tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71308124517459268922024-03-13T16:47:57.747-07:00RED DWARF SCRIPTSScripts from seasons 1 to 8 of the Red Dwarf series. Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger51125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-50078558245653744692012-11-01T10:07:00.000-07:002012-11-01T10:07:07.922-07:00Season 8 Episode 8, Only the Good.<pre>[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 8 -- ONLY THE GOOD
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 1.01
7 - 9 April, 1999
Last updated: 19 May, 1999
Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
http://www.matrixcity.org
[-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--]
[A derelict ship, floating in space. A pod tumbles away from the ship and
slices by the camera]
[-- 2 - CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------0:04--]
[A plain starfield. Narrative text draws across the screen:]
"Lone escape pod from SS Hermes -
Survivors one.
Ship destroyed by Chameleonic Microbe."
[A pause, then the words 'by Chameleonic Microbe.' are deleted, and replaced
with:]
"by Chamelionic Mycrobe."
[A second pause, then 'by Chamelionic Mycrobe.' is deleted, and replaced
with the much simpler:]
"by shape changing weird space thing.
Non essential electrics all down,
including spell checker.
Massage ends."
[-- 3 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:26--]
[The triangular escape pod tumbles through space, its fuel spent. It
approaches Red Dwarf and falls into the ship's gravity well]
[-- 4 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:36--]
[A cargo bay within Red Dwarf. The pod has been brought in and now sits
upright in the bay. Narrative text appears:]
"6 hours later"
[One side of the pod begins to shimmer, as some kind of black, flickery
substance begins to spread out from the entry hatch and move around the
large, circular airlock cavity. As the black substance passes, the metalwork
of the pod vanishes, leaving behind a jagged tear through the airlock]
[-- 5 - Int. Captain's Recovery room --------------------------------0:46--]
[We see a close up on a TV screen, display on which is an old black and
white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is being carried by a creature dressed
in a dark suit and helmet; she kicks her legs and screams melodramatically]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[HOLLISTER is lying in bed, looking ill. There is a knock on the door, and
the CAPTAIN struggles to croak around an obviously sore throat]
HOLLISTER
...Come in...
[More knocks issue, and HOLLISTER reacts with exasperation]
HOLLISTER
...Come in...
[HOLLISTER strains hard, but the caller obviously still does not hear, and
knocks again]
HOLLISTER
...Come in!...
[There is a pause, then the door swishes open]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
Can I come in, sir?
I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear me?
Your hot lemon, sir.
[HOLLISTER takes the drink, then pats at his face]
HOLLISTER
God-damn yellow fever. I've still got that jowly, flabby, puffiness around
my cheeks.
RIMMER
Wasn't that there before your illness, sir?
Yes, I'm sure it was, because -
[HOLLISTER glances at RIMMER sharply]
RIMMER
Let me tuck you in, sir.
HOLLISTER
How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet?
RIMMER
Enjoying it, sir.
Some directives for you to sign, sir:
[RIMMER hands over a clipboard, and the CAPTAIN leafs through it]
HOLLISTER
What's this 'Space Core Free Pardon', exonerating you of all crimes, doing
in here?
[RIMMER sucks air through his mouth, an expression of incredulity on his
face]
RIMMER
Those people in Admin really need to pay more mind, sir, honestly! Tsk! You
can't rely on anyone these days, can you!
[HOLLISTER stares coldly at RIMMER, who breaks under the pressure and sinks
to his knees by the CAPTAIN's bed]
RIMMER
I'm so sorry, sir, it's just, if I've got a record, I'll never become an
officer and command my own ship; and that's what I long for more than
anything, sir, to be like you... Maybe thinner, and in better condition,
and obviously without your clogged arteries, but that aside, sir, you're the
person I admire the most.
HOLLISTER
Another ambition achieved...
RIMMER
You think I could become an officer, one day, sir?
HOLLISTER
Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this, Rimmer, but I'm sorry,
you're just not officer material.
RIMMER
'Not officer material', sir??
HOLLISTER
If you wanna take my advice you'll redirect your energies and find
something that you have a genuine chance of succeeding at.
RIMMER
Like what, sir?
[HOLLISTER feigns loss of speech]
RIMMER
So you're saying I'm never going to become a Captain, sir? Never?
[HOLLISTER croaks words]
[There is another knock at the door, and a woman dressed in a flowing
black dress sweeps in. Ignoring RIMMER, she stares down at the CAPTAIN]
WOMAN
They said it was okay to drop by...
HOLLISTER
Talia?? We-ll, hi!
[RIMMER jumps to his feet and smarms at the woman]
RIMMER
Hi!
[The woman smiles in return, but immediately returns her gaze to the
CAPTAIN]
HOLLISTER
Ah, Rimmer was just leaving...
TALIA
I can't believe we've run into one another again after all this time!
HOLLISTER
Well, the nanobots must have resurrected you, too! You look... wonderful.
TALIA
You made Captain; you've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got
goosebumps.
RIMMER
The photograph of your *wife*, sir? Is it okay where it is or should I
turn it so it's facing the wall?
HOLLISTER
Dismissed, Rimmer.
RIMMER
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Nothing I can get *you*, ma'am? Tea? Coffee?
[RIMMER turns and heads out, still muttering]
RIMMER
Packet of three..?
[Exit RIMMER]
[TALIA's eyes widen as she hears RIMMER's parting words, and the CAPTAIN
glares after him, then smiles and apologises to his guest]
[-- 6 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room --------------------Raz--3:34--]
[RIMMER present]
[RIMMER strides away from the CAPTAIN's room]
RIMMER
Me? Not make it? What does he know? The big, stupid, yellow idiot.
[RIMMER pauses by a food dispenser, and begins fishing in his pocket]
RIMMER
He doesn't see my good side, my guile, my weasel cunning. When the going
gets tough, my ability to find good hiding places.
[RIMMER takes out a token from his pocket and carefully extends a length of
thread that is attached to it. He inserts the token into the dispenser's
credit slot]
RIMMER
He thinks I'm an imbecile, he really does...
[RIMMER taps in a few numbers on a control panel, and a chocolate bar drops
into the vending compartment. RIMMER takes it]
RIMMER
Ha ha. Me, an imbecile!
[In one smooth motion, RIMMER carefully tugs on the string and pulls his
coin back out of the dispenser. Immediately lights begin to flash all over
the machine]
DISPENSER
Alert, alert! A choccy-nut bar - a choccy-nut bar - has been removed
without payment.
[RIMMER slaps his hand across the dispenser's speaker-unit]
DISPENSER
A choccy-nut bar has been removed without payment. Alert, alert!
RIMMER
Shut up!
DISPENSER
No, shan't. Alert, alert!
RIMMER
If you don't shut up, I'll pour beef soup into your speaker and you'll
drown.
DISPENSER
Take your hand off m' speaker then.
RIMMER
Promise to shut up?
DISPENSER
Promise.
[RIMMER uncovers the speaker]
DISPENSER
Ha ha ha haa! I had m' circuits crossed! Alert, alert! Chocolate abduction
on floor three-four-one. Alert -
[Angrily, RIMMER crumples up the CAPTAIN's directives and stuffs the papers
into the dispenser's speaker grille. He begins peeling off the sticky-
backed instruction labels that decorate the dispenser over its various slots
and vents and, in an attempt to silence the machine, re-sticks them so that
they cover the speaker grille]
DISPENSER
Ooh, I say, you w'll - you will not get away with this, I may not be able
to see you but I know your taste in confectionary! And I also - I also
know - I also know, ha haa, erm, no, in fact that *is* all I know, just your
taste in confectionary, but no matter, because one day I'll hear
your voice again and I'll expose you for the chocolate thieving dog you are!
[RIMMER gives up on trying to suffocate the machine, and rubs his hands on
his trousers nervously]
RIMMER
I'm really scared! I'm being threatened by a dispensing machine!
[Enter HOLLISTER]
[HOLLISTER approaches RIMMER from behind, carrying the tray RIMMER brought
with him to the recovery room. Still railing at the dispenser, RIMMER does
not see him approach]
RIMMER
What are you gonna do, leave a horse's head made out of marzipan in my
bed?
"Oh, mummy, help, help, help! I'm really scared!"
HOLLISTER
Rimmer..?
[RIMMER whirls around and flattens himself against the wall]
HOLLISTER
You forgot your tray...
RIMMER
Thank you, sir.
[HOLLISTER turns to walk away]
DISPENSER
He stole some chocolate! He stole s -
[RIMMER claps his hand across the speaker once more as HOLLISTER turns back
to regard him. The CAPTAIN opens his mouth and points at RIMMER, then
thinks better of it and heads back to his room]
[Exit HOLLISTER]
DISPENSER
You are my nemesis... one day, our paths will cross again, and I - I will
*destroy* you...
RIMMER
And on that day, I will be the Captain of this ship.
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- 7 - Int. Corridors circling Floor 13's central chamber ----------5:30--]
[CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present]
[The trio are walking through corridors on Floor 13]
CAT
It's okay for Mister cushy-working-for-the-Captain-now, but what about
me? All that damned rock!
My back's killing me, bud! Look at my spine, it's so curved, if you threw
it away it'd come back!
Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock! I ain't used to work! But what job do
they give me?
KRYTEN
Er, something to do with rocks, sir?
CAT
Exactly. You know what they've got me doing? I've got to put all the rock
albums on the P.A. system. I've got to change those suckers once every
forty-five minutes! I'm a physical wreck!
Probation's killing me, buds..!
[Exit CAT]
[Thankful for the silence, LISTER notices the piece of card that KRYTEN
carries]
LISTER
What's that?
KRYTEN
Oh, it's just a present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski.
[KRYTEN holds it up for LISTER to see]
LISTER
What, a calendar?
KRYTEN
Mmm. A couple of days ago she was looking at the old calendar and she
said it was the wrong time of the month, so I got her a new one.
I'm going to tell her, the calendar people made a mistake, but let's just
leave this whole 'wrong month' thing behind us; they were stupid, it was
careless, but being grumpy and tearful about it is getting it way out of
proportion.
LISTER
A little word in your audio receiver:
[KRYTEN leans closer, and LISTER whispers into his ear for a few moments.
They separate]
KRYTEN
And this happens to all women? They become cranky and weird, and yet you
never see this in films or on TV... and men are supposed to be in control of
the media..! This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate!
LISTER
Relax, its not a big deal. I'll tell you what to do and how to behave;
everything. Just trust me.
[-- 8 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------7:05--]
[KRYTEN present]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
[KOCHANSKI spots KRYTEN, then glances up at something above him. She does a
double-take and her eyes widen. KRYTEN stands under a large banner that
proclaims: "HAVE A FANTASTIC PERIOD"]
KRYTEN
Ta-daaaa!
Thank goodness for Mister Lister! I nearly made such a fool of myself.
[KRYTEN holds up a single tampon, dangling on its string and adorned with
green ribbons]
KRYTEN
A little present ma'am.
[KOCHANKSI narrows her eyes and nods as if playing along]
KRYTEN
All gift-wrapped.
I hope I chose the right size...
KOCHANSKI
Dave told you to do this, didn't he.
KRYTEN
Ohhh, isn't he wonderful?
KOCHANSKI
Oh yeah. Sometimes he's so cute I could just eat him.
KRYTEN
He explained everything to me so I wouldn't embarrass myself.
[KRYTEN grins and gestures with the tampon]
KOCHANSKI
Come on then, open it! I want you to try it on. Maybe you could do a
little twirl in it?
[KOCHANSKI scowls and glares at KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, how can I put this..?
KRYTEN
Is there something wrong, ma'am?
[KRYTEN pauses for a moment, considering, then quickly lowers his arm]
KRYTEN
He set me up, didn't he. This is absolutely the wrong thing to do when a
woman is having a...
[KRYTEN points upwards towards the last word of the banner]
KRYTEN
Is the banner wrong, too?
[KOCHANSKI nods, quietly]
KOCHANSKI
Oh yeah.
KRYTEN
He was lying!
I've been duped by a master craftsman. Well, two can play at this game!
KOCHANSKI
Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?
KRYTEN
Well, are you sure you have time for this, ma'am? I realise the next few
days are very special for you. Don't you want to be playing tennis alot in
tight, white jeans? Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that. And not
forgetting all that blue stuff you've got to pour over things.
KOCHANSKI
Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back!
KRYTEN
Right, here's my idea...
[KRYTEN lowers his voice and goes through the details quickly, gesturing
exaggeratedly to illustrate the key points]
[-- 9 - Int. Cell ----------------------------------------------Raz--9:04--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
[LISTER and RIMMER are sat at their table, playing draughts. A quiet whistle
is heard, and LISTER looks at his watch]
LISTER
That's Holl, he must want something.
[LISTER prods the watch and transfers HOLLY to the wall monitor]
HOLLY [on viewscreen]
Thought you might like to hear some hot off the press, official insider
information.
There's gonna be a cell inspection in about ten minutes. Keep it under
your hat.
[HOLLY winks conspiratorially, and LISTER nods]
[Enter GUARD]
GUARD
Cell inspection in ten minutes.
[Exit GUARD]
[LISTER glances back to HOLLY]
[-- 10 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:29--]
[HOLLY present]
[HOLLY nods and smiles, pleased with himself]
HOLLY
Told you.
[-- 11 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:33--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
LISTER
Thanks, Holl, it was most helpful.
[-- 12 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:37--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
When it comes to being ahead of the game, I'm your man.
[-- 13 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:42--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
RIMMER
If you don't mind me asking, where did you get that priceless nugget of
information *way* before it got into the public domain?
[-- 14 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:48--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
I've hacked into the ship's computer system; got into the prison log. I've
also managed to get a goosey at the supplies inventory. Discovered stuff in
there that'll make your hair stand on end...
[-- 15 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:59--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
LISTER
What stuff?
[-- 16 - Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------10:01--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
'Brylcreme', it's called. Y' put it on your head, and it makes your hair
stand on end. Apparently we've only got two jars left, so if you need some,
let me know.
As soon as I've got anything else that'll be useful I'll be back.
[-- 17 - Int. Cell -------------------------------------------------10:20--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
RIMMER
See you in about twenty-five years, then.
[HOLLY nods and pulls a sarcastic face, and his image dissolves]
[Exit HOLLY]
[LISTER scratches at his forehead intently]]
LISTER
This little scar's itchy today. Must be all the dust.
RIMMER
You've got a scar? When did you get that?
LISTER
Those complimentary pens that the hospital guys were giving out - y'know,
er, "most accidents happen in the home, so be careful" ones? I accidentally
stabbed m'self in the head with one.
RIMMER
Where were you?
LISTER
I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid or anything.
RIMMER
That's not a scar, that's a nick. *That* is a scar.
[RIMMER points at the small white mark under his jawline]
LISTER
Where did you get that?
RIMMER
From a fight, years ago. Duel.
LISTER
A duel? You? Get out of town!
RIMMER
Not *a* duel; "Duel", the old Steven Spielburg movie. Friend of mine
attacked me with a video case. Some stupid argument about who had the
coolest bicycle clips.
I got him back, though. I peed in his mum's steam iron; he had yellow
t-shirts for a week.
[A buzzing noise issues from a small device on the wall of their cell]
RIMMER
Why's that going off?
[RIMMER crosses to the device and tears off the piece of paper that the
machine has just printed]
RIMMER
It's from Kryten: "Look under the draughts board".
LISTER
Another note...
"Dear Mister Lister, thanks for your wonderful advice regarding Miss
Kochanski. In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash of illegal hooch
and hide it in... your shower"!
"I am laughing as I write this knowing your cell is about to be searched,
and imagining the panic now gripping your soul"!!
[LISTER tears open the shower cubicle and sees several demijohns]
RIMMER
Oh my god!
LISTER
Oh god!
RIMMER
What the hell are we gonna do? We've got an inspection in five minutes!
We're on probation!
LISTER
Down the loo; down the sink.
[LISTER drags one of the demijohns over to their sink and upends the contents
into it]
RIMMER
Baxter's gonna kill us if he finds out we're doing this!
LISTER
The Captain's gonna kill us if we don't!
RIMMER
But Baxter! You've seen what he's like: grizzly bears run screaming from
*him*. Last week he was playing poker, ran out of money - he bet his right
nut on a pair of jacks! A pair of jacks! That's how hard he is.
[A warning light flashes above LISTER's head]
LISTER
Smeg, the tank's full!
RIMMER
What're we gonna do? We've still got two bottles left!
LISTER
We're gonna have to drink it.
RIMMER
Drink it? This Baxter's hooch, it's about three hundred percent proof! A
bottle of this would get the entire Greek navy drunk.
LISTER
It'll put hairs on your chest.
RIMMER
It'll put hairs on your lips! It'll put hairs on your... hairs! It's
lethal.
LISTER
Look, do you wanna get caught in possession of illegal hooch? Get
drinkin'.
RIMMER
Have we got any mixers?
LISTER
You are wetter than a driving instructors handshake, aren't you. Get it
down your gob!
[LISTER takes a tentative sip from one of the bottles. He lowers the bottle
slowly, face slack. He coughs painfully and shuffles hesitantly towards his
chair]
RIMMER
What's it like?
LISTER
It's okay...
[RIMMER takes a wary sip himself. After a moment, his mouth begins to
tremble, followed by the rest of his head. By the time he joins LISTER at
the table, most of his body is convulsing gently. LISTER topples off the
side of his chair and sits down heavily on the floor]
[-- 18 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------13:37--]
[A plain black screen. Text appears:]
"5 minutes sshhlater..."
[-- 19 - Int. Cell -------------------------------------------------13:41--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
[LISTER has managed to regain his seat, but apart from that, nothing has
changed. Both RIMMER and LISTER sit quietly, wobbling gently and looking
decidedly ill]
[Enter ACKERMAN]
ACKERMAN
In-spec-tion!
[ACKERMAN's smile disappears as the pair ignore him, and he glares down at
them]
ACKERMAN
On your feet...
[RIMMER and LISTER do as ordered; or, at least, try. Several long moments
later, both have succeeded in pushing themselves to their feet]
ACKERMAN
Stand by your bunks...
