RED DWARF Series II Episode 4, "Stasis Leak"
1 Ext. View of space.
HOLLY: (in space) Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red
Dwarf. Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive; Arnold
Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate; and a creature who evolved
from the ship's cat. Message ends.
(Reappearing) Additional: On our journey back to Earth, we have
encountered many strange and bizarre things. Only last month we came
across a moon which was shapedexactly like Felicity Kendall's bottom.
We flew around that one a couple of times.
Caption: 3 million years ago.
2 Int. CAPTAIN's office. Past.
LISTER, RIMMER, and CAPTAIN HOLLISTER are present. The CAPTAIN is
talking on the phone. He looks tired. LISTER is lounging, feet up, in
the office's other chair. RIMMER is standing to one side, at stiff
attention.
CAPTAIN: Okay. (puts phone down) Rimmer, make this quick.
RIMMER: Sir, I wish to place on record that third technician Lister,
David--
CAPTAIN: <Get on with it>, Rimmer.
RIMMER: --smuggled aboard the mining vessel Red Dwarf a consignment of a
hallucinogenic fungi "Titan Mushrooms," more popularly known to the
Space Beatnik community as "Freaky Fungus."
CAPTAIN: Is this true?
LISTER: Erm, sort of.
RIMMER: And on the morning of Febuary the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage
in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J.--
CAPTAIN: For crying out loud, Rimmer!
RIMMER: --the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned
Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.
CAPTAIN: Okay, I'm getting the picture.
RIMMER: Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a
grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and
a large quantity of _mushrooms_. Having consumed this repast, second
technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as
a voyage to trip-out city. To whit, a major hallucinogenic fit.
CAPTAIN: Lister, is this true?
LISTER: No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.
RIMMER: The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, then attended inspection
parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving
gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this
psychadelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers,
believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous.
CAPTAIN: You'd better have a good reason for this, Lister.
LISTER: I have, sir.
CAPTAIN: Why'd you do it?
LISTER: I thought it'd be a laugh.
CAPTAIN: Right. Two weeks PD, Lister. Dismissed.
RIMMER: With respect, sir, the penalty for a crime of this nature is
fifteen years imprisonment.
LISTER: <>
CAPTAIN: Rimmer, <I sentenced this man.>
RIMMER: Two weeks?
CAPTAIN: That's enough.
RIMMER: Two smegging weeks?
CAPTAIN: I said, that is enough!
RIMMER: With repect, sir, you've got your head right up your big fat
arse.
3 Int. Corridor.
People going to and fro, all looking busy.
RIMMER: Eight weeks PD! How come I get eight weeks and you get only two?
What did I do to deserve that? What did I do?
LISTER: You shouldn't have stuck your pencil up his nose!
RIMMER: It was the rubber end! Plus, the doctor will get it out in no
time.
LISTER: You ripped up and ate his wife's photograph.
RIMMER: I didn't know it was his wife. I thought it was a publicity shot
for "Planet Of The Apes."
They stop at a vending machine. LISTER presses a button.
LISTER: Two teas.
PASSER-BY: Excuse me.
LISTER: (to RIMMER) Listen, man, I'm sorry about those mushrooms, you
know. I mean, I didn't know... I'm not totally reckless and
irresponsible, for God's sake. I mean, when it comes down to it, I'm a
pretty straight and honest geezer.
RIMMER: Where did you get them?
LISTER: I nicked them. They were in a locker. They must have belonged
to Headbanger Harris.
They enter their quarters.
RIMMER: Why didn't you tell the Captain this?
LISTER: What? And get someone into trouble?
RIMMER: Oh, no. Eight weeks painting the smegging ship?
LISTER: I'm sorry.
RIMMER: Get the space-suits.
LISTER leaves. Suddenly a voice speaks from nowhere.
VOICE: I don't want you to panic, Arnold. I want you to stay absolutely
calm. I'm coming out in a moment, and I want you to keep your cool.
Are you ready? Here I come.
A hologrammatic head rises out of the floor -- RIMMER's, with a silver
"H" on the forehead. ARNOLD, understandably, jumps.
HEAD: There, that wasn't too bad, was it? Look, I found a stasis leak on
floor sixteen. I'm dead now, and you're not, but if I save you, you
won't die, so I won't die, and you won't be dead either, and neither
will I.
ARNOLD peers suspiciously at his coffee, wondering if LISTER has doped
him again.
4 Int. Sleeping quarters. Present.
LISTER is sitting at the table, reading. CAT is on the top bunk, sewing.
RIMMER enters.
RIMMER: Good book?
LISTER: Yeah, it's alright.
RIMMER: I didn't think you read.
LISTER: Not much, but this is good.
RIMMER: What is it?
LISTER: It's your diary.
RIMMER: WHAT!?
LISTER: I didn't know you sent secret love letters to Carol McCauley.
RIMMER: Lister, that is my private, personal, private diary; full of my
personal, private, personal things.
CAT: It's gone public.
RIMMER: I don't believe it! You've been reading that to the Cat?
CAT: Only the best bits!
LISTER: (reading) "Carol McCauley, your eyes are like two limpid pools in
the mornings."
RIMMER: Shut up.
LISTER: "Your hair is like a golden waterfall."
RIMMER: Shut up.
LISTER: "Plus, those tight skirts you wear make me really horny."
RIMMER: Lister, I order you to shut your face.
LISTER: It's no big deal, you know. You can read my diary.
RIMMER: Who'd want to read your diary? It's full of puerile nonsense
about Kristine Kochanski.
LISTER: Ah, So you've read my diary.
RIMMER: Yes, but at least I have the common decency to do it sneakily
behind your back.
CAT: He's right. That is definitely the decent thing to do!
LISTER: I'm doing it for a reason anyway. Look what I found in
Kochanski's quarters this morning.
RIMMER: So?
LISTER: Look at it!
RIMMER: It's a wedding photograph.
LISTER: Yeah, And who is the incredibly gorgeous hunky beefcake she is
marrying?
RIMMER: It's you! But you didn't marry Kochanski!
LISTER: Exactly! So how is this possible, unless somehow we go back in
time?
RIMMER: What's this got to do with my diary?
LISTER: It's this bit here about the mushrooms, isn't it. You see, when
you saw your head coming through the table, I don't think it was an
hallucination. I think you were seeing you, now, arriving back in the
past.
CAT: There's a wise old Cat saying which I think applies in this
situation. It goes: "What are you talking about, dog-breath?"
LISTER: Listen to what it said. It says; "The head came through the
table and said, `I'm from the future. I've come to save your life. We
found a stasis leak on floor sixteen.'" You see, I don't think it was
an hallucination.
CAT: What's a stasis leak?
Just then HOLLY appears on one of the monitors.
HOLLY: Alright, dudes. What's going down in groove town then?
LISTER: Alright, Hol. Listen, what's a stasis leak?
HOLLY: Um, well, very, very basically, putting it as simply as I can for
your average layman to comprehend, a stasis leak is a leak, right, _in
stasis_, hence the name "a stasis leak."
LISTER: You don't know, do you, Hol?
HOLLY: No, I don't.
LISTER: Well, I suggest we go down to floor sixteen and see what's there.
RIMMER: How come he never, ever knows anything? He's supposed to have an
I.Q. of six thousand!
HOLLY: Six thousand's not that much. It's only the same IQ as twelve
thousand car park attendants.
RIMMER: But you don't know anything.
HOLLY: Listen, I happen to be one of the sleekest, most sophisticated
computers ever devised by man. I'm the nearest thing you can get to
infullible.
LISTER: Infallible.
HOLLY: Exactly.
5 Int. Xpress lift.
A large, comfortable place, more like the interior of a plane than a
lift. On the walls, in English and Esperanto, is written "XPRESS LIFTS."
As they strap themselves in, LISTER gives their destination.
LISTER: Floor sixteen.
RIMMER: This is going to take ages.
A TV screen switches on to show the in-lift instructional video.
HOSTESS: (on video) Welcome to Xpress Lifts, descent to floor sixteen.
You will be going down two thousand, five hundred and sixty-seven
floors and, for a small extra charge, you can enjoy the in-lift movie
"Gone With the Wind." If you look to your right and to your left, you
will notice there are no exits. In the highly unlikely event of the
lift having to make a crash-landing, death is certain. Under your
seats you will find a cassette for recording your last-minute
testament, and from above your head a bag will drop containing
sedatives and cyanide capsules.
LISTER: I hate this stuff. It really freaks me out.
The video smiley holds up a cyanide capsule.
HOSTESS: To take the cyanide capsule, simply break open, like so,
(breaking it open) and place under the tongue.
The hostess places the cyanide capsule under her tongue then, with smile
fixed firmly in place, drops backwards out of shot, dead. The
instructional video ends, showing the XPRESS LIFTS logo.
6 Int. Xpress lift. 3 hours later.
The doors open at floor sixteen. LISTER emerges, followed by RIMMER and
CAT. They all appear to be suffering from extreme lift-lag. CAT looks
the worst: he reels out of the lift, clutching his stomach.
LIFT: Thank you for travelling Xpress Lifts. We apologise for the delay.
CAT: You should apologise for the chicken! First meal I ever had where
the container tasted better than the food!
7 Int. Level 16 corridor.
LISTER: This must be the stasis leak.
It's a blue, glowing hole in the wall, wreathed in cheap BBC special
effects white smoke. Cautiously, LISTER sticks his hand into it. His
hand vanishes. He pulls it back -- it emerges intact. He looks at the
others.
LISTER: Okay. Here we go.
He steps through the hole.
8 Int. Shower. Past.
He emerges in the men's shower room on the other side of the wall, but
three million years in the past. A digital clock above the wall mirrors
gives the date as being 22nd March 2077. He steps back through the hole
before any of the men shaving at the mirror can see him.
9 Int. Level 16 corridor. Present.
He beckons to RIMMER and CAT.
LISTER: It's safe. Come through.
10 Int. Shower. Past.
He steps back through the leak. RIMMER and CAT follow him. They all
emerge in the same shower cubicle.
CAT: (to RIMMER) What IS it?
RIMMER: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
CAT: (to LISTER) What IS it?
LISTER: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still.
So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked
into, and it's leaked into this room.
CAT: (to RIMMER) What IS it?
RIMMER: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws
of space and time don't apply.
CAT: (to LISTER) What IS it?
LISTER: It's a hole back into the past.
CAT: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?
LISTER: March the twenty-second. That's what -- three weeks before the
crew got wiped out.
A man, wanting to use the shower, finds three fully-clothed strangers
inside it.
MAN: Hi.
RIMMER: Hi.
CAT: Hi.
LISTER: Do you mind? This is the Annual General Meeting of the
Agrophobics' Society!
LISTER draws the shower curtains shut.
RIMMER: I wonder if we can bring anybody back?
LISTER looks around, then picks up a bar of soap. They step back through
the hole. LISTER opens his hand, to reveal a handful of three-million-
year-old dust.
LISTER: Not unless we want them to be turned into powder.
CAT: Who were you thinking of bringing back?
RIMMER: Me.
CAT looks at the handful of dust and smiles wickedly.
CAT: Let's do it!
11 Int. Sleeping quarters. Present.
RIMMER: What's the point in going, if you can't bring anybody back?
LISTER: You've seen the photograph. I'm going to marry her.
RIMMER: But what's the point? In three weeks you'll be radioactive dust!
You might as well marry a box of Daz.
LISTER: I'm gonna stay with her.
RIMMER: You're going to stay with her? For the sake of three weeks
together you're going to give up your life?
LISTER: Yeah.
RIMMER: (jumps out of his bunk) I don't believe it. Lister, selfish or
what?
LISTER: Why?
RIMMER: What about me? I've given you the best years of my death! Is
that it, then? Three years, thanks a lot, pal, I'm off. No sort of
regrets? Not so much as a lump in your throat? No, you're thinking of
Kochanski. The only lump you've got is up the front of your trousers.
LISTER: I'm going for it, Rimmer. If there's one thing I've learned,
it's that you don't get many shots at happiness. So when you do, go
for them all.
RIMMER: (sits on the edge of his bunk) I'm sharing a bunk with a
character out of a Barbara Cartland novel.
LISTER: What would you do in my place?
RIMMER: I don't know, I... oh, do what you like.
LISTER: Where are you coming from, Rimmer? You don't even like me.
RIMMER: Don't I?
LISTER: No.
RIMMER: Fine.
LISTER: You don't though, do you? You don't even like me.
RIMMER: That's what you think, is it?
LISTER: Yeah.
RIMMER: I will tell you something that will probably stun you rigid.
LISTER: What?
RIMMER: You're right. I don't like you. I don't like what you _stand_
for. But, for some weird reason... I don't know. What's the point?
(lies down on his bunk) Everything always goes wrong for me. I'm
probably the only person in the world to buy a Topic Bar without a
single hazelnut in it.
LISTER: It happens, you know, Rimmer. You meet people, then you move on,
man. When I was ten, I had a friend called Duncan. Me best mate ever.
He taught me everything. He was the one who showed me how to put
mirrors on me toecaps so I could look up girl's skirts. Then his
father had to move to Spain because of a job. It was a bank job he
pulled in Perlie. Never saw him again. I still think of him,
though... every time I look at me shoes.
RIMMER: Don't try and explain it, Lister. I don't know why I'm even
surprised. Everyone always leaves me in the end. Girls, parents... I
had a pet lemming once. I loved that little lemming. I built him a
little wall so he could hurl himself over it. He didn't want for
anything. I'll never forget one Christmas I put my finger in his cage
to give him some mince pie. He bit me! He sunk his teeth right into
my fingers and wouldn't let go. In the end I had to smash his brains
out against the wall. That little lemming broke my heart. The little
git completely ruined my helicopter wallpaper.
LISTER: You know, maybe there is a way to bring people back from the
past.
RIMMER: Oh, how?
LISTER: Well, there's a spare stasis booth, isn't there? We could bring
one person back if we could persuade them to go into suspended
animation.
RIMMER: They'd survive the accident.
LISTER: Yeah. And when we got back to now, we could bring them out and
bingo!
RIMMER: Brilliant! I could save my own life! I wouldn't be dead!
LISTER: Just think -- I could bring her back!
RIMMER: I could bring me back! There'd be two me's -- a dead me and a
living me -- one for the week and one for Sunday best.
LISTER: Hey! There's only room for one and that's Krissie!
RIMMER: Rimmsie!
12 Int. Sleeping quarters. Later.
LISTER is getting ready for the trip back in time. He has dug out his
old gear and packed a rucksack. CAT enters, looking as garish as ever in
a glittering silver tuxedo and silver shirt. He puts his hand over the
eyes on a Marilyn Monroe poster on the wall.
CAT: Aaaoooow! Don't look, baby, It'll drive you crazy! (to LISTER)
Hey, what do you think? You said "look inconspicuous."
LISTER tosses him a stained yellow pair of coveralls.
LISTER: Put this on.
CAT: What?
LISTER: You'll stand out a mile like that.
CAT: I wouldn't use this to buff my shoes!
LISTER: Look, you can't walk round a mining ship looking like a finalist
from "Come Jiving."
CAT: But then everyone will think I'm just an ordinary person!
LISTER: That's the point.
