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RED DWARF - SERIES 8
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EPISODE 8 -- ONLY THE GOOD
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Version 1.01
7 - 9 April, 1999
Last updated: 19 May, 1999
Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
http://www.matrixcity.org
[-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--]
[A derelict ship, floating in space. A pod tumbles away from the ship and
slices by the camera]
[-- 2 - CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------0:04--]
[A plain starfield. Narrative text draws across the screen:]
"Lone escape pod from SS Hermes -
Survivors one.
Ship destroyed by Chameleonic Microbe."
[A pause, then the words 'by Chameleonic Microbe.' are deleted, and replaced
with:]
"by Chamelionic Mycrobe."
[A second pause, then 'by Chamelionic Mycrobe.' is deleted, and replaced
with the much simpler:]
"by shape changing weird space thing.
Non essential electrics all down,
including spell checker.
Massage ends."
[-- 3 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:26--]
[The triangular escape pod tumbles through space, its fuel spent. It
approaches Red Dwarf and falls into the ship's gravity well]
[-- 4 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:36--]
[A cargo bay within Red Dwarf. The pod has been brought in and now sits
upright in the bay. Narrative text appears:]
"6 hours later"
[One side of the pod begins to shimmer, as some kind of black, flickery
substance begins to spread out from the entry hatch and move around the
large, circular airlock cavity. As the black substance passes, the metalwork
of the pod vanishes, leaving behind a jagged tear through the airlock]
[-- 5 - Int. Captain's Recovery room --------------------------------0:46--]
[We see a close up on a TV screen, display on which is an old black and
white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is being carried by a creature dressed
in a dark suit and helmet; she kicks her legs and screams melodramatically]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[HOLLISTER is lying in bed, looking ill. There is a knock on the door, and
the CAPTAIN struggles to croak around an obviously sore throat]
HOLLISTER
...Come in...
[More knocks issue, and HOLLISTER reacts with exasperation]
HOLLISTER
...Come in...
[HOLLISTER strains hard, but the caller obviously still does not hear, and
knocks again]
HOLLISTER
...Come in!...
[There is a pause, then the door swishes open]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
Can I come in, sir?
I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear me?
Your hot lemon, sir.
[HOLLISTER takes the drink, then pats at his face]
HOLLISTER
God-damn yellow fever. I've still got that jowly, flabby, puffiness around
my cheeks.
RIMMER
Wasn't that there before your illness, sir?
Yes, I'm sure it was, because -
[HOLLISTER glances at RIMMER sharply]
RIMMER
Let me tuck you in, sir.
HOLLISTER
How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet?
RIMMER
Enjoying it, sir.
Some directives for you to sign, sir:
[RIMMER hands over a clipboard, and the CAPTAIN leafs through it]
HOLLISTER
What's this 'Space Core Free Pardon', exonerating you of all crimes, doing
in here?
[RIMMER sucks air through his mouth, an expression of incredulity on his
face]
RIMMER
Those people in Admin really need to pay more mind, sir, honestly! Tsk! You
can't rely on anyone these days, can you!
[HOLLISTER stares coldly at RIMMER, who breaks under the pressure and sinks
to his knees by the CAPTAIN's bed]
RIMMER
I'm so sorry, sir, it's just, if I've got a record, I'll never become an
officer and command my own ship; and that's what I long for more than
anything, sir, to be like you... Maybe thinner, and in better condition,
and obviously without your clogged arteries, but that aside, sir, you're the
person I admire the most.
HOLLISTER
Another ambition achieved...
RIMMER
You think I could become an officer, one day, sir?
HOLLISTER
Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this, Rimmer, but I'm sorry,
you're just not officer material.
RIMMER
'Not officer material', sir??
HOLLISTER
If you wanna take my advice you'll redirect your energies and find
something that you have a genuine chance of succeeding at.
RIMMER
Like what, sir?
[HOLLISTER feigns loss of speech]
RIMMER
So you're saying I'm never going to become a Captain, sir? Never?
[HOLLISTER croaks words]
[There is another knock at the door, and a woman dressed in a flowing
black dress sweeps in. Ignoring RIMMER, she stares down at the CAPTAIN]
WOMAN
They said it was okay to drop by...
HOLLISTER
Talia?? We-ll, hi!
[RIMMER jumps to his feet and smarms at the woman]
RIMMER
Hi!
[The woman smiles in return, but immediately returns her gaze to the
CAPTAIN]
HOLLISTER
Ah, Rimmer was just leaving...
TALIA
I can't believe we've run into one another again after all this time!
HOLLISTER
Well, the nanobots must have resurrected you, too! You look... wonderful.
TALIA
You made Captain; you've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got
goosebumps.
RIMMER
The photograph of your *wife*, sir? Is it okay where it is or should I
turn it so it's facing the wall?
HOLLISTER
Dismissed, Rimmer.
RIMMER
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Nothing I can get *you*, ma'am? Tea? Coffee?
[RIMMER turns and heads out, still muttering]
RIMMER
Packet of three..?
[Exit RIMMER]
[TALIA's eyes widen as she hears RIMMER's parting words, and the CAPTAIN
glares after him, then smiles and apologises to his guest]
[-- 6 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room --------------------Raz--3:34--]
[RIMMER present]
[RIMMER strides away from the CAPTAIN's room]
RIMMER
Me? Not make it? What does he know? The big, stupid, yellow idiot.
[RIMMER pauses by a food dispenser, and begins fishing in his pocket]
RIMMER
He doesn't see my good side, my guile, my weasel cunning. When the going
gets tough, my ability to find good hiding places.
[RIMMER takes out a token from his pocket and carefully extends a length of
thread that is attached to it. He inserts the token into the dispenser's
credit slot]
RIMMER
He thinks I'm an imbecile, he really does...
[RIMMER taps in a few numbers on a control panel, and a chocolate bar drops
into the vending compartment. RIMMER takes it]
RIMMER
Ha ha. Me, an imbecile!
[In one smooth motion, RIMMER carefully tugs on the string and pulls his
coin back out of the dispenser. Immediately lights begin to flash all over
the machine]
DISPENSER
Alert, alert! A choccy-nut bar - a choccy-nut bar - has been removed
without payment.
[RIMMER slaps his hand across the dispenser's speaker-unit]
DISPENSER
A choccy-nut bar has been removed without payment. Alert, alert!
RIMMER
Shut up!
DISPENSER
No, shan't. Alert, alert!
RIMMER
If you don't shut up, I'll pour beef soup into your speaker and you'll
drown.
DISPENSER
Take your hand off m' speaker then.
RIMMER
Promise to shut up?
DISPENSER
Promise.
[RIMMER uncovers the speaker]
DISPENSER
Ha ha ha haa! I had m' circuits crossed! Alert, alert! Chocolate abduction
on floor three-four-one. Alert -
[Angrily, RIMMER crumples up the CAPTAIN's directives and stuffs the papers
into the dispenser's speaker grille. He begins peeling off the sticky-
backed instruction labels that decorate the dispenser over its various slots
and vents and, in an attempt to silence the machine, re-sticks them so that
they cover the speaker grille]
DISPENSER
Ooh, I say, you w'll - you will not get away with this, I may not be able
to see you but I know your taste in confectionary! And I also - I also
know - I also know, ha haa, erm, no, in fact that *is* all I know, just your
taste in confectionary, but no matter, because one day I'll hear
your voice again and I'll expose you for the chocolate thieving dog you are!
[RIMMER gives up on trying to suffocate the machine, and rubs his hands on
his trousers nervously]
RIMMER
I'm really scared! I'm being threatened by a dispensing machine!
[Enter HOLLISTER]
[HOLLISTER approaches RIMMER from behind, carrying the tray RIMMER brought
with him to the recovery room. Still railing at the dispenser, RIMMER does
not see him approach]
RIMMER
What are you gonna do, leave a horse's head made out of marzipan in my
bed?
"Oh, mummy, help, help, help! I'm really scared!"
HOLLISTER
Rimmer..?
[RIMMER whirls around and flattens himself against the wall]
HOLLISTER
You forgot your tray...
RIMMER
Thank you, sir.
[HOLLISTER turns to walk away]
DISPENSER
He stole some chocolate! He stole s -
[RIMMER claps his hand across the speaker once more as HOLLISTER turns back
to regard him. The CAPTAIN opens his mouth and points at RIMMER, then
thinks better of it and heads back to his room]
[Exit HOLLISTER]
DISPENSER
You are my nemesis... one day, our paths will cross again, and I - I will
*destroy* you...
RIMMER
And on that day, I will be the Captain of this ship.
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- 7 - Int. Corridors circling Floor 13's central chamber ----------5:30--]
[CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present]
[The trio are walking through corridors on Floor 13]
CAT
It's okay for Mister cushy-working-for-the-Captain-now, but what about
me? All that damned rock!
My back's killing me, bud! Look at my spine, it's so curved, if you threw
it away it'd come back!
Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock! I ain't used to work! But what job do
they give me?
KRYTEN
Er, something to do with rocks, sir?
CAT
Exactly. You know what they've got me doing? I've got to put all the rock
albums on the P.A. system. I've got to change those suckers once every
forty-five minutes! I'm a physical wreck!
Probation's killing me, buds..!
[Exit CAT]
[Thankful for the silence, LISTER notices the piece of card that KRYTEN
carries]
LISTER
What's that?
KRYTEN
Oh, it's just a present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski.
[KRYTEN holds it up for LISTER to see]
LISTER
What, a calendar?
KRYTEN
Mmm. A couple of days ago she was looking at the old calendar and she
said it was the wrong time of the month, so I got her a new one.
I'm going to tell her, the calendar people made a mistake, but let's just
leave this whole 'wrong month' thing behind us; they were stupid, it was
careless, but being grumpy and tearful about it is getting it way out of
proportion.
LISTER
A little word in your audio receiver:
[KRYTEN leans closer, and LISTER whispers into his ear for a few moments.
They separate]
KRYTEN
And this happens to all women? They become cranky and weird, and yet you
never see this in films or on TV... and men are supposed to be in control of
the media..! This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate!
LISTER
Relax, its not a big deal. I'll tell you what to do and how to behave;
everything. Just trust me.
[-- 8 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------7:05--]
[KRYTEN present]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
[KOCHANSKI spots KRYTEN, then glances up at something above him. She does a
double-take and her eyes widen. KRYTEN stands under a large banner that
proclaims: "HAVE A FANTASTIC PERIOD"]
KRYTEN
Ta-daaaa!
Thank goodness for Mister Lister! I nearly made such a fool of myself.
[KRYTEN holds up a single tampon, dangling on its string and adorned with
green ribbons]
KRYTEN
A little present ma'am.
[KOCHANKSI narrows her eyes and nods as if playing along]
KRYTEN
All gift-wrapped.
I hope I chose the right size...
KOCHANSKI
Dave told you to do this, didn't he.
KRYTEN
Ohhh, isn't he wonderful?
KOCHANSKI
Oh yeah. Sometimes he's so cute I could just eat him.
KRYTEN
He explained everything to me so I wouldn't embarrass myself.
[KRYTEN grins and gestures with the tampon]
KOCHANSKI
Come on then, open it! I want you to try it on. Maybe you could do a
little twirl in it?
[KOCHANSKI scowls and glares at KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, how can I put this..?
KRYTEN
Is there something wrong, ma'am?
[KRYTEN pauses for a moment, considering, then quickly lowers his arm]
KRYTEN
He set me up, didn't he. This is absolutely the wrong thing to do when a
woman is having a...
[KRYTEN points upwards towards the last word of the banner]
KRYTEN
Is the banner wrong, too?
[KOCHANSKI nods, quietly]
KOCHANSKI
Oh yeah.
KRYTEN
He was lying!
I've been duped by a master craftsman. Well, two can play at this game!
KOCHANSKI
Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?
KRYTEN
Well, are you sure you have time for this, ma'am? I realise the next few
days are very special for you. Don't you want to be playing tennis alot in
tight, white jeans? Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that. And not
forgetting all that blue stuff you've got to pour over things.
KOCHANSKI
Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back!
KRYTEN
Right, here's my idea...
[KRYTEN lowers his voice and goes through the details quickly, gesturing
exaggeratedly to illustrate the key points]
[-- 9 - Int. Cell ----------------------------------------------Raz--9:04--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
[LISTER and RIMMER are sat at their table, playing draughts. A quiet whistle
is heard, and LISTER looks at his watch]
LISTER
That's Holl, he must want something.
[LISTER prods the watch and transfers HOLLY to the wall monitor]
HOLLY [on viewscreen]
Thought you might like to hear some hot off the press, official insider
information.
There's gonna be a cell inspection in about ten minutes. Keep it under
your hat.
[HOLLY winks conspiratorially, and LISTER nods]
[Enter GUARD]
GUARD
Cell inspection in ten minutes.
[Exit GUARD]
[LISTER glances back to HOLLY]
[-- 10 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:29--]
[HOLLY present]
[HOLLY nods and smiles, pleased with himself]
HOLLY
Told you.
[-- 11 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:33--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
LISTER
Thanks, Holl, it was most helpful.
[-- 12 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:37--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
When it comes to being ahead of the game, I'm your man.
[-- 13 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:42--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
RIMMER
If you don't mind me asking, where did you get that priceless nugget of
information *way* before it got into the public domain?
[-- 14 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:48--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
I've hacked into the ship's computer system; got into the prison log. I've
also managed to get a goosey at the supplies inventory. Discovered stuff in
there that'll make your hair stand on end...
[-- 15 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:59--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
LISTER
What stuff?
[-- 16 - Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------10:01--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
'Brylcreme', it's called. Y' put it on your head, and it makes your hair
stand on end. Apparently we've only got two jars left, so if you need some,
let me know.
As soon as I've got anything else that'll be useful I'll be back.
[-- 17 - Int. Cell -------------------------------------------------10:20--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
RIMMER
See you in about twenty-five years, then.
[HOLLY nods and pulls a sarcastic face, and his image dissolves]
[Exit HOLLY]
[LISTER scratches at his forehead intently]]
LISTER
This little scar's itchy today. Must be all the dust.
RIMMER
You've got a scar? When did you get that?
LISTER
Those complimentary pens that the hospital guys were giving out - y'know,
er, "most accidents happen in the home, so be careful" ones? I accidentally
stabbed m'self in the head with one.
RIMMER
Where were you?
LISTER
I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid or anything.
RIMMER
That's not a scar, that's a nick. *That* is a scar.
[RIMMER points at the small white mark under his jawline]
LISTER
Where did you get that?
RIMMER
From a fight, years ago. Duel.
LISTER
A duel? You? Get out of town!
RIMMER
Not *a* duel; "Duel", the old Steven Spielburg movie. Friend of mine
attacked me with a video case. Some stupid argument about who had the
coolest bicycle clips.
I got him back, though. I peed in his mum's steam iron; he had yellow
t-shirts for a week.
[A buzzing noise issues from a small device on the wall of their cell]
RIMMER
Why's that going off?
[RIMMER crosses to the device and tears off the piece of paper that the
machine has just printed]
RIMMER
It's from Kryten: "Look under the draughts board".
LISTER
Another note...
"Dear Mister Lister, thanks for your wonderful advice regarding Miss
Kochanski. In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash of illegal hooch
and hide it in... your shower"!
"I am laughing as I write this knowing your cell is about to be searched,
and imagining the panic now gripping your soul"!!
[LISTER tears open the shower cubicle and sees several demijohns]
RIMMER
Oh my god!
LISTER
Oh god!
RIMMER
What the hell are we gonna do? We've got an inspection in five minutes!
