Season 7 Episode 7, Epideme

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                           RED DWARF - SERIES 7

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                           EPISODE 7 -- EPIDEME

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                               Version 0.7

                            6 - 8 March, 1997

                      Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk

                      http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk



 Credits for corrections: 





[-- 1 - Int. Starbug Cockpit ----------------------------------------------]



[All present, at stations]



CAT

  What *is* that thing?



KOCHANSKI

  Astro-glacier.  Allotropically modified, surrounded by an envelope of

luminous gases.



CAT

  Thanks!  That's most helpful!

  [To LISTER:] What is it?



LISTER

  To you: a big iceberg.



KOCHANSKI

  I studied them in my first year in the Corps. but I've never seen one up

this close before.  Isn't it incredible?  Look at those crystaline

formations... they're fabbaroo!



LISTER

  You think all this sciency stuff's really interesting, don't you?  I bet,

at school, you were always the one with the right coloured pencils, and the

impossibly neat handwriting.  I bet even now you can probably tell us the

average rainfall of the oil-rich coastal low-lands of Venezuela...



KOCHANSKI

  No I couldn't, I've no idea...

  [BEAT]

  Okay, three point four inches, so what?

  Unlike you guys, my greatest accomplishment isn't a line on a loo wall

somewhere marking my highest ever pee.



KRYTEN

  I'll have you know, ma'am, I too possess qualifications.



CAT

  What qualifications have you got, meat tenderiser head?



KRYTEN

  Why, I'm a fuly qualified Bachelor of Sanitation.  You may not know this,

sir, but many years ago I completed my course at Toilet University, where I

studied the lavatorial sciences.



KOCHANSKI

  Toilet University's just a piece of software, it's part of your core

program.



KRYTEN

  I still had to complete a written examination to indicate the program was

successfully installed.  Most interesting.  Did you know, for instance, that

the first syphon-and-valve flushing system was patented in 1778 by Joseph

Brehman, whose U-bend curvature equations are still --



LISTER

  Kryten!



KRYTEN

  Yes, sir?



LISTER

  Can this story maybe wait?  Ideally until after I'm dead?



CAT

  Well, speaking personally, I hardly didn't get no formal education at all.



LISTER

  No kidding, professor...



CAT

  No, it's true, bud.  That's why, sometimes, I don't know stuff.  Like...

well, practically everything.



KRYTEN

  Was this because you brought yourself up, sir?



CAT

  Right.  There was no one else around, so I had to teach myself.  And

seeing as I didn't know anything to begin with, lessons were long and slow;

especially on Thursdays when I had double nothing.



KOCHANSKI

  So, what do we do about the ice..?



KRYTEN

  Well, water supplies *are* low, ma'am.  If the ice is uncontaminated, it

might prove quite useful.



KOCHANSKI

  Okay, standard S.E.P. scan and log.



KRYTEN

  Locking on; scanning and logging.

  Extraordinary...



LISTER

  What is it?



KRYTEN

  There's something buried deep in the heart of the astro-glacier - some

kind of object...  it's huge; just processing.



LISTER

  Well?



KRYTEN

  It's a starship.





[-- x - Int. Docking bay within derelict ---------------------------------]



[ALL present]



LISTER

  This place is harder to get into than an airline chicken kiev!





[-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict -------------------------------------]



[ALL present]



KRYTEN

  It's the 'Leviathan', sir, a 23rd century JMC supply ship.  Engines are

dead: power overload; looks like they were running from something.

  Wait!  I'm picking up a lifesign.



LISTER

  Are you absolutely sure?



KRYTEN

  Certain.





[-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict -------------------------------------]



[ALL present]



KOCHANSKI

  I've never seen anything like this!



LISTER

  You weren't around for my last party, were you?



KRYTEN

  Look at their twisted, tortured faces!  The sheer blind terror.



LISTER

  Yaaaarggg!  Aarrrg!  Oh my god!



KOCHANSKI

  What is it?!



LISTER

  The back of my neck!  Great big gob of ice-water!

  It was wet and horrible!



[Exit KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT]



LISTER

  Went right down into m' crevice.



[Exit LISTER]





[-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict -------------------------------------]



[CAT present]



[Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT]



CAT

  Hey guys, check this out!

  There's a woman in there!