CAT: They won't look at me and say "Who's that guy? He's gorgeous!"
LISTER: Put it on.
CAT: Ugh. Well, maybe if I widen the lapels a bit, put in a couple of
spangels and sequins and shoulder-pads...
LISTER: Put it on!
CAT: Where's Alphabet-Head?
LISTER: Rimmer? He sneaked off last night. He's already back in the
past, trying to save his own worthless life.
LISTER breathes on the face of his watch and buffs it on his sleeve.
LISTER: (to his watch) You reading me, Hol?
On the face of LISTER's watch, instead of a dial or a digital display, is
a monitor screen on which HOLLY's face is displayed.
HOLLY: Eugh. I could see right down your gob.
LISTER: Let's go.
HOLLY: I don't like being a watch, dangling about all sideways and upside
down. And give me fair warning before you put your hand in your
pocket. Gave me such a fright last time, that huge liquorice allsort
covered in fluff.
LISTER: Oh, cheers, Hol.
LISTER pulls the aforementioned dirt-covered foodstuff from his pocket...
HOLLY: Oh, here we go again.
...and flips it in the air, catching it in his mouth.
LISTER: (to CAT) Put that on!
13 Int. Level 16 corridor.
Enter LISTER, followed by CAT, who is laughing with happy anticipation.
LISTER: Here it is, man. Just stick with me, okay? Okay.
They step through the leak.
14 Int. Shower. Past.
LISTER arrives first. There is a man in the shower, who looks rather
surprised at being interrupted.
LISTER: (improvising) Excuse me, did you order a kiss-o-gram?
The man shakes his head in mute astonishment, and LISTER slips away. A
few second later the man's shower is yet again interrupted, this time by
a prime example of Felis Sapiens.
CAT: Excuse me, did you see a short human with pigtails coming through
here?
LISTER: (Voice-Over, distant) Yo, Cat!
CAT, grateful, turns to go. As he does so, he glances downwards. He
looks back up at the hapless showerer.
CAT: Never mind. It's the personality that counts.
15 Int. Docking port corridor.
Two ladies with haavy suitcases have just been targeted by Olaf PETERSEN,
LISTER's long-time drinking buddy and Arnie Shwarzenegger look-alike. He
approaches them from behind.
PETERSEN: Felicitations, beautiful ladies. Back from planet-leave? Let
me take those heavy cases. My name is Olaf Petersen. I am very good
in bed.
As Olaf picks up the suitcases, LISTER and CAT emerge from a nearby lift.
PETERSEN: It is always an honour to carry the personal luggages of such
beautiful ladies.
Just then LISTER spots PETERSEN -- whom he hasn't seen for two years --
and rushes to greet him.
LISTER: Petersen!
PETERSEN: Oh, hi.
LISTER: Petersen, how are you, mate? I don't believe it, it's you! I've
missed you, you know. Give us a kiss, you smelly-arsed smegger.
He kisses PETERSEN.
PETERSEN: (horrified) He's just a friend!
LISTER: (ecstatic) I don't believe it -- it's really you!
PETERSEN: He hasn't seen me since breakfast!
LISTER: I'll see you later!
PETERSEN: (trying to salvage some cool) Sure.
LISTER: No, I promise. I'll come to your _room_ and see you.
PETERSEN: Lister, you DIE for this!
LISTER and CAT head off down the corridor.
LISTER: That was Petersen, an old mate o' mine. We were like _that_. I
never thought... I mean, just think, I'm gonna be able to see everybody
again.
He crosses his arms, sticking one hand in an armpit.
HOLLY: Oy, give us a break, Dave. It's like a tropical rain forest in
there.
LISTER: Sorry, Hol.
Just then two pretty girls pass by. CAT's reaction is predictable.
CAT: Waaaooow! I've never been this close to women before! It makes me
wanna do something. I don't know what it is, but I want to do a lot of
it!
They pass a vending machine. Two men are standing there, talking about a
recent meeting thet have had with CAPTAIN HOLLISTER.
PAST RIMMER: I didn't know it was his wife. I thought it was a publicity
shot for "Planet Of The Apes."
PAST LISTER: Two teas.
RIMMER: (covering his hologram mark with one hand as he squeezes past)
Excuse me.
PAST LISTER: (to PAST RIMMER) Listen, man, I'm sorry about those
mushrooms, you know. I mean, I didn't know... I'm not totally reckless
and irresponsible, for God's sake. I mean, when it comes down to it,
I'm a pretty straight and honest geezer.
16 Int. Sleeping quarters. Past.
RIMMER enters the bunk-room and hides under the table -- by sinking
through it. A few seconds later, LISTER and RIMMER, the past versions,
enter the room.
PAST RIMMER: Why didn't you tell the Captain this?
PAST LISTER: What? And get someone into trouble?
PAST RIMMER: Oh no? Eight weeks painting the smegging ship?
PAST LISTER: I'm sorry.
PAST RIMMER: Get the space-suits.
The past LISTER leaves. RIMMER decides to make his move.
RIMMER: I don't want you to panic, Arnold. I want you to stay absolutely
calm. I'm coming out in a moment, and I want you to keep your cool.
Are you ready? Here I come.
He rises his head above the table. His past self jumps.
RIMMER: I found a stasis leak on floor sixteen. I'm dead now, and you're
not, but if I save you, you won't die, so I won't die, and you won't be
dead either, and neither will I.
The RIMMER from the past peers suspiciously at his coffee, wondering if
LISTER has doped him again.
PAST RIMMER: I may as well tell you right away, I know what you are.
RIMMER: You do?
PAST RIMMER: You're a mushroom, arent you?
RIMMER: What?
PAST RIMMER: A hallucination. Go away.
RIMMER: No, look. I'm you from the future. I've come to warn you, in
three million years you'll be dead.
PAST RIMMER: Will I really?
RIMMER: Yes. unless you do something about it now.
PAST RIMMER: Well, what do you suggest, give up white bread? More
roughage!?
RIMMER: You're not listening! You've got to go into stasis.
PAST RIMMER: Go away!
RIMMER: I'll be back soon.
RIMMER sinks through the table, off to contemplate further ways to
persuade his past self of his danger.
PAST RIMMER: Stay calm. It's gone now.
He crosses to the sink and peers into the mirror, checking his eyes and
tongue for signs of illness. The captain enters, dressed as a chicken.
RIMMER stares at him incredulously, unsure of what he is seeing.
CAPTAIN: Rimmer.
PAST RIMMER: Now you've turned into a chicken!
CAPTAIN: Listen, I just want to apologise. We both got a little carried
away... I've been under a lot of pressure.
RIMMER, deciding to play this one fast and loose, turns around and
addresses what he thinks is a rampant mushroom-bogie.
PAST RIMMER: Go away.
CAPTAIN: Obviously, I shouldn't have given you PD, I just got a little
riled.
PAST RIMMER: Did you indeed? How sad for you, Captain Paxo!
CAPTAIN: What? Oh, oh this. (indicating chicken-suit) No, I've... this
is for the party tonight.
PAST RIMMER: Half man, half chicken... You don't scare me, because I know
what you are. (makes chicken noises) Buck buck buck buck!
RIMMER gives the CAPTAIN an eye-watering kick in the nuts. The CAPTAIN
doubles over with a groan of pain.
PAST RIMMER: Now kindly cluck off before I extract your giblets and shove
a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kissed with.
CAPTAIN: (apoplectic) Forget everything I've just said! You have got
eight months PD!
PAST RIMMER: Well, we have a bit of a problem here, don't we? 'Cos I
don't take orders from poultry.
CAPTAIN: No, Rimmer -- make that eight years!
PAST RIMMER: Fine. I'll make a note of that, shall I?
He picks up a brush and a bucketfull of paint, and writes on the chest of
the CAPTAIN's chickensuit, saying the words out loud as he does so:
PAST RIMMER: Eight ... years. There we go.
He then dashes the green paint in the captain's face.
17 Int. KOCHANSKI'S quarters.
Her room-mate opens the door, to find LISTER and CAT outside.
LISTER: Hi. Is Kristine in?
ROOMMATE: No, she's still on planet-leave.
LISTER: Smeg. Did she say where she was staying?
ROOMMATE: She said something about The Ganymede Holiday Inn.
LISTER: Cheers.
He dashes off. CAT grins at Krissie's room-mate, trying to think of a
decent chat-up line -- this, after all, is the first woman he has ever
come face to face with. LISTER interrupts his ruminations, first with a
come-hither gesture then, when that doesn't work, by yanking CAT out of
the doorway after him.
18 Int. Foyer of Ganymede Holiday Inn.
Plush, sumptuous and elegant. Apart from the robot at the reception
desk, it would appear to be an exact reproduction of the Manchester
Holiday Inn, circa 1988. LISTER and CAT approach the main desk. As
LISTER makes enquiries, CAT wanders off, staring at the sights in this
strange building. A suitcase on wheels approaches him from behind.
SUITCASE: Excuse me.
CAT looks around, bewildered.
SUITCASE: No, no. Down here.
CAT looks down.
SUITCASE: Have you seen a man who's lost his luggage, about 5 foot 10,
mousy hair?
CAT: No, I haven't.
SUITCASE: Oh, no. I bet they've sent him to the wrong bloody airport
again!
CAT stares as the suitcase rolls away. So distracted is he, he bumps
into a lady wearing a fox fur. CAT, seeing the fur, reacts instantly!
CAT: Aaargh! Dog! And he's trying to strangle that woman!
CAT grabs the a spray-bottle of mineral water from a passing robot
waiter, and starts attacking the fox fur. The flabbergasted woman,
believing herself to be under attack by a (tastefully dressed) madman,
flees. CAT shakes the piece of fur by the throat, then jumps up and down
on it.
CAT: Don't worry, madam -- his strangling days are over!
Just then LISTER arrives, holding a piece of paper with KOCHANSKI's room
number on it.
LISTER: Cat, I've got it. C'mon. Room 008. This way!
19 Int. Outside KOCHANSKI'S hotel room.
LISTER stops, stunned, staring at the flowers, the "Do Not Disturb" sign,
the plaque on the door -- "Honeymoon Suite," the two pairs ofp shoes
outside the door. The evidence is incontrivertible. A sad tune starts
playing in the background.
LISTER: She's already married.
He turns away, sickened and stunned. Then, a thought occurs to him.
LISTER: What about the photograph?
He pulls it out and examines it again.
LISTER: I'm not the groom. (pointing to another figure in the picture)
He is the groom!
CAT: Hey -- she's not as stupid as we thought!
LISTER: Why do women always leave me for total smegheads? Why do they
dump me for men who wear turtleneck sweaters and smoke a pipe? I mean,
natural yoghurt eaters! Reliable, sensible, dependable, and lots of
other words that end in "-ible." He's obsessed with house-prices, and
spends half his life in antique fairs looking for bargains and drinking
wine. It's never beer, is it, it's always wine! "What do you want on
your cornflakes, darling?" "Oh, I'll have some wine, please!" Smeg!
He leans against a wall, bitter and angry. CAT taps him on one shoulder.
CAT: You can tell all that, just from a photograph?
HOLLY: Oy, not your pockets! Dear oh dear, It's horrible down there.
There's a big hole. It's an unbelievable view. Reminds me of that
film -- "Attack Of The Killer Gooseberries."
LISTER: Come on, Hol. I'm broken up, man.
HOLLY: I was in love once -- a Sinclair ZX-81. People said, "No, Holly,
she's not for you." She was cheap, she was stupid and she wouldn't load
-- well, not for me, anyway.
LISTER: What are you trying to say, Hol?
HOLLY: What I'm saying, Dave, is that it's better to have loved and to
have lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
CAT: Why's that?
HOLLY: Anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia Newton-
John.
Just then, the door to the Honeymoon Suite opens and KOCHANSKI steps out.
KOCHANSKI: Oh, hi. It's you.
LISTER: (depressed) Oh. Hi.
KOCHANSKI: Come in.
LISTER: (panicky) No, no, we were just passin'.
KOCHANSKI: (amused) Come in.
LISTER: No, no, really, it's okay.
CAT decides to go in anyway.
LISTER: Cat! Come on, We've got to go!
20 Int. Honeymoon suite.
They enter the sumptuous suite. CAT is awed by all this luxury.
CAT: Aooooowww!
KOCHANSKI: I just got married. (showing off her wedding ring)
LISTER: Oh, great.
KOCHANSKI: He's in the shower.
LISTER: Oh.
KOCHANSKI: I think you'll really like him.
LISTER: Oh, I bet.
KOCHANSKI: (pouring cocktails) Do you want a screwdriver?
LISTER: I'd rather have a hammer.
Just then, the door to the shower opens and out steps... LISTER. Older,
bearded as in the photo, wearing a bathrobe, he greets his younger self
with a grin.
FUTURE LISTER: So how ya doin', kid?
LISTER: Smeg.
CAT: (popping up behind FUTURE LISTER and KOCHANSKI) What is this, a
meeting of the ugly convention?
LISTER: Where did you come from?
FUTURE LISTER: The bathroom. (he laughs) Well, you don't look very
pleased to see me.
LISTER: Well, quite frankly, I'm not. I mean, I came here today 'cos I
thought I was going to get married.
KOCHANSKI: And you did.
LISTER: No, he did!
KOCHANSKI: But he's you!
LISTER: No, I'm me.
KOCHANSKI: Well, who's he then?
LISTER: He's him...
CAT: (gesturing with a purloined leg of chicken) He's you and you're him,
and you're him and he's him -- am I still me? Who's eatin' this
chicken? What the hell is going on??
FUTURE LISTER: Look look look, listen: In five years time, you find
another way to come back in time.
LISTER: So it does work out?
KOCHANSKI: Eventually.
LISTER: So how about a frenchie from me future bride?
FUTURE LISTER: No way. On your space-bike.
He grabs LISTER and CAT and herds them towards the door. LISTER stops
him at the door and leans on the door jamb.
LISTER: So, listen. What do I do now?
FUTURE LISTER: Go back to where you came from and wait for five years.
LISTER: Have I always been such a smeg-head? Or did I change?
FUTURE LISTER: You've always been like that. Out.
LISTER: So, listen, man. You've lived my life for the last five years.
So, what's the single most important piece of advice that you can give
me?
FUTURE LISTER: (thinks hard) Erm. Oh, yeah. Three years from now,
you'll go through a cosmic storm and end up in a parallel universe.
You'll materialise on an exact replica of Earth in the year 1989.
You'll want to go to the theatre. Whatever you do, don't go and see
"Run For Your Wife."
He half shoves LISTER and CAT out the door, then leans on it and grins at
his bride.
LISTER: Smeg head.
FUTURE LISTER: (through the door) And you.
CAT holds up a pilferred bottle of wine. They both grin soundlessly.
21 Int. Sleeping quarters. Past.
An orderly wheels in RIMMER, who is strapped into a wheelchair and
dressed in hospital clothing -- a thin gown, socks and a plastic cap.
LISTER, still dressed in his space-suit, is fast asleep on his bunk.
PAST RIMMER: So, they won't come back again?
ORDERLY: Just stay calm, keep cool, and get some sleep.
PAST RIMMER: (seeing LISTER) There he is. Sleeping like a baby. I'm
going to get better, then I'm going to kill him.
