Thursday, 1 November 2012

Season 7 Episode 5 - Blue


[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

                           RED DWARF - SERIES 7

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

                            EPISODE 5 -- BLUE

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

                               Version 0.5

                           18-19 February, 1997

                      Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk

                      http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk





[------------------ <RUN NEW RED DWARF 7 TITLE SEQUENCE> ------------------]





[-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------]



[LISTER present, polishing a pair of boots]



[Enter KRYTEN]



<KRYTEN, noticing what LISTER is doing, stands surprised for a moment before

speaking>



KRYTEN

  Good morning, sir!  How about a little breakfast?  What would you say to a

dozen grilled winkels on a bed of curried rice crispies?



LISTER

  I'm not eatin' that spicy stuff any more.



KRYTEN

  Forgive me, sir, but the phenomena of you not eating spicy food is like

a - a - zebra not being stripy, or an old lady not sitting on a park bench

with her legs open.

  May I ask why?



LISTER

  Apart from anything else it makes y' breath smell like a lift full of

senile donkeys returning from a gargling contest.



KRYTEN

  Well, that's never bothered you before, sir..?



LISTER

  Well it bothers me now, okay??



KRYTEN

  It's because of *her*, isn't it... 'she who must be drooled over'...



LISTER

  You mean Kris?



KRYTEN

  Whatever *my* feelings, sir, I will *not* be tempted into making petty

criticisms of fellow crewmembers.

  There is, of course, the issue of the salad cream...



LISTER

  'The salad cream'..?



KRYTEN

  I spent many months training everyone to put the salad cream in the

fridge.  Then *she* comes on board, and - lo and behold! - it turns up back

in the cupboard!



LISTER <sarcastic>

  The first moon we come to - let's dump her!





[-- x - Int. Starbug corridor ---------------------------------------------]



[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]



KRYTEN

  And what about the extra laundry?  Now there are all kinds of

extraordinary items turning up in the dirty linen basket: tights; bras;

skimpy vests; little socks - tut, it's a massive extra workload!  Frank is

very upset.



LISTER

  Frank?



KRYTEN

  The washing machine.  I named him Frank, he works better with an identity.

  And what about the ironing?  I mean, *how* do you iron a bra??



LISTER

  Well, you've gotta take it off first...

  I spent years practicing that - used to put m' nan's bra around the

armchair until I could unhook it with m' left hand.  Even now, whenever I

see a {Parker nol??} I get horny.





[-- x - Int. Starbug Mid-section ------------------------------------------]



[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]



KRYTEN

  But have you ever tried to iron a bra, sir?  The only way I've found is

to stretch each container over my head, and iron it from there.  Believe me,

on a hot cotton setting it sends my optical systems into leak overload.



LISTER

  Cup.



KRYTEN

  Sorry, sir?



LISTER

  They're not called containers, they're called cups.



KRYTEN

  See?  I even have to learn new terminology, special *female* terminology:

'cups', 'pot pourri', 'depillatory cream' - oh!  It's never-ending.



<LISTER wearily walks to the galley, KRYTEN following>



LISTER

  How come you don't know what bras are?  What about the women on the

Nova 5?



KRYTEN

  Well, when I cleaned up my cache files, sir, I erased my lingerie

database.  I didn't see there's be much call for it, unless we had a fancy

dress party, and you wanted to go as Herman Goering.



LISTER

  Anyway, you can relax, Kryten.  She programmed the scan probe last week,

and it's returned the coordinates of the dimensional tear.  This time

tomorrow she;ll be back in her own dimension.



KRYTEN

  Well you're surely not upset, sir?



LISTER

  Look, if you've got a problem with *her*, say something to *her*.



KRYTEN

  I think I will!



LISTER

  There's no point whinging to me about it, say it to *her*.



[Enter KOCHANSKI]



KOCHANSKI

  Hi guys, how's it going?



KRYTEN

  Ah!  Morning Miss Kochanski, ma'am!  Sleep well?



LISTER <to KRYTEN>

  Coward.



