aren't you?



ABLE

  Er, hang on.  Won't take a tick.



KRYTEN

  Please, don't bother.  Believe me, you *are* a 4000.



ABLE

  Well, I could check - it'll only take about twenty seconds.



KRYTEN

  Your serial number's '2X4C' - I'm a 2X4c too!  We must have the same

motherboard.



ABLE

  Wohh, then you're my bro'!  Hey, wow, you wanna try some Ultrazone?



KRYTEN

  Ultrazone's dangerous and highly addictive!



ABLE

  Why, I only use it every now and then, y'know?  It helps me get through

the day.



KRYTEN

  Well how come you ended up here?



ABLE

  Er, hang on.



<Again, ABLE tenses himself up and makes a straining noise>



KRYTEN

  What an irritating characteristic...



ABLE

  Okay: the ship I was on, well, it, er, kind of crashed a bit.



KRYTEN

  'Crashed a bit'?



ABLE

  All the crew just lay there and they didn't talk to me anymore.  Then,

after a couple of years I figured out they must be dead.  Then a long time

later, the Simulant guy came and picked me up.  He's a bit of a psychopathic

killing machine, but, he has his good side.  And, he has a huge stash of

ultrazone!

  You sure you won't try some, Kryten?  Bro'?



KRYTEN

  I'm not your bro', and I do *not* touch ultrazone!  It corrupts your

circuit boards!



ABLE

  Well, that's what people say, but... where's the evidence?

  [BEAT]

  Have I just said that?





[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]



[ALL present]



LISTER

  Appoaching the Centauri - 80 clicks and closing.  Nice and easy, man...



CAT

  Hang on - their retros have started up.  They've spotted us!



KOCHANSKI

  Look at the accelleration of that thing!  They're already halfway across

the sector!



LISTER

  The Centauri can travel at speeds that we can only dream of...



CAT

  Most ice cream vans can travel at speeds we can only dream of...



LISTER

  <sigh>  We're never gonna catch them now.  We've lost Kryten.



KOCHANSKI

  Okay, turn the thrusters to maximum speed on a bearing Q23 stroke J80.



<model shot>



LISTER

  This is the opposite direction to the Centauri - full speed!



KOCHANSKI

  Precisely.



CAT

  Well, why do we wanna do that?



KOCHANSKI

  It's totally insane.



LISTER

  So why *do* we wanna do it then?



KOCHANSKI

  The only reason I can think of is if we've planted something on the

Centauri and we knew it was gonna blow any second.



CAT

  But we haven't.



KOCHANSKI

  No, we haven't.  But explain this: if we haven't, why are we in such a

rush to get the hell out of here?



CAT

  It doesn't make sense.



KOCHANSKI

  Exactly.



LISTER

  Unless we really *have* planted a bomb on the Centauri.



KOCHANSKI

  Which we haven't.



CAT

  So wait a minute.  Even if we didn't plant a bomb, the only thing that

really explains what we're doing is if we did!  Which we didn't!  But we

must have!  Because, otherwise, what we're doing is totally nuts!



KOCHANSKI

  Exactly.



LISTER

  They've turned around and started tracking us!



CAT

  What a fluke!





[-- x - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]





[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]



LISTER

  Getting an incoming... someone's beaming on board...  cargo bay!





[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]



[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, taking cover behind bulkheads.  SIMULANT,

 GELF PARTNER, ABLE, KRYTEN present]



SIMULANT

  We know about the bomb.



CAT

  So we *did* plant a bomb!  I was beginning to wonder.



SIMULANT

  Where did you hide it!?  Speak!  Or you'll spend the rest of the day

picking bits of charred mech out of your clothing.



CAT

  Er, can I change into dungarees?



LISTER

  Hand over Kryten and we'll tell ya.



SIMULANT

  Clearly, I need to prove myself...

  Kryten, that file in your CPU; the one you've never been able to access...

The password is '4X2C'...



ABLE

  Hang on a minute...



SIMULANT

  It's about your creator, Kryten - Dr Mammett.



KOCHANSKI

  Kryten, no!



KRYTEN

  Acessing now...

  No!  It can't be true...  It can't...



ABLE

  The truth is in there - that's what turned me into a 'zoney.