The orderly unstraps RIMMER from the chair, then helps him over to his
bed.
ORDERLY: If you need anything, Call Holly.
The orderly leaves. RIMMER sits on the edge of his bunk, thoroughly
depressed. What's about to happen will not alleviate this state.
RIMMER: (VO, muffled) I don't want you to panic, Arnold, but I've had a
jolly good think, and I think I know how to explain this to you.
He sticks his head above the table. His past self stares at him with a
mixture of fear, shock and abject horror.
RIMMER: Hi.
PAST RIMMER: Hi. I'm staying calm this time.
He is not, although fighting valiantly for control.
RIMMER: Good.
Just then CAT and LISTER enter. The past RIMMER does a double take,
looking from the LISTER on the bunk to the one in the doorway.
LISTER: Yo, Rimmer, there you are. I've been looking everywhere.
RIMMER: Not now, Lister.
PAST RIMMER: (very tense) TWO Listers? And a strange man with large
teeth!
CAT: Hey, I'm a cat!
PAST RIMMER: (not a well man) Oh, of course you're a cat! Come in, sit
down, there's plenty of room.
Just then who should drop by but the just-married couple, LISTER and
KOCHANSKI.
FUTURE LISTER: Yo!
PAST RIMMER: (losing it fast) THREE Listers!! Splendid!!! Perhaps Lister
here would like to go over to the fridge and open a bottle of wine for
Lister and Lister!!!! Rimmer here doesn't drink, because he's dead, but
I wouldn't mind a glass!!!!!
VOICE: (RIMMER's voice) I don't want anyone to get into a flap here, but
I'm the RIMMER who's from the double-double future.
He rises from the dresser in the corner and steps forward. He is dressed
in a tux (He has, after all, just been to a wedding), and has a thin
mustache.
FUTURE RIMMER: I'm the Rimmer who's with the Lister who married
Kochanski. Now, from this point on, things get a little bit
confusing...
PAST RIMMER: (the calm before the storm) Please! Before anyone says
anything else, I'd just like to make a little speech. (flipping out
completely) GO AWAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
Close-up on RIMMER's mouth as he screams, and fade out.
The End
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Season 2 Episode 3 Thanks for the Memory.
RED DWARF Series II Episode 3, "Thanks for the Memory"
1 Ext. View of space.
HOLLY: (In space) Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red
Dwarf. Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive; Arnold
Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate; and a creature who evolved
from the ship's cat. Message ends.
(Reappearing) Additional: supplies are plentiful. We have enough food
and drink to last 30,000 years, although we have run out of Shake n'
Vac.
Additional additional: Last week we found a planet with a breathable
atmosphere.
2 Ext. Barren planet.
We see the surface of a bleak planet with a sun and stars in the
background and pan across it to where there appears to be a rock concert
in progress. LISTER and the CAT are playing and dancing exuberantly.
LISTER has a guitar and the skutters are playing on keyboards. RIMMER is
in a structure labelled "Hologrammatic Projection Cage" and seems to be
enjoying it.
HOLLY: We're grooving tonight! Ahead groove factor five. Yeah! (A
disco type light starts flashing under his monitor.)
LISTER: Hang on everybody, hang on!
LISTER stops playing and the music carries on. He goes to take a pan off
the fire and turns off the music.
LISTER: The sausages are done.
HOLLY: It's the business innit? It's nice to get out once in a while,
stretch your cables.
RIMMER: (Very slurred) I can't understand it. I've had so much to drink
and it hasn't even afflicted me. I'm not in the least bit tiddly.
LISTER: Oh yeah? Why are you dancing then?
CAT: Ha! You call that dancing? I've seen people on fire move better
than that!
HOLLY: We'd better be going. The moons'll be setting in a bit.
LISTER: Whoa, Whoa! OK then! A toast. (Raises cup.) Gentlemen, and
skutters, we are gathered here today to celebrate the anniversery of Mr
Arnold Rimmer's death.
RIMMER: (Belches and looks ill.) Right on baby.
LISTER: And for this very special occasion I have baked -- a cake.
LISTER uncovers the cake. It is covered in icing, with a candle in the
middle.
HOLLY: What's that then?
LISTER: It's in the shape of a spanner, Holly, cos he was a technician.
HOLLY: Well that's very apt that is. If he'd been a postman you'd have
baked it in the shape of an envelope I suppose?
LISTER: Yeah!
HOLLY: Gordon Bennett! It's lucky he's not a gynaecologist.
LISTER: To Rimmer! (Raises cup at arms length.)
RIMMER: To me!
RIMMER mimes drinking a glass of something and appears to get a kick from
it. They all start singing. RIMMER is a bit unsure of the words,
probably due to his state of inebriation.
ALL: Happy deathday to you! happy deathday to you! Happy deathday, dear
Rimmer! Happy deathday to you!
Back in one of the Blue Midgets, LISTER is trying to get it moving.
ALL: (Singing) Show me the way to go home. I'm tired and I want to go to
bed...
We see them from the outside flying off into space towards RED DWARF.
RIMMER: Are you sure you're alright to drive this?
LISTER: Yeah. (Suddenly sliping it into reverse) Oops!
ALL: I had a little drink about an hour ago to celebrate Rimmer's death.
(Breakdown into laughter.)
3 Int. Sleeping quarters.
The crew is now back on RED DWARF. RIMMER is sprawled out on his bunk
and LISTER is doing a jigsaw.
LISTER: What time is it?
RIMMER crawls unsteadily to the clock and peers at it blearily. He is
clearly suffering the awful after-effects of drinking.
RIMMER: Saturday.
LISTER: Is that the best you can do?
RIMMER: There are some numbers next to it, but they could be anything.
LISTER: Do you know what I fancy right now?
RIMMER: A big, fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's.
LISTER: No, I want a triple fried egg butty with chili sauce and chutney.
RIMMER: (Managing to sit down in a chair.) Me too.
LISTER: Well no problem then. Nothing's too good for the deathday boy.
RIMMER: Correct! (Punches air.)
LISTER: Hol, Hol!
HOLLY appears on screen with a nightcap on.
LISTER: Hol, give us something to eat.
HOLLY: You what? I'm jiggered man.
LISTER: Oh come on. You don't sleep.
HOLLY: Course I do. I've got to offline. I can't keep up my full tilt,
full power, red hot, maximum pace all the time. I've got to take the
odd breather, haven't I?
RIMMER: I want a triple fried egg sandwich with ...
LISTER: With chili sauce and chutney.
HOLLY: You what?
LISTER: It's a state of the art sarny.
HOLLY: It's the state of the floor I'm worried about. Alright, OK.
RIMMER holds up his hand and the much discussed food item appears in it.
LISTER: Wow, trust me!
RIMMER takes a bite and a succession of expressions are seen on his face.
He ends up at something like a mixture of pain, horror and shock. He may
be drunk but he's still got pain receptors.
RIMMER: I feel like I'm having a baby!
LISTER: It's good innit?
RIMMER: It's incredible. Where did you get the recipe from?
LISTER: I can't remember. I think it was a book on bacteriological
warfare.
RIMMER: It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.
LISTER: (Nodding) It's well naughty. The trouble is you've got to eat it
before the bread dissolves.
RIMMER: I could never invent a sandwich like this, Lister. You see all
the ingredients are wrong. The fried eggs: wrong; the chutney:
wrong. The chili sauce: all wrong. But put them together and somehow
it works. It becomes right. It's you -- this sandwich, Lister, is
you.
LISTER: What are you saying to me, Rimmer?
RIMMER: You're wrong, right? All your ingredients are wrong. You're
slobby, you've got no sense of discipline, you're the only man ever to
get his money back from the Odour Eater people, but people like you,
don't you see? That's why you're a fried egg, chili, chutney sandwich.
Now me ... now me ... All the ingredients are right. I'm disciplined,
I'm organised, I'm dedicated to my career, I've always got a pen.
Result? Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's parrot.
And that's only because we haven't got one. Why? Why is that?
LISTER: I suppose it's because you ARE a total smeghead.
RIMMER: But I'm not! I'm a nice guy -- I'm a goodie.
LISTER: No, Rimmer, see the trouble is you've never got time for people.
You're too busy trying to be successful. It's all midnight revision
and up, up, up the ziggurat lickety spit. (Salutes in a silly way.)
RIMMER: I have got time for people. What about all the time I spent
licking up to Todhunter even though he was a total gimp? And Captain
Hollister? Mr fat bastard 2044. I went out of my way to simp around
him.
LISTER: Rimmer, that's not having time for people.
During the following exchange they speak faster and end up both speaking
at the same time until LISTER interjects forcefully.
RIMMER: Do you know how many times in my entire life I made love?
LISTER: No, and I don't want to know.
RIMMER: I want to tell you.
LISTER: I don't want to know.
RIMMER: No, but I want to tell you.
LISTER: No, I don't want to know.
RIMMER: I want to tell you. I'm going... I am going to tell you. I want
to tell you.
LISTER: (Forcefully) Listen! Listen, Rimmer. If you tell me, right,
you'll wake up in the morning. You'll have your hang over and you'll
feel like death and you'll walk up to the mirror and you'll look in the
mirror and you'll remember and you'll go, "Ahahahahah!!" (Sticks his
fist in his mouth.) See it's not worth it, I don't want to know and
believe me you don't want to tell me.
RIMMER: (Holds up one finger.) Once.
LISTER: Smeg!
RIMMER: One time only.
LISTER: (With ears covered) Don't tell me this, Rimmer. You'll want to
kill yourself in the morning.
RIMMER: Yvonne McGruder. A single, brief liason with the ship's female
boxing champion. March the sixteenth, seven thirty one PM to seven
forty three PM.
LISTER: Please.
RIMMER: Twelve minutes.
LISTER: (Losing patience) Please!
RIMMER: And that includes the time it took to eat the pizza.
LISTER: Please, Rimmer!
RIMMER: In my entire life I have spent more time being sick.
LISTER: So, I mean, you haven't met the right girl yet.
RIMMER: (With overdone sarcasm) No, I haven't, Lister. I haven't met the
right girl and some just might say, (wags finger) given the fact that
the human race no longer exists, coupled with the fact that I have
passed on, some just might say that I'm leaving it a little bit on the
late side.
LISTER: Well you made a decision, didn't you? I mean you chose your
career over your personal life.
RIMMER: Yes, I did. I did, didn't I? Pearls of wisdom there from Mr
fried egg, chili, chutney, sandwich face. (Seriously) Well, I'll tell
you something, Lister. I'll tell you something. I'd trade it all in
-- all of it. My pips, my long-service medals, my swimming
certificates, my telescope, my shoe trees. I'd trade everything in to
be loved and to have been loved.
LISTER is still fiddling with the jigsaw but it's obvious that RIMMER's
speech has touched a chord.
RIMMER: (Starts singing in a reedy voice in a pathetic kind of way) I'm a
little lamb, lost in the wood, maybe I could, really be good, with
someone to watch over me.
RIMMER goes and lies down on his bunk. LISTER watches him.
RIMMER: That was going to be our song. But I never found anyone to share
it with. So now it's just MY song.
LISTER: (Fiddling with jigsaw) Another bit of sky, that's a star.
RIMMER starts making high pitched crying type noises. LISTER gets up and
leaves.
4 Ext. Red Dwarf. Establishing.
5 Int. Sleeping quarters. The next morning.
LISTER is asleep in the top bunk. We descend to see RIMMER, in his "home
sweet home" pajamas, wake up. RIMMER gets up and start doing his
exercises to music provided by himself. Suddenly, memories of the
previous night come flooding back. He sees a picture of him drinking,
but carries on exercising. He sees himself eating the sandwich and
shrugs. He then remembers talking with LISTER: he stops, raises one
finger and sticks his fist in his mouth. He sits back down on the bunk
with an anguished look.
LISTER: Ah, me foot! I must have gone to sleep on it! Oooh!
RIMMER: (Jumps up) Gah! you were really putting it away last night,
Lister. You really fell for my joke, didn't you?
LISTER: Oh god, it's agony!
RIMMER: Ah, that McGruder gag -- fancy falling for that, eh? (Pause)
I'll give you my telescope, anything. Please god, don't tell anyone.
LISTER groans and pulls away the blanket. He discovers that his foot is
in plaster. They both look shocked.
LISTER: Have you done that?
RIMMER: When did you do that?
LISTER: I didn't! I just went to bed and I've woken up with this.
RIMMER: When did you finish the jigsaw?
LISTER: I didn't.
HOLLY comes on the screen looking a bit cross.
HOLLY: Oi. Whose been messing with my star charts! Here I am trying to
do the comprehensive, nay, definitive A-Z of the entire universe with
street names, post offices, and little steeples and everything and some
git's been fiddling with it.
LISTER: It's not us!
The CAT storms in.
CAT: OK, which one of you chimpanzees did this?
CAT puts a foot on the table and points at it. It is also in plaster.
HOLLY: Look there's a perfectly logical explanation for everything. With
the possible exception of little Jimmy Osmond.
RIMMER: Who?
LISTER: Hang on, today's Sunday, right?
RIMMER: So?
LISTER: Well, this clock; this clock says, "Thursday," and that clock
says, "Thursday."
CAT: And my foot says, "Get the person who did this to my foot."
LISTER: (Looks through a book) Four pages have been torn out of my diary.
RIMMER snaps his fingers and points around the room.
RIMMER: Somehow we've lost the last four days.
CAT: Did you look behind the fridge? If you lose something it's nearly
always there.
RIMMER: Aliens!
LISTER: What?
CAT: What are you talking about, grease stain?
RIMMER: It's a well documented phenomenon. They kidnap you, give you a
mind probe, erase your memory, and put you back.
LISTER: OK, aliens came aboard.
RIMMER: Without question.
LISTER: They broke my leg.
RIMMER: For some reason.
CAT: They broke MY leg.
RIMMER: Right.
HOLLY: And then they did a jigsaw.
RIMMER: Right.
HOLLY: Well, that's cleared that up then.
RIMMER: Look, you're not thinking alien. That's what aliens are: alien.
They do alien things. Things that are... (shrugs) alien. Maybe this
is the way they communicate.
CAT: By breaking legs?
LISTER: And doing jigsaws?
RIMMER: Why should they speak the way we do? They're aliens.
LISTER: OK, professor, what does it mean?
RIMMER: Maybe, maybe, OK? Breaking your leg hurts like hell, OK? "Hel."
They do it below the knee, "lo." "Hel-lo," gettit? They do it twice --
twice, "two." "Hello two." And the jigsaw must mean "you." "Hello to
you."
CAT: I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a
speech! (He limps out.)
LISTER: Hang on -- the black box. Holly, the black box will have
recorded everything won't it?
HOLLY: Yeah, hang on -- I'll fish it out. (His image disappears briefly
and reappears.) It's gone! It's been half-inched. Wait a minute let
me think about this. It gives off a signal. We can trace it.
6 Ext. Model shot.
Pan past the Blue Midget, making a funny noise.
7 Int. Blue Midget.
We go inside to join RIMMER, LISTER and the CAT.
LISTER: It's the gearbox, man. I'm telling you.
RIMMER: Nothing yet.
LISTER: This is impossible. It could be anywhere. It's like trying to
find a fart in a jacuzzi.
