Thursday, 1 November 2012

Season 8 Episode 8, Only the Good.

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                           RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                        EPISODE 8 -- ONLY THE GOOD
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                               Version 1.01
                            7 - 9 April, 1999
                        Last updated: 19 May, 1999
                         Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
                         http://www.matrixcity.org


[-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--]

[A derelict ship, floating in space. A pod tumbles away from the ship and
 slices by the camera]


[-- 2 - CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------0:04--]

[A plain starfield. Narrative text draws across the screen:]

  "Lone escape pod from SS Hermes -
  Survivors one.

  Ship destroyed by Chameleonic Microbe."

[A pause, then the words 'by Chameleonic Microbe.' are deleted, and replaced
 with:]

  "by Chamelionic Mycrobe."

[A second pause, then 'by Chamelionic Mycrobe.' is deleted, and replaced
 with the much simpler:]

  "by shape changing weird space thing.

  Non essential electrics all down,
  including spell checker.

  Massage ends."


[-- 3 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:26--]

[The triangular escape pod tumbles through space, its fuel spent. It
 approaches Red Dwarf and falls into the ship's gravity well]


[-- 4 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:36--]

[A cargo bay within Red Dwarf. The pod has been brought in and now sits
 upright in the bay. Narrative text appears:]

  "6 hours later"

[One side of the pod begins to shimmer, as some kind of black, flickery
 substance begins to spread out from the entry hatch and move around the
large, circular airlock cavity. As the black substance passes, the metalwork
of the pod vanishes, leaving behind a jagged tear through the airlock]


[-- 5 - Int. Captain's Recovery room --------------------------------0:46--]

[We see a close up on a TV screen, display on which is an old black and
 white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is being carried by a creature dressed
 in a dark suit and helmet; she kicks her legs and screams melodramatically]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[HOLLISTER is lying in bed, looking ill. There is a knock on the door, and
 the CAPTAIN struggles to croak around an obviously sore throat]

HOLLISTER
  ...Come in...

[More knocks issue, and HOLLISTER reacts with exasperation]

HOLLISTER
  ...Come in...

[HOLLISTER strains hard, but the caller obviously still does not hear, and
 knocks again]

HOLLISTER
  ...Come in!...

[There is a pause, then the door swishes open]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER
  Can I come in, sir?
  I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear me?
  Your hot lemon, sir.

[HOLLISTER takes the drink, then pats at his face]

HOLLISTER
  God-damn yellow fever. I've still got that jowly, flabby, puffiness around
my cheeks.

RIMMER
  Wasn't that there before your illness, sir?
  Yes, I'm sure it was, because -

[HOLLISTER glances at RIMMER sharply]

RIMMER
  Let me tuck you in, sir.

HOLLISTER
  How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet?

RIMMER
  Enjoying it, sir.
  Some directives for you to sign, sir:

[RIMMER hands over a clipboard, and the CAPTAIN leafs through it]

HOLLISTER
  What's this 'Space Core Free Pardon', exonerating you of all crimes, doing
in here?

[RIMMER sucks air through his mouth, an expression of incredulity on his
 face]

RIMMER
  Those people in Admin really need to pay more mind, sir, honestly! Tsk! You
can't rely on anyone these days, can you!

[HOLLISTER stares coldly at RIMMER, who breaks under the pressure and sinks
 to his knees by the CAPTAIN's bed]

RIMMER
  I'm so sorry, sir, it's just, if I've got a record, I'll never become an
officer and command my own ship; and that's what I long for more than
anything, sir, to be like you... Maybe thinner, and in better condition,
and obviously without your clogged arteries, but that aside, sir, you're the
person I admire the most.

HOLLISTER
  Another ambition achieved...

RIMMER
  You think I could become an officer, one day, sir?

HOLLISTER
  Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this, Rimmer, but I'm sorry,
you're just not officer material.

RIMMER
  'Not officer material', sir??

HOLLISTER
  If you wanna take my advice you'll redirect your energies and find
something that you have a genuine chance of succeeding at.

RIMMER
  Like what, sir?

[HOLLISTER feigns loss of speech]

RIMMER
  So you're saying I'm never going to become a Captain, sir? Never?

[HOLLISTER croaks words]

[There is another knock at the door, and a woman dressed in a flowing
 black dress sweeps in. Ignoring RIMMER, she stares down at the CAPTAIN]

WOMAN
  They said it was okay to drop by...

HOLLISTER
  Talia?? We-ll, hi!

[RIMMER jumps to his feet and smarms at the woman]

RIMMER
  Hi!

[The woman smiles in return, but immediately returns her gaze to the
 CAPTAIN]

HOLLISTER
  Ah, Rimmer was just leaving...

TALIA
  I can't believe we've run into one another again after all this time!

HOLLISTER
  Well, the nanobots must have resurrected you, too! You look... wonderful.

TALIA
  You made Captain; you've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got
goosebumps.

RIMMER
  The photograph of your *wife*, sir? Is it okay where it is or should I
turn it so it's facing the wall?

HOLLISTER
  Dismissed, Rimmer.

RIMMER
  Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
  Nothing I can get *you*, ma'am? Tea? Coffee?

[RIMMER turns and heads out, still muttering]

RIMMER
  Packet of three..?

[Exit RIMMER]

[TALIA's eyes widen as she hears RIMMER's parting words, and the CAPTAIN
 glares after him, then smiles and apologises to his guest]


[-- 6 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room --------------------Raz--3:34--]

[RIMMER present]

[RIMMER strides away from the CAPTAIN's room]

RIMMER
  Me? Not make it? What does he know? The big, stupid, yellow idiot.

[RIMMER pauses by a food dispenser, and begins fishing in his pocket]

RIMMER
  He doesn't see my good side, my guile, my weasel cunning. When the going
gets tough, my ability to find good hiding places.

[RIMMER takes out a token from his pocket and carefully extends a length of
 thread that is attached to it. He inserts the token into the dispenser's
 credit slot]

RIMMER
  He thinks I'm an imbecile, he really does...

[RIMMER taps in a few numbers on a control panel, and a chocolate bar drops
 into the vending compartment. RIMMER takes it]

RIMMER
  Ha ha. Me, an imbecile!

[In one smooth motion, RIMMER carefully tugs on the string and pulls his
 coin back out of the dispenser. Immediately lights begin to flash all over
 the machine]

DISPENSER
  Alert, alert! A choccy-nut bar - a choccy-nut bar - has been removed
without payment.

[RIMMER slaps his hand across the dispenser's speaker-unit]

DISPENSER
  A choccy-nut bar has been removed without payment. Alert, alert!

RIMMER
  Shut up!

DISPENSER
  No, shan't. Alert, alert!

RIMMER
  If you don't shut up, I'll pour beef soup into your speaker and you'll
drown.

DISPENSER
  Take your hand off m' speaker then.

RIMMER
  Promise to shut up?

DISPENSER
  Promise.

[RIMMER uncovers the speaker]

DISPENSER
  Ha ha ha haa! I had m' circuits crossed! Alert, alert! Chocolate abduction
on floor three-four-one. Alert -

[Angrily, RIMMER crumples up the CAPTAIN's directives and stuffs the papers
 into the dispenser's speaker grille. He begins peeling off the sticky-
 backed instruction labels that decorate the dispenser over its various slots
 and vents and, in an attempt to silence the machine, re-sticks them so that
 they cover the speaker grille]

DISPENSER
  Ooh, I say, you w'll - you will not get away with this, I may not be able
to see you but I know your taste in confectionary! And I also - I also
know - I also know, ha haa, erm, no, in fact that *is* all I know, just your
taste in confectionary, but no matter, because one day I'll hear
your voice again and I'll expose you for the chocolate thieving dog you are!

[RIMMER gives up on trying to suffocate the machine, and rubs his hands on
 his trousers nervously]

RIMMER
  I'm really scared! I'm being threatened by a dispensing machine!

[Enter HOLLISTER]

[HOLLISTER approaches RIMMER from behind, carrying the tray RIMMER brought
 with him to the recovery room. Still railing at the dispenser, RIMMER does
 not see him approach]

RIMMER
  What are you gonna do, leave a horse's head made out of marzipan in my
bed?
  "Oh, mummy, help, help, help! I'm really scared!"

HOLLISTER
  Rimmer..?

[RIMMER whirls around and flattens himself against the wall]

HOLLISTER
  You forgot your tray...

RIMMER
  Thank you, sir.

[HOLLISTER turns to walk away]

DISPENSER
  He stole some chocolate! He stole s -

[RIMMER claps his hand across the speaker once more as HOLLISTER turns back
 to regard him. The CAPTAIN opens his mouth and points at RIMMER, then
 thinks better of it and heads back to his room]

[Exit HOLLISTER]

DISPENSER
  You are my nemesis... one day, our paths will cross again, and I - I will
*destroy* you...

RIMMER
  And on that day, I will be the Captain of this ship.

[Exit RIMMER]


[-- 7 - Int. Corridors circling Floor 13's central chamber ----------5:30--]

[CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present]

[The trio are walking through corridors on Floor 13]

CAT
  It's okay for Mister cushy-working-for-the-Captain-now, but what about
me? All that damned rock!
  My back's killing me, bud! Look at my spine, it's so curved, if you threw
it away it'd come back!
  Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock! I ain't used to work! But what job do
they give me?

KRYTEN
  Er, something to do with rocks, sir?

CAT
  Exactly. You know what they've got me doing? I've got to put all the rock
albums on the P.A. system. I've got to change those suckers once every
forty-five minutes! I'm a physical wreck!
  Probation's killing me, buds..!

[Exit CAT]

[Thankful for the silence, LISTER notices the piece of card that KRYTEN
 carries]

LISTER
  What's that?

KRYTEN
  Oh, it's just a present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski.

[KRYTEN holds it up for LISTER to see]

LISTER
  What, a calendar?

KRYTEN
  Mmm. A couple of days ago she was looking at the old calendar and she
said it was the wrong time of the month, so I got her a new one.
  I'm going to tell her, the calendar people made a mistake, but let's just
leave this whole 'wrong month' thing behind us; they were stupid, it was
careless, but being grumpy and tearful about it is getting it way out of
proportion.

LISTER
  A little word in your audio receiver:

[KRYTEN leans closer, and LISTER whispers into his ear for a few moments.
They separate]

KRYTEN
  And this happens to all women? They become cranky and weird, and yet you
never see this in films or on TV... and men are supposed to be in control of
the media..! This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate!

LISTER
  Relax, its not a big deal. I'll tell you what to do and how to behave;
everything. Just trust me.


[-- 8 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------7:05--]

[KRYTEN present]

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

[KOCHANSKI spots KRYTEN, then glances up at something above him. She does a
 double-take and her eyes widen. KRYTEN stands under a large banner that
 proclaims: "HAVE A FANTASTIC PERIOD"]

KRYTEN
  Ta-daaaa!
  Thank goodness for Mister Lister! I nearly made such a fool of myself.

[KRYTEN holds up a single tampon, dangling on its string and adorned with
 green ribbons]

KRYTEN
  A little present ma'am.

[KOCHANKSI narrows her eyes and nods as if playing along]

KRYTEN
  All gift-wrapped.
  I hope I chose the right size...

KOCHANSKI
  Dave told you to do this, didn't he.

KRYTEN

  Ohhh, isn't he wonderful?

KOCHANSKI
  Oh yeah. Sometimes he's so cute I could just eat him.

KRYTEN
  He explained everything to me so I wouldn't embarrass myself.

[KRYTEN grins and gestures with the tampon]

KOCHANSKI
  Come on then, open it! I want you to try it on. Maybe you could do a
little twirl in it?

[KOCHANSKI scowls and glares at KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI
  Kryten, how can I put this..?

KRYTEN
  Is there something wrong, ma'am?

[KRYTEN pauses for a moment, considering, then quickly lowers his arm]

KRYTEN
  He set me up, didn't he. This is absolutely the wrong thing to do when a
woman is having a...

[KRYTEN points upwards towards the last word of the banner]

KRYTEN
  Is the banner wrong, too?

[KOCHANSKI nods, quietly]

KOCHANSKI
  Oh yeah.

KRYTEN
  He was lying!
  I've been duped by a master craftsman. Well, two can play at this game!

KOCHANSKI
  Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?

KRYTEN
  Well, are you sure you have time for this, ma'am? I realise the next few
days are very special for you. Don't you want to be playing tennis alot in
tight, white jeans? Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that. And not
forgetting all that blue stuff you've got to pour over things.

KOCHANSKI
  Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back!

KRYTEN
  Right, here's my idea...

[KRYTEN lowers his voice and goes through the details quickly, gesturing
 exaggeratedly to illustrate the key points]


[-- 9 - Int. Cell ----------------------------------------------Raz--9:04--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

[LISTER and RIMMER are sat at their table, playing draughts. A quiet whistle
 is heard, and LISTER looks at his watch]

LISTER
  That's Holl, he must want something.

[LISTER prods the watch and transfers HOLLY to the wall monitor]

HOLLY [on viewscreen]
  Thought you might like to hear some hot off the press, official insider
information.
  There's gonna be a cell inspection in about ten minutes. Keep it under
  your hat.

[HOLLY winks conspiratorially, and LISTER nods]

[Enter GUARD]

GUARD
  Cell inspection in ten minutes.

[Exit GUARD]

[LISTER glances back to HOLLY]


[-- 10 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:29--]

[HOLLY present]

[HOLLY nods and smiles, pleased with himself]

HOLLY
  Told you.


[-- 11 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:33--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

LISTER
  Thanks, Holl, it was most helpful.


[-- 12 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:37--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
  When it comes to being ahead of the game, I'm your man.


[-- 13 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:42--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

RIMMER
  If you don't mind me asking, where did you get that priceless nugget of
information *way* before it got into the public domain?


[-- 14 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:48--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
  I've hacked into the ship's computer system; got into the prison log. I've
also managed to get a goosey at the supplies inventory. Discovered stuff in
there that'll make your hair stand on end...

[-- 15 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:59--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

LISTER
  What stuff?


[-- 16 - Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------10:01--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
  'Brylcreme', it's called. Y' put it on your head, and it makes your hair
stand on end. Apparently we've only got two jars left, so if you need some,
let me know.
  As soon as I've got anything else that'll be useful I'll be back.


[-- 17 - Int. Cell -------------------------------------------------10:20--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

RIMMER
  See you in about twenty-five years, then.

[HOLLY nods and pulls a sarcastic face, and his image dissolves]

[Exit HOLLY]

[LISTER scratches at his forehead intently]]

LISTER
  This little scar's itchy today. Must be all the dust.

RIMMER
  You've got a scar? When did you get that?

LISTER
  Those complimentary pens that the hospital guys were giving out - y'know,
er, "most accidents happen in the home, so be careful" ones? I accidentally
stabbed m'self in the head with one.

RIMMER
  Where were you?

LISTER
  I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid or anything.

RIMMER
  That's not a scar, that's a nick. *That* is a scar.

[RIMMER points at the small white mark under his jawline]

LISTER
  Where did you get that?

RIMMER
  From a fight, years ago. Duel.

LISTER
  A duel? You? Get out of town!

RIMMER
  Not *a* duel; "Duel", the old Steven Spielburg movie. Friend of mine
attacked me with a video case. Some stupid argument about who had the
coolest bicycle clips.
  I got him back, though. I peed in his mum's steam iron; he had yellow
t-shirts for a week.

[A buzzing noise issues from a small device on the wall of their cell]

RIMMER
  Why's that going off?

[RIMMER crosses to the device and tears off the piece of paper that the
 machine has just printed]

RIMMER
  It's from Kryten: "Look under the draughts board".

LISTER
  Another note...
  "Dear Mister Lister, thanks for your wonderful advice regarding Miss
Kochanski. In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash of illegal hooch
and hide it in... your shower"!
  "I am laughing as I write this knowing your cell is about to be searched,
and imagining the panic now gripping your soul"!!

[LISTER tears open the shower cubicle and sees several demijohns]

RIMMER
  Oh my god!

LISTER
  Oh god!

RIMMER
  What the hell are we gonna do? We've got an inspection in five minutes!
We're on probation!