[ACKERMAN moves aside and, with great care, RIMMER and LISTER make a dive
for the bunks, each managing to grab the top bed and hold themselves
upright. ACKERMAN takes a sniff of the demijohn standing on the table,
grimaces, and walks across the room to stand between RIMMER and LISTER in
front of the bunks]
ACKERMAN
You're drunk.
LISTER
Drunk, shir?
[LISTER shakes his head emphatically then finds it difficult to stop]
LISTER
No, sir.
RIMMER
Absolutelly not, sir, no. No, no. No.
[ACKERMAN ponders for a moment]
ACKERMAN
Who fancies a kebab?
LISTER
Oh yeah!
RIMMER
Me, sir, me!
LISTER
Oh smeg... he's shticked us.
[RIMMER passes out and falls stiffly to the floor. LISTER points and
giggles, then thinks hard for a few seconds]
LISTER
Musht've been tshe jshelly shtrifle for lunch, shir. Told him not to go
back for seconds, sir.
[LISTER rests his head against ACKERMAN's shoulder and instantly falls
asleep, snoring softly. ACKERMAN looks out of the cell]
ACKERMAN
Call the medi-bay; we need two stomach pumps.
[ACKERMAN stares at LISTER with disgust]
ACKERMAN
Super-suck...
[-- 20 - Int. Mess hall --------------------------------------------15:29--]
[KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT, other prisoners present]
[Enter BAXTER, two cronies]
KOCHANSKI
It's Baxter...
[BAXTER menaces across the mess hall and leans over the Dwarfer's table]
BAXTER
Your two mates stole my hooch; and when they get out of hospital, and
there's no guards about, this is what's gonna happen to them...
[BAXTER picks up two bread buns from the table in front of CAT and crushes
them in his fists. He giggles insanely]
CAT
You're gonna squeeze their rolls?
That's irritating, but hey, in many ways they'll be quite relieved!
[Exit BAXTER]
KRYTEN
What've I done!?
[-- 21 - Int. Red Dwarf medibay ------------------------------------16:13--]
[LISTER, RIMMER present]
[The pair are laid in hospital beds and hooked up to I.V.'s]
RIMMER
Uaaahhhhh...
[Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN]
[KOCHANSKI is sat in a wheelchair, which KRYTEN is pushing. In an
attempt to look like legitimate patients, both are dressed in white gowns,
KOCHANSKI has a large saucepan apparently stuck over her head, and KRYTEN's
head has been dotted with blue blobs of Blu-tak]
KOCHANSKI
Baxter's out to mash you - you've got to escape. We all have.
KRYTEN
Security's lax, here. If we can make it to the landing bay, and steal a
ship, well, Bob's your Skutter!
RIMMER
Where's the Cat?
KRYTEN
He should be getting himself hospitalised any second.
[-- 22 - Int. Mess hall --------------------------------------------16:40--]
[Three bulky prisoners are sat on a bench beside a table, eating meals from
trays]
[Enter CAT]
[CAT steps over the bench and proceeds to lever himself a space between two
of the men, his elbows, knees and feet all causing the other men obvious
annoyance as he pushes them aside. All three prisoners stare menacingly at
CAT, but say nothing. CAT gestures down the table and speaks to the man
previously in the middle of the three prisoners]
CAT
Pass the salt, would you?
[As the man looks away to get the salt, CAT grabs a handful of fries from
the burly prisoner's tray and stuffs them into his mouth. As he turns back,
the man glances at his lighter tray, then at CAT, who points past him to
the prisoner sat at the end of the table]
CAT
That guy there took some of your fries.
[Despite the ludicrous suggestion, the big man looks at the other prisoner
anyway, who stares back impassively and goes back to his meal while CAT
helps himself to the other man's tray twice more. The burly prisoner stares
at CAT again]
BIG MEAT
What in the hell are you doin' -
[BIG MEAT casts a disdainful eye at CAT's haircut]
BIG MEAT
- Shirley?
[CAT glances at the man's large stomach]
CAT
I'm stealing your fries, fatboy.
[While BIG MEAT looks on incredulously, CAT elbows past him, grabs two more
mouthfuls of fries, steals his drink to wash them down, then picks up his
sausage and bites off a chunk. CAT then grabs the spoon from BIG MEAT's
hand and takes two spoonfuls of the man's trifle before tossing the spoon
down onto the tray]
CAT
Mmm. This is good. Tasty.
[BIG MEAT stares coldly at CAT and speaks slowly and menacingly]
BIG MEAT
There ain't no one more bad-ass *evil* in the whole of hell! What makes
you think you can diss me and live?
CAT
Cos things are changin' 'round here. From now on, marshmallow ass, you're
my bitch!
[Suddenly CAT closes his eyes and thrusts his jaw out at BIG MEAT, who
simply stares at him in amazement]
BIG MEAT
Your what?
CAT
B - I - itch, 'bitch'! That's what you look like; that's what you are!
Understand?
[Again CAT squeezes his eyes shut and thrusts out his jaw, muscles tensed]
[BIG MEAT is motionless for a moment, then suddenly he seems to sag]
BIG MEAT
Okay!
CAT
What?
BIG MEAT
Anyone who tough-talks me gotta be a no-loadin' pug! You want me to be
your bitch, that's *fine* by me! Sir!
CAT
You sure you don't want to just hit me a couple of times, test me out?
BIG MEAT
No, sir! I'm your bitch! From now on I'm your jiggly-wiggly, roll-over,
sweet-patooey, honey-bun missy! I just wan' make you happy!
CAT
Then hit me!
[CAT offers his jaw desperately]
BIG MEAT
And hurt my baby's kisser? Nothin' doin'!
[BIG MEAT puts his huge arms around CAT and smiles broadly. CAT turns away
as much as he can, panic on his face]
CAT
Damn!
[-- 23 - Int. Red Dwarf medi-bay ------------------------------Raz--18:52--]
[LISTER present, RIMMER, NURSE present]
[Exit NURSE]
[Enter CAT]
[CAT presses himself up against the corner he just entered around, checking
behind him to check if the NURSE noticed anything peculiar. It's easy to see
what he's worried about - he is dressed in a nurse's yellow-checked utility
dress and white cap. Satisfied the NURSE has left, CAT totters to LISTER's
bedside on a pair of high heels and pretends to check his pulse. His eyes
closed, LISTER smiles and raises his head, then grimaces in surprise]
CAT
We can't hang around, we've gotta be out of here by five o'clock!
LISTER
What's so special about five o'clock?
CAT
Five o'clock's bed-bath time! And apparently, I'm doin' them!
[-- 24 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------19:20--]
[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]
[KRYTEN unfastens the cover of an access tube set into the wall of the
corridor and the Dwarfers file out]
[-- 25 - Int. Red Dwarf Landing bay 2 ------------------------------19:26--]
[The Dwarfers approach a dark and empty section of corridors leading
towards the landing bay. A short way along a corridor, a film of some
gelatinous, lumpy substance coats the various metal surfaces, and the whole
section steams and drips steadily as the metal corrodes away]
[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER]
KRYTEN
The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes - it's on Red Dwarf!
[Enter RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]
LISTER
How?
RIMMER
The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the one
Talia whatsername arrived on.
LISTER
We've gotta go back and tell them.
RIMMER
But what about our escape?
LISTER
It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now, they've got
a chance to work on an antidote.
RIMMER
You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you?
KOCHANSKI
No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.
RIMMER
Yeah, 'the big picture' involves you, no clothes and a haystack.
[-- 26 - Int. Central chamber, floor 13 ----------------------------20:01--]
[Prisoners, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[HOLLISTER stands on the the first level balcony that circles the chamber
and looks down at the inmates]
HOLLISTER
Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism. As
you probably know, we don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued,
so most of you will be staying behind to die. Oh, there's an apology about
that in the internal mail.
[-- 27 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------20:18--]
[Red Dwarf cruises through space, as several squadrons of Blue Midget and
Starbug transport craft stream away]
[-- 28 - Int. Landing bay 2, corroding corridor --------------------20:28--]
[KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]
[KRYTEN holds a test tube, and gingerly collects a quantity of the dark
brown, jelly-like microbe]
KRYTEN
Just as I thought. Created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass.
CAT
So all we need is a plutonium powered greenhouse and we're home free!
KRYTEN
We need an antidote. Something that can neutralise the corrosive
negativity of the microbe.
LISTER
Something with a corrosive *positivity*?
CAT
So where do we get that?
HOLLY [on LISTER's wristwatch]
There's nothing in Yellow Pages.
KOCHANSKI
A mirror universe! A universe where things are diametrically opposite to
this one. There, negative becomes positive, and a virus becomes an antidote.
[-- 29 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------20:59--]
[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present]
[KRYTEN fusses over a small device he has placed on a platform in the centre
of the room. KRYTEN powers up his machine, and a shimmering beam of light
streams from the unit and into the prism positioned in front of it. The
light emerges on the other side of the prism, circled by diminishing
concentric rings, continuing forward until it strikes a tall mirror hung on
the wall. The mirror 'ripples' as the beam perturbs its surface]
KRYTEN
If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror
universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't
know until we get there.
[LISTER gestures to RIMMER to lead on. Holding the tube of microbes in his
right hand, RIMMER steps through the mirror...]
[-- 30 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:18--]
[RIMMER present]
[...and emerges in a mirror image of the room he just left. RIMMER holds up
the test tube, surprised to see that he now holds it in his left hand, and
that its contents have turned white]
[-- 31 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:22--]
[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
[An angry pop and a flash of sparks come from KRYTEN's machine, and the beam
of light abruptly cuts off. KOCHANSKI, in the act of following RIMMER,
finds herself colliding with a suddenly solid mirror]
[-- 32 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:25--]
[RIMMER present]
[RIMMER notices the mirror solidify behind him and spins around, panicked.
He checks the now-solid surface closely, but there's nothing he can do]
[-- 33 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:28--]
[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
[The machine fizzles and pops, showering sparks and sending a cloud of smoke
spiralling upwards]
KRYTEN
It's overloaded! We've lost Mister Rimmer!
CAT
At last, things are looking up!
LISTER
How long's it going to take to fix that thing?
KRYTEN
Well, best guess, about twenty minutes.
[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:39--]
[RIMMER looks around the room. We see a close up on a TV screen, which is
showing an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is carrying
a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet that kicks its legs and howls
melodramatically.
There is a knock on the door. RIMMER realises what is going on, and dives
to the bed, taking off his boots. The caller knocks again, while RIMMER
finds a blanket tucked behind a pillow on the bed]
[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Corridor outside recovery room ------22:00--]
[CREWMEMBER present]
[Close up: a CREWMEMBER knocks again on the door]
[-- 35 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------22:02--]
[RIMMER has managed to slip under the blanket. The door slides open and
RIMMER hastily grabs the microbe tube and stuffs it under the blanket]
[Enter MIRROR HOLLISTER]
[M.HOLLISTER is carrying a tray with a drink and clipboard on it, and smiles
sycophantically]
M.HOLLISTER
Can I come in, sir?
I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear?
Here's your hot lemon, sir.
[RIMMER takes a sip, before handing the glass back and glancing at the
insignias on M.HOLLISTER's shirt]
RIMMER
Thank you, erm... Private... nobody.
M.HOLLISTER
Oh, er, a few directives to sign, sir.
RIMMER
Of course, laddie.
[RIMMER takes the clipboard and turns to the second page, then scowls]
RIMMER
A free pardon, exonerating you from all crimes?
[RIMMER tears out the false directive and throws it away. M.HOLLISTER exhales
loudly]
M.HOLLISTER
Oohhh, I don't know how that got in there, sir, I, er... I...
RIMMER
Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie?
M.HOLLISTER
Oh, sir, could I? One day, could I be?
RIMMER
No, I don't think you could.
[RIMMER takes a pen and tries to sign a directive, but his arm refuses to
control the pen properly]
RIMMER
Of course, it's a mirror universe, everything's opposite...
[RIMMER puts the pen in his left hand and signs the directive. Suddenly, a
thought occurs to him and he grins excitedly. Lifting the blanket, he
glances downwards, stares intently for a few moments and swallows]
RIMMER
My God... this is gonna take some getting used to...
[Enter MIRROR TALIA]
M.TALIA
They said it was okay to drop by...
You look wonderful...
RIMMER
So do you...
[To M.HOLLISTER:] That'll be all, shambles.
M.HOLLISTER
Yes, sir.
M.TALIA
You made Captain -
[Exit MIRROR HOLLISTER]
M.TALIA
You've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps.
RIMMER
So have I!
M.TALIA
Let me kiss you.
[As M.TALIA leans forward, RIMMER grabs her eagerly and presses her lips to
his in a passionate kiss. Immediately, though, the woman tries to squirm
away, making muffled protests. RIMMER realises the problem and releases
her]
M.TALIA
What are you doing!?
RIMMER
I'm giving you a big, wet snog, with oodles of Tommy-tongue!
M.TALIA
But I'm your sister!
[Shock paints RIMMER's face, and he sits bolt upright in the bed]
RIMMER
Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you. I, erm...
M.TALIA
You French-kissed me!
RIMMER
No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgium-kissed you. I - I - I... urrrgghh...
I've been really ill... You're the Captain's sister?
[RIMMER begins to hyperventilate, then passes out. Seconds later, he lets
out an abrupt groan and sits up again]
RIMMER
Oh, my god, what a terrible dream!
Oh, hi, sis! It's me, Arnie, your bro! Get your big ol' lumpy bum down
here and give'us a big hug!
[RIMMER reaches out, catching M.TALIA's nose between his fingers playfully
and shaking her head, but she pulls her nose free and backs away, appalled]
M.TALIA
Captain Rimmer! I am Sister Talia Garrett; your personal spiritual
advisor!
[M.TALIA lets out a strained whimper and flees]
[Exit M.TALIA]
RIMMER
Sis! Sister... whoever you are!
Oh, smeg!
[-- 36 - Int. Mirror universe, Science office ----------------------24:50--]
[MIRROR KOCHANSKI present]
[M.KOCHANSKI sits at a desk engrossed in a magazine. In this mirror
universe, she has tumbling blonde curls, and is wearing a pink satin
blouse]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
Excuse me?
M.KOCHANSKI
Yes?
[M.KOCHANSKI speaks in a nasal voice, and doesn't look up from her magazine]
RIMMER
I wonder, could you tell me what this is?
[M.KOCHANSKI frowns at the tube RIMMER holds up]
M.KOCHANSKI
You'll have to ask the professor, then. He does all that stupid, sciencey
brain-box type stuff.
[A door, marked 'HAZARD AREA' mirrored backwards, swings open]
[Enter MIRROR CAT]
[The MIRROR CAT is wearing a tweed suit, bow tie and glasses, and wears his
hair in a short afro cut]
M.CAT
Somebody call?
RIMMER
Professor!?
M.CAT
Yes, Captain?
RIMMER
Perhaps you could help me. What's this?
[RIMMER hands him the test tube, which M.CAT sniffs]
M.CAT
Hmm.
[M.CAT glances at the tube under a microscope, then holds it up once more
and frowns at the contents]
M.CAT
Hmmm, its an alkali.
RIMMER
Oh yes? What's it called?
M.CAT
Soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide.
You look surprised.
RIMMER
I never thought I'd ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me?
M.CAT
Certainly.
[To M.KOCHANSKI:] Can I have an extremely *long* piece of paper, my dear?
[-- 37 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------25:36--]
[The mirror universe machine has apparently been fixed. It sends its beam
through the mirror once more, and is working well enough to allow RIMMER's
leg to pass through the glass, quickly followed by the rest of him]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER is holding the piece of paper with the formula, but appears to have
left his test tube behind. As he enters the room fully, the beam of light
from KRYTEN's machine fades away and disappears]
RIMMER
The antidote; I did it!
[RIMMER quickly realises that the room is empty. More worryingly, red
warning lights pulse over the metal walls of the corridor outside.
[-- 38 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room -----------------------25:44--]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from
ruptured pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship
trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all
around. RIMMER pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in
panic]
RIMMER
Wha - Where is everyone?
DISPENSER
They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You're
the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I *suppose* that makes
you Captain - congratulations, Cap.
RIMMER
Smeg off!
[-- 39 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------26:05--]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER dashes back into the recovery room but realises that the device is
off and the doorway to the mirror universe is closed. He glances at t</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-91055381741864648872012-11-01T10:06:00.003-07:002012-11-01T10:06:35.593-07:00Season 8 Episode 7, Peter Part 2<pre>[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 7 -- PETE, part 2
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.3
5 - 6 April, 1999
Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
http://www.matrixcity.org
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
"Last time on Red Dwarf"
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Several crewmembers stand stock-still. A pingpong game was obviously in
progress, too. Two crewmen are hunched over the table, and the ball hangs
motionless and unsupported in the air just in front of one of the players]
[Enter LISTER, RIMMER, BIRDMAN]
[BIRDMAN has found a cage for PETE, and carries it with him]
RIMMER
What happenned to everyone?
LISTER
It's like they're all frozen on the spot.
RIMMER
Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her.
LISTER
Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy!
[LISTER plucks the pingpong ball from mid-air, tosses it up in the air and
catches it then pockets it]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KOCHANSKI
We've found this machine that can digitise Time, and we can release jets
of it [...]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN
It seems to have restored your hair to a previous Time period to the rest
of you.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
CAT
[...] It was an accident!
[Spinning CAT around, BAXTER shoves him head first through the dispensing
hatch, before addressing the voice-recognition unit]
BAXTER
Hot Bovril!
CAT
Aaaagghhh!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
CAT
[...] Fix him with the Time wand!
KRYTEN
Watch this!
[KRYTEN zaps BAXTER's dinner tray, turning the man's cooked chicken into
something alive and clucking. Startled, BAXTER sweeps the chicken off the
table, turning to glare at his pals who are laughing loudly. He elbows the
man beside him in the face]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
BIRDMAN
And this is Pete.
[...]
BIRDMAN
The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im!
LISTER
He really loved that bird, it was only thing that kept him going.
KRYTEN
I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think the Time Wand could bring him
back to life; make him young and strong again.