RIMMER: Look! Down there on that moon.
They stare at the screen.
8 Ext. Barren planet.
We draw in closer to a bleak landscape. We see LISTER and the CAT
walking on it.
LISTER: Are you getting a picture now?
RIMMER: Yeah but the quality's terrible. It's like watching Spanish
television.
LISTER: Oh my god!
CAT: What the hell is that?
LISTER: Smegorama!
Err, HOLLY! Errm, start the engines, warm her up. Keep her ticking
over, yeah?
RIMMER: Err, what is it?
LISTER: It's a footprint the size of a surfboard.
CAT: (Measuring it out.) I don't believe the size of these feet. Can you
imagine the problems this guy must have trying to get fashionable
shoes?
LISTER: I wonder if it's true what they about the size of your feet? I
mean, if it is this guy could probably go to a fancy dress party as a
petrol pump.
RIMMER: I think you should come back.
LISTER: There's more of them. They lead round this corner.
RIMMER: So, a surfboard-foot sized monster came aboard, did a jigsaw,
drained our memories and broke a couple of legs. So what? "Forgive
and forget" is what I say.
LISTER: This I don't believe! It's a gravestone. (Reading it) "To the
memory..." (trying to make it out) "To the memory of Lise Yates."
RIMMER: Who's Lise Yates?
LISTER: You're not going to believe this, but I used to go out with a
girl called Lise Yates. It's only shallow, the black box is buried in
the grave. (He picks it up.)
9 Int. Blue Midget.
They open the box and remove the recording.
HOLLY: Right, it's loaded.
LISTER: Well play it, sam.
The words "Black Box Recording, Jupiter Mining Corporation Ship Red
Dwarf" come on screen followed by HOLLY.
HOLLY: Nice looking bloke.
TAPE: I don't know whether anyone will ever find this, but if they do and
it's you Dave, or you Arnold, don't ever play it. Some things are best
left buried.
LISTER: Why have you frozen him, Hol?
HOLLY: You heard what he said. Knows what he's talking about, that dude.
LISTER: Come on, Hol, from Saturday night.
HOLLY plays the recording and RIMMER appears telling LISTER how many
times in his life he's made love. The CAT looks interested.
RIMMER: Yes, well we all remember this bit. Spin on, spin on, spin on!
The recording goes into fast forward. The CAT is disappointed. He
signals to LISTER behind RIMMER's back.
CAT: (Silently) How many?
LISTER: (Silently, pointing at RIMMER) Him?
CAT: (Silently) Yes!
LISTER: (Silently) No, no.
The CAT makes a "Tell me" kind of gesture. LISTER laughs and holds up
one finger. So does the CAT and points at RIMMER who is oblivious of the
whole thing, he's staring at the screen.
CAT: (Silently) Him. (Loudly) That Many?
LISTER and the CAT look busy with the controls as RIMMER turns to glare
at them. The recording has reached the point where RIMMER is making sad
noises, just after his singing. On screen we see LISTER leave.
10 Int. Red Dwarf corridor. We are now in flashback mode. The flashing word
REPLAY appears at the top right of the screen. We see LISTER walking down
a corridor towards camera with the CAT who has a hair net on.
CAT: This better be good. I was sleeping, and sleeping's my third
favourite thing! And you come and wake me up this time of night.
They walk into a square room with wall to wall monitors, on which various
pictures of Arnie can be seen. A sign on the door reads, "No
unauthorised entry."
CAT: What is this place?
LISTER: It's the hologram simulation suite. This is the room that
creates Rimmer.
CAT: Have we come to blow this room up?
LISTER: Look, those are his dreams and everything there. (Fiddles with
controls.) Look, that's what he's dreaming right at the moment.
We see RIMMER in a top hat and dinner jacket carrying a cane and singing
the song he sang earlier. We pull back to see he has no trousers on.
The watchers laugh.
LISTER: I'm going to give Rimmer the best present he will ever get.
LISTER takes of his hat and puts on a helmet connected to the console by
a wire. He starts typing at the console and sees the word LOADING come
up on the screen.
CAT: What are you doing with that?
LISTER: I'm recording my memory.
CAT: Your entire memory?
LISTER: Yeah, everything. Everywhere I've been, everything I've learnt,
my entire knowledge. (The words LOADING COMPLETE come up almost
instantly.) Right, that's it. (He takes off the helmet.) I'm going to
give Rimmer a love affair. I'm going to take eight months out of my
memory and I'm going to paste it into his. So everything that's
happened to me he's going to think happened to him.
CAT: You're going to give him one of your old girlfriends?
LISTER: I'm going to give him Lise Yates.
LISTER presses more keys and they stare at the screen. LISTER covers the
CAT's eyes but he takes the hand away. A rather pretty woman is on
screen running and laughing. She dives to the ground.
YATES: God, I love you Dave, I love you so much.
LISTER: (On memory recording) And I love you Lise.
LISTER: A few minor adjustments. (Presses some keys and the scene
replays.)
YATES: God, I love you Rimmer, I love you so much.
LISTER: (On memory recording) And I love you Lise.
LISTER: Change the voice. (Presses more keys and we see it again.)
YATES: God, I love you Rimmer, I love you so much.
RIMMER: (On memory recording) And I love you Lise.
LISTER: And that's it.
CAT: And when he wakes up he'll think all this happened to him?
LISTER: Yeah, the whole eight months.
CAT: Man, that's a fine present. (LISTER nods.) He was probably only
expecting a tie.
LISTER keeps keying, we see RIMMER asleep and enter his dreams via a
heart shaped zoom. He is walking with Lise, drinking from a beer can and
smoking. He looks a real slob. RIMMER wakes, looking happy. He goes to
sleep again.
Some time later LISTER hears music, jumps in the air, and clicks his
heels. He walks into the room to see RIMMER dancing to the music.
LISTER: You're in a good mood.
RIMMER: Why not Listy? When life's so good? (He makes A-OK sign and
snaps his fingers.)
RIMMER seems to have changed somehow. He seems more normal and less like
the RIMMER we all know. For one thing his shirt is crumpled and
unbuttoned. He seems relaxed and confident.
LISTER: Why is life so good? (Opens a beer.)
RIMMER: (Lying on bunk) You wouldn't understand, Lister, you've never
been in love.
LISTER: I have!
RIMMER: Oh, not real love, Lister, not like I have. Not fireworks-in-
the-sky, from-here-to-eternity, rolling-naked-on-the-beach kind of
love. Not like me and Lise.
LISTER: So, who's Lise? (Smiles to himself.)
RIMMER: Never you mind, Lister. Someone who was absolutely nuts about
me, that's all you need to know.
LISTER: Fine, if you want to keep it to yourself.
RIMMER: All I'm saying is, from now on call me "Tiger." (Growls.)
LISTER: An old girlfriend, was she? Tiger.
RIMMER: (Gets up.) What a crazy, crazy year that was. The first three
months I was at Saturn Tech doing a maintenance course. Then for
absolutely no reason I suddenly moved to Liverpool. I drank too much,
I smoked too much, I became a total slob. I met Lise, of course. I
even started to eat my own toenail clippings.
Behind him LISTER is doing this as RIMMER speaks, but doesn't seem to
notice.
RIMMER: My tastes in music radically changed. I stopped adoring
Mantovani and got into Rastabilly Skank. Crazy!
LISTER: Well, you know, you were in love. You go a bit crazy.
RIMMER: It was weird. I was absolutely nuts about her but yet I started
to treat her really badly.
LISTER: No you didn't!
RIMMER: I did! I started to give her some wishy washy twaddle about not
wanting to get tied down.
LISTER: But you were young! You didn't want to settle down. You wanted
to bum around and have a laugh.
RIMMER: But I hate bumming around and having a laugh.
LISTER: But that's what you're like when you're young.
RIMMER: But I wasn't like that when I was young, so why did I say those
things?
LISTER: But, I mean, she wanted you to have a career. (Spits out the
word career.)
RIMMER: That's what I'd always dreamt of, so why did I finish it with
her?
LISTER: Because, you wanted to play the field.
RIMMER: That's right. I told her I wanted to play the field.
(Wistfully) I told her that. I must have been mad. She was great and
she thought I was great.
LISTER: (With a strange look) Yeah, man, you're right. You were mad.
RIMMER: She was a lover and a friend.
LISTER: And beautiful.
RIMMER: Gorgeous.
LISTER: Great sense of humour.
RIMMER: Terrific.
LISTER: The sex was fantastic.
RIMMER: Amazing sex.
LISTER: Brilliant sex.
RIMMER: Oh, primo dynamite sex!
LISTER: Fantastic sex! Stupendous sex!
RIMMER: Lister!
LISTER: The way she used to-- Oh...
RIMMER: Lister!
LISTER: Oh, sex. Brilliant sex.
RIMMER: Lister, Lister! How do you know?
LISTER: I'm just having a guess.
11 Int. Blue Midget.
We come out of flashback. The crew are watching the recording.
RIMMER: (On the tape) Kindly don't. No one will ever know how beautiful
the relationship between me and Lise Yates was.
RIMMER: How could you do this to me? It's the most heart breakingly
tragic thing it's ever been my misfortune to witness.
CAT: Popcorn? (Offers it to RIMMER who declines but LISTER takes some.)
LISTER: Look, I'm sorry, man. I mean, obviously I thought I was doing
you a favour.
HOLLY: (Appearing on a monitor) What's all this got to do with jigsaws,
broken legs, and Godzilla-size footprints, eh?
LISTER shakes his head in bewilderment.
12 Int. Red Dwarf corridor.
We go into flashback again. The word REPLAY appears on screen as it did
last time. On the recording we see RIMMER striding angrily down a
corridor punching the air. He walks into the room where LISTER is again
working on the jigsaw.
RIMMER: Right, smeg brain, prepare to die!
LISTER: Eh?
RIMMER: I found the letters.
LISTER: What letters?
RIMMER: Don't give me "What letters?" The letters.
LISTER: WHAT letters?
RIMMER: You went out with Lise Yates too. I found the letters she sent
you.
LISTER: Oh, smeg!
RIMMER: All the time she was going out with me she must have been seeing
you as well, behind my back. And what is more, to pour salt into the
wound, you used to take her to the exact same places I used to take her
and do the exact same things.
LISTER: Rimmer, it's not what it looks like.
RIMMER: That woman is unbelievable. We spent a night in a hotel in
Southport and made love six times. According to her letter you were in
the exact same hotel and you made love six times too.
LISTER: Listen.
RIMMER: Twelve times a night? What is wrong with the woman? She's sex
mad!
LISTER: Listen!
RIMMER: It's a good job you were there. If I'd been on my own I'd have
been dead within a week. But it doesn't make sense. I mean, she loved
me.
LISTER: Listen, listen. She wasn't going out with us both at the same
time.
RIMMER: Come on, I've checked the dates.
LISTER: She wasn't going out with you at all.
RIMMER: She ... She didn't go out with me at all?
LISTER: No, you've never even met her.
RIMMER: Is that the best you can do, Lister? That's below feeble.
LISTER: I went down to the hologram simulation suite and I gave you eight
months of my memory.
RIMMER: What?
LISTER: It was a present.
RIMMER: You gave me eight months of your memory, as a present?
LISTER: (Nodding) Yeah.
RIMMER: That's why I was an orphan, even though my parents were alive.
That's why I had my appendix out ... twice.
LISTER: I thought it was what you needed.
RIMMER: You've destroyed me, Lister. The woman I loved most in the whole
world didn't love me, she loved you.
LISTER: Rimmer, listen. (RIMMER leaves silently.) Rimmer, listen.
Rimmer! Oh Smeg! (He goes to sit down at the jigsaw looking upset.)
CAT: You should have bought him a tie.
13 Int. Observation dome.
RIMMER is standing alone in the observation dome, staring into space.
LISTER climbs the stairs to join him.
LISTER: Come on, Rimmer, you've experienced love. It made you more
confident, more secure.
RIMMER: It didn't happen. I never even met her.
LISTER: It did happen. I mean, you fell in love with her in a way I
never did. She's yours now and nothing can take her away from you.
RIMMER: That time she stuck her tongue down my ear. It wasn't my ear at
all -- it was your ear. The woman I loved most in the whole world had
her tongue down your ear. The most romantic thing I've ever had down
my ear is a Johnson's baby bud.
LISTER: Come on, as far as you're concerned you had a love affair, right?
Which was wonderful, yeah? And for some reason that you can't
understand it all went hideously wrong. Well, so what? Join the club,
bucko. It's just you, me, and everybody else in the world.
RIMMER: I don't want to feel like this any more.
LISTER: So, so you're in pain, yeah? I know, but Rimmer, if you go
through life without feeling, if you go through life never
experiencing, you're no better than a jellyfish. No better than a bank
manager.
RIMMER: I don't want this feeling any more. I want my own memory back.
LISTER: OK, OK, OK. I'll erase the last four days. The incident will
never have happened.
RIMMER: But you'll know about it!
LISTER: Well I'll erase my memory from Sunday too.
RIMMER: And the Cat's and Holly's.
LISTER: Fine, if they agree.
RIMMER: And what about the black box.
LISTER: (Sighs.) I'll destroy it.
RIMMER: It's indestructible.
LISTER: OK, I'll shoot it off into space.
RIMMER: Someone might find it.
LISTER: OK, OK. We'll bury it. We'll bury it on some planet, yeah?
14 Ext. Barren planet.
The same bleak landscape as before appears before us. We see the black
box buried in its shallow grave. RIMMER is watching as LISTER and the
CAT carry a large slab.
LISTER: I'm going to drop it, I'm going to drop it! Put it down man, put
it down! (They drop the stone heavily.)
CAT: Why does he want a grave stone?
LISTER: He said he just wanted something somewhere. So it didn't, like,
disappear.
They pick up the stone again and carry it on a bit. The crater it left
behind looks rather like a footprint. After a short time they drop it
again and this time it lands on their feet.
LISTER: Aaaagggghh! My foot! I've broken my foot! It's broken!
CAT: Help me find my toes.
15 Ext. Blue Midget.
Jetting back to RED DWARF.
16 Int. Sleeping Quarters.
We are still in flashback. RIMMER is lying on the bunk. LISTER and the
CAT enter. LISTER looks tired.
LISTER: OK, that's it. (He picks up his diary and tears out some pages.)
Let's go and erase our memories.
They all troop out, or limp out in some cases. LISTER stops and puts the
final piece into the jigsaw. The picture is of the RED DWARF in space.
We zoom into it.
The End
Credits:
Rimmer Chris Barrie
Lister Craig Charles
Cat Danny John-Jules
Holly Norman Lovett
With:
Lise Yates Sabra Williams
Written By Rob Grant
Doug Naylor
Music Howard Goodall
Graphic Designer Mark Allen
Unit Manager Kelvin Jones
Associate Producer Ann Zahl
OB Lighting David Parker
Vision Supervisor John Battye
Technical Coordinator Andrew Cowley
Camera Supervisor Melvyn Cross
Vision Mixer Jill Dornan
Prop Buyer Mike Fallon
Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg
Videotape Editor Ed Wooden
Production Team Helen Campbell
Kate Preston
Assistant Floor Manager Dona DiStefano
Production Assistant Anna Staniland
Production Manager Mike Agnew
Costume Designer Jacki Pinks
Make-Up Designer Bethan Jones
Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington
Lighting Director John Pomfrey
Designer Paul Montague
Executive Producer Paul Jackson
Produced and Directed By Ed Bye
Season 2 Episode 2 Better Than Life
RED DWARF Series II Episode 2, "Better Than Life"
1 Ext. View of space.
HOLLY: (In space) Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red
Dwarf. Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive; Arnold
Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate; and a creature who evolved
from the ship's cat. Message ends.