We're on probation!
LISTER
Down the loo; down the sink.
[LISTER drags one of the demijohns over to their sink and upends the contents
into it]
RIMMER
Baxter's gonna kill us if he finds out we're doing this!
LISTER
The Captain's gonna kill us if we don't!
RIMMER
But Baxter! You've seen what he's like: grizzly bears run screaming from
*him*. Last week he was playing poker, ran out of money - he bet his right
nut on a pair of jacks! A pair of jacks! That's how hard he is.
[A warning light flashes above LISTER's head]
LISTER
Smeg, the tank's full!
RIMMER
What're we gonna do? We've still got two bottles left!
LISTER
We're gonna have to drink it.
RIMMER
Drink it? This Baxter's hooch, it's about three hundred percent proof! A
bottle of this would get the entire Greek navy drunk.
LISTER
It'll put hairs on your chest.
RIMMER
It'll put hairs on your lips! It'll put hairs on your... hairs! It's
lethal.
LISTER
Look, do you wanna get caught in possession of illegal hooch? Get
drinkin'.
RIMMER
Have we got any mixers?
LISTER
You are wetter than a driving instructors handshake, aren't you. Get it
down your gob!
[LISTER takes a tentative sip from one of the bottles. He lowers the bottle
slowly, face slack. He coughs painfully and shuffles hesitantly towards his
chair]
RIMMER
What's it like?
LISTER
It's okay...
[RIMMER takes a wary sip himself. After a moment, his mouth begins to
tremble, followed by the rest of his head. By the time he joins LISTER at
the table, most of his body is convulsing gently. LISTER topples off the
side of his chair and sits down heavily on the floor]
[-- 18 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------13:37--]
[A plain black screen. Text appears:]
"5 minutes sshhlater..."
[-- 19 - Int. Cell -------------------------------------------------13:41--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
[LISTER has managed to regain his seat, but apart from that, nothing has
changed. Both RIMMER and LISTER sit quietly, wobbling gently and looking
decidedly ill]
[Enter ACKERMAN]
ACKERMAN
In-spec-tion!
[ACKERMAN's smile disappears as the pair ignore him, and he glares down at
them]
ACKERMAN
On your feet...
[RIMMER and LISTER do as ordered; or, at least, try. Several long moments
later, both have succeeded in pushing themselves to their feet]
ACKERMAN
Stand by your bunks...
[ACKERMAN moves aside and, with great care, RIMMER and LISTER make a dive
for the bunks, each managing to grab the top bed and hold themselves
upright. ACKERMAN takes a sniff of the demijohn standing on the table,
grimaces, and walks across the room to stand between RIMMER and LISTER in
front of the bunks]
ACKERMAN
You're drunk.
LISTER
Drunk, shir?
[LISTER shakes his head emphatically then finds it difficult to stop]
LISTER
No, sir.
RIMMER
Absolutelly not, sir, no. No, no. No.
[ACKERMAN ponders for a moment]
ACKERMAN
Who fancies a kebab?
LISTER
Oh yeah!
RIMMER
Me, sir, me!
LISTER
Oh smeg... he's shticked us.
[RIMMER passes out and falls stiffly to the floor. LISTER points and
giggles, then thinks hard for a few seconds]
LISTER
Musht've been tshe jshelly shtrifle for lunch, shir. Told him not to go
back for seconds, sir.
[LISTER rests his head against ACKERMAN's shoulder and instantly falls
asleep, snoring softly. ACKERMAN looks out of the cell]
ACKERMAN
Call the medi-bay; we need two stomach pumps.
[ACKERMAN stares at LISTER with disgust]
ACKERMAN
Super-suck...
[-- 20 - Int. Mess hall --------------------------------------------15:29--]
[KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT, other prisoners present]
[Enter BAXTER, two cronies]
KOCHANSKI
It's Baxter...
[BAXTER menaces across the mess hall and leans over the Dwarfer's table]
BAXTER
Your two mates stole my hooch; and when they get out of hospital, and
there's no guards about, this is what's gonna happen to them...
[BAXTER picks up two bread buns from the table in front of CAT and crushes
them in his fists. He giggles insanely]
CAT
You're gonna squeeze their rolls?
That's irritating, but hey, in many ways they'll be quite relieved!
[Exit BAXTER]
KRYTEN
What've I done!?
[-- 21 - Int. Red Dwarf medibay ------------------------------------16:13--]
[LISTER, RIMMER present]
[The pair are laid in hospital beds and hooked up to I.V.'s]
RIMMER
Uaaahhhhh...
[Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN]
[KOCHANSKI is sat in a wheelchair, which KRYTEN is pushing. In an
attempt to look like legitimate patients, both are dressed in white gowns,
KOCHANSKI has a large saucepan apparently stuck over her head, and KRYTEN's
head has been dotted with blue blobs of Blu-tak]
KOCHANSKI
Baxter's out to mash you - you've got to escape. We all have.
KRYTEN
Security's lax, here. If we can make it to the landing bay, and steal a
ship, well, Bob's your Skutter!
RIMMER
Where's the Cat?
KRYTEN
He should be getting himself hospitalised any second.
[-- 22 - Int. Mess hall --------------------------------------------16:40--]
[Three bulky prisoners are sat on a bench beside a table, eating meals from
trays]
[Enter CAT]
[CAT steps over the bench and proceeds to lever himself a space between two
of the men, his elbows, knees and feet all causing the other men obvious
annoyance as he pushes them aside. All three prisoners stare menacingly at
CAT, but say nothing. CAT gestures down the table and speaks to the man
previously in the middle of the three prisoners]
CAT
Pass the salt, would you?
[As the man looks away to get the salt, CAT grabs a handful of fries from
the burly prisoner's tray and stuffs them into his mouth. As he turns back,
the man glances at his lighter tray, then at CAT, who points past him to
the prisoner sat at the end of the table]
CAT
That guy there took some of your fries.
[Despite the ludicrous suggestion, the big man looks at the other prisoner
anyway, who stares back impassively and goes back to his meal while CAT
helps himself to the other man's tray twice more. The burly prisoner stares
at CAT again]
BIG MEAT
What in the hell are you doin' -
[BIG MEAT casts a disdainful eye at CAT's haircut]
BIG MEAT
- Shirley?
[CAT glances at the man's large stomach]
CAT
I'm stealing your fries, fatboy.
[While BIG MEAT looks on incredulously, CAT elbows past him, grabs two more
mouthfuls of fries, steals his drink to wash them down, then picks up his
sausage and bites off a chunk. CAT then grabs the spoon from BIG MEAT's
hand and takes two spoonfuls of the man's trifle before tossing the spoon
down onto the tray]
CAT
Mmm. This is good. Tasty.
[BIG MEAT stares coldly at CAT and speaks slowly and menacingly]
BIG MEAT
There ain't no one more bad-ass *evil* in the whole of hell! What makes
you think you can diss me and live?
CAT
Cos things are changin' 'round here. From now on, marshmallow ass, you're
my bitch!
[Suddenly CAT closes his eyes and thrusts his jaw out at BIG MEAT, who
simply stares at him in amazement]
BIG MEAT
Your what?
CAT
B - I - itch, 'bitch'! That's what you look like; that's what you are!
Understand?
[Again CAT squeezes his eyes shut and thrusts out his jaw, muscles tensed]
[BIG MEAT is motionless for a moment, then suddenly he seems to sag]
BIG MEAT
Okay!
CAT
What?
BIG MEAT
Anyone who tough-talks me gotta be a no-loadin' pug! You want me to be
your bitch, that's *fine* by me! Sir!
CAT
You sure you don't want to just hit me a couple of times, test me out?
BIG MEAT
No, sir! I'm your bitch! From now on I'm your jiggly-wiggly, roll-over,
sweet-patooey, honey-bun missy! I just wan' make you happy!
CAT
Then hit me!
[CAT offers his jaw desperately]
BIG MEAT
And hurt my baby's kisser? Nothin' doin'!
[BIG MEAT puts his huge arms around CAT and smiles broadly. CAT turns away
as much as he can, panic on his face]
CAT
Damn!
[-- 23 - Int. Red Dwarf medi-bay ------------------------------Raz--18:52--]
[LISTER present, RIMMER, NURSE present]
[Exit NURSE]
[Enter CAT]
[CAT presses himself up against the corner he just entered around, checking
behind him to check if the NURSE noticed anything peculiar. It's easy to see
what he's worried about - he is dressed in a nurse's yellow-checked utility
dress and white cap. Satisfied the NURSE has left, CAT totters to LISTER's
bedside on a pair of high heels and pretends to check his pulse. His eyes
closed, LISTER smiles and raises his head, then grimaces in surprise]
CAT
We can't hang around, we've gotta be out of here by five o'clock!
LISTER
What's so special about five o'clock?
CAT
Five o'clock's bed-bath time! And apparently, I'm doin' them!
[-- 24 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------19:20--]
[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]
[KRYTEN unfastens the cover of an access tube set into the wall of the
corridor and the Dwarfers file out]
[-- 25 - Int. Red Dwarf Landing bay 2 ------------------------------19:26--]
[The Dwarfers approach a dark and empty section of corridors leading
towards the landing bay. A short way along a corridor, a film of some
gelatinous, lumpy substance coats the various metal surfaces, and the whole
section steams and drips steadily as the metal corrodes away]
[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER]
KRYTEN
The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes - it's on Red Dwarf!
[Enter RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]
LISTER
How?
RIMMER
The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the one
Talia whatsername arrived on.
LISTER
We've gotta go back and tell them.
RIMMER
But what about our escape?
LISTER
It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now, they've got
a chance to work on an antidote.
RIMMER
You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you?
KOCHANSKI
No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.
RIMMER
Yeah, 'the big picture' involves you, no clothes and a haystack.
[-- 26 - Int. Central chamber, floor 13 ----------------------------20:01--]
[Prisoners, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[HOLLISTER stands on the the first level balcony that circles the chamber
and looks down at the inmates]
HOLLISTER
Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism. As
you probably know, we don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued,
so most of you will be staying behind to die. Oh, there's an apology about
that in the internal mail.
[-- 27 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------20:18--]
[Red Dwarf cruises through space, as several squadrons of Blue Midget and
Starbug transport craft stream away]
[-- 28 - Int. Landing bay 2, corroding corridor --------------------20:28--]
[KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]
[KRYTEN holds a test tube, and gingerly collects a quantity of the dark
brown, jelly-like microbe]
KRYTEN
Just as I thought. Created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass.
CAT
So all we need is a plutonium powered greenhouse and we're home free!
KRYTEN
We need an antidote. Something that can neutralise the corrosive
negativity of the microbe.
LISTER
Something with a corrosive *positivity*?
CAT
So where do we get that?
HOLLY [on LISTER's wristwatch]
There's nothing in Yellow Pages.
KOCHANSKI
A mirror universe! A universe where things are diametrically opposite to
this one. There, negative becomes positive, and a virus becomes an antidote.
[-- 29 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------20:59--]
[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present]
[KRYTEN fusses over a small device he has placed on a platform in the centre
of the room. KRYTEN powers up his machine, and a shimmering beam of light
streams from the unit and into the prism positioned in front of it. The
light emerges on the other side of the prism, circled by diminishing
concentric rings, continuing forward until it strikes a tall mirror hung on
the wall. The mirror 'ripples' as the beam perturbs its surface]
KRYTEN
If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror
universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't
know until we get there.
[LISTER gestures to RIMMER to lead on. Holding the tube of microbes in his
right hand, RIMMER steps through the mirror...]
[-- 30 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:18--]
[RIMMER present]
[...and emerges in a mirror image of the room he just left. RIMMER holds up
the test tube, surprised to see that he now holds it in his left hand, and
that its contents have turned white]
[-- 31 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:22--]
[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
[An angry pop and a flash of sparks come from KRYTEN's machine, and the beam
of light abruptly cuts off. KOCHANSKI, in the act of following RIMMER,
finds herself colliding with a suddenly solid mirror]
[-- 32 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:25--]
[RIMMER present]
[RIMMER notices the mirror solidify behind him and spins around, panicked.
He checks the now-solid surface closely, but there's nothing he can do]
[-- 33 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:28--]
[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
[The machine fizzles and pops, showering sparks and sending a cloud of smoke
spiralling upwards]
KRYTEN
It's overloaded! We've lost Mister Rimmer!
CAT
At last, things are looking up!
LISTER
How long's it going to take to fix that thing?
KRYTEN
Well, best guess, about twenty minutes.
[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:39--]
[RIMMER looks around the room. We see a close up on a TV screen, which is
showing an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is carrying
a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet that kicks its legs and howls
melodramatically.
There is a knock on the door. RIMMER realises what is going on, and dives
to the bed, taking off his boots. The caller knocks again, while RIMMER
finds a blanket tucked behind a pillow on the bed]
[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Corridor outside recovery room ------22:00--]
[CREWMEMBER present]
[Close up: a CREWMEMBER knocks again on the door]
[-- 35 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------22:02--]
[RIMMER has managed to slip under the blanket. The door slides open and
RIMMER hastily grabs the microbe tube and stuffs it under the blanket]
[Enter MIRROR HOLLISTER]
[M.HOLLISTER is carrying a tray with a drink and clipboard on it, and smiles
sycophantically]
M.HOLLISTER
Can I come in, sir?
I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear?
Here's your hot lemon, sir.
[RIMMER takes a sip, before handing the glass back and glancing at the
insignias on M.HOLLISTER's shirt]
RIMMER
Thank you, erm... Private... nobody.
M.HOLLISTER
Oh, er, a few directives to sign, sir.
RIMMER
Of course, laddie.
[RIMMER takes the clipboard and turns to the second page, then scowls]
RIMMER
A free pardon, exonerating you from all crimes?
[RIMMER tears out the false directive and throws it away. M.HOLLISTER exhales
loudly]
M.HOLLISTER
Oohhh, I don't know how that got in there, sir, I, er... I...
RIMMER
Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie?
M.HOLLISTER
Oh, sir, could I? One day, could I be?
RIMMER
No, I don't think you could.
[RIMMER takes a pen and tries to sign a directive, but his arm refuses to
control the pen properly]
RIMMER
Of course, it's a mirror universe, everything's opposite...
[RIMMER puts the pen in his left hand and signs the directive. Suddenly, a
thought occurs to him and he grins excitedly. Lifting the blanket, he
glances downwards, stares intently for a few moments and swallows]
RIMMER
My God... this is gonna take some getting used to...
[Enter MIRROR TALIA]
M.TALIA
They said it was okay to drop by...
You look wonderful...
RIMMER
So do you...
[To M.HOLLISTER:] That'll be all, shambles.
M.HOLLISTER
Yes, sir.
M.TALIA
You made Captain -
[Exit MIRROR HOLLISTER]
M.TALIA
You've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps.
RIMMER
So have I!
M.TALIA
Let me kiss you.
[As M.TALIA leans forward, RIMMER grabs her eagerly and presses her lips to
his in a passionate kiss. Immediately, though, the woman tries to squirm
away, making muffled protests. RIMMER realises the problem and releases
her]
M.TALIA
What are you doing!?
RIMMER
I'm giving you a big, wet snog, with oodles of Tommy-tongue!
M.TALIA
But I'm your sister!
[Shock paints RIMMER's face, and he sits bolt upright in the bed]
RIMMER
Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you. I, erm...
M.TALIA
You French-kissed me!
RIMMER
No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgium-kissed you. I - I - I... urrrgghh...
I've been really ill... You're the Captain's sister?