LISTER
  Down the loo; down the sink.

[LISTER drags one of the demijohns over to their sink and upends the contents
 into it]

RIMMER
  Baxter's gonna kill us if he finds out we're doing this!

LISTER
  The Captain's gonna kill us if we don't!

RIMMER
  But Baxter! You've seen what he's like: grizzly bears run screaming from
*him*. Last week he was playing poker, ran out of money - he bet his right
nut on a pair of jacks! A pair of jacks! That's how hard he is.

[A warning light flashes above LISTER's head]

LISTER
  Smeg, the tank's full!

RIMMER
  What're we gonna do? We've still got two bottles left!

LISTER
  We're gonna have to drink it.

RIMMER
  Drink it? This Baxter's hooch, it's about three hundred percent proof! A
  bottle of this would get the entire Greek navy drunk.

LISTER
  It'll put hairs on your chest.

RIMMER
  It'll put hairs on your lips! It'll put hairs on your... hairs! It's
lethal.

LISTER
  Look, do you wanna get caught in possession of illegal hooch? Get
drinkin'.

RIMMER
  Have we got any mixers?

LISTER
  You are wetter than a driving instructors handshake, aren't you. Get it
down your gob!

[LISTER takes a tentative sip from one of the bottles. He lowers the bottle
 slowly, face slack. He coughs painfully and shuffles hesitantly towards his
 chair]

RIMMER
  What's it like?

LISTER
  It's okay...

[RIMMER takes a wary sip himself. After a moment, his mouth begins to
 tremble, followed by the rest of his head. By the time he joins LISTER at
 the table, most of his body is convulsing gently. LISTER topples off the
 side of his chair and sits down heavily on the floor]


[-- 18 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------13:37--]

[A plain black screen. Text appears:]

  "5 minutes sshhlater..."


[-- 19 - Int. Cell -------------------------------------------------13:41--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

[LISTER has managed to regain his seat, but apart from that, nothing has
 changed. Both RIMMER and LISTER sit quietly, wobbling gently and looking
 decidedly ill]

[Enter ACKERMAN]

ACKERMAN
  In-spec-tion!

[ACKERMAN's smile disappears as the pair ignore him, and he glares down at
 them]

ACKERMAN
  On your feet...

[RIMMER and LISTER do as ordered; or, at least, try. Several long moments
 later, both have succeeded in pushing themselves to their feet]

ACKERMAN
  Stand by your bunks...

[ACKERMAN moves aside and, with great care, RIMMER and LISTER make a dive
for the bunks, each managing to grab the top bed and hold themselves
upright. ACKERMAN takes a sniff of the demijohn standing on the table,
grimaces, and walks across the room to stand between RIMMER and LISTER in
front of the bunks]

ACKERMAN
  You're drunk.

LISTER
  Drunk, shir?

[LISTER shakes his head emphatically then finds it difficult to stop]

LISTER
  No, sir.

RIMMER
  Absolutelly not, sir, no. No, no. No.

[ACKERMAN ponders for a moment]

ACKERMAN
  Who fancies a kebab?

LISTER
  Oh yeah!

RIMMER
  Me, sir, me!

LISTER
  Oh smeg... he's shticked us.

[RIMMER passes out and falls stiffly to the floor. LISTER points and
 giggles, then thinks hard for a few seconds]

LISTER
  Musht've been tshe jshelly shtrifle for lunch, shir. Told him not to go
back for seconds, sir.

[LISTER rests his head against ACKERMAN's shoulder and instantly falls
 asleep, snoring softly. ACKERMAN looks out of the cell]

ACKERMAN
  Call the medi-bay; we need two stomach pumps.

[ACKERMAN stares at LISTER with disgust]

ACKERMAN
  Super-suck...


[-- 20 - Int. Mess hall --------------------------------------------15:29--]

[KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT, other prisoners present]

[Enter BAXTER, two cronies]

KOCHANSKI
  It's Baxter...

[BAXTER menaces across the mess hall and leans over the Dwarfer's table]

BAXTER
  Your two mates stole my hooch; and when they get out of hospital, and
there's no guards about, this is what's gonna happen to them...

[BAXTER picks up two bread buns from the table in front of CAT and crushes
 them in his fists. He giggles insanely]

CAT
  You're gonna squeeze their rolls?
  That's irritating, but hey, in many ways they'll be quite relieved!

[Exit BAXTER]

KRYTEN
  What've I done!?


[-- 21 - Int. Red Dwarf medibay ------------------------------------16:13--]

[LISTER, RIMMER present]

[The pair are laid in hospital beds and hooked up to I.V.'s]

RIMMER
  Uaaahhhhh...

[Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN]

[KOCHANSKI is sat in a wheelchair, which KRYTEN is pushing. In an
attempt to look like legitimate patients, both are dressed in white gowns,
KOCHANSKI has a large saucepan apparently stuck over her head, and KRYTEN's
head has been dotted with blue blobs of Blu-tak]

KOCHANSKI
  Baxter's out to mash you - you've got to escape. We all have.

KRYTEN
  Security's lax, here. If we can make it to the landing bay, and steal a
ship, well, Bob's your Skutter!

RIMMER
  Where's the Cat?

KRYTEN
  He should be getting himself hospitalised any second.


[-- 22 - Int. Mess hall --------------------------------------------16:40--]

[Three bulky prisoners are sat on a bench beside a table, eating meals from
 trays]

[Enter CAT]

[CAT steps over the bench and proceeds to lever himself a space between two
 of the men, his elbows, knees and feet all causing the other men obvious
 annoyance as he pushes them aside. All three prisoners stare menacingly at
 CAT, but say nothing. CAT gestures down the table and speaks to the man
 previously in the middle of the three prisoners]

CAT
  Pass the salt, would you?

[As the man looks away to get the salt, CAT grabs a handful of fries from
 the burly prisoner's tray and stuffs them into his mouth. As he turns back,
 the man glances at his lighter tray, then at CAT, who points past him to
 the prisoner sat at the end of the table]

CAT
  That guy there took some of your fries.

[Despite the ludicrous suggestion, the big man looks at the other prisoner
anyway, who stares back impassively and goes back to his meal while CAT
helps himself to the other man's tray twice more. The burly prisoner stares
at CAT again]

BIG MEAT
  What in the hell are you doin' -

[BIG MEAT casts a disdainful eye at CAT's haircut]

BIG MEAT
  - Shirley?

[CAT glances at the man's large stomach]

CAT
  I'm stealing your fries, fatboy.

[While BIG MEAT looks on incredulously, CAT elbows past him, grabs two more
mouthfuls of fries, steals his drink to wash them down, then picks up his
sausage and bites off a chunk. CAT then grabs the spoon from BIG MEAT's
hand and takes two spoonfuls of the man's trifle before tossing the spoon
down onto the tray]

CAT
  Mmm. This is good. Tasty.

[BIG MEAT stares coldly at CAT and speaks slowly and menacingly]

BIG MEAT
  There ain't no one more bad-ass *evil* in the whole of hell! What makes
you think you can diss me and live?

CAT
  Cos things are changin' 'round here. From now on, marshmallow ass, you're
my bitch!

[Suddenly CAT closes his eyes and thrusts his jaw out at BIG MEAT, who
 simply stares at him in amazement]

BIG MEAT
  Your what?

CAT
  B - I - itch, 'bitch'! That's what you look like; that's what you are!
Understand?

[Again CAT squeezes his eyes shut and thrusts out his jaw, muscles tensed]

[BIG MEAT is motionless for a moment, then suddenly he seems to sag]

BIG MEAT
  Okay!

CAT
  What?

BIG MEAT
  Anyone who tough-talks me gotta be a no-loadin' pug! You want me to be
your bitch, that's *fine* by me! Sir!

CAT
  You sure you don't want to just hit me a couple of times, test me out?

BIG MEAT
  No, sir! I'm your bitch! From now on I'm your jiggly-wiggly, roll-over,
sweet-patooey, honey-bun missy! I just wan' make you happy!

CAT
  Then hit me!

[CAT offers his jaw desperately]

BIG MEAT
  And hurt my baby's kisser? Nothin' doin'!

[BIG MEAT puts his huge arms around CAT and smiles broadly. CAT turns away
 as much as he can, panic on his face]

CAT
  Damn!


[-- 23 - Int. Red Dwarf medi-bay ------------------------------Raz--18:52--]

[LISTER present, RIMMER, NURSE present]

[Exit NURSE]

[Enter CAT]

[CAT presses himself up against the corner he just entered around, checking
behind him to check if the NURSE noticed anything peculiar. It's easy to see
what he's worried about - he is dressed in a nurse's yellow-checked utility
dress and white cap. Satisfied the NURSE has left, CAT totters to LISTER's
bedside on a pair of high heels and pretends to check his pulse. His eyes
closed, LISTER smiles and raises his head, then grimaces in surprise]

CAT
  We can't hang around, we've gotta be out of here by five o'clock!

LISTER
  What's so special about five o'clock?

CAT
  Five o'clock's bed-bath time! And apparently, I'm doin' them!


[-- 24 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------19:20--]

[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

[KRYTEN unfastens the cover of an access tube set into the wall of the
 corridor and the Dwarfers file out]


[-- 25 - Int. Red Dwarf Landing bay 2 ------------------------------19:26--]

[The Dwarfers approach a dark and empty section of corridors leading
 towards the landing bay. A short way along a corridor, a film of some
 gelatinous, lumpy substance coats the various metal surfaces, and the whole
 section steams and drips steadily as the metal corrodes away]

[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER]

KRYTEN
  The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes - it's on Red Dwarf!

[Enter RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

LISTER
  How?

RIMMER
  The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the one
Talia whatsername arrived on.

LISTER
  We've gotta go back and tell them.

RIMMER
  But what about our escape?

LISTER
  It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now, they've got
a chance to work on an antidote.

RIMMER
  You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you?

KOCHANSKI
  No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.

RIMMER
  Yeah, 'the big picture' involves you, no clothes and a haystack.


[-- 26 - Int. Central chamber, floor 13 ----------------------------20:01--]

[Prisoners, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[HOLLISTER stands on the the first level balcony that circles the chamber
 and looks down at the inmates]

HOLLISTER
  Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism. As
you probably know, we don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued,
so most of you will be staying behind to die. Oh, there's an apology about
that in the internal mail.


[-- 27 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------20:18--]

[Red Dwarf cruises through space, as several squadrons of Blue Midget and
 Starbug transport craft stream away]


[-- 28 - Int. Landing bay 2, corroding corridor --------------------20:28--]

[KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]

[KRYTEN holds a test tube, and gingerly collects a quantity of the dark
 brown, jelly-like microbe]

KRYTEN
  Just as I thought. Created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass.

CAT
  So all we need is a plutonium powered greenhouse and we're home free!

KRYTEN
  We need an antidote. Something that can neutralise the corrosive
negativity of the microbe.

LISTER
  Something with a corrosive *positivity*?

CAT
  So where do we get that?

HOLLY [on LISTER's wristwatch]
  There's nothing in Yellow Pages.

KOCHANSKI
  A mirror universe! A universe where things are diametrically opposite to
this one. There, negative becomes positive, and a virus becomes an antidote.


[-- 29 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------20:59--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present]

[KRYTEN fusses over a small device he has placed on a platform in the centre
 of the room. KRYTEN powers up his machine, and a shimmering beam of light
 streams from the unit and into the prism positioned in front of it. The
 light emerges on the other side of the prism, circled by diminishing
 concentric rings, continuing forward until it strikes a tall mirror hung on
 the wall. The mirror 'ripples' as the beam perturbs its surface]

KRYTEN
  If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror
universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't
know until we get there.

[LISTER gestures to RIMMER to lead on. Holding the tube of microbes in his
 right hand, RIMMER steps through the mirror...]


[-- 30 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:18--]

[RIMMER present]

[...and emerges in a mirror image of the room he just left. RIMMER holds up
 the test tube, surprised to see that he now holds it in his left hand, and
 that its contents have turned white]


[-- 31 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:22--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[An angry pop and a flash of sparks come from KRYTEN's machine, and the beam
 of light abruptly cuts off. KOCHANSKI, in the act of following RIMMER,
 finds herself colliding with a suddenly solid mirror]


[-- 32 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:25--]

[RIMMER present]

[RIMMER notices the mirror solidify behind him and spins around, panicked.
 He checks the now-solid surface closely, but there's nothing he can do]


[-- 33 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:28--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[The machine fizzles and pops, showering sparks and sending a cloud of smoke
 spiralling upwards]

KRYTEN
  It's overloaded! We've lost Mister Rimmer!

CAT
  At last, things are looking up!

LISTER
  How long's it going to take to fix that thing?

KRYTEN
  Well, best guess, about twenty minutes.


[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:39--]

[RIMMER looks around the room. We see a close up on a TV screen, which is
 showing an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is carrying
 a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet that kicks its legs and howls
 melodramatically.

 There is a knock on the door. RIMMER realises what is going on, and dives
 to the bed, taking off his boots. The caller knocks again, while RIMMER
 finds a blanket tucked behind a pillow on the bed]


[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Corridor outside recovery room ------22:00--]

[CREWMEMBER present]

[Close up: a CREWMEMBER knocks again on the door]


[-- 35 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------22:02--]

[RIMMER has managed to slip under the blanket. The door slides open and
 RIMMER hastily grabs the microbe tube and stuffs it under the blanket]

[Enter MIRROR HOLLISTER]

[M.HOLLISTER is carrying a tray with a drink and clipboard on it, and smiles
 sycophantically]

M.HOLLISTER
  Can I come in, sir?
  I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear?
  Here's your hot lemon, sir.

[RIMMER takes a sip, before handing the glass back and glancing at the
 insignias on M.HOLLISTER's shirt]

RIMMER
  Thank you, erm... Private... nobody.

M.HOLLISTER
  Oh, er, a few directives to sign, sir.

RIMMER
  Of course, laddie.

[RIMMER takes the clipboard and turns to the second page, then scowls]

RIMMER
  A free pardon, exonerating you from all crimes?

[RIMMER tears out the false directive and throws it away. M.HOLLISTER exhales
 loudly]

M.HOLLISTER
  Oohhh, I don't know how that got in there, sir, I, er... I...

RIMMER
  Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie?

M.HOLLISTER
  Oh, sir, could I? One day, could I be?

RIMMER
  No, I don't think you could.

[RIMMER takes a pen and tries to sign a directive, but his arm refuses to
 control the pen properly]

RIMMER
  Of course, it's a mirror universe, everything's opposite...

[RIMMER puts the pen in his left hand and signs the directive. Suddenly, a
thought occurs to him and he grins excitedly. Lifting the blanket, he
glances downwards, stares intently for a few moments and swallows]

RIMMER
  My God... this is gonna take some getting used to...

[Enter MIRROR TALIA]

M.TALIA
  They said it was okay to drop by...
  You look wonderful...

RIMMER
  So do you...
  [To M.HOLLISTER:] That'll be all, shambles.

M.HOLLISTER
  Yes, sir.

M.TALIA
  You made Captain -

[Exit MIRROR HOLLISTER]

M.TALIA
  You've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps.

RIMMER
  So have I!

M.TALIA
  Let me kiss you.

[As M.TALIA leans forward, RIMMER grabs her eagerly and presses her lips to
 his in a passionate kiss. Immediately, though, the woman tries to squirm
 away, making muffled protests. RIMMER realises the problem and releases
 her]

M.TALIA
  What are you doing!?

RIMMER
  I'm giving you a big, wet snog, with oodles of Tommy-tongue!

M.TALIA
  But I'm your sister!

[Shock paints RIMMER's face, and he sits bolt upright in the bed]

RIMMER
  Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you. I, erm...

M.TALIA
  You French-kissed me!

RIMMER
  No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgium-kissed you. I - I - I... urrrgghh...
I've been really ill... You're the Captain's sister?

[RIMMER begins to hyperventilate, then passes out. Seconds later, he lets
out an abrupt groan and sits up again]

RIMMER
  Oh, my god, what a terrible dream!
  Oh, hi, sis! It's me, Arnie, your bro! Get your big ol' lumpy bum down
here and give'us a big hug!