(Reappearing) Additional: Loneliness weighs heavily on us all.
Personally the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we
are over sixty billion miles away from the nearest Berni Inn.
2 Ext. Red Dwarf.
A rocket powered metal cylinder approaches RED DWARF from the depths of
space. Cut to inside where LISTER has a medical problem. He is holding
a bottle of liquid to help a bad stomach.
LISTER: (Reading the bottle) "For a mild stomach upset take one
teaspoonful. For acute indigestion take two."
LISTER considers, takes the spoon out of his mouth and throws it away.
Then he empties most of the bottle into a glass and starts gulping it.
RIMMER enters, dressed as a chef.
RIMMER: Well, a highly enjoyable meal all round. Obviously you can't
expect perfection first time but I was quite delighted with the way my
dumplings went down.
LISTER: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they're properly
cooked to perfection, proper dumplings, should not bounce.
RIMMER: True, but compared to what I thought they were going to be like
they were quite superb.
LISTER: So how's the Cat?
RIMMER: He's just sleeping off the stomach pump. He'll be alright. The
lamb was a bit of a flop though.
LISTER: The lamb? Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese and that
lemon meringue pie, man, what was in that?
RIMMER: I thought you liked that, you brought some back.
LISTER: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot.
RIMMER: It's not easy, Lister, cooking. When you're dead, when you don't
exist, when you're made entirely of light.
LISTER: That's your excuse for everything isn't it -- being dead?
RIMMER: I'm just trying to rehabilitate myself, trying to do the
everyday, normal things that most living people take for granted.
LISTER: You've got the skutters to help you.
RIMMER: What? Pinky and smeggy Perky? What use are they? It's like
giving Blind Pew contact lenses.
LISTER: They only do what you tell them to.
RIMMER: Ah, but they don't do they? You say, "Keep an eye on that lamb,"
and they do. They sit there for three hours and watch it burn.
LISTER: So. They've got no emotion have they? It's not built into their
software.
RIMMER: Have you seen their broom cupboard? it's full of pin-ups of John
Wayne. That cannot be right can it? (Indicating shoulder height)
Piled this high with Film Fun magazines. It's not the way spanners
behave in my book.
HOLLY appears on the screen and breaks in.
HOLLY: Oi. What's happening dudes?
LISTER: Hi, Hol.
HOLLY: Guess what?
RIMMER: What?
HOLLY: Go on, have a guess.
RIMMER: What is it vaguely about?
HOLLY: No clues, just have a guess.
RIMMER and LISTER look exasperated. LISTER covers his face.
HOLLY: I knew you wouldn't get it. Post pod's arrived.
RIMMER: What, the mail?
HOLLY: It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now we've turned round
it's caught up.
LISTER: Do you mean it's taken 3 million years.
HOLLY: Yeah, that's about average for second class post.
3 Int. Corridor.
The skutters are racing around the corridors. One is wearing an Indian
headdress and is being chased by another in a cowboy hat firing a gun.
LISTER and RIMMER walk past.
RIMMER: See what I mean? (Makes Indian warcry.)
4 Int. Mail room.
The pod has been opened. Piles and piles of mail are lying around. The
arm of a skutter takes one from the John Wayne fan club addressed to "The
Skutters, Red Dwarf, Deep Space, RE1 3DW" and disappears.
RIMMER: There's everything here, all the mail, entertainment cassettes, a
new batch of movies.
LISTER: Oh! The new Friday the 13th movie -- Friday the 13th part one
thousand six hundred and forty nine.
RIMMER: Look, Cassablanca! They've re-made Cassablanca!
LISTER: Philistines. I mean how can you re-make Cassablanca? The one
starring Myra Dinglebat and Peter Beardsley was definitive.
HOLLY: I saw that one -- knockout! "Of all the space bars on all the
worlds you had to re-materialise in mine."
RIMMER: Look, a cassette of a whole year of Earth news here.
LISTER: And two seasons of zero gee football. I'll see you in the
spring. (Gets up to leave.)
RIMMER: Ah ah ah ah. What are total immersion video games?
LISTER: Where? Oh these are brilliant. (Picks up canister.) You can't
get hold of these for love nor money! These are like Venus's arms.
These are like Brooke Shield's buttocks.
RIMMER: What are they?
LISTER: Well they're computer games aren't they? But electrodes are
inserted into your frontal lobes and hypothalamus right? So you
actually feel as though you're really, really there. Yessssss.
RIMMER: (Dismissively) Fine. Holly there's something here for you. It's
a video letter.
HOLLY: Bung it on.
LISTER inserts the cassette and a face, somewhat similar to HOLLY's,
appears on the monitor. Except that this one wears glasses.
HOLLY: Strike a light, it's Gordon.
RIMMER: Who's Gordon?
HOLLY: He's the eleventh generation AI computer aboard the Scott
Fitzgerald. He's got an IQ of eight thousand.
GORDON: Alright, Hol? (The voice belies the IQ estimate.) It-- It's
Gordon.
HOLLY: Awesome, his intellect, I'll tell you.
GORDON: I'm just sending on the latest move in our chess game. My move
is Pawn, right -- that's the little knobbly ones down the front -- Pawn
to King four. Your move. Well, I'd better sign off now. See you,
Hol. Bye. (Waits some time and the image still remains on screen.)
How do you turn this off then?
LISTER: (Turning off GORDON) You were playing postal chess with him were
you?
HOLLY: Well. A chance to lock horns with an intellect of that calibre
I'd be a fool not to. Pawn to King four eh? He's a sly one.
LISTER: So who's winning Hol?
HOLLY: Well, he is really. That was the first move.
5 Ext. Red Dwarf. Establishing shot.
6 Int. Mail room.
LISTER is sorting out the newly delivered mail.
LISTER: Me. Me. Me. You. Me.
RIMMER: It's all junk mail yours, you know.
LISTER: Me. Me. Me.
RIMMER: You send off for every bit of rubbish going, you do. Just so
you'll have some mail to open.
LISTER: Me. Me.
RIMMER: (Silly voice) Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit.
Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound
mammals. Yes I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't.
LISTER: Me. Me. Smeg! "Outland Revenue."
RIMMER: (Sucks in breath and becomes very cheerful.) Oh oh oh oh,
"Outland Revenue."
LISTER: Eight thousand five hundred?
RIMMER: Eight thousand five hundred? (Happily) That's a lot of tax isn't
it, Lister? How on Titan are you going to pay for that, eh?
LISTER: I'm not. (Pause) It's yours.
RIMMER: What? (Jumps up.) No. This is wrong. It's wrong. This is well
wrong, Lister.
LISTER: Relax. It doesn't matter now. They're not going to catch you
now are they?
RIMMER: What do you mean? Just because we're three million years into
deep space and the human species is extinct. That means nothing to
these people. They'll find us.
LISTER: (Returning to mail sorting.) Me.
RIMMER: God, I'll be worrying about this all the time now.
LISTER: Me. No another one for you. Rear Admiral Lieutenant General
Rimmer.
RIMMER: That's from my mother.
LISTER: Rear Admiral?
RIMMER: Every time I take an exam I tell her I passed. It's getting
embarrassing now. I should be Commander in Chief of the whole
universe.
LISTER: Do you want me to open it? (RIMMER nods, LISTER does so and
starts to read.) "Dear Rimmer." Is this from your mum?
RIMMER: That's mumsie!
LISTER: This handwriting's terrible. "I hope this epistle finds you
adequately healthy to discharge your duties." You know maybe I
shouldn't be reading this deeply personal stuff.
RIMMER: Just get on with it.
LISTER: "I write to--" I can't read that. Oh, "I write to inform." "I
write to inform you that your father is dad." Well of course he is.
Maybe it's your father stroke dad.
RIMMER: It's dead.
LISTER: I can't make it out. (Holds letter up and examines it.)
RIMMER: My father is dead.
LISTER: What?
RIMMER: My father is dead.
LISTER: Oh yeah it's an E. (Happy to have solved it.) That's what it is.
Your father's dead, Rimmer. (Realises what he's said.) Oh, eh -- I'm
sorry.
RIMMER: Is that all she says?
LISTER: Just that, "He passed away peacefully in his Jeep." (Looking at
the letter again) "...sleep."
7 Int. Observation dome.
RIMMER is staring into space. LISTER arrives.
LISTER: Can't sleep?
RIMMER: Hmmm.
LISTER: No, me neither.
RIMMER: Hmmm.
LISTER: I remember when my dad died you know. I was only six. I got
loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember
wishing a couple more people would die so I could complete my Lego set.
My grandma tried to explain, you know. She said he'd gone away and he
wasn't coming back. So, I wanted to know where, like, you know. She
said he was very happy and he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish.
So I thought they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just
round the U bend, you know. I used to stuff food down, you know, and
magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child
psychologist in the end because they found me with my head down the
bowl reading him the football results.
RIMMER: I knew he was dead. I mean they're all dead, aren't they? Just
getting that letter makes it seem like it happened yesterday.
LISTER: You never said much about him.
RIMMER: No.
LISTER: You must have been pretty close.
RIMMER: Close.
LISTER: Was it very close?
RIMMER: Close. (Pause) I hated him. I detested his fat stupid guts, the
pop-eyed, balding git.
LISTER: What?
RIMMER: He always wanted to join the Space Corps -- be an officer. But
they wouldn't take him because he was an inch below regulation height.
One inch. I had three brothers. When we were young he bought a
traction machine so that he could stretch us. By the time my brother
Frank was eleven he was six foot five. Every morning he'd measure us
and if we hadn't grown, back on the rack.
LISTER: Sounds like he had a screw loose.
RIMMER: I don't think he had one screw fully tightened, to be perfectly
honest with you. He had this fixation that we all had to get into the
Space Corps. At meal times he'd ask us questions on astronavigation.
If we got them wrong -- no food.
LISTER: God, Rimmer, how did you cope with that?
RIMMER: I didn't. I nearly died of malnutrition.
LISTER: I had no idea. I thought you adored your parents.
RIMMER: When I was fourteen I divorced them.
LISTER: What?
RIMMER: I took them to court. I got paid maintenance until employment
age and access every fourth weekend to the family dog.
LISTER: So why are you so completely blown away about him dying then?
RIMMER: Oh, it doesn't mean to say I don't respect him, didn't look up to
him. It was only natural -- he was my father.
LISTER: There's nothing natural about your family, Rimmer.
RIMMER: It's just I always wanted just once, just once, for him to say to
me, "well done."
LISTER: For what?
RIMMER: For something, for anything. I wanted him to be proud of me,
just once. And now ...
The CAT enters with a flourish, completely wrecking the serious moment.
CAT: Wow!!! My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry. Hey, there
you are! Hey man, I'm so hungry, I just have to eat.
LISTER: Shhhhh. Not now, man. Rimmer's dad's died.
CAT: I'd prefer chicken.
8 Int. Sleeping quarters.
RIMMER is watching the news tape. A hologrammatic newsreader is reading
the news. Behind her is a backdrop: "Groovy Channel 27."
NEWSREADER: Good evening. Here is the news on Friday, the 27th of
Geldof.
Archeologists near mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a
missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon dated
in Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is
believed to read "To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within
this book are fictitous and any resemblance to persons living or dead
is purely coincidental." The page has been universally condemned by
church leaders.
Europe. A terrorist representing the Revolutionary Working Front, a
fanatical left wing group dedicated to eliminating the--
The CAT enters and sits on the end of RIMMER's bunk.
RIMMER: Pause. (The recording stops.)
CAT: About your father. If it's any help, he's in the ground now. Sure
it's bad news for him. But on the other hand it's party time for all
the little worms. (Wiggles him fingers.)
RIMMER and LISTER just stare at him.
CAT: (To LISTER) There's just no consoling him. (Leaves.)
LISTER: Rimmer, listen -- me and the Cat were going to play a T-I-V. We
wondered if you wanted to come?
RIMMER shakes his head no.
LISTER: Oh, come on! Holly says he can key you in.
RIMMER shakes his head no again.
LISTER: No? (LISTER waits a short while and leaves.)
RIMMER: Play.
NEWSREADER: --middle class, was arrested today. The man, Henri le
Clerque, was attempting to poison the mineral spring in france which is
the source of all the world's Perrier water. Had he succeeded experts
believe the middle class would have been wiped out within three weeks.
Techno news. The new sensation sweeping the solar system is the total
immersion video game, "Better Than Life." Using the new senso lock
feedback technology, "Better Than Life" is able to detect all your
desires and fantasies and then make them come true.
RIMMER sits up and begins to take note.
NEWSREADER: So great is the appeal of "Better Than Life" when one store
in New Tokyo ran out of stocks rubber nuclear weapons had to be
deployed to disperse the crowd.
Sport. England's underwater hockey team's tour of Titan--
9 Int. Mail room.
RIMMER and the CAT are eagerly watching LISTER who is searching through
the mail. RIMMER has completely changed his mind about the idea and is
as keen as the rest of them.
LISTER: "Better Than Life," here it is!
RIMMER: Brilliant!
CAT: Let's play! Hee hee hee.
They all put on rather strange looking helmets and press large electrodes
into their heads. A stupefied expression appears on their faces. Their
heads roll alarmingly.
10 Int. BTL corridor.
Suddenly they are seen through a cloud of steam in a corridor. They pass
through two sets of imposing double doors and appear on a beach.
11 Ext. BTL beach.
LISTER: What sort of game is this?
RIMMER: It's incredible. It's just like being here.
LISTER: Yeesss.
LISTER has seen Marilyn MONROE walking towards them.
MONROE: Boop boop bi doo.
She waves and walks past.
RIMMER: That's whatshername, the actress from the 20th century. Err,
Mary Magdelene.
LISTER: It's Marilyn Monroe you gimp. (Nudges CAT.) I think she fancies
you.
CAT: What does that prove? She's not blind. Hey baby I'm a little busy
right now. I'll catch you later ok? (Waves to her and she waves
back.)
RIMMER: It's absolutely incredible. Look, Look!
RIMMER has seen a Napoleonic figure standing in the water and runs over
to him.
RIMMER: Excuse me. You're probably really busy but could I just say you
are my all time favourite fascist dictator and I've read all your war
diaries and I thought your Italian campaign was simply brilliant. Err,
could you just sign this for me. Err, make it out to my good pal Arnie
from your dear chum Napolean Bonaparte. It's not for me, it's for my
sister Alison. Errm, we call her Arnie.
RIMMER points behind Napoleans head as he signs the autograph and then
goes to rejoin the others.
LISTER: Napolean Bonaparte's autograph!
Suddenly a man appears with them. He is the "Better Than Life" Guide.
The crew look rather shocked by his sudden appearance.
GUIDE: Gentlemen! Welcome to "Better Than Life." Well, you must be
hungry and there's a restaurant just a couple of miles down the beach.