[RIMMER begins to hyperventilate, then passes out. Seconds later, he lets
out an abrupt groan and sits up again]
RIMMER
Oh, my god, what a terrible dream!
Oh, hi, sis! It's me, Arnie, your bro! Get your big ol' lumpy bum down
here and give'us a big hug!
[RIMMER reaches out, catching M.TALIA's nose between his fingers playfully
and shaking her head, but she pulls her nose free and backs away, appalled]
M.TALIA
Captain Rimmer! I am Sister Talia Garrett; your personal spiritual
advisor!
[M.TALIA lets out a strained whimper and flees]
[Exit M.TALIA]
RIMMER
Sis! Sister... whoever you are!
Oh, smeg!
[-- 36 - Int. Mirror universe, Science office ----------------------24:50--]
[MIRROR KOCHANSKI present]
[M.KOCHANSKI sits at a desk engrossed in a magazine. In this mirror
universe, she has tumbling blonde curls, and is wearing a pink satin
blouse]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
Excuse me?
M.KOCHANSKI
Yes?
[M.KOCHANSKI speaks in a nasal voice, and doesn't look up from her magazine]
RIMMER
I wonder, could you tell me what this is?
[M.KOCHANSKI frowns at the tube RIMMER holds up]
M.KOCHANSKI
You'll have to ask the professor, then. He does all that stupid, sciencey
brain-box type stuff.
[A door, marked 'HAZARD AREA' mirrored backwards, swings open]
[Enter MIRROR CAT]
[The MIRROR CAT is wearing a tweed suit, bow tie and glasses, and wears his
hair in a short afro cut]
M.CAT
Somebody call?
RIMMER
Professor!?
M.CAT
Yes, Captain?
RIMMER
Perhaps you could help me. What's this?
[RIMMER hands him the test tube, which M.CAT sniffs]
M.CAT
Hmm.
[M.CAT glances at the tube under a microscope, then holds it up once more
and frowns at the contents]
M.CAT
Hmmm, its an alkali.
RIMMER
Oh yes? What's it called?
M.CAT
Soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide.
You look surprised.
RIMMER
I never thought I'd ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me?
M.CAT
Certainly.
[To M.KOCHANSKI:] Can I have an extremely *long* piece of paper, my dear?
[-- 37 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------25:36--]
[The mirror universe machine has apparently been fixed. It sends its beam
through the mirror once more, and is working well enough to allow RIMMER's
leg to pass through the glass, quickly followed by the rest of him]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER is holding the piece of paper with the formula, but appears to have
left his test tube behind. As he enters the room fully, the beam of light
from KRYTEN's machine fades away and disappears]
RIMMER
The antidote; I did it!
[RIMMER quickly realises that the room is empty. More worryingly, red
warning lights pulse over the metal walls of the corridor outside.
[-- 38 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room -----------------------25:44--]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from
ruptured pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship
trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all
around. RIMMER pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in
panic]
RIMMER
Wha - Where is everyone?
DISPENSER
They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You're
the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I *suppose* that makes
you Captain - congratulations, Cap.
RIMMER
Smeg off!
[-- 39 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------26:05--]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER dashes back into the recovery room but realises that the device is
off and the doorway to the mirror universe is closed. He glances at t
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Season 8 Episode 8, Only the Good.
Season 8 Episode 7, Peter Part 2
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 7 -- PETE, part 2
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.3
5 - 6 April, 1999
Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
http://www.matrixcity.org
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
"Last time on Red Dwarf"
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Several crewmembers stand stock-still. A pingpong game was obviously in
progress, too. Two crewmen are hunched over the table, and the ball hangs
motionless and unsupported in the air just in front of one of the players]
[Enter LISTER, RIMMER, BIRDMAN]
[BIRDMAN has found a cage for PETE, and carries it with him]
RIMMER
What happenned to everyone?
LISTER
It's like they're all frozen on the spot.
RIMMER
Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her.
LISTER
Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy!
[LISTER plucks the pingpong ball from mid-air, tosses it up in the air and
catches it then pockets it]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KOCHANSKI
We've found this machine that can digitise Time, and we can release jets
of it [...]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN
It seems to have restored your hair to a previous Time period to the rest
of you.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
CAT
[...] It was an accident!
[Spinning CAT around, BAXTER shoves him head first through the dispensing
hatch, before addressing the voice-recognition unit]
BAXTER
Hot Bovril!
CAT
Aaaagghhh!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
CAT
[...] Fix him with the Time wand!
KRYTEN
Watch this!
[KRYTEN zaps BAXTER's dinner tray, turning the man's cooked chicken into
something alive and clucking. Startled, BAXTER sweeps the chicken off the
table, turning to glare at his pals who are laughing loudly. He elbows the
man beside him in the face]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
BIRDMAN
And this is Pete.
[...]
BIRDMAN
The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im!
LISTER
He really loved that bird, it was only thing that kept him going.
KRYTEN
I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think the Time Wand could bring him
back to life; make him young and strong again.
Watch:
[KRYTEN taps instructions into the Time Wand, then zaps Pete's cage. There's
is a huge explosion - the bird disappears, and Birdman is sent sprawling,
losing his glasses in the process. As Birdman scrabbles around on the
floor, and the Dwarfers stand over the smoking remains of the cage, there
is a resounding boom as a gargantuan, scaly foot slams down onto the deck]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Roaring menacingly, a massive Tyranosaurus Rex towers above the amazed
humans, who begin backpeddling almost unconsciously]
LISTER
Where the *hell* did Barney's ugly brother come from??
KRYTEN
From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod
family. I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years!
[...]
[Still without his glasses, Birdman suddenly finds a large, bird's foot-like
object scant inches from his face. He reaches out and fumbles at Pete's
smooth central claw]
BIRDMAN
[...] Is that you, Pete?
KOCHANSKI
Birdman!
[Pete eats BIRDMAN]
KRYTEN
What now, sir?
RIMMER
Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN
Hey! Hey! Pete, eat me! Here!
Bob! Bob, catch!
[KRYTEN throws the TIme Wand to the SKUTTER, who catches it in its claw]
LISTER
Bob!
[Pete, towing over the Skutter, leans down and swallows the robot whole]
KRYTEN
Bob!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
LISTER
Come on Kryten, hurry up!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Inside Pete, BOB the SKUTTER breaks the surface of a vat of stomach acids,
waggling his empty claw momentarily, BOB lowers himself into the depths
once more]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[LISTER holds open the large food bay doors long enough for KRYTEN to dash
through, then seals them closed. Pete bashes his head against them, and
they buckle as if made of rubber]
KRYTEN
Leg it mode, sir!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]
LISTER
We've lost the time wand.
CAT
How the hell're we going to get rid of that thing now?
RIMMER
We're finished!
LISTER
Stop yelling, man, we've gotta think our way out of this.
RIMMER
We're finished!
LISTER
Shut up and get a grip, man!
RIMMER
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just - I was - Look, I'm better now.
Can I just say one thing?
LISTER
Yeah, go on.
RIMMER
We're finished!
LISTER
Holl, we need some advice, man. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was
formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody
Woodpecker is in it's stomach. What's your take on the situation?
HOLLY
What do you want, the long or the short version?
LISTER
Ooh... long.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLY
You're finished.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
CAT
What's the short version??
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLY
'Bye.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KOCHANSKI
Kryten?
KRYTEN
Er, yes, ma'am?
KOCHANSKI
How long, in the normal course of things, will it take for Pete to pass
the Time Wand out of his system?
KRYTEN
Well, strangely enough, ma'am, I don't have that information in my
database. My programmers, for some insane reason, decided that 'dinosaur
bowel movement frequency' tables wouldn't be required. Imbeciles!
LISTER
Why? What's your suggestion?
KOCHANSKI
Well, the quicker we get the Time Wand back, the better, right?
LISTER
Right.
KOCHANSKI
Right. So, why don't we lure Pete into the food bay and get him to eat
some roughage!
CAT
Get a T-Rex to eat roughage?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah! All-Bran, prunes, baked beans on toast, that sort of stuff.
RIMMER
We can't even get Lister to eat that sort of stuff, let alone a seven-ton
dinosaur!
KOCHANSKI
Look, the more roughage, the quicker we get the Time Wand back. Have you
got any better ideas?
RIMMER
Yes, I have got a better idea, actually. I'm going to kill myself.
LISTER
We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead.
RIMMER
Keep him quiet? He's rampaging about the food decks making more noise
than two yodelling champions on honeymoon!
Everyone on the ship will have heard him by now.
KRYTEN
But, sir, the crew are frozen, operating on a different Time stream. Now,
if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before
the freeze expires, no one need be any the wiser.
CAT
He's right. I just listened to everthing he said and I still ain't got a
clue what's happenning.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[SKUTTER catches buttons on the Time Wand and unfreezes the crew]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[CAT is at the controls of a JMC fork-lift truck, and KRYTEN shouts
directions. The Dwarfers have converted a huge, bright yellow, inflatable
dinghy into a temporary food bowl - a large 'D I N O' has been scrawled on
the side, and the thing is full to the brim with hideous brown watery
substance]
KRYTEN
Right over, sir. We don't want a gap. Right over.
[CAT throws a lever, and the fork-lift lowers a frozen whole cow slowly into
the mixture]
RIMMER
Cow vindaloo? It's not gonna work.
LISTER
Of course it's gonna work.
RIMMER
T-Rex's don't like curry.
LISTER
They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries. If a T-Rex was a
bloke he'd be a Geordie. The kind of guy who wears t-shirts in the middle of
winter and his nipples don't even get hard.
RIMMER
A seven-ton Theropod is not going to eat Indian food. They like flesh.
Preferably living, liberally coated in blood with a side-order of
intestines, and an extra portion of blood.
A bit like the French in that respect.
LISTER
Look, we've got nothing to lose. And if the worst comes to the worst, and
the dino doesn't it, I'll scoff it myself.
[Pete suddenly breaks a foot through the bottom of the once-sealed doors]
LISTER
That door's not gonna hold out much longer.
RIMMER
If only that damn T-Rex felt like I do now; he wouldn't even *need* a
curry.
[CAT and KRYTEN are pouring bags of bran into the jerry-rigged food bowl]
LISTER
Don't put that stuff in, you're gonna spoil the taste!
KOCHANSKI
Here he comes!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Pete takes an experimental sniff at the contents of the bowl, then begins
slurping noisily]
LISTER
It's loving it!
Maybe we should have made some poppadums, gone the whole hog?
CAT
The whole hog? Like it wasn't hard enough getting the whole cow?
[Pete raises his head high and shakes it]
LISTER
I think he wants a lager.
[Pete abruptly stops moving, then lowers his head slowly. Suddenly, his eyes
bug out, his nostrils flare and lets out a piercing screech]
LISTER
It was a hot one, but with it being a dino I thought it could stand it!
[Yowling piteously, Pete stomps back and forth looking for relief. Finally
he smashes through an iron wall and disappears from view]
[Enter GUARDS]
KRYTEN
The Time freeze on the guards must have... If only those buttons were
more clearly marked!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
The rules about dinosaurs aboard JMC mining ships are very clear. No pets.
Am I right? Am I right!?
RIMMER, LISTER
Yes, sir.
HOLLISTER
Have you any idea the damage that thing has caused?
RIMMER, LISTER
No, sir.
HOLLISTER
It has eaten our entire supply - two and a half tons - of mint-choc ice
cream. I *love* mint-choc ice cream, and that damn dino has eaten every last
bit.
RIMMER
We were just trying to get the Time Wand back, sir.
HOLLISTER
It has also eaten four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and drank all
the Coca-Cola. Guess what?
RIMMER
You love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola, sir?
HOLLISTER
I love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola.
LISTER
Sir, if you could just let us -
HOLLISTER
And do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, and then
eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred
crates of orange ice-pops, and swills the whole thing down with two thousand
gallons of a popular fizzy drink? Do you know what happens?
LISTER
It burps?
HOLLISTER
Oh, it burps. And do you know what happenned to the poor brave men who had
the misfortune to get in the way of that burp?
RIMMER
They went 'phwoooarrr!'?
HOLLISTER
It took out the entire platoon, hurling them twenty feet across the cargo
bay wall.
RIMMER
Sir, I hope this one, small dinosaur incident won't tarnish an otherwise
flawless service record, sir.
HOLLISTER
Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, two and a half
tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange
ice-pops, and swills it all down with two thousand gallons of a popular
fizzy drink, *after* it's burped?
RIMMER
It feels sick?
HOLLISTER
Oh no! It doesn't *feel* sick, Rimmer - it *is* sick!
Five of our best men nearly drowned! Two others are in hospital, concussed
by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.
LISTER
We are really, deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir.
HOLLISTER
Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo, then
eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by -
LISTER
Oh god, it didn't?
HOLLISTER
It didn't what, Lister?
LISTER
It didn't get a diarrhea attack, did it?
HOLLISTER
One hundred percent correct! And, do you know what happenned to the
battalion that was sneaking up on the beast - from behind - of which I was
a proud member? Do ya know? Do ya know what happenned?
RIMMER
Got a fair idea, sir.
LISTER
Yes, sir. A fair idea, sir.
HOLLISTER
A tidal wave. Fifteen feet high. I will be in therapy for the rest of my
life. I've had twelve baths, and three showers.
Now, do you have *anything* to say?
RIMMER
Yes, sir, I think you missed a bit up your left nostril, sir.
[HOLLISTER picks up the Time Wand from his desk]
HOLLISTER
No one knows how to work this thing.
It is sedated in the cargo bay - turn it back into a sparrow!
LISTER
Sir, erm, what about Bob? Did he show up?
HOLLISTER
Who the hell do you think landed on my head? He is in repairs, being
oiled.
Bring back the sparrow, and, if you try anything smart, you're dead.
RIMMER, LISTER
Yes, sir.
HOLLISTER
And, if I ever, ever, *ever*, see you in this office again, you are
finished. See ya in ten minutes?
[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]
HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?
[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]
HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?
[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]
HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?
[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]
HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?
[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]
HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KOCHANSKI
Did you get punishment duty too?
KRYTEN
I've got to iron eight-hundred prison smocks. I don't understand...
KOCHANSKI
Ohh...
KRYTEN
Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward?
Eight-hundred! Bliss!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
LISTER
Did you see the Captain's report? The one lying open on his desk? See what
it said about you?
He used the word 'imbecile' four times in one sentence.
RIMMER
Oh yeah? What were the other words in the sentence?
LISTER
Just your name, and a dash.
RIMMER
I don't know, you make a couple of tiny mistakes - you give the Captain a
virus that eats all his hair off, then you accidentally turn a sparrow into
a dinosaur and you never hear the last of it!
Pssshhhhh. He really thinks I'm an imbecile? I'm finished, I'm never going
to make it into High Command now.
LISTER
It's just the people who know you who think you're an imbecile. Everyone
else thinks you're a moron.
[Enter HOLLISTER]
[RIMMER, facing away from the door, does not realise. LISTER spots him, and
begins dropping meaningful glances in the man's direction]
LISTER
He is a good Captain, though, Captain Hollister, isn't he, eh? On the
ball. Quick.
[LISTER surreptitiously points over RIMMER's shoulder, but RIMMER isn't
looking at him]
RIMMER
Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar.
LISTER
You do admire him though, don't you?
RIMMER
Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick-and-mix factory in his
quarters? A man who has a walk-in fridge? Who lists as his hobbies 'chewing'
and 'swallowing'?
LISTER
You did tell me once before, though, you do respect *him*, don't ya?