Watch:
[KRYTEN taps instructions into the Time Wand, then zaps Pete's cage. There's
is a huge explosion - the bird disappears, and Birdman is sent sprawling,
losing his glasses in the process. As Birdman scrabbles around on the
floor, and the Dwarfers stand over the smoking remains of the cage, there
is a resounding boom as a gargantuan, scaly foot slams down onto the deck]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Roaring menacingly, a massive Tyranosaurus Rex towers above the amazed
humans, who begin backpeddling almost unconsciously]
LISTER
Where the *hell* did Barney's ugly brother come from??
KRYTEN
From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod
family. I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years!
[...]
[Still without his glasses, Birdman suddenly finds a large, bird's foot-like
object scant inches from his face. He reaches out and fumbles at Pete's
smooth central claw]
BIRDMAN
[...] Is that you, Pete?
KOCHANSKI
Birdman!
[Pete eats BIRDMAN]
KRYTEN
What now, sir?
RIMMER
Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN
Hey! Hey! Pete, eat me! Here!
Bob! Bob, catch!
[KRYTEN throws the TIme Wand to the SKUTTER, who catches it in its claw]
LISTER
Bob!
[Pete, towing over the Skutter, leans down and swallows the robot whole]
KRYTEN
Bob!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
LISTER
Come on Kryten, hurry up!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Inside Pete, BOB the SKUTTER breaks the surface of a vat of stomach acids,
waggling his empty claw momentarily, BOB lowers himself into the depths
once more]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[LISTER holds open the large food bay doors long enough for KRYTEN to dash
through, then seals them closed. Pete bashes his head against them, and
they buckle as if made of rubber]
KRYTEN
Leg it mode, sir!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]
LISTER
We've lost the time wand.
CAT
How the hell're we going to get rid of that thing now?
RIMMER
We're finished!
LISTER
Stop yelling, man, we've gotta think our way out of this.
RIMMER
We're finished!
LISTER
Shut up and get a grip, man!
RIMMER
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just - I was - Look, I'm better now.
Can I just say one thing?
LISTER
Yeah, go on.
RIMMER
We're finished!
LISTER
Holl, we need some advice, man. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was
formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody
Woodpecker is in it's stomach. What's your take on the situation?
HOLLY
What do you want, the long or the short version?
LISTER
Ooh... long.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLY
You're finished.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
CAT
What's the short version??
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLY
'Bye.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KOCHANSKI
Kryten?
KRYTEN
Er, yes, ma'am?
KOCHANSKI
How long, in the normal course of things, will it take for Pete to pass
the Time Wand out of his system?
KRYTEN
Well, strangely enough, ma'am, I don't have that information in my
database. My programmers, for some insane reason, decided that 'dinosaur
bowel movement frequency' tables wouldn't be required. Imbeciles!
LISTER
Why? What's your suggestion?
KOCHANSKI
Well, the quicker we get the Time Wand back, the better, right?
LISTER
Right.
KOCHANSKI
Right. So, why don't we lure Pete into the food bay and get him to eat
some roughage!
CAT
Get a T-Rex to eat roughage?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah! All-Bran, prunes, baked beans on toast, that sort of stuff.
RIMMER
We can't even get Lister to eat that sort of stuff, let alone a seven-ton
dinosaur!
KOCHANSKI
Look, the more roughage, the quicker we get the Time Wand back. Have you
got any better ideas?
RIMMER
Yes, I have got a better idea, actually. I'm going to kill myself.
LISTER
We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead.
RIMMER
Keep him quiet? He's rampaging about the food decks making more noise
than two yodelling champions on honeymoon!
Everyone on the ship will have heard him by now.
KRYTEN
But, sir, the crew are frozen, operating on a different Time stream. Now,
if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before
the freeze expires, no one need be any the wiser.
CAT
He's right. I just listened to everthing he said and I still ain't got a
clue what's happenning.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[SKUTTER catches buttons on the Time Wand and unfreezes the crew]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[CAT is at the controls of a JMC fork-lift truck, and KRYTEN shouts
directions. The Dwarfers have converted a huge, bright yellow, inflatable
dinghy into a temporary food bowl - a large 'D I N O' has been scrawled on
the side, and the thing is full to the brim with hideous brown watery
substance]
KRYTEN
Right over, sir. We don't want a gap. Right over.
[CAT throws a lever, and the fork-lift lowers a frozen whole cow slowly into
the mixture]
RIMMER
Cow vindaloo? It's not gonna work.
LISTER
Of course it's gonna work.
RIMMER
T-Rex's don't like curry.
LISTER
They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries. If a T-Rex was a
bloke he'd be a Geordie. The kind of guy who wears t-shirts in the middle of
winter and his nipples don't even get hard.
RIMMER
A seven-ton Theropod is not going to eat Indian food. They like flesh.
Preferably living, liberally coated in blood with a side-order of
intestines, and an extra portion of blood.
A bit like the French in that respect.
LISTER
Look, we've got nothing to lose. And if the worst comes to the worst, and
the dino doesn't it, I'll scoff it myself.
[Pete suddenly breaks a foot through the bottom of the once-sealed doors]
LISTER
That door's not gonna hold out much longer.
RIMMER
If only that damn T-Rex felt like I do now; he wouldn't even *need* a
curry.
[CAT and KRYTEN are pouring bags of bran into the jerry-rigged food bowl]
LISTER
Don't put that stuff in, you're gonna spoil the taste!
KOCHANSKI
Here he comes!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Pete takes an experimental sniff at the contents of the bowl, then begins
slurping noisily]
LISTER
It's loving it!
Maybe we should have made some poppadums, gone the whole hog?
CAT
The whole hog? Like it wasn't hard enough getting the whole cow?
[Pete raises his head high and shakes it]
LISTER
I think he wants a lager.
[Pete abruptly stops moving, then lowers his head slowly. Suddenly, his eyes
bug out, his nostrils flare and lets out a piercing screech]
LISTER
It was a hot one, but with it being a dino I thought it could stand it!
[Yowling piteously, Pete stomps back and forth looking for relief. Finally
he smashes through an iron wall and disappears from view]
[Enter GUARDS]
KRYTEN
The Time freeze on the guards must have... If only those buttons were
more clearly marked!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
The rules about dinosaurs aboard JMC mining ships are very clear. No pets.
Am I right? Am I right!?
RIMMER, LISTER
Yes, sir.
HOLLISTER
Have you any idea the damage that thing has caused?
RIMMER, LISTER
No, sir.
HOLLISTER
It has eaten our entire supply - two and a half tons - of mint-choc ice
cream. I *love* mint-choc ice cream, and that damn dino has eaten every last
bit.
RIMMER
We were just trying to get the Time Wand back, sir.
HOLLISTER
It has also eaten four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and drank all
the Coca-Cola. Guess what?
RIMMER
You love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola, sir?
HOLLISTER
I love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola.
LISTER
Sir, if you could just let us -
HOLLISTER
And do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, and then
eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred
crates of orange ice-pops, and swills the whole thing down with two thousand
gallons of a popular fizzy drink? Do you know what happens?
LISTER
It burps?
HOLLISTER
Oh, it burps. And do you know what happenned to the poor brave men who had
the misfortune to get in the way of that burp?
RIMMER
They went 'phwoooarrr!'?
HOLLISTER
It took out the entire platoon, hurling them twenty feet across the cargo
bay wall.
RIMMER
Sir, I hope this one, small dinosaur incident won't tarnish an otherwise
flawless service record, sir.
HOLLISTER
Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, two and a half
tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange
ice-pops, and swills it all down with two thousand gallons of a popular
fizzy drink, *after* it's burped?
RIMMER
It feels sick?
HOLLISTER
Oh no! It doesn't *feel* sick, Rimmer - it *is* sick!
Five of our best men nearly drowned! Two others are in hospital, concussed
by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.
LISTER
We are really, deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir.
HOLLISTER
Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo, then
eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by -
LISTER
Oh god, it didn't?
HOLLISTER
It didn't what, Lister?
LISTER
It didn't get a diarrhea attack, did it?
HOLLISTER
One hundred percent correct! And, do you know what happenned to the
battalion that was sneaking up on the beast - from behind - of which I was
a proud member? Do ya know? Do ya know what happenned?
RIMMER
Got a fair idea, sir.
LISTER
Yes, sir. A fair idea, sir.
HOLLISTER
A tidal wave. Fifteen feet high. I will be in therapy for the rest of my
life. I've had twelve baths, and three showers.
Now, do you have *anything* to say?
RIMMER
Yes, sir, I think you missed a bit up your left nostril, sir.
[HOLLISTER picks up the Time Wand from his desk]
HOLLISTER
No one knows how to work this thing.
It is sedated in the cargo bay - turn it back into a sparrow!
LISTER
Sir, erm, what about Bob? Did he show up?
HOLLISTER
Who the hell do you think landed on my head? He is in repairs, being
oiled.
Bring back the sparrow, and, if you try anything smart, you're dead.
RIMMER, LISTER
Yes, sir.
HOLLISTER
And, if I ever, ever, *ever*, see you in this office again, you are
finished. See ya in ten minutes?
[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]
HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?
[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]
HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?
[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]
HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?
[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]
HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?
[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]
HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KOCHANSKI
Did you get punishment duty too?
KRYTEN
I've got to iron eight-hundred prison smocks. I don't understand...
KOCHANSKI
Ohh...
KRYTEN
Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward?
Eight-hundred! Bliss!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
LISTER
Did you see the Captain's report? The one lying open on his desk? See what
it said about you?
He used the word 'imbecile' four times in one sentence.
RIMMER
Oh yeah? What were the other words in the sentence?
LISTER
Just your name, and a dash.
RIMMER
I don't know, you make a couple of tiny mistakes - you give the Captain a
virus that eats all his hair off, then you accidentally turn a sparrow into
a dinosaur and you never hear the last of it!
Pssshhhhh. He really thinks I'm an imbecile? I'm finished, I'm never going
to make it into High Command now.
LISTER
It's just the people who know you who think you're an imbecile. Everyone
else thinks you're a moron.
[Enter HOLLISTER]
[RIMMER, facing away from the door, does not realise. LISTER spots him, and
begins dropping meaningful glances in the man's direction]
LISTER
He is a good Captain, though, Captain Hollister, isn't he, eh? On the
ball. Quick.
[LISTER surreptitiously points over RIMMER's shoulder, but RIMMER isn't
looking at him]
RIMMER
Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar.
LISTER
You do admire him though, don't you?
RIMMER
Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick-and-mix factory in his
quarters? A man who has a walk-in fridge? Who lists as his hobbies 'chewing'
and 'swallowing'?
LISTER
You did tell me once before, though, you do respect *him*, don't ya?
LISTER
Respect him? A man who's family crest is made up of two cream buns and a
profitarole? A man who's idea of a light snack --
He's standing behind me, isn't he?
HOLLISTER
Yes, he is.
[RIMMER leaps to his feet and stands to attention]
RIMMER
I was just talking about you, sir. I was saying what a big fat lump of
blubber I think you are, and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday
doesn't appear to have had any strange side-effects whatsoever -
[RIMMER suddenly appears to be seized by a spasm. His head tosses wildly
and he makes unintelligable sounds as his lips and cheeks flap. HOLLISTER
watches and waits, unimpressed]
HOLLISTER
You forgot this. You left it in my office. D'you have any idea the damage
that this could cause if it got into the wrong hands?
LOOK AFTER IT!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]
[KOCHANSKI is crouched over on her floor, staring under her bunk and poking
a broom into the dark corners beneath]
KOCHANSKI
You're there, I *know* you're there, you little sod!
Come on, out! Out!
[Enter KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
There's a mouse under here, its been scuttling around for about ten
minutes.
KRYTEN
It's not a mouse, ma'am, it's Archie.
KOCHANSKI
Archie?
KRYTEN
My penis. It must have escaped.
KOCHANSKI
You know, I'm really going to have to get my ears syringed; do you know
what that sounded like to me?
KRYTEN
I made one.
KOCHANSKI
Forget my ears, maybe my whole *brain* needs syringing... You made one?
KRYTEN
Mmm. Out of an old electron board, a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic
and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, why do you want one?
KRYTEN
It's so humiliating, being posted to the Women's Wing just because I'm
genitally challenged! So I decided to make one like Mister Lister's.
Little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop and made
a break for it during the night.
KOCHANSKI
No wonder I couldn't lure him out with a bit of cheese. This whole thing's
making sense now.
KRYTEN
Just leave this to me, ma'am.
Here, Archie! Here, boy!
KOCHANSKI
There he is!
[A small, gibbering critter suddenly hurls itself out and across the floor,
tears around the room like a miniature whirlwind and shoots back under the
bunk, where KRYTEN traps it under a bucket. Undeterred, the gibbering thing
nudges the bucket out from under the bunk, lurches around for a moment,
then whizzes out of the cell door and down a corridor]
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, do you realise what this means?
KRYTEN
No, ma'am.
KOCHANSKI
It means you're a real man.
KRYTEN
It does? Why?
KOCHANSKI
Because now, like all men, you have absolutely no control over your penis.
KRYTEN
I'm so proud!
Archie, come back!
[Enter GUARD]
GUARD
All right, girls? New Canary mission.
KOCHANSKI
What?
GUARD
Un-tamed dino on the loose!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KOCHANSKI
We're not going in 'till we know what we're doing.
RIMMER
That could take years...
[KOCHANSKI spots LISTER toying with the Time Wand]
KOCHANSKI
You... point that thing at yourself and you could end up as a - a - sperm!
Is that what you want?
CAT
Hell no! None of my suits will fit!
KILL CRAZY
Well, if that gizmo thing don't work, Captain says we gotta go in and 'ave
that thing.
BAXTER
And we ain't usin' no guns.
KILL CRAZY
Yeah, huns are for wusses. It's gonna be hand-to-hand combat.
[KILL CRAZY performs a few amateur martial arts moves]
RIMMER
A fistfight with T-Rex..?
KILL CRAZY
Yeah, but them T-Rexes, mate... only got little arms, in't they... ain't
got no reach... Yeah, I'll just pick it off...
Bosh!
[KILL CRAZY enthusiastically punches the air a few times]
BAXTER
Can't reach anyfin' with them little arms.
RIMMER
That's probably why they're always a bit grumpy...
[RIMMER mimes trying to reach down his body with a T-Rex's small forearms]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[The Dwarfers, with their Canary troop, scramble along a corridor]
[Suddenly, CAT pulls up short, shock and terror on his face]
CAT
Oh my god..!
KOCHANSKI
What!
CAT
Something's wrong!
LISTER
What d'you mean, man??
CAT
Something's inside me and it wants to get out!
KOCHANSKI
Oh my god!
CAT
Aaaarrggg! Help!!
[Tearing his clothes open, CAT sinks to the ground and falls onto his back.
sure enough, a strange, gibbering thing is wiggling around under CAT's
shirt]
RIMMER
What is it??
KRYTEN
I think it's Archie, sir.
LISTER
It's who?
KOCHANSKI
He escaped earlier - probably followed us. Must have dozed off in the
Cat's pocket and just woken up.
LISTER
Who the smeg is Archie?
KRYTEN
Oh, don't be alarmed, sir. It's just my penis is on the loose.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KILL CRAZY, BAXTER
Yaaarrrggg!!
[The crazed pair leap out from the wall of the corridor, separating RIMMER
and LISTER from the others, and squaring off with them]
BAXTER
We, want a barny with Barney - don't want any sane people spoilin' it...
KILL CRAZY
Death... or glory... yee-harr!
LISTER
Hang on guys, come on, wait a minute...
[BAXTER grabs the TIme Wand from Lister, and grunts ineffectually as he
stabs buttons stupidly on its control panel. Sparks and spurts of blue
electrical light splash over RIMMER and LISTER, apparently without effect]
BAXTER
This thing's useless!
[BAXTER tosses the Time Wand over his shoulder. BAXTER grabs LISTER's face
and pulls him close to his own. KILL CRAZY similarly grabs RIMMER]
BAXTER
Say goodbye to your teeth...
[BAXTER draws his fist back and punches LISTER solidly in the mouth, but
then grabs his hand, wincing in pain as LISTER doesn't move. He punches
again, with as little effect as his first]
LISTER
Something's not right... we're gettin' our butts kicked and it doesn't
hurt..?
[BAXTER lands a third punch on LISTER's mouth, still with no effect]
LISTER
See, look, I'm not even bleeding.
[KILL CRAZY tries his luck, landing a fist first in RIMMER's gut, then
across his mouth. RIMMER looks at him disdainfully]
RIMMER
You're right...
[BAXTER tries a change of tactics, grabs LISTER by his lapels and tries
pushing him backwards. After a few seconds gasping, he gives up. KILL CRAZY
tries the same on RIMMER, also to no avail. Simultaneously, the two psychos
land a stomach punch then a cross to the jaws of LISTER and RIMMER, then
stare incredulously as the pair grin back at them]
[KRYTEN is checking the Time Wand's control panel]
KRYTEN
According to this, sirs, they've put your bodies on a different Time
stream to the rest of you.
BAXTER
Let's go!
[KILL CRAZY and BAXTER turn and sprint away, passing KRYTEN and snatching
the Time Wand from his hands as they pass. Several other Canaries follow
them]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. -</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-8873253672549345582012-11-01T10:06:00.000-07:002012-11-01T10:06:03.851-07:00Season 8, Episode 6. Pete Part 1<pre>[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 6 -- PETE, part 1
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.4
26 March, 1999
Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
http://www.matrixcity.org
Credits for corrections:
Brett Dunbar
[-- 1 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- 2 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- 3 - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, GOVENOR ACKERMAN present]
[ENTER LISTER, RIMMER]
HOLLISTER
I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much respected
officer yesterday.
RIMMER
That is just not true, sir. We played a prank on Mister Ackerman, sir -
Oh, I *see*...
HOLLISTER
What happenned?
LISTER
We inserted a capsule of the truth serum, sodium pentathol, into his
asthma inhaler, sir.
HOLLISTER
Ah, which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologised for
being late, saying he'd been having 'jiggy-jiggy' with the Science Officer's
wife, and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit...
