[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 8 -- ONLY THE GOOD [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 1.01 7 - 9 April, 1999 Last updated: 19 May, 1999 Raz / raz@matrixcity.org http://www.matrixcity.org [-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--] [A derelict ship, floating in space. A pod tumbles away from the ship and slices by the camera] [-- 2 - CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------0:04--] [A plain starfield. Narrative text draws across the screen:] "Lone escape pod from SS Hermes - Survivors one. Ship destroyed by Chameleonic Microbe." [A pause, then the words 'by Chameleonic Microbe.' are deleted, and replaced with:] "by Chamelionic Mycrobe." [A second pause, then 'by Chamelionic Mycrobe.' is deleted, and replaced with the much simpler:] "by shape changing weird space thing. Non essential electrics all down, including spell checker. Massage ends." [-- 3 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:26--] [The triangular escape pod tumbles through space, its fuel spent. It approaches Red Dwarf and falls into the ship's gravity well] [-- 4 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:36--] [A cargo bay within Red Dwarf. The pod has been brought in and now sits upright in the bay. Narrative text appears:] "6 hours later" [One side of the pod begins to shimmer, as some kind of black, flickery substance begins to spread out from the entry hatch and move around the large, circular airlock cavity. As the black substance passes, the metalwork of the pod vanishes, leaving behind a jagged tear through the airlock] [-- 5 - Int. Captain's Recovery room --------------------------------0:46--] [We see a close up on a TV screen, display on which is an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is being carried by a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet; she kicks her legs and screams melodramatically] [CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present] [HOLLISTER is lying in bed, looking ill. There is a knock on the door, and the CAPTAIN struggles to croak around an obviously sore throat] HOLLISTER ...Come in... [More knocks issue, and HOLLISTER reacts with exasperation] HOLLISTER ...Come in... [HOLLISTER strains hard, but the caller obviously still does not hear, and knocks again] HOLLISTER ...Come in!... [There is a pause, then the door swishes open] [Enter RIMMER] RIMMER Can I come in, sir? I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear me? Your hot lemon, sir. [HOLLISTER takes the drink, then pats at his face] HOLLISTER God-damn yellow fever. I've still got that jowly, flabby, puffiness around my cheeks. RIMMER Wasn't that there before your illness, sir? Yes, I'm sure it was, because - [HOLLISTER glances at RIMMER sharply] RIMMER Let me tuck you in, sir. HOLLISTER How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet? RIMMER Enjoying it, sir. Some directives for you to sign, sir: [RIMMER hands over a clipboard, and the CAPTAIN leafs through it] HOLLISTER What's this 'Space Core Free Pardon', exonerating you of all crimes, doing in here? [RIMMER sucks air through his mouth, an expression of incredulity on his face] RIMMER Those people in Admin really need to pay more mind, sir, honestly! Tsk! You can't rely on anyone these days, can you! [HOLLISTER stares coldly at RIMMER, who breaks under the pressure and sinks to his knees by the CAPTAIN's bed] RIMMER I'm so sorry, sir, it's just, if I've got a record, I'll never become an officer and command my own ship; and that's what I long for more than anything, sir, to be like you... Maybe thinner, and in better condition, and obviously without your clogged arteries, but that aside, sir, you're the person I admire the most. HOLLISTER Another ambition achieved... RIMMER You think I could become an officer, one day, sir? HOLLISTER Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this, Rimmer, but I'm sorry, you're just not officer material. RIMMER 'Not officer material', sir?? HOLLISTER If you wanna take my advice you'll redirect your energies and find something that you have a genuine chance of succeeding at. RIMMER Like what, sir? [HOLLISTER feigns loss of speech] RIMMER So you're saying I'm never going to become a Captain, sir? Never? [HOLLISTER croaks words] [There is another knock at the door, and a woman dressed in a flowing black dress sweeps in. Ignoring RIMMER, she stares down at the CAPTAIN] WOMAN They said it was okay to drop by... HOLLISTER Talia?? We-ll, hi! [RIMMER jumps to his feet and smarms at the woman] RIMMER Hi! [The woman smiles in return, but immediately returns her gaze to the CAPTAIN] HOLLISTER Ah, Rimmer was just leaving... TALIA I can't believe we've run into one another again after all this time! HOLLISTER Well, the nanobots must have resurrected you, too! You look... wonderful. TALIA You made Captain; you've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps. RIMMER The photograph of your *wife*, sir? Is it okay where it is or should I turn it so it's facing the wall? HOLLISTER Dismissed, Rimmer. RIMMER Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Nothing I can get *you*, ma'am? Tea? Coffee? [RIMMER turns and heads out, still muttering] RIMMER Packet of three..? [Exit RIMMER] [TALIA's eyes widen as she hears RIMMER's parting words, and the CAPTAIN glares after him, then smiles and apologises to his guest] [-- 6 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room --------------------Raz--3:34--] [RIMMER present] [RIMMER strides away from the CAPTAIN's room] RIMMER Me? Not make it? What does he know? The big, stupid, yellow idiot. [RIMMER pauses by a food dispenser, and begins fishing in his pocket] RIMMER He doesn't see my good side, my guile, my weasel cunning. When the going gets tough, my ability to find good hiding places. [RIMMER takes out a token from his pocket and carefully extends a length of thread that is attached to it. He inserts the token into the dispenser's credit slot] RIMMER He thinks I'm an imbecile, he really does... [RIMMER taps in a few numbers on a control panel, and a chocolate bar drops into the vending compartment. RIMMER takes it] RIMMER Ha ha. Me, an imbecile! [In one smooth motion, RIMMER carefully tugs on the string and pulls his coin back out of the dispenser. Immediately lights begin to flash all over the machine] DISPENSER Alert, alert! A choccy-nut bar - a choccy-nut bar - has been removed without payment. [RIMMER slaps his hand across the dispenser's speaker-unit] DISPENSER A choccy-nut bar has been removed without payment. Alert, alert! RIMMER Shut up! DISPENSER No, shan't. Alert, alert! RIMMER If you don't shut up, I'll pour beef soup into your speaker and you'll drown. DISPENSER Take your hand off m' speaker then. RIMMER Promise to shut up? DISPENSER Promise. [RIMMER uncovers the speaker] DISPENSER Ha ha ha haa! I had m' circuits crossed! Alert, alert! Chocolate abduction on floor three-four-one. Alert - [Angrily, RIMMER crumples up the CAPTAIN's directives and stuffs the papers into the dispenser's speaker grille. He begins peeling off the sticky- backed instruction labels that decorate the dispenser over its various slots and vents and, in an attempt to silence the machine, re-sticks them so that they cover the speaker grille] DISPENSER Ooh, I say, you w'll - you will not get away with this, I may not be able to see you but I know your taste in confectionary! And I also - I also know - I also know, ha haa, erm, no, in fact that *is* all I know, just your taste in confectionary, but no matter, because one day I'll hear your voice again and I'll expose you for the chocolate thieving dog you are! [RIMMER gives up on trying to suffocate the machine, and rubs his hands on his trousers nervously] RIMMER I'm really scared! I'm being threatened by a dispensing machine! [Enter HOLLISTER] [HOLLISTER approaches RIMMER from behind, carrying the tray RIMMER brought with him to the recovery room. Still railing at the dispenser, RIMMER does not see him approach] RIMMER What are you gonna do, leave a horse's head made out of marzipan in my bed? "Oh, mummy, help, help, help! I'm really scared!" HOLLISTER Rimmer..? [RIMMER whirls around and flattens himself against the wall] HOLLISTER You forgot your tray... RIMMER Thank you, sir. [HOLLISTER turns to walk away] DISPENSER He stole some chocolate! He stole s - [RIMMER claps his hand across the speaker once more as HOLLISTER turns back to regard him. The CAPTAIN opens his mouth and points at RIMMER, then thinks better of it and heads back to his room] [Exit HOLLISTER] DISPENSER You are my nemesis... one day, our paths will cross again, and I - I will *destroy* you... RIMMER And on that day, I will be the Captain of this ship. [Exit RIMMER] [-- 7 - Int. Corridors circling Floor 13's central chamber ----------5:30--] [CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present] [The trio are walking through corridors on Floor 13] CAT It's okay for Mister cushy-working-for-the-Captain-now, but what about me? All that damned rock! My back's killing me, bud! Look at my spine, it's so curved, if you threw it away it'd come back! Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock! I ain't used to work! But what job do they give me? KRYTEN Er, something to do with rocks, sir? CAT Exactly. You know what they've got me doing? I've got to put all the rock albums on the P.A. system. I've got to change those suckers once every forty-five minutes! I'm a physical wreck! Probation's killing me, buds..! [Exit CAT] [Thankful for the silence, LISTER notices the piece of card that KRYTEN carries] LISTER What's that? KRYTEN Oh, it's just a present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski. [KRYTEN holds it up for LISTER to see] LISTER What, a calendar? KRYTEN Mmm. A couple of days ago she was looking at the old calendar and she said it was the wrong time of the month, so I got her a new one. I'm going to tell her, the calendar people made a mistake, but let's just leave this whole 'wrong month' thing behind us; they were stupid, it was careless, but being grumpy and tearful about it is getting it way out of proportion. LISTER A little word in your audio receiver: [KRYTEN leans closer, and LISTER whispers into his ear for a few moments. They separate] KRYTEN And this happens to all women? They become cranky and weird, and yet you never see this in films or on TV... and men are supposed to be in control of the media..! This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate! LISTER Relax, its not a big deal. I'll tell you what to do and how to behave; everything. Just trust me. [-- 8 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------7:05--] [KRYTEN present] [Enter KOCHANSKI] [KOCHANSKI spots KRYTEN, then glances up at something above him. She does a double-take and her eyes widen. KRYTEN stands under a large banner that proclaims: "HAVE A FANTASTIC PERIOD"] KRYTEN Ta-daaaa! Thank goodness for Mister Lister! I nearly made such a fool of myself. [KRYTEN holds up a single tampon, dangling on its string and adorned with green ribbons] KRYTEN A little present ma'am. [KOCHANKSI narrows her eyes and nods as if playing along] KRYTEN All gift-wrapped. I hope I chose the right size... KOCHANSKI Dave told you to do this, didn't he. KRYTEN Ohhh, isn't he wonderful? KOCHANSKI Oh yeah. Sometimes he's so cute I could just eat him. KRYTEN He explained everything to me so I wouldn't embarrass myself. [KRYTEN grins and gestures with the tampon] KOCHANSKI Come on then, open it! I want you to try it on. Maybe you could do a little twirl in it? [KOCHANSKI scowls and glares at KRYTEN] KOCHANSKI Kryten, how can I put this..? KRYTEN Is there something wrong, ma'am? [KRYTEN pauses for a moment, considering, then quickly lowers his arm] KRYTEN He set me up, didn't he. This is absolutely the wrong thing to do when a woman is having a... [KRYTEN points upwards towards the last word of the banner] KRYTEN Is the banner wrong, too? [KOCHANSKI nods, quietly] KOCHANSKI Oh yeah. KRYTEN He was lying! I've been duped by a master craftsman. Well, two can play at this game! KOCHANSKI Oh yeah? What do you have in mind? KRYTEN Well, are you sure you have time for this, ma'am? I realise the next few days are very special for you. Don't you want to be playing tennis alot in tight, white jeans? Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that. And not forgetting all that blue stuff you've got to pour over things. KOCHANSKI Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back! KRYTEN Right, here's my idea... [KRYTEN lowers his voice and goes through the details quickly, gesturing exaggeratedly to illustrate the key points] [-- 9 - Int. Cell ----------------------------------------------Raz--9:04--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] [LISTER and RIMMER are sat at their table, playing draughts. A quiet whistle is heard, and LISTER looks at his watch] LISTER That's Holl, he must want something. [LISTER prods the watch and transfers HOLLY to the wall monitor] HOLLY [on viewscreen] Thought you might like to hear some hot off the press, official insider information. There's gonna be a cell inspection in about ten minutes. Keep it under your hat. [HOLLY winks conspiratorially, and LISTER nods] [Enter GUARD] GUARD Cell inspection in ten minutes. [Exit GUARD] [LISTER glances back to HOLLY] [-- 10 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:29--] [HOLLY present] [HOLLY nods and smiles, pleased with himself] HOLLY Told you. [-- 11 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:33--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] LISTER Thanks, Holl, it was most helpful. [-- 12 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:37--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY When it comes to being ahead of the game, I'm your man. [-- 13 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:42--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] RIMMER If you don't mind me asking, where did you get that priceless nugget of information *way* before it got into the public domain? [-- 14 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:48--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY I've hacked into the ship's computer system; got into the prison log. I've also managed to get a goosey at the supplies inventory. Discovered stuff in there that'll make your hair stand on end... [-- 15 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:59--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] LISTER What stuff? [-- 16 - Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------10:01--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY 'Brylcreme', it's called. Y' put it on your head, and it makes your hair stand on end. Apparently we've only got two jars left, so if you need some, let me know. As soon as I've got anything else that'll be useful I'll be back. [-- 17 - Int. Cell -------------------------------------------------10:20--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] RIMMER See you in about twenty-five years, then. [HOLLY nods and pulls a sarcastic face, and his image dissolves] [Exit HOLLY] [LISTER scratches at his forehead intently]] LISTER This little scar's itchy today. Must be all the dust. RIMMER You've got a scar? When did you get that? LISTER Those complimentary pens that the hospital guys were giving out - y'know, er, "most accidents happen in the home, so be careful" ones? I accidentally stabbed m'self in the head with one. RIMMER Where were you? LISTER I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid or anything. RIMMER That's not a scar, that's a nick. *That* is a scar. [RIMMER points at the small white mark under his jawline] LISTER Where did you get that? RIMMER From a fight, years ago. Duel. LISTER A duel? You? Get out of town! RIMMER Not *a* duel; "Duel", the old Steven Spielburg movie. Friend of mine attacked me with a video case. Some stupid argument about who had the coolest bicycle clips. I got him back, though. I peed in his mum's steam iron; he had yellow t-shirts for a week. [A buzzing noise issues from a small device on the wall of their cell] RIMMER Why's that going off? [RIMMER crosses to the device and tears off the piece of paper that the machine has just printed] RIMMER It's from Kryten: "Look under the draughts board". LISTER Another note... "Dear Mister Lister, thanks for your wonderful advice regarding Miss Kochanski. In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash of illegal hooch and hide it in... your shower"! "I am laughing as I write this knowing your cell is about to be searched, and imagining the panic now gripping your soul"!! [LISTER tears open the shower cubicle and sees several demijohns] RIMMER Oh my god! LISTER Oh god! RIMMER What the hell are we gonna do? We've got an inspection in five minutes! We're on probation! LISTER Down the loo; down the sink. [LISTER drags one of the demijohns over to their sink and upends the contents into it] RIMMER Baxter's gonna kill us if he finds out we're doing this! LISTER The Captain's gonna kill us if we don't! RIMMER But Baxter! You've seen what he's like: grizzly bears run screaming from *him*. Last week he was playing poker, ran out of money - he bet his right nut on a pair of jacks! A pair of jacks! That's how hard he is. [A warning light flashes above LISTER's head] LISTER Smeg, the tank's full! RIMMER What're we gonna do? We've still got two bottles left! LISTER We're gonna have to drink it. RIMMER Drink it? This Baxter's hooch, it's about three hundred percent proof! A bottle of this would get the entire Greek navy drunk. LISTER It'll put hairs on your chest. RIMMER It'll put hairs on your lips! It'll put hairs on your... hairs! It's lethal. LISTER Look, do you wanna get caught in possession of illegal hooch? Get drinkin'. RIMMER Have we got any mixers? LISTER You are wetter than a driving instructors handshake, aren't you. Get it down your gob! [LISTER takes a tentative sip from one of the bottles. He lowers the bottle slowly, face slack. He coughs painfully and shuffles hesitantly towards his chair] RIMMER What's it like? LISTER It's okay... [RIMMER takes a wary sip himself. After a moment, his mouth begins to tremble, followed by the rest of his head. By the time he joins LISTER at the table, most of his body is convulsing gently. LISTER topples off the side of his chair and sits down heavily on the floor] [-- 