LISTER
Respect him? A man who's family crest is made up of two cream buns and a
profitarole? A man who's idea of a light snack --
He's standing behind me, isn't he?
HOLLISTER
Yes, he is.
[RIMMER leaps to his feet and stands to attention]
RIMMER
I was just talking about you, sir. I was saying what a big fat lump of
blubber I think you are, and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday
doesn't appear to have had any strange side-effects whatsoever -
[RIMMER suddenly appears to be seized by a spasm. His head tosses wildly
and he makes unintelligable sounds as his lips and cheeks flap. HOLLISTER
watches and waits, unimpressed]
HOLLISTER
You forgot this. You left it in my office. D'you have any idea the damage
that this could cause if it got into the wrong hands?
LOOK AFTER IT!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]
[KOCHANSKI is crouched over on her floor, staring under her bunk and poking
a broom into the dark corners beneath]
KOCHANSKI
You're there, I *know* you're there, you little sod!
Come on, out! Out!
[Enter KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
There's a mouse under here, its been scuttling around for about ten
minutes.
KRYTEN
It's not a mouse, ma'am, it's Archie.
KOCHANSKI
Archie?
KRYTEN
My penis. It must have escaped.
KOCHANSKI
You know, I'm really going to have to get my ears syringed; do you know
what that sounded like to me?
KRYTEN
I made one.
KOCHANSKI
Forget my ears, maybe my whole *brain* needs syringing... You made one?
KRYTEN
Mmm. Out of an old electron board, a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic
and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, why do you want one?
KRYTEN
It's so humiliating, being posted to the Women's Wing just because I'm
genitally challenged! So I decided to make one like Mister Lister's.
Little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop and made
a break for it during the night.
KOCHANSKI
No wonder I couldn't lure him out with a bit of cheese. This whole thing's
making sense now.
KRYTEN
Just leave this to me, ma'am.
Here, Archie! Here, boy!
KOCHANSKI
There he is!
[A small, gibbering critter suddenly hurls itself out and across the floor,
tears around the room like a miniature whirlwind and shoots back under the
bunk, where KRYTEN traps it under a bucket. Undeterred, the gibbering thing
nudges the bucket out from under the bunk, lurches around for a moment,
then whizzes out of the cell door and down a corridor]
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, do you realise what this means?
KRYTEN
No, ma'am.
KOCHANSKI
It means you're a real man.
KRYTEN
It does? Why?
KOCHANSKI
Because now, like all men, you have absolutely no control over your penis.
KRYTEN
I'm so proud!
Archie, come back!
[Enter GUARD]
GUARD
All right, girls? New Canary mission.
KOCHANSKI
What?
GUARD
Un-tamed dino on the loose!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KOCHANSKI
We're not going in 'till we know what we're doing.
RIMMER
That could take years...
[KOCHANSKI spots LISTER toying with the Time Wand]
KOCHANSKI
You... point that thing at yourself and you could end up as a - a - sperm!
Is that what you want?
CAT
Hell no! None of my suits will fit!
KILL CRAZY
Well, if that gizmo thing don't work, Captain says we gotta go in and 'ave
that thing.
BAXTER
And we ain't usin' no guns.
KILL CRAZY
Yeah, huns are for wusses. It's gonna be hand-to-hand combat.
[KILL CRAZY performs a few amateur martial arts moves]
RIMMER
A fistfight with T-Rex..?
KILL CRAZY
Yeah, but them T-Rexes, mate... only got little arms, in't they... ain't
got no reach... Yeah, I'll just pick it off...
Bosh!
[KILL CRAZY enthusiastically punches the air a few times]
BAXTER
Can't reach anyfin' with them little arms.
RIMMER
That's probably why they're always a bit grumpy...
[RIMMER mimes trying to reach down his body with a T-Rex's small forearms]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[The Dwarfers, with their Canary troop, scramble along a corridor]
[Suddenly, CAT pulls up short, shock and terror on his face]
CAT
Oh my god..!
KOCHANSKI
What!
CAT
Something's wrong!
LISTER
What d'you mean, man??
CAT
Something's inside me and it wants to get out!
KOCHANSKI
Oh my god!
CAT
Aaaarrggg! Help!!
[Tearing his clothes open, CAT sinks to the ground and falls onto his back.
sure enough, a strange, gibbering thing is wiggling around under CAT's
shirt]
RIMMER
What is it??
KRYTEN
I think it's Archie, sir.
LISTER
It's who?
KOCHANSKI
He escaped earlier - probably followed us. Must have dozed off in the
Cat's pocket and just woken up.
LISTER
Who the smeg is Archie?
KRYTEN
Oh, don't be alarmed, sir. It's just my penis is on the loose.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KILL CRAZY, BAXTER
Yaaarrrggg!!
[The crazed pair leap out from the wall of the corridor, separating RIMMER
and LISTER from the others, and squaring off with them]
BAXTER
We, want a barny with Barney - don't want any sane people spoilin' it...
KILL CRAZY
Death... or glory... yee-harr!
LISTER
Hang on guys, come on, wait a minute...
[BAXTER grabs the TIme Wand from Lister, and grunts ineffectually as he
stabs buttons stupidly on its control panel. Sparks and spurts of blue
electrical light splash over RIMMER and LISTER, apparently without effect]
BAXTER
This thing's useless!
[BAXTER tosses the Time Wand over his shoulder. BAXTER grabs LISTER's face
and pulls him close to his own. KILL CRAZY similarly grabs RIMMER]
BAXTER
Say goodbye to your teeth...
[BAXTER draws his fist back and punches LISTER solidly in the mouth, but
then grabs his hand, wincing in pain as LISTER doesn't move. He punches
again, with as little effect as his first]
LISTER
Something's not right... we're gettin' our butts kicked and it doesn't
hurt..?
[BAXTER lands a third punch on LISTER's mouth, still with no effect]
LISTER
See, look, I'm not even bleeding.
[KILL CRAZY tries his luck, landing a fist first in RIMMER's gut, then
across his mouth. RIMMER looks at him disdainfully]
RIMMER
You're right...
[BAXTER tries a change of tactics, grabs LISTER by his lapels and tries
pushing him backwards. After a few seconds gasping, he gives up. KILL CRAZY
tries the same on RIMMER, also to no avail. Simultaneously, the two psychos
land a stomach punch then a cross to the jaws of LISTER and RIMMER, then
stare incredulously as the pair grin back at them]
[KRYTEN is checking the Time Wand's control panel]
KRYTEN
According to this, sirs, they've put your bodies on a different Time
stream to the rest of you.
BAXTER
Let's go!
[KILL CRAZY and BAXTER turn and sprint away, passing KRYTEN and snatching
the Time Wand from his hands as they pass. Several other Canaries follow
them]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. -
Season 8, Episode 6. Pete Part 1
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 6 -- PETE, part 1
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.4
26 March, 1999
Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
http://www.matrixcity.org
Credits for corrections:
Brett Dunbar
[-- 1 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- 2 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- 3 - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, GOVENOR ACKERMAN present]
[ENTER LISTER, RIMMER]
HOLLISTER
I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much respected
officer yesterday.
RIMMER
That is just not true, sir. We played a prank on Mister Ackerman, sir -
Oh, I *see*...
HOLLISTER
What happenned?
LISTER
We inserted a capsule of the truth serum, sodium pentathol, into his
asthma inhaler, sir.
HOLLISTER
Ah, which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologised for
being late, saying he'd been having 'jiggy-jiggy' with the Science Officer's
wife, and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit...
RIMMER
Permission to snigger, sir?
HOLLISTER
Permission refused.
RIMMER
May have to snigger anyway, sir...
[The pair bow their heads and proceed to do just that]
HOLLISTER
Do either of you have anything to say?
LISTER
About what, sir?
HOLLISTER
About Mister Ackerman! About him being late, and wearing a Batman outfit?
LISTER
Has he considered being Tarzan? Costume change'd be much quicker.
HOLLISTER
You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig. Do you *want* to
get out? Ever?
LISTER
It's that Mister Ackerman's so... ... *horrible*, sir.
ACKERMAN
I am *not*, sir! I'm extremely nice! Lovely, in fact. Warm; caring, but
most of all, nice. Hence my nickname: 'Nicey' Ackerman. That's why I entered
the service, sir; so I could share my sunny disposition with *inmate scum*
who didn't have my start in life.
RIMMER
Sir, he's been horrible since the day we first met him:
[-- 4 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Flashback to the Dwarfer's first day in the Tank. The inmates are lined
up at the base of a circular chamber]
ACKERMAN
Today, we have a new intake. To them, I say: obey the rules; keep out of
trouble, and you time here will pass much more pleasantly. Welcome to Floor
13.
CAT
Seems like a nice guy!
[ACKERMAN steps up to CAT, suddenly elbows him in the stomach, thumps him
several times with his nightstick, then hauls him to his to his feet]
ACKERMAN
If you want to speak, ask my permission.
CAT
I was just saying how nice you seemed!
ACKERMAN
You spoke again.
[Enter WARDEN KNOT]
[ACKERMAN and KNOT proceed to beat CAT with fists and nightsticks, drawing
winces from RIMMER and LISTER. ACKERMAN draws CAT upright again]
CAT
But I was paying you a compliment, buddy! I was saying how you seemed to
be a fair-minded, okay kind of guy; not one of these psycho-types you
sometimes get running around prisons.
[ACKERMAN seems concerned that somehow he is being misunderstood, but this
soon passes in favour of an amused smile]
ACKERMAN
You spoke again!
[He and KNOT lay into the clueless feline once more. A guard from the rear
of the lines joins in. CAT struggles to reach up and tap LISTER on the
shoulder]
CAT
Come on, dude, back me up!
[LISTER does his best to ignore events, and left to his own devices, CAT
suddenly realises something]
CAT
Hang on, wait! I get it, I should shut up! If I shut up they'll stop
hitting me.
[CAT takes a deep breath and exaggeratedly clamps his mouth shut. Instantly
his assailants stop their blows. ACKERMAN nods approvingly, sets CAT back
onto his feet and stands him back in line. CAT smiles with satisfaction at
working out this conundrum]
CAT
That is definitely the key!
[CAT is grabbed from behind by ACKERMAN, KNOT and the guard, and a second
GUARD steps in to assist in the renewed pummeling]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[HOLLISTER, ACKERMAN, RIMMER, LISTER present]
ACKERMAN
That is totally untrue, sir!
HOLLISTER
Save it.
ACKERMAN
What actually happenned -
HOLLISTER
Save it! Save it, Mister Ackerman.
I've thought long and hard about a suitable punishment, and I've come up
with this: you, and a team of your choice, will play Basketball against a
team of guards led by Mister Ackerman -
ACKERMAN
God bless you, sir.
HOLLISTER
- where you will be trounced and humiliated in front of the entire inmate
population.
RIMMER
But sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp!
HOLLISTER
You better win, then!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]
[Lister's team losing badly, guards body-checking and punching them]
[Half-time sounds]
[Score 48-3 to guards]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Okay guys, way to go!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN
Where were you?
KOCHANSKI
Where was I?
KRYTEN
You were supposed to be picking up Rice!
KOCHANSKI
I did. We're meeting up for drinks on Thursday.
KRYTEN
Not that kind of 'picking up', you ninny.
CAT
Buddies, we've gotta stop arguing, we can't lose this!
LISTER
Got it all taken care of...
RIMMER
As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice...
LISTER
Yeah, the Skutters managed to smuggles something out of the medi-lab for
us, y'know that stuff that helps impotent guys put the zest back in their
love lives?
KRYTEN
'Boing!', the virility enhancement drug!?
LISTER
That's the stuff, and we've Mickey Finn'd their drinks.
RIMMER
Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation, and, it doesn't
wear off for seven hours.
KRYTEN
For seven hours those guys are going to be like catapults!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN [OOS]
That's going to seriously slow them down.
CAT [OOS]
You're not kidding -
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
CAT
Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Get out there and kill! They're lambs to the slaughter!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Go on, go get 'em!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Dwarfer's team running rings round guards, who can't stand straight or move
fast]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Come on! Get your hands up!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[48-5]
[48-19]
[48-36]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Get your hands up, don't let them shoot! Don't let them shoot!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[48-42]
[48-49]
[48-53]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Thoroughly depressed, HOLLISTER takes a long draw from a guard's bottle of
juice, and within seconds notices a distinct feeling of movement in his
trousers]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[Enter RIMMER, LISTER]
HOLLISTER
Seven hours. Do you know how *long* that is? I couldn't remove my shorts
until after midnight! When I wanted a leak I had to do a handstand on the
toilet seat. I stopped the lift doors from closing; I wasn't even catching a
lift!
Where'd you get it, the medi-lab?
LISTER
Yes, sir.
HOLLISTER
How? If it was one of those damn Skutters I'm gonna have it crushed.
LISTER
It was, er - [coughs]
It was me, sir. When the doc's back was turned. I went up to the medi-lab
for a sicknote but the doctor thought I was feigning illness. He didn't
accept it was possible to have Athelete's Hand.
HOLLISTER
First thing tomorrow you're on spud-duty for two weeks. Now get out of my
sight, both of ya's...
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
[RIMMER has a draughts board in front of him on the table; he makes a three-
hop move, removes the captured pieces and glances over toward LISTER]
RIMMER
Ha!
[RIMMER carefully rotates the board 108-degrees, and flexes his arms before
settling down to contemplate his opposing move. LISTER is sprawled out on
his bunk, a pen hovering over the book he is looking at]
LISTER
Sheesh...
RIMMER
Stuck?
LISTER
Yeah... God, this is hard!
RIMMER
What are you doing, a crossword?
LISTER
No, join-the-dots.
RIMMER
What number are you stuck on?
LISTER
Hundred and twenty-four.
RIMMER
Hundred and twenty-four... hundred and twenty-four...
Have you tried a-hundred and twenty-five?
LISTER
I know the number, you gimboid, it's finding it that's the hard bit. I'm
not some brain-dead simpleton.
Ah! There it is.
Oh, look at that! It's a bucket and spade!
[LISTER holds the completed picture up for RIMMER's inspection]
LISTER
Look at that, it's clever that, innit?
[Enter GUARD]
RIMMER
Ah! Supper!
[Exit GUARD]
RIMMER
Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure.
RIMMER
I've seen things more appetising on the floor of elephant houses. Only a
total idiot would eat this.
[RIMMER ponders for a moment, then takes a forkful]
RIMMER
They call this meat?? My grandmothers buttocks deep-fried in chip fat
would taste better than this.
LISTER
We're on a punishment menu now. No chips, no ice-cream, just the basics.
RIMMER
Because we're on punishment detail?
LISTER
Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons they give us the cloning experiments that have
gone wrong, with some gravy slopped over to disguise it.
RIMMER
You waited until I was swallowing 'til you said that, didn't you.
LISTER
He swears blind the other day he got something with two noses in it.
RIMMER
Course he didn't. They can't do that, it's illegal.
LISTER
His starter sneezed! Jimbo Steele was a witness.
RIMMER
Kill Crazy's insane, he's got lots of strange ideas. He reckons, every
time they flush a loo on a plane it drops straight out, and that's why they
don't let you go to the lav when the plane's standing on the runway: for
fear of skid starts.
[LISTER thinks about this, and shrugs]
LISTER
He's probably right.
RIMMER
Course he isn't.
LISTER
Well why else wouldn't they let you go, then?
RIMMER
I don't know. Maybe they're helping you break up your journey. If they let
you go to the loo first off, you'd have nothing to do after you'd eaten your
cheese.