<LISTER passes back into the mid-section>



KRYTEN <to LISTER>

  Hypocrite.



<KRYTEN too re-enters the mid-section>



KOCHANSKI

  Erm, not great, actually.  Had this really weird dream about a monkey

being stretched across a tennis court... noise was just unbearable...

  Where you practising the guitar again last night?



<LISTER avoids her eyes, and KOCHANSKI walks over to the galley>



KOCHANSKI

  So, what's for breakfast?



<Opens fridge>



KOCHANSKI

  Ah, what's this doing in here?



<KOCHANSKI takes the salad cream from fridge and puts it in a coupboard>



KRYTEN <to LISTER>

  Hold me back!  *Hold* me back!





[-- x - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------]





[-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters --------------------------------------------]



[LISTER, KRYTEN present]



KRYTEN

  Don't you see, sir, these deviations from established Space Corps. drill

could put our lives in jeapardy!



LISTER

  She was only drying her tights on the radiator!



KRYTEN

  That's the thin end of the wedge, sir!  One day it's drying tights, the

next we're spiralling out of control into the core of a newly-formed sun!



[Enter KOCHANSKI]



KOCHANSKI

  Er, sorry to interrupt, but we've got a couple of problems: all the

hazard-approach lights are flashing -



KRYTEN

  All of them?



KOCHANSKI

  Yes, although on this ship that can mean anything from "we're under

attack", to "the baked potatoes are burning".



[Exit KOCHANSKI]



KRYTEN

  Either way, it's serious.



[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER]





[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------]



[CAT, KOCHANSKI present]



[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]



CAT

  Getting a reading...  There's something up ahead:  a shiny thing, with a

long, silvery, glimmery thing behind it.



KOCHANSKI

  It's a phasing comet - velocity 25,000mps.



CAT

  That's what I said!



LISTER

  Kryten?



KRYTEN

  How am I supposed to concentrate on a phasing comet when, as soon as my

back's turned, the sald cream gets warm.



KOCHANSKI

  Heading straight for it's tail - plotting avoidance course.



LISTER

  What's the problem with going through it?  It'll get you home quicker.



KOCHANSKI

  Last time anyone did that, the gyroscopic forces ripped the ship apart,

turning the crew into the consistency of potato salad!



CAT

  Is that the firm, delicatessen form of potato salad, or the squishy, gooey

stuff in tins?



KOCHANSKI

  [beat]

  Tins...



CAT

  Maybe we should go around..?



LISTER

  We'll make it - we're a crew - we've been through a few things.  Remember

when we met up with the Vidal Beast of Sharma II?



CAT

  The one that nearly killed us?



LISTER

  No, the other one!

  Look, we can make it, okay?



KOCHANSKI

  Do you *know* what a comet is made of?



LISTER

  Are you suggesting that I don't know what a comet's made of?



KOCHANSKI

  Yes.



LISTER

  Well I do.



KOCHANSKI

  So what's it made of?



LISTER

  What's it made of?



KOCHANSKI

  Yes.



LISTER

  You wanna know what it's made of?



KOCHANSKI

  Yes, I do.



KRYTEN

  Ma'am, he knows what it's made of.



KOCHANSKI

  What??



KRYTEN

  Sir, tell her for goodness sake!



KOCHANSKI

  So, what's it made of?



<KRYTEN silently works his mouth, forming the word 'ice' for LISTER>



LISTER

  I see - I see...  Gas.  Some kind of gas.



<KRYTEN buries his head>



KOCHANSKI

  Some kind of gas??



LISTER

  Yeah, some gas!  Dunno what it's called, some gassy type of gas.



KOCHANSKI

  It's made of *ice*.



LISTER

  Exactly!  An icey type of gas, that's what I said: ice, an ice gas.



CAT

  I hate to interrupt, but this thing, whatever the hell it is, is gonna hit

us in about forty-five seconds!



LISTER

  I was only tryin' to save time, so we could get to the dimensional tear

quicker!  So you could get home to your much better Lister.