[RIMMER reaches out, catching M.TALIA's nose between his fingers playfully
 and shaking her head, but she pulls her nose free and backs away, appalled]

M.TALIA
  Captain Rimmer! I am Sister Talia Garrett; your personal spiritual
advisor!

[M.TALIA lets out a strained whimper and flees]

[Exit M.TALIA]

RIMMER
  Sis! Sister... whoever you are!
  Oh, smeg!


[-- 36 - Int. Mirror universe, Science office ----------------------24:50--]

[MIRROR KOCHANSKI present]

[M.KOCHANSKI sits at a desk engrossed in a magazine. In this mirror
 universe, she has tumbling blonde curls, and is wearing a pink satin
 blouse]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER
  Excuse me?

M.KOCHANSKI
  Yes?

[M.KOCHANSKI speaks in a nasal voice, and doesn't look up from her magazine]

RIMMER
  I wonder, could you tell me what this is?

[M.KOCHANSKI frowns at the tube RIMMER holds up]

M.KOCHANSKI
  You'll have to ask the professor, then. He does all that stupid, sciencey
brain-box type stuff.

[A door, marked 'HAZARD AREA' mirrored backwards, swings open]

[Enter MIRROR CAT]

[The MIRROR CAT is wearing a tweed suit, bow tie and glasses, and wears his
 hair in a short afro cut]

M.CAT
  Somebody call?

RIMMER
  Professor!?

M.CAT
  Yes, Captain?

RIMMER
  Perhaps you could help me. What's this?

[RIMMER hands him the test tube, which M.CAT sniffs]

M.CAT
  Hmm.

[M.CAT glances at the tube under a microscope, then holds it up once more
and frowns at the contents]

M.CAT
  Hmmm, its an alkali.

RIMMER
  Oh yes? What's it called?

M.CAT
  Soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide.
  You look surprised.

RIMMER
  I never thought I'd ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me?

M.CAT
  Certainly.
 [To M.KOCHANSKI:] Can I have an extremely *long* piece of paper, my dear?


[-- 37 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------25:36--]

[The mirror universe machine has apparently been fixed. It sends its beam
through the mirror once more, and is working well enough to allow RIMMER's
leg to pass through the glass, quickly followed by the rest of him]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER is holding the piece of paper with the formula, but appears to have
 left his test tube behind. As he enters the room fully, the beam of light
 from KRYTEN's machine fades away and disappears]

RIMMER
  The antidote; I did it!

[RIMMER quickly realises that the room is empty. More worryingly, red
warning lights pulse over the metal walls of the corridor outside.


[-- 38 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room -----------------------25:44--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from
 ruptured pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship
 trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all
 around. RIMMER pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in
 panic]

RIMMER
  Wha - Where is everyone?

DISPENSER
  They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You're
the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I *suppose* that makes
you Captain - congratulations, Cap.

RIMMER
  Smeg off!


[-- 39 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------26:05--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER dashes back into the recovery room but realises that the device is
 off and the doorway to the mirror universe is closed. He glances at t

Season 8 Episode 7, Peter Part 2

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                           RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                         EPISODE 7 -- PETE, part 2
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                               Version 0.3
                            5 - 6 April, 1999
                         Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
                         http://www.matrixcity.org


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

"Last time on Red Dwarf"


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Several crewmembers stand stock-still. A pingpong game was obviously in
 progress, too. Two crewmen are hunched over the table, and the ball hangs
 motionless and unsupported in the air just in front of one of the players]

[Enter LISTER, RIMMER, BIRDMAN]

[BIRDMAN has found a cage for PETE, and carries it with him]

RIMMER
  What happenned to everyone?

LISTER
  It's like they're all frozen on the spot.

RIMMER
  Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her.

LISTER
  Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy!

[LISTER plucks the pingpong ball from mid-air, tosses it up in the air and
 catches it then pockets it]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KOCHANSKI
  We've found this machine that can digitise Time, and we can release jets
of it [...]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KRYTEN
  It seems to have restored your hair to a previous Time period to the rest
of you.


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

CAT
  [...] It was an accident!

[Spinning CAT around, BAXTER shoves him head first through the dispensing
 hatch, before addressing the voice-recognition unit]

BAXTER
  Hot Bovril!

CAT
  Aaaagghhh!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

CAT
  [...] Fix him with the Time wand!

KRYTEN
  Watch this!

[KRYTEN zaps BAXTER's dinner tray, turning the man's cooked chicken into
 something alive and clucking. Startled, BAXTER sweeps the chicken off the
 table, turning to glare at his pals who are laughing loudly. He elbows the
 man beside him in the face]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

BIRDMAN
  And this is Pete.

[...]

BIRDMAN
  The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im!

LISTER
  He really loved that bird, it was only thing that kept him going.

KRYTEN
  I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think the Time Wand could bring him
back to life; make him young and strong again.
  Watch:

[KRYTEN taps instructions into the Time Wand, then zaps Pete's cage. There's
 is a huge explosion - the bird disappears, and Birdman is sent sprawling,
 losing his glasses in the process. As Birdman scrabbles around on the
 floor, and the Dwarfers stand over the smoking remains of the cage, there
 is a resounding boom as a gargantuan, scaly foot slams down onto the deck]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Roaring menacingly, a massive Tyranosaurus Rex towers above the amazed
 humans, who begin backpeddling almost unconsciously]

LISTER
  Where the *hell* did Barney's ugly brother come from??

KRYTEN
  From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod
family. I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years!

[...]

[Still without his glasses, Birdman suddenly finds a large, bird's foot-like
object scant inches from his face. He reaches out and fumbles at Pete's
smooth central claw]

BIRDMAN
  [...] Is that you, Pete?

KOCHANSKI
  Birdman!

[Pete eats BIRDMAN]

KRYTEN
  What now, sir?

RIMMER
  Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


KRYTEN
  Hey! Hey! Pete, eat me! Here!
  Bob! Bob, catch!

[KRYTEN throws the TIme Wand to the SKUTTER, who catches it in its claw]

LISTER
  Bob!

[Pete, towing over the Skutter, leans down and swallows the robot whole]

KRYTEN
  Bob!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

LISTER
  Come on Kryten, hurry up!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Inside Pete, BOB the SKUTTER breaks the surface of a vat of stomach acids,
 waggling his empty claw momentarily, BOB lowers himself into the depths
 once more]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[LISTER holds open the large food bay doors long enough for KRYTEN to dash
 through, then seals them closed. Pete bashes his head against them, and
 they buckle as if made of rubber]

KRYTEN
  Leg it mode, sir!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]

LISTER
  We've lost the time wand.

CAT
  How the hell're we going to get rid of that thing now?

RIMMER
  We're finished!

LISTER
  Stop yelling, man, we've gotta think our way out of this.

RIMMER
  We're finished!

LISTER
  Shut up and get a grip, man!

RIMMER
  I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just - I was - Look, I'm better now.
Can I just say one thing?

LISTER
  Yeah, go on.

RIMMER
  We're finished!

LISTER
  Holl, we need some advice, man. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was
formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody
Woodpecker is in it's stomach. What's your take on the situation?

HOLLY
  What do you want, the long or the short version?

LISTER
  Ooh... long.

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLY
  You're finished.

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

CAT
  What's the short version??

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLY
  'Bye.

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KOCHANSKI
  Kryten?

KRYTEN
  Er, yes, ma'am?

KOCHANSKI
  How long, in the normal course of things, will it take for Pete to pass
the Time Wand out of his system?

KRYTEN
  Well, strangely enough, ma'am, I don't have that information in my
database. My programmers, for some insane reason, decided that 'dinosaur
bowel movement frequency' tables wouldn't be required. Imbeciles!

LISTER
  Why? What's your suggestion?

KOCHANSKI
  Well, the quicker we get the Time Wand back, the better, right?

LISTER
  Right.

KOCHANSKI
  Right. So, why don't we lure Pete into the food bay and get him to eat
some roughage!

CAT
  Get a T-Rex to eat roughage?

KOCHANSKI
  Yeah! All-Bran, prunes, baked beans on toast, that sort of stuff.

RIMMER
  We can't even get Lister to eat that sort of stuff, let alone a seven-ton
dinosaur!

KOCHANSKI
  Look, the more roughage, the quicker we get the Time Wand back. Have you
got any better ideas?

RIMMER
  Yes, I  have got a better idea, actually. I'm going to kill myself.

LISTER
  We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead.

RIMMER
  Keep him quiet? He's rampaging about the food decks making more noise
than two yodelling champions on honeymoon!
  Everyone on the ship will have heard him by now.

KRYTEN
  But, sir, the crew are frozen, operating on a different Time stream. Now,
if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before
the freeze expires, no one need be any the wiser.

CAT
  He's right. I just listened to everthing he said and I still ain't got a
clue what's happenning.

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[SKUTTER catches buttons on the Time Wand and unfreezes the crew]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[CAT is at the controls of a JMC fork-lift truck, and KRYTEN shouts
 directions. The Dwarfers have converted a huge, bright yellow, inflatable
 dinghy into a temporary food bowl - a large 'D I N O' has been scrawled on
 the side, and the thing is full to the brim with hideous brown watery
 substance]

KRYTEN
  Right over, sir. We don't want a gap. Right over.

[CAT throws a lever, and the fork-lift lowers a frozen whole cow slowly into
 the mixture]

RIMMER
 Cow vindaloo? It's not gonna work.

LISTER
  Of course it's gonna work.

RIMMER
  T-Rex's don't like curry.

LISTER
  They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries. If a T-Rex was a
bloke he'd be a Geordie. The kind of guy who wears t-shirts in the middle of
winter and his nipples don't even get hard.

RIMMER
  A seven-ton Theropod is not going to eat Indian food. They like flesh.
Preferably living, liberally coated in blood with a side-order of
intestines, and an extra portion of blood.
  A bit like the French in that respect.

LISTER
  Look, we've got nothing to lose. And if the worst comes to the worst, and
the dino doesn't it, I'll scoff it myself.

[Pete suddenly breaks a foot through the bottom of the once-sealed doors]

LISTER
  That door's not gonna hold out much longer.

RIMMER
  If only that damn T-Rex felt like I do now; he wouldn't even *need* a
curry.

[CAT and KRYTEN are pouring bags of bran into the jerry-rigged food bowl]

LISTER
  Don't put that stuff in, you're gonna spoil the taste!

KOCHANSKI
  Here he comes!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Pete takes an experimental sniff at the contents of the bowl, then begins
 slurping noisily]

LISTER
  It's loving it!
  Maybe we should have made some poppadums, gone the whole hog?

CAT
  The whole hog? Like it wasn't hard enough getting the whole cow?

[Pete raises his head high and shakes it]

LISTER
  I think he wants a lager.

[Pete abruptly stops moving, then lowers his head slowly. Suddenly, his eyes
 bug out, his nostrils flare and lets out a piercing screech]

LISTER
  It was a hot one, but with it being a dino I thought it could stand it!

[Yowling piteously, Pete stomps back and forth looking for relief. Finally
 he smashes through an iron wall and disappears from view]

[Enter GUARDS]

KRYTEN
  The Time freeze on the guards must have... If only those buttons were
more clearly marked!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]

HOLLISTER
  The rules about dinosaurs aboard JMC mining ships are very clear. No pets.
Am I right? Am I right!?

RIMMER, LISTER
  Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER
  Have you any idea the damage that thing has caused?

RIMMER, LISTER
  No, sir.

HOLLISTER
  It has eaten our entire supply - two and a half tons - of mint-choc ice
cream. I *love* mint-choc ice cream, and that damn dino has eaten every last
bit.

RIMMER
  We were just trying to get the Time Wand back, sir.

HOLLISTER
  It has also eaten four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and drank all
the Coca-Cola. Guess what?

RIMMER
  You love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola, sir?

HOLLISTER
  I love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola.

LISTER
  Sir, if you could just let us -

HOLLISTER
  And do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, and then
eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred
crates of orange ice-pops, and swills the whole thing down with two thousand
gallons of a popular fizzy drink? Do you know what happens?

LISTER
  It burps?

HOLLISTER
  Oh, it burps. And do you know what happenned to the poor brave men who had
the misfortune to get in the way of that burp?

RIMMER
  They went 'phwoooarrr!'?

HOLLISTER
  It took out the entire platoon, hurling them twenty feet across the cargo
bay wall.

RIMMER
  Sir, I hope this one, small dinosaur incident won't tarnish an otherwise
flawless service record, sir.

HOLLISTER
  Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, two and a half
tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange
ice-pops, and swills it all down with two thousand gallons of a popular
fizzy drink, *after* it's burped?

RIMMER
  It feels sick?

HOLLISTER
  Oh no! It doesn't *feel* sick, Rimmer - it *is* sick!
  Five of our best men nearly drowned! Two others are in hospital, concussed
by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.

LISTER
  We are really, deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir.

HOLLISTER
  Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo, then
eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by -

LISTER
  Oh god, it didn't?

HOLLISTER
  It didn't what, Lister?

LISTER
  It didn't get a diarrhea attack, did it?

HOLLISTER
  One hundred percent correct! And, do you know what happenned to the
battalion that was sneaking up on the beast - from behind - of which I was
a proud member? Do ya know? Do ya know what happenned?

RIMMER
  Got a fair idea, sir.

LISTER
  Yes, sir. A fair idea, sir.

HOLLISTER
  A tidal wave. Fifteen feet high. I will be in therapy for the rest of my
life. I've had twelve baths, and three showers.
  Now, do you have *anything* to say?

RIMMER
  Yes, sir, I think you missed a bit up your left nostril, sir.

[HOLLISTER picks up the Time Wand from his desk]

HOLLISTER
  No one knows how to work this thing.
  It is sedated in the cargo bay - turn it back into a sparrow!

LISTER
  Sir, erm, what about Bob? Did he show up?

HOLLISTER
  Who the hell do you think landed on my head? He is in repairs, being
oiled.
  Bring back the sparrow, and, if you try anything smart, you're dead.

RIMMER, LISTER
  Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER
  And, if I ever, ever, *ever*, see you in this office again, you are
finished. See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER
  See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER
  See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER
  See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER
  See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER
  See ya in ten minutes?


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KOCHANSKI
  Did you get punishment duty too?

KRYTEN
  I've got to iron eight-hundred prison smocks. I don't understand...

KOCHANSKI
  Ohh...

KRYTEN
  Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward?
  Eight-hundred! Bliss!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

LISTER
  Did you see the Captain's report? The one lying open on his desk? See what
it said about you?
  He used the word 'imbecile' four times in one sentence.

RIMMER
  Oh yeah? What were the other words in the sentence?

LISTER
  Just your name, and a dash.

RIMMER
  I don't know, you make a couple of tiny mistakes - you give the Captain a
virus that eats all his hair off, then you accidentally turn a sparrow into
a dinosaur and you never hear the last of it!
  Pssshhhhh. He really thinks I'm an imbecile? I'm finished, I'm never going
to make it into High Command now.

LISTER
  It's just the people who know you who think you're an imbecile. Everyone
else thinks you're a moron.

[Enter HOLLISTER]

[RIMMER, facing away from the door, does not realise. LISTER spots him, and
 begins dropping meaningful glances in the man's direction]

LISTER
  He is a good Captain, though, Captain Hollister, isn't he, eh? On the
ball. Quick.

[LISTER surreptitiously points over RIMMER's shoulder, but RIMMER isn't
 looking at him]

RIMMER
  Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar.

LISTER
  You do admire him though, don't you?

RIMMER
  Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick-and-mix factory in his
quarters? A man who has a walk-in fridge? Who lists as his hobbies 'chewing'
and 'swallowing'?

LISTER
  You did tell me once before, though, you do respect *him*, don't ya?

LISTER
  Respect him? A man who's family crest is made up of two cream buns and a
profitarole? A man who's idea of a light snack --
  He's standing behind me, isn't he?

HOLLISTER
  Yes, he is.