18 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------13:37--] [A plain black screen. Text appears:] "5 minutes sshhlater..." [-- 19 - Int. Cell -------------------------------------------------13:41--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] [LISTER has managed to regain his seat, but apart from that, nothing has changed. Both RIMMER and LISTER sit quietly, wobbling gently and looking decidedly ill] [Enter ACKERMAN] ACKERMAN In-spec-tion! [ACKERMAN's smile disappears as the pair ignore him, and he glares down at them] ACKERMAN On your feet... [RIMMER and LISTER do as ordered; or, at least, try. Several long moments later, both have succeeded in pushing themselves to their feet] ACKERMAN Stand by your bunks... [ACKERMAN moves aside and, with great care, RIMMER and LISTER make a dive for the bunks, each managing to grab the top bed and hold themselves upright. ACKERMAN takes a sniff of the demijohn standing on the table, grimaces, and walks across the room to stand between RIMMER and LISTER in front of the bunks] ACKERMAN You're drunk. LISTER Drunk, shir? [LISTER shakes his head emphatically then finds it difficult to stop] LISTER No, sir. RIMMER Absolutelly not, sir, no. No, no. No. [ACKERMAN ponders for a moment] ACKERMAN Who fancies a kebab? LISTER Oh yeah! RIMMER Me, sir, me! LISTER Oh smeg... he's shticked us. [RIMMER passes out and falls stiffly to the floor. LISTER points and giggles, then thinks hard for a few seconds] LISTER Musht've been tshe jshelly shtrifle for lunch, shir. Told him not to go back for seconds, sir. [LISTER rests his head against ACKERMAN's shoulder and instantly falls asleep, snoring softly. ACKERMAN looks out of the cell] ACKERMAN Call the medi-bay; we need two stomach pumps. [ACKERMAN stares at LISTER with disgust] ACKERMAN Super-suck... [-- 20 - Int. Mess hall --------------------------------------------15:29--] [KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT, other prisoners present] [Enter BAXTER, two cronies] KOCHANSKI It's Baxter... [BAXTER menaces across the mess hall and leans over the Dwarfer's table] BAXTER Your two mates stole my hooch; and when they get out of hospital, and there's no guards about, this is what's gonna happen to them... [BAXTER picks up two bread buns from the table in front of CAT and crushes them in his fists. He giggles insanely] CAT You're gonna squeeze their rolls? That's irritating, but hey, in many ways they'll be quite relieved! [Exit BAXTER] KRYTEN What've I done!? [-- 21 - Int. Red Dwarf medibay ------------------------------------16:13--] [LISTER, RIMMER present] [The pair are laid in hospital beds and hooked up to I.V.'s] RIMMER Uaaahhhhh... [Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN] [KOCHANSKI is sat in a wheelchair, which KRYTEN is pushing. In an attempt to look like legitimate patients, both are dressed in white gowns, KOCHANSKI has a large saucepan apparently stuck over her head, and KRYTEN's head has been dotted with blue blobs of Blu-tak] KOCHANSKI Baxter's out to mash you - you've got to escape. We all have. KRYTEN Security's lax, here. If we can make it to the landing bay, and steal a ship, well, Bob's your Skutter! RIMMER Where's the Cat? KRYTEN He should be getting himself hospitalised any second. [-- 22 - Int. Mess hall --------------------------------------------16:40--] [Three bulky prisoners are sat on a bench beside a table, eating meals from trays] [Enter CAT] [CAT steps over the bench and proceeds to lever himself a space between two of the men, his elbows, knees and feet all causing the other men obvious annoyance as he pushes them aside. All three prisoners stare menacingly at CAT, but say nothing. CAT gestures down the table and speaks to the man previously in the middle of the three prisoners] CAT Pass the salt, would you? [As the man looks away to get the salt, CAT grabs a handful of fries from the burly prisoner's tray and stuffs them into his mouth. As he turns back, the man glances at his lighter tray, then at CAT, who points past him to the prisoner sat at the end of the table] CAT That guy there took some of your fries. [Despite the ludicrous suggestion, the big man looks at the other prisoner anyway, who stares back impassively and goes back to his meal while CAT helps himself to the other man's tray twice more. The burly prisoner stares at CAT again] BIG MEAT What in the hell are you doin' - [BIG MEAT casts a disdainful eye at CAT's haircut] BIG MEAT - Shirley? [CAT glances at the man's large stomach] CAT I'm stealing your fries, fatboy. [While BIG MEAT looks on incredulously, CAT elbows past him, grabs two more mouthfuls of fries, steals his drink to wash them down, then picks up his sausage and bites off a chunk. CAT then grabs the spoon from BIG MEAT's hand and takes two spoonfuls of the man's trifle before tossing the spoon down onto the tray] CAT Mmm. This is good. Tasty. [BIG MEAT stares coldly at CAT and speaks slowly and menacingly] BIG MEAT There ain't no one more bad-ass *evil* in the whole of hell! What makes you think you can diss me and live? CAT Cos things are changin' 'round here. From now on, marshmallow ass, you're my bitch! [Suddenly CAT closes his eyes and thrusts his jaw out at BIG MEAT, who simply stares at him in amazement] BIG MEAT Your what? CAT B - I - itch, 'bitch'! That's what you look like; that's what you are! Understand? [Again CAT squeezes his eyes shut and thrusts out his jaw, muscles tensed] [BIG MEAT is motionless for a moment, then suddenly he seems to sag] BIG MEAT Okay! CAT What? BIG MEAT Anyone who tough-talks me gotta be a no-loadin' pug! You want me to be your bitch, that's *fine* by me! Sir! CAT You sure you don't want to just hit me a couple of times, test me out? BIG MEAT No, sir! I'm your bitch! From now on I'm your jiggly-wiggly, roll-over, sweet-patooey, honey-bun missy! I just wan' make you happy! CAT Then hit me! [CAT offers his jaw desperately] BIG MEAT And hurt my baby's kisser? Nothin' doin'! [BIG MEAT puts his huge arms around CAT and smiles broadly. CAT turns away as much as he can, panic on his face] CAT Damn! [-- 23 - Int. Red Dwarf medi-bay ------------------------------Raz--18:52--] [LISTER present, RIMMER, NURSE present] [Exit NURSE] [Enter CAT] [CAT presses himself up against the corner he just entered around, checking behind him to check if the NURSE noticed anything peculiar. It's easy to see what he's worried about - he is dressed in a nurse's yellow-checked utility dress and white cap. Satisfied the NURSE has left, CAT totters to LISTER's bedside on a pair of high heels and pretends to check his pulse. His eyes closed, LISTER smiles and raises his head, then grimaces in surprise] CAT We can't hang around, we've gotta be out of here by five o'clock! LISTER What's so special about five o'clock? CAT Five o'clock's bed-bath time! And apparently, I'm doin' them! [-- 24 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------19:20--] [Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT] [KRYTEN unfastens the cover of an access tube set into the wall of the corridor and the Dwarfers file out] [-- 25 - Int. Red Dwarf Landing bay 2 ------------------------------19:26--] [The Dwarfers approach a dark and empty section of corridors leading towards the landing bay. A short way along a corridor, a film of some gelatinous, lumpy substance coats the various metal surfaces, and the whole section steams and drips steadily as the metal corrodes away] [Enter KRYTEN, LISTER] KRYTEN The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes - it's on Red Dwarf! [Enter RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT] LISTER How? RIMMER The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the one Talia whatsername arrived on. LISTER We've gotta go back and tell them. RIMMER But what about our escape? LISTER It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now, they've got a chance to work on an antidote. RIMMER You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you? KOCHANSKI No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture. RIMMER Yeah, 'the big picture' involves you, no clothes and a haystack. [-- 26 - Int. Central chamber, floor 13 ----------------------------20:01--] [Prisoners, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present] [HOLLISTER stands on the the first level balcony that circles the chamber and looks down at the inmates] HOLLISTER Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism. As you probably know, we don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued, so most of you will be staying behind to die. Oh, there's an apology about that in the internal mail. [-- 27 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------20:18--] [Red Dwarf cruises through space, as several squadrons of Blue Midget and Starbug transport craft stream away] [-- 28 - Int. Landing bay 2, corroding corridor --------------------20:28--] [KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present] [KRYTEN holds a test tube, and gingerly collects a quantity of the dark brown, jelly-like microbe] KRYTEN Just as I thought. Created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass. CAT So all we need is a plutonium powered greenhouse and we're home free! KRYTEN We need an antidote. Something that can neutralise the corrosive negativity of the microbe. LISTER Something with a corrosive *positivity*? CAT So where do we get that? HOLLY [on LISTER's wristwatch] There's nothing in Yellow Pages. KOCHANSKI A mirror universe! A universe where things are diametrically opposite to this one. There, negative becomes positive, and a virus becomes an antidote. [-- 29 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------20:59--] [KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present] [KRYTEN fusses over a small device he has placed on a platform in the centre of the room. KRYTEN powers up his machine, and a shimmering beam of light streams from the unit and into the prism positioned in front of it. The light emerges on the other side of the prism, circled by diminishing concentric rings, continuing forward until it strikes a tall mirror hung on the wall. The mirror 'ripples' as the beam perturbs its surface] KRYTEN If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't know until we get there. [LISTER gestures to RIMMER to lead on. Holding the tube of microbes in his right hand, RIMMER steps through the mirror...] [-- 30 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:18--] [RIMMER present] [...and emerges in a mirror image of the room he just left. RIMMER holds up the test tube, surprised to see that he now holds it in his left hand, and that its contents have turned white] [-- 31 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:22--] [KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present] [An angry pop and a flash of sparks come from KRYTEN's machine, and the beam of light abruptly cuts off. KOCHANSKI, in the act of following RIMMER, finds herself colliding with a suddenly solid mirror] [-- 32 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:25--] [RIMMER present] [RIMMER notices the mirror solidify behind him and spins around, panicked. He checks the now-solid surface closely, but there's nothing he can do] [-- 33 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:28--] [KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present] [The machine fizzles and pops, showering sparks and sending a cloud of smoke spiralling upwards] KRYTEN It's overloaded! We've lost Mister Rimmer! CAT At last, things are looking up! LISTER How long's it going to take to fix that thing? KRYTEN Well, best guess, about twenty minutes. [-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:39--] [RIMMER looks around the room. We see a close up on a TV screen, which is showing an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is carrying a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet that kicks its legs and howls melodramatically. There is a knock on the door. RIMMER realises what is going on, and dives to the bed, taking off his boots. The caller knocks again, while RIMMER finds a blanket tucked behind a pillow on the bed] [-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Corridor outside recovery room ------22:00--] [CREWMEMBER present] [Close up: a CREWMEMBER knocks again on the door] [-- 35 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------22:02--] [RIMMER has managed to slip under the blanket. The door slides open and RIMMER hastily grabs the microbe tube and stuffs it under the blanket] [Enter MIRROR HOLLISTER] [M.HOLLISTER is carrying a tray with a drink and clipboard on it, and smiles sycophantically] M.HOLLISTER Can I come in, sir? I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear? Here's your hot lemon, sir. [RIMMER takes a sip, before handing the glass back and glancing at the insignias on M.HOLLISTER's shirt] RIMMER Thank you, erm... Private... nobody. M.HOLLISTER Oh, er, a few directives to sign, sir. RIMMER Of course, laddie. [RIMMER takes the clipboard and turns to the second page, then scowls] RIMMER A free pardon, exonerating you from all crimes? [RIMMER tears out the false directive and throws it away. M.HOLLISTER exhales loudly] M.HOLLISTER Oohhh, I don't know how that got in there, sir, I, er... I... RIMMER Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie? M.HOLLISTER Oh, sir, could I? One day, could I be? RIMMER No, I don't think you could. [RIMMER takes a pen and tries to sign a directive, but his arm refuses to control the pen properly] RIMMER Of course, it's a mirror universe, everything's opposite... [RIMMER puts the pen in his left hand and signs the directive. Suddenly, a thought occurs to him and he grins excitedly. Lifting the blanket, he glances downwards, stares intently for a few moments and swallows] RIMMER My God... this is gonna take some getting used to... [Enter MIRROR TALIA] M.TALIA They said it was okay to drop by... You look wonderful... RIMMER So do you... [To M.HOLLISTER:] That'll be all, shambles. M.HOLLISTER Yes, sir. M.TALIA You made Captain - [Exit MIRROR HOLLISTER] M.TALIA You've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps. RIMMER So have I! M.TALIA Let me kiss you. [As M.TALIA leans forward, RIMMER grabs her eagerly and presses her lips to his in a passionate kiss. Immediately, though, the woman tries to squirm away, making muffled protests. RIMMER realises the problem and releases her] M.TALIA What are you doing!? RIMMER I'm giving you a big, wet snog, with oodles of Tommy-tongue! M.TALIA But I'm your sister! [Shock paints RIMMER's face, and he sits bolt upright in the bed] RIMMER Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you. I, erm... M.TALIA You French-kissed me! RIMMER No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgium-kissed you. I - I - I... urrrgghh... I've been really ill... You're the Captain's sister? [RIMMER begins to hyperventilate, then passes out. Seconds later, he lets out an abrupt groan and sits up again] RIMMER Oh, my god, what a terrible dream! Oh, hi, sis! It's me, Arnie, your bro! Get your big ol' lumpy bum down here and give'us a big hug! [RIMMER reaches out, catching M.TALIA's nose between his fingers playfully and shaking her head, but she pulls her nose free and backs away, appalled] M.TALIA Captain Rimmer! I am Sister Talia Garrett; your personal spiritual advisor! [M.TALIA lets out a strained whimper and flees] [Exit M.TALIA] RIMMER Sis! Sister... whoever you are! Oh, smeg! [-- 36 - Int. Mirror universe, Science office ----------------------24:50--] [MIRROR KOCHANSKI present] [M.KOCHANSKI sits at a desk engrossed in a magazine. In this mirror universe, she has tumbling blonde curls, and is wearing a pink satin blouse] [Enter RIMMER] RIMMER Excuse me? M.KOCHANSKI Yes? [M.KOCHANSKI speaks in a nasal voice, and doesn't look up from her magazine] RIMMER I wonder, could you tell me what this is? [M.KOCHANSKI frowns at the tube RIMMER holds up] M.KOCHANSKI You'll have to ask the professor, then. He does all that stupid, sciencey brain-box type stuff. [A door, marked 'HAZARD AREA' mirrored backwards, swings open] [Enter MIRROR CAT] [The MIRROR CAT is wearing a tweed suit, bow tie and glasses, and wears his hair in a short afro cut] M.CAT Somebody call? RIMMER Professor!? M.CAT Yes, Captain? RIMMER Perhaps you could help me. What's this? [RIMMER hands him the test tube, which M.CAT sniffs] M.CAT Hmm. [M.CAT glances at the tube under a microscope, then holds it up once more and frowns at the contents] M.CAT Hmmm, its an alkali. RIMMER Oh yes? What's it called? M.CAT Soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide. You look surprised. RIMMER I never thought I'd ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me? M.CAT Certainly. [To M.KOCHANSKI:] Can I have an extremely *long* piece of paper, my dear? [-- 37 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------25:36--] [The mirror universe machine has apparently been fixed. It sends its beam through the mirror once more, and is working well enough to allow RIMMER's leg to pass through the glass, quickly followed by the rest of him] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER is holding the piece of paper with the formula, but appears to have left his test tube behind. As he enters the room fully, the beam of light from KRYTEN's machine fades away and disappears] RIMMER The antidote; I did it! [RIMMER quickly realises that the room is empty. More worryingly, red warning lights pulse over the metal walls of the corridor outside. [-- 38 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room -----------------------25:44--] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from ruptured pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all around. RIMMER pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in panic] RIMMER Wha - Where is everyone? DISPENSER They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You're the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I *suppose* that makes you Captain - congratulations, Cap. RIMMER Smeg off! [-- 39 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------26:05--] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER dashes back into the recovery room but realises that the device is off and the doorway to the mirror universe is closed. He glances at t
RED DWARF SCRIPTS
Scripts from seasons 1 to 8 of the Red Dwarf series.