KOCHANSKI

  And I'm just trying to prevent us being scattered all over the galaxy like

some kind of cosmic seasoning!



CAT

  Here it comes!



KOCHANSKI

  That wasn't forty-five seconds!



CAT

  Oh - sorry!  I was reading the baked potato timer by mistake!  Will people

not leave that in here??  It just makes us look like we don't know what the

hell we're doing!





[comet hit]





CAT

  Lateral trimmers not responding!  It's like wrestling in treacle!



KOCHANSKI

  You hear that?  Cat says the trimmers are like wrestling in treacle!



CAT

  No, I said they were *down*, then I asked if you like wrestling in --

  Anyway...



LISTER

  Damage report, Kryten.



KRYTEN

  Auxilliary flight modulator has short-circuited --



CAT

  And the chocolate dispensers' ejected all the {someting!} snack bars onto

the gallery floor!





[model shot]





LISTER

  What's happenned to the stabalisers?



CAT

  Never mind the stabalisers!  Where's the hair mousse?



KRYTEN

  Stabalisers very unstable...



CAT

  Thirty snack bars sliding about!



LISTER

  I'm taking over control!



<wrestles with controls>



LISTER

  Yeaaaay, what did I tell ya?  Come to daddy, baby!  I have *control*.



KOCHANSKI

  It's called the pre-fold vaccum; we're in-between vapour streams.  With a

bit of luck we can ride it across to the other side of its tail.



[the second wave hits]



KOCHANSKI

  Or maybe not!

  If we don't turn around and go back we'll disintegrate in two minutes!



LISTER

  Kryten?



KRYTEN

  That's a little pessimistic, sir, I'd say more like three!



LISTER

  I think we should turn around...



<Starbug survives the wave and flies into clear space>



LISTER

  Pheww...

  Well, go on, say it.



KOCHANSKI

  Say what?



LISTER

  You know what you want to say.  Say it.



KOCHANSKI

  You want me to say it?



LISTER

  Say it.



KOCHANSKI

  You *really* want me to say it?



LISTER

  Go on, say it!



KOCHANSKI

  All right.  My Dave would *never* have endangered our crew like that.



LISTER

  You *had* to say it, didn't you.

  Will you stop calling your boyfriend 'Dave', he's just an alternative

version of me from a prallel dimension.  He's not 'Dave', he's the

anti-Lister.



KOCHANSKI

  Well, whoever the hell he is, I'm not gonna get to see him.  By the time

we fix this *mess* I'll have missed the Linkway!



[Exit KOCHANSKI]



LISTER

  Coulda got through that if the thrusters had worked...



CAT

  According to the SysComm, the thrusters never worked 'cos we were

carrying too much weight.



KRYTEN

  It's Miss Kochanski's *laundry*; why will no one listen to me?  Those

little whirly things are heavier than they look!



CAT

  Suppose we take a look in the cargo hold and see what supplies can be

jettisoned?



LISTER

  I'll go.  I could do with a breath of musty, fetid air...



KRYTEN

  Er, sir... you didn't *deliberately* damage the ship so that Miss

Kochanski had to stay behind, did you..?



LISTER

  No!  'Course not!

  Look, I'm gonna check out the hold.  Rimmer, man, you comin'?



<He stops.  KRYTEN and CAT stare at him>



LISTER

  Did I say..?  Why did I call you 'Rimmer'?  I called you 'Rimmer', my god!

  Cat!  Are you gonna make yourself useful or are you gonna preen yourself

all day?



CAT

  You mean I have a choice??



LISTER

  Come onnn...

  Can't believe I called you 'Rimmer'...





[-- x - Int. Sleeping Quarters -------------------------------------------]



[KOCHANSKI present]



<knock>



KOCHANSKI <wearily>

  Yesss?



[Enter KRYTEN]



KRYTEN

  As it seems you may be with us for some time, ma'am, I was wondering if I

might go through a few 'rules of the ship'?



KOCHANSKI

  Like what..?



KRYTEN

  Salad cream.  Salad cream belongs in the fridge, and *not* in the

cupboard.