KRYTEN

  Just locating her JMC ident chip...  Ah.  Caroline Carmen.  According to

the psi-scan, she was once a supply officer on Red Dwarf.



LISTER

  I remember her - she got re-posted to Titan.



KOCHANSKI

  You knew her?



LISTER

  Yeah - she made a pass at me once!



KOCHANSKI

  I don't believe you... a supply officer'd never go our with *you*.



LISTER

  She did, actually.  In fact, me and Karen had quite a thing going there

for a really long time.



KOCHANSKI

  Caroline.



LISTER

  Caroline, yeah.  Karen's my *pet name* for her.



KOCHANSKI

  I don't believe a word.



LISTER

  Caroline Carmen and me, believe it!  Sexually, we're just *so* compatible.

In fact, while I was dating her, the two women in the quarters next door

nicknamed her Carmen Moans.  You could ask her if she was still alive.



KRYTEN

  She is, sir.  The lifesign appears to be coming from this very spot.



LISTER

  Does it?  Ah, well, she might not remember me *immediately*, she might

have amnesia.



CAT

  Amnesia?



LISTER

  Yeah, ice does that.  Gives you amnesia.  Isn't that right, Kryts?



KRYTEN

  Er, I don't recall hearing that, sir.



LISTER

  Y'see?  It's affecting 'im already.

  Okay, let's get her back to the bug.





[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]



[ALL present]



KRYTEN

  I've begun the water syphoning process from the Leviathan.  Any change

here?



CAT

  It doesn't make sense, bud.  The ice won't melt, and this room's hotter

than an English beer.



LISTER

  He's right.  The temperature's been a constant ninety degrees, and yet

she's still completely cold and unresponsive.



KRYTEN

  Ah, what about Miss Carmen..?



<KRYTEN turns away and shakes his shoulders, overplaying his joke>



LISTER <smiling>

  I was *talking* about Miss Carmen...



KOCHANSKI

  It's as if the body's generating the ice as a form of protection.



LISTER

  Maybe we should just laser it?



KRYTEN

  Reccommend we wait until the chemical analysis results are completed in

the morning, sir.  Any hasty lasering could result in lasting damage to the

body.



CAT

  Do you really think she's still alive in there?



KOCHANSKI

  She must be.





[-- x - Int. Starbug. Night ----------------------------------------------]



<Ice breaks open.  Rotting feet touch the floor, and the decomposing figure

 shuffles out of the medibay.  Driven by an unknown force, the woman finds

 herself outside the sleeping quarters.  Spotting LISTER, asleep in his

 bunk, the woman lets out a sigh of satisfaction, approaches LISTER and

 slips under his duvet.  LISTER half-wakes, and not only gets the wrong end

 of the stick, but manages to get splinters in all four fingers and two in

 his thumb>



LISTER

  Well, well, well, well... this is a bit of a turn up, isn't it..?  Eh?


You just couldn't stay away, could you, Kris?

  Hey, what're you doing?  Hey, wait!  What're you doing?? <Laughs>



<The hideous spectre pulls out LISTER's longjohns and tosses them away>



LISTER <mock offended>

  And what makes you so damn sure I'm interested..?  *You* dumped *me*,

remember?  You think you can just jump in m' bed and I'm yours?

  Well, as it happens you're right, but let me tell you, it was a pretty

close thing.



<The ghastly creature begins to nibble at LISTER's ear>



LISTER

  Mmm.  It's good to feel your sweet breath against my neck again...



<A knock issues from the hatchway>



LISTER

  Smeg!  It's Kryten!  It's Kryten!  Quick - quick, in the shower.  *In the

shower*...



<In the darkness, LISTER throws the blanket over 'Kris' and herds her into

 the shower cubicle.  He grabs a towel and ties it around himself>



LISTER

  Smeg...



<LISTER opens the hatch>



[Enter KRYTEN]



KRYTEN

  Are you alone, sir?



LISTER

  Yeah.



KRYTEN

  Well, I just thought I'd come in and dust your quarters.



LISTER

  It's two o'clock in the mornin', man!



KRYTEN

  Ah, yes, well this *is* an *emergency* dust, you see, sir.  My sensors

have picked up *vast* quantities of dust in this region and I simply *must*

dust, right now!



<LISTER blocks the hatway as KRYTEN tries to pass through>



LISTER

  I'll take the risk, man!