RIMMER
Permission to snigger, sir?
HOLLISTER
Permission refused.
RIMMER
May have to snigger anyway, sir...
[The pair bow their heads and proceed to do just that]
HOLLISTER
Do either of you have anything to say?
LISTER
About what, sir?
HOLLISTER
About Mister Ackerman! About him being late, and wearing a Batman outfit?
LISTER
Has he considered being Tarzan? Costume change'd be much quicker.
HOLLISTER
You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig. Do you *want* to
get out? Ever?
LISTER
It's that Mister Ackerman's so... ... *horrible*, sir.
ACKERMAN
I am *not*, sir! I'm extremely nice! Lovely, in fact. Warm; caring, but
most of all, nice. Hence my nickname: 'Nicey' Ackerman. That's why I entered
the service, sir; so I could share my sunny disposition with *inmate scum*
who didn't have my start in life.
RIMMER
Sir, he's been horrible since the day we first met him:
[-- 4 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Flashback to the Dwarfer's first day in the Tank. The inmates are lined
up at the base of a circular chamber]
ACKERMAN
Today, we have a new intake. To them, I say: obey the rules; keep out of
trouble, and you time here will pass much more pleasantly. Welcome to Floor
13.
CAT
Seems like a nice guy!
[ACKERMAN steps up to CAT, suddenly elbows him in the stomach, thumps him
several times with his nightstick, then hauls him to his to his feet]
ACKERMAN
If you want to speak, ask my permission.
CAT
I was just saying how nice you seemed!
ACKERMAN
You spoke again.
[Enter WARDEN KNOT]
[ACKERMAN and KNOT proceed to beat CAT with fists and nightsticks, drawing
winces from RIMMER and LISTER. ACKERMAN draws CAT upright again]
CAT
But I was paying you a compliment, buddy! I was saying how you seemed to
be a fair-minded, okay kind of guy; not one of these psycho-types you
sometimes get running around prisons.
[ACKERMAN seems concerned that somehow he is being misunderstood, but this
soon passes in favour of an amused smile]
ACKERMAN
You spoke again!
[He and KNOT lay into the clueless feline once more. A guard from the rear
of the lines joins in. CAT struggles to reach up and tap LISTER on the
shoulder]
CAT
Come on, dude, back me up!
[LISTER does his best to ignore events, and left to his own devices, CAT
suddenly realises something]
CAT
Hang on, wait! I get it, I should shut up! If I shut up they'll stop
hitting me.
[CAT takes a deep breath and exaggeratedly clamps his mouth shut. Instantly
his assailants stop their blows. ACKERMAN nods approvingly, sets CAT back
onto his feet and stands him back in line. CAT smiles with satisfaction at
working out this conundrum]
CAT
That is definitely the key!
[CAT is grabbed from behind by ACKERMAN, KNOT and the guard, and a second
GUARD steps in to assist in the renewed pummeling]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[HOLLISTER, ACKERMAN, RIMMER, LISTER present]
ACKERMAN
That is totally untrue, sir!
HOLLISTER
Save it.
ACKERMAN
What actually happenned -
HOLLISTER
Save it! Save it, Mister Ackerman.
I've thought long and hard about a suitable punishment, and I've come up
with this: you, and a team of your choice, will play Basketball against a
team of guards led by Mister Ackerman -
ACKERMAN
God bless you, sir.
HOLLISTER
- where you will be trounced and humiliated in front of the entire inmate
population.
RIMMER
But sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp!
HOLLISTER
You better win, then!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--]
[Lister's team losing badly, guards body-checking and punching them]
[Half-time sounds]
[Score 48-3 to guards]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Okay guys, way to go!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN
Where were you?
KOCHANSKI
Where was I?
KRYTEN
You were supposed to be picking up Rice!
KOCHANSKI
I did. We're meeting up for drinks on Thursday.
KRYTEN
Not that kind of 'picking up', you ninny.
CAT
Buddies, we've gotta stop arguing, we can't lose this!
LISTER
Got it all taken care of...
RIMMER
As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice...
LISTER
Yeah, the Skutters managed to smuggles something out of the medi-lab for
us, y'know that stuff that helps impotent guys put the zest back in their
love lives?
KRYTEN
'Boing!', the virility enhancement drug!?
LISTER
That's the stuff, and we've Mickey Finn'd their drinks.
RIMMER
Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation, and, it doesn't
wear off for seven hours.
KRYTEN
For seven hours those guys are going to be like catapults!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN [OOS]
That's going to seriously slow them down.
CAT [OOS]
You're not kidding -
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
CAT
Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Get out there and kill! They're lambs to the slaughter!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Go on, go get 'em!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Dwarfer's team running rings round guards, who can't stand straight or move
fast]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Come on! Get your hands up!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[48-5]
[48-19]
[48-36]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Get your hands up, don't let them shoot! Don't let them shoot!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[48-42]
[48-49]
[48-53]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Thoroughly depressed, HOLLISTER takes a long draw from a guard's bottle of
juice, and within seconds notices a distinct feeling of movement in his
trousers]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[Enter RIMMER, LISTER]
HOLLISTER
Seven hours. Do you know how *long* that is? I couldn't remove my shorts
until after midnight! When I wanted a leak I had to do a handstand on the
toilet seat. I stopped the lift doors from closing; I wasn't even catching a
lift!
Where'd you get it, the medi-lab?
LISTER
Yes, sir.
HOLLISTER
How? If it was one of those damn Skutters I'm gonna have it crushed.
LISTER
It was, er - [coughs]
It was me, sir. When the doc's back was turned. I went up to the medi-lab
for a sicknote but the doctor thought I was feigning illness. He didn't
accept it was possible to have Athelete's Hand.
HOLLISTER
First thing tomorrow you're on spud-duty for two weeks. Now get out of my
sight, both of ya's...
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
[RIMMER has a draughts board in front of him on the table; he makes a three-
hop move, removes the captured pieces and glances over toward LISTER]
RIMMER
Ha!
[RIMMER carefully rotates the board 108-degrees, and flexes his arms before
settling down to contemplate his opposing move. LISTER is sprawled out on
his bunk, a pen hovering over the book he is looking at]
LISTER
Sheesh...
RIMMER
Stuck?
LISTER
Yeah... God, this is hard!
RIMMER
What are you doing, a crossword?
LISTER
No, join-the-dots.
RIMMER
What number are you stuck on?
LISTER
Hundred and twenty-four.
RIMMER
Hundred and twenty-four... hundred and twenty-four...
Have you tried a-hundred and twenty-five?
LISTER
I know the number, you gimboid, it's finding it that's the hard bit. I'm
not some brain-dead simpleton.
Ah! There it is.
Oh, look at that! It's a bucket and spade!
[LISTER holds the completed picture up for RIMMER's inspection]
LISTER
Look at that, it's clever that, innit?
[Enter GUARD]
RIMMER
Ah! Supper!
[Exit GUARD]
RIMMER
Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure.
RIMMER
I've seen things more appetising on the floor of elephant houses. Only a
total idiot would eat this.
[RIMMER ponders for a moment, then takes a forkful]
RIMMER
They call this meat?? My grandmothers buttocks deep-fried in chip fat
would taste better than this.
LISTER
We're on a punishment menu now. No chips, no ice-cream, just the basics.
RIMMER
Because we're on punishment detail?
LISTER
Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons they give us the cloning experiments that have
gone wrong, with some gravy slopped over to disguise it.
RIMMER
You waited until I was swallowing 'til you said that, didn't you.
LISTER
He swears blind the other day he got something with two noses in it.
RIMMER
Course he didn't. They can't do that, it's illegal.
LISTER
His starter sneezed! Jimbo Steele was a witness.
RIMMER
Kill Crazy's insane, he's got lots of strange ideas. He reckons, every
time they flush a loo on a plane it drops straight out, and that's why they
don't let you go to the lav when the plane's standing on the runway: for
fear of skid starts.
[LISTER thinks about this, and shrugs]
LISTER
He's probably right.
RIMMER
Course he isn't.
LISTER
Well why else wouldn't they let you go, then?
RIMMER
I don't know. Maybe they're helping you break up your journey. If they let
you go to the loo first off, you'd have nothing to do after you'd eaten your
cheese.
LISTER
Nah, Kill Crazy's probably right. That's why houses under the flightpath
are always so cheap.
RIMMER
Cos of all the flushing planes?
LISTER
Yeah, well, think about it: you can't sunbathe, you can't hav</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-42518001636847774182012-11-01T10:05:00.000-07:002012-11-01T10:05:04.760-07:00Season 8 Episode 5, Krytie TV.<pre>[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 5 -- KRYTIE TV
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.4
19-22 March, 1999
Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
http://www.matrixcity.org
[-- 1 - Int. The Tank, womens wing ----------------------------------x:xx--]
[GUARD present]
[Several female prisoners troup along a corridor and proceed into the
women's wing.
[Enter KRYTEN]
[KRYTEN brings up the rear, and pauses by the large sign that proclaims the
nature of their location. He glances around, obviously reluctant to enter,
but eventually does so under the stony stare of the female guard]
[Exit KRYTEN]
[-- 2 - Int. The Tank, womens wing, gymnasium -----------------------x:xx--]
[A group of female prisoners dressed in grey t-shirts and skirts are
skipping, more or less in unison. KRYTEN is also a part of the group,
dressed in similar clothes, and is scowling unhappily]
[-- 3 - Int. KOCHANSKI's cell ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- 4 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KRYTEN stands sulkily in the showers with the girls, holding an umbrella
and trying to read a book]
[-- 5 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
Inside the Tank.
[-- 6 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER present]
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
The post's arrived.
RIMMER
Brilliant; a bit of excitement at last.
LISTER
Good, eh? It's a beaut. One of the structured collepsed on m' bed. I think
it was those beans.
Oh, the mail.
Haven't had a chance to look. Anything from my mates?
RIMMER
Don't think so - there's nothing here in orange crayon with half the
letters backwards.
LISTER
Anything for you?
RIMMER
Just the usual. A couple of death threats... and I'm in the Reader's
Digest Lucky Dip. Apparently I'm 'one of the special few selected for their
Lucky Dip' -
LISTER
That'll be you and the other twelve zillion people then, will it?
RIMMER
- I've won either a holiday in Mauritious[sp], a soft-top sports car, or a
fabulous matching set of egg-cups.
"Scrape with a coin to discover which."
I've won the holiday!
LISTER
What?
RIMMER
Three million years into Deep Space, where I can't claim it, and I go
and win a smegging holiday in Mauritious!
Oh, they're taking the smeg...
LISTER
What now?
RIMMER
I've won the lottery as well.
"To collect your cheque simply bring your winning ticket to Lottery House,
24 Argyle Street." Four million!
No luck, that's my problem. No luck at all.
LISTER
It's just a wind up from the guards, to sap our morale.
RIMMER
Here's one for you.
LISTER
Who from?
RIMMER
Petersen.
My God, that is tragic.
LISTER
What's happenned to him, has he died?
RIMMER
Died? You think he'd write and tell you?
LISTER
No, you're right, you're right, you're right. I'm not thinking
straight. He'd be too busy with his funeral and everything, wouldn't he.
What's happenned to him?
RIMMER
Something catastophic, hideous.
He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here.
LISTER
Brilliant!
Are you okay?
RIMMER
Of course I'm not okay! I hate your guitar! If I wanted to share a cell
with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap
star.
LISTER
I didn't realise you thought I was that bad..?
RIMMER
Didn't you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you?
LISTER
You would have stood a better chance if you'd used the neck-end...
Anyway, you were revising; you always get a bit uptight when you're
revising.
Hey come on, come on, what about the Om Song? That was a classic!
/"Ommmmm - Ommmmm"/
RIMMER
People who heard that formed self-help groups.
LISTER
Don't give me that, they played my demo on hospital radio.
RIMMER
Yes, and three patients came out of comas, packed their bags and went home.
[Enter GUARD]
[The GUARD carries a black electric guitar, which he hands to LISTER]
[Exit GUARD]
LISTER
Hey-hey! The axe-man is *back*! You beaut!
Hang on! There's no strings! They've confiscated the strings!
RIMMER
I feel like a man who leaps out of a plane with no parachute and lands in
the hot-tub at the Playboy mansion.
LISTER
Why would they take my strings..? It doesn't make sense...
RIMMER
Prison regs. You're not allowed anything you can hang yourself with.
LISTER
I wouldn't want to hang myself if I had my guitar strings.
RIMMER
I think they were thinking of me.
Maybe my luck's changing... at last, a break.
[Enter GUARD]
GUARD
Oh, by the way; I forgot: for you.
[The GUARD hands an envelope to LISTER]
[Exit GUARD]
LISTER
"Because of the nature of your crime", blah - blah - blah - blah - blah,
whr - wh - wh - wh - wh, "we are willing to review your case"! "For this
process to be successful you would need a record of good behaviour, and
accept the consequence that a successful appeal would mean similar amnesty
for prisoner colleagues in your situation."
RIMMER
Yess!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, KILL CRAZY, several other Canaries
present]
[HOLLY present, on a wall monitor]
KOCHANSKI
Well, thanks to Kill Crazy, that was the least enjoyable suicide mission
I've ever been on.
KILL CRAZY
I was standing there, right, and right in fron of me was this weird sort
of mutant thing, with, like, two heads and all these tenticles. Yeah; it
took one look at me and then ran off! Why d'you think it done that?
KRYTEN
You don't know what it's like, being classified as a woman, sir. The
humiliation.
LISTER
I know, I know.
KRYTEN
I mean, why should I - a Series 4000 mechanoid - have to endure the turgid
monotony of showering with the girls? Three times a week! Tell me that!
LISTER
It's not fair, I know! It's just that -
You shower with the girls?
KRYTEN
Oh! It's so hideously dull I can't describe it, as they stand around
soaping themselves. Their bodies all wet and foamy.
Can you imagine it?
Oh my goodness, we've been frozen in time again!
Hello?
Extraordinary! It must be a warp in the time-space continuum! How curious
it isn't affecting me...
RIMMER
We're not frozen in time, Krytie - we were just thinking about what you
were saying...
HOLLY
It's time like this that make me thankful I'm just a head.
KILL CRAZY
Oi, droid-boy, oi; next time you're in the showers, why don't you -
y'know - smuggle in a camera and film 'em, eh? Yeah, that'd be brilliant!
Oi, I haven't seeen a naked woman since... well, ever.
Yeah, I'd pay you... wha'd'ya say?
RIMMER
No, I forbid it!
LISTER
Yeah, me -
What?
RIMMER
It's voyeuristic, exploitative, and immature.
HOLLY
All right, who are you? And what have you done with *our* Rimmer?
RIMMER
Gentlemen, allow me to clairify my position. Morally speaking, using a
hidden camera in the women's showers, taking shots of them sudding
themselves with mounds of foam, without their permission, morally speaking -
I'm speaking morally, here - I'm all in favour! However, Listy has been
invited to appeal and a scam like this could ruin it.
CAT
Appeal?
LISTER
Yeah, I'm appealing.
HOLLY
That's a minority view.
RIMMER
Look, if he's successful, we can all be successful. We've just got to be
model prisoners.
KILL CRAZY
Screw his appeal! I wanna see skin!
CAT
Yeah! Wha'd'ya say, bird-tray head?
KRYTEN
Are you asking me to betray the people I live with? To ignore their
humanity and reduce them to mindless sex objects, merely there for your
moronic titilation?
CAT
Yes, please!
KRYTEN
If you'll excuse me, I forgot who I was for a moment.
KILL CRAZY
Wait, what you doing?
KRYTEN
I'm a woman, and proud of it. If you'll excuse me, I'll with my fellow
sisters, doing it for ourselves!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[All Canaries, GOVENOR ACKERMAN, guards, wardens present]
GOVENOR ACKERMAN
I'm going to make this quick, and easy.
Last night, on D-wing, I was beaten up, and mugged.
You have one chance. I'm going to turn the lights off for precisely ten
seconds, during which I want whoever took it ... to return my glass eye.
[He places a bucket on the ground in front of the Canaries]
GOVENOR ACKERMAN
Kill the lights.
[The chamber goes dark]
GOVENOR ACKERMAN
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six -
[The sound of an object dropped into the bucket is heard, and the lights
snap on. No one appears to have moved]
GOVENOR ACKERMAN
I'm glad to see good sense prevailed.
[The GOVENOR reaches into the bucket and takes out a pair of false teeth]
GOVENOR ACKERMAN
I have a date with Miss Patricia Carling from Supplies on Saturday night.
She thinks my eyes are my best feature. If I go like this, I'M ONLY HALF
LOVELY!
If it's not returned within thirty seconds; all Canary priviliges
suspended. One month.
RIMMER
I know who stole your left peeper, sir.
It was him, sir.
[RIMMER points at a prisoner standing off to his right]
RIMMER
I saw him playing marbles with it this morning, sir.
[The man RIMMER indicated takes a swing at him, which RIMMER ducks. The man
is siezed by guards and dragged away]
GOVENOR ACKERMAN
Thank you, Rimmer.
[Exit GOVENOR, guards, wardens]
KOCHANSKI
Have you gone mad? You don't rat on other inmates, its an unwritten law.
RIMMER
Look if it helps the appeal, what else matters? 'Model prisoners'?
[RIMMER has just enough time to finish his sentence before being pounced on
by the other prisoners. The sounds of thumps and kicks issue, and the
picture, much like RIMMER's consciousness, fades away]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[As KRYTEN waddles along a walkway, someone drops a crumpled-up piece of
paper]
KRYTEN
Would the sky really fall in if people just tidied up a little?
[As KRYTEN drops the rubbish into a disposal chute and turns away, and arm
reaches out of a maintenance hatch and bounces a spanner off his his head
with a clang that resounds convincingly. KRYTEN drops to the gound and is
dragged away by persons unknown]
[-- xx - Int. Tank rec. room ----------------------------------------x:xx--]
[A trailer runs for an old, black-and-white sci-fi flick]
[LISTER, RIMMER, CAT, many other prisoners present]
LISTER
Looks like another pearl, eh?