LISTER
Nah, Kill Crazy's probably right. That's why houses under the flightpath
are always so cheap.
RIMMER
Cos of all the flushing planes?
LISTER
Yeah, well, think about it: you can't sunbathe, you can't hav
Season 8 Episode 5, Krytie TV.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 5 -- KRYTIE TV
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.4
19-22 March, 1999
Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
http://www.matrixcity.org
[-- 1 - Int. The Tank, womens wing ----------------------------------x:xx--]
[GUARD present]
[Several female prisoners troup along a corridor and proceed into the
women's wing.
[Enter KRYTEN]
[KRYTEN brings up the rear, and pauses by the large sign that proclaims the
nature of their location. He glances around, obviously reluctant to enter,
but eventually does so under the stony stare of the female guard]
[Exit KRYTEN]
[-- 2 - Int. The Tank, womens wing, gymnasium -----------------------x:xx--]
[A group of female prisoners dressed in grey t-shirts and skirts are
skipping, more or less in unison. KRYTEN is also a part of the group,
dressed in similar clothes, and is scowling unhappily]
[-- 3 - Int. KOCHANSKI's cell ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- 4 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KRYTEN stands sulkily in the showers with the girls, holding an umbrella
and trying to read a book]
[-- 5 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
Inside the Tank.
[-- 6 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER present]
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
The post's arrived.
RIMMER
Brilliant; a bit of excitement at last.
LISTER
Good, eh? It's a beaut. One of the structured collepsed on m' bed. I think
it was those beans.
Oh, the mail.
Haven't had a chance to look. Anything from my mates?
RIMMER
Don't think so - there's nothing here in orange crayon with half the
letters backwards.
LISTER
Anything for you?
RIMMER
Just the usual. A couple of death threats... and I'm in the Reader's
Digest Lucky Dip. Apparently I'm 'one of the special few selected for their
Lucky Dip' -
LISTER
That'll be you and the other twelve zillion people then, will it?
RIMMER
- I've won either a holiday in Mauritious[sp], a soft-top sports car, or a
fabulous matching set of egg-cups.
"Scrape with a coin to discover which."
I've won the holiday!
LISTER
What?
RIMMER
Three million years into Deep Space, where I can't claim it, and I go
and win a smegging holiday in Mauritious!
Oh, they're taking the smeg...
LISTER
What now?
RIMMER
I've won the lottery as well.
"To collect your cheque simply bring your winning ticket to Lottery House,
24 Argyle Street." Four million!
No luck, that's my problem. No luck at all.
LISTER
It's just a wind up from the guards, to sap our morale.
RIMMER
Here's one for you.
LISTER
Who from?
RIMMER
Petersen.
My God, that is tragic.
LISTER
What's happenned to him, has he died?
RIMMER
Died? You think he'd write and tell you?
LISTER
No, you're right, you're right, you're right. I'm not thinking
straight. He'd be too busy with his funeral and everything, wouldn't he.
What's happenned to him?
RIMMER
Something catastophic, hideous.
He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here.
LISTER
Brilliant!
Are you okay?
RIMMER
Of course I'm not okay! I hate your guitar! If I wanted to share a cell
with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap
star.
LISTER
I didn't realise you thought I was that bad..?
RIMMER
Didn't you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you?
LISTER
You would have stood a better chance if you'd used the neck-end...
Anyway, you were revising; you always get a bit uptight when you're
revising.
Hey come on, come on, what about the Om Song? That was a classic!
/"Ommmmm - Ommmmm"/
RIMMER
People who heard that formed self-help groups.
LISTER
Don't give me that, they played my demo on hospital radio.
RIMMER
Yes, and three patients came out of comas, packed their bags and went home.
[Enter GUARD]
[The GUARD carries a black electric guitar, which he hands to LISTER]
[Exit GUARD]
LISTER
Hey-hey! The axe-man is *back*! You beaut!
Hang on! There's no strings! They've confiscated the strings!
RIMMER
I feel like a man who leaps out of a plane with no parachute and lands in
the hot-tub at the Playboy mansion.
LISTER
Why would they take my strings..? It doesn't make sense...
RIMMER
Prison regs. You're not allowed anything you can hang yourself with.
LISTER
I wouldn't want to hang myself if I had my guitar strings.
RIMMER
I think they were thinking of me.
Maybe my luck's changing... at last, a break.
[Enter GUARD]
GUARD
Oh, by the way; I forgot: for you.
[The GUARD hands an envelope to LISTER]
[Exit GUARD]
LISTER
"Because of the nature of your crime", blah - blah - blah - blah - blah,
whr - wh - wh - wh - wh, "we are willing to review your case"! "For this
process to be successful you would need a record of good behaviour, and
accept the consequence that a successful appeal would mean similar amnesty
for prisoner colleagues in your situation."
RIMMER
Yess!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, KILL CRAZY, several other Canaries
present]
[HOLLY present, on a wall monitor]
KOCHANSKI
Well, thanks to Kill Crazy, that was the least enjoyable suicide mission
I've ever been on.
KILL CRAZY
I was standing there, right, and right in fron of me was this weird sort
of mutant thing, with, like, two heads and all these tenticles. Yeah; it
took one look at me and then ran off! Why d'you think it done that?
KRYTEN
You don't know what it's like, being classified as a woman, sir. The
humiliation.
LISTER
I know, I know.
KRYTEN
I mean, why should I - a Series 4000 mechanoid - have to endure the turgid
monotony of showering with the girls? Three times a week! Tell me that!
LISTER
It's not fair, I know! It's just that -
You shower with the girls?
KRYTEN
Oh! It's so hideously dull I can't describe it, as they stand around
soaping themselves. Their bodies all wet and foamy.
Can you imagine it?
Oh my goodness, we've been frozen in time again!
Hello?
Extraordinary! It must be a warp in the time-space continuum! How curious
it isn't affecting me...
RIMMER
We're not frozen in time, Krytie - we were just thinking about what you
were saying...
HOLLY
It's time like this that make me thankful I'm just a head.
KILL CRAZY
Oi, droid-boy, oi; next time you're in the showers, why don't you -
y'know - smuggle in a camera and film 'em, eh? Yeah, that'd be brilliant!
Oi, I haven't seeen a naked woman since... well, ever.
Yeah, I'd pay you... wha'd'ya say?
RIMMER
No, I forbid it!
LISTER
Yeah, me -
What?
RIMMER
It's voyeuristic, exploitative, and immature.
HOLLY
All right, who are you? And what have you done with *our* Rimmer?
RIMMER
Gentlemen, allow me to clairify my position. Morally speaking, using a
hidden camera in the women's showers, taking shots of them sudding
themselves with mounds of foam, without their permission, morally speaking -
I'm speaking morally, here - I'm all in favour! However, Listy has been
invited to appeal and a scam like this could ruin it.
CAT
Appeal?
LISTER
Yeah, I'm appealing.
HOLLY
That's a minority view.
RIMMER
Look, if he's successful, we can all be successful. We've just got to be
model prisoners.
KILL CRAZY
Screw his appeal! I wanna see skin!
CAT
Yeah! Wha'd'ya say, bird-tray head?
KRYTEN
Are you asking me to betray the people I live with? To ignore their
humanity and reduce them to mindless sex objects, merely there for your
moronic titilation?
CAT
Yes, please!
KRYTEN
If you'll excuse me, I forgot who I was for a moment.
KILL CRAZY
Wait, what you doing?
KRYTEN
I'm a woman, and proud of it. If you'll excuse me, I'll with my fellow
sisters, doing it for ourselves!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[All Canaries, GOVENOR ACKERMAN, guards, wardens present]
GOVENOR ACKERMAN
I'm going to make this quick, and easy.
Last night, on D-wing, I was beaten up, and mugged.
You have one chance. I'm going to turn the lights off for precisely ten
seconds, during which I want whoever took it ... to return my glass eye.
[He places a bucket on the ground in front of the Canaries]
GOVENOR ACKERMAN
Kill the lights.
[The chamber goes dark]
GOVENOR ACKERMAN
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six -
[The sound of an object dropped into the bucket is heard, and the lights
snap on. No one appears to have moved]
GOVENOR ACKERMAN
I'm glad to see good sense prevailed.
[The GOVENOR reaches into the bucket and takes out a pair of false teeth]
GOVENOR ACKERMAN
I have a date with Miss Patricia Carling from Supplies on Saturday night.
She thinks my eyes are my best feature. If I go like this, I'M ONLY HALF
LOVELY!
If it's not returned within thirty seconds; all Canary priviliges
suspended. One month.
RIMMER
I know who stole your left peeper, sir.
It was him, sir.
[RIMMER points at a prisoner standing off to his right]
RIMMER
I saw him playing marbles with it this morning, sir.
[The man RIMMER indicated takes a swing at him, which RIMMER ducks. The man
is siezed by guards and dragged away]
GOVENOR ACKERMAN
Thank you, Rimmer.
[Exit GOVENOR, guards, wardens]
KOCHANSKI
Have you gone mad? You don't rat on other inmates, its an unwritten law.
RIMMER
Look if it helps the appeal, what else matters? 'Model prisoners'?
[RIMMER has just enough time to finish his sentence before being pounced on
by the other prisoners. The sounds of thumps and kicks issue, and the
picture, much like RIMMER's consciousness, fades away]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[As KRYTEN waddles along a walkway, someone drops a crumpled-up piece of
paper]
KRYTEN
Would the sky really fall in if people just tidied up a little?
[As KRYTEN drops the rubbish into a disposal chute and turns away, and arm
reaches out of a maintenance hatch and bounces a spanner off his his head
with a clang that resounds convincingly. KRYTEN drops to the gound and is
dragged away by persons unknown]
[-- xx - Int. Tank rec. room ----------------------------------------x:xx--]
[A trailer runs for an old, black-and-white sci-fi flick]
[LISTER, RIMMER, CAT, many other prisoners present]
LISTER
Looks like another pearl, eh?
CAT
Why do they always show us these lousy B-movies?
RIMMER
To sap our morale. Next week its the Gearge Formbey season.
"Get your hanging rope now, while there's still some left - heh-hey!"
[Suddenly the film cuts off and is replaced by a rough, amateur looking shot
of KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Good evening. Tonight's scheduled feature has been cancelled, and replaced
with a special, live, pay-per-view event brought to you courtesy of "Krytie
TV"! Transmitting live via my optical receptors, we bring you live, and
lithe, Womens Shower Night!
CAT
Are they really gonna show this? No way! This is a joke, right? This isn't-
Oh, momma...
LISTER
You know what this means, don't you?
CAT
There is a God?
LISTER
They got to him, they reprogrammed Kryten.
[Overhearing, KILL CRAZY turns to look at LISTER and grins broadly]
RIMMER
If we get caught watching this your appeal's dead in the water.
LISTER
Forget the appeal.
CAT
I already have!
LISTER
What about Kris? She's never gonna believe I wasn't involved in this!
We've gotta stop it.
RIMMER
You're right, I want no part of this.
LISTER
Me neither.
RIMMER
We've gotta go.
LISTER
Right now.
RIMMER
Not a minute to lose.
LISTER
I'm dust.
RIMMER
Me too.
After two. One, two, go!
KRYTEN
And now, I'm gonna stare at a cracked floor tile.
KILL CRAZY
What's he doing that for!?
KRYTEN
Remember, Shower Night is a pay-per-view event. Start filling those
buckets!
RIMMER
I can't believe this, he's running it like a business! There's even a
bloke over there selling ice-creams.
LISTER
Never mind him. Now. We've gotta go, right now.
RIMMER
I'm going, I'm going.
KRYTEN
But now, lets get up-close and personal with one of the shower-ees, Miss
Kristine Kochanski...
RIMMER
Fancy a choc-ice?
[-- xx - Int. Kryten's cell -----------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KRYTEN present]
[Enter GUARD, LISTER]
KRYTEN
Okay; splendid. Later.
GUARD
Mister Kryten; visitor, sir.
[Exit GUARD]
LISTER
Kryten. Look, I know Kill-Crazy's reprogrammed you; turned you into a
ruthless entrepreneur, but I think I know how to change you back.
KRYTEN
Well, keep it to yourself, sir. I'll make it worth your while...
LISTER
Can't you see what it's done to you?
KRYTEN
It's made me rich, feared and respected. I'm loving every minute of it!
I've just bought the rights to the five-a-side soccer tournament today;
tomorrow, I'm hoping to get the boxing.
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
Ahhhh, Miss Kochanski! Good to have you back, I have a little gift for
you...
KOCHANSKI
Ooh, another one?
KRYTEN
You know you were worried about picking up verrucas in the shower room?
Well, I have the perfect solution; a waterproof pogo stick.
LISTER
This has got to stop.
KRYTEN
But the pogo stick could put the ratings through the roof, sir! Think of
the money! Think of the show!
LISTER
I'm crazy about her! I'm not gonna let you do this.
KOCHANSKI
Do what?
LISTER
How do you think Kryten got all this?
[He hands her a flyer for KRYTEN's ratings-winner]
KOCHANSKI
"Shower Night Live". Oh God, is he paying some of the girls to do this?
[KOCHANSKI grins as she scans the flyer]
LISTER
Who's that with the sponge?
[The grin disappears to be replaces with a look, first of horror, then
anger]
KOCHANSKI
That's me!
LISTER
It replaced the Wednesday night movie. I saw the whole thing; all three
terrible hours of it. It was awful.
KRYTEN
Is that the time? I've got a merchandising meeting in two minutes. Heh,
excuse me!
[Exit KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
You are dead, nickel-hydrate breath!
And you!
LISTER
What have I done?
KOCHANSKI
You were there for three hours of it!
LISTER
Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it! I was outraged. Why do you think I only had
one choc-ice?
KOCHANSKI
How could you go along with this?
LISTER
I'm only human. You were completely naked, starkers, nude, in the buff,
totally kit-less, no clothes on!
KOCHANSKI
You've seen me with no clothes on when we went out!
LISTER
Yeah, but, I wanted to see if anything had changed.
KOCHANSKI
Why didn't you just ask, instead of filming me in secret?
LISTER
Because you'll have said 'no'.
KOCHANSKI
Not necessarily. If I'd known it meant that much to you, that you needed
to see me naked so badly, I wouldn't necessarily have said 'no'.
LISTER
You wouldn't?
KOCHANSKI
No. Well, we're friends aren't we?
LISTER
It never occured to me that I could just ask. Oh, you're such a great
friend. I love being your friend.
Kris..?
KOCHANSKI
No! Not now, and now, not ever!
LISTER
But you just said -
KOCHANSKI
We're not friends any more...
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[LISTER present]
[LISTER is sat by himself at the table in the centre of the cell. Two small
bags of flour are in front of him together with some writing paper, and he
chews thoughtfully on a pen]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
Appeal applications, Listy. Character testimonials.
What's this?
LISTER
Kris found out about the shower thing; she went ballistic. It's just
a little present to say 'sorry'.
RIMMER
A bag of flour?
LISTER
No, two bags.
I'm in the Tank, in the middle of Deep Space. I can't just get on the
blower to Interflora, you know!
Flour - Flours!
It's the closest I could get.
RIMMER
You romantic fool.
LISTER
You know how hard it is getting this stuff? I had to nick this from the
bakery. She'll appreciate that.
RIMMER
I can just see her reading the card:
"Dear Kris, I'm really sorry for ogling you and the girls in the shower
yesterday for three gob-smacking hours of steamy fun. To make up for it, and
to indicate how truly sorry I am, here's two bags of self-raising. Something
I didn't need any help with yesterday."