SIMULANT

  Who's next?  The Cat?  Or the woman?  Choose - heads or tails?



ABLE

  Heads!



<ABLE suddenly removes his head and throws it at the SIMULANT, knocking

 him back.  LISTER rushes in, swing-kicks him in the head and knocking him

 to the ground, then shoots at the GELF and knocks it unconscious>



LISTER

  Right, lets send them back to their ship and get the hell out of 'ere

before they get their smeg together!





[-- x - Int. Starbug -----------------------------------------------------]



[KRYTEN present, sitting motionlessly]



[Enter LISTER]



LISTER

  Kryten, man, what's wrong?  You look sadder than the salad you get with a

takaway shaami kebab.

  Tell me what you found out about your creator.



KRYTEN

  I can't, sir, it's too terrible.



LISTER

  Kryten, me and you are amigos; you've gotta tell me.



KRYTEN

  Well, you keep secrets from me, sir.



LISTER

  Like what?



KRYTEN

  What about your nickname when you were at school?



LISTER

  What nickname?



KRYTEN

  I know what it was.



LISTER

  I don't think so; no one knows that.



KRYTEN

  Well, I'm afraid that's just not true, "Fatboy".  You talk in your sleep.



LISTER

  It was for a couple of years!  Eleven to thirteen when I was living with

m' gran.  She was massive, her stockings used to rub together when she

walked; when she was in a hurry it sounded like a steam train pulling out of

a station!

  I started getting fat too.  It really hit home when she died.  She got

knocked down by this truck, and the chalk outline guys had to go back to the

truck for a second piece of chalk!  I thought: I don't want to end up like

that, double-chalker!

  If you ever tell Kris or the Cat this, you're in pieces.  Now tell me

about you creator.



KRYTEN

  Oh, it's so humiliating!



LISTER

  Tell me about Professor Mammett!



KRYTEN

  Well, she was due to marry John Warburton, a fellow bio-engineer.  He

jilted her the day before their wedding, so she decided to create a droid in

his image - a pompous, ridiculous-looking, mother-hen clucking, irascible

buffoon.



LISTER

  What happenned to this droid?



KRYTEN

  That droid, sir, is me!



LISTER

  Pompous?  Ridiculous-looking?  Mother-hen clucking?  Oh yeah, I see now...



KRYTEN

  We're all John Warburton, sir, the entire 4000-series.  It was Mammett's

revenge.



LISTER

  Well, judging from the length of your groinal attachment, you can see why

she was so sad to lose him...



KRYTEN

  As part of the joke, all my negative emotions - jealousy, anger - are

stored on a special file; my 'negadrive'.  Now, when this file gets full it

blows!  Just like he used to.



LISTER

  All your resentment's in this thing?  It's so small.



KRYTEN

  Oh, don't be fooled by that, sir.  This box contains the greatest

concentration of anger, jealousy and resentment outside a BAFTA awards

ceremony!



LISTER

  Able felt betrayed, lost all his self-esteem; it's what turned him to

ultrazone.  He told me - he's promised to quit.



KRYTEN

  How could Mammett have done this?



LISTER

  Kryten, you may have started out as a joke, but you've grown, you've

changed.  Look how different you are to Able.  If Mammett came in here now,

I bet she wouldn't even recognise you.



KRYTEN

  I've evolved?



LISTER

  You bet.



KRYTEN

  I've become something that's... beyond a joke?



LISTER

  Too right, man.



[Enter KOCHANSKI]



KOCHANSKI

  There's something coming in from the starboard bow!





[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]



[CAT, KOCHANSKI present]



[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]



CAT

  The Sim's back; he's got a lock on!



LISTER

  Reverse thrust - go!  Five, niner, seven.



KOCHANSKI

  Missed, but still locked on!  Right, I'm taking us into that asteroid

belt.



CAT

  Oh, not an asteroid belt!



KOCHANSKI

  Is that a problem?



CAT

  It sure is!  Everything tips from side to side, and my hair gets all

messed up!



KOCHANSKI

  So what do we do?  Stay here and get splattered??



CAT

  Rather that than me looking like Tina Turner!



LISTER

  I'm taking us in.



KRYTEN

  Once we're in the belt, we'll have to maintain ship and engine silence

'till he's convinced we're not there.