CAT
Why do they always show us these lousy B-movies?
RIMMER
To sap our morale. Next week its the Gearge Formbey season.
"Get your hanging rope now, while there's still some left - heh-hey!"
[Suddenly the film cuts off and is replaced by a rough, amateur looking shot
of KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Good evening. Tonight's scheduled feature has been cancelled, and replaced
with a special, live, pay-per-view event brought to you courtesy of "Krytie
TV"! Transmitting live via my optical receptors, we bring you live, and
lithe, Womens Shower Night!
CAT
Are they really gonna show this? No way! This is a joke, right? This isn't-
Oh, momma...
LISTER
You know what this means, don't you?
CAT
There is a God?
LISTER
They got to him, they reprogrammed Kryten.
[Overhearing, KILL CRAZY turns to look at LISTER and grins broadly]
RIMMER
If we get caught watching this your appeal's dead in the water.
LISTER
Forget the appeal.
CAT
I already have!
LISTER
What about Kris? She's never gonna believe I wasn't involved in this!
We've gotta stop it.
RIMMER
You're right, I want no part of this.
LISTER
Me neither.
RIMMER
We've gotta go.
LISTER
Right now.
RIMMER
Not a minute to lose.
LISTER
I'm dust.
RIMMER
Me too.
After two. One, two, go!
KRYTEN
And now, I'm gonna stare at a cracked floor tile.
KILL CRAZY
What's he doing that for!?
KRYTEN
Remember, Shower Night is a pay-per-view event. Start filling those
buckets!
RIMMER
I can't believe this, he's running it like a business! There's even a
bloke over there selling ice-creams.
LISTER
Never mind him. Now. We've gotta go, right now.
RIMMER
I'm going, I'm going.
KRYTEN
But now, lets get up-close and personal with one of the shower-ees, Miss
Kristine Kochanski...
RIMMER
Fancy a choc-ice?
[-- xx - Int. Kryten's cell -----------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KRYTEN present]
[Enter GUARD, LISTER]
KRYTEN
Okay; splendid. Later.
GUARD
Mister Kryten; visitor, sir.
[Exit GUARD]
LISTER
Kryten. Look, I know Kill-Crazy's reprogrammed you; turned you into a
ruthless entrepreneur, but I think I know how to change you back.
KRYTEN
Well, keep it to yourself, sir. I'll make it worth your while...
LISTER
Can't you see what it's done to you?
KRYTEN
It's made me rich, feared and respected. I'm loving every minute of it!
I've just bought the rights to the five-a-side soccer tournament today;
tomorrow, I'm hoping to get the boxing.
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
Ahhhh, Miss Kochanski! Good to have you back, I have a little gift for
you...
KOCHANSKI
Ooh, another one?
KRYTEN
You know you were worried about picking up verrucas in the shower room?
Well, I have the perfect solution; a waterproof pogo stick.
LISTER
This has got to stop.
KRYTEN
But the pogo stick could put the ratings through the roof, sir! Think of
the money! Think of the show!
LISTER
I'm crazy about her! I'm not gonna let you do this.
KOCHANSKI
Do what?
LISTER
How do you think Kryten got all this?
[He hands her a flyer for KRYTEN's ratings-winner]
KOCHANSKI
"Shower Night Live". Oh God, is he paying some of the girls to do this?
[KOCHANSKI grins as she scans the flyer]
LISTER
Who's that with the sponge?
[The grin disappears to be replaces with a look, first of horror, then
anger]
KOCHANSKI
That's me!
LISTER
It replaced the Wednesday night movie. I saw the whole thing; all three
terrible hours of it. It was awful.
KRYTEN
Is that the time? I've got a merchandising meeting in two minutes. Heh,
excuse me!
[Exit KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
You are dead, nickel-hydrate breath!
And you!
LISTER
What have I done?
KOCHANSKI
You were there for three hours of it!
LISTER
Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it! I was outraged. Why do you think I only had
one choc-ice?
KOCHANSKI
How could you go along with this?
LISTER
I'm only human. You were completely naked, starkers, nude, in the buff,
totally kit-less, no clothes on!
KOCHANSKI
You've seen me with no clothes on when we went out!
LISTER
Yeah, but, I wanted to see if anything had changed.
KOCHANSKI
Why didn't you just ask, instead of filming me in secret?
LISTER
Because you'll have said 'no'.
KOCHANSKI
Not necessarily. If I'd known it meant that much to you, that you needed
to see me naked so badly, I wouldn't necessarily have said 'no'.
LISTER
You wouldn't?
KOCHANSKI
No. Well, we're friends aren't we?
LISTER
It never occured to me that I could just ask. Oh, you're such a great
friend. I love being your friend.
Kris..?
KOCHANSKI
No! Not now, and now, not ever!
LISTER
But you just said -
KOCHANSKI
We're not friends any more...
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[LISTER present]
[LISTER is sat by himself at the table in the centre of the cell. Two small
bags of flour are in front of him together with some writing paper, and he
chews thoughtfully on a pen]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
Appeal applications, Listy. Character testimonials.
What's this?
LISTER
Kris found out about the shower thing; she went ballistic. It's just
a little present to say 'sorry'.
RIMMER
A bag of flour?
LISTER
No, two bags.
I'm in the Tank, in the middle of Deep Space. I can't just get on the
blower to Interflora, you know!
Flour - Flours!
It's the closest I could get.
RIMMER
You romantic fool.
LISTER
You know how hard it is getting this stuff? I had to nick this from the
bakery. She'll appreciate that.
RIMMER
I can just see her reading the card:
"Dear Kris, I'm really sorry for ogling you and the girls in the shower
yesterday for three gob-smacking hours of steamy fun. To make up for it, and
to indicate how truly sorry I am, here's two bags of self-raising. Something
I didn't need any help with yesterday."
LISTER
It's easy for you, you're not crazy about her. It's re- it's really
dibilitating, being nuts about someone. You lose twenty I.Q. points every
time you talk to them.
RIMMER
You must be nuts about a fair few people, then, are you?
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
The girls found out about Shower Night. They attacked me, cleaned out my
system and kicked me out. I've been reclassified as a man...
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KRYTEN, LISTER present]
KRYTEN
I feel terrible, sir, for endangering your appeal.
LISTER
It's not your fault, Kryten, they got to you.
KRYTEN
I presume you've heard the news about Miss Kochanski.
LISTER
What news?
KRYTEN
You haven't heard?
LISTER
Heard what?
KRYTEN
The news.
LISTER
What news?
KRYTEN
You haven't heard the news?
LISTER
Heard what news??
KRYTEN
No one's told you?
LISTER
Told me what?
KRYTEN
About Miss Kochanski?
LISTER
What about Miss Kochanski?
KRYTEN
About Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim.
LISTER
What about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim??
KRYTEN
I can't believe you don't know!
LISTER
Know what??
KRYTEN
No one told you??
LISTER
Told me what!?
KRYTEN
You mean to say that you're standing there blissfully unaware of the news
about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim?
LISTER
What news about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim!?
KRYTEN
I don't believe it.
LISTER
Believe what!?
KRYTEN
Psh, tsk - I'm so traumatised no one's had the guts to tell you the
horrible, terrible, terrible, appallingly hideous, awful news!
I'm not sure I can even speak now.
LISTER
Kryten, there's a two hundred foot drop down there; now tell me the news.
KRYTEN
Well, she's started going out with Tim again. He's taking her to the
Officer's Club tonight. Her probation permits it, providing she's back by
ten.
LISTER
Ohhh. This is all down to that shower thing, isn't it?
KRYTEN
You know what Tim's like, sir. Impossibly handsome, oozes charm, a great
lover. And you're just... you.
It's so unfair!
You must feel awful.
LISTER
Well I do now! God!
KRYTEN
You're taking this very well, sir. I - I'm really impressed.
LISTER
No I'm not, man, I'm falling apart.
KRYTEN
I know that, but I was just trying to cheer you up!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER present]
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
LISTER
What can I do?
HOLLY
You've gotta deal with your grief, man. Breakup is very much like a
bereavement: its usually followed by a cremation and some sandwiches.
LISTER
You haven't got a clue what you're on about, have you?
HOLLY
Mark my words: time is a great healer. Unless you've got a rash, in which
case you're better off with ointment.
LISTER
Look, they haven't seen each other for ages; they're only going out for a
meal. What's the worst thing that could happen?
RIMMER
How's this, Listy: a little wine, a little laughter, then its back to his
place for coffee and a game of chess. Before you know it, she's sandwiched
between two bishops and her queen's exposed to an attack from the rear.
KRYTEN
It's a tragedy.
LISTER
What are you so bothered about? I thought you hated the idea of me and her
getting it together?
KRYTEN
That was the old me, sir. I've grown and matured since then. No, the new
me wants you to have children so I can iron those itty-bitty little socks!
And you're not getting any younger, sir, and neither are your sperms. I'm
getting worried about those guys. Any older older and they'll need a
Stanner<sp> stairlift to get up the fallopian tubes!
LISTER
So what do you propose?
KRYTEN
We nail that horny stag and get you and the divine Miss K together. It's
my way of saying 'sorry'.
RIMMER
But nothing that's going to endanger the appeal...
KRYTEN
First, we sabotage the date.
LISTER
What, 'we'? You mean you're gonna help me?
Step on board the 'love express', sir!
Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the
guards. Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire
universe: this is what you leave in his quarters -
- a half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer.
LISTER
Is it? I like those.
KRYTEN
Then there's this: "Morris Dancer Monthly". What a total dweebo,
nerdmeister he'll look with those!
RIMMER
They're mine!
KRYTEN
And then there's these: tragically unfashionable underpants.
RIMMER
*They're* mine!
KRYTEN
And finally: Christian rock music. It that doesn't scare her off, nothing
will.
RIMMER
Have you been going through my things?
KRYTEN
And not forgetting...
LISTER
A pair of scissors?
KRYTEN
This is the piece de resistence...
[-- xx - Int. An officers quarters ----------------------------------x:xx--]
[scatters mags on table and sofa]
[bites sandwich then throws it under cushion]
[puts poster of a chimp sitting on a toilet on wall]
LISTER
"Frank Acissi and the Apostles" - "Hyms in Rock" -
[Kum Bayah from CD player]
[posing male statue with chain]
LISTER
Some digestive biscuit...
[lobster over lamp]
[scissors, unzips, cuts pubic hair, sprinkles on bed and on soap]
[underpants laid on bed]
[VD clinic appointment card on pillow]
LISTER
The love assassin...
[-- xx - Int. Corridor outside officer's quarters -------------------x:xx--]
[KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
What Mister Lister doesn't know, of course, is he's been set up by Krytie
TV!
[The door behid KRYTEN slides open with a hiss]
[Enter LISTER]
KRYTEN
Shh! Here he comes now!
Mister Lister!
LISTER
Kryten, is that you?
KRYTEN
You trashed that room because you believed Miss Kochanski was dating Tim,
didn't you?
LISTER
What, you mean she isn't?
KRYTEN
Look who's quarters you really trashed...
[KRYTEN taps a rapid-fire code into the pad on the wall and the door slides
shut. On it is written "MR. ACKERMAN"]
LISTER
You said the girls had restored you back to normal!
KRYTEN
Whoops! You've been Krytered!
LISTER
I've wrecked Ackerman's quarters!!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
RIMMER
THE APPEAL!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[LISTER, KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
But the surprises haven't finished yet, here on Krytie TV, because Mister
Ackerman and his red hot date are due back any second. It's a race against
time! Sir, start cleaning that room!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER present]
RIMMER
Sorry to keep droning on about this, but what about - THE APPEAL!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[LISTER present]
LISTER
Smeg!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER, LISTER present]
RIMMER
Oh smeg..!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER and LISTER swarm through ACKERMAN's quarters, undoing the mess that
LISTER created]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN
Thanks for watching, folks; see you next time!
RIMMER
There he is!
LISTER
Kryten, come here a minute...
KRYTEN
I was just trying to boost the ratings, sir!
LISTER
Get him, and bring him back to the Tank!
KRYTEN
It was nothing personal!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER present]
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
The appeal.
Oooohhhhh... YES!
RIMMER
"Dear Mister Lister, your appeal has been successful"!
"From this day forth all inmates with no record of violence or depression
will be allowed... to have strings on their guitars"...
This appeal was all about guitar strings?
LISTER
You didn't think it was about getting out of here, did you?
RIMMER
You mean to say I've been busting my balls so you can have strings on your
lousy, stinking guitar??
LISTER
You've been a brick, man. And as a personal 'thank you', I thought I'd
write you a song...
[--------------------------- END OF "KRYTIE TV" --------------------xx:xx--]
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-5296936127544450622012-11-01T10:04:00.001-07:002012-11-01T10:04:07.394-07:00Season 8 Episode 4, Cassandra<pre>[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 4 -- CASSANDRA
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 1.0
16 - 31 March, 1999
Raz / raz@matrixcity.org
http://www.matrixcity.org
[-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--]
[Red Dwarf cruises through Deep Space]
[-- 2 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:06--]
[Inside the Tank. Slow zoom towards a huge, segmented, cylindrical tower
that houses blocks of cells]
[-- 3 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:10--]
[Enter LISTER]
[Checking behind him for the presence of guards, LISTER calls up HOLLY's
image on the cell's viewscreen then sits down at the cell's table]
[Enter HOLLY]
LISTER
Have you figured a way to get us out of here yet, Holl?
HOLLY
I have, actually, Dave. I've devoted all my runtime to looking for a
loophole in the prison regs, and I think I've come up with something that
means that you can serve your entire two year sentence in just fourteen
weeks.
LISTER
Oh brilliant, what've I got to do?
[-- 4 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:31--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
Become a dog.
[-- 5 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:33--]
[LISTER present]
LISTER
A dog?
[-- 6 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:40--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
According to my data banks, dog years are seven times shorter than human
years.
[-- 7 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:45--]
[LISTER present]
[LISTER listens with admirable patience]
[-- 8 - Viewscreen --------------------------------------------------0:46--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
As a plan you can't fault it on it's mathematics.
[-- 9 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------0:49--]
[LISTER present]
LISTER
No, but maybe you can fault it on the fact that I'm not a dog!
[-- 10 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------0:52--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
Yeah, but according to a twentieth century newspaper called the National
Enquirer, the operation's quite straightforward.
[-- 11 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------0:59--]
[LISTER present]
[LISTER can't help but listen as HOLLY rambles on]
[-- 12 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:01--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
A 'Roverostomy' they call it.
[-- 13 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:04--]
[LISTER present]
[His head resting in one hand now, LISTER shakes his head sadly]
[-- 14 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:05--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
There's a photograph here of a bloke who had it done.
[-- 15 - Still photograph -------------------------------------------1:09--]
[A magazine page appears. On it is a full page picture of a large, white
dog, and across the top of the page is a huge banner that reads
"Exclusive". In smaller text towards the bottom of the page is the lead-in:
"Man Becomes Dog", and the line: "Fetching pictures and full story on
page 8" is under that]
[-- 16 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:12--]
[LISTER present]
LISTER
That's a dog!
[-- 17 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:14--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
See how convincing it is? Even you're fooled!
[-- 18 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:19--]
[LISTER present]
LISTER
"Become a dog"? That is, without doubt, the stupidest, crappyest, most
pathetic plan you've come up with all week.
[-- 19 - Viewscreen -------------------------------------------------1:25--]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
Give me a chance - it's only Monday.
[-- 20 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------1:29--]
[LISTER present]
[LISTER presses his watch stud in exasperation and HOLLY's image dissolves]
[Exit HOLLY]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER drops a hardhat on his bunk and stands with his hands on his hips,
morosely]
RIMMER
What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends, I had everything and
I threw it all away. It's a tragedy.
LISTER
What are you on about? You had none of that stuff.
RIMMER
You're right, I had none of that stuff. I had absolutely nothing and I
threw it all away. It's an even bigger tragedy!
LISTER
Look, we're only gonna get through this by being positive, by being...
what's that word women tennis players always used to reckon was so
important..? Begins with 'C'...
RIMMER
'Cunnilingus'?
LISTER
'Centred'. By being centred. Focussed. It's only two years; what, with
good behaviour it'll probably only be eighteen months. Remember when you
were first born, then you were eighteen months? The time just flashed past!
RIMMER
It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck
and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging.
[Enter GUARD]
[The GUARD is carrying a metal briefcase, which he places on the table in
front of LISTER]
LISTER
What's this?
GUARD
Canary outfits and first meeting information.
[Exit GUARD]
LISTER
I volunteered for the Canaries.
[LISTER picks up the case and carries it to his bunk where he begins
unpacking its contents]
LISTER
Some bloke came round the machine shop so I signed up.
RIMMER
The Canaries?
LISTER
Yeah, y'know, a bit of close-part harmony, and you should see the list of
privileges you get; unbelievable.
RIMMER
You don't know what the Canaries are, do you?
LISTER
Of course I do: a singing group, acappella...
/You are the sunshine of my life, ooo-ooh, that's why I'll always be
around/
[LISTER catches RIMMER's amused expression and begins to realise the
implications]
LISTER
They're nothing to do with singing, are they?
[RIMMER shakes his head, solemly]
LISTER
Holly lied to me, didn't he?
[RIMMER nods]
LISTER
Oh hey, he was taking the smeg.
RIMMER
Oh Listy! Listy, Listy, Listy!
LISTER
Well go on then, what've I signed up for?
RIMMER
In the nineteenth century, when miners went down a pit, they'd lower a
canary down first in a little cage -
LISTER
What, and make them do some mining? They were sick in the nineteenth
century, weren't they, eh? I mean, how much coal can a little canary get?
RIMMER
- And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the
canary did.
LISTER
Complained to the foreman?
RIMMER
It died, Listy. The canary's job was to go into the most dangerous,
unpleasant and smeggy situations and see if it could stay alive. Then they'd
know if it was safe to send in the important people.
LISTER
Oh, I'm gonna kill him!
RIMMER
How come you've never heard of the Canaries? They've got recruitment
posters all over the men's bogs! How come you've not seen them?