KRYTEN

  Ah, I simply can't allow that, sir.



<KRYTEN feints left, right left and scurries past LISTER at high speed>



KRYTEN

  Ahh!  Double bed mode... hmm...

  I'll just, ahem, dust inside your wardrobe, sir.



<KRYTEN wrenches the door open>



KRYTEN

  Under your spare bunk duvet...



<KRYTEN sends the cover flying>



KRYTEN

  Hmmm... in your other wardrobe.



LISTER

  Kryten, man, I'm trying to get some kip!



KRYTEN

  She's *in* here, isn't she!



LISTER

  I don't know what you mean, man...



KRYTEN

  You promised me you wouldn't like her more than me!  You promised!



LISTER

  Kryten... listen, erm, look it's like --



KRYTEN

  It's because she's got a better shaped head than me, isn't it!



LISTER

  Not again, man, no!  No!



KRYTEN

  It is!



LISTER

  I *like* your head!



KRYTEN

  Not as much as you like hers!



LISTER

  What are you talking about?  You've got one of the all-time great heads -

it's attractive, it's functional, it - it's almost perfect for carving a

sunday roast!



[Enter KOCHANSKI]



KRYTEN

  She's in the shower, isn't she!  *ISN'T SHE*!?



KOCHANSKI

  Who?



KRYTEN

  Miss Kochanski!  Who'd you think!?  Madam Curie??



KOCHANSKI

  What is all this noise about?  I can't sleep!



<KRYTEN does a double-, then a triple-take>



KRYTEN

  <Ahem>  Forgive me, sir.  Shame mode.  Excuse me, ma'am...



[Exit KRYTEN]



LISTER

  How the hell did you *do* that..?  Of course!  You slipped out through the

vent shaft, and dropped into the corridor - brilliant!



KOCHANSKI

  What?



LISTER

  You're a genius, an absolute genius!



KOCHANSKI

  What are you doing??



LISTER

  I'm unbuttoning your shirt...



KOCHANSKI

  What are you doing that for?!



LISTER

  'Cos we've got a little unfinished business!



KOCHANSKI

  That was a *long* time ago, things are very different now!



LISTER

  Look, he's gone - don't worry about Kryten; now come on, get y' kit off,

and I'll go and slip into m' Batman outfit.



KOCHANSKI

  You really believe in being direct, don't you...



LISTER

  Aww, come on, rumpy-pumpy, Kris - let's hit the springs?



<Not quite believing what she's hearing, KOCHANSKI pulls her arm back and

delivers a direct and to-the-point Space Corps right cross straight across

LISTER's jaw>



KOCHANSKI

  That's your idea of seduction, is it??  Well, forget it, Lister!  Not if

you were the last man alive...



LISTER

  I *am* the last man alive.



KOCHSNSKI

  I rest my case...



[Exit KOCHANSKI]



LISTER

  What did I do wrong..?  *What*?



<LISTER dejectedly heads back to bed, and remembers the bed linen now

 discarded in the shower cubicle>



LISTER

  Oh!  Duvet...



<LISTER heads back to the shower cubicle, and suddenly finds that his duvet

is not alone>



LISTER

  Oh my god!  Caroline!  You've really let yourself go...

  You could audition for about nine hundred Clearasil commercials!



<LISTER tries to push Carmen back, and a soggy ear comes off in his hand>



LISTER

  Sorry...



<LISTER struggles, but can't keep the zombie away.  She pins him down and

 plants a sloppy, decomposing kiss on him.  Lister pushes her away finally,

 the corpse having gone suddenly limp, and spits out chunks of tongue and

 spongy jawbone>



LISTER

  God!



KRYTEN

  Are you all right, sir!?



LISTER <breathing heavily>

  I've just been molested by Tutunkamun's<sp> horny grandma!  Of course

I'm not smeggin' all right!

  Eurgh!  The taste!  I need to to go and gargle with a toilet duck!



KRYTEN

  She's dead, sir - and, curious, it appears she's been dead for three

million years...



LISTER

  Er, if she's been dead for three million years, where did the lifesigns

come from?



KRYTEN

  Hmm, good point, sir; and, more to the point, where did they go..?



<LISTER, hyperventilating now, keels over and faints>





[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]



[ALL present]



LISTER

  I feel really lousy...