LISTER: A couple of miles? How are we supposed to get there.
GUIDE: Anyway you want. After all, this is "Better Than Life."
LISTER: Any way we want?
LISTER concentrates briefly and a powerful Harley Davidson appears on the
beach before them.
LISTER: Hee hee, Yeah! Yo!
LISTER and the CAT get on the bike and sunglasses appear in their hands.
They put on the sunglasses, give RIMMER the finger and drive away,
covering him in sand in the process. RIMMER concentrates and a clapped
out Reliant Robin appears before him.
RIMMER: I'm thinking too small. Think big!
The Robin becomes a flashy Jaguar.
RIMMER: That's more like it. Heh Heh!
12 Int. BTL Jaguar.
He gets into the car and turns on the radio. Martial type music comes
forth. RIMMER salutes. He concentrates again and a woman appears in the
seat next to him.
RIMMER: McGruder!
MCGRUDER: Hi Tiger! (Makes a seductive growl.)
RIMMER: I bet you're wearing a peep-hole bra under that, eh?
MCGRUDER: (Emphatically) Yes, I am!
RIMMER growls and bites his hand. He seems rather pleased with the way
things are going.
RIMMER: We're only one thing away from perfection.
RIMMER concentrate again and fluffy dice appear in the car.
RIMMER: Bliss.
MCGRUDER gives RIMMER a sexy look and he drives off along the beach.
13 Int. BTL classy restaurant.
The restaurant is full of colorful -- you might say strange, if they were
poor -- people. CAT is blowing down straws and LISTER is throwing food
about and trying to catch it in his mouth as usual.
CAT: Where's Rimmer? I thought he was right behind us.
The "Better Than Life" Guide appears and serves LISTER's food.
GUIDE: Your caviar vindaloo, sir. Half rice, half chips and lots more
bread and butter to follow.
LISTER: I never thought I'd see the day when I could eat something as
classy as this, you know?
GUIDE: This is "Better Than Life," sir. (Turns to CAT.) And yours was
the fish, sir?
The CAT nods eagerly and starts to lick the mans jacket.
LISTER: (Mouth full of food) What are you doing?
CAT: I always do this when someone gives me food.
The CAT continues and LISTER puts down his plate. The Guide puts a tank
full of fish in front of the CAT.
GUIDE: As ordered, sir. Small fish. Are you sure you wouldn't like your
fish cooked.
CAT: No, sir! I like my food to move! (Produces a fishing rod, dangles
the hook in the tank and starts singing.) I'm going to eat you little
fishy...
14 Int. BTL restaraunt entry.
RIMMER walks in dressed rather nattily like someone from some years ago
who has just been out for a drive in an expensive car, goggles included.
GUIDE: (Saluting) Mister Rimmer, sir. They're on table K on the second
terrace.
RIMMER: Excellent. (He moves off to join them.)
15 Int. BTL restaraunt table.
CAT: I'm going to eat you little fishy. I'm going to eat you little
fishy cos I like little fish. (Laughs and shakes salt into the tank.)
LISTER looks on with an incredulous expression.
RIMMER: Ah, I'm sorry, I don't know what happened. I was driving along
and suddenly there was McGruder. Well one thing led to another and...
Good God! This is a great game! Twice in one lifetime, I'm turning
into Hugh Heffner! (He starts to eat some bread.)
LISTER: Rimmer, you can touch things!
RIMMER: I know. Why do you think I was so late? (Makes gesture with
fist and elbow -- you know the one I mean.)
LISTER: Have you checked into your room yet?
RIMMER: What room?
LISTER: I mean, mine is absolutely brilliant. I've got this vibrating,
leopard skin waterbed in the shape of a guitar.
CAT: Yeah? Well you should take a look at my wardrobe. It's so big it
crosses an international time zone. When it's three o' clock where my
shirts are it's seven in the morning for my socks. (Nods in a smug
manner and goes back to fishing.)
A voice off stage is then heard calling. RIMMER looks round, thinking
someone is showing off.
CAPTAIN: (From offscreen) Admiral!
LISTER: But what about my electonic lavvy? I mean this thing comes when
you call it, take your trousers down, does everything for you. It's
just so stylish.
CAPTAIN: Admiral!
RIMMER: Who is that? Just because some hoity-toity, gonad brain gimp
knows an Admiral, does he have to broadcast it?
CAPTAIN: Admiral Rimmer, sir!
RIMMER: (Makes yawning noise.) Awwwww, yawn-o-rama city. We know an
Admiral. Come on.
The owner of the voice now appears and does a RIMMER-style salute. He is
in a Captain's uniform and remains at salute through the following
speech.
CAPTAIN: Admiral Rimmer, sir. Field Marshall Clifton sends his
compliments and wonders if you would care to join him for port and
cigars.
RIMMER: Errr, I think there must be some mistake. I'm not an Admiral.
Suddenly RIMMER is an Admiral. He is now wearing a uniform with more
decorations than the Cistine Chapel.
RIMMER: I love this game! Gentlemen, do excuse me.
RIMMER gets up and goes to join the Field Marshall and friends. The
Guide reappears with a champagne bucket which he sets down on the table.
GUIDE: Dom Perignon '54, sir. (He brings out a beer glass and puts it
down.) In a pint mug, as requested.
LISTER: Thank you, my man.
LISTER drinks the bubbly in one go, spilling a good deal of it and puts
the empty glass on his head. The CAT looks on.
LISTER: That's a good year.
16 Int. BTL dining room.
We switch scenes to the Field Marshal's party. RIMMER is sat at the head
of the table smoking a cigar. Everyone is laughing good naturedly.
RIMMER: So, I said to Hollister ... well, I can't actually remember
exactly what I said to him. But it was one of the most enormously
cruel and frighteningly witty put downs ever.
The military men look at each other for a moment. But this is "Better
Than Life," so they all burst into laughter. A young cadet comes up to
RIMMER.
CADET: Sir, I know it's a most awful bore but, err, would you mind just
signing this.
He produces a book and pen.
RIMMER: What's that, you little pipsqueak?
We now see that the book has a colour photo of RIMMER on the front in
full uniform.
RIMMER: (Reading the cover) "My Incredible Career, by Admiral A. J.
Rimmer."
CADET: I've read it eighteen times, sir.
RIMMER signs the book and hands it back to the cadet.
RIMMER: There you go, laddo.
CADET: Oh thank you, sir. Gosh, I'll be the envy of the academy.
RIMMER stops as behind the Field Marshall and another officer he sees his
father.
RIMMER: Father.
RIMMER'S DAD: Son.
RIMMER: What are you doing here?
RIMMER'S DAD: I'm sorry to barge in on you and your, err, officer
chummies, but--
RIMMER: Yes?
RIMMER'S DAD: I just wanted to tell you--
RIMMER: Yes?
RIMMER'S DAD: I just wanted to say--
RIMMER: Yes?
RIMMER'S DAD: I just wanted to say-- (pause) You're a total smeghead!
RIMMER: (Looking shocked) What? This isn't my fantasy!
CAT: (Coming into view) No, it's mine. (The CAT steals RIMMER's cigar
and exits.)
17 Ext. BTL golf course.
LISTER and the CAT are playing golf. LISTER is dressed normally but the
CAT has a full golfing costume on. LISTER is not playing with much style
and gives the ball a whack.
LISTER: Yess, Hooooo.
CAT: Hey move over man. I want to plant my egg. (Puts the ball down.)
LISTER: It's called a ball.
CAT: Are you trying to tell me how to play this game? You think cats
never played golf? Ok!
The CAT takes a big swing, spins round three times and throws the golf
club far into the distance. LISTER dives for cover. The CAT hops on one
leg watching the flight of the club.
18 Ext. BTL golf course hill.
We next see the pair pushing their golf bags up a hill and making car
noises.
LISTER: I'm really thirsty you know.
CAT: Yeah?
LISTER: Yeah.
The Guide comes into shot carrying a large drink with a firework in it.
GUIDE: Perhaps a banana bomb, sir.
LISTER: Thank you, my man.
The Guide lights the rocket and it shoots up out of the glass. They
laugh and carry on walking. They pass a large bed on which Marilyn
MONROE is lying.
MONROE: Hi sugar! How about a bit of ooby dooby doo?
CAT: How's about a bit of ooby dooby don't.
They carry on and Marilyn throws a pillow at him.
CAT: What a pest!
19 Ext. BTL golf course green.
A golf ball comes rolling onto it and rolls near to the hole. A golf
club then comes flying onto the green as well, landing nearby. LISTER
and the CAT walk into view and so does HOLLY's monitor from the other
side.
HOLLY: Alright! What's happening, dudes?
CAT: We're having a really nice time. I'm dating Marilyn Monroe and also
I have another girlfriend who's a mermaid. She's half woman, half
fish. (He starts licking and kissing a photograph then turns round.)
It's Miranda, my girlfriend.
As she comes out of the water we see the top half of her is a fish, the
bottom half is a woman.
HOLLY: Somehow I'd imagined she'd be a woman on top and a fish on the
bottom.
CAT: No! That's a stupid way round. (He sticks out his tongue briefly
and grins and waves.)
20 Ext. BTL country road.
A heavily loaded, small, car drives into view down a country lane. We
hear kids screaming and see RIMMER at the wheel. The car stops, it seems
to be in trouble. RIMMER and a woman get out. They start arguing. We
see there are several kids running around and the woman is pregnant
again.
LISTER: Rimmer! What happened to you.
RIMMER: Lister. Ah this a great game lister. I couldn't be happier.
CAT: Who are all those guys?
RIMMER: It's McGruder. She got pregnant so this morning she made me
marry her and this afternoon we had seven kids. Bliss.
LISTER: Where's your E type?
RIMMER: It was too impractical. With all the kids and everything.
LISTER: Rimmer you fantasised that you had seven kids and a mortgage?
RIMMER: (Grabbing hold of LISTER) Help!
MCGRUDER: Arnold! Where are the nappy sacks?
RIMMER is now wearing very old clothes and drinking from a bottle wrapped
in a paper bag.
RIMMER: My brain's rebelled. It just won't accept nice things happening
to me. It just keeps fantasising horribleness.
RIMMER slides down the wall. Suddenly an official looking man appears.
TAXMAN: Mister Rimmer?
RIMMER: (Weakly) Yes.
TAXMAN: Mister Arnold Judas Rimmer?
RIMMER: Yes.
TAXMAN: (Smiles) Outland Revenue, sir!
RIMMER: Oh my God!
TAXMAN: This is a demand for immediate payment.
RIMMER: Eighteen thousand?
TAXMAN: If you are unable to pay, sir, I am instructed by the Revenue to
break both your legs and pull off your thumbs-- (twitches) --sir.
RIMMER: What am I going to do? I'm broke.
LISTER: I'll pay. I'll pay. I'll pay. (Looks through pockets but can't
find any cash.) Where's all my money gone?
RIMMER: Oh no! I just fantasised it all away. This is getting worse.
Help me.
CAT: Ah! Don't move! A huge, black, furry spider with big teeth just
crawled up your trouser leg.
RIMMER: I know. I just put it there. It's the thing I'm afraid of most
in the whole world -- a tarantula crawling up my trousers.
LISTER: Rimmer, this is getting out of hand.
RIMMER: Do you think I don't know that. Ah! he's past my knee. He's
into my boxers.
LISTER: Close your eyes and wish it away.
RIMMER: I can't!
LISTER: Concentrate man.
RIMMER: I can't!
21 Ext. BTL beach.
A sudden change of scene via some form of reality shift. We pull back
from a close up of RIMMER to find the crew buried in sand up to their
necks. Even HOLLY is involved in monitor form.
CAT: What's he done now?
RIMMER: I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
LISTER: What's going on?
RIMMER: Our faces have been smeared with jam and we're about to be eaten
alive by killer ants.
CAT: Why?
RIMMER: Why not?
HOLLY: Oh dear. You can't take him anywhere can you? (His monitor image
is also covered in jam.)
LISTER: You've ruined this, Rimmer.
RIMMER: We're going to die. We're going to die and it's all my fault.
ALL: Aaaaaarrghhh!!!!!
22 Int. Red Dwarf Mail room.
Suddenly we are back on Red Dwarf. Everyone removes the TIV helmets.
LISTER: You're a total dinglebat, aren't you?
RIMMER: I'm sorry.
CAT: Yeah! We were having a great time until you came along with your
diseased brain.
LISTER: You're a bozo!
LISTER picks up another piece of mail and they all walk out.
RIMMER: I can't help it, nice things just don't happen to me.
CAT: Hey, what's that?
LISTER: It's a letter and it's for Rimmer. (LISTER opens it and reads)
"Dear Sir, Due to a computer error you were wrongly informed that you
had failed the astronavigation exam. In fact you passed with honours
and you are hereby promoted to navigation officer first class. We
enclose your pips and insignia." Smegging hell!
LISTER and the CAT look disgusted and walk off.
LISTER: Who said you was a loser, eh? Who said nice things never happen
to you?
RIMMER does a big salute. The door to the cupboard then opens and the
taxman comes out carrying a big hammer.
TAXMAN: I did!
LISTER: Oh no, we're still in the game!
TAXMAN: You certainly are. Now, what about my eighteen grand? Come on,
it's bone crunching time, me old china. Now, where's those little
thumbies?
He puts RIMMER's hand down on the table and gives it a big thump with the
hammer. The film freezes. Final caption in big letters:
G A M E
O V E R
Credits:
Rimmer Chris Barrie
Lister Craig Charles
Cat Danny John-Jules
Holly Norman Lovett
With:
Rimmer's Dad John Abineri
Marilyn Monroe Debbie Ash
Rathbone Jeremy Austin
The Captain Nigel Carrivick
The Guide Tony Hawks
McGruder Judy Hawkins
The Newsreader Tina Jenkins
The Taxman Ron Pember
Gordon Gordon Salkilld
Written By Rob Grant
Doug Naylor
Music Howard Goodall
Graphic Designer Mark Allen
Unit Manager Kelvin Jones
Associate Producer Ann Zahl
OB Lighting David Parker
Gordon White
OB Cameraman Rocket
Technical Coordinator Andrew Cowley
Camera Supervisor Melvyn Cross
Vision Mixer Jill Dornan
Prop Buyer Mike Fallon
Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg
Videotape Editor Ed Wooden
Production Team Helen Campbell
Kate Preston
Assistant Floor Manager Dona DiStefano
Production Assistant Anna Staniland
Production Manager Mike Agnew
Costume Designer Jackie Pinks
Make-Up Designer Bethan Jones
Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington
Lighting Director John Pomfrey
Designer Paul Montague
Executive Producer Paul Jackson
Produced and Directed By Ed Bye
Notes and Trivia:
The ending seems rather reminiscent of that of a Young ones episode where Neil
gets beaten up 'Oh no, this is the dream!'.
Maybe Lister and Cat were too hard on Rimmer. He did get them out of Better
Than Life and if you've read the books you know what that means. But then
again he didn't did he ? When did they get out ?
Kryten, rescued last episode, has disappeared.
The Taruantula guest starred in a similar (though much funnier) gag in series
V.
Golf and fishing were to resurface in a later series where Lister and Cat play
Junior Angler and Indoor golf!