LISTER
When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look
around, y'know what I'm saying? It's like playing golf: I concentrate on my
grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side!
RIMMER
"The Canaries"... You know what they say it's supposed to stand for?
"Convicts Army Nearly All Retarded In-bred Evil Sheep shaggers"! They
haven't got an X chromosome to share between them!
LISTER
Smeg!
It gets worse as well.
[RIMMER laughs, loving LISTER's predicament]
RIMMER
Worse! Go on.
LISTER
I've signed you up, too.
[RIMMER's grin crumbles, landing in two piles of shock and outrage]
LISTER
I forged your signature, I thought I was doing you a favour.
RIMMER
Me! Why?!
LISTER
I've signed us all up. Kryten, Kris, everyone!
RIMMER
No way! No way! No way am I becoming a Canary!
[-- 21 - Int. Chamber ------------------------------------------Raz--5:15--]
[GOVENOR ACKERMAN, WARDEN KNOT, the Canaries, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[The GOVENOR and the CAPTAIN stand together on a balcony overlooking the
Canaries. All of the Canaries are dressed in their regulation outfits: dark
heavy-duty combat suit, heavy boots and gloves, with a close-fitting bright
yellow bib and padded yellow jacket that has the individual's name. KRYTEN
has obviously been allowed concessions due to his unwieldy bodyshell, and
simply wears the personalised jacket. RIMMER has taken the new uniform to
heart and wears a thick, grey quilted coat over his jacket, which has a
large Canaries patch emblazoned on the left breast]
GOVENOR
It's a great honour for floor thirteen, for today we are visited by
Captain Hollister, who has a special assignment.
KILL CRAZY
At last, some action! I've been going mental all this time, cooped up, not
killing nothing. Yes!
WARDEN KNOT
Kill Crazy, shut up, you punk!
HOLLISTER
Okay, listen up. We've located a ship, the SSS Silverburg, buried at the
bottom of an ocean moon. A remote probe has come back with no signs of a
crew, no bodily remains, no skeletons, zip. We want you guys to go on board
and, ah, find out why.
[Suddenly RIMMER steps out of line and turns back to face the Dwarfers]
RIMMER
A-one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four:
KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT
/You are the sunshine of my life, ooo-ooh, that's why I'll always be
around/ -
HOLLISTER
Rimmer!
[GOVENOR ACKERMAN scrambles down a metal staircase connecting the balcony
and the floor of the chamber]
RIMMER
Sorry, sir, we seem to have wandered into the wrong hobby group, we'll
leave immediately.
[RIMMER hisses urgently to the others:]
RIMMER
Go!
[ACKERMAN catches RIMMER, stopping him and the Dwarfers in their tracks.
He leans in close to RIMMER and hisses menacingly]
GOVENOR
Rimmer! You're here, and this is where you'll stay, now get on with it.
RIMMER
Yes, sir, thank you, sir.
[ACKERMAN hurries back up the staircase and smiles apologetically at
CAPTAIN HOLLISTER]
RIMMER
You heard what the warden said, he wants us to get on with it. From the
top!
KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT
/You are the sunshine of my life/ -
HOLLISTER
Rimmer!
[ACKERMAN quails under the CAPTAIN's obvious disapproval and bounds
down to RIMMER once again]
RIMMER
Sorry, sir, when you said get on with it I thought you meant -
GOVENOR
Shut up! You're a Canary, man! A member of the toughest convict army this
side of Pluto. I've seen custard factories that aren't as yellow as you are!
Start behaving like a man.
RIMMER
A man, sir, yes, of course, sir, a man... a man. Perhaps if you could
remind me, sir, it will all come back?
[WARDEN KNOT leans in from off screen, and appears to reach out and grab
something in front of RIMMER, just off the bottom of shot. Judging from
RIMMER's agonised wince, and KNOT's intense frown and the cracking of his
joints, something extremely sensitive is being gripped extremely hard.
After several awkward moments, KNOT lets go, RIMMER hobbles delicately
back into line and ACKERMAN scurries back up to the balcony]
GOVENOR
Continue, Captain.
HOLLISTER
It's inconceivable a ship like this could be sent out without a crew, so
whatever devoured the crew, bones and all, might still be there, so... be
careful.
[The Canaries turn and begin shuffling out]
KILL CRAZY
Let's go kill something!! *YESSSSS*!!
[A few of the Canaries spare KILL CRAZY a glance as he shrieks his approval
before continuing on their way. Staring eagerly up at the CAPTAIN and the
GOVENOR, it takes a few moments before KILL CRAZY realises he has been
left behind. Deflated, he heads off after his fellow Canaries]
[-- 22 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------7:32--]
[A small sub descends through murky waters, triple floodlights doing little
to light its progress]
[-- 23 - Int. Submarine ---------------------------------------------7:39--]
[Canaries present]
[All the Canaries are sat quietly, kitted out now with rifles and a backup
pistol. All seem absorbed in their own thoughts; all except KILL CRAZY,
that is, who is fairly bouncing on his seat in hyped-up anticipation]
KILL CRAZY
I hope its got, like, big teeth and claws and, like, loads of heads. Yeah!
*Great*!
[The others pay him little attention, much less return any enthusiasm, but
KILL CRAZY ignores them]
[-- 24 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------7:50--]
[The submarine draws up beside a large wall of metal, turns about and docks
against an airlock]
[-- 25 - Int. Airlock aboard the Silverburg -------------------------7:59--]
[The airlock is silent and empty, until a loud screeching of rusted metal
peals out as the Canaries break the airlock seal and swing open the thick
door]
[Enter KILL CRAZY]
KILL CRAZY
Here we go! At last! *Yeah*!!!
[Caught in the moment, KILL CRAZY charges forward aproximately half a metre
before smacking his head soundly off the top of the airlock frame. He goes
down bonelessy without a sound, and the other Canaries step over him,
somewhat more cautiously]
[-- 26 - Int. Silverberg Obs deck -----------------------------------8:13--]
[Enter LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, other Canaries]
LISTER
Okay, stay together, keep 'em peeled.
RIMMER
What's that!
[RIMMER points fearfully out of shot]
KRYTEN
What? Where?
RIMMER
It's moving, shaking from side to side like a leaf!
KRYTEN
I think that's your shadow, sir.
[-- 27 - Int. Staircase aboard the Silverburg -----------------------8:30--]
[The search has obviously proved fruitless so far; the Dwarfers have moved
to another part of the ship. A figure comes running down a metal staircase]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
Located the mainframe, maybe it can tell us something.
[KOCHANSKI turns and heads back up the staircase]
[-- 28 - Int. Silverburg computer room -------------------------Raz--8:35--]
[COMPUTER present, a holgraphic head]
[Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT, RIMMER]
[The Dwarfers step into a large, hi-tech room. Control panels, status lights
and cables are the general decor, but the dominant feature of the room is
the large pillar into which the cables that sprout from the control banks
and snake across the floor all lead into. Rising from a solid base, the
hexagonally cross-sectioned pillar becomes translucent, and a section from
around the foot-foot high mark to about seven feet from the floor holds
the hologrammatic image of a older woman's head. The head has a silvery
sheen to its skin and sheer silver hair, and around the thin neck is an
elaborate necklace resembling the tracks of a printed circuit board, also
worked in silver. Delicate tongues of pink electro-plasma flicker around
image of the head]
COMPUTER
Good evening, Arnold. I've been looking forward to your arrival so very
much.
RIMMER
How do you know my name?
COMPUTER
My name is Cassandra. I am a computer with the ability to predict the
future with an accuracy rating of 100%.
Bless you.
[RIMMER frowns in confusion]
RIMMER
'Bless you'? What do you mean 'bless you'?
[RIMMER abruptly sneezes]
CASSANDRA
You need a tissue; Kris has one in her left-hand pocket. She says "would
you like this?"; you say "thanks".
[Sure enough, KOCHANSKI is in the process of offering a handkerchief to
RIMMER]
KOCHANSKI
Would you like this?
RIMMER
Thanks.
[Both turn and look at the computer with suspicious surprise]
CASSANDRA
"Extraordinary".
KRYTEN
Extraordinary.
CASSANDRA
"The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future".
[Ignoring the computer, KOCHANSKI glances towards LISTER and the others to
her left]
KOCHANSKI
The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future.
[CASSANDRA puts on an obvious accent]
CASSANDRA
"But how does it work? The future's not 'appened yet".
[LISTER hesitates and glances around, adopting an air of defiance]
LISTER
...I'm not gonna say that.
CASSANDRA
I never said you would.
LISTER
But how *does* it work? The future's not 'appened yet.
CASSANDRA
Although you do.
LISTER
Smeg.
RIMMER
Let's ask her a question about the future. A biggie...
LISTER
Okay, Cassandra, do we ever get back to Earth? Has the human race
survived?
CAT
Do I ever find my singing tie-pin?
[LISTER glances at CAT in annoyance, but in the meantime KOCHANSKI has been
having second thoughts]
KOCHANSKI
Look, do we want to know all this stuff about the future? I mean, do we
want to know, for example, how and when we die?
RIMMER
Kris is right. Something like that could mess your life up forever.
Cassandra, I have a question.
CASSANDRA
I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation.
Arnold
So, what's the answer?
CASSANDRA
He chokes to death, aged one-hundred and eighty-one, trying to remove a
bra with his teeth.
[LISTER glances at RIMMER and CASSANDRA questioningly]
LISTER
What was the question?
RIMMER
I just asked how you died.
[LISTER stares hard at RIMMER]
LISTER
You what? I didn't want to know that!
[Suddenly he rounds on CASSANDRA]
LISTER
Who's bra?
CAT
A hundred and eighty-one? Probably your own!
LISTER
Come on, no. Taking a bra off with m' teeth, aged one-hundred and
eighty-one. That's a hell of a sexy way to go!
KRYTEN
So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir.
LISTER
I'm really screwed up, now. I never wanted to know that; know how I die.
It's completely spoiled the surprise!
CASSANDRA
Kryten, this is where you share your theory with your crew-mates.
[KRYTEN acknowledges this]
KRYTEN
I have a theory, everyone. The Silverburg didn't crash, did it, Cassandra?
The ship was sent here by the Space Corps. on auto-pilot to get rid of you;
to abandon you at the bottom of a lunar sea, in the depths of Deep Space.
CAT
That's brilliant, bud! How'd you work that out?
KRYTEN
I read it on this mission directive, here.
[KRYTEN holds up the paper in question, and passes it to LISTER, who skims
through it]
LISTER
So, there was no dead bodies on board because the ship didn't have a crew.
KRYTEN
A computer that unerringly predicts the future -
CASSANDRA
- "Is a dangerous thing indeed"...
[KRYTEN's smug expression curdles]
KRYTEN
Is a dangerous... er, yes, precisely.
RIMMER
We, um, should be making tracks.
[RIMMER points apologetically towards the exit and turns to leave]
CASSANDRA
I'm afraid that that's not going to happen. The bulkhead's just given away
and we're shipping water at a thousand gallons a second. All the Canaries
will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer -
RIMMER
Yes!
[RIMMER punches the air in jubilation]
CASSANDRA
- Who will be dead in 20 minutes.
[RIMMER's joy evaporates and he works his mouth ineffectually. CASSANDRA
smiles, somewhat mischievously]
CASSANDRA
Only Lister, Kryten, the Cat and Kochanski survive.
LISTER
What happens to Rimmer?
CASSANDRA
He has a heart attack, brought on by the stress of knowing he's going to
die, and collapses; collapses during a conversation with me in nineteen
minutes and thirty-one seconds.
RIMMER
I don't believe you, I simply don't believe you.
CASSANDRA
We shall see, or rather, you shall see; I have already seen...
KOCHANSKI
All the hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end!
CAT
Mine too, but not just the ones on the back of my neck; it's one up, all
up!
[Exit CAT]
[CAT heads out hurriedly, and the others move to follow]
[-- 29 - Int. A deserted supply room aboard the Silverburg ---------12:24--]
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, RIMMER, CAT present]
[The Dwarfers have called a 'time-out', away from the other Canaries and
their Warden overseers, to rest their legs, have a coffee, and take stock
of their situation. His initial romance with the Canaries now over, RIMMER
has abandoned his emblazoned coat and sits with the other Dwarfers in the
regular uniform. His stencilled name on his jacket is printed in a larger
typeface than that of his fellows; perhaps RIMMER put himself forward as
their team leader, or some similar temporary position. While KRYTEN checks
over their equipment, the others sit by a line of storage crates that they
have arranged into a long table, sipping from their mugs]
LISTER
Well, it's not the first time we've been in a situation like this, is it?
CAT
Hell no, we've drunk coffee thousands of times. We're veterans.
LISTER
Future echoes, remember?
CAT
Future echoes, oh right!
KOCHANSKI
What was that?
LISTER
Well, we learnt that if the future's already decided...
[LISTER glances quickly at RIMMER, sat beside him staring into the depths of
his coffee, and lowers his voice]
LISTER
- you can't change it...
[RIMMER glances up at him]
RIMMER
Yeah, but what do you know? Your a chicken soup machine repairman, not
Hank Handsome, Space Adventurer.
Don't get ideas above your station, and your station is Git Central.
LISTER
Hey, I've been surviving in space five - six years. When it comes to
weirdy, paradoxy space stuff, I've bought the t-shirt.
KRYTEN
He bought it and I ironed it for him.
LISTER
Exactly.
RIMMER
So, you're saying the future's the future and, like your underpants, the
chances of change are remote? Well, I'm sorry, I don't accept it.
LISTER
Hey, I'm not happy about it, man.
CAT
None of us are. You dying is the last think we want, especially me. Hell,
I'd probably have to help dig the hole.
RIMMER
Right, so to summarise: six years of space adventuring, six years of
experience and knowledge, has led you to the conclusion that I'm totally
stuffed?
KRYTEN
Mister Rimmer has a point, sir. Your greater knowledge is making you
pessimistic, while his ignorance and almost doe-like naivety is keeping his
mind receptive to a possible solution.
LISTER
Shut your stupid, flat head, you.
[KRYTEN shrinks under LISTER's admonition, but KOCHANSKI has picked up on
something, and sounds intrigued]
KOCHANSKI
So, you're saying, when you don't know enough... to *know* that you don't
know enough, there's no fear holding you back? You can achieve things which
people with more brains can't?
KRYTEN
Precisely.
[KOCHANSKI smirks in RIMMER's direction]
KOCHANSKI
He's got the 'power of ignorance'...
KRYTEN
And with ignorance that he's got, that makes him one of the most powerful
men that's ever lived!
Harness your stupidity, sir; employ your witlessness, use your
empty-headed, simplistic moron-mind and find a solution.
[RIMMER's face hardens defiantly]
RIMMER
Okay! I've got an idea. Kryten, replay out meeting with Cassandra in your
CPU and tell me if, at any point, anyone ever called me 'Rimmer'.
LISTER
What?
[KRYTEN dutifully scans through his records, his head twitching as his
emotion software tries to reproduce the feelings of the accelerated
moments. The playback ends and KRYTEN adresses RIMMER]
KRYTEN
At no point throughout the meeting did anyone refer to you as 'Rimmer'.
In fact, we barely looked you.
RIMMER
That's just what I thought! Cassandra said "Rimmer dies", but it doesn't
necessarily follow that that means me!
LISTER
Who does it mean then, your dad?
RIMMER
Look, Cassandra doesn't know the future, she sees pictures of it. She
could have seen some other guy die of a heart attack; someone she's been
told is *called* Rimmer.
KOCHANSKI
He's right.
RIMMER
All I have to do is find someone I can introduce to Cassandra as
'Rimmer'...
[RIMMER glances down and suddenly notices the large name badge on the front
of his jacket. He smiles eagerly]
RIMMER
- and it'll be them that stiffs out and not me!
KRYTEN
Such lowlife conniving; its impossible not to be impressed! What I
wouldn't give to have your weasel gene, sir!
[RIMMER beams intently at CAT]
CAT
Now wait a minute!
[Enter WARDEN KNOT]
[KRYTEN notcices the burly man's approach and speaks in exaggerated tones]
KRYTEN
Oh look, here's Mister Knot...
[RIMMER looks sharply at the big man, silently mouthing "Yes..."]
KNOT
You made this area secure?
RIMMER
Yes, sir, Mister Knot, sir. Coffee, sir?
[RIMMER fairly leaps out of his seat, and begins pouring a cup from the
flask in front of him]
KNOT
I've been asked by the Captain to inspect the mainframe, where is it?
[RIMMER, in passing a cup of coffee to KNOT, feigns a trip and throws it
over the man's jacket. KNOT grabs RIMMER's lapels angrily]
KNOT
You idiot! What the hell do you think you're doing?
RIMMER
Please, have my jacket, I insist! Then I shall lead you to Cassandra.
[Taking KNOT's damp jacket away, RIMMER holds out his own and helps the
WARDEN shrug awkwardly into it, a task not made easy by the obvious size
difference between the two of them]
RIMMER
There we are, sir, a perfect fit, sir.
[KNOT scowls at RIMMER, but keeps the jacket anyway]
KNOT
Lead the way, Rimmer.
RIMMER
Don't call me 'Rimmer'!
KNOT
That's your name...
RIMMER
Yes, but 'Rimmer' - it's so full of nobility and quiet courage; call me
'arsewipe' or 'fishbreath', but not 'Rimmer', sir, never 'Rimmer', sir.
KNOT
Okay, arsewipe, whatever you say. Now where's the mainframe!
[-- 30 - Int. Silverburg computer room ------------------------Raz--16:14--]
[Enter RIMMER, WARDEN KNOT]
[Leading the Warden, RIMMER now wears KNOT's grey jacket over his Canary
bib and a hopeful, nervous smile on his face]
CASSANDRA
Hello Arnold, bang on time.
RIMMER
I've brought you a visitor, Cassandra. Do you know his name?
CASSANDRA
Yes, I do. Not -
[Shock registers on RIMMER's face]
RIMMER
What?
CASSANDRA
Not -
RIMMER
'Knot'??
CASSANDRA
Let me finish!
Not that it matters what his name is, I mean, our relationship doesn't
last very long.