KOCHANSKI

  Oh, you're probably just in shock, don't be such a baby.



KRYTEN

  Miss Kochanski, ma'am, if I may say so, your bedside manner leaves

something to be desired.



KOCHANSKI

  Like what?



KRYTEN

  Well, like a bedside manner!




LISTER

  You think I'm a hyperchondriac?



KOCHANSKI

  You're a man, aren't you?  I mean, you all get the common cold and you

think it's malaria.



KRYTEN

  Oh, and women, of course, are different?



LISTER

  They just have a different perspective on pain, Kryten.  As would you if,

every summer, you had to pour hot wax on your crotch and rip out half your

thatch.



CAT

  He's right, I hate doing that.



KRYTEN

  The tests are complete, and... there's, a foreign substance in your blood,

and... well, I recognise the DNA, sir.



CAT

  Is that good or bad?



KRYTEN

  It's the epideme virus, sir.  Er, a man-made parasite created as a rival

to the nicotine patch.  Epideme was an intelligent organism, designed to

block all neural signals relating to nicotine craving, but in practice, it

also blocked the signals telling the body it needed blood and oxygen.



CAT

  Is *that* why the Carmen chick looked like the centerfold from this

month's Playzombie?



KRYTEN

  Precisely.  It's virtually unstoppable.  For the first forty-eight hours

it consumes its host, then hijacks the corpse and goes looking for a new

victim...  When it can't find one, it freezes the body and waits.



CAT

  So, the lifesigns on the Leviathan --



KOCHANSKI

  Didn't belong to Carmen, but to the parasite inhabiting her body...  Which

passed to you the moment she... well...



LISTER

  Slipped her mouth-meat down m' gullet?  I've been tongue-hockeyed to

death!  In forty-eight hours I'm going to be deader than a Saturday night in

Salt Lake City!



KRYTEN

  There *is* one option, sir...  I believe you might have a chance if you,

well, reason with it.



LISTER

  Reason with *what*?



KRYTEN

  The virus, sir.  After all, it is intelligent.



LISTER

  Kryten, are you neural circuits picking up interference from the tumble-

drier again?



KRYTEN

  If we can patch in the universal translator, it might just be possible to

talk to it.  I believe it's your only chance, sir.





[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]



[ALL present]



KRYTEN

  It's a long shot, I know, but if we can reason with it, we might pursuade

it to leave.  Now, remember: be charming.



LISTER

  Be charming to my virus... right.



KRYTEN

  Patching in the U.T...



<A floating, holographic screen spins into existance.  On it is rendered

 something akin to a pulsating, animated Julia Set fractal, in colours of

 red and green>



EPIDEME

  Aaaand a great big "Hi!" to all of you out there in flesh-and-blood land!

And tonight, Dave Lister, assistant vending machine sub-operative, and spice

food conneseur, this is your *death*!



<The epideme virus has a loud, intimidatingly brash voice, and is somewhat

 reminiscent of The Plant from Little Shop Of Horrors.  The fractal image

 expands and contracts to match the virus's tone and inflections>



EPIDEME

  Your line...



KRYTEN

  I take it we're speaking with the epideme virus..?



EPIDEME

  Give that man an eyebrow!  Heyyy, I'm feeling generous, give him two!



KRYTEN

  Well, er, maybe we should, um, can I --



EPIDEME

  *Dave*... let's run down the rules.  If you win: *you* get to live; if I

win: you get to die, and I take all your knowledge then I kill you...



LISTER

  What?  You absorb knowledge from every person you kill?



EPIDEME

  So, as you can appreciate, killing you ain't exactly a career highlight...

No offence, but when you're a virus there's not much call for knowing how to

open a lager bottle with your *anus*.



LISTER

  How can you justify killing another living being?



EPIDEME

  How about that chicken you *biriani'd* last night?  How can you justify

killing that??



LISTER

  Me and the chicken... it was different.



EPIDEME

  How's that, David..?




LISTER

  Well, I'm a person, it was a curry.



EPIDEME

  He died so *you* could go on living; is that so different from what I'm

doing?



LISTER

  Of course it is!  Totally!  I'm a human being, Ihave certain qualities

that elevate me above poultry!  I can think; I can play the guitar --



CAT

  Better than a chicken?  Are you crazy?



KRYTEN

  We're losing the argument, sir!  You better move on to another

subject.