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Season 8 Episode 8, Only the Good.
Labels:
Season 8
Season 8 Episode 7, Peter Part 2
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 7 -- PETE, part 2 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 0.3 5 - 6 April, 1999 Raz / raz@matrixcity.org http://www.matrixcity.org [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] "Last time on Red Dwarf" [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Several crewmembers stand stock-still. A pingpong game was obviously in progress, too. Two crewmen are hunched over the table, and the ball hangs motionless and unsupported in the air just in front of one of the players] [Enter LISTER, RIMMER, BIRDMAN] [BIRDMAN has found a cage for PETE, and carries it with him] RIMMER What happenned to everyone? LISTER It's like they're all frozen on the spot. RIMMER Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her. LISTER Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy! [LISTER plucks the pingpong ball from mid-air, tosses it up in the air and catches it then pockets it] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KOCHANSKI We've found this machine that can digitise Time, and we can release jets of it [...] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KRYTEN It seems to have restored your hair to a previous Time period to the rest of you. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] CAT [...] It was an accident! [Spinning CAT around, BAXTER shoves him head first through the dispensing hatch, before addressing the voice-recognition unit] BAXTER Hot Bovril! CAT Aaaagghhh! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] CAT [...] Fix him with the Time wand! KRYTEN Watch this! [KRYTEN zaps BAXTER's dinner tray, turning the man's cooked chicken into something alive and clucking. Startled, BAXTER sweeps the chicken off the table, turning to glare at his pals who are laughing loudly. He elbows the man beside him in the face] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] BIRDMAN And this is Pete. [...] BIRDMAN The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im! LISTER He really loved that bird, it was only thing that kept him going. KRYTEN I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think the Time Wand could bring him back to life; make him young and strong again. Watch: [KRYTEN taps instructions into the Time Wand, then zaps Pete's cage. There's is a huge explosion - the bird disappears, and Birdman is sent sprawling, losing his glasses in the process. As Birdman scrabbles around on the floor, and the Dwarfers stand over the smoking remains of the cage, there is a resounding boom as a gargantuan, scaly foot slams down onto the deck] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Roaring menacingly, a massive Tyranosaurus Rex towers above the amazed humans, who begin backpeddling almost unconsciously] LISTER Where the *hell* did Barney's ugly brother come from?? KRYTEN From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod family. I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years! [...] [Still without his glasses, Birdman suddenly finds a large, bird's foot-like object scant inches from his face. He reaches out and fumbles at Pete's smooth central claw] BIRDMAN [...] Is that you, Pete? KOCHANSKI Birdman! [Pete eats BIRDMAN] KRYTEN What now, sir? RIMMER Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KRYTEN Hey! Hey! Pete, eat me! Here! Bob! Bob, catch! [KRYTEN throws the TIme Wand to the SKUTTER, who catches it in its claw] LISTER Bob! [Pete, towing over the Skutter, leans down and swallows the robot whole] KRYTEN Bob! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] LISTER Come on Kryten, hurry up! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Inside Pete, BOB the SKUTTER breaks the surface of a vat of stomach acids, waggling his empty claw momentarily, BOB lowers himself into the depths once more] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [LISTER holds open the large food bay doors long enough for KRYTEN to dash through, then seals them closed. Pete bashes his head against them, and they buckle as if made of rubber] KRYTEN Leg it mode, sir! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--] LISTER We've lost the time wand. CAT How the hell're we going to get rid of that thing now? RIMMER We're finished! LISTER Stop yelling, man, we've gotta think our way out of this. RIMMER We're finished! LISTER Shut up and get a grip, man! RIMMER I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just - I was - Look, I'm better now. Can I just say one thing? LISTER Yeah, go on. RIMMER We're finished! LISTER Holl, we need some advice, man. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in it's stomach. What's your take on the situation? HOLLY What do you want, the long or the short version? LISTER Ooh... long. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLY You're finished. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] CAT What's the short version?? [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLY 'Bye. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KOCHANSKI Kryten? KRYTEN Er, yes, ma'am? KOCHANSKI How long, in the normal course of things, will it take for Pete to pass the Time Wand out of his system? KRYTEN Well, strangely enough, ma'am, I don't have that information in my database. My programmers, for some insane reason, decided that 'dinosaur bowel movement frequency' tables wouldn't be required. Imbeciles! LISTER Why? What's your suggestion? KOCHANSKI Well, the quicker we get the Time Wand back, the better, right? LISTER Right. KOCHANSKI Right. So, why don't we lure Pete into the food bay and get him to eat some roughage! CAT Get a T-Rex to eat roughage? KOCHANSKI Yeah! All-Bran, prunes, baked beans on toast, that sort of stuff. RIMMER We can't even get Lister to eat that sort of stuff, let alone a seven-ton dinosaur! KOCHANSKI Look, the more roughage, the quicker we get the Time Wand back. Have you got any better ideas? RIMMER Yes, I have got a better idea, actually. I'm going to kill myself. LISTER We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead. RIMMER Keep him quiet? He's rampaging about the food decks making more noise than two yodelling champions on honeymoon! Everyone on the ship will have heard him by now. KRYTEN But, sir, the crew are frozen, operating on a different Time stream. Now, if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before the freeze expires, no one need be any the wiser. CAT He's right. I just listened to everthing he said and I still ain't got a clue what's happenning. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [SKUTTER catches buttons on the Time Wand and unfreezes the crew] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [CAT is at the controls of a JMC fork-lift truck, and KRYTEN shouts directions. The Dwarfers have converted a huge, bright yellow, inflatable dinghy into a temporary food bowl - a large 'D I N O' has been scrawled on the side, and the thing is full to the brim with hideous brown watery substance] KRYTEN Right over, sir. We don't want a gap. Right over. [CAT throws a lever, and the fork-lift lowers a frozen whole cow slowly into the mixture] RIMMER Cow vindaloo? It's not gonna work. LISTER Of course it's gonna work. RIMMER T-Rex's don't like curry. LISTER They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries. If a T-Rex was a bloke he'd be a Geordie. The kind of guy who wears t-shirts in the middle of winter and his nipples don't even get hard. RIMMER A seven-ton Theropod is not going to eat Indian food. They like flesh. Preferably living, liberally coated in blood with a side-order of intestines, and an extra portion of blood. A bit like the French in that respect. LISTER Look, we've got nothing to lose. And if the worst comes to the worst, and the dino doesn't it, I'll scoff it myself. [Pete suddenly breaks a foot through the bottom of the once-sealed doors] LISTER That door's not gonna hold out much longer. RIMMER If only that damn T-Rex felt like I do now; he wouldn't even *need* a curry. [CAT and KRYTEN are pouring bags of bran into the jerry-rigged food bowl] LISTER Don't put that stuff in, you're gonna spoil the taste! KOCHANSKI Here he comes! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Pete takes an experimental sniff at the contents of the bowl, then begins slurping noisily] LISTER It's loving it! Maybe we should have made some poppadums, gone the whole hog? CAT The whole hog? Like it wasn't hard enough getting the whole cow? [Pete raises his head high and shakes it] LISTER I think he wants a lager. [Pete abruptly stops moving, then lowers his head slowly. Suddenly, his eyes bug out, his nostrils flare and lets out a piercing screech] LISTER It was a hot one, but with it being a dino I thought it could stand it! [Yowling piteously, Pete stomps back and forth looking for relief. Finally he smashes through an iron wall and disappears from view] [Enter GUARDS] KRYTEN The Time freeze on the guards must have... If only those buttons were more clearly marked! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--] HOLLISTER The rules about dinosaurs aboard JMC mining ships are very clear. No pets. Am I right? Am I right!? RIMMER, LISTER Yes, sir. HOLLISTER Have you any idea the damage that thing has caused? RIMMER, LISTER No, sir. HOLLISTER It has eaten our entire supply - two and a half tons - of mint-choc ice cream. I *love* mint-choc ice cream, and that damn dino has eaten every last bit. RIMMER We were just trying to get the Time Wand back, sir. HOLLISTER It has also eaten four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and drank all the Coca-Cola. Guess what? RIMMER You love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola, sir? HOLLISTER I love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola. LISTER Sir, if you could just let us - HOLLISTER And do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, and then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and swills the whole thing down with two thousand gallons of a popular fizzy drink? Do you know what happens? LISTER It burps? HOLLISTER Oh, it burps. And do you know what happenned to the poor brave men who had the misfortune to get in the way of that burp? RIMMER They went 'phwoooarrr!'? HOLLISTER It took out the entire platoon, hurling them twenty feet across the cargo bay wall. RIMMER Sir, I hope this one, small dinosaur incident won't tarnish an otherwise flawless service record, sir. HOLLISTER Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and swills it all down with two thousand gallons of a popular fizzy drink, *after* it's burped? RIMMER It feels sick? HOLLISTER Oh no! It doesn't *feel* sick, Rimmer - it *is* sick! Five of our best men nearly drowned! Two others are in hospital, concussed by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks. LISTER We are really, deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir. HOLLISTER Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo, then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by - LISTER Oh god, it didn't? HOLLISTER It didn't what, Lister? LISTER It didn't get a diarrhea attack, did it? HOLLISTER One hundred percent correct! And, do you know what happenned to the battalion that was sneaking up on the beast - from behind - of which I was a proud member? Do ya know? Do ya know what happenned? RIMMER Got a fair idea, sir. LISTER Yes, sir. A fair idea, sir. HOLLISTER A tidal wave. Fifteen feet high. I will be in therapy for the rest of my life. I've had twelve baths, and three showers. Now, do you have *anything* to say? RIMMER Yes, sir, I think you missed a bit up your left nostril, sir. [HOLLISTER picks up the Time Wand from his desk] HOLLISTER No one knows how to work this thing. It is sedated in the cargo bay - turn it back into a sparrow! LISTER Sir, erm, what about Bob? Did he show up? HOLLISTER Who the hell do you think landed on my head? He is in repairs, being oiled. Bring back the sparrow, and, if you try anything smart, you're dead. RIMMER, LISTER Yes, sir. HOLLISTER And, if I ever, ever, *ever*, see you in this office again, you are finished. See ya in ten minutes? [LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand] HOLLISTER See ya in ten minutes? [LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand] HOLLISTER See ya in ten minutes? [LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand] HOLLISTER See ya in ten minutes? [LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand] HOLLISTER See ya in ten minutes? [LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand] HOLLISTER See ya in ten minutes? [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KOCHANSKI Did you get punishment duty too? KRYTEN I've got to iron eight-hundred prison smocks. I don't understand... KOCHANSKI Ohh... KRYTEN Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward? Eight-hundred! Bliss! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] LISTER Did you see the Captain's report? The one lying open on his desk? See what it said about you? He used the word 'imbecile' four times in one sentence. RIMMER Oh yeah? What were the other words in the sentence? LISTER Just your name, and a dash. RIMMER I don't know, you make a couple of tiny mistakes - you give the Captain a virus that eats all his hair off, then you accidentally turn a sparrow into a dinosaur and you never hear the last of it! Pssshhhhh. He really thinks I'm an imbecile? I'm finished, I'm never going to make it into High Command now. LISTER It's just the people who know you who think you're an imbecile. Everyone else thinks you're a moron. [Enter HOLLISTER] [RIMMER, facing away from the door, does not realise. LISTER spots him, and begins dropping meaningful glances in the man's direction] LISTER He is a good Captain, though, Captain Hollister, isn't he, eh? On the ball. Quick. [LISTER surreptitiously points over RIMMER's shoulder, but RIMMER isn't looking at him] RIMMER Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar. LISTER You do admire him though, don't you? RIMMER Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick-and-mix factory in his quarters? A man who has a walk-in fridge? Who lists as his hobbies 'chewing' and 'swallowing'? LISTER You did tell me once before, though, you do respect *him*, don't ya? LISTER Respect him? A man who's family crest is made up of two cream buns and a profitarole? A man who's idea of a light snack -- He's standing behind me, isn't he? HOLLISTER Yes, he is. [RIMMER leaps to his feet and stands to attention] RIMMER I was just talking about you, sir. I was saying what a big fat lump of blubber I think you are, and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday doesn't appear to have had any strange side-effects whatsoever - [RIMMER suddenly appears to be seized by a spasm. His head tosses wildly and he makes unintelligable sounds as his lips and cheeks flap. HOLLISTER watches and waits, unimpressed] HOLLISTER You forgot this. You left it in my office. D'you have any idea the damage that this could cause if it got into the wrong hands? LOOK AFTER IT! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--] [KOCHANSKI is crouched over on her floor, staring under her bunk and poking a broom into the dark corners beneath] KOCHANSKI You're there, I *know* you're there, you little sod! Come on, out! Out! [Enter KRYTEN] KOCHANSKI There's a mouse under here, its been scuttling around for about ten minutes. KRYTEN It's not a mouse, ma'am, it's Archie. KOCHANSKI Archie? KRYTEN My penis. It must have escaped. KOCHANSKI You know, I'm really going to have to get my ears syringed; do you know what that sounded like to me? KRYTEN I made one. KOCHANSKI Forget my ears, maybe my whole *brain* needs syringing... You made one? KRYTEN Mmm. Out of an old electron board, a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper. KOCHANSKI Kryten, why do you want one? KRYTEN It's so humiliating, being posted to the Women's Wing just because I'm genitally challenged! So I decided to make one like Mister Lister's. Little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop and made a break for it during the night. KOCHANSKI No wonder I couldn't lure him out with a bit of cheese. This whole thing's making sense now. KRYTEN Just leave this to me, ma'am. Here, Archie! Here, boy! KOCHANSKI There he is! [A small, gibbering critter suddenly hurls itself out and across the floor, tears around the room like a miniature whirlwind and shoots back under the bunk, where KRYTEN traps it under a bucket. Undeterred, the gibbering thing nudges the bucket out from under the bunk, lurches around for a moment, then whizzes out of the cell door and down a corridor] KOCHANSKI Kryten, do you realise what this means? KRYTEN No, ma'am. KOCHANSKI It means you're a real man. KRYTEN It does? Why? KOCHANSKI Because now, like all men, you have absolutely no control over your penis. KRYTEN I'm so proud! Archie, come back! [Enter GUARD] GUARD All right, girls? New Canary mission. KOCHANSKI What? GUARD Un-tamed dino on the loose! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KOCHANSKI We're not going in 'till we know what we're doing. RIMMER That could take years... [KOCHANSKI spots LISTER toying with the Time Wand] KOCHANSKI You... point that thing at yourself and you could end up as a - a - sperm! Is that what you want? CAT Hell no! None of my suits will fit! KILL CRAZY Well, if that gizmo thing don't work, Captain says we gotta go in and 'ave that thing. BAXTER And we ain't usin' no guns. KILL CRAZY Yeah, huns are for wusses. It's gonna be hand-to-hand combat. [KILL CRAZY performs a few amateur martial arts moves] RIMMER A fistfight with T-Rex..? KILL CRAZY Yeah, but them T-Rexes, mate... only got little arms, in't they... ain't got no reach... Yeah, I'll just pick it off... Bosh! [KILL CRAZY enthusiastically punches the air a few times] BAXTER Can't reach anyfin' with them little arms. RIMMER That's probably why they're always a bit grumpy... [RIMMER mimes trying to reach down his body with a T-Rex's small forearms] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [The Dwarfers, with their Canary troop, scramble along a corridor] [Suddenly, CAT pulls up short, shock and terror on his face] CAT Oh my god..! KOCHANSKI What! CAT Something's wrong! LISTER What d'you mean, man?? CAT Something's inside me and it wants to get out! KOCHANSKI Oh my god! CAT Aaaarrggg! Help!! [Tearing his clothes open, CAT sinks to the ground and falls onto his back. sure enough, a strange, gibbering thing is wiggling around under CAT's shirt] RIMMER What is it?? KRYTEN I think it's Archie, sir. LISTER It's who? KOCHANSKI He escaped earlier - probably followed us. Must have dozed off in the Cat's pocket and just woken up. LISTER Who the smeg is Archie? KRYTEN Oh, don't be alarmed, sir. It's just my penis is on the loose. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KILL CRAZY, BAXTER Yaaarrrggg!! [The crazed pair leap out from the wall of the corridor, separating RIMMER and LISTER from the others, and squaring off with them] BAXTER We, want a barny with Barney - don't want any sane people spoilin' it... KILL CRAZY Death... or glory... yee-harr! LISTER Hang on guys, come on, wait a minute... [BAXTER grabs the TIme Wand from Lister, and grunts ineffectually as he stabs buttons stupidly on its control panel. Sparks and spurts of blue electrical light splash over RIMMER and LISTER, apparently without effect] BAXTER This thing's useless! [BAXTER tosses the Time Wand over his shoulder. BAXTER grabs LISTER's face and pulls him close to his own. KILL CRAZY similarly grabs RIMMER] BAXTER Say goodbye to your teeth... [BAXTER draws his fist back and punches LISTER solidly in the mouth, but then grabs his hand, wincing in pain as LISTER doesn't move. He punches again, with as little effect as his first] LISTER Something's not right... we're gettin' our butts kicked and it doesn't hurt..? [BAXTER lands a third punch on LISTER's mouth, still with no effect] LISTER See, look, I'm not even bleeding. [KILL CRAZY tries his luck, landing a fist first in RIMMER's gut, then across his mouth. RIMMER looks at him disdainfully] RIMMER You're right... [BAXTER tries a change of tactics, grabs LISTER by his lapels and tries pushing him backwards. After a few seconds gasping, he gives up. KILL CRAZY tries the same on RIMMER, also to no avail. Simultaneously, the two psychos land a stomach punch then a cross to the jaws of LISTER and RIMMER, then stare incredulously as the pair grin back at them] [KRYTEN is checking the Time Wand's control panel] KRYTEN According to this, sirs, they've put your bodies on a different Time stream to the rest of you. BAXTER Let's go! [KILL CRAZY and BAXTER turn and sprint away, passing KRYTEN and snatching the Time Wand from his hands as they pass. Several other Canaries follow them] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. -
Labels:
Season 8
Season 8, Episode 6. Pete Part 1
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 6 -- PETE, part 1 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 0.4 26 March, 1999 Raz / raz@matrixcity.org http://www.matrixcity.org Credits for corrections: Brett Dunbar [-- 1 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- 2 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- 3 - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, GOVENOR ACKERMAN present] [ENTER LISTER, RIMMER] HOLLISTER I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much respected officer yesterday. RIMMER That is just not true, sir. We played a prank on Mister Ackerman, sir - Oh, I *see*... HOLLISTER What happenned? LISTER We inserted a capsule of the truth serum, sodium pentathol, into his asthma inhaler, sir. HOLLISTER Ah, which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologised for being late, saying he'd been having 'jiggy-jiggy' with the Science Officer's wife, and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit... RIMMER Permission to snigger, sir? HOLLISTER Permission refused. RIMMER May have to snigger anyway, sir... [The pair bow their heads and proceed to do just that] HOLLISTER Do either of you have anything to say? LISTER About what, sir? HOLLISTER About Mister Ackerman! About him being late, and wearing a Batman outfit? LISTER Has he considered being Tarzan? Costume change'd be much quicker. HOLLISTER You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig. Do you *want* to get out? Ever? LISTER It's that Mister Ackerman's so... ... *horrible*, sir. ACKERMAN I am *not*, sir! I'm extremely nice! Lovely, in fact. Warm; caring, but most of all, nice. Hence my nickname: 'Nicey' Ackerman. That's why I entered the service, sir; so I could share my sunny disposition with *inmate scum* who didn't have my start in life. RIMMER Sir, he's been horrible since the day we first met him: [-- 4 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [Flashback to the Dwarfer's first day in the Tank. The inmates are lined up at the base of a circular chamber] ACKERMAN Today, we have a new intake. To them, I say: obey the rules; keep out of trouble, and you time here will pass much more pleasantly. Welcome to Floor 13. CAT Seems like a nice guy! [ACKERMAN steps up to CAT, suddenly elbows him in the stomach, thumps him several times with his nightstick, then hauls him to his to his feet] ACKERMAN If you want to speak, ask my permission. CAT I was just saying how nice you seemed! ACKERMAN You spoke again. [Enter WARDEN KNOT] [ACKERMAN and KNOT proceed to beat CAT with fists and nightsticks, drawing winces from RIMMER and LISTER. ACKERMAN draws CAT upright again] CAT But I was paying you a compliment, buddy! I was saying how you seemed to be a fair-minded, okay kind of guy; not one of these psycho-types you sometimes get running around prisons. [ACKERMAN seems concerned that somehow he is being misunderstood, but this soon passes in favour of an amused smile] ACKERMAN You spoke again! [He and KNOT lay into the clueless feline once more. A guard from the rear of the lines joins in. CAT struggles to reach up and tap LISTER on the shoulder] CAT Come on, dude, back me up! [LISTER does his best to ignore events, and left to his own devices, CAT suddenly realises something] CAT Hang on, wait! I get it, I should shut up! If I shut up they'll stop hitting me. [CAT takes a deep breath and exaggeratedly clamps his mouth shut. Instantly his assailants stop their blows. ACKERMAN nods approvingly, sets CAT back onto his feet and stands him back in line. CAT smiles with satisfaction at working out this conundrum] CAT That is definitely the key! [CAT is grabbed from behind by ACKERMAN, KNOT and the guard, and a second GUARD steps in to assist in the renewed pummeling] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [HOLLISTER, ACKERMAN, RIMMER, LISTER present] ACKERMAN That is totally untrue, sir! HOLLISTER Save it. ACKERMAN What actually happenned - HOLLISTER Save it! Save it, Mister Ackerman. I've thought long and hard about a suitable punishment, and I've come up with this: you, and a team of your choice, will play Basketball against a team of guards led by Mister Ackerman - ACKERMAN God bless you, sir. HOLLISTER - where you will be trounced and humiliated in front of the entire inmate population. RIMMER But sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp! HOLLISTER You better win, then! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--] [Lister's team losing badly, guards body-checking and punching them] [Half-time sounds] [Score 48-3 to guards] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Okay guys, way to go! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KRYTEN Where were you? KOCHANSKI Where was I? KRYTEN You were supposed to be picking up Rice! KOCHANSKI I did. We're meeting up for drinks on Thursday. KRYTEN Not that kind of 'picking up', you ninny. CAT Buddies, we've gotta stop arguing, we can't lose this! LISTER Got it all taken care of... RIMMER As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice... LISTER Yeah, the Skutters managed to smuggles something out of the medi-lab for us, y'know that stuff that helps impotent guys put the zest back in their love lives? KRYTEN 'Boing!', the virility enhancement drug!? LISTER That's the stuff, and we've Mickey Finn'd their drinks. RIMMER Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation, and, it doesn't wear off for seven hours. KRYTEN For seven hours those guys are going to be like catapults! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KRYTEN [OOS] That's going to seriously slow them down. CAT [OOS] You're not kidding - [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] CAT Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Get out there and kill! They're lambs to the slaughter! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Go on, go get 'em! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Dwarfer's team running rings round guards, who can't stand straight or move fast] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Come on! Get your hands up! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [48-5] [48-19] [48-36] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Get your hands up, don't let them shoot! Don't let them shoot! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [48-42] [48-49] [48-53] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Thoroughly depressed, HOLLISTER takes a long draw from a guard's bottle of juice, and within seconds notices a distinct feeling of movement in his trousers] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present] [Enter RIMMER, LISTER] HOLLISTER Seven hours. Do you know how *long* that is? I couldn't remove my shorts until after midnight! When I wanted a leak I had to do a handstand on the toilet seat. I stopped the lift doors from closing; I wasn't even catching a lift! Where'd you get it, the medi-lab? LISTER Yes, sir. HOLLISTER How? If it was one of those damn Skutters I'm gonna have it crushed. LISTER It was, er - [coughs] It was me, sir. When the doc's back was turned. I went up to the medi-lab for a sicknote but the doctor thought I was feigning illness. He didn't accept it was possible to have Athelete's Hand. HOLLISTER First thing tomorrow you're on spud-duty for two weeks. Now get out of my sight, both of ya's... [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] [RIMMER has a draughts board in front of him on the table; he makes a three- hop move, removes the captured pieces and glances over toward LISTER] RIMMER Ha! [RIMMER carefully rotates the board 108-degrees, and flexes his arms before settling down to contemplate his opposing move. LISTER is sprawled out on his bunk, a pen hovering over the book he is looking at] LISTER Sheesh... RIMMER Stuck? LISTER Yeah... God, this is hard! RIMMER What are you doing, a crossword? LISTER No, join-the-dots. RIMMER What number are you stuck on? LISTER Hundred and twenty-four. RIMMER Hundred and twenty-four... hundred and twenty-four... Have you tried a-hundred and twenty-five? LISTER I know the number, you gimboid, it's finding it that's the hard bit. I'm not some brain-dead simpleton. Ah! There it is. Oh, look at that! It's a bucket and spade! [LISTER holds the completed picture up for RIMMER's inspection] LISTER Look at that, it's clever that, innit? [Enter GUARD] RIMMER Ah! Supper! [Exit GUARD] RIMMER Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure. RIMMER I've seen things more appetising on the floor of elephant houses. Only a total idiot would eat this. [RIMMER ponders for a moment, then takes a forkful] RIMMER They call this meat?? My grandmothers buttocks deep-fried in chip fat would taste better than this. LISTER We're on a punishment menu now. No chips, no ice-cream, just the basics. RIMMER Because we're on punishment detail? LISTER Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons they give us the cloning experiments that have gone wrong, with some gravy slopped over to disguise it. RIMMER You waited until I was swallowing 'til you said that, didn't you. LISTER He swears blind the other day he got something with two noses in it. RIMMER Course he didn't. They can't do that, it's illegal. LISTER His starter sneezed! Jimbo Steele was a witness. RIMMER Kill Crazy's insane, he's got lots of strange ideas. He reckons, every time they flush a loo on a plane it drops straight out, and that's why they don't let you go to the lav when the plane's standing on the runway: for fear of skid starts. [LISTER thinks about this, and shrugs] LISTER He's probably right. RIMMER Course he isn't. LISTER Well why else wouldn't they let you go, then? RIMMER I don't know. Maybe they're helping you break up your journey. If they let you go to the loo first off, you'd have nothing to do after you'd eaten your cheese. LISTER Nah, Kill Crazy's probably right. That's why houses under the flightpath are always so cheap. RIMMER Cos of all the flushing planes? LISTER Yeah, well, think about it: you can't sunbathe, you can't hav
Labels:
Season 8