[RIMMER leaps to his feet and stands to attention]

RIMMER
  I was just talking about you, sir. I was saying what a big fat lump of
blubber I think you are, and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday
doesn't appear to have had any strange side-effects whatsoever -

[RIMMER suddenly appears to be seized by a spasm. His head tosses wildly
 and he makes unintelligable sounds as his lips and cheeks flap. HOLLISTER
 watches and waits, unimpressed]

HOLLISTER
  You forgot this. You left it in my office. D'you have any idea the damage
that this could cause if it got into the wrong hands?
  LOOK AFTER IT!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]

[KOCHANSKI is crouched over on her floor, staring under her bunk and poking
 a broom into the dark corners beneath]

KOCHANSKI
  You're there, I *know* you're there, you little sod!
  Come on, out! Out!

[Enter KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI
  There's a mouse under here, its been scuttling around for about ten
minutes.

KRYTEN
  It's not a mouse, ma'am, it's Archie.

KOCHANSKI
  Archie?

KRYTEN
  My penis. It must have escaped.

KOCHANSKI
  You know, I'm really going to have to get my ears syringed; do you know
what that sounded like to me?

KRYTEN
  I made one.

KOCHANSKI
  Forget my ears, maybe my whole *brain* needs syringing... You made one?

KRYTEN
  Mmm. Out of an old electron board, a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic
and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.

KOCHANSKI
  Kryten, why do you want one?

KRYTEN
  It's so humiliating, being posted to the Women's Wing just because I'm
genitally challenged! So I decided to make one like Mister Lister's.
  Little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop and made
a break for it during the night.

KOCHANSKI
  No wonder I couldn't lure him out with a bit of cheese. This whole thing's
making sense now.

KRYTEN
  Just leave this to me, ma'am.
  Here, Archie! Here, boy!

KOCHANSKI
  There he is!

[A small, gibbering critter suddenly hurls itself out and across the floor,
 tears around the room like a miniature whirlwind and shoots back under the
 bunk, where KRYTEN traps it under a bucket. Undeterred, the gibbering thing
 nudges the bucket out from under the bunk, lurches around for a moment,
 then whizzes out of the cell door and down a corridor]

KOCHANSKI
  Kryten, do you realise what this means?

KRYTEN
  No, ma'am.

KOCHANSKI
  It means you're a real man.

KRYTEN
  It does? Why?

KOCHANSKI
  Because now, like all men, you have absolutely no control over your penis.

KRYTEN
  I'm so proud!
  Archie, come back!

[Enter GUARD]

GUARD
  All right, girls? New Canary mission.

KOCHANSKI
  What?

GUARD
  Un-tamed dino on the loose!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KOCHANSKI
  We're not going in 'till we know what we're doing.

RIMMER
  That could take years...

[KOCHANSKI spots LISTER toying with the Time Wand]

KOCHANSKI
  You... point that thing at yourself and you could end up as a - a - sperm!
  Is that what you want?

CAT
  Hell no! None of my suits will fit!

KILL CRAZY
  Well, if that gizmo thing don't work, Captain says we gotta go in and 'ave
that thing.

BAXTER
  And we ain't usin' no guns.

KILL CRAZY
  Yeah, huns are for wusses. It's gonna be hand-to-hand combat.

[KILL CRAZY performs a few amateur martial arts moves]

RIMMER
  A fistfight with T-Rex..?

KILL CRAZY
  Yeah, but them T-Rexes, mate... only got little arms, in't they... ain't
got no reach...  Yeah, I'll just pick it off...
  Bosh!

[KILL CRAZY enthusiastically punches the air a few times]

BAXTER
  Can't reach anyfin' with them little arms.

RIMMER
  That's probably why they're always a bit grumpy...

[RIMMER mimes trying to reach down his body with a T-Rex's small forearms]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[The Dwarfers, with their Canary troop, scramble along a corridor]

[Suddenly, CAT pulls up short, shock and terror on his face]

CAT
  Oh my god..!

KOCHANSKI
  What!

CAT
  Something's wrong!

LISTER
  What d'you mean, man??

CAT
  Something's inside me and it wants to get out!

KOCHANSKI
  Oh my god!

CAT
  Aaaarrggg! Help!!

[Tearing his clothes open, CAT sinks to the ground and falls onto his back.
 sure enough, a strange, gibbering thing is wiggling around under CAT's
 shirt]

RIMMER
  What is it??

KRYTEN
  I think it's Archie, sir.

LISTER
  It's who?

KOCHANSKI
  He escaped earlier - probably followed us. Must have dozed off in the
Cat's pocket and just woken up.

LISTER
  Who the smeg is Archie?

KRYTEN
  Oh, don't be alarmed, sir. It's just my penis is on the loose.


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KILL CRAZY, BAXTER
  Yaaarrrggg!!

[The crazed pair leap out from the wall of the corridor, separating RIMMER
 and LISTER from the others, and squaring off with them]

BAXTER
  We, want a barny with Barney - don't want any sane people spoilin' it...

KILL CRAZY
  Death... or glory... yee-harr!

LISTER
  Hang on guys, come on, wait a minute...

[BAXTER grabs the TIme Wand from Lister, and grunts ineffectually as he
 stabs buttons stupidly on its control panel. Sparks and spurts of blue
 electrical light splash over RIMMER and LISTER, apparently without effect]

BAXTER
  This thing's useless!

[BAXTER tosses the Time Wand over his shoulder. BAXTER grabs LISTER's face
 and pulls him close to his own. KILL CRAZY similarly grabs RIMMER]

BAXTER
  Say goodbye to your teeth...

[BAXTER draws his fist back and punches LISTER solidly in the mouth, but
 then grabs his hand, wincing in pain as LISTER doesn't move. He punches
 again, with as little effect as his first]

LISTER
  Something's not right... we're gettin' our butts kicked and it doesn't
hurt..?

[BAXTER lands a third punch on LISTER's mouth, still with no effect]

LISTER
  See, look, I'm not even bleeding.

[KILL CRAZY tries his luck, landing a fist first in RIMMER's gut, then
 across his mouth. RIMMER looks at him disdainfully]

RIMMER
  You're right...

[BAXTER tries a change of tactics, grabs LISTER by his lapels and tries
 pushing him backwards. After a few seconds gasping, he gives up. KILL CRAZY
 tries the same on RIMMER, also to no avail. Simultaneously, the two psychos
 land a stomach punch then a cross to the jaws of LISTER and RIMMER, then
 stare incredulously as the pair grin back at them]

[KRYTEN is checking the Time Wand's control panel]

KRYTEN
  According to this, sirs, they've put your bodies on a different Time
stream to the rest of you.

BAXTER
  Let's go!

[KILL CRAZY and BAXTER turn and sprint away, passing KRYTEN and snatching
 the Time Wand from his hands as they pass. Several other Canaries follow
 them]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. -

Season 8, Episode 6. Pete Part 1

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                           RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                         EPISODE 6 -- PETE, part 1
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                               Version 0.4
                              26 March, 1999
                         Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
                         http://www.matrixcity.org

 Credits for corrections:
   Brett Dunbar


[-- 1 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]

[-- 2 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]

[-- 3 - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------x:xx--]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, GOVENOR ACKERMAN present]

[ENTER LISTER, RIMMER]

HOLLISTER
  I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much respected
officer yesterday.

RIMMER
  That is just not true, sir. We played a prank on Mister Ackerman, sir -
  Oh, I *see*...

HOLLISTER
  What happenned?

LISTER
  We inserted a capsule of the truth serum, sodium pentathol, into his
asthma inhaler, sir.

HOLLISTER
  Ah, which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologised for
being late, saying he'd been having 'jiggy-jiggy' with the Science Officer's
wife, and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit...

RIMMER
  Permission to snigger, sir?

HOLLISTER
  Permission refused.

RIMMER
  May have to snigger anyway, sir...

[The pair bow their heads and proceed to do just that]

HOLLISTER
  Do either of you have anything to say?

LISTER
  About what, sir?

HOLLISTER
  About Mister Ackerman! About him being late, and wearing a Batman outfit?

LISTER
  Has he considered being Tarzan? Costume change'd be much quicker.

HOLLISTER
  You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig. Do you *want* to
get out? Ever?

LISTER
  It's that Mister Ackerman's so... ... *horrible*, sir.

ACKERMAN
  I am *not*, sir! I'm extremely nice! Lovely, in fact. Warm; caring, but
most of all, nice. Hence my nickname: 'Nicey' Ackerman. That's why I entered
the service, sir; so I could share my sunny disposition with *inmate scum*
who didn't have my start in life.

RIMMER
  Sir, he's been horrible since the day we first met him:


[-- 4 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Flashback to the Dwarfer's first day in the Tank. The inmates are lined
 up at the base of a circular chamber]

ACKERMAN
  Today, we have a new intake. To them, I say: obey the rules; keep out of
trouble, and you time here will pass much more pleasantly. Welcome to Floor
13.

CAT
  Seems like a nice guy!

[ACKERMAN steps up to CAT, suddenly elbows him in the stomach, thumps him
 several times with his nightstick, then hauls him to his to his feet]

ACKERMAN
  If you want to speak, ask my permission.

CAT
  I was just saying how nice you seemed!

ACKERMAN
  You spoke again.

[Enter WARDEN KNOT]

[ACKERMAN and KNOT proceed to beat CAT with fists and nightsticks, drawing
 winces from RIMMER and LISTER. ACKERMAN draws CAT upright again]

CAT
  But I was paying you a compliment, buddy! I was saying how you seemed to
be a fair-minded, okay kind of guy; not one of these psycho-types you
sometimes get running around prisons.

[ACKERMAN seems concerned that somehow he is being misunderstood, but this
 soon passes in favour of an amused smile]

ACKERMAN
  You spoke again!

[He and KNOT lay into the clueless feline once more. A guard from the rear
 of the lines joins in. CAT struggles to reach up and tap LISTER on the
 shoulder]

CAT
  Come on, dude, back me up!

[LISTER does his best to ignore events, and left to his own devices, CAT
 suddenly realises something]

CAT
  Hang on, wait! I get it, I should shut up! If I shut up they'll stop
hitting me.

[CAT takes a deep breath and exaggeratedly clamps his mouth shut. Instantly
 his assailants stop their blows. ACKERMAN nods approvingly, sets CAT back
 onto his feet and stands him back in line. CAT smiles with satisfaction at
 working out this conundrum]

CAT
  That is definitely the key!

[CAT is grabbed from behind by ACKERMAN, KNOT and the guard, and a second
 GUARD steps in to assist in the renewed pummeling]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[HOLLISTER, ACKERMAN, RIMMER, LISTER present]

ACKERMAN
  That is totally untrue, sir!

HOLLISTER
  Save it.

ACKERMAN
  What actually happenned -

HOLLISTER
  Save it! Save it, Mister Ackerman.
  I've thought long and hard about a suitable punishment, and I've come up
with this: you, and a team of your choice, will play Basketball against a
team of guards led by Mister Ackerman -

ACKERMAN
  God bless you, sir.

HOLLISTER
  - where you will be trounced and humiliated in front of the entire inmate
population.

RIMMER
  But sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp!

HOLLISTER
  You better win, then!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]


[Lister's team losing badly, guards body-checking and punching them]
[Half-time sounds]
[Score 48-3 to guards]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLISTER
  Okay guys, way to go!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KRYTEN
  Where were you?

KOCHANSKI
  Where was I?

KRYTEN
  You were supposed to be picking up Rice!

KOCHANSKI
  I did. We're meeting up for drinks on Thursday.

KRYTEN
  Not that kind of 'picking up', you ninny.

CAT
  Buddies, we've gotta stop arguing, we can't lose this!

LISTER
  Got it all taken care of...

RIMMER
  As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice...

LISTER
  Yeah, the Skutters managed to smuggles something out of the medi-lab for
us, y'know that stuff that helps impotent guys put the zest back in their
love lives?

KRYTEN
  'Boing!', the virility enhancement drug!?

LISTER
  That's the stuff, and we've Mickey Finn'd their drinks.

RIMMER
  Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation, and, it doesn't
wear off for seven hours.

KRYTEN
  For seven hours those guys are going to be like catapults!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KRYTEN [OOS]
  That's going to seriously slow them down.

CAT [OOS]
  You're not kidding -

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

CAT
  Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLISTER
  Get out there and kill! They're lambs to the slaughter!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLISTER
  Go on, go get 'em!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Dwarfer's team running rings round guards, who can't stand straight or move
 fast]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLISTER
  Come on! Get your hands up!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[48-5]
[48-19]
[48-36]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

HOLLISTER
  Get your hands up, don't let them shoot! Don't let them shoot!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[48-42]
[48-49]
[48-53]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[Thoroughly depressed, HOLLISTER takes a long draw from a guard's bottle of
 juice, and within seconds notices a distinct feeling of movement in his
 trousers]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[Enter RIMMER, LISTER]

HOLLISTER
  Seven hours. Do you know how *long* that is? I couldn't remove my shorts
until after midnight! When I wanted a leak I had to do a handstand on the
toilet seat. I stopped the lift doors from closing; I wasn't even catching a
lift!
  Where'd you get it, the medi-lab?

LISTER
  Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER
  How? If it was one of those damn Skutters I'm gonna have it crushed.

LISTER
  It was, er - [coughs]
  It was me, sir. When the doc's back was turned. I went up to the medi-lab
for a sicknote but the doctor thought I was feigning illness. He didn't
accept it was possible to have Athelete's Hand.

HOLLISTER
  First thing tomorrow you're on spud-duty for two weeks. Now get out of my
sight, both of ya's...


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

[RIMMER has a draughts board in front of him on the table; he makes a three-
 hop move, removes the captured pieces and glances over toward LISTER]

RIMMER
  Ha!

[RIMMER carefully rotates the board 108-degrees, and flexes his arms before
 settling down to contemplate his opposing move. LISTER is sprawled out on
 his bunk, a pen hovering over the book he is looking at]

LISTER
  Sheesh...

RIMMER
  Stuck?

LISTER
  Yeah... God, this is hard!

RIMMER
  What are you doing, a crossword?

LISTER
  No, join-the-dots.

RIMMER
  What number are you stuck on?

LISTER
  Hundred and twenty-four.

RIMMER
  Hundred and twenty-four... hundred and twenty-four...
  Have you tried a-hundred and twenty-five?

LISTER
  I know the number, you gimboid, it's finding it that's the hard bit. I'm
not some brain-dead simpleton.
  Ah! There it is.
  Oh, look at that! It's a bucket and spade!

[LISTER holds the completed picture up for RIMMER's inspection]

LISTER
  Look at that, it's clever that, innit?

[Enter GUARD]

RIMMER
  Ah! Supper!

[Exit GUARD]

RIMMER
  Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure.

RIMMER
  I've seen things more appetising on the floor of elephant houses. Only a
total idiot would eat this.

[RIMMER ponders for a moment, then takes a forkful]

RIMMER
  They call this meat?? My grandmothers buttocks deep-fried in chip fat
would taste better than this.

LISTER
  We're on a punishment menu now. No chips, no ice-cream, just the basics.

RIMMER
  Because we're on punishment detail?

LISTER
  Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons they give us the cloning experiments that have
gone wrong, with some gravy slopped over to disguise it.

RIMMER
  You waited until I was swallowing 'til you said that, didn't you.

LISTER
  He swears blind the other day he got something with two noses in it.

RIMMER
  Course he didn't. They can't do that, it's illegal.

LISTER
  His starter sneezed! Jimbo Steele was a witness.

RIMMER
  Kill Crazy's insane, he's got lots of strange ideas. He reckons, every
time they flush a loo on a plane it drops straight out, and that's why they
don't let you go to the lav when the plane's standing on the runway: for
fear of skid starts.

[LISTER thinks about this, and shrugs]

LISTER
  He's probably right.

RIMMER
  Course he isn't.

LISTER
  Well why else wouldn't they let you go, then?

RIMMER
  I don't know. Maybe they're helping you break up your journey. If they let
you go to the loo first off, you'd have nothing to do after you'd eaten your
cheese.

LISTER
  Nah, Kill Crazy's probably right. That's why houses under the flightpath
are always so cheap.