LISTER

  I'm the last guy alive!



EPIDEME

  *And that gives you more right to exist than me..?*



LISTER

  Well, yeah... because --



EPIDEME

  Time for your species to check out, Davey.  Arevaderche, humies...





[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]



[LISTER present, patched into the universal translator.  EPiDEME virus

 visible on it's screen]



EPIDEME

  David, come on... you've got a virus; it's fatal - it happens.  Doesn't

mean we can't be friends!



<Frustrated, LISTER reaches to disengage the translator>



EPIDEME

  Don't touch that dial!!



[Exit EPIDEME]



[Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]



KRYTEN

  Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr Epideme, no

matter how drastic?



LISTER

  Yeah, what have you got, Kryts?



KRYTEN

  A solution, sir, but, er...



LISTER

  What?



KRYTEN

  It's too drastic.



LISTER

  Tell.



KRYTEN

  Well, what we thought was - you see -



<KRYTEN's speech collapses into unintelligible babbling>



KOCHANSKI

  We want to cut off your arm.



LISTER

  You what??



KRYTEN <hisses to KOCHANSKI>

  It's a stupid idea!  I told you it was a stupid idea!



KOCHANSKI <hisses back>

  It was your idea!



KRYTEN <to KOCHANSKI>

  Are you saying I'm stupid?



KOCHANSKI <hissing back>

  No!  I'm saying it was your stupid idea!



<KOCHANSKI recovers her dignity and addresses LISTER again>



KOCHANSKI

  It's our only chance to save you.  It could be worse...



LISTER

  What, you mean I could be planning a career in archery?



KOCHANSKI

  You could be *dead*.  Now, you said you'd consider anything, well, this is

it.



LISTER

  Can I have some details?  Something a little bit more inspiring than "can

I hack off your limb?"



KRYTEN

  The plan is to inject anti-virals in a precise pattern through your body,

forcing epideme into your arm.



LISTER

  And then you cut it off.  Great plan.

  What choice have I got...

  Okay, but make it my left arm, okay.  'Cause my right arm does all my

favourite things.



KRYTEN

  Okay, sir.



KOCHANSKI

  Let's go!  Chop-chop!



<KOCHANSKI winces, hearing her badly-chosen words too late>



KOCHANSKI

  Sorry...





[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]



[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present.  LISTER present, unconscious on the bed]



KRYTEN

  Injecting anti-virals.



KOCHANSKI

  Okay, virus heading north.  Grid coordinate one-oh-nine point four.



KRYTEN

  Ah, the pancreas.



KOCHANSKI

  One-oh-four point two, on my mark...  Mark.

  And heading for the left shoulder: Three-oh-nine point zero...

  No, no, no, no!  Three-oh-eight!  Three-oh-eight!

  It's heading away from his left arm - four-oh-six point nine... point

eight... four-oh-six point five...

  Virus heading into his right arm --



KRYTEN

  The right arm, it's our only chance.

  Laser bone saw, sir, quickly!  Amputation mode: cut and cauterise!



<KRYTEN raises the saw and slices off LISTER's hand>



KOCHANSKI

  It's not enough.



<KRYTEN saws off another three inches>



KOCHANSKI

  Still not enough.



<The saw buzzes again, and another two or three inches of forearm land in

 the tissue disposal sack>



KOCHANSKI

  Still not enough!



<KRYTEN slices off what is left of LISTER's entire right forearm>



KOCHANSKI

  Still not enough.



<Desperately, KRYTEN raises the amputation to the middle of LISTER's upper

 arm>



KOCHANSKI

  Okay!

  If this doesn't work, we're out of options.



CAT

  Whether it works or not, it's gonna be a cold day in hell before touch

barbecue wings again!





[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]



[LISTER present, asleep on the bed.  KOCHANSKI present, seated by the

 bedside, reading]



<LISTER wakes and peers at his left arm.  Seeing it still there he smiles

 with relief.  Then, glancing to his right, he suddenly realises that *that*

 arm has gone - he lets out an involuntary whimper>



KOCHANSKI <speaking into a comm unit>

  He's awake!



LISTER

  My *left* arm..?  My left arm, I said!  That's my right; what kind of

navigation officer can't tell left from right??



KOCHANSKI

  We did the best we could; I am *so* sorry.