Season 8 Episode 5, Krytie TV.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 5 -- KRYTIE TV [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 0.4 19-22 March, 1999 Raz / raz@matrixcity.org http://www.matrixcity.org [-- 1 - Int. The Tank, womens wing ----------------------------------x:xx--] [GUARD present] [Several female prisoners troup along a corridor and proceed into the women's wing. [Enter KRYTEN] [KRYTEN brings up the rear, and pauses by the large sign that proclaims the nature of their location. He glances around, obviously reluctant to enter, but eventually does so under the stony stare of the female guard] [Exit KRYTEN] [-- 2 - Int. The Tank, womens wing, gymnasium -----------------------x:xx--] [A group of female prisoners dressed in grey t-shirts and skirts are skipping, more or less in unison. KRYTEN is also a part of the group, dressed in similar clothes, and is scowling unhappily] [-- 3 - Int. KOCHANSKI's cell ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- 4 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [KRYTEN stands sulkily in the showers with the girls, holding an umbrella and trying to read a book] [-- 5 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] Inside the Tank. [-- 6 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER present] [Enter LISTER] LISTER The post's arrived. RIMMER Brilliant; a bit of excitement at last. LISTER Good, eh? It's a beaut. One of the structured collepsed on m' bed. I think it was those beans. Oh, the mail. Haven't had a chance to look. Anything from my mates? RIMMER Don't think so - there's nothing here in orange crayon with half the letters backwards. LISTER Anything for you? RIMMER Just the usual. A couple of death threats... and I'm in the Reader's Digest Lucky Dip. Apparently I'm 'one of the special few selected for their Lucky Dip' - LISTER That'll be you and the other twelve zillion people then, will it? RIMMER - I've won either a holiday in Mauritious[sp], a soft-top sports car, or a fabulous matching set of egg-cups. "Scrape with a coin to discover which." I've won the holiday! LISTER What? RIMMER Three million years into Deep Space, where I can't claim it, and I go and win a smegging holiday in Mauritious! Oh, they're taking the smeg... LISTER What now? RIMMER I've won the lottery as well. "To collect your cheque simply bring your winning ticket to Lottery House, 24 Argyle Street." Four million! No luck, that's my problem. No luck at all. LISTER It's just a wind up from the guards, to sap our morale. RIMMER Here's one for you. LISTER Who from? RIMMER Petersen. My God, that is tragic. LISTER What's happenned to him, has he died? RIMMER Died? You think he'd write and tell you? LISTER No, you're right, you're right, you're right. I'm not thinking straight. He'd be too busy with his funeral and everything, wouldn't he. What's happenned to him? RIMMER Something catastophic, hideous. He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here. LISTER Brilliant! Are you okay? RIMMER Of course I'm not okay! I hate your guitar! If I wanted to share a cell with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star. LISTER I didn't realise you thought I was that bad..? RIMMER Didn't you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you? LISTER You would have stood a better chance if you'd used the neck-end... Anyway, you were revising; you always get a bit uptight when you're revising. Hey come on, come on, what about the Om Song? That was a classic! /"Ommmmm - Ommmmm"/ RIMMER People who heard that formed self-help groups. LISTER Don't give me that, they played my demo on hospital radio. RIMMER Yes, and three patients came out of comas, packed their bags and went home. [Enter GUARD] [The GUARD carries a black electric guitar, which he hands to LISTER] [Exit GUARD] LISTER Hey-hey! The axe-man is *back*! You beaut! Hang on! There's no strings! They've confiscated the strings! RIMMER I feel like a man who leaps out of a plane with no parachute and lands in the hot-tub at the Playboy mansion. LISTER Why would they take my strings..? It doesn't make sense... RIMMER Prison regs. You're not allowed anything you can hang yourself with. LISTER I wouldn't want to hang myself if I had my guitar strings. RIMMER I think they were thinking of me. Maybe my luck's changing... at last, a break. [Enter GUARD] GUARD Oh, by the way; I forgot: for you. [The GUARD hands an envelope to LISTER] [Exit GUARD] LISTER "Because of the nature of your crime", blah - blah - blah - blah - blah, whr - wh - wh - wh - wh, "we are willing to review your case"! "For this process to be successful you would need a record of good behaviour, and accept the consequence that a successful appeal would mean similar amnesty for prisoner colleagues in your situation." RIMMER Yess! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, KILL CRAZY, several other Canaries present] [HOLLY present, on a wall monitor] KOCHANSKI Well, thanks to Kill Crazy, that was the least enjoyable suicide mission I've ever been on. KILL CRAZY I was standing there, right, and right in fron of me was this weird sort of mutant thing, with, like, two heads and all these tenticles. Yeah; it took one look at me and then ran off! Why d'you think it done that? KRYTEN You don't know what it's like, being classified as a woman, sir. The humiliation. LISTER I know, I know. KRYTEN I mean, why should I - a Series 4000 mechanoid - have to endure the turgid monotony of showering with the girls? Three times a week! Tell me that! LISTER It's not fair, I know! It's just that - You shower with the girls? KRYTEN Oh! It's so hideously dull I can't describe it, as they stand around soaping themselves. Their bodies all wet and foamy. Can you imagine it? Oh my goodness, we've been frozen in time again! Hello? Extraordinary! It must be a warp in the time-space continuum! How curious it isn't affecting me... RIMMER We're not frozen in time, Krytie - we were just thinking about what you were saying... HOLLY It's time like this that make me thankful I'm just a head. KILL CRAZY Oi, droid-boy, oi; next time you're in the showers, why don't you - y'know - smuggle in a camera and film 'em, eh? Yeah, that'd be brilliant! Oi, I haven't seeen a naked woman since... well, ever. Yeah, I'd pay you... wha'd'ya say? RIMMER No, I forbid it! LISTER Yeah, me - What? RIMMER It's voyeuristic, exploitative, and immature. HOLLY All right, who are you? And what have you done with *our* Rimmer? RIMMER Gentlemen, allow me to clairify my position. Morally speaking, using a hidden camera in the women's showers, taking shots of them sudding themselves with mounds of foam, without their permission, morally speaking - I'm speaking morally, here - I'm all in favour! However, Listy has been invited to appeal and a scam like this could ruin it. CAT Appeal? LISTER Yeah, I'm appealing. HOLLY That's a minority view. RIMMER Look, if he's successful, we can all be successful. We've just got to be model prisoners. KILL CRAZY Screw his appeal! I wanna see skin! CAT Yeah! Wha'd'ya say, bird-tray head? KRYTEN Are you asking me to betray the people I live with? To ignore their humanity and reduce them to mindless sex objects, merely there for your moronic titilation? CAT Yes, please! KRYTEN If you'll excuse me, I forgot who I was for a moment. KILL CRAZY Wait, what you doing? KRYTEN I'm a woman, and proud of it. If you'll excuse me, I'll with my fellow sisters, doing it for ourselves! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [All Canaries, GOVENOR ACKERMAN, guards, wardens present] GOVENOR ACKERMAN I'm going to make this quick, and easy. Last night, on D-wing, I was beaten up, and mugged. You have one chance. I'm going to turn the lights off for precisely ten seconds, during which I want whoever took it ... to return my glass eye. [He places a bucket on the ground in front of the Canaries] GOVENOR ACKERMAN Kill the lights. [The chamber goes dark] GOVENOR ACKERMAN Ten, nine, eight, seven, six - [The sound of an object dropped into the bucket is heard, and the lights snap on. No one appears to have moved] GOVENOR ACKERMAN I'm glad to see good sense prevailed. [The GOVENOR reaches into the bucket and takes out a pair of false teeth] GOVENOR ACKERMAN I have a date with Miss Patricia Carling from Supplies on Saturday night. She thinks my eyes are my best feature. If I go like this, I'M ONLY HALF LOVELY! If it's not returned within thirty seconds; all Canary priviliges suspended. One month. RIMMER I know who stole your left peeper, sir. It was him, sir. [RIMMER points at a prisoner standing off to his right] RIMMER I saw him playing marbles with it this morning, sir. [The man RIMMER indicated takes a swing at him, which RIMMER ducks. The man is siezed by guards and dragged away] GOVENOR ACKERMAN Thank you, Rimmer. [Exit GOVENOR, guards, wardens] KOCHANSKI Have you gone mad? You don't rat on other inmates, its an unwritten law. RIMMER Look if it helps the appeal, what else matters? 'Model prisoners'? [RIMMER has just enough time to finish his sentence before being pounced on by the other prisoners. The sounds of thumps and kicks issue, and the picture, much like RIMMER's consciousness, fades away] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [As KRYTEN waddles along a walkway, someone drops a crumpled-up piece of paper] KRYTEN Would the sky really fall in if people just tidied up a little? [As KRYTEN drops the rubbish into a disposal chute and turns away, and arm reaches out of a maintenance hatch and bounces a spanner off his his head with a clang that resounds convincingly. KRYTEN drops to the gound and is dragged away by persons unknown] [-- xx - Int. Tank rec. room ----------------------------------------x:xx--] [A trailer runs for an old, black-and-white sci-fi flick] [LISTER, RIMMER, CAT, many other prisoners present] LISTER Looks like another pearl, eh? CAT Why do they always show us these lousy B-movies? RIMMER To sap our morale. Next week its the Gearge Formbey season. "Get your hanging rope now, while there's still some left - heh-hey!" [Suddenly the film cuts off and is replaced by a rough, amateur looking shot of KRYTEN] KRYTEN Good evening. Tonight's scheduled feature has been cancelled, and replaced with a special, live, pay-per-view event brought to you courtesy of "Krytie TV"! Transmitting live via my optical receptors, we bring you live, and lithe, Womens Shower Night! CAT Are they really gonna show this? No way! This is a joke, right? This isn't- Oh, momma... LISTER You know what this means, don't you? CAT There is a God? LISTER They got to him, they reprogrammed Kryten. [Overhearing, KILL CRAZY turns to look at LISTER and grins broadly] RIMMER If we get caught watching this your appeal's dead in the water. LISTER Forget the appeal. CAT I already have! LISTER What about Kris? She's never gonna believe I wasn't involved in this! We've gotta stop it. RIMMER You're right, I want no part of this. LISTER Me neither. RIMMER We've gotta go. LISTER Right now. RIMMER Not a minute to lose. LISTER I'm dust. RIMMER Me too. After two. One, two, go! KRYTEN And now, I'm gonna stare at a cracked floor tile. KILL CRAZY What's he doing that for!? KRYTEN Remember, Shower Night is a pay-per-view event. Start filling those buckets! RIMMER I can't believe this, he's running it like a business! There's even a bloke over there selling ice-creams. LISTER Never mind him. Now. We've gotta go, right now. RIMMER I'm going, I'm going. KRYTEN But now, lets get up-close and personal with one of the shower-ees, Miss Kristine Kochanski... RIMMER Fancy a choc-ice? [-- xx - Int. Kryten's cell -----------------------------------------x:xx--] [KRYTEN present] [Enter GUARD, LISTER] KRYTEN Okay; splendid. Later. GUARD Mister Kryten; visitor, sir. [Exit GUARD] LISTER Kryten. Look, I know Kill-Crazy's reprogrammed you; turned you into a ruthless entrepreneur, but I think I know how to change you back. KRYTEN Well, keep it to yourself, sir. I'll make it worth your while... LISTER Can't you see what it's done to you? KRYTEN It's made me rich, feared and respected. I'm loving every minute of it! I've just bought the rights to the five-a-side soccer tournament today; tomorrow, I'm hoping to get the boxing. [Enter KOCHANSKI] Ahhhh, Miss Kochanski! Good to have you back, I have a little gift for you... KOCHANSKI Ooh, another one? KRYTEN You know you were worried about picking up verrucas in the shower room? Well, I have the perfect solution; a waterproof pogo stick. LISTER This has got to stop. KRYTEN But the pogo stick could put the ratings through the roof, sir! Think of the money! Think of the show! LISTER I'm crazy about her! I'm not gonna let you do this. KOCHANSKI Do what? LISTER How do you think Kryten got all this? [He hands her a flyer for KRYTEN's ratings-winner] KOCHANSKI "Shower Night Live". Oh God, is he paying some of the girls to do this? [KOCHANSKI grins as she scans the flyer] LISTER Who's that with the sponge? [The grin disappears to be replaces with a look, first of horror, then anger] KOCHANSKI That's me! LISTER It replaced the Wednesday night movie. I saw the whole thing; all three terrible hours of it. It was awful. KRYTEN Is that the time? I've got a merchandising meeting in two minutes. Heh, excuse me! [Exit KRYTEN] KOCHANSKI You are dead, nickel-hydrate breath! And you! LISTER What have I done? KOCHANSKI You were there for three hours of it! LISTER Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it! I was outraged. Why do you think I only had one choc-ice? KOCHANSKI How could you go along with this? LISTER I'm only human. You were completely naked, starkers, nude, in the buff, totally kit-less, no clothes on! KOCHANSKI You've seen me with no clothes on when we went out! LISTER Yeah, but, I wanted to see if anything had changed. KOCHANSKI Why didn't you just ask, instead of filming me in secret? LISTER Because you'll have said 'no'. KOCHANSKI Not necessarily. If I'd known it meant that much to you, that you needed to see me naked so badly, I wouldn't necessarily have said 'no'. LISTER You wouldn't? KOCHANSKI No. Well, we're friends aren't we? LISTER It never occured to me that I could just ask. Oh, you're such a great friend. I love being your friend. Kris..? KOCHANSKI No! Not now, and now, not ever! LISTER But you just said - KOCHANSKI We're not friends any more... [Exit KOCHANSKI] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [LISTER present] [LISTER is sat by himself at the table in the centre of the cell. Two small bags of flour are in front of him together with some writing paper, and he chews thoughtfully on a pen] [Enter RIMMER] RIMMER Appeal applications, Listy. Character testimonials. What's this? LISTER Kris found out about the shower thing; she went ballistic. It's just a little present to say 'sorry'. RIMMER A bag of flour? LISTER No, two bags. I'm in the Tank, in the middle of Deep Space. I can't just get on the blower to Interflora, you know! Flour - Flours! It's the closest I could get. RIMMER You romantic fool. LISTER You know how hard it is getting this stuff? I had to nick this from the bakery. She'll appreciate that. RIMMER I can just see her reading the card: "Dear Kris, I'm really sorry for ogling you and the girls in the shower yesterday for three gob-smacking hours of steamy fun. To make up for it, and to indicate how truly sorry I am, here's two bags of self-raising. Something I didn't need any help with yesterday." LISTER It's easy for you, you're not crazy about her. It's re- it's really dibilitating, being nuts about someone. You lose twenty I.Q. points every time you talk to them. RIMMER You must be nuts about a fair few people, then, are you? [Enter KRYTEN] KRYTEN The girls found out about Shower Night. They attacked me, cleaned out my system and kicked me out. I've been reclassified as a man... [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [KRYTEN, LISTER present] KRYTEN I feel terrible, sir, for endangering your appeal. LISTER It's not your fault, Kryten, they got to you. KRYTEN I presume you've heard the news about Miss Kochanski. LISTER What news? KRYTEN You haven't heard? LISTER Heard what? KRYTEN The news. LISTER What news? KRYTEN You haven't heard the news? LISTER Heard what news?? KRYTEN No one's told you? LISTER Told me what? KRYTEN About Miss Kochanski? LISTER What about Miss Kochanski? KRYTEN About Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim. LISTER What about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim?? KRYTEN I can't believe you don't know! LISTER Know what?? KRYTEN No one told you?? LISTER Told me what!? KRYTEN You mean to say that you're standing there blissfully unaware of the news about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim? LISTER What news about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim!? KRYTEN I don't believe it. LISTER Believe what!? KRYTEN Psh, tsk - I'm so traumatised no one's had the guts to tell you the horrible, terrible, terrible, appallingly hideous, awful news! I'm not sure I can even speak now. LISTER Kryten, there's a two hundred foot drop down there; now tell me the news. KRYTEN Well, she's started going out with Tim again. He's taking her to the Officer's Club tonight. Her probation permits it, providing she's back by ten. LISTER Ohhh. This is all down to that shower thing, isn't it? KRYTEN You know what Tim's like, sir. Impossibly handsome, oozes charm, a great lover. And you're just... you. It's so unfair! You must feel awful. LISTER Well I do now! God! KRYTEN You're taking this very well, sir. I - I'm really impressed. LISTER No I'm not, man, I'm falling apart. KRYTEN I know that, but I was just trying to cheer you up! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER present] [Enter LISTER, KRYTEN] LISTER What can I do? HOLLY You've gotta deal with your grief, man. Breakup is very much like a bereavement: its usually followed by a cremation and some sandwiches. LISTER You haven't got a clue what you're on about, have you? HOLLY Mark my words: time is a great healer. Unless you've got a rash, in which case you're better off with ointment. LISTER Look, they haven't seen each other for ages; they're only going out for a meal. What's the worst thing that could happen? RIMMER How's this, Listy: a little wine, a little laughter, then its back to his place for coffee and a game of chess. Before you know it, she's sandwiched between two bishops and her queen's exposed to an attack from the rear. KRYTEN It's a tragedy. LISTER What are you so bothered about? I thought you hated the idea of me and her getting it together? KRYTEN That was the old me, sir. I've grown and matured since then. No, the new me wants you to have children so I can iron those itty-bitty little socks! And you're not getting any younger, sir, and neither are your sperms. I'm getting worried about those guys. Any older older and they'll need a Stanner<sp> stairlift to get up the fallopian tubes! LISTER So what do you propose? KRYTEN We nail that horny stag and get you and the divine Miss K together. It's my way of saying 'sorry'. RIMMER But nothing that's going to endanger the appeal... KRYTEN First, we sabotage the date. LISTER What, 'we'? You mean you're gonna help me? Step on board the 'love express', sir! Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the guards. Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire universe: this is what you leave in his quarters - - a half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer. LISTER Is it? I like those. KRYTEN Then there's this: "Morris Dancer Monthly". What a total dweebo, nerdmeister he'll look with those! RIMMER They're mine! KRYTEN And then there's these: tragically unfashionable underpants. RIMMER *They're* mine! KRYTEN And finally: Christian rock music. It that doesn't scare her off, nothing will. RIMMER Have you been going through my things? KRYTEN And not forgetting... LISTER A pair of scissors? KRYTEN This is the piece de resistence... [-- xx - Int. An officers quarters ----------------------------------x:xx--] [scatters mags on table and sofa] [bites sandwich then throws it under cushion] [puts poster of a chimp sitting on a toilet on wall] LISTER "Frank Acissi and the Apostles" - "Hyms in Rock" - [Kum Bayah from CD player] [posing male statue with chain] LISTER Some digestive biscuit... [lobster over lamp] [scissors, unzips, cuts pubic hair, sprinkles on bed and on soap] [underpants laid on bed] [VD clinic appointment card on pillow] LISTER The love assassin... [-- xx - Int. Corridor outside officer's quarters -------------------x:xx--] [KRYTEN present] KRYTEN What Mister Lister doesn't know, of course, is he's been set up by Krytie TV! [The door behid KRYTEN slides open with a hiss] [Enter LISTER] KRYTEN Shh! Here he comes now! Mister Lister! LISTER Kryten, is that you? KRYTEN You trashed that room because you believed Miss Kochanski was dating Tim, didn't you? LISTER What, you mean she isn't? KRYTEN Look who's quarters you really trashed... [KRYTEN taps a rapid-fire code into the pad on the wall and the door slides shut. On it is written "MR. ACKERMAN"] LISTER You said the girls had restored you back to normal! KRYTEN Whoops! You've been Krytered! LISTER I've wrecked Ackerman's quarters!! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] RIMMER THE APPEAL! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [LISTER, KRYTEN present] KRYTEN But the surprises haven't finished yet, here on Krytie TV, because Mister Ackerman and his red hot date are due back any second. It's a race against time! Sir, start cleaning that room! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER present] RIMMER Sorry to keep droning on about this, but what about - THE APPEAL! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [LISTER present] LISTER Smeg! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] RIMMER Oh smeg..! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER and LISTER swarm through ACKERMAN's quarters, undoing the mess that LISTER created] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KRYTEN Thanks for watching, folks; see you next time! RIMMER There he is! LISTER Kryten, come here a minute... KRYTEN I was just trying to boost the ratings, sir! LISTER Get him, and bring him back to the Tank! KRYTEN It was nothing personal! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER present] [Enter LISTER] LISTER The appeal. Oooohhhhh... YES! RIMMER "Dear Mister Lister, your appeal has been successful"! "From this day forth all inmates with no record of violence or depression will be allowed... to have strings on their guitars"... This appeal was all about guitar strings? LISTER You didn't think it was about getting out of here, did you? RIMMER You mean to say I've been busting my balls so you can have strings on your lousy, stinking guitar?? LISTER You've been a brick, man. And as a personal 'thank you', I thought I'd write you a song... [--------------------------- END OF "KRYTIE TV" --------------------xx:xx--]
Labels:
Season 8
Season 8 Episode 4, Cassandra
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 4 -- CASSANDRA [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 1.0 16 - 31 March, 1999 Raz / raz@matrixcity.org http://www.matrixcity.org [-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--] [Red Dwarf cruises through Deep Space] [-- 2 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:06--] [Inside the Tank. Slow zoom towards a huge, segmented, cylindrical tower that houses blocks of cells] [-- 3 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:10--] [Enter LISTER] [Checking behind him for the presence of guards, LISTER calls up HOLLY's image on the cell's viewscreen then sits down at the cell's table] [Enter HOLLY] LISTER Have you figured a way to get us out of here yet, Holl? HOLLY I have, actually, Dave. I've devoted all my runtime to looking for a loophole in the prison regs, and I think I've come up with something that means that you can serve your entire two year sentence in just fourteen weeks. LISTER Oh brilliant, what've I got to do? [-- 4 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:31--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY Become a dog. [-- 5 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:33--] [LISTER present] LISTER A dog? [-- 6 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:40--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY According to my data banks, dog years are seven times shorter than human years. [-- 7 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:45--] [LISTER present] [LISTER listens with admirable patience] [-- 8 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:46--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY As a plan you can't fault it on it's mathematics. [-- 9 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:49--] [LISTER present] LISTER No, but maybe you can fault it on the fact that I'm not a dog! [-- 10 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------0:52--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY Yeah, but according to a twentieth century newspaper called the National Enquirer, the operation's quite straightforward. [-- 11 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------0:59--] [LISTER present] [LISTER can't help but listen as HOLLY rambles on] [-- 12 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:01--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY A 'Roverostomy' they call it. [-- 13 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:04--] [LISTER present] [His head resting in one hand now, LISTER shakes his head sadly] [-- 14 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:05--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY There's a photograph here of a bloke who had it done. [-- 15 - Still photograph -------------------------------------------1:09--] [A magazine page appears. On it is a full page picture of a large, white dog, and across the top of the page is a huge banner that reads "Exclusive". In smaller text towards the bottom of the page is the lead-in: "Man Becomes Dog", and the line: "Fetching pictures and full story on page 8" is under that] [-- 16 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:12--] [LISTER present] LISTER That's a dog! [-- 17 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:14--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY See how convincing it is? Even you're fooled! [-- 18 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:19--] [LISTER present] LISTER "Become a dog"? That is, without doubt, the stupidest, crappyest, most pathetic plan you've come up with all week. [-- 19 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:25--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY Give me a chance - it's only Monday. [-- 20 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:29--] [LISTER present] [LISTER presses his watch stud in exasperation and HOLLY's image dissolves] [Exit HOLLY] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER drops a hardhat on his bunk and stands with his hands on his hips, morosely] RIMMER What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends, I had everything and I threw it all away. It's a tragedy. LISTER What are you on about? You had none of that stuff. RIMMER You're right, I had none of that stuff. I had absolutely nothing and I threw it all away. It's an even bigger tragedy! LISTER Look, we're only gonna get through this by being positive, by being... what's that word women tennis players always used to reckon was so important..? Begins with 'C'... RIMMER 'Cunnilingus'? LISTER 'Centred'. By being centred. Focussed. It's only two years; what, with good behaviour it'll probably only be eighteen months. Remember when you were first born, then you were eighteen months? The time just flashed past! RIMMER It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging. [Enter GUARD] [The GUARD is carrying a metal briefcase, which he places on the table in front of LISTER] LISTER What's this? GUARD Canary outfits and first meeting information. [Exit GUARD] LISTER I volunteered for the Canaries. [LISTER picks up the case and carries it to his bunk where he begins unpacking its contents] LISTER Some bloke came round the machine shop so I signed up. RIMMER The Canaries? LISTER Yeah, y'know, a bit of close-part harmony, and you should see the list of privileges you get; unbelievable. RIMMER You don't know what the Canaries are, do you? LISTER Of course I do: a singing group, acappella... /You are the sunshine of my life, ooo-ooh, that's why I'll always be around/ [LISTER catches RIMMER's amused expression and begins to realise the implications] LISTER They're nothing to do with singing, are they? [RIMMER shakes his head, solemly] LISTER Holly lied to me, didn't he? [RIMMER nods] LISTER Oh hey, he was taking the smeg. RIMMER Oh Listy! Listy, Listy, Listy! LISTER Well go on then, what've I signed up for? RIMMER In the nineteenth century, when miners went down a pit, they'd lower a canary down first in a little cage - LISTER What, and make them do some mining? They were sick in the nineteenth century, weren't they, eh? I mean, how much coal can a little canary get? RIMMER - And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the canary did. LISTER Complained to the foreman? RIMMER It died, Listy. The canary's job was to go into the most dangerous, unpleasant and smeggy situations and see if it could stay alive. Then they'd know if it was safe to send in the important people. LISTER Oh, I'm gonna kill him! RIMMER How come you've never heard of the Canaries? They've got recruitment posters all over the men's bogs! How come you've not seen them? LISTER When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look around, y'know what I'm saying? It's like playing golf: I concentrate on my grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side! RIMMER "The Canaries"... You know what they say it's supposed to stand for? "Convicts Army Nearly All Retarded In-bred Evil Sheep shaggers"! They haven't got an X chromosome to share between them! LISTER Smeg! It gets worse as well. [RIMMER laughs, loving LISTER's predicament] RIMMER Worse! Go on. LISTER I've signed you up, too. [RIMMER's grin crumbles, landing in two piles of shock and outrage] LISTER I forged your signature, I thought I was doing you a favour. RIMMER Me! Why?! LISTER I've signed us all up. Kryten, Kris, everyone! RIMMER No way! No way! No way am I becoming a Canary! [-- 21 - Int. Chamber ------------------------------------------Raz--5:15--] [GOVENOR ACKERMAN, WARDEN KNOT, the Canaries, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present] [The GOVENOR and the CAPTAIN stand together on a balcony overlooking the Canaries. All of the Canaries are dressed in their regulation outfits: dark heavy-duty combat suit, heavy boots and gloves, with a close-fitting bright yellow bib and padded yellow jacket that has the individual's name. KRYTEN has obviously been allowed concessions due to his unwieldy bodyshell, and simply wears the personalised jacket. RIMMER has taken the new uniform to heart and wears a thick, grey quilted coat over his jacket, which has a large Canaries patch emblazoned on the left breast] GOVENOR It's a great honour for floor thirteen, for today we are visited by Captain Hollister, who has a special assignment. KILL CRAZY At last, some action! I've been going mental all this time, cooped up, not killing nothing. Yes! WARDEN KNOT Kill Crazy, shut up, you punk! HOLLISTER Okay, listen up. We've located a ship, the SSS Silverburg, buried at the bottom of an ocean moon. A remote probe has come back with no signs of a crew, no bodily remains, no skeletons, zip. We want you guys to go on board and, ah, find out why. [Suddenly RIMMER steps out of line and turns back to face the Dwarfers] RIMMER A-one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four: KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT /You are the sunshine of my life, ooo-ooh, that's why I'll always be around/ - HOLLISTER Rimmer! [GOVENOR ACKERMAN scrambles down a metal staircase connecting the balcony and the floor of the chamber] RIMMER Sorry, sir, we seem to have wandered into the wrong hobby group, we'll leave immediately. [RIMMER hisses urgently to the others:] RIMMER Go! [ACKERMAN catches RIMMER, stopping him and the Dwarfers in their tracks. He leans in close to RIMMER and hisses menacingly] GOVENOR Rimmer! You're here, and this is where you'll stay, now get on with it. RIMMER Yes, sir, thank you, sir. [ACKERMAN hurries back up the staircase and smiles apologetically at CAPTAIN HOLLISTER] RIMMER You heard what the