This episode, along with 'Kryten' and 'Thanks For The Memory' is on BBC Video
BBCV 4749.
1 Ext. View of space.
HOLLY: (In space) Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red
Dwarf. Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive; Arnold
Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate; and a creature who evolved
from the ship's cat. Message ends.
(Reappearing) Additional: Loneliness weighs heavily on us all.
Personally the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we
are over sixty billion miles away from the nearest Berni Inn.
2 Ext. Red Dwarf.
A rocket powered metal cylinder approaches RED DWARF from the depths of
space. Cut to inside where LISTER has a medical problem. He is holding
a bottle of liquid to help a bad stomach.
LISTER: (Reading the bottle) "For a mild stomach upset take one
teaspoonful. For acute indigestion take two."
LISTER considers, takes the spoon out of his mouth and throws it away.
Then he empties most of the bottle into a glass and starts gulping it.
RIMMER enters, dressed as a chef.
RIMMER: Well, a highly enjoyable meal all round. Obviously you can't
expect perfection first time but I was quite delighted with the way my
dumplings went down.
LISTER: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they're properly
cooked to perfection, proper dumplings, should not bounce.
RIMMER: True, but compared to what I thought they were going to be like
they were quite superb.
LISTER: So how's the Cat?
RIMMER: He's just sleeping off the stomach pump. He'll be alright. The
lamb was a bit of a flop though.
LISTER: The lamb? Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese and that
lemon meringue pie, man, what was in that?
RIMMER: I thought you liked that, you brought some back.
LISTER: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot.
RIMMER: It's not easy, Lister, cooking. When you're dead, when you don't
exist, when you're made entirely of light.
LISTER: That's your excuse for everything isn't it -- being dead?
RIMMER: I'm just trying to rehabilitate myself, trying to do the
everyday, normal things that most living people take for granted.
LISTER: You've got the skutters to help you.
RIMMER: What? Pinky and smeggy Perky? What use are they? It's like
giving Blind Pew contact lenses.
LISTER: They only do what you tell them to.
RIMMER: Ah, but they don't do they? You say, "Keep an eye on that lamb,"
and they do. They sit there for three hours and watch it burn.
LISTER: So. They've got no emotion have they? It's not built into their
software.
RIMMER: Have you seen their broom cupboard? it's full of pin-ups of John
Wayne. That cannot be right can it? (Indicating shoulder height)
Piled this high with Film Fun magazines. It's not the way spanners
behave in my book.
HOLLY appears on the screen and breaks in.
HOLLY: Oi. What's happening dudes?
LISTER: Hi, Hol.
HOLLY: Guess what?
RIMMER: What?
HOLLY: Go on, have a guess.
RIMMER: What is it vaguely about?
HOLLY: No clues, just have a guess.
RIMMER and LISTER look exasperated. LISTER covers his face.
HOLLY: I knew you wouldn't get it. Post pod's arrived.
RIMMER: What, the mail?
HOLLY: It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now we've turned round
it's caught up.
LISTER: Do you mean it's taken 3 million years.
HOLLY: Yeah, that's about average for second class post.
3 Int. Corridor.
The skutters are racing around the corridors. One is wearing an Indian
headdress and is being chased by another in a cowboy hat firing a gun.
LISTER and RIMMER walk past.
RIMMER: See what I mean? (Makes Indian warcry.)
4 Int. Mail room.
The pod has been opened. Piles and piles of mail are lying around. The
arm of a skutter takes one from the John Wayne fan club addressed to "The
Skutters, Red Dwarf, Deep Space, RE1 3DW" and disappears.
RIMMER: There's everything here, all the mail, entertainment cassettes, a
new batch of movies.
LISTER: Oh! The new Friday the 13th movie -- Friday the 13th part one
thousand six hundred and forty nine.
RIMMER: Look, Cassablanca! They've re-made Cassablanca!
LISTER: Philistines. I mean how can you re-make Cassablanca? The one
starring Myra Dinglebat and Peter Beardsley was definitive.
HOLLY: I saw that one -- knockout! "Of all the space bars on all the
worlds you had to re-materialise in mine."
RIMMER: Look, a cassette of a whole year of Earth news here.
LISTER: And two seasons of zero gee football. I'll see you in the
spring. (Gets up to leave.)
RIMMER: Ah ah ah ah. What are total immersion video games?
LISTER: Where? Oh these are brilliant. (Picks up canister.) You can't
get hold of these for love nor money! These are like Venus's arms.
These are like Brooke Shield's buttocks.
RIMMER: What are they?
LISTER: Well they're computer games aren't they? But electrodes are
inserted into your frontal lobes and hypothalamus right? So you
actually feel as though you're really, really there. Yessssss.
RIMMER: (Dismissively) Fine. Holly there's something here for you. It's
a video letter.
HOLLY: Bung it on.
LISTER inserts the cassette and a face, somewhat similar to HOLLY's,
appears on the monitor. Except that this one wears glasses.
HOLLY: Strike a light, it's Gordon.
RIMMER: Who's Gordon?
HOLLY: He's the eleventh generation AI computer aboard the Scott
Fitzgerald. He's got an IQ of eight thousand.
GORDON: Alright, Hol? (The voice belies the IQ estimate.) It-- It's
Gordon.
HOLLY: Awesome, his intellect, I'll tell you.
GORDON: I'm just sending on the latest move in our chess game. My move
is Pawn, right -- that's the little knobbly ones down the front -- Pawn
to King four. Your move. Well, I'd better sign off now. See you,
Hol. Bye. (Waits some time and the image still remains on screen.)
How do you turn this off then?
LISTER: (Turning off GORDON) You were playing postal chess with him were
you?
HOLLY: Well. A chance to lock horns with an intellect of that calibre
I'd be a fool not to. Pawn to King four eh? He's a sly one.
LISTER: So who's winning Hol?
HOLLY: Well, he is really. That was the first move.
5 Ext. Red Dwarf. Establishing shot.
6 Int. Mail room.
LISTER is sorting out the newly delivered mail.
LISTER: Me. Me. Me. You. Me.
RIMMER: It's all junk mail yours, you know.
LISTER: Me. Me. Me.
RIMMER: You send off for every bit of rubbish going, you do. Just so
you'll have some mail to open.
LISTER: Me. Me.
RIMMER: (Silly voice) Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit.
Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound
mammals. Yes I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't.
LISTER: Me. Me. Smeg! "Outland Revenue."
RIMMER: (Sucks in breath and becomes very cheerful.) Oh oh oh oh,
"Outland Revenue."
LISTER: Eight thousand five hundred?
RIMMER: Eight thousand five hundred? (Happily) That's a lot of tax isn't
it, Lister? How on Titan are you going to pay for that, eh?
LISTER: I'm not. (Pause) It's yours.
RIMMER: What? (Jumps up.) No. This is wrong. It's wrong. This is well
wrong, Lister.
LISTER: Relax. It doesn't matter now. They're not going to catch you
now are they?
RIMMER: What do you mean? Just because we're three million years into
deep space and the human species is extinct. That means nothing to
these people. They'll find us.
LISTER: (Returning to mail sorting.) Me.
RIMMER: God, I'll be worrying about this all the time now.
LISTER: Me. No another one for you. Rear Admiral Lieutenant General
Rimmer.
RIMMER: That's from my mother.
LISTER: Rear Admiral?
RIMMER: Every time I take an exam I tell her I passed. It's getting
embarrassing now. I should be Commander in Chief of the whole
universe.
LISTER: Do you want me to open it? (RIMMER nods, LISTER does so and
starts to read.) "Dear Rimmer." Is this from your mum?
RIMMER: That's mumsie!
LISTER: This handwriting's terrible. "I hope this epistle finds you
adequately healthy to discharge your duties." You know maybe I
shouldn't be reading this deeply personal stuff.
RIMMER: Just get on with it.
LISTER: "I write to--" I can't read that. Oh, "I write to inform." "I
write to inform you that your father is dad." Well of course he is.
Maybe it's your father stroke dad.
RIMMER: It's dead.
LISTER: I can't make it out. (Holds letter up and examines it.)
RIMMER: My father is dead.
LISTER: What?
RIMMER: My father is dead.
LISTER: Oh yeah it's an E. (Happy to have solved it.) That's what it is.
Your father's dead, Rimmer. (Realises what he's said.) Oh, eh -- I'm
sorry.
RIMMER: Is that all she says?
LISTER: Just that, "He passed away peacefully in his Jeep." (Looking at
the letter again) "...sleep."
7 Int. Observation dome.
RIMMER is staring into space. LISTER arrives.
LISTER: Can't sleep?
RIMMER: Hmmm.
LISTER: No, me neither.
RIMMER: Hmmm.
LISTER: I remember when my dad died you know. I was only six. I got
loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember
wishing a couple more people would die so I could complete my Lego set.
My grandma tried to explain, you know. She said he'd gone away and he
wasn't coming back. So, I wanted to know where, like, you know. She
said he was very happy and he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish.
So I thought they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just
round the U bend, you know. I used to stuff food down, you know, and
magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child
psychologist in the end because they found me with my head down the
bowl reading him the football results.
RIMMER: I knew he was dead. I mean they're all dead, aren't they? Just
getting that letter makes it seem like it happened yesterday.
LISTER: You never said much about him.
RIMMER: No.
LISTER: You must have been pretty close.
RIMMER: Close.
LISTER: Was it very close?
RIMMER: Close. (Pause) I hated him. I detested his fat stupid guts, the
pop-eyed, balding git.
LISTER: What?
RIMMER: He always wanted to join the Space Corps -- be an officer. But
they wouldn't take him because he was an inch below regulation height.
One inch. I had three brothers. When we were young he bought a
traction machine so that he could stretch us. By the time my brother
Frank was eleven he was six foot five. Every morning he'd measure us
and if we hadn't grown, back on the rack.
LISTER: Sounds like he had a screw loose.
RIMMER: I don't think he had one screw fully tightened, to be perfectly
honest with you. He had this fixation that we all had to get into the
Space Corps. At meal times he'd ask us questions on astronavigation.
If we got them wrong -- no food.
LISTER: God, Rimmer, how did you cope with that?
RIMMER: I didn't. I nearly died of malnutrition.
LISTER: I had no idea. I thought you adored your parents.
RIMMER: When I was fourteen I divorced them.
LISTER: What?
RIMMER: I took them to court. I got paid maintenance until employment
age and access every fourth weekend to the family dog.
LISTER: So why are you so completely blown away about him dying then?
RIMMER: Oh, it doesn't mean to say I don't respect him, didn't look up to
him. It was only natural -- he was my father.
LISTER: There's nothing natural about your family, Rimmer.
RIMMER: It's just I always wanted just once, just once, for him to say to
me, "well done."
LISTER: For what?
RIMMER: For something, for anything. I wanted him to be proud of me,
just once. And now ...
The CAT enters with a flourish, completely wrecking the serious moment.
CAT: Wow!!! My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry. Hey, there
you are! Hey man, I'm so hungry, I just have to eat.
LISTER: Shhhhh. Not now, man. Rimmer's dad's died.
CAT: I'd prefer chicken.
8 Int. Sleeping quarters.
RIMMER is watching the news tape. A hologrammatic newsreader is reading
the news. Behind her is a backdrop: "Groovy Channel 27."
NEWSREADER: Good evening. Here is the news on Friday, the 27th of
Geldof.
Archeologists near mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a
missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon dated
in Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is
believed to read "To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within
this book are fictitous and any resemblance to persons living or dead
is purely coincidental." The page has been universally condemned by
church leaders.
Europe. A terrorist representing the Revolutionary Working Front, a
fanatical left wing group dedicated to eliminating the--
The CAT enters and sits on the end of RIMMER's bunk.
RIMMER: Pause. (The recording stops.)
CAT: About your father. If it's any help, he's in the ground now. Sure
it's bad news for him. But on the other hand it's party time for all
the little worms. (Wiggles him fingers.)
RIMMER and LISTER just stare at him.
CAT: (To LISTER) There's just no consoling him. (Leaves.)
LISTER: Rimmer, listen -- me and the Cat were going to play a T-I-V. We
wondered if you wanted to come?
RIMMER shakes his head no.
LISTER: Oh, come on! Holly says he can key you in.
RIMMER shakes his head no again.
LISTER: No? (LISTER waits a short while and leaves.)
RIMMER: Play.
NEWSREADER: --middle class, was arrested today. The man, Henri le
Clerque, was attempting to poison the mineral spring in france which is
the source of all the world's Perrier water. Had he succeeded experts
believe the middle class would have been wiped out within three weeks.
Techno news. The new sensation sweeping the solar system is the total
immersion video game, "Better Than Life." Using the new senso lock
feedback technology, "Better Than Life" is able to detect all your
desires and fantasies and then make them come true.
RIMMER sits up and begins to take note.
NEWSREADER: So great is the appeal of "Better Than Life" when one store
in New Tokyo ran out of stocks rubber nuclear weapons had to be
deployed to disperse the crowd.
Sport. England's underwater hockey team's tour of Titan--
9 Int. Mail room.
RIMMER and the CAT are eagerly watching LISTER who is searching through
the mail. RIMMER has completely changed his mind about the idea and is
as keen as the rest of them.
LISTER: "Better Than Life," here it is!
RIMMER: Brilliant!
CAT: Let's play! Hee hee hee.
They all put on rather strange looking helmets and press large electrodes
into their heads. A stupefied expression appears on their faces. Their
heads roll alarmingly.
10 Int. BTL corridor.
Suddenly they are seen through a cloud of steam in a corridor. They pass
through two sets of imposing double doors and appear on a beach.
11 Ext. BTL beach.
LISTER: What sort of game is this?
RIMMER: It's incredible. It's just like being here.
LISTER: Yeesss.
LISTER has seen Marilyn MONROE walking towards them.
MONROE: Boop boop bi doo.
She waves and walks past.
RIMMER: That's whatshername, the actress from the 20th century. Err,
Mary Magdelene.
LISTER: It's Marilyn Monroe you gimp. (Nudges CAT.) I think she fancies
you.
CAT: What does that prove? She's not blind. Hey baby I'm a little busy
right now. I'll catch you later ok? (Waves to her and she waves
back.)
RIMMER: It's absolutely incredible. Look, Look!
RIMMER has seen a Napoleonic figure standing in the water and runs over
to him.
RIMMER: Excuse me. You're probably really busy but could I just say you
are my all time favourite fascist dictator and I've read all your war
diaries and I thought your Italian campaign was simply brilliant. Err,
could you just sign this for me. Err, make it out to my good pal Arnie
from your dear chum Napolean Bonaparte. It's not for me, it's for my
sister Alison. Errm, we call her Arnie.
RIMMER points behind Napoleans head as he signs the autograph and then
goes to rejoin the others.
LISTER: Napolean Bonaparte's autograph!
Suddenly a man appears with them. He is the "Better Than Life" Guide.
The crew look rather shocked by his sudden appearance.
GUIDE: Gentlemen! Welcome to "Better Than Life." Well, you must be
hungry and there's a restaurant just a couple of miles down the beach.
LISTER: A couple of miles? How are we supposed to get there.
GUIDE: Anyway you want. After all, this is "Better Than Life."
LISTER: Any way we want?