RIMMER
  Cos of all the flushing planes?

LISTER
  Yeah, well, think about it: you can't sunbathe, you can't hav

Season 8 Episode 5, Krytie TV.

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                           RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                          EPISODE 5 -- KRYTIE TV
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                               Version 0.4
                            19-22 March, 1999
                        Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
                        http://www.matrixcity.org


[-- 1 - Int. The Tank, womens wing ----------------------------------x:xx--]

[GUARD present]

[Several female prisoners troup along a corridor and proceed into the
 women's wing.

[Enter KRYTEN]

[KRYTEN brings up the rear, and pauses by the large sign that proclaims the
 nature of their location. He glances around, obviously reluctant to enter,
 but eventually does so under the stony stare of the female guard]

[Exit KRYTEN]


[-- 2 - Int. The Tank, womens wing, gymnasium -----------------------x:xx--]

[A group of female prisoners dressed in grey t-shirts and skirts are
 skipping, more or less in unison. KRYTEN is also a part of the group,
 dressed in similar clothes, and is scowling unhappily]


[-- 3 - Int. KOCHANSKI's cell ---------------------------------------x:xx--]



[-- 4 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]

[KRYTEN stands sulkily in the showers with the girls, holding an umbrella
 and trying to read a book]


[-- 5 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

Inside the Tank.


[-- 6 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[RIMMER present]

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER
  The post's arrived.

RIMMER
  Brilliant; a bit of excitement at last.

LISTER
  Good, eh? It's a beaut. One of the structured collepsed on m' bed. I think
it was those beans.
  Oh, the mail.
  Haven't had a chance to look. Anything from my mates?

RIMMER
  Don't think so - there's nothing here in orange crayon with half the
letters backwards.

LISTER
  Anything for you?

RIMMER
  Just the usual. A couple of death threats... and I'm in the Reader's
Digest Lucky Dip. Apparently I'm 'one of the special few selected for their
Lucky Dip' -

LISTER
  That'll be you and the other twelve zillion people then, will it?

RIMMER
  - I've won either a holiday in Mauritious[sp], a soft-top sports car, or a
fabulous matching set of egg-cups.
  "Scrape with a coin to discover which."
  I've won the holiday!

LISTER
  What?

RIMMER
  Three million years into Deep Space, where I can't claim it, and I go
and win a smegging holiday in Mauritious!
  Oh, they're taking the smeg...

LISTER
  What now?

RIMMER
  I've won the lottery as well.
  "To collect your cheque simply bring your winning ticket to Lottery House,
24 Argyle Street." Four million!
  No luck, that's my problem. No luck at all.

LISTER
  It's just a wind up from the guards, to sap our morale.

RIMMER
  Here's one for you.

LISTER
  Who from?

RIMMER
  Petersen.
  My God, that is tragic.

LISTER
  What's happenned to him, has he died?

RIMMER
  Died? You think he'd write and tell you?

LISTER
  No, you're right, you're right, you're right. I'm not thinking
straight. He'd be too busy with his funeral and everything, wouldn't he.
  What's happenned to him?

RIMMER
  Something catastophic, hideous.
  He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here.

LISTER
  Brilliant!
  Are you okay?

RIMMER
  Of course I'm not okay! I hate your guitar! If I wanted to share a cell
with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap
star.

LISTER
  I didn't realise you thought I was that bad..?

RIMMER
  Didn't you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you?

LISTER
  You would have stood a better chance if you'd used the neck-end...
  Anyway, you were revising; you always get a bit uptight when you're
revising.
  Hey come on, come on, what about the Om Song? That was a classic!
  /"Ommmmm - Ommmmm"/

RIMMER
  People who heard that formed self-help groups.

LISTER
  Don't give me that, they played my demo on hospital radio.

RIMMER
  Yes, and three patients came out of comas, packed their bags and went home.

[Enter GUARD]

[The GUARD carries a black electric guitar, which he hands to LISTER]

[Exit GUARD]

LISTER
  Hey-hey! The axe-man is *back*! You beaut!
  Hang on! There's no strings! They've confiscated the strings!

RIMMER
  I feel like a man who leaps out of a plane with no parachute and lands in
the hot-tub at the Playboy mansion.

LISTER
  Why would they take my strings..? It doesn't make sense...

RIMMER
  Prison regs. You're not allowed anything you can hang yourself with.

LISTER
  I wouldn't want to hang myself if I had my guitar strings.

RIMMER
  I think they were thinking of me.
  Maybe my luck's changing... at last, a break.

[Enter GUARD]

GUARD
  Oh, by the way; I forgot: for you.

[The GUARD hands an envelope to LISTER]

[Exit GUARD]

LISTER
  "Because of the nature of your crime", blah - blah - blah - blah - blah,
whr - wh - wh - wh - wh, "we are willing to review your case"! "For this
process to be successful you would need a record of good behaviour, and
accept the consequence that a successful appeal would mean similar amnesty
for prisoner colleagues in your situation."

RIMMER
  Yess!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, KILL CRAZY, several other Canaries
 present]

[HOLLY present, on a wall monitor]

KOCHANSKI
  Well, thanks to Kill Crazy, that was the least enjoyable suicide mission
I've ever been on.

KILL CRAZY
  I was standing there, right, and right in fron of me was this weird sort
of mutant thing, with, like, two heads and all these tenticles. Yeah; it
took one look at me and then ran off! Why d'you think it done that?

KRYTEN
  You don't know what it's like, being classified as a woman, sir. The
humiliation.

LISTER
  I know, I know.

KRYTEN
  I mean, why should I - a Series 4000 mechanoid - have to endure the turgid
monotony of showering with the girls? Three times a week! Tell me that!

LISTER
  It's not fair, I know! It's just that -
  You shower with the girls?

KRYTEN
  Oh! It's so hideously dull I can't describe it, as they stand around
soaping themselves. Their bodies all wet and foamy.
  Can you imagine it?
  Oh my goodness, we've been frozen in time again!
  Hello?
  Extraordinary! It must be a warp in the time-space continuum! How curious
it isn't affecting me...

RIMMER
  We're not frozen in time, Krytie - we were just thinking about what you
were saying...

HOLLY
  It's time like this that make me thankful I'm just a head.

KILL CRAZY
  Oi, droid-boy, oi; next time you're in the showers, why don't you -
y'know - smuggle in a camera and film 'em, eh? Yeah, that'd be brilliant!
  Oi, I haven't seeen a naked woman since... well, ever.
  Yeah, I'd pay you... wha'd'ya say?

RIMMER
  No, I forbid it!

LISTER
  Yeah, me -
  What?

RIMMER
  It's voyeuristic, exploitative, and immature.

HOLLY
  All right, who are you? And what have you done with *our* Rimmer?

RIMMER
  Gentlemen, allow me to clairify my position. Morally speaking, using a
hidden camera in the women's showers, taking shots of them sudding
themselves with mounds of foam, without their permission, morally speaking -
I'm speaking morally, here - I'm all in favour! However, Listy has been
invited to appeal and a scam like this could ruin it.

CAT
  Appeal?

LISTER
  Yeah, I'm appealing.

HOLLY
  That's a minority view.

RIMMER
  Look, if he's successful, we can all be successful. We've just got to be
model prisoners.

KILL CRAZY
  Screw his appeal! I wanna see skin!

CAT
  Yeah! Wha'd'ya say, bird-tray head?

KRYTEN
  Are you asking me to betray the people I live with? To ignore their
humanity and reduce them to mindless sex objects, merely there for your
moronic titilation?

CAT
  Yes, please!

KRYTEN
  If you'll excuse me, I forgot who I was for a moment.

KILL CRAZY
  Wait, what you doing?

KRYTEN
  I'm a woman, and proud of it. If you'll excuse me, I'll with my fellow
sisters, doing it for ourselves!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[All Canaries, GOVENOR ACKERMAN, guards, wardens present]

GOVENOR ACKERMAN
  I'm going to make this quick, and easy.
  Last night, on D-wing, I was beaten up, and mugged.
  You have one chance. I'm going to turn the lights off for precisely ten
seconds, during which I want whoever took it ... to return my glass eye.

[He places a bucket on the ground in front of the Canaries]

GOVENOR ACKERMAN
  Kill the lights.

[The chamber goes dark]

GOVENOR ACKERMAN
  Ten, nine, eight, seven, six -

[The sound of an object dropped into the bucket is heard, and the lights
 snap on. No one appears to have moved]

GOVENOR ACKERMAN
  I'm glad to see good sense prevailed.

[The GOVENOR reaches into the bucket and takes out a pair of false teeth]

GOVENOR ACKERMAN
  I have a date with Miss Patricia Carling from Supplies on Saturday night.
She thinks my eyes are my best feature. If I go like this, I'M ONLY HALF
LOVELY!
  If it's not returned within thirty seconds; all Canary priviliges
suspended. One month.

RIMMER
  I know who stole your left peeper, sir.
  It was him, sir.

[RIMMER points at a prisoner standing off to his right]

RIMMER
  I saw him playing marbles with it this morning, sir.

[The man RIMMER indicated takes a swing at him, which RIMMER ducks. The man
 is siezed by guards and dragged away]

GOVENOR ACKERMAN
  Thank you, Rimmer.

[Exit GOVENOR, guards, wardens]

KOCHANSKI
  Have you gone mad? You don't rat on other inmates, its an unwritten law.

RIMMER
  Look if it helps the appeal, what else matters? 'Model prisoners'?

[RIMMER has just enough time to finish his sentence before being pounced on
 by the other prisoners. The sounds of thumps and kicks issue, and the
 picture, much like RIMMER's consciousness, fades away]



[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[As KRYTEN waddles along a walkway, someone drops a crumpled-up piece of
 paper]

KRYTEN
  Would the sky really fall in if people just tidied up a little?

[As KRYTEN drops the rubbish into a disposal chute and turns away, and arm
 reaches out of a maintenance hatch and bounces a spanner off his his head
 with a clang that resounds convincingly. KRYTEN drops to the gound and is
 dragged away by persons unknown]


[-- xx - Int. Tank rec. room ----------------------------------------x:xx--]

[A trailer runs for an old, black-and-white sci-fi flick]

[LISTER, RIMMER, CAT, many other prisoners present]

LISTER
  Looks like another pearl, eh?

CAT
  Why do they always show us these lousy B-movies?

RIMMER
  To sap our morale. Next week its the Gearge Formbey season.
  "Get your hanging rope now, while there's still some left - heh-hey!"

[Suddenly the film cuts off and is replaced by a rough, amateur looking shot
 of KRYTEN]

KRYTEN
  Good evening. Tonight's scheduled feature has been cancelled, and replaced
with a special, live, pay-per-view event brought to you courtesy of "Krytie
TV"! Transmitting live via my optical receptors, we bring you live, and
lithe, Womens Shower Night!

CAT
  Are they really gonna show this? No way! This is a joke, right? This isn't-
  Oh, momma...

LISTER
  You know what this means, don't you?

CAT
  There is a God?

LISTER
  They got to him, they reprogrammed Kryten.

[Overhearing, KILL CRAZY turns to look at LISTER and grins broadly]

RIMMER
  If we get caught watching this your appeal's dead in the water.

LISTER
  Forget the appeal.

CAT
  I already have!

LISTER
  What about Kris? She's never gonna believe I wasn't involved in this!
  We've gotta stop it.

RIMMER
  You're right, I want no part of this.

LISTER
  Me neither.

RIMMER
  We've gotta go.

LISTER
  Right now.

RIMMER
  Not a minute to lose.

LISTER
  I'm dust.

RIMMER
  Me too.
  After two. One, two, go!

KRYTEN
  And now, I'm gonna stare at a cracked floor tile.

KILL CRAZY
  What's he doing that for!?

KRYTEN
  Remember, Shower Night is a pay-per-view event. Start filling those
buckets!

RIMMER
  I can't believe this, he's running it like a business! There's even a
bloke over there selling ice-creams.

LISTER
  Never mind him. Now. We've gotta go, right now.

RIMMER
  I'm going, I'm going.

KRYTEN
  But now, lets get up-close and personal with one of the shower-ees, Miss
Kristine Kochanski...

RIMMER
  Fancy a choc-ice?


[-- xx - Int. Kryten's cell -----------------------------------------x:xx--]

[KRYTEN present]

[Enter GUARD, LISTER]

KRYTEN
  Okay; splendid. Later.

GUARD
  Mister Kryten; visitor, sir.

[Exit GUARD]

LISTER
  Kryten. Look, I know Kill-Crazy's reprogrammed you; turned you into a
ruthless entrepreneur, but I think I know how to change you back.

KRYTEN
  Well, keep it to yourself, sir. I'll make it worth your while...

LISTER
  Can't you see what it's done to you?

KRYTEN
  It's made me rich, feared and respected. I'm loving every minute of it!
I've just bought the rights to the five-a-side soccer tournament today;
tomorrow, I'm hoping to get the boxing.

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

  Ahhhh, Miss Kochanski! Good to have you back, I have a little gift for
you...

KOCHANSKI
  Ooh, another one?

KRYTEN
  You know you were worried about picking up verrucas in the shower room?
Well, I have the perfect solution; a waterproof pogo stick.

LISTER
  This has got to stop.

KRYTEN
  But the pogo stick could put the ratings through the roof, sir! Think of
the money!  Think of the show!

LISTER
  I'm crazy about her! I'm not gonna let you do this.

KOCHANSKI
  Do what?

LISTER
  How do you think Kryten got all this?

[He hands her a flyer for KRYTEN's ratings-winner]

KOCHANSKI
  "Shower Night Live". Oh God, is he paying some of the girls to do this?

[KOCHANSKI grins as she scans the flyer]

LISTER
  Who's that with the sponge?

[The grin disappears to be replaces with a look, first of horror, then
 anger]

KOCHANSKI
  That's me!

LISTER
  It replaced the Wednesday night movie. I saw the whole thing; all three
terrible hours of it. It was awful.

KRYTEN
  Is that the time? I've got a merchandising meeting in two minutes. Heh,
excuse me!

[Exit KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI
  You are dead, nickel-hydrate breath!
  And you!

LISTER
  What have I done?

KOCHANSKI
  You were there for three hours of it!

LISTER
  Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it! I was outraged. Why do you think I only had
one choc-ice?

KOCHANSKI
  How could you go along with this?

LISTER
  I'm only human. You were completely naked, starkers, nude, in the buff,
totally kit-less, no clothes on!

KOCHANSKI
  You've seen me with no clothes on when we went out!

LISTER
  Yeah, but, I wanted to see if anything had changed.

KOCHANSKI
  Why didn't you just ask, instead of filming me in secret?

LISTER
  Because you'll have said 'no'.

KOCHANSKI
  Not necessarily. If I'd known it meant that much to you, that you needed
to see me naked so badly, I wouldn't necessarily have said 'no'.

LISTER
  You wouldn't?

KOCHANSKI
  No. Well, we're friends aren't we?

LISTER
  It never occured to me that I could just ask. Oh, you're such a great
friend. I love being your friend.
  Kris..?

KOCHANSKI
  No! Not now, and now, not ever!

LISTER
  But you just said -

KOCHANSKI
  We're not friends any more...

[Exit KOCHANSKI]


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[LISTER present]

[LISTER is sat by himself at the table in the centre of the cell. Two small
 bags of flour are in front of him together with some writing paper, and he
 chews thoughtfully on a pen]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER
  Appeal applications, Listy. Character testimonials.
  What's this?

LISTER
  Kris found out about the shower thing; she went ballistic. It's just
a little present to say 'sorry'.

RIMMER
  A bag of flour?

LISTER
  No, two bags.
  I'm in the Tank, in the middle of Deep Space. I can't just get on the
blower to Interflora, you know!
  Flour - Flours!
  It's the closest I could get.

RIMMER
  You romantic fool.

LISTER
  You know how hard it is getting this stuff? I had to nick this from the
bakery. She'll appreciate that.

RIMMER
  I can just see her reading the card:
  "Dear Kris, I'm really sorry for ogling you and the girls in the shower
yesterday for three gob-smacking hours of steamy fun. To make up for it, and
to indicate how truly sorry I am, here's two bags of self-raising. Something
I didn't need any help with yesterday."