warden said, he wants us to get on with it. From the top! KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT /You are the sunshine of my life/ - HOLLISTER Rimmer! [ACKERMAN quails under the CAPTAIN's obvious disapproval and bounds down to RIMMER once again] RIMMER Sorry, sir, when you said get on with it I thought you meant - GOVENOR Shut up! You're a Canary, man! A member of the toughest convict army this side of Pluto. I've seen custard factories that aren't as yellow as you are! Start behaving like a man. RIMMER A man, sir, yes, of course, sir, a man... a man. Perhaps if you could remind me, sir, it will all come back? [WARDEN KNOT leans in from off screen, and appears to reach out and grab something in front of RIMMER, just off the bottom of shot. Judging from RIMMER's agonised wince, and KNOT's intense frown and the cracking of his joints, something extremely sensitive is being gripped extremely hard. After several awkward moments, KNOT lets go, RIMMER hobbles delicately back into line and ACKERMAN scurries back up to the balcony] GOVENOR Continue, Captain. HOLLISTER It's inconceivable a ship like this could be sent out without a crew, so whatever devoured the crew, bones and all, might still be there, so... be careful. [The Canaries turn and begin shuffling out] KILL CRAZY Let's go kill something!! *YESSSSS*!! [A few of the Canaries spare KILL CRAZY a glance as he shrieks his approval before continuing on their way. Staring eagerly up at the CAPTAIN and the GOVENOR, it takes a few moments before KILL CRAZY realises he has been left behind. Deflated, he heads off after his fellow Canaries] [-- 22 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------7:32--] [A small sub descends through murky waters, triple floodlights doing little to light its progress] [-- 23 - Int. Submarine ---------------------------------------------7:39--] [Canaries present] [All the Canaries are sat quietly, kitted out now with rifles and a backup pistol. All seem absorbed in their own thoughts; all except KILL CRAZY, that is, who is fairly bouncing on his seat in hyped-up anticipation] KILL CRAZY I hope its got, like, big teeth and claws and, like, loads of heads. Yeah! *Great*! [The others pay him little attention, much less return any enthusiasm, but KILL CRAZY ignores them] [-- 24 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------7:50--] [The submarine draws up beside a large wall of metal, turns about and docks against an airlock] [-- 25 - Int. Airlock aboard the Silverburg -------------------------7:59--] [The airlock is silent and empty, until a loud screeching of rusted metal peals out as the Canaries break the airlock seal and swing open the thick door] [Enter KILL CRAZY] KILL CRAZY Here we go! At last! *Yeah*!!! [Caught in the moment, KILL CRAZY charges forward aproximately half a metre before smacking his head soundly off the top of the airlock frame. He goes down bonelessy without a sound, and the other Canaries step over him, somewhat more cautiously] [-- 26 - Int. Silverberg Obs deck -----------------------------------8:13--] [Enter LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, other Canaries] LISTER Okay, stay together, keep 'em peeled. RIMMER What's that! [RIMMER points fearfully out of shot] KRYTEN What? Where? RIMMER It's moving, shaking from side to side like a leaf! KRYTEN I think that's your shadow, sir. [-- 27 - Int. Staircase aboard the Silverburg -----------------------8:30--] [The search has obviously proved fruitless so far; the Dwarfers have moved to another part of the ship. A figure comes running down a metal staircase] [Enter KOCHANSKI] KOCHANSKI Located the mainframe, maybe it can tell us something. [KOCHANSKI turns and heads back up the staircase] [-- 28 - Int. Silverburg computer room -------------------------Raz--8:35--] [COMPUTER present, a holgraphic head] [Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT, RIMMER] [The Dwarfers step into a large, hi-tech room. Control panels, status lights and cables are the general decor, but the dominant feature of the room is the large pillar into which the cables that sprout from the control banks and snake across the floor all lead into. Rising from a solid base, the hexagonally cross-sectioned pillar becomes translucent, and a section from around the foot-foot high mark to about seven feet from the floor holds the hologrammatic image of a older woman's head. The head has a silvery sheen to its skin and sheer silver hair, and around the thin neck is an elaborate necklace resembling the tracks of a printed circuit board, also worked in silver. Delicate tongues of pink electro-plasma flicker around image of the head] COMPUTER Good evening, Arnold. I've been looking forward to your arrival so very much. RIMMER How do you know my name? COMPUTER My name is Cassandra. I am a computer with the ability to predict the future with an accuracy rating of 100%. Bless you. [RIMMER frowns in confusion] RIMMER 'Bless you'? What do you mean 'bless you'? [RIMMER abruptly sneezes] CASSANDRA You need a tissue; Kris has one in her left-hand pocket. She says "would you like this?"; you say "thanks". [Sure enough, KOCHANSKI is in the process of offering a handkerchief to RIMMER] KOCHANSKI Would you like this? RIMMER Thanks. [Both turn and look at the computer with suspicious surprise] CASSANDRA "Extraordinary". KRYTEN Extraordinary. CASSANDRA "The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future". [Ignoring the computer, KOCHANSKI glances towards LISTER and the others to her left] KOCHANSKI The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future. [CASSANDRA puts on an obvious accent] CASSANDRA "But how does it work? The future's not 'appened yet". [LISTER hesitates and glances around, adopting an air of defiance] LISTER ...I'm not gonna say that. CASSANDRA I never said you would. LISTER But how *does* it work? The future's not 'appened yet. CASSANDRA Although you do. LISTER Smeg. RIMMER Let's ask her a question about the future. A biggie... LISTER Okay, Cassandra, do we ever get back to Earth? Has the human race survived? CAT Do I ever find my singing tie-pin? [LISTER glances at CAT in annoyance, but in the meantime KOCHANSKI has been having second thoughts] KOCHANSKI Look, do we want to know all this stuff about the future? I mean, do we want to know, for example, how and when we die? RIMMER Kris is right. Something like that could mess your life up forever. Cassandra, I have a question. CASSANDRA I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation. Arnold So, what's the answer? CASSANDRA He chokes to death, aged one-hundred and eighty-one, trying to remove a bra with his teeth. [LISTER glances at RIMMER and CASSANDRA questioningly] LISTER What was the question? RIMMER I just asked how you died. [LISTER stares hard at RIMMER] LISTER You what? I didn't want to know that! [Suddenly he rounds on CASSANDRA] LISTER Who's bra? CAT A hundred and eighty-one? Probably your own! LISTER Come on, no. Taking a bra off with m' teeth, aged one-hundred and eighty-one. That's a hell of a sexy way to go! KRYTEN So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir. LISTER I'm really screwed up, now. I never wanted to know that; know how I die. It's completely spoiled the surprise! CASSANDRA Kryten, this is where you share your theory with your crew-mates. [KRYTEN acknowledges this] KRYTEN I have a theory, everyone. The Silverburg didn't crash, did it, Cassandra? The ship was sent here by the Space Corps. on auto-pilot to get rid of you; to abandon you at the bottom of a lunar sea, in the depths of Deep Space. CAT That's brilliant, bud! How'd you work that out? KRYTEN I read it on this mission directive, here. [KRYTEN holds up the paper in question, and passes it to LISTER, who skims through it] LISTER So, there was no dead bodies on board because the ship didn't have a crew. KRYTEN A computer that unerringly predicts the future - CASSANDRA - "Is a dangerous thing indeed"... [KRYTEN's smug expression curdles] KRYTEN Is a dangerous... er, yes, precisely. RIMMER We, um, should be making tracks. [RIMMER points apologetically towards the exit and turns to leave] CASSANDRA I'm afraid that that's not going to happen. The bulkhead's just given away and we're shipping water at a thousand gallons a second. All the Canaries will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer - RIMMER Yes! [RIMMER punches the air in jubilation] CASSANDRA - Who will be dead in 20 minutes. [RIMMER's joy evaporates and he works his mouth ineffectually. CASSANDRA smiles, somewhat mischievously] CASSANDRA Only Lister, Kryten, the Cat and Kochanski survive. LISTER What happens to Rimmer? CASSANDRA He has a heart attack, brought on by the stress of knowing he's going to die, and collapses; collapses during a conversation with me in nineteen minutes and thirty-one seconds. RIMMER I don't believe you, I simply don't believe you. CASSANDRA We shall see, or rather, you shall see; I have already seen... KOCHANSKI All the hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end! CAT Mine too, but not just the ones on the back of my neck; it's one up, all up! [Exit CAT] [CAT heads out hurriedly, and the others move to follow] [-- 29 - Int. A deserted supply room aboard the Silverburg ---------12:24--] [LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, RIMMER, CAT present] [The Dwarfers have called a 'time-out', away from the other Canaries and their Warden overseers, to rest their legs, have a coffee, and take stock of their situation. His initial romance with the Canaries now over, RIMMER has abandoned his emblazoned coat and sits with the other Dwarfers in the regular uniform. His stencilled name on his jacket is printed in a larger typeface than that of his fellows; perhaps RIMMER put himself forward as their team leader, or some similar temporary position. While KRYTEN checks over their equipment, the others sit by a line of storage crates that they have arranged into a long table, sipping from their mugs] LISTER Well, it's not the first time we've been in a situation like this, is it? CAT Hell no, we've drunk coffee thousands of times. We're veterans. LISTER Future echoes, remember? CAT Future echoes, oh right! KOCHANSKI What was that? LISTER Well, we learnt that if the future's already decided... [LISTER glances quickly at RIMMER, sat beside him staring into the depths of his coffee, and lowers his voice] LISTER - you can't change it... [RIMMER glances up at him] RIMMER Yeah, but what do you know? Your a chicken soup machine repairman, not Hank Handsome, Space Adventurer. Don't get ideas above your station, and your station is Git Central. LISTER Hey, I've been surviving in space five - six years. When it comes to weirdy, paradoxy space stuff, I've bought the t-shirt. KRYTEN He bought it and I ironed it for him. LISTER Exactly. RIMMER So, you're saying the future's the future and, like your underpants, the chances of change are remote? Well, I'm sorry, I don't accept it. LISTER Hey, I'm not happy about it, man. CAT None of us are. You dying is the last think we want, especially me. Hell, I'd probably have to help dig the hole. RIMMER Right, so to summarise: six years of space adventuring, six years of experience and knowledge, has led you to the conclusion that I'm totally stuffed? KRYTEN Mister Rimmer has a point, sir. Your greater knowledge is making you pessimistic, while his ignorance and almost doe-like naivety is keeping his mind receptive to a possible solution. LISTER Shut your stupid, flat head, you. [KRYTEN shrinks under LISTER's admonition, but KOCHANSKI has picked up on something, and sounds intrigued] KOCHANSKI So, you're saying, when you don't know enough... to *know* that you don't know enough, there's no fear holding you back? You can achieve things which people with more brains can't? KRYTEN Precisely. [KOCHANSKI smirks in RIMMER's direction] KOCHANSKI He's got the 'power of ignorance'... KRYTEN And with ignorance that he's got, that makes him one of the most powerful men that's ever lived! Harness your stupidity, sir; employ your witlessness, use your empty-headed, simplistic moron-mind and find a solution. [RIMMER's face hardens defiantly] RIMMER Okay! I've got an idea. Kryten, replay out meeting with Cassandra in your CPU and tell me if, at any point, anyone ever called me 'Rimmer'. LISTER What? [KRYTEN dutifully scans through his records, his head twitching as his emotion software tries to reproduce the feelings of the accelerated moments. The playback ends and KRYTEN adresses RIMMER] KRYTEN At no point throughout the meeting did anyone refer to you as 'Rimmer'. In fact, we barely looked you. RIMMER That's just what I thought! Cassandra said "Rimmer dies", but it doesn't necessarily follow that that means me! LISTER Who does it mean then, your dad? RIMMER Look, Cassandra doesn't know the future, she sees pictures of it. She could have seen some other guy die of a heart attack; someone she's been told is *called* Rimmer. KOCHANSKI He's right. RIMMER All I have to do is find someone I can introduce to Cassandra as 'Rimmer'... [RIMMER glances down and suddenly notices the large name badge on the front of his jacket. He smiles eagerly] RIMMER - and it'll be them that stiffs out and not me! KRYTEN Such lowlife conniving; its impossible not to be impressed! What I wouldn't give to have your weasel gene, sir! [RIMMER beams intently at CAT] CAT Now wait a minute! [Enter WARDEN KNOT] [KRYTEN notcices the burly man's approach and speaks in exaggerated tones] KRYTEN Oh look, here's Mister Knot... [RIMMER looks sharply at the big man, silently mouthing "Yes..."] KNOT You made this area secure? RIMMER Yes, sir, Mister Knot, sir. Coffee, sir? [RIMMER fairly leaps out of his seat, and begins pouring a cup from the flask in front of him] KNOT I've been asked by the Captain to inspect the mainframe, where is it? [RIMMER, in passing a cup of coffee to KNOT, feigns a trip and throws it over the man's jacket. KNOT grabs RIMMER's lapels angrily] KNOT You idiot! What the hell do you think you're doing? RIMMER Please, have my jacket, I insist! Then I shall lead you to Cassandra. [Taking KNOT's damp jacket away, RIMMER holds out his own and helps the WARDEN shrug awkwardly into it, a task not made easy by the obvious size difference between the two of them] RIMMER There we are, sir, a perfect fit, sir. [KNOT scowls at RIMMER, but keeps the jacket anyway] KNOT Lead the way, Rimmer. RIMMER Don't call me 'Rimmer'! KNOT That's your name... RIMMER Yes, but 'Rimmer' - it's so full of nobility and quiet courage; call me 'arsewipe' or 'fishbreath', but not 'Rimmer', sir, never 'Rimmer', sir. KNOT Okay, arsewipe, whatever you say. Now where's the mainframe! [-- 30 - Int. Silverburg computer room ------------------------Raz--16:14--] [Enter RIMMER, WARDEN KNOT] [Leading the Warden, RIMMER now wears KNOT's grey jacket over his Canary bib and a hopeful, nervous smile on his face] CASSANDRA Hello Arnold, bang on time. RIMMER I've brought you a visitor, Cassandra. Do you know his name? CASSANDRA Yes, I do. Not - [Shock registers on RIMMER's face] RIMMER What? CASSANDRA Not - RIMMER 'Knot'?? CASSANDRA Let me finish! Not that it matters what his name is, I mean, our relationship doesn't last very long. [RIMMER calms himself, visibly trying to relax] KNOT I understand you have the ability to predict - CASSANDRA - the future, yes, I do. KNOT A hundred percent reli - CASSANDRA - able, yes. KNOT What happens to me; do I get back to Earth? CASSANDRA No, you die in about four seconds' time of a heart attack after hearing the news that you're going to die of a heart attack. KNOT You filthy ly -- Ack! [KNOT clutches a hand to his chest and stares at RIMMER and shock. RIMMER watches nonchalantly as KNOT sinks to the floor and sprawls on his back. CASSANDRA peers down at him sympathetically] CASSANDRA Poor Rimmer. RIMMER Yes, poor old 'Rimmer'. [KNOT raises a hand weakly] KNOT My name is not - [Quick to obfuscate the man's inconvenient last words, RIMMER leans down as if to listen intently] RIMMER Your name is not *what*? KNOT Knot! Not... Knot..! [The man's lead lolls back slackly. RIMMER looks to CASSANDRA impatiently] RIMMER Is he dead now? CASSANDRA I'm afraid so. RIMMER Yes! [Enormously pleased, RIMMER holds up both fists triumphantly] CASSANDRA He died of a massive coronary, just as I prophesied. RIMMER Yes! [RIMMER punches the air again] CASSANDRA You seem inordinately happy, Arnold, but why? You're going to die too. [Once again RIMMER's smile is mercilessly killed] RIMMER But you said - I just... I'm gonna die too? CASSANDRA I already told you: Rimmer dies of a heart attack, and then you and all the other Canaries die too; all except Lister, Kryten, Kochanski and the Cat. I've seen it. RIMMER That's as well as maybe, but have you seen this? [RIMMER flips his middle finger to CASSANDRA, then turns and storms out] [Exit RIMMER] CASSANDRA Yes... I'm afraid I have... [-- 31 - Int. Silverburg loading tube-------------------------------17:50--] [KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT, RIMMER present] [The Dwarfers walk solemnly along the flat bottomed but otherwise cylindrical corridor, illuminate by stark, irregularly spaced lamps postioned along the top of the tube, and rows of lanterns strung just above head-height along both side walls] RIMMER You were right, there's nothing I can do. KRYTEN According to Cassandra, our future is decided and we four survive. Therefore, while we're here, we cannot die. Regard: [The Dwarfer pause in the corridor to attend KRYTEN. The mechanoid draws his sidearm, places the barrel to his temple and pulls the trigger. The chamber clicks empty. He points to and fires at KOCHANSKI, LISTER and CAT in turn, and each time the chambers are empty. He levels the gun at RIMMER's head] KRYTEN Duck sir! [KRYTEN fires, and a bullet richochet's off the wall behind RIMMER. The bullet pings its way up and down the metal corridar in which they stand, its noise first growing quieter, then steadily louder] KRYTEN Duck again, sir! [RIMMER does so, just in time for the bullet to finally shatter against the wall behind him] KRYTEN Just as i thought. [KRYTEN deftly spins the pistol around his finger and drops it back into his holster. CAT So, in other words, if I... [CAT gingerly plucks a large fire axe from the wall, and cracks LISTER sharply across the back of the head with its long wooden handle. The others flinch away in sympathy and LISTER clutches the back of head, rounding on CAT, who grins unconcernedly] LISTER What was that for!? CAT You can't die! LISTER Yeah, but I can still feel pain, you smegger! CAT Oh, yeah... KRYTEN So how about this: we use our 'powers of invulnerability', which will last until we return to Red Dwarf, and surround Mister Rimmer, escort him up to the Obs. deck, and into the diving bell? [-- 32 - Int. Silverburg cargo deck --------------------------------18:43--] [The safety concertina'd door covering an elevator car folds back] [Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER] [The former four are arranged in a tight, four-point huddle around RIMMER his is sandwiched between them and crouched over, out of sight. As the Dwarfers begin to shuffle warily along the deck, RIMMER's head pops out to scan their surroundings, before CAT pushes him back down out of harm's way] [-- 33 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------18:56--] [Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER] [Shuffling along a gangway between the huge ranks of machinery, RIMMER again pops up from inside his protective screen, but disappears back down just as sharply] [-- 34 - Int. Airlock aboard the Silverburg ------------------------19:04--] [Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI] LISTER The diving bell! We've made it! [Breaking their huddle, it comes as some surprise to the Dwarfers to find that the 'safety cell' they have been preserving is now empty. RIMMER has disappeared] KOCHANSKI Where did he go?? [The Dwarfers dash back the way they came] [-- 35 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------19:13--] [Re-tracing their steps through the engine blocks, LISTER happens across a hatch in the floor, through which RIMMER can be seen on the floor below, nursing a sprained ankle] LISTER Yo! [Hearing the commotion above, RIMMER stares up anxiously] [-- 36 - Int. Silverburg lower engine deck -------------------------19:22--] [Enter KOCHANSKI] [Clutching a rope tied securely around her, KOCHANSKI descends gingerly through the hatch into the room below] [-- 37 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------19:28--] [KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER present] [The three of them stand in line, holding the other end of KOCHANSKI's rope, LISTER glancing down the hatch to keep an eye on her progress. Suddenly, CAT pricks his ears, and glances sharply at KRYTEN and LISTER] CAT Hear that? [KRYTEN adds power to his adio receivers, immediately detecting:] KRYTEN Water... [LISTER suddenly realises the implications] LISTER Kris, take cover, the water's coming! CAT Quick , the diving bell! [-- 38 - Int. Silverburg lower engine deck -------------------------19:39--] [KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present] [The pair hurriedly climb to the top of a large airlock bell that serves as a watersealed access point to the ship's lower decks. Swinging open the large access cover at the top, RIMMER and KOCHANSKI scramble inside, and KOCHANSKI barely gets the seal shut again before thousands of gallons of water come thunding down into the engine deck] [-- 39 - Int. Silverburg cargo deck --------------------------------19:51--] [RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present] [KOCHANSKI descends the last few steps of the ladder that runs from the top of the airlock bell down to the cargo deck, where RIMMER stands tensely, resting against a pilar. KOCHANSKI whirls away from the ladder angrily] KOCHANSKI Great, everything's above us is flooded, and now we're back down in the bowels again with Cassandra! RIMMER It's coming true. [KOCHANSKI looks at him levelly] RIMMER My death! It's all coming true. [RIMMER storms away with a darkly intent expression] [Exit RIMMER] [KOCHANSKI stares hard at his back and shakes her head with irritation. After a moment she stalks off on her own] [-- 40 - Int. Silverburg computer room -----------------------------20:09--] [CASSANDRA present] [Enter RIMMER] [CASSANDRA smiles, almost apologetically, as she sees RIMMER step in slowly] CASSANDRA You tried to cheat the future and failed, as I knew you would. RIMMER So what happens now? How... How do I die? CASSANDRA Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the head with a harpoon gun. [RIMMER stares at CASSANDRA incredulously] RIMMER Can you just double-check that? CASSANDRA I've seen it, it's what happens. In the old laundry room. RIMMER So let me just repeat what I think you're saying... Arnold, that's *me*, and Kochanski, that's *the woman* - the really attractive one you saw earlier; me and her were in bed, giving it rizz, when Lister, that's the short, dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me through the head while I'm making love with Kochanski? CASSANDRA That is what is going to happen. [RIMMER grins exultantly, amms held up in celebration] RIMMER Fantastic!! [-- 41 - Int. Silverburg laundry room ------------------------------21:15--] [RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present] [RIMMER is on hands and knees, bouncing on a old mattress that he has arranged on the floor in an attempt to flatten out the worst of its lumps. KOCHANSKI stands against a wall as far away as possible, staring away and pressing a hand to her chest faintly] KOCHANSKI I can't believe what you're telling me..! RIMMER I can scarcely believe it myself. I mean, obviously, you're incredibly attractive; I never thought you'd look at me twice! KOCHANSKI Neither did I! RIMMER But, apparently, were gonna make love. Unbe-smegging-lieviable or what? It's not warm in here, fancy a wee nip? KOCHANSKI No, no, no, no. [RIMMER heads over to his flask anyway, and pours himself a small glass] KOCHANSKI But, why would I want to sleep with *you*? I mean, it doesn't make any sense. RIMMER Maybe you get blind drunk? KOCHANSKI Well that doesn't excuse my other four senses! RIMMER Right, barely an hour to go, shall we get started? I mean, let's face it, you can't change the future. Sadly. [KOCHANSKI remembers something, and points at RIMMER hopefully] KOCHANSKI But, you said, you *could*... RIMMER Yeah, I've changed my mind now. [RIMMER fiddles with a pipe and tap on the wall, intending to top up his drink] KOCHANSKI Look, are you sure you wouldn't like to play the opera game, instead? RIMMER Kris, it's what Cassandra saw. You can't cheat fate. KOCHANSKI Well, you just watch me, because there's no way on earth that I'm climbing out of my clothes, and clambering into that bed. [As RIMMER finally turns on his tap, the other end of the ancient pipe, which KOCHANSKI is standing next to, suddenly ruptures, spraying torrents of water and drenching her from head to toe. RIMMER fumbles with the tap and manages to stop the flood. KOCHANSKI glares at RIMMER] KOCHANSKI My clothes are soaking! RIMMER Why don't you take them off, and dry them on the heater? [KOCHANSKI snatches a blanket from a shelf beside her, sloshes over to RIMMER and grabs the drink from his hand] KOCHANSKI It's coming true, it's all coming true... RIMMER It's coming true, it's all coming true! [KOCHANKSI takes a belt from the glass, and shakes her head in some surprise] [-- 42 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------23:04--] [The Canaries' little submarine powers through the black water] [-- 43 - Int. Submarine --------------------------------------------23:11--] [KILL CRAZY, LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN present] [KILL CRAZY lies on his back, barely conscious, across the bench seats, a vicious arc of a cut prominent across a good part of his forehead] KILL CRAZY Uurrrhhhhhhh [CAT and KRYTEN spare the downed Canary a glance as LISTER makes preparations for leaving] CAT Bud, you can't go back there! LISTER Cassandra said Kris survives, and the only way that's gonna happen is if someone goes back in and saves her. [LISTER points at an area of the wall behind CAT and KRYTEN] LISTER Chuck'us the harpoon gun, will you. [CAT passes the weapon over, and LISTER carefully removes the safety cover from the tip of the spear] [-- 44 - Int. Silverburg laundry room -------------------------Raz--23:33--] [RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present] [RIMMER, now dressed only in his t-shirt, boxers and socks, bops happily in front of the hastily constructed bed, singing to himself wordlessly, and with an equal amount of tunefulness. KOCHANSKI is already in bed, naked but hiding inside a tightly wrapped blanket. RIMMER mooches closer to the bed and throws himself down beside her; KOCHANKSI flinches away] KOCHANSKI I'm not sure about this. This is the first time I've ever been seduced by predeterminism theory. RIMMER One hour exactly... [RIMMER puckers up and waggles his lips in KOCHANSKI's direction] [Enter LISTER] [Upon seeing LISTER dart in through a hatchway and level his harpoon gun, RIMMER turns away and scowls in disgust] RIMMER Oh bloody, buggering hell! Tonight must be the night they put the clocks forward! LISTER I've got it! RIMMER That's more than I did. LISTER I've worked it all out. RIMMER I never get any breaks, ever! Twenty seconds later you could've been on top and I could've used you as a human shield. KOCHANSKI I must have been mad, what the hell was I thinking? I felt sorry for you! LISTER Look, will you shut up and listen to me? [Crouching down beside the bed, LISTER picks up the glass discarded by KOCHANSKI and takes a sip] KOCHANSKI No! *Why* aren't you mad that I'm in bed with him? LISTER 'Cos i know *why* you're in bed with him. and I also know that i don't kill him KOCHANSKI Aw, but Cassandra promised... LISTER Cassandra made that up to force you two together. So that you'd feel sorry for him, and hopefully end up sleeping with him. RIMMER So why did she say she saw it happen? LISTER To try and *make* it happen. KOCHANSKI But why? LISTER To try and punish me! RIMMER Punish you? Why? LISTER 'Cos Cassandra knows, and has always known, how she dies. She's trying to make me suffer now for something that I'm destined to do in the future... RIMMER You kill her, don't you? That's why she hates you. Because she knows you're going got kill her. LISTER That's what this whole thing was about. Kryten figured it out. [RIMMER nods, his annoyance plain] RIMMER Kryten figured it out, did he? Good old Kryten. But did he really have to figure it out quite so damn fast? Would it have killed him to take thirty minutes longer? Ten minutes even? Two would have done. LISTER I'm gonna take care of the rest of it now. I'll, erm - [LISTER grins at the pair of them] LISTER - see you two lovebirds later... [Exit LISTER] [KOCHANSKI gets to her feet, keeping the blanket wrapped perfectly around her in that special way that only women can] RIMMER Look, thanks for being with me tonight. I can't think of anyone I'd rather share my final hour with than you, and I really mean that. I'm not all bad, in fact, sometimes I'm quite sweet and sensitive... [KOCHANSKI smiles gently and turns to leave] KOCHANSKI Bye. RIMMER By the way? KOCHANSKI Mm-hm? [RIMMER picks up KOCHANSKI's black knickers from the bed and dangles them in the air, grinning hugely] RIMMER Is it okay if I keep these? [-- 45 - Int. Silverburg computer room -----------------------------25:54--] [CASSANDRA present] [Enter LISTER] [LISTER sets down the glass the brought with him from the laundry room, and chomps quietly on a piece of chewing gum] LISTER If the future's all worked out - horoscopes, all that stuff - it means we're not responsible for anything we do. It means we're just actors saying lines in a script written by someone else. I don't wanna believe that. I wanna believe I'm in charge of my own life, my own destiny; so I'm not gonna kill you, Cassandra. I'm out of here. [LISTER turns to leave] CASSANDRA But you do kill me, I've seen it. LISTER Tomorrow's a new day. A fresh page in a book that's not been written yet. What happens in the future is up to me, not some 'predetermined destiny' smeg. I'll see you, kid-eh. [As LISTER turns away from CASSANDRA again, he takes out his gum and sticks it on the wall beside the hatchway before walking out. Almost immediately, the gum falls off the wall, landing on the articulated-arm of a lamp. The lamp eases slowly downwards under the fractional extra weight, coming to rest on a button. The button, in turn, supplies power to a desk fan, which spins up and begins to oscillate. The flow of air blows the gum off the lamp-arm, flicking it through the air in front of LISTER's startled face and depositing it neatly in the glass that LISTER brought with him. The gum's inertia pushes the glass off the narrow shelf on which it sat, spilling the contents over a wall panel. The liquid drips down into a socket, where a thick cable connects to the wall, and sparks begin to crackle from the connection. Sparks, accompanied by angry electrical pops, work their way along the cabling towards a bank of components, and things go from bad to worse when the whole console goes up in small explosion. CASSANDRA tilts her head and stares at LISTER in admirably subdued annoyance, before the entire column that housed her projection system detonates in spectacular fashion. LISTER surveys his handiwork with a pained expression] LISTER Smeg. Smeg... [Highly embarassed, he turns and walks carefully out] [--------------------------- END OF "CASSANDRA" --------------------27:14--]
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