[RIMMER calms himself, visibly trying to relax]
KNOT
I understand you have the ability to predict -
CASSANDRA
- the future, yes, I do.
KNOT
A hundred percent reli -
CASSANDRA
- able, yes.
KNOT
What happens to me; do I get back to Earth?
CASSANDRA
No, you die in about four seconds' time of a heart attack after hearing
the news that you're going to die of a heart attack.
KNOT
You filthy ly -- Ack!
[KNOT clutches a hand to his chest and stares at RIMMER and shock. RIMMER
watches nonchalantly as KNOT sinks to the floor and sprawls on his back.
CASSANDRA peers down at him sympathetically]
CASSANDRA
Poor Rimmer.
RIMMER
Yes, poor old 'Rimmer'.
[KNOT raises a hand weakly]
KNOT
My name is not -
[Quick to obfuscate the man's inconvenient last words, RIMMER leans down as
if to listen intently]
RIMMER
Your name is not *what*?
KNOT
Knot! Not...
Knot..!
[The man's lead lolls back slackly. RIMMER looks to CASSANDRA impatiently]
RIMMER
Is he dead now?
CASSANDRA
I'm afraid so.
RIMMER
Yes!
[Enormously pleased, RIMMER holds up both fists triumphantly]
CASSANDRA
He died of a massive coronary, just as I prophesied.
RIMMER
Yes!
[RIMMER punches the air again]
CASSANDRA
You seem inordinately happy, Arnold, but why? You're going to die too.
[Once again RIMMER's smile is mercilessly killed]
RIMMER
But you said - I just...
I'm gonna die too?
CASSANDRA
I already told you: Rimmer dies of a heart attack, and then you and all
the other Canaries die too; all except Lister, Kryten, Kochanski and the
Cat.
I've seen it.
RIMMER
That's as well as maybe, but have you seen this?
[RIMMER flips his middle finger to CASSANDRA, then turns and storms out]
[Exit RIMMER]
CASSANDRA
Yes... I'm afraid I have...
[-- 31 - Int. Silverburg loading tube-------------------------------17:50--]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT, RIMMER present]
[The Dwarfers walk solemnly along the flat bottomed but otherwise
cylindrical corridor, illuminate by stark, irregularly spaced lamps
postioned along the top of the tube, and rows of lanterns strung just above
head-height along both side walls]
RIMMER
You were right, there's nothing I can do.
KRYTEN
According to Cassandra, our future is decided and we four survive.
Therefore, while we're here, we cannot die. Regard:
[The Dwarfer pause in the corridor to attend KRYTEN. The mechanoid draws his
sidearm, places the barrel to his temple and pulls the trigger. The chamber
clicks empty. He points to and fires at KOCHANSKI, LISTER and CAT in turn,
and each time the chambers are empty. He levels the gun at RIMMER's head]
KRYTEN
Duck sir!
[KRYTEN fires, and a bullet richochet's off the wall behind RIMMER. The
bullet pings its way up and down the metal corridar in which they stand,
its noise first growing quieter, then steadily louder]
KRYTEN
Duck again, sir!
[RIMMER does so, just in time for the bullet to finally shatter against the
wall behind him]
KRYTEN
Just as i thought.
[KRYTEN deftly spins the pistol around his finger and drops it back into
his holster.
CAT
So, in other words, if I...
[CAT gingerly plucks a large fire axe from the wall, and cracks LISTER
sharply across the back of the head with its long wooden handle. The others
flinch away in sympathy and LISTER clutches the back of head, rounding on
CAT, who grins unconcernedly]
LISTER
What was that for!?
CAT
You can't die!
LISTER
Yeah, but I can still feel pain, you smegger!
CAT
Oh, yeah...
KRYTEN
So how about this: we use our 'powers of invulnerability', which will last
until we return to Red Dwarf, and surround Mister Rimmer, escort him up to
the Obs. deck, and into the diving bell?
[-- 32 - Int. Silverburg cargo deck --------------------------------18:43--]
[The safety concertina'd door covering an elevator car folds back]
[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER]
[The former four are arranged in a tight, four-point huddle around RIMMER
his is sandwiched between them and crouched over, out of sight. As the
Dwarfers begin to shuffle warily along the deck, RIMMER's head pops out
to scan their surroundings, before CAT pushes him back down out of harm's
way]
[-- 33 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------18:56--]
[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER]
[Shuffling along a gangway between the huge ranks of machinery, RIMMER again
pops up from inside his protective screen, but disappears back down just as
sharply]
[-- 34 - Int. Airlock aboard the Silverburg ------------------------19:04--]
[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]
LISTER
The diving bell! We've made it!
[Breaking their huddle, it comes as some surprise to the Dwarfers to find
that the 'safety cell' they have been preserving is now empty. RIMMER has
disappeared]
KOCHANSKI
Where did he go??
[The Dwarfers dash back the way they came]
[-- 35 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------19:13--]
[Re-tracing their steps through the engine blocks, LISTER happens across a
hatch in the floor, through which RIMMER can be seen on the floor below,
nursing a sprained ankle]
LISTER
Yo!
[Hearing the commotion above, RIMMER stares up anxiously]
[-- 36 - Int. Silverburg lower engine deck -------------------------19:22--]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
[Clutching a rope tied securely around her, KOCHANSKI descends gingerly
through the hatch into the room below]
[-- 37 - Int. Silverburg engine room -------------------------------19:28--]
[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER present]
[The three of them stand in line, holding the other end of KOCHANSKI's rope,
LISTER glancing down the hatch to keep an eye on her progress. Suddenly,
CAT pricks his ears, and glances sharply at KRYTEN and LISTER]
CAT
Hear that?
[KRYTEN adds power to his adio receivers, immediately detecting:]
KRYTEN
Water...
[LISTER suddenly realises the implications]
LISTER
Kris, take cover, the water's coming!
CAT
Quick , the diving bell!
[-- 38 - Int. Silverburg lower engine deck -------------------------19:39--]
[KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present]
[The pair hurriedly climb to the top of a large airlock bell that serves as
a watersealed access point to the ship's lower decks. Swinging open the
large access cover at the top, RIMMER and KOCHANSKI scramble inside, and
KOCHANSKI barely gets the seal shut again before thousands of gallons of
water come thunding down into the engine deck]
[-- 39 - Int. Silverburg cargo deck --------------------------------19:51--]
[RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present]
[KOCHANSKI descends the last few steps of the ladder that runs from the top
of the airlock bell down to the cargo deck, where RIMMER stands tensely,
resting against a pilar. KOCHANSKI whirls away from the ladder angrily]
KOCHANSKI
Great, everything's above us is flooded, and now we're back down in the
bowels again with Cassandra!
RIMMER
It's coming true.
[KOCHANSKI looks at him levelly]
RIMMER
My death! It's all coming true.
[RIMMER storms away with a darkly intent expression]
[Exit RIMMER]
[KOCHANSKI stares hard at his back and shakes her head with irritation.
After a moment she stalks off on her own]
[-- 40 - Int. Silverburg computer room -----------------------------20:09--]
[CASSANDRA present]
[Enter RIMMER]
[CASSANDRA smiles, almost apologetically, as she sees RIMMER step in slowly]
CASSANDRA
You tried to cheat the future and failed, as I knew you would.
RIMMER
So what happens now? How... How do I die?
CASSANDRA
Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the
head with a harpoon gun.
[RIMMER stares at CASSANDRA incredulously]
RIMMER
Can you just double-check that?
CASSANDRA
I've seen it, it's what happens. In the old laundry room.
RIMMER
So let me just repeat what I think you're saying... Arnold, that's *me*,
and Kochanski, that's *the woman* - the really attractive one you saw
earlier; me and her were in bed, giving it rizz, when Lister, that's the
short, dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me through the
head while I'm making love with Kochanski?
CASSANDRA
That is what is going to happen.
[RIMMER grins exultantly, amms held up in celebration]
RIMMER
Fantastic!!
[-- 41 - Int. Silverburg laundry room ------------------------------21:15--]
[RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present]
[RIMMER is on hands and knees, bouncing on a old mattress that he has
arranged on the floor in an attempt to flatten out the worst of its lumps.
KOCHANSKI stands against a wall as far away as possible, staring away and
pressing a hand to her chest faintly]
KOCHANSKI
I can't believe what you're telling me..!
RIMMER
I can scarcely believe it myself.
I mean, obviously, you're incredibly attractive; I never thought you'd
look at me twice!
KOCHANSKI
Neither did I!
RIMMER
But, apparently, were gonna make love. Unbe-smegging-lieviable or what?
It's not warm in here, fancy a wee nip?
KOCHANSKI
No, no, no, no.
[RIMMER heads over to his flask anyway, and pours himself a small glass]
KOCHANSKI
But, why would I want to sleep with *you*? I mean, it doesn't make any
sense.
RIMMER
Maybe you get blind drunk?
KOCHANSKI
Well that doesn't excuse my other four senses!
RIMMER
Right, barely an hour to go, shall we get started?
I mean, let's face it, you can't change the future. Sadly.
[KOCHANSKI remembers something, and points at RIMMER hopefully]
KOCHANSKI
But, you said, you *could*...
RIMMER
Yeah, I've changed my mind now.
[RIMMER fiddles with a pipe and tap on the wall, intending to top up his
drink]
KOCHANSKI
Look, are you sure you wouldn't like to play the opera game, instead?
RIMMER
Kris, it's what Cassandra saw. You can't cheat fate.
KOCHANSKI
Well, you just watch me, because there's no way on earth that I'm climbing
out of my clothes, and clambering into that bed.
[As RIMMER finally turns on his tap, the other end of the ancient pipe,
which KOCHANSKI is standing next to, suddenly ruptures, spraying torrents
of water and drenching her from head to toe. RIMMER fumbles with the tap
and manages to stop the flood. KOCHANSKI glares at RIMMER]
KOCHANSKI
My clothes are soaking!
RIMMER
Why don't you take them off, and dry them on the heater?
[KOCHANSKI snatches a blanket from a shelf beside her, sloshes over to
RIMMER and grabs the drink from his hand]
KOCHANSKI
It's coming true, it's all coming true...
RIMMER
It's coming true, it's all coming true!
[KOCHANKSI takes a belt from the glass, and shakes her head in some
surprise]
[-- 42 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------23:04--]
[The Canaries' little submarine powers through the black water]
[-- 43 - Int. Submarine --------------------------------------------23:11--]
[KILL CRAZY, LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN present]
[KILL CRAZY lies on his back, barely conscious, across the bench seats,
a vicious arc of a cut prominent across a good part of his forehead]
KILL CRAZY
Uurrrhhhhhhh
[CAT and KRYTEN spare the downed Canary a glance as LISTER makes
preparations for leaving]
CAT
Bud, you can't go back there!
LISTER
Cassandra said Kris survives, and the only way that's gonna happen is if
someone goes back in and saves her.
[LISTER points at an area of the wall behind CAT and KRYTEN]
LISTER
Chuck'us the harpoon gun, will you.
[CAT passes the weapon over, and LISTER carefully removes the safety cover
from the tip of the spear]
[-- 44 - Int. Silverburg laundry room -------------------------Raz--23:33--]
[RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present]
[RIMMER, now dressed only in his t-shirt, boxers and socks, bops happily in
front of the hastily constructed bed, singing to himself wordlessly, and
with an equal amount of tunefulness. KOCHANSKI is already in bed, naked
but hiding inside a tightly wrapped blanket. RIMMER mooches closer to the
bed and throws himself down beside her; KOCHANKSI flinches away]
KOCHANSKI
I'm not sure about this. This is the first time I've ever been seduced
by predeterminism theory.
RIMMER
One hour exactly...
[RIMMER puckers up and waggles his lips in KOCHANSKI's direction]
[Enter LISTER]
[Upon seeing LISTER dart in through a hatchway and level his harpoon gun,
RIMMER turns away and scowls in disgust]
RIMMER
Oh bloody, buggering hell!
Tonight must be the night they put the clocks forward!
LISTER
I've got it!
RIMMER
That's more than I did.
LISTER
I've worked it all out.
RIMMER
I never get any breaks, ever! Twenty seconds later you could've been on
top and I could've used you as a human shield.
KOCHANSKI
I must have been mad, what the hell was I thinking? I felt sorry for you!
LISTER
Look, will you shut up and listen to me?
[Crouching down beside the bed, LISTER picks up the glass discarded by
KOCHANSKI and takes a sip]
KOCHANSKI
No! *Why* aren't you mad that I'm in bed with him?
LISTER
'Cos i know *why* you're in bed with him. and I also know that i don't
kill him
KOCHANSKI
Aw, but Cassandra promised...
LISTER
Cassandra made that up to force you two together. So that you'd feel sorry
for him, and hopefully end up sleeping with him.
RIMMER
So why did she say she saw it happen?
LISTER
To try and *make* it happen.
KOCHANSKI
But why?
LISTER
To try and punish me!
RIMMER
Punish you? Why?
LISTER
'Cos Cassandra knows, and has always known, how she dies. She's trying to
make me suffer now for something that I'm destined to do in the future...
RIMMER
You kill her, don't you? That's why she hates you. Because she knows
you're going got kill her.
LISTER
That's what this whole thing was about. Kryten figured it out.
[RIMMER nods, his annoyance plain]
RIMMER
Kryten figured it out, did he? Good old Kryten. But did he really have to
figure it out quite so damn fast? Would it have killed him to take thirty
minutes longer? Ten minutes even? Two would have done.
LISTER
I'm gonna take care of the rest of it now. I'll, erm -
[LISTER grins at the pair of them]
LISTER
- see you two lovebirds later...
[Exit LISTER]
[KOCHANSKI gets to her feet, keeping the blanket wrapped perfectly around
her in that special way that only women can]
RIMMER
Look, thanks for being with me tonight. I can't think of anyone I'd rather
share my final hour with than you, and I really mean that.
I'm not all bad, in fact, sometimes I'm quite sweet and sensitive...
[KOCHANSKI smiles gently and turns to leave]
KOCHANSKI
Bye.
RIMMER
By the way?
KOCHANSKI
Mm-hm?
[RIMMER picks up KOCHANSKI's black knickers from the bed and dangles them
in the air, grinning hugely]
RIMMER
Is it okay if I keep these?
[-- 45 - Int. Silverburg computer room -----------------------------25:54--]
[CASSANDRA present]
[Enter LISTER]
[LISTER sets down the glass the brought with him from the laundry room, and
chomps quietly on a piece of chewing gum]
LISTER
If the future's all worked out - horoscopes, all that stuff - it means
we're not responsible for anything we do. It means we're just actors saying
lines in a script written by someone else. I don't wanna believe that.
I wanna believe I'm in charge of my own life, my own destiny; so I'm not
gonna kill you, Cassandra. I'm out of here.
[LISTER turns to leave]
CASSANDRA
But you do kill me, I've seen it.
LISTER
Tomorrow's a new day. A fresh page in a book that's not been written yet.
What happens in the future is up to me, not some 'predetermined destiny'
smeg.
I'll see you, kid-eh.
[As LISTER turns away from CASSANDRA again, he takes out his gum and sticks
it on the wall beside the hatchway before walking out. Almost immediately,
the gum falls off the wall, landing on the articulated-arm of a lamp. The
lamp eases slowly downwards under the fractional extra weight, coming to
rest on a button. The button, in turn, supplies power to a desk fan, which
spins up and begins to oscillate. The flow of air blows the gum off the
lamp-arm, flicking it through the air in front of LISTER's startled face
and depositing it neatly in the glass that LISTER brought with him. The
gum's inertia pushes the glass off the narrow shelf on which it sat,
spilling the contents over a wall panel. The liquid drips down into a
socket, where a thick cable connects to the wall, and sparks begin to
crackle from the connection. Sparks, accompanied by angry electrical pops,
work their way along the cabling towards a bank of components, and things
go from bad to worse when the whole console goes up in small explosion.
CASSANDRA tilts her head and stares at LISTER in admirably subdued
annoyance, before the entire column that housed her projection system
detonates in spectacular fashion. LISTER surveys his handiwork with a
pained expression]
LISTER
Smeg. Smeg...
[Highly embarassed, he turns and walks carefully out]
[--------------------------- END OF "CASSANDRA" --------------------27:14--]
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-30807283547421540532012-11-01T10:03:00.002-07:002012-11-01T10:03:32.464-07:00Season 8 Episode 2, Back in the Red, part 2<pre>[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 2 -- BACK IN THE RED, part 2
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.3
25-26 February, 1999
Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
"The mining ship Red Dwarf
Reconstructed together with
its original crew, by an army
of microscopic robots
Reason - smeg knows"
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
This is the daily report of Captain F. Hollister of the mining ship Red
Dwarf. Several of my crew are presently being tried for crimes against the
Space Corps:
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
LISTER
This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you! And
you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
LISTER
I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story. Otherwise,
who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle
society.
I need your help, man.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
LISTER
I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist,
the works.
[...]
I can make you look like a genius. You can get promoted in the field, man,
you won't have to take exams --
[...]
Just, help me escape.
RIMMER
I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of
power and glory? You really think-- okay, I'll do it. But you'll have to
prove it to me first.
LISTER
You're on.
RIMMER
Get me promoted.
LISTER
You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit. There's a senile
version of Holly loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it.
[-- xx - Int. Starbug wreckage --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER has returned to the wreckage of Starbug and is searching through the
remains of the terminals. He ejects a disk from one such]
RIMMER
Yes!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
My captain, sir.
HOLLISTER
Rimmer, is this salute ever gonna end? Err, do I have time to go for a cup
of coffee? Maybe go on vacation?
RIMMER
Nearly finished sir. It's my very special extra long salute, I reserve for
the especially important, sir.
HOLLISTER
You wanted to see me?
RIMMER
I'm concerned over some of the safety procedures on board, sir. There's a
potentially lethal scenario concerning drive plates, sir. Obviously, anyone
who mis-repaired one of these plates would have to have a brain the size of
a leprechaun's testicle, nevertheless, sir, like German tourists, the stupid
are everywhere.
I propose the following new safety procedures, sir.
HOLLISTER
Did you really think of this?