LISTER
It's easy for you, you're not crazy about her. It's re- it's really
dibilitating, being nuts about someone. You lose twenty I.Q. points every
time you talk to them.
RIMMER
You must be nuts about a fair few people, then, are you?
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
The girls found out about Shower Night. They attacked me, cleaned out my
system and kicked me out. I've been reclassified as a man...
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KRYTEN, LISTER present]
KRYTEN
I feel terrible, sir, for endangering your appeal.
LISTER
It's not your fault, Kryten, they got to you.
KRYTEN
I presume you've heard the news about Miss Kochanski.
LISTER
What news?
KRYTEN
You haven't heard?
LISTER
Heard what?
KRYTEN
The news.
LISTER
What news?
KRYTEN
You haven't heard the news?
LISTER
Heard what news??
KRYTEN
No one's told you?
LISTER
Told me what?
KRYTEN
About Miss Kochanski?
LISTER
What about Miss Kochanski?
KRYTEN
About Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim.
LISTER
What about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim??
KRYTEN
I can't believe you don't know!
LISTER
Know what??
KRYTEN
No one told you??
LISTER
Told me what!?
KRYTEN
You mean to say that you're standing there blissfully unaware of the news
about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim?
LISTER
What news about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim!?
KRYTEN
I don't believe it.
LISTER
Believe what!?
KRYTEN
Psh, tsk - I'm so traumatised no one's had the guts to tell you the
horrible, terrible, terrible, appallingly hideous, awful news!
I'm not sure I can even speak now.
LISTER
Kryten, there's a two hundred foot drop down there; now tell me the news.
KRYTEN
Well, she's started going out with Tim again. He's taking her to the
Officer's Club tonight. Her probation permits it, providing she's back by
ten.
LISTER
Ohhh. This is all down to that shower thing, isn't it?
KRYTEN
You know what Tim's like, sir. Impossibly handsome, oozes charm, a great
lover. And you're just... you.
It's so unfair!
You must feel awful.
LISTER
Well I do now! God!
KRYTEN
You're taking this very well, sir. I - I'm really impressed.
LISTER
No I'm not, man, I'm falling apart.
KRYTEN
I know that, but I was just trying to cheer you up!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER present]
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
LISTER
What can I do?
HOLLY
You've gotta deal with your grief, man. Breakup is very much like a
bereavement: its usually followed by a cremation and some sandwiches.
LISTER
You haven't got a clue what you're on about, have you?
HOLLY
Mark my words: time is a great healer. Unless you've got a rash, in which
case you're better off with ointment.
LISTER
Look, they haven't seen each other for ages; they're only going out for a
meal. What's the worst thing that could happen?
RIMMER
How's this, Listy: a little wine, a little laughter, then its back to his
place for coffee and a game of chess. Before you know it, she's sandwiched
between two bishops and her queen's exposed to an attack from the rear.
KRYTEN
It's a tragedy.
LISTER
What are you so bothered about? I thought you hated the idea of me and her
getting it together?
KRYTEN
That was the old me, sir. I've grown and matured since then. No, the new
me wants you to have children so I can iron those itty-bitty little socks!
And you're not getting any younger, sir, and neither are your sperms. I'm
getting worried about those guys. Any older older and they'll need a
Stanner<sp> stairlift to get up the fallopian tubes!
LISTER
So what do you propose?
KRYTEN
We nail that horny stag and get you and the divine Miss K together. It's
my way of saying 'sorry'.
RIMMER
But nothing that's going to endanger the appeal...
KRYTEN
First, we sabotage the date.
LISTER
What, 'we'? You mean you're gonna help me?
Step on board the 'love express', sir!
Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the
guards. Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire
universe: this is what you leave in his quarters -
- a half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer.
LISTER
Is it? I like those.
KRYTEN
Then there's this: "Morris Dancer Monthly". What a total dweebo,
nerdmeister he'll look with those!
RIMMER
They're mine!
KRYTEN
And then there's these: tragically unfashionable underpants.
RIMMER
*They're* mine!
KRYTEN
And finally: Christian rock music. It that doesn't scare her off, nothing
will.
RIMMER
Have you been going through my things?
KRYTEN
And not forgetting...
LISTER
A pair of scissors?
KRYTEN
This is the piece de resistence...
[-- xx - Int. An officers quarters ----------------------------------x:xx--]
[scatters mags on table and sofa]
[bites sandwich then throws it under cushion]
[puts poster of a chimp sitting on a toilet on wall]
LISTER
"Frank Acissi and the Apostles" - "Hyms in Rock" -
[Kum Bayah from CD player]
[posing male statue with chain]
LISTER
Some digestive biscuit...
[lobster over lamp]
[scissors, unzips, cuts pubic hair, sprinkles on bed and on soap]
[underpants laid on bed]
[VD clinic appointment card on pillow]
LISTER
The love assassin...
[-- xx - Int. Corridor outside officer's quarters -------------------x:xx--]
[KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
What Mister Lister doesn't know, of course, is he's been set up by Krytie
TV!
[The door behid KRYTEN slides open with a hiss]
[Enter LISTER]
KRYTEN
Shh! Here he comes now!
Mister Lister!
LISTER
Kryten, is that you?
KRYTEN
You trashed that room because you believed Miss Kochanski was dating Tim,
didn't you?
LISTER
What, you mean she isn't?
KRYTEN
Look who's quarters you really trashed...
[KRYTEN taps a rapid-fire code into the pad on the wall and the door slides
shut. On it is written "MR. ACKERMAN"]
LISTER
You said the girls had restored you back to normal!
KRYTEN
Whoops! You've been Krytered!
LISTER
I've wrecked Ackerman's quarters!!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
RIMMER
THE APPEAL!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[LISTER, KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
But the surprises haven't finished yet, here on Krytie TV, because Mister
Ackerman and his red hot date are due back any second. It's a race against
time! Sir, start cleaning that room!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER present]
RIMMER
Sorry to keep droning on about this, but what about - THE APPEAL!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[LISTER present]
LISTER
Smeg!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
RIMMER
Oh smeg..!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER and LISTER swarm through ACKERMAN's quarters, undoing the mess that
LISTER created]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN
Thanks for watching, folks; see you next time!
RIMMER
There he is!
LISTER
Kryten, come here a minute...
KRYTEN
I was just trying to boost the ratings, sir!
LISTER
Get him, and bring him back to the Tank!
KRYTEN
It was nothing personal!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER present]
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
The appeal.
Oooohhhhh... YES!
RIMMER
"Dear Mister Lister, your appeal has been successful"!
"From this day forth all inmates with no record of violence or depression
will be allowed... to have strings on their guitars"...
This appeal was all about guitar strings?
LISTER
You didn't think it was about getting out of here, did you?
RIMMER
You mean to say I've been busting my balls so you can have strings on your
lousy, stinking guitar??
LISTER
You've been a brick, man. And as a personal 'thank you', I thought I'd
write you a song...
[--------------------------- END OF "KRYTIE TV" --------------------xx:xx--]
Season 8 Episode 4, Cassandra
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 4 -- CASSANDRA
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 1.0
16 - 31 March, 1999
Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
http://www.matrixcity.org
[-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--]
[Red Dwarf cruises through Deep Space]
[-- 2 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:06--]
[Inside the Tank. Slow zoom towards a huge, segmented, cylindrical tower
that houses blocks of cells]
[-- 3 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:10--]
[Enter LISTER]
[Checking behind him for the presence of guards, LISTER calls up HOLLY's
image on the cell's viewscreen then sits down at the cell's table]
[Enter HOLLY]
LISTER
Have you figured a way to get us out of here yet, Holl?
HOLLY
I have, actually, Dave. I've devoted all my runtime to looking for a
loophole in the prison regs, and I think I've come up with something that
means that you can serve your entire two year sentence in just fourteen
weeks.
LISTER
Oh brilliant, what've I got to do?
[-- 4 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:31--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
Become a dog.
[-- 5 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:33--]
[LISTER present]
LISTER
A dog?
[-- 6 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:40--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
According to my data banks, dog years are seven times shorter than human
years.
[-- 7 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:45--]
[LISTER present]
[LISTER listens with admirable patience]
[-- 8 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:46--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
As a plan you can't fault it on it's mathematics.
[-- 9 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:49--]
[LISTER present]
LISTER
No, but maybe you can fault it on the fact that I'm not a dog!
[-- 10 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------0:52--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
Yeah, but according to a twentieth century newspaper called the National
Enquirer, the operation's quite straightforward.
[-- 11 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------0:59--]
[LISTER present]
[LISTER can't help but listen as HOLLY rambles on]
[-- 12 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:01--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
A 'Roverostomy' they call it.
[-- 13 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:04--]
[LISTER present]
[His head resting in one hand now, LISTER shakes his head sadly]
[-- 14 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:05--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
There's a photograph here of a bloke who had it done.
[-- 15 - Still photograph -------------------------------------------1:09--]
[A magazine page appears. On it is a full page picture of a large, white
dog, and across the top of the page is a huge banner that reads
"Exclusive". In smaller text towards the bottom of the page is the lead-in:
"Man Becomes Dog", and the line: "Fetching pictures and full story on
page 8" is under that]
[-- 16 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:12--]
[LISTER present]
LISTER
That's a dog!
[-- 17 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:14--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
See how convincing it is? Even you're fooled!
[-- 18 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:19--]
[LISTER present]
LISTER
"Become a dog"? That is, without doubt, the stupidest, crappyest, most
pathetic plan you've come up with all week.
[-- 19 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:25--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
Give me a chance - it's only Monday.
[-- 20 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:29--]
[LISTER present]
[LISTER presses his watch stud in exasperation and HOLLY's image dissolves]
[Exit HOLLY]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER drops a hardhat on his bunk and stands with his hands on his hips,
morosely]
RIMMER
What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends, I had everything and
I threw it all away. It's a tragedy.
LISTER
What are you on about? You had none of that stuff.
RIMMER
You're right, I had none of that stuff. I had absolutely nothing and I
threw it all away. It's an even bigger tragedy!
LISTER
Look, we're only gonna get through this by being positive, by being...
what's that word women tennis players always used to reckon was so
important..? Begins with 'C'...
RIMMER
'Cunnilingus'?
LISTER
'Centred'. By being centred. Focussed. It's only two years; what, with
good behaviour it'll probably only be eighteen months. Remember when you
were first born, then you were eighteen months? The time just flashed past!
RIMMER
It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck
and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging.
[Enter GUARD]
[The GUARD is carrying a metal briefcase, which he places on the table in
front of LISTER]
LISTER
What's this?
GUARD
Canary outfits and first meeting information.
[Exit GUARD]
LISTER
I volunteered for the Canaries.
[LISTER picks up the case and carries it to his bunk where he begins
unpacking its contents]
LISTER
Some bloke came round the machine shop so I signed up.
RIMMER
The Canaries?
LISTER
Yeah, y'know, a bit of close-part harmony, and you should see the list of
privileges you get; unbelievable.
RIMMER
You don't know what the Canaries are, do you?
LISTER
Of course I do: a singing group, acappella...
/You are the sunshine of my life, ooo-ooh, that's why I'll always be
around/
[LISTER catches RIMMER's amused expression and begins to realise the
implications]
LISTER
They're nothing to do with singing, are they?
[RIMMER shakes his head, solemly]
LISTER
Holly lied to me, didn't he?
[RIMMER nods]
LISTER
Oh hey, he was taking the smeg.
RIMMER
Oh Listy! Listy, Listy, Listy!
LISTER
Well go on then, what've I signed up for?
RIMMER
In the nineteenth century, when miners went down a pit, they'd lower a
canary down first in a little cage -
LISTER
What, and make them do some mining? They were sick in the nineteenth
century, weren't they, eh? I mean, how much coal can a little canary get?
RIMMER
- And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the
canary did.
LISTER
Complained to the foreman?
RIMMER
It died, Listy. The canary's job was to go into the most dangerous,
unpleasant and smeggy situations and see if it could stay alive. Then they'd
know if it was safe to send in the important people.
LISTER
Oh, I'm gonna kill him!
RIMMER
How come you've never heard of the Canaries? They've got recruitment
posters all over the men's bogs! How come you've not seen them?
LISTER
When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look
around, y'know what I'm saying? It's like playing golf: I concentrate on my
grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side!
RIMMER
"The Canaries"... You know what they say it's supposed to stand for?
"Convicts Army Nearly All Retarded In-bred Evil Sheep shaggers"! They
haven't got an X chromosome to share between them!
LISTER
Smeg!
It gets worse as well.
[RIMMER laughs, loving LISTER's predicament]
RIMMER
Worse! Go on.
LISTER
I've signed you up, too.
[RIMMER's grin crumbles, landing in two piles of shock and outrage]
LISTER
I forged your signature, I thought I was doing you a favour.
RIMMER
Me! Why?!
LISTER
I've signed us all up. Kryten, Kris, everyone!
RIMMER
No way! No way! No way am I becoming a Canary!
[-- 21 - Int. Chamber ------------------------------------------Raz--5:15--]
[GOVENOR ACKERMAN, WARDEN KNOT, the Canaries, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[The GOVENOR and the CAPTAIN stand together on a balcony overlooking the
Canaries. All of the Canaries are dressed in their regulation outfits: dark
heavy-duty combat suit, heavy boots and gloves, with a close-fitting bright
yellow bib and padded yellow jacket that has the individual's name. KRYTEN
has obviously been allowed concessions due to his unwieldy bodyshell, and
simply wears the personalised jacket. RIMMER has taken the new uniform to
heart and wears a thick, grey quilted coat over his jacket, which has a
large Canaries patch emblazoned on the left breast]
GOVENOR
It's a great honour for floor thirteen, for today we are visited by
Captain Hollister, who has a special assignment.
KILL CRAZY
At last, some action! I've been going mental all this time, cooped up, not
killing nothing. Yes!
WARDEN KNOT
Kill Crazy, shut up, you punk!
HOLLISTER
Okay, listen up. We've located a ship, the SSS Silverburg, buried at the
bottom of an ocean moon. A remote probe has come back with no signs of a
crew, no bodily remains, no skeletons, zip. We want you guys to go on board
and, ah, find out why.
[Suddenly RIMMER steps out of line and turns back to face the Dwarfers]
RIMMER
A-one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four:
KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT
/You are the sunshine of my life, ooo-ooh, that's why I'll always be
around/ -
HOLLISTER
Rimmer!
[GOVENOR ACKERMAN scrambles down a metal staircase connecting the balcony
and the floor of the chamber]
RIMMER
Sorry, sir, we seem to have wandered into the wrong hobby group, we'll
leave immediately.
[RIMMER hisses urgently to the others:]
RIMMER
Go!
[ACKERMAN catches RIMMER, stopping him and the Dwarfers in their tracks.
He leans in close to RIMMER and hisses menacingly]
GOVENOR
Rimmer! You're here, and this is where you'll stay, now get on with it.
RIMMER
Yes, sir, thank you, sir.
[ACKERMAN hurries back up the staircase and smiles apologetically at
CAPTAIN HOLLISTER]
RIMMER
You heard what the warden said, he wants us to get on with it. From the
top!
KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT
/You are the sunshine of my life/ -
HOLLISTER
Rimmer!
[ACKERMAN quails under the CAPTAIN's obvious disapproval and bounds
down to RIMMER once again]
RIMMER
Sorry, sir, when you said get on with it I thought you meant -
GOVENOR
Shut up! You're a Canary, man! A member of the toughest convict army this
side of Pluto. I've seen custard factories that aren't as yellow as you are!