LISTER concentrates briefly and a powerful Harley Davidson appears on the
beach before them.
LISTER: Hee hee, Yeah! Yo!
LISTER and the CAT get on the bike and sunglasses appear in their hands.
They put on the sunglasses, give RIMMER the finger and drive away,
covering him in sand in the process. RIMMER concentrates and a clapped
out Reliant Robin appears before him.
RIMMER: I'm thinking too small. Think big!
The Robin becomes a flashy Jaguar.
RIMMER: That's more like it. Heh Heh!
12 Int. BTL Jaguar.
He gets into the car and turns on the radio. Martial type music comes
forth. RIMMER salutes. He concentrates again and a woman appears in the
seat next to him.
RIMMER: McGruder!
MCGRUDER: Hi Tiger! (Makes a seductive growl.)
RIMMER: I bet you're wearing a peep-hole bra under that, eh?
MCGRUDER: (Emphatically) Yes, I am!
RIMMER growls and bites his hand. He seems rather pleased with the way
things are going.
RIMMER: We're only one thing away from perfection.
RIMMER concentrate again and fluffy dice appear in the car.
RIMMER: Bliss.
MCGRUDER gives RIMMER a sexy look and he drives off along the beach.
13 Int. BTL classy restaurant.
The restaurant is full of colorful -- you might say strange, if they were
poor -- people. CAT is blowing down straws and LISTER is throwing food
about and trying to catch it in his mouth as usual.
CAT: Where's Rimmer? I thought he was right behind us.
The "Better Than Life" Guide appears and serves LISTER's food.
GUIDE: Your caviar vindaloo, sir. Half rice, half chips and lots more
bread and butter to follow.
LISTER: I never thought I'd see the day when I could eat something as
classy as this, you know?
GUIDE: This is "Better Than Life," sir. (Turns to CAT.) And yours was
the fish, sir?
The CAT nods eagerly and starts to lick the mans jacket.
LISTER: (Mouth full of food) What are you doing?
CAT: I always do this when someone gives me food.
The CAT continues and LISTER puts down his plate. The Guide puts a tank
full of fish in front of the CAT.
GUIDE: As ordered, sir. Small fish. Are you sure you wouldn't like your
fish cooked.
CAT: No, sir! I like my food to move! (Produces a fishing rod, dangles
the hook in the tank and starts singing.) I'm going to eat you little
fishy...
14 Int. BTL restaraunt entry.
RIMMER walks in dressed rather nattily like someone from some years ago
who has just been out for a drive in an expensive car, goggles included.
GUIDE: (Saluting) Mister Rimmer, sir. They're on table K on the second
terrace.
RIMMER: Excellent. (He moves off to join them.)
15 Int. BTL restaraunt table.
CAT: I'm going to eat you little fishy. I'm going to eat you little
fishy cos I like little fish. (Laughs and shakes salt into the tank.)
LISTER looks on with an incredulous expression.
RIMMER: Ah, I'm sorry, I don't know what happened. I was driving along
and suddenly there was McGruder. Well one thing led to another and...
Good God! This is a great game! Twice in one lifetime, I'm turning
into Hugh Heffner! (He starts to eat some bread.)
LISTER: Rimmer, you can touch things!
RIMMER: I know. Why do you think I was so late? (Makes gesture with
fist and elbow -- you know the one I mean.)
LISTER: Have you checked into your room yet?
RIMMER: What room?
LISTER: I mean, mine is absolutely brilliant. I've got this vibrating,
leopard skin waterbed in the shape of a guitar.
CAT: Yeah? Well you should take a look at my wardrobe. It's so big it
crosses an international time zone. When it's three o' clock where my
shirts are it's seven in the morning for my socks. (Nods in a smug
manner and goes back to fishing.)
A voice off stage is then heard calling. RIMMER looks round, thinking
someone is showing off.
CAPTAIN: (From offscreen) Admiral!
LISTER: But what about my electonic lavvy? I mean this thing comes when
you call it, take your trousers down, does everything for you. It's
just so stylish.
CAPTAIN: Admiral!
RIMMER: Who is that? Just because some hoity-toity, gonad brain gimp
knows an Admiral, does he have to broadcast it?
CAPTAIN: Admiral Rimmer, sir!
RIMMER: (Makes yawning noise.) Awwwww, yawn-o-rama city. We know an
Admiral. Come on.
The owner of the voice now appears and does a RIMMER-style salute. He is
in a Captain's uniform and remains at salute through the following
speech.
CAPTAIN: Admiral Rimmer, sir. Field Marshall Clifton sends his
compliments and wonders if you would care to join him for port and
cigars.
RIMMER: Errr, I think there must be some mistake. I'm not an Admiral.
Suddenly RIMMER is an Admiral. He is now wearing a uniform with more
decorations than the Cistine Chapel.
RIMMER: I love this game! Gentlemen, do excuse me.
RIMMER gets up and goes to join the Field Marshall and friends. The
Guide reappears with a champagne bucket which he sets down on the table.
GUIDE: Dom Perignon '54, sir. (He brings out a beer glass and puts it
down.) In a pint mug, as requested.
LISTER: Thank you, my man.
LISTER drinks the bubbly in one go, spilling a good deal of it and puts
the empty glass on his head. The CAT looks on.
LISTER: That's a good year.
16 Int. BTL dining room.
We switch scenes to the Field Marshal's party. RIMMER is sat at the head
of the table smoking a cigar. Everyone is laughing good naturedly.
RIMMER: So, I said to Hollister ... well, I can't actually remember
exactly what I said to him. But it was one of the most enormously
cruel and frighteningly witty put downs ever.
The military men look at each other for a moment. But this is "Better
Than Life," so they all burst into laughter. A young cadet comes up to
RIMMER.
CADET: Sir, I know it's a most awful bore but, err, would you mind just
signing this.
He produces a book and pen.
RIMMER: What's that, you little pipsqueak?
We now see that the book has a colour photo of RIMMER on the front in
full uniform.
RIMMER: (Reading the cover) "My Incredible Career, by Admiral A. J.
Rimmer."
CADET: I've read it eighteen times, sir.
RIMMER signs the book and hands it back to the cadet.
RIMMER: There you go, laddo.
CADET: Oh thank you, sir. Gosh, I'll be the envy of the academy.
RIMMER stops as behind the Field Marshall and another officer he sees his
father.
RIMMER: Father.
RIMMER'S DAD: Son.
RIMMER: What are you doing here?
RIMMER'S DAD: I'm sorry to barge in on you and your, err, officer
chummies, but--
RIMMER: Yes?
RIMMER'S DAD: I just wanted to tell you--
RIMMER: Yes?
RIMMER'S DAD: I just wanted to say--
RIMMER: Yes?
RIMMER'S DAD: I just wanted to say-- (pause) You're a total smeghead!
RIMMER: (Looking shocked) What? This isn't my fantasy!
CAT: (Coming into view) No, it's mine. (The CAT steals RIMMER's cigar
and exits.)
17 Ext. BTL golf course.
LISTER and the CAT are playing golf. LISTER is dressed normally but the
CAT has a full golfing costume on. LISTER is not playing with much style
and gives the ball a whack.
LISTER: Yess, Hooooo.
CAT: Hey move over man. I want to plant my egg. (Puts the ball down.)
LISTER: It's called a ball.
CAT: Are you trying to tell me how to play this game? You think cats
never played golf? Ok!
The CAT takes a big swing, spins round three times and throws the golf
club far into the distance. LISTER dives for cover. The CAT hops on one
leg watching the flight of the club.
18 Ext. BTL golf course hill.
We next see the pair pushing their golf bags up a hill and making car
noises.
LISTER: I'm really thirsty you know.
CAT: Yeah?
LISTER: Yeah.
The Guide comes into shot carrying a large drink with a firework in it.
GUIDE: Perhaps a banana bomb, sir.
LISTER: Thank you, my man.
The Guide lights the rocket and it shoots up out of the glass. They
laugh and carry on walking. They pass a large bed on which Marilyn
MONROE is lying.
MONROE: Hi sugar! How about a bit of ooby dooby doo?
CAT: How's about a bit of ooby dooby don't.
They carry on and Marilyn throws a pillow at him.
CAT: What a pest!
19 Ext. BTL golf course green.
A golf ball comes rolling onto it and rolls near to the hole. A golf
club then comes flying onto the green as well, landing nearby. LISTER
and the CAT walk into view and so does HOLLY's monitor from the other
side.
HOLLY: Alright! What's happening, dudes?
CAT: We're having a really nice time. I'm dating Marilyn Monroe and also
I have another girlfriend who's a mermaid. She's half woman, half
fish. (He starts licking and kissing a photograph then turns round.)
It's Miranda, my girlfriend.
As she comes out of the water we see the top half of her is a fish, the
bottom half is a woman.
HOLLY: Somehow I'd imagined she'd be a woman on top and a fish on the
bottom.
CAT: No! That's a stupid way round. (He sticks out his tongue briefly
and grins and waves.)
20 Ext. BTL country road.
A heavily loaded, small, car drives into view down a country lane. We
hear kids screaming and see RIMMER at the wheel. The car stops, it seems
to be in trouble. RIMMER and a woman get out. They start arguing. We
see there are several kids running around and the woman is pregnant
again.
LISTER: Rimmer! What happened to you.
RIMMER: Lister. Ah this a great game lister. I couldn't be happier.
CAT: Who are all those guys?
RIMMER: It's McGruder. She got pregnant so this morning she made me
marry her and this afternoon we had seven kids. Bliss.
LISTER: Where's your E type?
RIMMER: It was too impractical. With all the kids and everything.
LISTER: Rimmer you fantasised that you had seven kids and a mortgage?
RIMMER: (Grabbing hold of LISTER) Help!
MCGRUDER: Arnold! Where are the nappy sacks?
RIMMER is now wearing very old clothes and drinking from a bottle wrapped
in a paper bag.
RIMMER: My brain's rebelled. It just won't accept nice things happening
to me. It just keeps fantasising horribleness.
RIMMER slides down the wall. Suddenly an official looking man appears.
TAXMAN: Mister Rimmer?
RIMMER: (Weakly) Yes.
TAXMAN: Mister Arnold Judas Rimmer?
RIMMER: Yes.
TAXMAN: (Smiles) Outland Revenue, sir!
RIMMER: Oh my God!
TAXMAN: This is a demand for immediate payment.
RIMMER: Eighteen thousand?
TAXMAN: If you are unable to pay, sir, I am instructed by the Revenue to
break both your legs and pull off your thumbs-- (twitches) --sir.
RIMMER: What am I going to do? I'm broke.
LISTER: I'll pay. I'll pay. I'll pay. (Looks through pockets but can't
find any cash.) Where's all my money gone?
RIMMER: Oh no! I just fantasised it all away. This is getting worse.
Help me.
CAT: Ah! Don't move! A huge, black, furry spider with big teeth just
crawled up your trouser leg.
RIMMER: I know. I just put it there. It's the thing I'm afraid of most
in the whole world -- a tarantula crawling up my trousers.
LISTER: Rimmer, this is getting out of hand.
RIMMER: Do you think I don't know that. Ah! he's past my knee. He's
into my boxers.
LISTER: Close your eyes and wish it away.
RIMMER: I can't!
LISTER: Concentrate man.
RIMMER: I can't!
21 Ext. BTL beach.
A sudden change of scene via some form of reality shift. We pull back
from a close up of RIMMER to find the crew buried in sand up to their
necks. Even HOLLY is involved in monitor form.
CAT: What's he done now?
RIMMER: I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
LISTER: What's going on?
RIMMER: Our faces have been smeared with jam and we're about to be eaten
alive by killer ants.
CAT: Why?
RIMMER: Why not?
HOLLY: Oh dear. You can't take him anywhere can you? (His monitor image
is also covered in jam.)
LISTER: You've ruined this, Rimmer.
RIMMER: We're going to die. We're going to die and it's all my fault.
ALL: Aaaaaarrghhh!!!!!
22 Int. Red Dwarf Mail room.
Suddenly we are back on Red Dwarf. Everyone removes the TIV helmets.
LISTER: You're a total dinglebat, aren't you?
RIMMER: I'm sorry.
CAT: Yeah! We were having a great time until you came along with your
diseased brain.
LISTER: You're a bozo!
LISTER picks up another piece of mail and they all walk out.
RIMMER: I can't help it, nice things just don't happen to me.
CAT: Hey, what's that?
LISTER: It's a letter and it's for Rimmer. (LISTER opens it and reads)
"Dear Sir, Due to a computer error you were wrongly informed that you
had failed the astronavigation exam. In fact you passed with honours
and you are hereby promoted to navigation officer first class. We
enclose your pips and insignia." Smegging hell!
LISTER and the CAT look disgusted and walk off.
LISTER: Who said you was a loser, eh? Who said nice things never happen
to you?
RIMMER does a big salute. The door to the cupboard then opens and the
taxman comes out carrying a big hammer.
TAXMAN: I did!
LISTER: Oh no, we're still in the game!
TAXMAN: You certainly are. Now, what about my eighteen grand? Come on,
it's bone crunching time, me old china. Now, where's those little
thumbies?
He puts RIMMER's hand down on the table and gives it a big thump with the
hammer. The film freezes. Final caption in big letters:
G A M E
O V E R
Credits:
Rimmer Chris Barrie
Lister Craig Charles
Cat Danny John-Jules
Holly Norman Lovett
With:
Rimmer's Dad John Abineri
Marilyn Monroe Debbie Ash
Rathbone Jeremy Austin
The Captain Nigel Carrivick
The Guide Tony Hawks
McGruder Judy Hawkins
The Newsreader Tina Jenkins
The Taxman Ron Pember
Gordon Gordon Salkilld
Written By Rob Grant
Doug Naylor
Music Howard Goodall
Graphic Designer Mark Allen
Unit Manager Kelvin Jones
Associate Producer Ann Zahl
OB Lighting David Parker
Gordon White
OB Cameraman Rocket
Technical Coordinator Andrew Cowley
Camera Supervisor Melvyn Cross
Vision Mixer Jill Dornan
Prop Buyer Mike Fallon
Visual Effects Designer Peter Wragg
Videotape Editor Ed Wooden
Production Team Helen Campbell
Kate Preston
Assistant Floor Manager Dona DiStefano
Production Assistant Anna Staniland
Production Manager Mike Agnew
Costume Designer Jackie Pinks
Make-Up Designer Bethan Jones
Sound Supervisor Tony Worthington
Lighting Director John Pomfrey
Designer Paul Montague
Executive Producer Paul Jackson
Produced and Directed By Ed Bye
Notes and Trivia:
The ending seems rather reminiscent of that of a Young ones episode where Neil
gets beaten up 'Oh no, this is the dream!'.
Maybe Lister and Cat were too hard on Rimmer. He did get them out of Better
Than Life and if you've read the books you know what that means. But then
again he didn't did he ? When did they get out ?
Kryten, rescued last episode, has disappeared.
The Taruantula guest starred in a similar (though much funnier) gag in series
V.
Golf and fishing were to resurface in a later series where Lister and Cat play
Junior Angler and Indoor golf!
This episode, along with 'Kryten' and 'Thanks For The Memory' is on BBC Video
BBCV 4749.
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