LISTER

  Where is it?



KOCHANSKI

  We flushed it into space, we had to.



LISTER

  Ohh, my right arm...  I did *everything* with that arm; we were

inseperable!  At least, I thought we were.



[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]



KRYTEN

  Mr Lister, sir, you're awake!



CAT

  Buddy, you look great!



LISTER

  Oh, it's not your fault.  You did what you had to do to save my life.



<KRYTEN lets out his high-pitched, Stan Laurel-like whimpering>



LISTER

  You haven't saved my life...



KOCHANSKI

  Seven per cent of epideme's virions have found their way back into your

body.  They're currently multiplying exponentially.



LISTER

  So, to sum up: all's I've got to look forward to now is death,

zombification, and then a quick, after-death snog with either you or the

Cat?  You've given my arm - *my* arm - for nothing?



KRYTEN

  Not nothing, sir!  Based on my calculations, it's bought you approximately

fifty-eight minutes more life.



LISTER

  I - *What* am I gonna do with fifty-eight minutes more life??



CAT

  Have half a juggling lesson?



LISTER

  You're really not helping.





[-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters -------------------------------------------]



[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present, preparing LISTER's quarters for his return]



<KOCHANSKI steps over to the bed, plumps the pillows and lays them out side

 by side, then moves away to sort out some clothes.  KRYTEN, turning and

 seeing the pillows, clucks to himself and re-arranges the two pillows one

 atop the other.  As he moves away and KOCHANSKI turns back to the bed, she

 sees the pillows and again lays them out side by side.  Annoyed now, KRYTEN

 waits until she turns away and returns the pillows to the two-tier

 formation>



KOCHANSKI

  Kryten, he doesn't like them like that.



KRYTEN

  Well, begging you pardon, ma'am, I've been with Mr Lister for many years

now.  I don't need some 'Judy Come-Lately' advising me on his sleeping

arrangements.



KOCHANSKI

  Kryten, in my dimension I co-habited with him...  I think I know what

makes him happy in bed...



KRYTEN

  So do I.  A large packet of extra-spicy tortilla chips, and a really good

horror movie - preferably featuring some scantily-clad, kung-fu fighting

lady vampires.



[Enter CAT]



CAT

  Hey, old five-fingers has checked out!



KOCHANSKI

  Oh my god, you mean..?



CAT

  No, not *dead*; checked out.  He's gone.  And about forty pounds of

Incinerex blasting plastic has gone missing from supply bunker seven.

  You think there could be a connection..?



KOCHANSKI

  Come on!





[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo hold ------------------------------------------]



[LISTER present, struggling to turn the airlock locking wheel and open the

 heavy iron door]



[ENTER KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT, onto the gantry above the deck]



KOCHANSKI

  What are you doing?



LISTER

  I'm just popping down the corner shop.  Does anyone want anything?



KRYTEN

  Sir, please, come back.  There is no reason to return to the Leviathan.



LISTER

  It's the only way, Kryten.  Get back over there, detonate this stuff, and

destroy all traces of the virus.  At least I'll rob it of the satisfaction

of killing me.



KOCHANSKI

  Dave, close the airlock.  What you're doing is *insane*.



CAT

  She's right.  You've already screwed up the ping-pong tournaments, now

you're gonna mess up the yo-yo championships too.



KOCHANSKI

  Dave, don't go through that door!  If you go through that door, I'll never

speak to you again as long as you --



[Exit LISTER]



KOCHANSKI

  Oh my god, just how *stupid* am I?



KRYTEN

  According to my calculations, ma'am --



KOCHANSKI

  Kryten, shut up!





[-- x - Int. Drive room aboard the Leviathan -----------------------------]



[LISTER present]



<LISTER has wired up the universal translator.  He activates it, and

 EPIDEME's fractal visage appears on the holographic screen>



EPIDEME

  Hey baby, what's this?  The Christmas special?



LISTER

  That's right, man, yeah!  And look what I got you:  forty pounds of

Incinerex.



EPIDEME

  It's macho, but it's not you.  You get what I'm sayin'?



LISTER

  Let's set the timer for five minutes, shall we?



EPIDEME

  Er, Dave, hel-looo?



KRYTEN [VO]

  Leviathan, this is Starbug.  Come in, sir.