Start behaving like a man.
RIMMER
A man, sir, yes, of course, sir, a man... a man. Perhaps if you could
remind me, sir, it will all come back?
[WARDEN KNOT leans in from off screen, and appears to reach out and grab
something in front of RIMMER, just off the bottom of shot. Judging from
RIMMER's agonised wince, and KNOT's intense frown and the cracking of his
joints, something extremely sensitive is being gripped extremely hard.
After several awkward moments, KNOT lets go, RIMMER hobbles delicately
back into line and ACKERMAN scurries back up to the balcony]
GOVENOR
Continue, Captain.
HOLLISTER
It's inconceivable a ship like this could be sent out without a crew, so
whatever devoured the crew, bones and all, might still be there, so... be
careful.
[The Canaries turn and begin shuffling out]
KILL CRAZY
Let's go kill something!! *YESSSSS*!!
[A few of the Canaries spare KILL CRAZY a glance as he shrieks his approval
before continuing on their way. Staring eagerly up at the CAPTAIN and the
GOVENOR, it takes a few moments before KILL CRAZY realises he has been
left behind. Deflated, he heads off after his fellow Canaries]
[-- 22 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------7:32--]
[A small sub descends through murky waters, triple floodlights doing little
to light its progress]
[-- 23 - Int. Submarine ---------------------------------------------7:39--]
[Canaries present]
[All the Canaries are sat quietly, kitted out now with rifles and a backup
pistol. All seem absorbed in their own thoughts; all except KILL CRAZY,
that is, who is fairly bouncing on his seat in hyped-up anticipation]
KILL CRAZY
I hope its got, like, big teeth and claws and, like, loads of heads. Yeah!
*Great*!
[The others pay him little attention, much less return any enthusiasm, but
KILL CRAZY ignores them]
[-- 24 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------7:50--]
[The submarine draws up beside a large wall of metal, turns about and docks
against an airlock]
[-- 25 - Int. Airlock aboard the Silverburg -------------------------7:59--]
[The airlock is silent and empty, until a loud screeching of rusted metal
peals out as the Canaries break the airlock seal and swing open the thick
door]
[Enter KILL CRAZY]
KILL CRAZY
Here we go! At last! *Yeah*!!!
[Caught in the moment, KILL CRAZY charges forward aproximately half a metre
before smacking his head soundly off the top of the airlock frame. He goes
down bonelessy without a sound, and the other Canaries step over him,
somewhat more cautiously]
[-- 26 - Int. Silverberg Obs deck -----------------------------------8:13--]
[Enter LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, other Canaries]
LISTER
Okay, stay together, keep 'em peeled.
RIMMER
What's that!
[RIMMER points fearfully out of shot]
KRYTEN
What? Where?
RIMMER
It's moving, shaking from side to side like a leaf!
KRYTEN
I think that's your shadow, sir.
[-- 27 - Int. Staircase aboard the Silverburg -----------------------8:30--]
[The search has obviously proved fruitless so far; the Dwarfers have moved
to another part of the ship. A figure comes running down a metal staircase]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
Located the mainframe, maybe it can tell us something.
[KOCHANSKI turns and heads back up the staircase]
[-- 28 - Int. Silverburg computer room -------------------------Raz--8:35--]
[COMPUTER present, a holgraphic head]
[Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT, RIMMER]
[The Dwarfers step into a large, hi-tech room. Control panels, status lights
and cables are the general decor, but the dominant feature of the room is
the large pillar into which the cables that sprout from the control banks
and snake across the floor all lead into. Rising from a solid base, the
hexagonally cross-sectioned pillar becomes translucent, and a section from
around the foot-foot high mark to about seven feet from the floor holds
the hologrammatic image of a older woman's head. The head has a silvery
sheen to its skin and sheer silver hair, and around the thin neck is an
elaborate necklace resembling the tracks of a printed circuit board, also
worked in silver. Delicate tongues of pink electro-plasma flicker around
image of the head]
COMPUTER
Good evening, Arnold. I've been looking forward to your arrival so very
much.
RIMMER
How do you know my name?
COMPUTER
My name is Cassandra. I am a computer with the ability to predict the
future with an accuracy rating of 100%.
Bless you.
[RIMMER frowns in confusion]
RIMMER
'Bless you'? What do you mean 'bless you'?
[RIMMER abruptly sneezes]
CASSANDRA
You need a tissue; Kris has one in her left-hand pocket. She says "would
you like this?"; you say "thanks".
[Sure enough, KOCHANSKI is in the process of offering a handkerchief to
RIMMER]
KOCHANSKI
Would you like this?
RIMMER
Thanks.
[Both turn and look at the computer with suspicious surprise]
CASSANDRA
"Extraordinary".
KRYTEN
Extraordinary.
CASSANDRA
"The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future".
[Ignoring the computer, KOCHANSKI glances towards LISTER and the others to
her left]
KOCHANSKI
The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future.
[CASSANDRA puts on an obvious accent]
CASSANDRA
"But how does it work? The future's not 'appened yet".
[LISTER hesitates and glances around, adopting an air of defiance]
LISTER
...I'm not gonna say that.
CASSANDRA
I never said you would.
LISTER
But how *does* it work? The future's not 'appened yet.
CASSANDRA
Although you do.
LISTER
Smeg.
RIMMER
Let's ask her a question about the future. A biggie...
LISTER
Okay, Cassandra, do we ever get back to Earth? Has the human race
survived?
CAT
Do I ever find my singing tie-pin?
[LISTER glances at CAT in annoyance, but in the meantime KOCHANSKI has been
having second thoughts]
KOCHANSKI
Look, do we want to know all this stuff about the future? I mean, do we
want to know, for example, how and when we die?
RIMMER
Kris is right. Something like that could mess your life up forever.
Cassandra, I have a question.
CASSANDRA
I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation.
Arnold
So, what's the answer?
CASSANDRA
He chokes to death, aged one-hundred and eighty-one, trying to remove a
bra with his teeth.
[LISTER glances at RIMMER and CASSANDRA questioningly]
LISTER
What was the question?
RIMMER
I just asked how you died.
[LISTER stares hard at RIMMER]
LISTER
You what? I didn't want to know that!
[Suddenly he rounds on CASSANDRA]
LISTER
Who's bra?
CAT
A hundred and eighty-one? Probably your own!
LISTER
Come on, no. Taking a bra off with m' teeth, aged one-hundred and
eighty-one. That's a hell of a sexy way to go!
KRYTEN
So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir.
LISTER
I'm really screwed up, now. I never wanted to know that; know how I die.
It's completely spoiled the surprise!
CASSANDRA
Kryten, this is where you share your theory with your crew-mates.
[KRYTEN acknowledges this]
KRYTEN
I have a theory, everyone. The Silverburg didn't crash, did it, Cassandra?
The ship was sent here by the Space Corps. on auto-pilot to get rid of you;
to abandon you at the bottom of a lunar sea, in the depths of Deep Space.
CAT
That's brilliant, bud! How'd you work that out?
KRYTEN
I read it on this mission directive, here.
[KRYTEN holds up the paper in question, and passes it to LISTER, who skims
through it]
LISTER
So, there was no dead bodies on board because the ship didn't have a crew.
KRYTEN
A computer that unerringly predicts the future -
CASSANDRA
- "Is a dangerous thing indeed"...
[KRYTEN's smug expression curdles]
KRYTEN
Is a dangerous... er, yes, precisely.
RIMMER
We, um, should be making tracks.
[RIMMER points apologetically towards the exit and turns to leave]
CASSANDRA
I'm afraid that that's not going to happen. The bulkhead's just given away
and we're shipping water at a thousand gallons a second. All the Canaries
will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer -
RIMMER
Yes!
[RIMMER punches the air in jubilation]
CASSANDRA
- Who will be dead in 20 minutes.
[RIMMER's joy evaporates and he works his mouth ineffectually. CASSANDRA
smiles, somewhat mischievously]
CASSANDRA
Only Lister, Kryten, the Cat and Kochanski survive.
LISTER
What happens to Rimmer?
CASSANDRA
He has a heart attack, brought on by the stress of knowing he's going to
die, and collapses; collapses during a conversation with me in nineteen
minutes and thirty-one seconds.
RIMMER
I don't believe you, I simply don't believe you.
CASSANDRA
We shall see, or rather, you shall see; I have already seen...
KOCHANSKI
All the hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end!
CAT
Mine too, but not just the ones on the back of my neck; it's one up, all
up!
[Exit CAT]
[CAT heads out hurriedly, and the others move to follow]
[-- 29 - Int. A deserted supply room aboard the Silverburg ---------12:24--]
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, RIMMER, CAT present]
[The Dwarfers have called a 'time-out', away from the other Canaries and
their Warden overseers, to rest their legs, have a coffee, and take stock
of their situation. His initial romance with the Canaries now over, RIMMER
has abandoned his emblazoned coat and sits with the other Dwarfers in the
regular uniform. His stencilled name on his jacket is printed in a larger
typeface than that of his fellows; perhaps RIMMER put himself forward as
their team leader, or some similar temporary position. While KRYTEN checks
over their equipment, the others sit by a line of storage crates that they
have arranged into a long table, sipping from their mugs]
LISTER
Well, it's not the first time we've been in a situation like this, is it?
CAT
Hell no, we've drunk coffee thousands of times. We're veterans.
LISTER
Future echoes, remember?
CAT
Future echoes, oh right!
KOCHANSKI
What was that?
LISTER
Well, we learnt that if the future's already decided...
[LISTER glances quickly at RIMMER, sat beside him staring into the depths of
his coffee, and lowers his voice]
LISTER
- you can't change it...
[RIMMER glances up at him]
RIMMER
Yeah, but what do you know? Your a chicken soup machine repairman, not
Hank Handsome, Space Adventurer.
Don't get ideas above your station, and your station is Git Central.
LISTER
Hey, I've been surviving in space five - six years. When it comes to
weirdy, paradoxy space stuff, I've bought the t-shirt.
KRYTEN
He bought it and I ironed it for him.
LISTER
Exactly.
RIMMER
So, you're saying the future's the future and, like your underpants, the
chances of change are remote? Well, I'm sorry, I don't accept it.
LISTER
Hey, I'm not happy about it, man.
CAT
None of us are. You dying is the last think we want, especially me. Hell,
I'd probably have to help dig the hole.
RIMMER
Right, so to summarise: six years of space adventuring, six years of
experience and knowledge, has led you to the conclusion that I'm totally
stuffed?
KRYTEN
Mister Rimmer has a point, sir. Your greater knowledge is making you
pessimistic, while his ignorance and almost doe-like naivety is keeping his
mind receptive to a possible solution.
LISTER
Shut your stupid, flat head, you.
[KRYTEN shrinks under LISTER's admonition, but KOCHANSKI has picked up on
something, and sounds intrigued]
KOCHANSKI
So, you're saying, when you don't know enough... to *know* that you don't
know enough, there's no fear holding you back? You can achieve things which
people with more brains can't?
KRYTEN
Precisely.
[KOCHANSKI smirks in RIMMER's direction]
KOCHANSKI
He's got the 'power of ignorance'...
KRYTEN
And with ignorance that he's got, that makes him one of the most powerful
men that's ever lived!
Harness your stupidity, sir; employ your witlessness, use your
empty-headed, simplistic moron-mind and find a solution.
[RIMMER's face hardens defiantly]
RIMMER
Okay! I've got an idea. Kryten, replay out meeting with Cassandra in your
CPU and tell me if, at any point, anyone ever called me 'Rimmer'.
LISTER
What?
[KRYTEN dutifully scans through his records, his head twitching as his
emotion software tries to reproduce the feelings of the accelerated
moments. The playback ends and KRYTEN adresses RIMMER]
KRYTEN
At no point throughout the meeting did anyone refer to you as 'Rimmer'.
In fact, we barely looked you.
RIMMER
That's just what I thought! Cassandra said "Rimmer dies", but it doesn't
necessarily follow that that means me!
LISTER
Who does it mean then, your dad?
RIMMER
Look, Cassandra doesn't know the future, she sees pictures of it. She
could have seen some other guy die of a heart attack; someone she's been
told is *called* Rimmer.
KOCHANSKI
He's right.
RIMMER
All I have to do is find someone I can introduce to Cassandra as
'Rimmer'...
[RIMMER glances down and suddenly notices the large name badge on the front
of his jacket. He smiles eagerly]
RIMMER
- and it'll be them that stiffs out and not me!
KRYTEN
Such lowlife conniving; its impossible not to be impressed! What I
wouldn't give to have your weasel gene, sir!
[RIMMER beams intently at CAT]
CAT
Now wait a minute!
[Enter WARDEN KNOT]
[KRYTEN notcices the burly man's approach and speaks in exaggerated tones]
KRYTEN
Oh look, here's Mister Knot...
[RIMMER looks sharply at the big man, silently mouthing "Yes..."]
KNOT
You made this area secure?
RIMMER
Yes, sir, Mister Knot, sir. Coffee, sir?
[RIMMER fairly leaps out of his seat, and begins pouring a cup from the
flask in front of him]
KNOT
I've been asked by the Captain to inspect the mainframe, where is it?
[RIMMER, in passing a cup of coffee to KNOT, feigns a trip and throws it
over the man's jacket. KNOT grabs RIMMER's lapels angrily]
KNOT
You idiot! What the hell do you think you're doing?
RIMMER
Please, have my jacket, I insist! Then I shall lead you to Cassandra.
[Taking KNOT's damp jacket away, RIMMER holds out his own and helps the
WARDEN shrug awkwardly into it, a task not made easy by the obvious size
difference between the two of them]
RIMMER
There we are, sir, a perfect fit, sir.
[KNOT scowls at RIMMER, but keeps the jacket anyway]
KNOT
Lead the way, Rimmer.
RIMMER
Don't call me 'Rimmer'!
KNOT
That's your name...
RIMMER
Yes, but 'Rimmer' - it's so full of nobility and quiet courage; call me
'arsewipe' or 'fishbreath', but not 'Rimmer', sir, never 'Rimmer', sir.
KNOT
Okay, arsewipe, whatever you say. Now where's the mainframe!
[-- 30 - Int. Silverburg computer room ------------------------Raz--16:14--]
[Enter RIMMER, WARDEN KNOT]
[Leading the Warden, RIMMER now wears KNOT's grey jacket over his Canary
bib and a hopeful, nervous smile on his face]
CASSANDRA
Hello Arnold, bang on time.
RIMMER
I've brought you a visitor, Cassandra. Do you know his name?
CASSANDRA
Yes, I do. Not -
[Shock registers on RIMMER's face]
RIMMER
What?
CASSANDRA
Not -
RIMMER
'Knot'??
CASSANDRA
Let me finish!
Not that it matters what his name is, I mean, our relationship doesn't
last very long.
[RIMMER calms himself, visibly trying to relax]
KNOT
I understand you have the ability to predict -
CASSANDRA
- the future, yes, I do.
KNOT
A hundred percent reli -
CASSANDRA
- able, yes.
KNOT
What happens to me; do I get back to Earth?
CASSANDRA
No, you die in about four seconds' time of a heart attack after hearing
the news that you're going to die of a heart attack.
KNOT
You filthy ly -- Ack!
[KNOT clutches a hand to his chest and stares at RIMMER and shock. RIMMER
watches nonchalantly as KNOT sinks to the floor and sprawls on his back.
CASSANDRA peers down at him sympathetically]
CASSANDRA
Poor Rimmer.