LISTER
  It's easy for you, you're not crazy about her. It's re- it's really
dibilitating, being nuts about someone. You lose twenty I.Q. points every
time you talk to them.

RIMMER
  You must be nuts about a fair few people, then, are you?

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN
  The girls found out about Shower Night. They attacked me, cleaned out my
system and kicked me out. I've been reclassified as a man...


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[KRYTEN, LISTER present]

KRYTEN
  I feel terrible, sir, for endangering your appeal.

LISTER
  It's not your fault, Kryten, they got to you.

KRYTEN
  I presume you've heard the news about Miss Kochanski.

LISTER
  What news?

KRYTEN
  You haven't heard?

LISTER
  Heard what?

KRYTEN
  The news.

LISTER
  What news?

KRYTEN
  You haven't heard the news?

LISTER
  Heard what news??

KRYTEN
  No one's told you?

LISTER
  Told me what?

KRYTEN
  About Miss Kochanski?

LISTER
  What about Miss Kochanski?

KRYTEN
  About Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim.

LISTER
  What about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim??

KRYTEN
  I can't believe you don't know!

LISTER
  Know what??

KRYTEN
  No one told you??

LISTER
  Told me what!?

KRYTEN
  You mean to say that you're standing there blissfully unaware of the news
about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim?

LISTER
  What news about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim!?

KRYTEN
  I don't believe it.

LISTER
  Believe what!?

KRYTEN
  Psh, tsk - I'm so traumatised no one's had the guts to tell you the
horrible, terrible, terrible, appallingly hideous, awful news!
  I'm not sure I can even speak now.

LISTER
  Kryten, there's a two hundred foot drop down there; now tell me the news.

KRYTEN
  Well, she's started going out with Tim again. He's taking her to the
Officer's Club tonight. Her probation permits it, providing she's back by
ten.

LISTER
  Ohhh. This is all down to that shower thing, isn't it?

KRYTEN
  You know what Tim's like, sir. Impossibly handsome, oozes charm, a great
lover. And you're just... you.
  It's so unfair!
  You must feel awful.

LISTER
  Well I do now! God!

KRYTEN
  You're taking this very well, sir. I - I'm really impressed.

LISTER
  No I'm not, man, I'm falling apart.

KRYTEN
  I know that, but I was just trying to cheer you up!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[RIMMER present]

[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]

LISTER
  What can I do?

HOLLY
  You've gotta deal with your grief, man. Breakup is very much like a
bereavement: its usually followed by a cremation and some sandwiches.

LISTER
  You haven't got a clue what you're on about, have you?

HOLLY
  Mark my words: time is a great healer. Unless you've got a rash, in which
case you're better off with ointment.

LISTER
  Look, they haven't seen each other for ages; they're only going out for a
meal. What's the worst thing that could happen?

RIMMER
  How's this, Listy: a little wine, a little laughter, then its back to his
place for coffee and a game of chess. Before you know it, she's sandwiched
between two bishops and her queen's exposed to an attack from the rear.

KRYTEN
  It's a tragedy.

LISTER
  What are you so bothered about? I thought you hated the idea of me and her
getting it together?

KRYTEN
  That was the old me, sir. I've grown and matured since then. No, the new
me wants you to have children so I can iron those itty-bitty little socks!
  And you're not getting any younger, sir, and neither are your sperms. I'm
getting worried about those guys. Any older older and they'll need a
Stanner<sp> stairlift to get up the fallopian tubes!

LISTER
  So what do you propose?

KRYTEN
  We nail that horny stag and get you and the divine Miss K together. It's
my way of saying 'sorry'.

RIMMER
  But nothing that's going to endanger the appeal...

KRYTEN
  First, we sabotage the date.

LISTER
  What, 'we'? You mean you're gonna help me?

  Step on board the 'love express', sir!
  Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the
guards. Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire
universe: this is what you leave in his quarters -
  - a half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer.

LISTER
  Is it? I like those.

KRYTEN
  Then there's this: "Morris Dancer Monthly". What a total dweebo,
nerdmeister he'll look with those!

RIMMER
  They're mine!

KRYTEN
  And then there's these: tragically unfashionable underpants.

RIMMER
  *They're* mine!

KRYTEN
  And finally: Christian rock music. It that doesn't scare her off, nothing
will.

RIMMER
  Have you been going through my things?

KRYTEN
  And not forgetting...

LISTER
  A pair of scissors?

KRYTEN
  This is the piece de resistence...


[-- xx - Int. An officers quarters ----------------------------------x:xx--]

  [scatters mags on table and sofa]

  [bites sandwich then throws it under cushion]

  [puts poster of a chimp sitting on a toilet on wall]

LISTER
  "Frank Acissi and the Apostles" - "Hyms in Rock" -

  [Kum Bayah from CD player]

  [posing male statue with chain]

LISTER
  Some digestive biscuit...

  [lobster over lamp]

  [scissors, unzips, cuts pubic hair, sprinkles on bed and on soap]

  [underpants laid on bed]

  [VD clinic appointment card on pillow]

LISTER
  The love assassin...


[-- xx - Int. Corridor outside officer's quarters -------------------x:xx--]

[KRYTEN present]

KRYTEN
  What Mister Lister doesn't know, of course, is he's been set up by Krytie
TV!

[The door behid KRYTEN slides open with a hiss]

[Enter LISTER]

KRYTEN
  Shh! Here he comes now!
  Mister Lister!

LISTER
  Kryten, is that you?

KRYTEN
  You trashed that room because you believed Miss Kochanski was dating Tim,
didn't you?

LISTER
  What, you mean she isn't?

KRYTEN
  Look who's quarters you really trashed...

[KRYTEN taps a rapid-fire code into the pad on the wall and the door slides
 shut. On it is written "MR. ACKERMAN"]

LISTER
  You said the girls had restored you back to normal!

KRYTEN
  Whoops! You've been Krytered!

LISTER
  I've wrecked Ackerman's quarters!!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

RIMMER
  THE APPEAL!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[LISTER, KRYTEN present]

KRYTEN
  But the surprises haven't finished yet, here on Krytie TV, because Mister
Ackerman and his red hot date are due back any second. It's a race against
time! Sir, start cleaning that room!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[RIMMER present]

RIMMER
  Sorry to keep droning on about this, but what about - THE APPEAL!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[LISTER present]

LISTER
  Smeg!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

RIMMER
  Oh smeg..!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[RIMMER and LISTER swarm through ACKERMAN's quarters, undoing the mess that
 LISTER created]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KRYTEN
  Thanks for watching, folks; see you next time!

RIMMER
  There he is!

LISTER
  Kryten, come here a minute...

KRYTEN
  I was just trying to boost the ratings, sir!

LISTER
  Get him, and bring him back to the Tank!

KRYTEN
  It was nothing personal!


[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[RIMMER present]

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER
  The appeal.
  Oooohhhhh... YES!

RIMMER
  "Dear Mister Lister, your appeal has been successful"!
  "From this day forth all inmates with no record of violence or depression
will be allowed... to have strings on their guitars"...
  This appeal was all about guitar strings?

LISTER
  You didn't think it was about getting out of here, did you?

RIMMER
  You mean to say I've been busting my balls so you can have strings on your
lousy, stinking guitar??

LISTER
  You've been a brick, man. And as a personal 'thank you', I thought I'd
write you a song...


[--------------------------- END OF "KRYTIE TV" --------------------xx:xx--]

Season 8 Episode 4, Cassandra

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                           RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                          EPISODE 4 -- CASSANDRA
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
                               Version 1.0
                           16 - 31 March, 1999
                        Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
                        http://www.matrixcity.org


[-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--]

[Red Dwarf cruises through Deep Space]


[-- 2 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:06--]

[Inside the Tank. Slow zoom towards a huge, segmented, cylindrical tower
 that houses blocks of cells]


[-- 3 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:10--]

[Enter LISTER]

[Checking behind him for the presence of guards, LISTER calls up HOLLY's
 image on the cell's viewscreen then sits down at the cell's table]

[Enter HOLLY]

LISTER
  Have you figured a way to get us out of here yet, Holl?

HOLLY
  I have, actually, Dave. I've devoted all my runtime to looking for a
loophole in the prison regs, and I think I've come up with something that
means that you can serve your entire two year sentence in just fourteen
weeks.

LISTER
  Oh brilliant, what've I got to do?


[-- 4 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:31--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
  Become a dog.


[-- 5 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:33--]

[LISTER present]

LISTER
  A dog?


[-- 6 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:40--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
  According to my data banks, dog years are seven times shorter than human
years.


[-- 7 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:45--]

[LISTER present]

[LISTER listens with admirable patience]


[-- 8 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:46--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
 As a plan you can't fault it on it's mathematics.


[-- 9 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:49--]

[LISTER present]

LISTER
  No, but maybe you can fault it on the fact that I'm not a dog!


[-- 10 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------0:52--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
  Yeah, but according to a twentieth century newspaper called the National
Enquirer, the operation's quite straightforward.


[-- 11 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------0:59--]

[LISTER present]

[LISTER can't help but listen as HOLLY rambles on]


[-- 12 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:01--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
 A 'Roverostomy' they call it.


[-- 13 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:04--]

[LISTER present]

[His head resting in one hand now, LISTER shakes his head sadly]


[-- 14 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:05--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
 There's a photograph here of a bloke who had it done.


[-- 15 - Still photograph -------------------------------------------1:09--]

[A magazine page appears. On it is a full page picture of a large, white
 dog, and across the top of the page is a huge banner that reads
 "Exclusive". In smaller text towards the bottom of the page is the lead-in:
 "Man Becomes Dog", and the line: "Fetching pictures and full story on
 page 8" is under that]


[-- 16 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:12--]

[LISTER present]

LISTER
  That's a dog!


[-- 17 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:14--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
  See how convincing it is? Even you're fooled!


[-- 18 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:19--]

[LISTER present]

LISTER
  "Become a dog"? That is, without doubt, the stupidest, crappyest, most
pathetic plan you've come up with all week.


[-- 19 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:25--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
  Give me a chance - it's only Monday.


[-- 20 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:29--]

[LISTER present]

[LISTER presses his watch stud in exasperation and HOLLY's image dissolves]

[Exit HOLLY]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER drops a hardhat on his bunk and stands with his hands on his hips,
 morosely]

RIMMER
  What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends, I had everything and
I threw it all away. It's a tragedy.

LISTER
  What are you on about? You had none of that stuff.

RIMMER
  You're right, I had none of that stuff. I had absolutely nothing and I
threw it all away. It's an even bigger tragedy!

LISTER
  Look, we're only gonna get through this by being positive, by being...
what's that word women tennis players always used to reckon was so
important..? Begins with 'C'...

RIMMER
  'Cunnilingus'?

LISTER
  'Centred'. By being centred. Focussed. It's only two years; what, with
good behaviour it'll probably only be eighteen months. Remember when you
were first born, then you were eighteen months? The time just flashed past!

RIMMER
  It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck
and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging.

[Enter GUARD]

[The GUARD is carrying a metal briefcase, which he places on the table in
 front of LISTER]

LISTER
  What's this?

GUARD
  Canary outfits and first meeting information.

[Exit GUARD]

LISTER
  I volunteered for the Canaries.

[LISTER picks up the case and carries it to his bunk where he begins
 unpacking its contents]

LISTER
  Some bloke came round the machine shop so I signed up.

RIMMER
  The Canaries?

LISTER
  Yeah, y'know, a bit of close-part harmony, and you should see the list of
privileges you get; unbelievable.

RIMMER
  You don't know what the Canaries are, do you?

LISTER
  Of course I do: a singing group, acappella...
  /You are the sunshine of my life, ooo-ooh, that's why I'll always be
around/

[LISTER catches RIMMER's amused expression and begins to realise the
 implications]

LISTER
  They're nothing to do with singing, are they?

[RIMMER shakes his head, solemly]

LISTER
  Holly lied to me, didn't he?

[RIMMER nods]

LISTER
  Oh hey, he was taking the smeg.

RIMMER
  Oh Listy! Listy, Listy, Listy!

LISTER
  Well go on then, what've I signed up for?

RIMMER
  In the nineteenth century, when miners went down a pit, they'd lower a
canary down first in a little cage -

LISTER
  What, and make them do some mining? They were sick in the nineteenth
century, weren't they, eh? I mean, how much coal can a little canary get?

RIMMER
  - And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the
canary did.

LISTER
  Complained to the foreman?

RIMMER
  It died, Listy. The canary's job was to go into the most dangerous,
unpleasant and smeggy situations and see if it could stay alive. Then they'd
know if it was safe to send in the important people.

LISTER
  Oh, I'm gonna kill him!

RIMMER
  How come you've never heard of the Canaries? They've got recruitment
posters all over the men's bogs! How come you've not seen them?

LISTER
  When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look
around, y'know what I'm saying? It's like playing golf: I concentrate on my
grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side!

RIMMER
  "The Canaries"... You know what they say it's supposed to stand for?
  "Convicts Army Nearly All Retarded In-bred Evil Sheep shaggers"! They
haven't got an X chromosome to share between them!

LISTER
  Smeg!
  It gets worse as well.

[RIMMER laughs, loving LISTER's predicament]

RIMMER
  Worse! Go on.

LISTER
  I've signed you up, too.

[RIMMER's grin crumbles, landing in two piles of shock and outrage]

LISTER
  I forged your signature, I thought I was doing you a favour.

RIMMER
  Me! Why?!

LISTER
  I've signed us all up. Kryten, Kris, everyone!

RIMMER
  No way! No way! No way am I becoming a Canary!


[-- 21 - Int. Chamber ------------------------------------------Raz--5:15--]

[GOVENOR ACKERMAN, WARDEN KNOT, the Canaries, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[The GOVENOR and the CAPTAIN stand together on a balcony overlooking the
 Canaries. All of the Canaries are dressed in their regulation outfits: dark
 heavy-duty combat suit, heavy boots and gloves, with a close-fitting bright
 yellow bib and padded yellow jacket that has the individual's name. KRYTEN
 has obviously been allowed concessions due to his unwieldy bodyshell, and
 simply wears the personalised jacket. RIMMER has taken the new uniform to
 heart and wears a thick, grey quilted coat over his jacket, which has a
 large Canaries patch emblazoned on the left breast]

GOVENOR
  It's a great honour for floor thirteen, for today we are visited by
Captain Hollister, who has a special assignment.

KILL CRAZY
  At last, some action! I've been going mental all this time, cooped up, not
killing nothing. Yes!

WARDEN KNOT
  Kill Crazy, shut up, you punk!

HOLLISTER
  Okay, listen up. We've located a ship, the SSS Silverburg, buried at the
bottom of an ocean moon. A remote probe has come back with no signs of a
crew, no bodily remains, no skeletons, zip. We want you guys to go on board
and, ah, find out why.

[Suddenly RIMMER steps out of line and turns back to face the Dwarfers]

RIMMER
  A-one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four:

KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT
  /You are the sunshine of my life, ooo-ooh, that's why I'll always be
around/ -

HOLLISTER
  Rimmer!

[GOVENOR ACKERMAN scrambles down a metal staircase connecting the balcony
 and the floor of the chamber]

RIMMER
  Sorry, sir, we seem to have wandered into the wrong hobby group, we'll
leave immediately.

[RIMMER hisses urgently to the others:]


RIMMER
 Go!

[ACKERMAN catches RIMMER, stopping him and the Dwarfers in their tracks.
 He leans in close to RIMMER and hisses menacingly]

GOVENOR
  Rimmer! You're here, and this is where you'll stay, now get on with it.

RIMMER
  Yes, sir, thank you, sir.

[ACKERMAN hurries back up the staircase and smiles apologetically at
 CAPTAIN HOLLISTER]

RIMMER
  You heard what the warden said, he wants us to get on with it. From the
top!

KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT
  /You are the sunshine of my life/ -

HOLLISTER
  Rimmer!