  Two:  Pants belong in the pants drawer, and socks belong in the socks

drawer.  Having discovered a sock in your pants drawer, this simple

principle obviously needs re-stating...



KOCHANSKI

  Talking of my clothes, I'd like you to explain why my bras come back from

the laundry shaped like... like... your *head*..?



<KRYTEN studiously avoids her eyes>



KRYTEN

  Three:  The toilet seat fiasco --



KOCHANSKI

  Kryten!  I just don't want to hear this!



KRYTEN

  Mr Lister hasn't said anything, but I can tell he's *not* happy...



KOCHANSKI

  Well he's not the only one!  Do you think I *like* flying around space in

this big skip-with-thrusters?  Do you think I even enjoy breathing in on

this ship??  And to cap it all, I am faced with some neurotic droid who's

completely obsessed with my pants drawer!



KRYTEN

  You mean I'm not alone..?  Oh, I see.  You mean me.

  Well, just as long as we understand one another!



[Exit KRYTEN]



KOCHANSKI

  Ohhh, *god*.  Welcome to hell...





[-- x - Int. Cargo hold --------------------------------------------------]



[LISTER, CAT present]



LISTER

  Look at these... Rimmer's old shoe trees.  He had one for every pair of

his shoes.  Gave them all names: Mon-shoetree, Tue-shoetree,

Weden-shoetree...



CAT

  What the hell for?



LISTER

  So they all spent the same ammount of time in his shoes.



CAT

  Tsh.  What a smeg head...



LISTER

  Oh, he had lots of funny little habits.  But now that he's gone, I can see

them for what they were...



CAT

  Cretinous.



LISTER

  No... they were all the little foibles that made Rimmer... speecial.  He

was unique.



CAT

  Yeah... irritating, awkward and unsightly.  He was the human equivalent of

a visible pantie line!

  Well, we may as well start somewhere.  These can go!



LISTER

  No, no, you can't throw *them* out.  They're from when me and Rimmer

played gold on Treka XVI.  We  had a lot of fun.



CAT

  You had *fun* with Rimmer??



[DISSOLVE: LISTER's flashback]





[-- x - Ext.  Planetscape ------------------------------------------------]



[KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER present]



KRYTEN

  I'm afraid I only had room to build a nine-hole course, sirs.  It *is* a

very small planetoid.  Er, taking into consideration the thiness of

atmosphere, sir, I've made this a fifteen mile hole, par 3.



<RIMMER takes shot, ball flies off into the distance>



KRYTEN

  Oh, good *shot*, sir!



LISTER

  Heyyy, watch this - watch and weep...



<LISTER takes shot, ball shoots space-ward>



LISTER

  Ohh, smeg!



KRYTEN

  Ooh, I - I think it's gone into orbit, sir.



RIMMER

  Tough luck, Listy - I'll just pot mine and you owe me fifty big ones!



[Exit RIMMER]



LISTER

  Look at him, in the right boots he could be marchin' into Poland.



<LISTER and KRYTEN walk a short distance>



LISTER

  'Eyy, this is Rimmer's ball, isn't it?



KRYTEN

  It must have gone right around the planetoid, sir.



LISTER

  Well, no point botherin' him about it, Krytie, let's go.





[-- x - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------------]



[LISTER present, sat with feet up, watching RIMMER searching planetoid

 surface on a monitor]



RIMMER

  It must be here, somewhere!  I've been 'round the planetoid twice!



LISTER

  No ball, no bet, man - keep lookin'.



[DISSOLVE: out of flashback]





[-- x - Int. Cargo hold --------------------------------------------------]



[LISTER, CAT present]



LISTER

  Memories like that are just too precious to throw away...



[Enter KRYTEN]



KRYTEN

  Hello there, sir, how's it going?



CAT

  We're getting nowhere, bud.  He won't throw anything away because it

reminds him of the good times he had with Rimmer!  I must have blinked and

missed them.



LISTER

  You don't know what we used to do back on Red Dwarf in the early days.