RIMMER
Yes, poor old 'Rimmer'.
[KNOT raises a hand weakly]
KNOT
My name is not -
[Quick to obfuscate the man's inconvenient last words, RIMMER leans down as
if to listen intently]
RIMMER
Your name is not *what*?
KNOT
Knot! Not...
Knot..!
[The man's lead lolls back slackly. RIMMER looks to CASSANDRA impatiently]
RIMMER
Is he dead now?
CASSANDRA
I'm afraid so.
RIMMER
Yes!
[Enormously pleased, RIMMER holds up both fists triumphantly]
CASSANDRA
He died of a massive coronary, just as I prophesied.
RIMMER
Yes!
[RIMMER punches the air again]
CASSANDRA
You seem inordinately happy, Arnold, but why? You're going to die too.
[Once again RIMMER's smile is mercilessly killed]
RIMMER
But you said - I just...
I'm gonna die too?
CASSANDRA
I already told you: Rimmer dies of a heart attack, and then you and all
the other Canaries die too; all except Lister, Kryten, Kochanski and the
Cat.
I've seen it.
RIMMER
That's as well as maybe, but have you seen this?
[RIMMER flips his middle finger to CASSANDRA, then turns and storms out]
[Exit RIMMER]
CASSANDRA
Yes... I'm afraid I have...
[-- 31 - Int. Silverburg loading tube-------------------------------17:50--]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT, RIMMER present]
[The Dwarfers walk solemnly along the flat bottomed but otherwise
cylindrical corridor, illuminate by stark, irregularly spaced lamps
postioned along the top of the tube, and rows of lanterns strung just above
head-height along both side walls]
RIMMER
You were right, there's nothing I can do.
KRYTEN
According to Cassandra, our future is decided and we four survive.
Therefore, while we're here, we cannot die. Regard:
[The Dwarfer pause in the corridor to attend KRYTEN. The mechanoid draws his
sidearm, places the barrel to his temple and pulls the trigger. The chamber
clicks empty. He points to and fires at KOCHANSKI, LISTER and CAT in turn,
and each time the chambers are empty. He levels the gun at RIMMER's head]
KRYTEN
Duck sir!
[KRYTEN fires, and a bullet richochet's off the wall behind RIMMER. The
bullet pings its way up and down the metal corridar in which they stand,
its noise first growing quieter, then steadily louder]
KRYTEN
Duck again, sir!
[RIMMER does so, just in time for the bullet to finally shatter against the
wall behind him]
KRYTEN
Just as i thought.
[KRYTEN deftly spins the pistol around his finger and drops it back into
his holster.
CAT
So, in other words, if I...
[CAT gingerly plucks a large fire axe from the wall, and cracks LISTER
sharply across the back of the head with its long wooden handle. The others
flinch away in sympathy and LISTER clutches the back of head, rounding on
CAT, who grins unconcernedly]
LISTER
What was that for!?
CAT
You can't die!
LISTER
Yeah, but I can still feel pain, you smegger!
CAT
Oh, yeah...
KRYTEN
So how about this: we use our 'powers of invulnerability', which will last
until we return to Red Dwarf, and surround Mister Rimmer, escort him up to
the Obs. deck, and into the diving bell?
[-- 32 - Int. Silverburg cargo deck --------------------------------18:43--]
[The safety concertina'd door covering an elevator car folds back]
[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER]
[The former four are arranged in a tight, four-point huddle around RIMMER
his is sandwiched between them and crouched over, out of sight. As the
Dwarfers begin to shuffle warily along the deck, RIMMER's head pops out
to scan their surroundings, before CAT pushes him back down out of harm's
way]
[-- 33 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------18:56--]
[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER]
[Shuffling along a gangway between the huge ranks of machinery, RIMMER again
pops up from inside his protective screen, but disappears back down just as
sharply]
[-- 34 - Int. Airlock aboard the Silverburg ------------------------19:04--]
[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]
LISTER
The diving bell! We've made it!
[Breaking their huddle, it comes as some surprise to the Dwarfers to find
that the 'safety cell' they have been preserving is now empty. RIMMER has
disappeared]
KOCHANSKI
Where did he go??
[The Dwarfers dash back the way they came]
[-- 35 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------19:13--]
[Re-tracing their steps through the engine blocks, LISTER happens across a
hatch in the floor, through which RIMMER can be seen on the floor below,
nursing a sprained ankle]
LISTER
Yo!
[Hearing the commotion above, RIMMER stares up anxiously]
[-- 36 - Int. Silverburg lower engine deck -------------------------19:22--]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
[Clutching a rope tied securely around her, KOCHANSKI descends gingerly
through the hatch into the room below]
[-- 37 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------19:28--]
[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER present]
[The three of them stand in line, holding the other end of KOCHANSKI's rope,
LISTER glancing down the hatch to keep an eye on her progress. Suddenly,
CAT pricks his ears, and glances sharply at KRYTEN and LISTER]
CAT
Hear that?
[KRYTEN adds power to his adio receivers, immediately detecting:]
KRYTEN
Water...
[LISTER suddenly realises the implications]
LISTER
Kris, take cover, the water's coming!
CAT
Quick , the diving bell!
[-- 38 - Int. Silverburg lower engine deck -------------------------19:39--]
[KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present]
[The pair hurriedly climb to the top of a large airlock bell that serves as
a watersealed access point to the ship's lower decks. Swinging open the
large access cover at the top, RIMMER and KOCHANSKI scramble inside, and
KOCHANSKI barely gets the seal shut again before thousands of gallons of
water come thunding down into the engine deck]
[-- 39 - Int. Silverburg cargo deck --------------------------------19:51--]
[RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present]
[KOCHANSKI descends the last few steps of the ladder that runs from the top
of the airlock bell down to the cargo deck, where RIMMER stands tensely,
resting against a pilar. KOCHANSKI whirls away from the ladder angrily]
KOCHANSKI
Great, everything's above us is flooded, and now we're back down in the
bowels again with Cassandra!
RIMMER
It's coming true.
[KOCHANSKI looks at him levelly]
RIMMER
My death! It's all coming true.
[RIMMER storms away with a darkly intent expression]
[Exit RIMMER]
[KOCHANSKI stares hard at his back and shakes her head with irritation.
After a moment she stalks off on her own]
[-- 40 - Int. Silverburg computer room -----------------------------20:09--]
[CASSANDRA present]
[Enter RIMMER]
[CASSANDRA smiles, almost apologetically, as she sees RIMMER step in slowly]
CASSANDRA
You tried to cheat the future and failed, as I knew you would.
RIMMER
So what happens now? How... How do I die?
CASSANDRA
Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the
head with a harpoon gun.
[RIMMER stares at CASSANDRA incredulously]
RIMMER
Can you just double-check that?
CASSANDRA
I've seen it, it's what happens. In the old laundry room.
RIMMER
So let me just repeat what I think you're saying... Arnold, that's *me*,
and Kochanski, that's *the woman* - the really attractive one you saw
earlier; me and her were in bed, giving it rizz, when Lister, that's the
short, dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me through the
head while I'm making love with Kochanski?
CASSANDRA
That is what is going to happen.
[RIMMER grins exultantly, amms held up in celebration]
RIMMER
Fantastic!!
[-- 41 - Int. Silverburg laundry room ------------------------------21:15--]
[RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present]
[RIMMER is on hands and knees, bouncing on a old mattress that he has
arranged on the floor in an attempt to flatten out the worst of its lumps.
KOCHANSKI stands against a wall as far away as possible, staring away and
pressing a hand to her chest faintly]
KOCHANSKI
I can't believe what you're telling me..!
RIMMER
I can scarcely believe it myself.
I mean, obviously, you're incredibly attractive; I never thought you'd
look at me twice!
KOCHANSKI
Neither did I!
RIMMER
But, apparently, were gonna make love. Unbe-smegging-lieviable or what?
It's not warm in here, fancy a wee nip?
KOCHANSKI
No, no, no, no.
[RIMMER heads over to his flask anyway, and pours himself a small glass]
KOCHANSKI
But, why would I want to sleep with *you*? I mean, it doesn't make any
sense.
RIMMER
Maybe you get blind drunk?
KOCHANSKI
Well that doesn't excuse my other four senses!
RIMMER
Right, barely an hour to go, shall we get started?
I mean, let's face it, you can't change the future. Sadly.
[KOCHANSKI remembers something, and points at RIMMER hopefully]
KOCHANSKI
But, you said, you *could*...
RIMMER
Yeah, I've changed my mind now.
[RIMMER fiddles with a pipe and tap on the wall, intending to top up his
drink]
KOCHANSKI
Look, are you sure you wouldn't like to play the opera game, instead?
RIMMER
Kris, it's what Cassandra saw. You can't cheat fate.
KOCHANSKI
Well, you just watch me, because there's no way on earth that I'm climbing
out of my clothes, and clambering into that bed.
[As RIMMER finally turns on his tap, the other end of the ancient pipe,
which KOCHANSKI is standing next to, suddenly ruptures, spraying torrents
of water and drenching her from head to toe. RIMMER fumbles with the tap
and manages to stop the flood. KOCHANSKI glares at RIMMER]
KOCHANSKI
My clothes are soaking!
RIMMER
Why don't you take them off, and dry them on the heater?
[KOCHANSKI snatches a blanket from a shelf beside her, sloshes over to
RIMMER and grabs the drink from his hand]
KOCHANSKI
It's coming true, it's all coming true...
RIMMER
It's coming true, it's all coming true!
[KOCHANKSI takes a belt from the glass, and shakes her head in some
surprise]
[-- 42 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------23:04--]
[The Canaries' little submarine powers through the black water]
[-- 43 - Int. Submarine --------------------------------------------23:11--]
[KILL CRAZY, LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN present]
[KILL CRAZY lies on his back, barely conscious, across the bench seats,
a vicious arc of a cut prominent across a good part of his forehead]
KILL CRAZY
Uurrrhhhhhhh
[CAT and KRYTEN spare the downed Canary a glance as LISTER makes
preparations for leaving]
CAT
Bud, you can't go back there!
LISTER
Cassandra said Kris survives, and the only way that's gonna happen is if
someone goes back in and saves her.
[LISTER points at an area of the wall behind CAT and KRYTEN]
LISTER
Chuck'us the harpoon gun, will you.
[CAT passes the weapon over, and LISTER carefully removes the safety cover
from the tip of the spear]
[-- 44 - Int. Silverburg laundry room -------------------------Raz--23:33--]
[RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present]
[RIMMER, now dressed only in his t-shirt, boxers and socks, bops happily in
front of the hastily constructed bed, singing to himself wordlessly, and
with an equal amount of tunefulness. KOCHANSKI is already in bed, naked
but hiding inside a tightly wrapped blanket. RIMMER mooches closer to the
bed and throws himself down beside her; KOCHANKSI flinches away]
KOCHANSKI
I'm not sure about this. This is the first time I've ever been seduced
by predeterminism theory.
RIMMER
One hour exactly...
[RIMMER puckers up and waggles his lips in KOCHANSKI's direction]
[Enter LISTER]
[Upon seeing LISTER dart in through a hatchway and level his harpoon gun,
RIMMER turns away and scowls in disgust]
RIMMER
Oh bloody, buggering hell!
Tonight must be the night they put the clocks forward!
LISTER
I've got it!
RIMMER
That's more than I did.
LISTER
I've worked it all out.
RIMMER
I never get any breaks, ever! Twenty seconds later you could've been on
top and I could've used you as a human shield.
KOCHANSKI
I must have been mad, what the hell was I thinking? I felt sorry for you!
LISTER
Look, will you shut up and listen to me?
[Crouching down beside the bed, LISTER picks up the glass discarded by
KOCHANSKI and takes a sip]
KOCHANSKI
No! *Why* aren't you mad that I'm in bed with him?
LISTER
'Cos i know *why* you're in bed with him. and I also know that i don't
kill him
KOCHANSKI
Aw, but Cassandra promised...
LISTER
Cassandra made that up to force you two together. So that you'd feel sorry
for him, and hopefully end up sleeping with him.
RIMMER
So why did she say she saw it happen?
LISTER
To try and *make* it happen.
KOCHANSKI
But why?
LISTER
To try and punish me!
RIMMER
Punish you? Why?
LISTER
'Cos Cassandra knows, and has always known, how she dies. She's trying to
make me suffer now for something that I'm destined to do in the future...
RIMMER
You kill her, don't you? That's why she hates you. Because she knows
you're going got kill her.
LISTER
That's what this whole thing was about. Kryten figured it out.
[RIMMER nods, his annoyance plain]
RIMMER
Kryten figured it out, did he? Good old Kryten. But did he really have to
figure it out quite so damn fast? Would it have killed him to take thirty
minutes longer? Ten minutes even? Two would have done.
LISTER
I'm gonna take care of the rest of it now. I'll, erm -
[LISTER grins at the pair of them]
LISTER
- see you two lovebirds later...
[Exit LISTER]
[KOCHANSKI gets to her feet, keeping the blanket wrapped perfectly around
her in that special way that only women can]
RIMMER
Look, thanks for being with me tonight. I can't think of anyone I'd rather
share my final hour with than you, and I really mean that.
I'm not all bad, in fact, sometimes I'm quite sweet and sensitive...
[KOCHANSKI smiles gently and turns to leave]
KOCHANSKI
Bye.
RIMMER
By the way?
KOCHANSKI
Mm-hm?
[RIMMER picks up KOCHANSKI's black knickers from the bed and dangles them
in the air, grinning hugely]
RIMMER
Is it okay if I keep these?
[-- 45 - Int. Silverburg computer room -----------------------------25:54--]
[CASSANDRA present]
[Enter LISTER]
[LISTER sets down the glass the brought with him from the laundry room, and
chomps quietly on a piece of chewing gum]
LISTER
If the future's all worked out - horoscopes, all that stuff - it means
we're not responsible for anything we do. It means we're just actors saying
lines in a script written by someone else. I don't wanna believe that.
I wanna believe I'm in charge of my own life, my own destiny; so I'm not
gonna kill you, Cassandra. I'm out of here.
[LISTER turns to leave]
CASSANDRA
But you do kill me, I've seen it.
LISTER
Tomorrow's a new day. A fresh page in a book that's not been written yet.
What happens in the future is up to me, not some 'predetermined destiny'
smeg.
I'll see you, kid-eh.
[As LISTER turns away from CASSANDRA again, he takes out his gum and sticks
it on the wall beside the hatchway before walking out. Almost immediately,
the gum falls off the wall, landing on the articulated-arm of a lamp. The
lamp eases slowly downwards under the fractional extra weight, coming to
rest on a button. The button, in turn, supplies power to a desk fan, which
spins up and begins to oscillate. The flow of air blows the gum off the
lamp-arm, flicking it through the air in front of LISTER's startled face
and depositing it neatly in the glass that LISTER brought with him. The
gum's inertia pushes the glass off the narrow shelf on which it sat,
spilling the contents over a wall panel. The liquid drips down into a
socket, where a thick cable connects to the wall, and sparks begin to
crackle from the connection. Sparks, accompanied by angry electrical pops,
work their way along the cabling towards a bank of components, and things
go from bad to worse when the whole console goes up in small explosion.
CASSANDRA tilts her head and stares at LISTER in admirably subdued
annoyance, before the entire column that housed her projection system
detonates in spectacular fashion. LISTER surveys his handiwork with a
pained expression]
LISTER
Smeg. Smeg...
[Highly embarassed, he turns and walks carefully out]
[--------------------------- END OF "CASSANDRA" --------------------27:14--]
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