[ACKERMAN quails under the CAPTAIN's obvious disapproval and bounds
 down to RIMMER once again]

RIMMER
  Sorry, sir, when you said get on with it I thought you meant -

GOVENOR
  Shut up! You're a Canary, man! A member of the toughest convict army this
side of Pluto. I've seen custard factories that aren't as yellow as you are!
Start behaving like a man.

RIMMER
  A man, sir, yes, of course, sir, a man... a man. Perhaps if you could
remind me, sir, it will all come back?

[WARDEN KNOT leans in from off screen, and appears to reach out and grab
 something in front of RIMMER, just off the bottom of shot. Judging from
 RIMMER's agonised wince, and KNOT's intense frown and the cracking of his
 joints, something extremely sensitive is being gripped extremely hard.
 After several awkward moments, KNOT lets go, RIMMER hobbles delicately
 back into line and ACKERMAN scurries back up to the balcony]

GOVENOR
  Continue, Captain.

HOLLISTER
  It's inconceivable a ship like this could be sent out without a crew, so
whatever devoured the crew, bones and all, might still be there, so... be
careful.

[The Canaries turn and begin shuffling out]

KILL CRAZY
  Let's go kill something!! *YESSSSS*!!

[A few of the Canaries spare KILL CRAZY a glance as he shrieks his approval
 before continuing on their way. Staring eagerly up at the CAPTAIN and the
 GOVENOR, it takes a few moments before KILL CRAZY realises he has been
 left behind. Deflated, he heads off after his fellow Canaries]


[-- 22 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------7:32--]

[A small sub descends through murky waters, triple floodlights doing little
 to light its progress]


[-- 23 - Int. Submarine ---------------------------------------------7:39--]

[Canaries present]

[All the Canaries are sat quietly, kitted out now with rifles and a backup
 pistol. All seem absorbed in their own thoughts; all except KILL CRAZY,
 that is, who is fairly bouncing on his seat in hyped-up anticipation]

KILL CRAZY
  I hope its got, like, big teeth and claws and, like, loads of heads. Yeah!
*Great*!

[The others pay him little attention, much less return any enthusiasm, but
 KILL CRAZY ignores them]


[-- 24 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------7:50--]

[The submarine draws up beside a large wall of metal, turns about and docks
 against an airlock]


[-- 25 - Int. Airlock aboard the Silverburg -------------------------7:59--]

[The airlock is silent and empty, until a loud screeching of rusted metal
 peals out as the Canaries break the airlock seal and swing open the thick
 door]

[Enter KILL CRAZY]

KILL CRAZY
  Here we go! At last! *Yeah*!!!

[Caught in the moment, KILL CRAZY charges forward aproximately half a metre
 before smacking his head soundly off the top of the airlock frame. He goes
 down bonelessy without a sound, and the other Canaries step over him,
 somewhat more cautiously]


[-- 26 - Int. Silverberg Obs deck -----------------------------------8:13--]

[Enter LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, other Canaries]

LISTER
  Okay, stay together, keep 'em peeled.

RIMMER
  What's that!

[RIMMER points fearfully out of shot]

KRYTEN
  What? Where?

RIMMER
  It's moving, shaking from side to side like a leaf!

KRYTEN
  I think that's your shadow, sir.


[-- 27 - Int. Staircase aboard the Silverburg -----------------------8:30--]

[The search has obviously proved fruitless so far; the Dwarfers have moved
 to another part of the ship. A figure comes running down a metal staircase]

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

KOCHANSKI
  Located the mainframe, maybe it can tell us something.

[KOCHANSKI turns and heads back up the staircase]


[-- 28 - Int. Silverburg computer room -------------------------Raz--8:35--]

[COMPUTER present, a holgraphic head]

[Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT, RIMMER]

[The Dwarfers step into a large, hi-tech room. Control panels, status lights
 and cables are the general decor, but the dominant feature of the room is
 the large pillar into which the cables that sprout from the control banks
 and snake across the floor all lead into. Rising from a solid base, the
 hexagonally cross-sectioned pillar becomes translucent, and a section from
 around the foot-foot high mark to about seven feet from the floor holds
 the hologrammatic image of a older woman's head. The head has a silvery
 sheen to its skin and sheer silver hair, and around the thin neck is an
 elaborate necklace resembling the tracks of a printed circuit board, also
 worked in silver. Delicate tongues of pink electro-plasma flicker around
 image of the head]

COMPUTER
  Good evening, Arnold. I've been looking forward to your arrival so very
much.

RIMMER
  How do you know my name?

COMPUTER
  My name is Cassandra. I am a computer with the ability to predict the
future with an accuracy rating of 100%.
  Bless you.

[RIMMER frowns in confusion]

RIMMER
'Bless you'? What do you mean 'bless you'?

[RIMMER abruptly sneezes]

CASSANDRA
  You need a tissue; Kris has one in her left-hand pocket. She says "would
you like this?"; you say "thanks".

[Sure enough, KOCHANSKI is in the process of offering a handkerchief to
 RIMMER]

KOCHANSKI
  Would you like this?

RIMMER
  Thanks.

[Both turn and look at the computer with suspicious surprise]

CASSANDRA
  "Extraordinary".

KRYTEN
  Extraordinary.

CASSANDRA
  "The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future".


[Ignoring the computer, KOCHANSKI glances towards LISTER and the others to
 her left]

KOCHANSKI
  The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future.

[CASSANDRA puts on an obvious accent]

CASSANDRA
  "But how does it work? The future's not 'appened yet".

[LISTER hesitates and glances around, adopting an air of defiance]

LISTER
  ...I'm not gonna say that.

CASSANDRA
  I never said you would.

LISTER
  But how *does* it work? The future's not 'appened yet.

CASSANDRA
  Although you do.

LISTER
  Smeg.

RIMMER
  Let's ask her a question about the future. A biggie...

LISTER
  Okay, Cassandra, do we ever get back to Earth? Has the human race
survived?

CAT
  Do I ever find my singing tie-pin?

[LISTER glances at CAT in annoyance, but in the meantime KOCHANSKI has been
 having second thoughts]

KOCHANSKI
  Look, do we want to know all this stuff about the future? I mean, do we
want to know, for example, how and when we die?

RIMMER
  Kris is right. Something like that could mess your life up forever.
  Cassandra, I have a question.

CASSANDRA
  I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation.

Arnold
  So, what's the answer?

CASSANDRA
  He chokes to death, aged one-hundred and eighty-one, trying to remove a
bra with his teeth.

[LISTER glances at RIMMER and CASSANDRA questioningly]

LISTER
  What was the question?

RIMMER
  I just asked how you died.

[LISTER stares hard at RIMMER]

LISTER
  You what? I didn't want to know that!

[Suddenly he rounds on CASSANDRA]

LISTER
  Who's bra?

CAT
  A hundred and eighty-one? Probably your own!

LISTER
  Come on, no. Taking a bra off with m' teeth, aged one-hundred and
eighty-one. That's a hell of a sexy way to go!

KRYTEN
  So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir.

LISTER
  I'm really screwed up, now. I never wanted to know that; know how I die.
It's completely spoiled the surprise!

CASSANDRA
  Kryten, this is where you share your theory with your crew-mates.

[KRYTEN acknowledges this]

KRYTEN
  I have a theory, everyone. The Silverburg didn't crash, did it, Cassandra?
The ship was sent here by the Space Corps. on auto-pilot to get rid of you;
to abandon you at the bottom of a lunar sea, in the depths of Deep Space.

CAT
 That's brilliant, bud! How'd you work that out?

KRYTEN
  I read it on this mission directive, here.

[KRYTEN holds up the paper in question, and passes it to LISTER, who skims
 through it]

LISTER
  So, there was no dead bodies on board because the ship didn't have a crew.

KRYTEN
  A computer that unerringly predicts the future -

CASSANDRA
  - "Is a dangerous thing indeed"...

[KRYTEN's smug expression curdles]

KRYTEN
  Is a dangerous... er, yes, precisely.

RIMMER
  We, um, should be making tracks.

[RIMMER points apologetically towards the exit and turns to leave]

CASSANDRA
  I'm afraid that that's not going to happen. The bulkhead's just given away
and we're shipping water at a thousand gallons a second. All the Canaries
will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer -

RIMMER
  Yes!

[RIMMER punches the air in jubilation]

CASSANDRA
  - Who will be dead in 20 minutes.

[RIMMER's joy evaporates and he works his mouth ineffectually. CASSANDRA
 smiles, somewhat mischievously]

CASSANDRA
  Only Lister, Kryten, the Cat and Kochanski survive.

LISTER
  What happens to Rimmer?

CASSANDRA
  He has a heart attack, brought on by the stress of knowing he's going to
die, and collapses; collapses during a conversation with me in nineteen
minutes and thirty-one seconds.

RIMMER
  I don't believe you, I simply don't believe you.

CASSANDRA
  We shall see, or rather, you shall see; I have already seen...

KOCHANSKI
  All the hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end!

CAT
  Mine too, but not just the ones on the back of my neck; it's one up, all
up!

[Exit CAT]

[CAT heads out hurriedly, and the others move to follow]


[-- 29 - Int. A deserted supply room aboard the Silverburg ---------12:24--]

[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, RIMMER, CAT present]

[The Dwarfers have called a 'time-out', away from the other Canaries and
 their Warden overseers, to rest their legs, have a coffee, and take stock
 of their situation. His initial romance with the Canaries now over, RIMMER
 has abandoned his emblazoned coat and sits with the other Dwarfers in the
 regular uniform. His stencilled name on his jacket is printed in a larger
 typeface than that of his fellows; perhaps RIMMER put himself forward as
 their team leader, or some similar temporary position. While KRYTEN checks
 over their equipment, the others sit by a line of storage crates that they
 have arranged into a long table, sipping from their mugs]

LISTER
  Well, it's not the first time we've been in a situation like this, is it?

CAT
  Hell no, we've drunk coffee thousands of times. We're veterans.

LISTER
  Future echoes, remember?

CAT
  Future echoes, oh right!

KOCHANSKI
  What was that?

LISTER
  Well, we learnt that if the future's already decided...

[LISTER glances quickly at RIMMER, sat beside him staring into the depths of
 his coffee, and lowers his voice]

LISTER
  - you can't change it...

[RIMMER glances up at him]

RIMMER
  Yeah, but what do you know? Your a chicken soup machine repairman, not
Hank Handsome, Space Adventurer.
  Don't get ideas above your station, and your station is Git Central.

LISTER
  Hey, I've been surviving in space five - six years. When it comes to
weirdy, paradoxy space stuff, I've bought the t-shirt.

KRYTEN
  He bought it and I ironed it for him.

LISTER
  Exactly.

RIMMER
  So, you're saying the future's the future and, like your underpants, the
chances of change are remote? Well, I'm sorry, I don't accept it.

LISTER
  Hey, I'm not happy about it, man.

CAT
  None of us are. You dying is the last think we want, especially me. Hell,
I'd probably have to help dig the hole.

RIMMER
  Right, so to summarise: six years of space adventuring, six years of
experience and knowledge, has led you to the conclusion that I'm totally
stuffed?

KRYTEN
  Mister Rimmer has a point, sir. Your greater knowledge is making you
pessimistic, while his ignorance and almost doe-like naivety is keeping his
mind receptive to a possible solution.

LISTER
  Shut your stupid, flat head, you.

[KRYTEN shrinks under LISTER's admonition, but KOCHANSKI has picked up on
 something, and sounds intrigued]

KOCHANSKI
  So, you're saying, when you don't know enough... to *know* that you don't
know enough, there's no fear holding you back? You can achieve things which
people with more brains can't?

KRYTEN
  Precisely.

[KOCHANSKI smirks in RIMMER's direction]

KOCHANSKI
  He's got the 'power of ignorance'...

KRYTEN
  And with ignorance that he's got, that makes him one of the most powerful
men that's ever lived!
  Harness your stupidity, sir; employ your witlessness, use your
empty-headed, simplistic moron-mind and find a solution.

[RIMMER's face hardens defiantly]

RIMMER
  Okay! I've got an idea. Kryten, replay out meeting with Cassandra in your
CPU and tell me if, at any point, anyone ever called me 'Rimmer'.

LISTER
  What?

[KRYTEN dutifully scans through his records, his head twitching as his
 emotion software tries to reproduce the feelings of the accelerated
 moments. The playback ends and KRYTEN adresses RIMMER]

KRYTEN
  At no point throughout the meeting did anyone refer to you as 'Rimmer'.
In fact, we barely looked you.

RIMMER
  That's just what I thought! Cassandra said "Rimmer dies", but it doesn't
necessarily follow that that means me!

LISTER
  Who does it mean then, your dad?

RIMMER
  Look, Cassandra doesn't know the future, she sees pictures of it. She
could have seen some other guy die of a heart attack; someone she's been
told is *called* Rimmer.

KOCHANSKI
  He's right.

RIMMER
  All I have to do is find someone I can introduce to Cassandra as
'Rimmer'...

[RIMMER glances down and suddenly notices the large name badge on the front
 of his jacket. He smiles eagerly]

RIMMER
  - and it'll be them that stiffs out and not me!

KRYTEN
  Such lowlife conniving; its impossible not to be impressed! What I
wouldn't give to have your weasel gene, sir!

[RIMMER beams intently at CAT]

CAT
  Now wait a minute!

[Enter WARDEN KNOT]

[KRYTEN notcices the burly man's approach and speaks in exaggerated tones]

KRYTEN
  Oh look, here's Mister Knot...

[RIMMER looks sharply at the big man, silently mouthing "Yes..."]

KNOT
  You made this area secure?

RIMMER
  Yes, sir, Mister Knot, sir. Coffee, sir?

[RIMMER fairly leaps out of his seat, and begins pouring a cup from the
 flask in front of him]

KNOT
  I've been asked by the Captain to inspect the mainframe, where is it?

[RIMMER, in passing a cup of coffee to KNOT, feigns a trip and throws it
 over the man's jacket. KNOT grabs RIMMER's lapels angrily]

KNOT
  You idiot! What the hell do you think you're doing?

RIMMER
  Please, have my jacket, I insist! Then I shall lead you to Cassandra.

[Taking KNOT's damp jacket away, RIMMER holds out his own and helps the
 WARDEN shrug awkwardly into it, a task not made easy by the obvious size
 difference between the two of them]

RIMMER
  There we are, sir, a perfect fit, sir.

[KNOT scowls at RIMMER, but keeps the jacket anyway]

KNOT
  Lead the way, Rimmer.

RIMMER
  Don't call me 'Rimmer'!

KNOT
  That's your name...

RIMMER
  Yes, but 'Rimmer' - it's so full of nobility and quiet courage; call me
'arsewipe' or 'fishbreath', but not 'Rimmer', sir, never 'Rimmer', sir.

KNOT
  Okay, arsewipe, whatever you say. Now where's the mainframe!


[-- 30 - Int. Silverburg computer room ------------------------Raz--16:14--]

[Enter RIMMER, WARDEN KNOT]

[Leading the Warden, RIMMER now wears KNOT's grey jacket over his Canary
 bib and a hopeful, nervous smile on his face]

CASSANDRA
  Hello Arnold, bang on time.

RIMMER
  I've brought you a visitor, Cassandra. Do you know his name?

CASSANDRA
  Yes, I do. Not -

[Shock registers on RIMMER's face]

RIMMER
  What?

CASSANDRA
  Not -

RIMMER
  'Knot'??

CASSANDRA
  Let me finish!
  Not that it matters what his name is, I mean, our relationship doesn't
last very long.

[RIMMER calms himself, visibly trying to relax]

KNOT
  I understand you have the ability to predict -

CASSANDRA
  - the future, yes, I do.

KNOT
  A hundred percent reli -

CASSANDRA
  - able, yes.

KNOT
  What happens to me; do I get back to Earth?

CASSANDRA
  No, you die in about four seconds' time of a heart attack after hearing
the news that you're going to die of a heart attack.

KNOT
  You filthy ly --  Ack!

[KNOT clutches a hand to his chest and stares at RIMMER and shock. RIMMER
 watches nonchalantly as KNOT sinks to the floor and sprawls on his back.
 CASSANDRA peers down at him sympathetically]

CASSANDRA
  Poor Rimmer.