Like when we played the Locker Room game, we used to open up the lockers of

all the dead crew members, and we got to keep whatever we found.



[DISSOLVE: LISTER's flashback]





[-- x - Int. Red Dwarf locker-room --------------------------------------]



RIMMER

  I don't trust you, Lister... this game's rigged.  Every time we play it,

you win.  Last time, you got a 30 carat gold wristwatch, and all I got was

one Wellington boot and a box of one hundred assorted tampons that glow in

the dark.

  Right, well I'll go first this time.



LISTER

  Okay.



RIMMER

  No, you can go first...



LISTER

  Okay, I'll have sixty-eight.



RIMMER

  Ah-a-a-a-a.  *I'll* have sixty-eight.



LISTER

  Fine...



RIMMER

  Er - you can have it.



LISTER

  Why??



RIMMER

  I know that you chose *that* one because you think that I think that

you're cheating; so I'll have it, and it'll be useless.  Ahhhhhhh, I'm not

gonna fall for that one, Listy.  You can have it.



LISTER

  To smart for me, man...



<breaks open locker>



LISTER

  'Eyy, a gold necklace; a bundle of cash; and 'eyyy, a nude wrestlin'

video!  "Baked bean bombshells Volume 12".



RIMMER

  Right!  Well I'll have... *that* one.  Number fifty-eight.



LISTER

  Okay...



<LISTER breaks the lock, RIMMER steps forward and opens it, and is blasted

by a gout of flame that bursts out of the opened door.  In hardlight form,

he is untouched by the flame but is left stunned when it clears>



RIMMER

  What the hell was that??



LISTER

  There's a note...  "People who break into lockers deserve everything they

get, you cheap double-crossing slimeball".

  Sounds like they know you.



[DISSOLVE: out of flashback]





[-- x - Int. Cargo hold --------------------------------------------------]



[LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN present]



LISTER

  See what I mean?  We had fun, it was great.  We had *fun*.



KRYTEN

  I'll put the rubber room on standby, sir...





[-- x - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]





[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]



[LISTER present]



[Enter RIMMER, still dressed in Ace's flightsuit]



<LISTER hears movement but doesn't turn around>



LISTER

  About time, Cat, you're late.  Now, where've you been?



RIMMER

  Hello, Listy.



LISTER

  Rimmer..?  Smeggin' 'ell!  What're you doin' 'ere?



RIMMER

  I got fed up with adventuring... you know what it's like:  you save a

couple of civilisations and it all gets a bit... samey.

  I thought I'd come and find the old team.



LISTER

  It's good to see you.

  Are you real?



RIMMER

  I'm as real as you can get, being a hologram.



LISTER

  So... where've you been?



RIMMER

  Argon 5.  I fought in the Bellagosian War; I was decorated, and used as a

Christmas tree in the town square where people came and fed me cherry

liqueur chocolates for the whole winter.

  Nahh, I'm only kidding.



LISTER

  Kiddin'?  What do you know about kidding?



RIMMER

  I just thought it was time I livened up a bit!



<RIMMER unexpectedly toots a party blower>



RIMMER

  Hey hey!



<RIMMER's sobriety returns>



RIMMER

  So, er, how about you?  How's it going?



LISTER

  Ahh, y'know.  Same old Starbug.  Same old travelling through space.



RIMMER

  I, erm, I hear you've got a new crewmember?



LISTER

  Yeah, Kochanski.



RIMMER

  What's she like?



LISTER

  She's okay, y'know?



RIMMER

  Is she... as good as me?



LISTER

  Well, she's been here a few weeks and she hasn't quoted one Space Corps.

directive...



<They share a laugh>



RIMMER

  She's pretty attractive though, isn't she?



LISTER

  Is she?  I hadn't really noticed.  She's the type you don't really notice.

When you eat soup and spill some on your shirt and you don't notice it?  Mm,

she's like that.



RIMMER

  So, she's... not as attractive as me, then?



LISTER

  Don't be daft... she couldn't hold a candle to you, man.