[-- x - Int. Centauri Ops room -------------------------------------------]



[SIMULANT present]



SIMULANT

  I know you're in that belt... somewhere...

  One little mistake... and you're mine...







<MONTAGE: once powered down, the crew spend a tense few hours passing time

in the mid-section.  left by himself, Able wanders into the cockpit to take

a hit of ultrazone.  He accidentally leans on a switch on the control panel,

powering up their engines and causing an energy surge>





SIMULANT

  The mistake is made...





[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]



[ABLE present]



[Enter ALL]



LISTER

  What happenned, man!?



ABLE

  I dunno, I don't know nothin'!



CAT

  Clear out of here!



KRYTEN

  Leave *him* to me!



[Exit ABLE, KRYTEN]





[-- x - Int. Starbug --------------------------------------------------]



[Enter ABLE, KRYTEN]



ABLE <spaced out and laughing>

  Oh, I think I may have pressed the wrong button...



KRYTEN

  You have jeapordised the lives of the entire crew, breaking the most

basic, fundamental command codes!



ABLE <seriously>

  I'm sorry - I didn't mean nuthin'...





[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]



[LISTER, CAT, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN present>



LISTER

  This dude's real mad, we don't stand a chance!



KOCHANSKI

  I can't throw him off; nothing's working, I'm using every trick I know to

distract him!



CAT

  Pity we can't all moon out of the starboard portholes!  That always works

for me!



LISTER

  Wait!  Someone's left the ship - an escape pod!



KRYTEN

  It's Able!



LISTER

  It's heading towards the Sim's ship.



KRYTEN

  Why, that slimy, double-crossing, two-faced piece of scum!  He's no

brother of mine!



LISTER

  He's fired something at them...



CAT

  Some sort of energy field... looks heavy.



KRYTEN

  The negadrive!  He's used my negadrive energy and re-routed it through the

escape pod's thrusters.  The Simulant ship is engulfed in all my negativity.





[-- x - Int. Centauri Ops room -------------------------------------------]



[SIMULANT present]



SIMULANT

  It's all 'opeless!  Nobody loves me; I'm so ugly!

  I never get invited to parties!  I 'ate this ship!  I 'ate *everything*!



<The Centauri explodes>





[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]



[ALL present]



KOCHANSKI

  Able's pod just crash-landed.



LISTER

  He threw his life away to save us and we hardly knew him...



KRYTEN

  With your permission, sirs, ma'am, I should like to recover the body and

perform last rites.





[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]



[ALL present.  KRYTEN carries the motionless body of ABLE out of the pod]



LISTER

  Do you need a hand, Kryts?



KRYTEN

  He ain't heavy, sir, he's my *brother*.





[-- x - Int. An indian restaurant in an AR simulation --------------------]



[ALL present, together with MRS BENNETT and the SISTERS from Pride And

 Prejudice World]



LISTER

  Great anniversary party, Kryters - Curry World!  Fan-smeggin'-tastic!



<girls giggle>



MRS BENNETT

  How utterly splendid!  Mine's the 'vindaloo', whatever that is!



KOCHANSKI

  Mrs Bennett, Jane, Kitty: I beg you have the omlette with the big chips.

Curries are an aquired taste...



MRS BENNETT

  Oh *nonsense*!  Mr Darcy didn't think Jane would enjoy french apples, but

she did, didn't you Jane?

  Now, tuck in, girls!



[MRS BENNETT and the girls start eating, their faces showing some suprise]



MRS BENNETT

  I do declare, Mr Lister, this is most scrumptious!



1ST SISTER

  Oh mama, it's the most succulent dish I've ever tasted!



2ND SISTER

  A most meritorious venture.



[KOCHANSKI, LISTER and CAT take a mouthful of their own curries, and they

 just enough time to swallow before...]



KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT

  AAaarrggg!!



KRYTEN

  Curious - there must be some sort of bug in the program...



LISTER

  I'm on fire!!



CAT

  Water!



KOCHANSKI

  Somebody help me!



KRYTEN

  Don't worry, sir, I'll work on it...





[------------------------- END OF "BEYOND A JOKE" -------------------------]





[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor

 and Robert Llewellyn; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended.

 Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk"

 Thanks.]



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