RIMMER
  Yes, poor old 'Rimmer'.

[KNOT raises a hand weakly]

KNOT
  My name is not -

[Quick to obfuscate the man's inconvenient last words, RIMMER leans down as
 if to listen intently]

RIMMER
  Your name is not *what*?

KNOT
  Knot! Not...
  Knot..!

[The man's lead lolls back slackly. RIMMER looks to CASSANDRA impatiently]

RIMMER
  Is he dead now?

CASSANDRA
  I'm afraid so.

RIMMER
  Yes!

[Enormously pleased, RIMMER holds up both fists triumphantly]

CASSANDRA
  He died of a massive coronary, just as I prophesied.

RIMMER
  Yes!

[RIMMER punches the air again]

CASSANDRA
  You seem inordinately happy, Arnold, but why? You're going to die too.

[Once again RIMMER's smile is mercilessly killed]

RIMMER
  But you said - I just...
  I'm gonna die too?

CASSANDRA
  I already told you: Rimmer dies of a heart attack, and then you and all
the other Canaries die too; all except Lister, Kryten, Kochanski and the
Cat.
  I've seen it.

RIMMER
  That's as well as maybe, but have you seen this?

[RIMMER flips his middle finger to CASSANDRA, then turns and storms out]

[Exit RIMMER]

CASSANDRA
  Yes... I'm afraid I have...


[-- 31 - Int. Silverburg loading tube-------------------------------17:50--]

[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT, RIMMER present]

[The Dwarfers walk solemnly along the flat bottomed but otherwise
 cylindrical corridor, illuminate by stark, irregularly spaced lamps
 postioned along the top of the tube, and rows of lanterns strung just above
 head-height along both side walls]

RIMMER
  You were right, there's nothing I can do.

KRYTEN
  According to Cassandra, our future is decided and we four survive.
Therefore, while we're here, we cannot die. Regard:

[The Dwarfer pause in the corridor to attend KRYTEN. The mechanoid draws his
 sidearm, places the barrel to his temple and pulls the trigger. The chamber
 clicks empty. He points to and fires at KOCHANSKI, LISTER and CAT in turn,
 and each time the chambers are empty. He levels the gun at RIMMER's head]

KRYTEN
  Duck sir!

[KRYTEN fires, and a bullet richochet's off the wall behind RIMMER. The
 bullet pings its way up and down the metal corridar in which they stand,
 its noise first growing quieter, then steadily louder]

KRYTEN
  Duck again, sir!

[RIMMER does so, just in time for the bullet to finally shatter against the
wall behind him]

KRYTEN
  Just as i thought.

[KRYTEN deftly spins the pistol around his finger and drops it back into
 his holster.

CAT
  So, in other words, if I...

[CAT gingerly plucks a large fire axe from the wall, and cracks LISTER
 sharply across the back of the head with its long wooden handle. The others
 flinch away in sympathy and LISTER clutches the back of head, rounding on
 CAT, who grins unconcernedly]

LISTER
  What was that for!?

CAT
  You can't die!

LISTER
  Yeah, but I can still feel pain, you smegger!

CAT
  Oh, yeah...

KRYTEN
  So how about this: we use our 'powers of invulnerability', which will last
until we return to Red Dwarf, and surround Mister Rimmer, escort him up to
the Obs. deck, and into the diving bell?


[-- 32 - Int. Silverburg cargo deck --------------------------------18:43--]

[The safety concertina'd door covering an elevator car folds back]

[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER]

[The former four are arranged in a tight, four-point huddle around RIMMER
 his is sandwiched between them and crouched over, out of sight. As the
 Dwarfers begin to shuffle warily along the deck, RIMMER's head pops out
 to scan their surroundings, before CAT pushes him back down out of harm's
 way]


[-- 33 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------18:56--]

[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER]

[Shuffling along a gangway between the huge ranks of machinery, RIMMER again
 pops up from inside his protective screen, but disappears back down just as
 sharply]


[-- 34 - Int. Airlock aboard the Silverburg ------------------------19:04--]

[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]

LISTER
  The diving bell! We've made it!

[Breaking their huddle, it comes as some surprise to the Dwarfers to find
 that the 'safety cell' they have been preserving is now empty. RIMMER has
 disappeared]

KOCHANSKI
  Where did he go??

[The Dwarfers dash back the way they came]


[-- 35 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------19:13--]

[Re-tracing their steps through the engine blocks, LISTER happens across a
 hatch in the floor, through which RIMMER can be seen on the floor below,
 nursing a sprained ankle]

LISTER
  Yo!

[Hearing the commotion above, RIMMER stares up anxiously]


[-- 36 - Int. Silverburg lower engine deck -------------------------19:22--]

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

[Clutching a rope tied securely around her, KOCHANSKI descends gingerly
 through the hatch into the room below]


[-- 37 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------19:28--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER present]

[The three of them stand in line, holding the other end of KOCHANSKI's rope,
 LISTER glancing down the hatch to keep an eye on her progress. Suddenly,
 CAT pricks his ears, and glances sharply at KRYTEN and LISTER]

CAT
  Hear that?

[KRYTEN adds power to his adio receivers, immediately detecting:]

KRYTEN
  Water...

[LISTER suddenly realises the implications]

LISTER
  Kris, take cover, the water's coming!

CAT
  Quick , the diving bell!


[-- 38 - Int. Silverburg lower engine deck -------------------------19:39--]

[KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present]

[The pair hurriedly climb to the top of a large airlock bell that serves as
 a watersealed access point to the ship's lower decks. Swinging open the
 large access cover at the top, RIMMER and KOCHANSKI scramble inside, and
 KOCHANSKI barely gets the seal shut again before thousands of gallons of
 water come thunding down into the engine deck]


[-- 39 - Int. Silverburg cargo deck --------------------------------19:51--]

[RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present]

[KOCHANSKI descends the last few steps of the ladder that runs from the top
 of the airlock bell down to the cargo deck, where RIMMER stands tensely,
 resting against a pilar. KOCHANSKI whirls away from the ladder angrily]

KOCHANSKI
  Great, everything's above us is flooded, and now we're back down in the
bowels again with Cassandra!

RIMMER
  It's coming true.

[KOCHANSKI looks at him levelly]

RIMMER
  My death! It's all coming true.

[RIMMER storms away with a darkly intent expression]

[Exit RIMMER]

[KOCHANSKI stares hard at his back and shakes her head with irritation.
 After a moment she stalks off on her own]


[-- 40 - Int. Silverburg computer room -----------------------------20:09--]

[CASSANDRA present]

[Enter RIMMER]

[CASSANDRA smiles, almost apologetically, as she sees RIMMER step in slowly]

CASSANDRA
  You tried to cheat the future and failed, as I knew you would.

RIMMER
  So what happens now? How... How do I die?

CASSANDRA
  Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the
head with a harpoon gun.

[RIMMER stares at CASSANDRA incredulously]

RIMMER
  Can you just double-check that?

CASSANDRA
  I've seen it, it's what happens. In the old laundry room.

RIMMER
  So let me just repeat what I think you're saying... Arnold, that's *me*,
and Kochanski, that's *the woman* - the really attractive one you saw
earlier; me and her were in bed, giving it rizz, when Lister, that's the
short, dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me through the
head while I'm making love with Kochanski?

CASSANDRA
  That is what is going to happen.

[RIMMER grins exultantly, amms held up in celebration]

RIMMER
  Fantastic!!


[-- 41 - Int. Silverburg laundry room ------------------------------21:15--]

[RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present]

[RIMMER is on hands and knees, bouncing on a old mattress that he has
 arranged on the floor in an attempt to flatten out the worst of its lumps.
 KOCHANSKI stands against a wall as far away as possible, staring away and
 pressing a hand to her chest faintly]

KOCHANSKI
  I can't believe what you're telling me..!

RIMMER
  I can scarcely believe it myself.
  I mean, obviously, you're incredibly attractive; I never thought you'd
look at me twice!

KOCHANSKI
  Neither did I!

RIMMER
  But, apparently, were gonna make love. Unbe-smegging-lieviable or what?
  It's not warm in here, fancy a wee nip?

KOCHANSKI
  No, no, no, no.

[RIMMER heads over to his flask anyway, and pours himself a small glass]

KOCHANSKI
  But, why would I want to sleep with *you*? I mean, it doesn't make any
sense.

RIMMER
  Maybe you get blind drunk?

KOCHANSKI
  Well that doesn't excuse my other four senses!

RIMMER
  Right, barely an hour to go, shall we get started?
  I mean, let's face it, you can't change the future. Sadly.

[KOCHANSKI remembers something, and points at RIMMER hopefully]

KOCHANSKI
  But, you said, you *could*...

RIMMER
  Yeah, I've changed my mind now.

[RIMMER fiddles with a pipe and tap on the wall, intending to top up his
 drink]

KOCHANSKI
  Look, are you sure you wouldn't like to play the opera game, instead?

RIMMER
  Kris, it's what Cassandra saw. You can't cheat fate.

KOCHANSKI
  Well, you just watch me, because there's no way on earth that I'm climbing
out of my clothes, and clambering into that bed.

[As RIMMER finally turns on his tap, the other end of the ancient pipe,
 which KOCHANSKI is standing next to, suddenly ruptures, spraying torrents
 of water and drenching her from head to toe. RIMMER fumbles with the tap
 and manages to stop the flood. KOCHANSKI glares at RIMMER]

KOCHANSKI
  My clothes are soaking!

RIMMER
  Why don't you take them off, and dry them on the heater?

[KOCHANSKI snatches a blanket from a shelf beside her, sloshes over to
 RIMMER and grabs the drink from his hand]

KOCHANSKI
  It's coming true, it's all coming true...

RIMMER
  It's coming true, it's all coming true!

[KOCHANKSI takes a belt from the glass, and shakes her head in some
 surprise]


[-- 42 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------23:04--]

[The Canaries' little submarine powers through the black water]


[-- 43 - Int. Submarine --------------------------------------------23:11--]

[KILL CRAZY, LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN present]

[KILL CRAZY lies on his back, barely conscious, across the bench seats,
 a vicious arc of a cut prominent across a good part of his forehead]

KILL CRAZY
  Uurrrhhhhhhh

[CAT and KRYTEN spare the downed Canary a glance as LISTER makes
 preparations for leaving]

CAT
  Bud, you can't go back there!

LISTER
  Cassandra said Kris survives, and the only way that's gonna happen is if
someone goes back in and saves her.

[LISTER points at an area of the wall behind CAT and KRYTEN]

LISTER
  Chuck'us the harpoon gun, will you.

[CAT passes the weapon over, and LISTER carefully removes the safety cover
 from the tip of the spear]


[-- 44 - Int. Silverburg laundry room -------------------------Raz--23:33--]

[RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present]

[RIMMER, now dressed only in his t-shirt, boxers and socks, bops happily in
 front of the hastily constructed bed, singing to himself wordlessly, and
 with an equal amount of tunefulness. KOCHANSKI is already in bed, naked
 but hiding inside a tightly wrapped blanket. RIMMER mooches closer to the
 bed and throws himself down beside her; KOCHANKSI flinches away]

KOCHANSKI
  I'm not sure about this. This is the first time I've ever been seduced
by predeterminism theory.

RIMMER
  One hour exactly...

[RIMMER puckers up and waggles his lips in KOCHANSKI's direction]

[Enter LISTER]

[Upon seeing LISTER dart in through a hatchway and level his harpoon gun,
 RIMMER turns away and scowls in disgust]

RIMMER
  Oh bloody, buggering hell!
 Tonight must be the night they put the clocks forward!

LISTER
  I've got it!

RIMMER
  That's more than I did.

LISTER
  I've worked it all out.

RIMMER
  I never get any breaks, ever! Twenty seconds later you could've been on
top and I could've used you as a human shield.

KOCHANSKI
  I must have been mad, what the hell was I thinking? I felt sorry for you!

LISTER
  Look, will you shut up and listen to me?

[Crouching down beside the bed, LISTER picks up the glass discarded by
 KOCHANSKI and takes a sip]

KOCHANSKI
  No! *Why* aren't you mad that I'm in bed with him?

LISTER
  'Cos i know *why* you're in bed with him. and I also know that i don't
kill him

KOCHANSKI
  Aw, but Cassandra promised...

LISTER
  Cassandra made that up to force you two together. So that you'd feel sorry
for him, and hopefully end up sleeping with him.

RIMMER
  So why did she say she saw it happen?

LISTER
  To try and *make* it happen.

KOCHANSKI
  But why?

LISTER
  To try and punish me!

RIMMER
  Punish you? Why?

LISTER
  'Cos Cassandra knows, and has always known, how she dies. She's trying to
make me suffer now for something that I'm destined to do in the future...

RIMMER
  You kill her, don't you? That's why she hates you. Because she knows
you're going got kill her.

LISTER
  That's what this whole thing was about. Kryten figured it out.

[RIMMER nods, his annoyance plain]

RIMMER
  Kryten figured it out, did he? Good old Kryten. But did he really have to
figure it out quite so damn fast? Would it have killed him to take thirty
minutes longer? Ten minutes even? Two would have done.

LISTER
  I'm gonna take care of the rest of it now. I'll, erm -

[LISTER grins at the pair of them]

LISTER
  - see you two lovebirds later...

[Exit LISTER]

[KOCHANSKI gets to her feet, keeping the blanket wrapped perfectly around
 her in that special way that only women can]

RIMMER
  Look, thanks for being with me tonight. I can't think of anyone I'd rather
share my final hour with than you, and I really mean that.
  I'm not all bad, in fact, sometimes I'm quite sweet and sensitive...

[KOCHANSKI smiles gently and turns to leave]

KOCHANSKI

  Bye.

RIMMER
  By the way?

KOCHANSKI
  Mm-hm?

[RIMMER picks up KOCHANSKI's black knickers from the bed and dangles them
 in the air, grinning hugely]

RIMMER
  Is it okay if I keep these?


[-- 45 - Int. Silverburg computer room -----------------------------25:54--]

[CASSANDRA present]

[Enter LISTER]

[LISTER sets down the glass the brought with him from the laundry room, and
 chomps quietly on a piece of chewing gum]

LISTER
  If the future's all worked out - horoscopes, all that stuff - it means
we're not responsible for anything we do. It means we're just actors saying
lines in a script written by someone else. I don't wanna believe that.
  I wanna believe I'm in charge of my own life, my own destiny; so I'm not
gonna kill you, Cassandra. I'm out of here.

[LISTER turns to leave]

CASSANDRA
  But you do kill me, I've seen it.

LISTER
  Tomorrow's a new day. A fresh page in a book that's not been written yet.
What happens in the future is up to me, not some 'predetermined destiny'
smeg.
  I'll see you, kid-eh.

[As LISTER turns away from CASSANDRA again, he takes out his gum and sticks
 it on the wall beside the hatchway before walking out. Almost immediately,
 the gum falls off the wall, landing on the articulated-arm of a lamp. The
 lamp eases slowly downwards under the fractional extra weight, coming to
 rest on a button. The button, in turn, supplies power to a desk fan, which
 spins up and begins to oscillate. The flow of air blows the gum off the
 lamp-arm, flicking it through the air in front of LISTER's startled face
 and depositing it neatly in the glass that LISTER brought with him. The
 gum's inertia pushes the glass off the narrow shelf on which it sat,
 spilling the contents over a wall panel. The liquid drips down into a
 socket, where a thick cable connects to the wall, and sparks begin to
 crackle from the connection. Sparks, accompanied by angry electrical pops,
 work their way along the cabling towards a bank of components, and things
 go from bad to worse when the whole console goes up in small explosion.
 CASSANDRA tilts her head and stares at LISTER in admirably subdued
 annoyance, before the entire column that housed her projection system
 detonates in spectacular fashion. LISTER surveys his handiwork with a
 pained expression]

LISTER
  Smeg. Smeg...

[Highly embarassed, he turns and walks carefully out]


[--------------------------- END OF "CASSANDRA" --------------------27:14--]