[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]



[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]



LISTER [Mic]

  Kryten, get Starbug well away from here!  You've got five minutes.



KOCHANSKI

  Dave, listen to me.  Dave - my Dave - had a saying: "even the word

'hopeless' has 'hope' in it"...



CAT

  Maybe you had to be there..?



LISTER [Mic]

  What the hell did that mean?



KOCHANSKI

  You *can't* give up!



LISTER [Mic]

  I'm dead already.  Use your eyes.  I look worse than the Grim Reaper's

passport photo.



KRYTEN

  Please give us more time, sir?  The medicomp might still come up with an

antidote.



LISTER [Mic]

  There's no point.  Look, I haven't... made a will... Kris?  Under my bunk,

I want you to have the collection of songs I wrote about you.



KOCHANSKI

  Collection?



LISTER [Mic]

  Well, three.  There's only two things that rhyme with 'Kochanski'; I used

'underpantski' twice...

  Kryten, to you I leave all my laundry.  Hey, keep it clean for me man.



KRYTEN

  Oh, sir, you're too generous.



LISTER [Mic]

  Cat, you can have anything you want from my wardrobe.



CAT

  I can?  Great!  I need some hangers!





[-- x - Int. Drive room aboard the Leviathan -----------------------------]



LISTER

  Sixty seconds left, epideme.



EPIDEME

  Davvve, your heart says 'blow' but your brain says 'no!'.  You're no

quitter - hell! - the people of this ship kept searching for a solution

right until the end!  *They* never gave up.



LISTER

  They didn't?



EPIDEME

  Hell, *no*!  They even overloaded their engines - so *sad*, 'cause they

were *so near*...



LISTER

  So near...  They weren't running *from* something, but *to* something...

  Son-of-a-gun...

  Kryten, man, change of plan!





[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ----------------------------------------------]



[LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present]



KRYTEN

  Er, sir, I've been meaning to ask: as you retain specialist knowledge from

each of your victims, and as the two of us have no gripe, I was wondering if

you'd be kind enough to fill in some gaps in *my* knowledge?



EPIDEME

  Sure, shoot!  I'm red hot in quantum mechanics, cell molecular biology and

TV theme tunes!  Ask me *anything*...



KRYTEN

  Very well.  One thing I've always wanted to know: who on earth *was* the

fourth Marx brother?



EPIDEME

  Zippo.  *Easy*!  Ask me a hard one.



KRYTEN

  A hard one?



EPIDEME

  A *HAAAAAAAARD* one... oouuugggh.



KRYTEN

  Very well.  How could Starbug's drive module be reconfigured to be made

more efficient?



EPIDEME <takes a deep beath>

  Re-route the pulse relays by the auxilliary conductor node and transpose

all the prime numbers in the first line of the alphabet to the energy

equation.  Thhbptptpt.



KRYTEN

  And that would make Starbug more efficient?



EPIDEME

  Thrrrreeee hundred percent faster!



LISTER

  That's all we needed to know.  The Leviathan was heading for Delta 7 for

the epideme cure.  Trouble was, by the time *we* reached Delta 7 I'd be

dead.



KRYTEN

  Unless we could work out a way of making the ship go faster.



LISTER

  And now we have...



EPIDEME

  Well I'll be the son-of-a-bacteria...





[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]




[CAT, KOCHANSKI present]



KOCHANSKI

  How're we doing?



CAT

  Like a speeding bullet stuck in the back end of a bat out of hell!

  Going into orbit right now.



KOCHANSKI

  Scanning surface... oh my god...



CAT

  What is it?



KOCHANSKI

  The planet, it's been flamed - there's nothing down there!  Not a

building, not a plant... nothing...





[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay -------------------------------------------]



[LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present]



[Enter KOCHANSKI]



KOCHANSKI

  You knew, didn't you?



EPIDEME

  Heyyy, I had to do something to make Dave think there was hope.  The whole

planet was flamed to get rid of me!  But I'd allrrrready left, in one of the

Star Corps. medical engineers, who then made a housecall - to the Leviathan!



<Angry and frustrated, KOCHANSKI opens her mouth to retort, then appears to

 suddenly think of something.  She turns and rushes out>





[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay -------------------------------------------]



[LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present]



[Enter CAT]



CAT

  How's it going?



KRYTEN

  Life signs almost gone, sir.