RIMMER

  Nah, you're just saying that.



LISTER

  I'm not.

  I missed you, man.



RIMMER

  And I've missed you too, Listy.



LISTER

  Ohh, Arnold, man...



RIMMER

  Dave...



<LISTER rushes out of his seat and the two of them embrace fiercely>



LISTER

  Don't ever leave us again!



RIMMER

  I won't!



LISTER

  You promise?



RIMMER

  Ohh, Listy...



LISTER

  Ohh, Rimsy...



<Their faces inches apart, LISTER and RIMMER succumb to feelings beyond

 either of their control - slowly, but surely, their lips join in a kiss>



[The instant their mouths lock, cut to...]





[-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters -------------------------------------------]



[LISTER present, lying in bed]



LISTER

  Yaaaaarrrggh!!



<LISTER starts himself awake so violently he tumbles out of his bunk onto

 the floor>



LISTER

  Aaargh!  Get off!  Get off!!



<He rubs his tongue violently with the palm of his hand>



LISTER

  Ohh, just a dream... thank god for that!  It was just a dream...





[-- x - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]





[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]



[CAT, KRYTEN present]



KRYTEN

  And another thing she does is, she keeps her pants in her sock drawer;

have you any idea how time consuming that can be to sort out?



CAT

  You mean, you've seen her pants??





[-- x - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]





[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]



[KRYTEN, LISTER present]



LISTER

  You're right Kryten, I must be losin' it, or I'd never be dreaming stuff

like *that*.  Kissin' Rimmer..?  I'd rather go bobbing for apples in the

communal latrine at Reading festival!



KRYTEN

  I'm sure this will help, sir, I'll just insert my hypno-therapy disk...



<KRYTEN pops open his abdominal disk and inserts what looks like a CD>



KRYTEN

  Now, just relax...



<A piercing german voice blasts out - KRYTEN fumbles to stop the noise>



LISTER

  What the hell???



KRYTEN

  Sorry, sir!  Wrong disk - that was my German language course; an extract

from Hitler's Nuremburg speech.  Definitely hypnotic, but not in the right

way...  I'll just go and find the proper one.



[Exit KRYTEN]



[Enter KOCHANSKI]



LISTER

  What are you doin' in here?



KOCHANSKI

  Just looking for something to erase the memory of everything I've ever

experienced...  Couple of gallons of medicinal alcohol should do it.



LISTER

  Listen, for what it's worth - I'm sorry you missed getting back to your

Dave.  'The hologrammatic hunk'.



KOCHANSKI

  That's okay; I'm sure there'll be another chance for you to cock it up

again.



LISTER

  Suppose you must be missin' him?



KOCHANSKI

  Yeah, I am a bit.



LISTER

  I know what it's like to miss someone.  The way they talk, the way they

laugh -



KOCHANSKI

  Heh, I know.



LISTER

  The way their nostils flare up like two railway tunnels leading into Snot

Street station.



KOCHANSKI

  N-no, you've lost me there...

  So you're missing Rimmer??



LISTER

  Had a dream about him, but he was different.  All smiles and jokes and...

stuff.



KOCHANSKI

  I thought you guys didn't get on?



LISTER

  We didn't, that's what's so weird!  His tidyness drove me crazy, the way

he used to eat his food in alphabetical order; the way he only ever used

three pieces of toilet paper: one up, one down, and one to polish.



KOCHANSKI

  Did he have *any* redeeming features?



LISTER

  No.  Oh yeah, sometimes he went out of the room.



KOCHANSKI

  So, how come Rimmer came to be around, anyway?



LISTER

  Well, Holly brought him back to keep me sane, but he drove me mad!



KOCHANSKI

  So, now he's gone, maybe you feel guilty because you realise he was trying

to help you?



LISTER

  If he was trying to help me, why didn't he... lighten up a bit?  Be happy?



KOCHANSKI

  Maybe he sacrificed his happiness to keep you sane?  But when he appeared

in your dream he was different, a carefree, fun-loving Rimmer.  A Rimmer who

didn't nag you into helping him catalogue his cheese collection.