EPIDEME

  And in tomorrow's episode: Kris Kochanski has a nasty turn when Dave, her

hilarious decomposing boyfriend, returns from the grave to infect her with a

wacky, but charasmatic, virus!

  Until then, good night...



[Exit EPIDEME]



[Enter KOCHANSKI]



KOCHANSKI

  Okay, last roll of the dice.  Dave, I'm gonna stop your heart, okay?



KRYTEN/CAT

  What!?



KOCHANSKI [to LISTER]

  It's the last chance to save you, *do you agree*?



LISTER

  You're gonna prevent epideme from killing me by killing me..?



KOCHANSKI

  I'll take that as a yes...



<KOCHANSKI raises a hypo-spray device to LISTER's chest and pumps a shot

 into his heart.  LISTER jolts then lies still>



KOCHANSKI

  Is he..?



KRYTEN

  Dead!?  Yes, ma'am!



<KOCHANSKI gingerly moves her left arm over LISTER's body towards his head>



KRYTEN

  Er, careful Miss Kochanski, don't get too close to him!



<As her hand approaches LISTER's mouth, his torso suddenly spasms.

 Epideme's laughter rings out as LISTER sinks his teeth into KOCHANSKI's

 hand, and LISTER falls back, unmoving>



KRYTEN

  The epideme virus hass transferred to you!  It's infected your hand!



EPIDEME

  And the big showbiz news today is that, as expected, the long-running

virus, epideme, has been renewed for *another season*!



KOCHANSKI

  Wrong, bug-head!  You're *axed*!



<Her voice grating, KOCHANSKI picks up the laser saw and raises it over the

 infected arm>



EPIDEME

  No... no!  Yaaaaagggghhh!



<Swiftly and unemotionally, KOCHANSKY drops the saw over the arm, severing

it at the elbow>



CAT

  Oh - my - god!  Did you see that!?  She - she -



<Unable to get a grip on what he's just seen, CAT serenely keels over,

 rigid>



KRYTEN

  Miss Kochanski, ma'am!  What - I mean - what - have you gone completely

insane?!?



KOCHANSKI

  Kryten..!



<sounding much too cheerful for a woman who's just cut off her own arm,

 KOCHANSKI reveals the bare and unblemished left arm of her own from behind

 her back and flashes both triumphantly.  KRYTEN gasps, eyes flashing

 between the two arms attached to KOCHANSKI's body, and the arm lying on the

 floor>



KOCHANSKI

  It was Caroline Carmen's - I injected it with blood and adreneline!



KRYTEN

  That really is quite extraordinary...



<KOCHANSKI heads to ward the exit hatch, KRYTEN following.  They pass out of

 sight, and KRYTEN's voice can be heard as they walk away:



KRYTEN

  D'you know, I had you marked down as a bit of a madam, but I really have

to except that I'm going to have to get to like you at that.  I mean, you do

annoy me to some degree but, really, that --

  **MR LISTER**!!!!



[Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, sprinting in from the corridor]



<KRYTEN squeals something, most likely a request to KOCHANSKI to pass him

 the high voltage cardiac arrest pads>



KRYTEN

  Clear!



<KRYTEN places the pads on LISTER's chest and fires a jolt of electricity

through LISTER's body.  LISTER arches off the bed, but falls back lifeless.



KRYTEN

  Clear!



<Again the pads fire, and again LISTER arches.  As he falls back to the bed,

 we hear him draw in a shuddering breath>



KRYTEN

  Clear!



<One more jolt from the pads sends LISTER off the bed, and coughs and

 splutters his way back to life>



LISTER

  Ohh, where have I been?



KRYTEN

  Well, for the last few minutes, sir, you've been dead...



LISTER

  Wow...



KOCHANSKI

  How did it feel?



LISTER

  Ever been to Swindon?



<Unexpectedly, KOCHANSKI's leans forward and places a gentle kiss on

 LISTER's forehead>



LISTER

  What's that for?



KOCHANSKI

  For not staying dead!



<As she steps back, KRYTEN fussily moves in and, with a duster, dabs at

 LISTER's forehead.  He turns back to KOCHANSKI as he dabs, explaining:>



KRYTEN

  Germs.





[---------------------------- END OF "EPIDEME" ----------------------------]





[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor

 and Paul Alexander; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended.

 Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk"

 Thanks.]