LISTER

  You're saying I had him all wrong?



KOCHANSKI

  Wasn't your *fault*... you had to hate him, it was what kept you going.



LISTER

  I didn't know...



<LISTER takes KOCHANSKI's offered handkerchief and blows his nose loudly>



LISTER

  You know what I should do?  I should throw everything away, and make a new

start.



[Enter KRYTEN]



KRYTEN

  Ahh - sorry Miss Kochanski, ma'am, this *is* the medical bay, for *sick*

people only; surely you haven't broken out in a confusingly-filed pants

rash?



KOCHANSKI

  Kryten, do you know how to extract a warm bottle of salad cream from a

mechanoid's rectal cavity?



KRYTEN

  Not off hand, ma'am, but I could research it?



KOCHANSKI

  I'd start right now if I were you...



[Exit KOCHANSKI]



KRYTEN

  Okay, sir, now... just relax...



LISTER

  It's all right, Kryten.  I've talked things through with Kochanski, I'm

feeling a lot better.



KRYTEN

  Well that really takes the biscuit, doesn't it.  Turn my back for five

minutes and she waltzes in here and cures you!



LISTER

  She was only trying to help...



KRYTEN

  It's not the help I mind, sir, it's the fact that she succeeded!



<KRYTEN takes the handkerchief and blows his own nose every bit as loudly>





[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]



[LISTER, CAT, KOCHANSKI present]



LISTER

  Okay guys! I know declare games night officially open.  Seeing as Kris is

with us, you can have the honour of choosing the first game - and as you're

a bit sensitive, we're not gonna have any games that involve dropping

trousers and lighting stuff.



CAT

  Well that takes care of most of the repertoire!

  Where's Kryten??



LISTER

  I dunno, he should be here.

  Okay Kris?  Name your game...



KOCHANSKI

  All right!  I choose... 'The Magic Flute'!



LISTER

  What's that?  Sort of 'Musical Chairs'?



KOCHANSKI

  No, it's an opera... 'Magic Flute'?  Okay, we each hum a section of an

aria, and the others have to guess which character is singing.



CAT

  That's a game?



LISTER

  It's more like medieval torture...



KOCHANSKI

  No, it's really good, 'cos, you can, like, throw each other off the

scent!  Once, Dave - my Dave - he sang The Birdcatcher's Song in the

*German* translation, and it was *hilarious*!  We all, like, totally fell

about!



LISTER

  You fell about?



KOCHANSKI

  Yeah!



LISTER

  What, were you going through a meteor storm?



KOCHANSKI

  So what games do you play, then?  'Match the Bodypart to the Crewmember'?



CAT

  I always love that one!



KOCHANSKI

  'Armpit Name That Tune'?  'Guess Whose Bottie is Sticking Through a Hole

in the Curtain'?



CAT

  Shall I add that one to the slate, bud?



<LISTER nods approvingly>



[Enter KRYTEN]



KRYTEN

  Games night is cancelled; if you'll all kindly follow me to the AR suite,

I have something - I think - might amuse...



[Exit ALL]





[-- x - Int. AR Suite ----------------------------------------------------]



[ALL present]



KRYTEN

  I believe this is the answer to your dream, sir, and something slightly

more effective than Miss Kochanski's psychobabble...





[-- x - Int. AR sim ------------------------------------------------------]



[ALL present, seated two-abreast in a simulation of a roller-coaster car.

 There is no discernable scenery, other than a large set of fairground-

 styled double-doors just ahead of their car.  Lightbulbs flash gaily over

 the doors, upon which is stencilled "The Rimmer Experience"]



KRYTEN

  It's a museum to Mr Rimmer's memory; I made it myself.  If anyone finds

they are missing him, they can relive those great moments - it's all in

there: the man, the memories, the personality.



CAT

  The ego...



KRYTEN

  Yes - I had to scale that down quite a bit.



LISTER

  How did you compile all the exhibits?



KRYTEN

  Well, I re-created key events in his life from Mr Rimmer's diaries; he

kept meticulous records of life on board ship.

  Enjoy!



<Their care starts moving with a cranking noise and they pass through the

 doors>



[Viewpoint cuts to a point further down the featureless track]



<Their car jerks to a halt, and as it does so a large image of RIMMERS's

 face fades into being to one side of them>



RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER

  Welcome, to the Rimmer Experience.  A place of wonder, excitement, and...

wonder.

  You are about to witness some heroic events, which you may well find

impossible to attribute to any living person; but then, Arnold J. Rimmer was

a deeply remarkable man...



<Their car is jerked forward once more, and the narration continues>



RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER

  Being the driving force behind the Red Dwarf mission, the fearless Rimmer

had to dice with death on a daily basis.



LISTER

  What??



RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER

  Sometimes it needed a strong mind and cool nerves to hold the crew

together:



<The car lurches to a halt, and a short 'play' unfolds in front of their

 eyes>



RIMMER EXPERIENCE: KRYTEN

  Asteroid belt up ahead, sir.



RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER

  No it isn't Kryten, you thick, titanium plank; those are large, broken

fragments of a dying star which have compressed together under enormous

pressure, causing them to compress into large fragments.



RIMMER EXPERIENCE: KRYTEN

  You're quite right, sir, as usual.  How could I have made such an

elementary mistake?  As usual.



RIMMER EXPERIENCE: CAT

  It's at times like these that I get really scared!



RIMMER EXPERIENCE: LISTER

  Me too!  Save us!  Somebody save us before I wet m' keks!



LISTER

  That never happenned!  I swear that never happenned!



<With a jolt, the car rattles further along the dark track>



LISTER

  I feel sick!



KRYTEN

  I'm sorry, sir, it *is* a bit bumpy.



LISTER

  Nah, it's what I'm *seeing* that's making me sick!



<The car stops once more, throwing its passangers against their restraining

 lap bars.  Another 'playlet' takes shape>



RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER

  So you see, Cat?  If you wear the green paisley shirt with the cavalry-

twill trousers, you can be dignified *and*  fashionable at the same time.



CAT

  Let me at him!  I'm gonna kill him!  Cavalry-twill?  What does he think I

am?  A woodwork teacher?



RIMMER EXPERIENCE: CAT

  Say, Rimmer's a really great guy, isn't he!  I don't know what we'd do

without him!



RIMMER EXPERIENCE: LISTER

  I owe my life to him!



LISTER

  Get me out of here!



KRYTEN

  Wait a minute; here comes the best bit...



<Lurching forward, their car takes them on a true roller-coaster ride; up,

 down and around, while around them a truly bizzare set of imagery begins

 to take shape, and, to a jolly tune, a distingushed voice begins to spill

 forth the following lyrics>



RIMMER EXPERIENCE

  If you're in trouble he will save the day,

  He's brave and he's fearless come what may,

  Without him the mission would go astray...



  He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,

  Without him life would be much grimmer,

  He's handsome, trim, and no-one's slimmer,

  He will never need a Zimmer.



  He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,

  More reliable than a garden strimmer,

  He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner,

  He's not bald and his head doesn't glimmer.



  Master of the wit and the repartee,

  His command of Space Directives is uncanny,

  How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me...



  Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,

  He's also a fantastic swimmer,

  And if you play your cards right,

  then he just might come 'round for dinner.





[-- x - Int. AR sim ------------------------------------------------------]



[The music and images fade, and we find ourselves at the other side of 'The

 Rimmer Experience'.  A second set of double-doors mark the exit, and these

 crash open to disgorge the evil-minded roller-coaster car, which jerks to a

 violent halt just outside the doors]



[ALL present]



LISTER

  I never wanna see or hear from that scum-sucking, lying, weasel-minded

smegger in my entire life!



KRYTEN

  Sigmund Freud: eat your heart out!





[----------------------------- END OF "BLUE" ------------------------------]





[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor;

 no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended.  Comments, criticisms

 and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk".  Thanks.]







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