RIMMER
Permission to look smug, sir.
HOLLISTER
Permission granted.
Good work, Rimmer. Great work.
RIMMER
Oh, before I go, sir. Happy wedding anniversary, sir.
I'm sure you must be missing her terribly.
HOLLISTER
A blueberry muffin... like Martha used to make... thanks, Rimmer...
Dismissed.
RIMMER
Ah, sir, just one more thing. I know the medical guys think we've run out
of this stuff, but I discovered a couple of un-opened medi-crates in
Storage, sir. If this is useful to you in any way, it's yours - no questions
asked.
HOLLISTER
"Anus Soothe Pile Cream. The easy-to-apply cream that comes with its own
special glove."
RIMMER
"One size fits all"... I could tell from your walk.
HOLLISTER
Rimmer... could you post this for me?
RIMMER
Why, certainly, sir.
Oh, its addressed to me, sir?
HOLLISTER
I'm giving a supper for some of the guys that I've marked out for greater
things.
RIMMER
And you want me to be the wine waiter, sir?
HOLLISTER
This report is first rate! Now, I *want* you to come to supper. See you on
Friday. Incidentally, its black tie...
RIMMER
Thai, Chinese, I'll eat anything, sir! Though, I would prefer it if it
wasn't black... any chance of having mine medium-rare, sir?
HOLLISTER
Just go! Wear what the hell you want...
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[MEDIC present]
[Enter KRYTEN]
MEDIC
Get undressed.
MEDIC
Fill this up, behind the screen.
[KRYTEN fills the specimen bottle with flowers]
[MEDIC tries to measure KRYTEN's blood pressure (oil pressure?), but
succeeds only in inflating the hand on the mechonoids other arm. The over-
inflated hand blows off and raspberry's its way around the room]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[MEDIC, KRYTEN present]
[KRYTEN lies on his back on a table, legs apart and in stirrups. The MEDIC
stands between KRYTEN's legs, holding a power drill. MEDIC unscrews two
bolts, whereupon KRYTEN's head falls off and rolls out of the room]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KOCHANSKI present]
[Enter NURSE, KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, hi...
[Exit NURSE]
KOCHANSKI
What are you doing here?
What's wrong?
KRYTEN
I've been classified as a woman.
KOCHANSKI
A woman, why?
KRYTEN
Well, because I haven't got a... [sotto voce] penis...
It's a Space Corps. directive to prevent gender ambiguity in jail. What's
the saying, "if you've got nothing to swing, you can't be with Bing".
KOCHANSKI
Well, what happened, did you lose it?
KRYTEN
I was never issued with one, ma'am. Well, why would I need one, unless
somehow I lost both arms and there was an emergency situation to write my
name in the snow.
KOCHANSKI
So, you mean, you've never had a steak, pie, peas and chips set?
KRYTEN
I think the phrase is "meat and two veg", ma'am.
No, the only mechanoids that were ever issued with genitals were the ones
created to work on Italian starships. It was felt they could acclimatise
themselves better if they could mimic their Italian crewmates and stand
around cupping themselves all day.
KOCHANSKI
But hey, now you're a woman its going to mean some big changes in the way
you behave.
KRYTEN
I'm not going to be a woman for long, ma'am. Just overnight. They want my
permission to repair my corrupted files. Tomorrow afternoon. Restore my
factory settings!
KOCHANSKI
But your corrupted files are what makes you *you*!
KRYTEN
I've been diagnosed as being quirky and unstable!
KOCHANSKI
Oh!
KRYTEN
Spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska! Quirky!? How could they reach a
verdict like that? And as for unstable! It makes me so...
[KRYTEN's face spasms]
KOCHANSKI
Darn it, I still haven't got the hang of that emotion, have I?
What was it supposed to be?
KRYTEN
Ambivalence. Didn't come out right though, did it? I look like Mister
Lister when he's forced to eat fruit.
KOCHANSKI
Well, look, what are you going to do?
KRYTEN
Why, I have to go along with them, ma'am... I can't say no, they *are* my
superiors.
KOCHANSKI
Look, you've *got* to say no!
KRYTEN
I can't! They're better than me, I'm, I'm not strong enough!
KOCHANSKI
Right, here's a tip: if you get scared tomorrow, just imagine what they
look like on the loo... can you see them?
KRYTEN
No, I... Ooh..! Yes, I can!
[laughs]
KOCHANSKI
Do they still seem better than you?
KRYTEN
No, ma'am!
KOCHANSKI
Do they still seem superior?
KRYTEN
No, ma'am!
KOCHANSKI
That's what you've got to do tomorrow! Just re-create that picture!
KRYTEN
It works for everyone!
KOCHANSKI
Yes!
Who are you looking at now?
KRYTEN
You, ma'am!
[laughs]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, two BAILIFFS present]
BAILIFF
Be upstanding.
[Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER KAREN NEWTON, CHIEF
ENGINEER]
LISTER
Just relax, Rimmer's gonna help us escape. This enquiry's a piece of cake,
we're just going through the motions...
HOLLISTER
Let's get this enquiry under way.
You have refused defense assistance, is that right?
[CAT calls a huddle]
CAT
Okay, this is what we do. I've watched a lot of TV shows and we all huddle
together like this and whisper for a while before we answer. It looks like
we know what we're doing!
[CAT breaks the huddle]
CAT
We intend to defend ourselves!
[CAT signals another huddle]
CAT
You see how good that looked?
[The four break]
HOLLISTER
Are you familiar with the mind scan?
LISTER
We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.
HOLLISTER
You are aware that it pictorially enhances the cognitive process, making
your innermost thoughts available for recording and viewing to a board of
enquiry?
KOCHANSKI
Yes, sir.
HOLLISTER
You understand that it will involve the administration of psychotropic
drugs, that is, drugs that affect your mental state, making this process
possible? If you accept, say 'aye'.
KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER
Aye.
HOLLISTER
Please sign the consent forms and seal them into the envelopes provided.
We reconvene at 10am tomorrow.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[LISTER present]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
The plan's working, Listy. Operation Get Rimmer Officerhood, Power and
Eminence, or G.R.O.P.E. for short, is bang on course.
LISTER
That information I gave you on the drive plates worked, then? Yes!
RIMMER
The Captain's face! He couldn't have been happier if I'd given him two
girls wresting in a giant vat of Baked Beans, then removed the girls and
handed him a spoon.
He's never been so pleased! And, get this, he's invited me to supper with
the movers and the shakers.
LISTER
The movers and the shakers? You're going to supper with some removal men
and a group of people suffering from Parkinson's Disease?
RIMMER
At last I'll be able to exorcise my father's disapproval. Those terrible,
sneery looks he used to give me, as he stood on the touchline watching me
captain the school's skipping team. Hew was never proud of me. What other
father would claim to have an alibi for his sperm on the night of
conception?
Who cares now? Not me, Listy. I'm on my way, up the ziggurat, lickety-
split.
LISTER
Well, don't forget your part of the deal. The override code for this so I
can leg it.
RIMMER
It's too soon, I'm not an officer yet!
LISTER
The trial begins tomorrow, man! Without the nanobots our defence has got
more holes than my socks.
RIMMER
But once you've legged it, where does that leave me? I'm not helping you
escape and losing all my insider knowledge. I'm not an officer yet.
LISTER
Woh! we shook hands on a deal!
RIMMER
Yeah but, Lister, you know me; my handshake's less reliable than a
plumber's estimate.
LISTER
No escapo, no more info.
RIMMER
Listy, its not going to help you. I've got the confidential files. Plus, I
went through Starbug's salvage, and I found these:
LISTER
The Luck virus... Sexual Magnetism.
RIMMER
Positive viruses, Holly told me everything. Take some of this, it gives
you luck, and this, gives you sexual magnetism.
I've already tried some; right now, Yvonne McGruder is sleeping off the
first twenty-three pages of the Kame Sutra.
LISTER
So, you reneged on the deal, then? Breaking your promise? So you're a
total scum-sucking, two-faced, weaselly weasel?
RIMMER
Ah, my entry in "Who's Who".
[Exit RIMMER]
LISTER
You left some of your luck behind, man. I touched the tube...
[LISTER taps a code into his security bracelet; its pops open and he pulls
it off. He enters random numbers into the wall panel and the force field
covering the entrance to his cell disappears. He steps out]
LISTER
Sheer luck...
[A third sequence of numbers this time entered into the outside wall panel
opens the exit]
[Exit LISTER]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[CHIEF ENGINEER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER, COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, NON-SPEAKING
EXTRA, KRYTEN, MP THORNTON present]
C.ENGINEER
You may, if you prefer, stand with the others tomorrow and face the
charges against you. However, I advise that you have your corrupted files
repaired, after which you may go free. What is your decision?
KRYTEN
Nnnn--, nnnnn--, nnnnnnnn--, oh, its no good!
[KRYTEN whips the sidearm from MP THORNTON's hip holster]
COUNSELLOR MCLAREN
Okay, let's all stay calm! No need to be -- After all, Kryten is merely
holding us hostage, which is lovely! Isn't it, everyone? Lovely.
CMO
We don't want any trouble. We'll just do what you say.
KRYTEN
Come on, then. Come with me.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Enter NON-SPEAKING EXTRA, MP THORNTON, COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, CHIEF MEDICAL
OFFICER, CHIEF ENGINEER, KRYTEN]
KRYTEN [OOS]
Come on, inside, inside, that's it. Come on, all of you,
quick-quick-quick-quick. There we go, that's it.
KRYTEN
Now, I want you to take down your pants, and sit on a toilet.
C.ENGINEER
My god, he's mad!
CMO
Then what're you going to do to us..?
KRYTEN
I'm going to look at you.
C.ENGINEER
He's totally mad!
CMO
Just... do what he says...
COUNSELLOR MCLAREN
Lovely...
[KRYTEN views each of his hostages in turn, laughing gleefully]
KRYTEN
Now I want you to ask me the question again.
C.ENGINEER
What question??
KRYTEN
"Do I want to have my corrupted files repaired?"
CMO
Do you want to have your corrupted files repaired?
KRYTEN
Nnnnnn--, nnnnnnn--, nnnnnn-no. I did it. No, nnnnn-no, I don't. The
answer to the question is no. No doubt about it, I do not want to have my
corrupted files repaired. The answer is nnnnno!
[Enter SECURITY OFFICERS]
[Overjoyed, KRYTEN fails to notice the footsteps of the two secutity
officers who charge in behind him. One raises a hypo-spray to KRYTEN's
neck and he goes out like a light]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KOCHANSKI, LISTER present]
KOCHANSKI
-- And, you just put in any code you felt like, and the Luck virus made
you pick the right one? That's brilliant!
LISTER
Yeah, just rubbed m' finger over the top of the tube.
KOCHANSKI
That's brilliant! That's just brilliant!
Ahh, its a pity you didn't do the same with the sexual magnetism.
[LISTER considers for a moment as KOCHANSKI shifts her attention elsewhere.
He surreptitously runs his fingertips over his tongue. After a moment,
KOCHANSKI turns to regard him]
KOCHANSKI
Is that a new shirt..?
LISTER
Nah... I've had it a while.
KOCHANSKI
Oh - it's really nice.
LISTER
Thanks.
KOCHANSKI
It's really, really, nice; really suits you.
LISTER
Thanks!
KOCHANSKI
Brings out the... brown-ness, in your eyes...
[Suddenly she grabs LISTER's lapels and drags him in for a kiss. Pulling off
the belt of LISTER's boiler suit, KOCHANSKI tugs the suit off his shoulders
and shoves a surprised LISTER against the lift wall, following inches
behind to plant another passionate kiss on his lips. Wasting no time,
KOCHANSKI drags LISTER to the ground, pulls of his and her own cap, and
goes in for the kill. However, mere seconds later the kissing stops as
abruptly as it started and KOCHANSKI recoils, horrified]
KOCHANSKI
Oh, god, Dave! I am *so* sorry! Oh! I don't know what happened there!
LISTER
I think I do. I had some Sexual Magnetism virus on this hand, but the Luck
virus cured it for me.
[LISTER scowls at his fingertips]
LISTER
Thanks, pal.
KOCHANSKI
I don't know what got into me.
LISTER
Well. Nothing, sadly.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[KRYTEN present]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[CHIEF ENGINEER present]
[CLOSE UP on video screen. A figure appears and begins narrating an
interactive diagnostic utility]
NARRATOR
Hello. I'm the Data Doctor. if you would like me to examine your hard disk
press 'Examine'
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
NARRATOR
Your mechanoid appears to have developed the following rogue emotions:
affection, arrogance, envy, guilt, humour, insecurity, petulance,
possessiveness, snobbery, and love. If you would like to eradicate these
emotions from his database, press 'Fix'.
All bad line blocks and corrupted personality disks have now been fixed.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
NARRATOR
Please reboot your mechanoid.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
NARRATOR
His personality has now been restored to its factory settings.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
KRYTEN
My name is Kryten, I am programmed to serve. Can I be of service?
C.ENGINEER
Bring me a coffee, please, Kryten.
KRYTEN
Certainly, ma'am.
C.ENGINEER
Then you may scrub the floor.
KRYTEN
Yes, ma'am.
C.ENGINEER
Are you happy --
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
C.ENGINEER [VO]
-- Kryten?
KRYTEN
I have no understanding of human emotions, ma'am. I am programmed to
serve.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
C.ENGINEER
Excellent.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
I'm going to be 'Colin Charisma' at the Captain's table with this stuff.
[RIMMER takes a sip of the Sexual Magnetism virus]
WOMEN
Hi...
WOMEN
Hi...
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER, HOLLISTER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER, four other FEMALE OFFICERS, one
other MALE OFFICER present]
RIMMER
-- And if we approach light speed, I think we have to be aware we could
come across something I believe we'll experience called 'future echoes'.
Certain pockets of... futurey things. From the future.
CMO
How fascinating... What a fascinating man you are, Mister Rimmer...
HOLLISTER
I think we've greatly underestimated you over the years, Arnold. Now, let
me find out where that coffee is.
CMO
Oh no, Captain, please, allow me. Perhaps, ah, you could help me, Mister
Rimmer..?
RIMMER
Why, certainly, and perhaps we can talk about my theory on backwards
universes?
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Enter RIMMER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER]
RIMMER
-- And, of course, in a backwards universe many things begin to make more
sense --
[The CMO has been staring at RIMMER lustily while she followed him; as soon
as they enter the galley she grabs his shoulder, spins him to face her and
smothers his lips with a kiss]
CMO
Oh - my - god - you are sexy! So very, very sexy!
[The CMO shove RIMMER through a door into an adjoining room cramped marked
'Captain's Galley'
[Exit RIMMER, CMO]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER present]
CAT
Bravo, bud! What now?
LISTER
Well, we find Kryten, get to the landing bay, grab a ship and get the hell
outta town.
He's on this floor.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
LISTER
Here he is!
Kryten, come on.
KRYTEN
Are you addressing me, sir? I don't believe we've had the pleasure.
LISTER
What have they done to you, Kryten? You sound like Noel Coward's elocution
teacher!
KRYTEN
Well, if you'll forgive me, sir, I have my duties to perform. Good day.
KOCHANSKI
Aw, they've fixed all his corrupted files. He mustn't have been able to
say 'no'.
Someone's coming.
LISTER
We've got to get a better disguise.
CAT
We've already got a disguise!
LISTER
What's the point of a disguise if you wear it under your normal outfit,
Cat?
CAT
A grey boiler suit? You think I'm gonna wear this on the outside?? Ha!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
LISTER
Look, we're not leaving without him. I don't care what they've done to
him, he's coming with us. He's part of the posse.
CAT
Hey! I got a great idea for a new disguise!
LISTER
What?
CAT
The Dibbley family!
LISTER
Yess!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
HOLLISTER
Ahhh, there you are! Any... news on the coffee?
RIMMER
Drat. We forgot. I'll find out right away, sir.
LARGE FEMALE OFFICER
I'll give you a hand, Mister Rimmer...
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER, FEMALE OFFICER present]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
THORNTON
Sorry to interrupt... sir, but we're searching this floor for the escaped
prisoners.
CAT
Sorry, we haven't seen them. Just me, my wife, here, and my brother.
LISTER
Hello!
KOCHANSKI
Hi!
LISTER
Hi.
THORNTON
I don't recollect seeing you guys before..?
CAT
That's because we don't go around much looking like this.
THORNTON
What do you guys do?
KOCHANSKI, CAT, LISTER
...Computer programmers.
THORNTON
Well, if you see anything suspicious, call security, okay?
KOCHANSKI
Er, you bet.
KRYTEN
Begging your pardon, sirs, I just need to get a mop.
How peculiar, my mop-heads are missing.
Don't I know you, sir? Wayne... Wayne, something. Wayne Wibbley? Where do
I know you from?
CAT
No, no, sir, you're mistaken. You're mixing me up with some other
big-teeth dork.
LISTER
No, let him speak.
Where do you know him from?
CAT
Are you out of your mind?
LISTER
Shh-shh! Where do you know him from? Think!
KRYTEN
I think I'm about to discover something wonderful, but, when I discover
it, it will put someone in great danger. I feel an emotion. I feel two
emotions; two different emotions! I feel-- I feel--
KOCHANSKI
Ambivalence?
KRYTEN
I can feel my files corrupting... they're... corrupting, I... oohh, ohhh,
oh yes, that's good! Oohh! I'm back, and I'm bad! Obviously, within certain
sensible pre-set parameters...
HOLLY
Attention, attention! Reported prisoner sighting on C-deck, reported
prisoner sighting on C-deck!
LISTER
Nice one, Holl...
What's wrong with you?
KOCHANSKI
Well, do you get the impression this is too easy? Like, everything's going
for us? Like they almost *want* us to escape!
[LISTER holds up a finger]
Hey, I was just thinking aloud!
LISTER
No, no! The Luck virus, it's helping us.
LISTER [to KRYTEN]
Put your kit on.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
RIMMER
Here we are! Remembered the coffee at last.
HOLLISTER
What about the mints?
I'll go. Would you like to help me, Mister Rimmer..?
RIMMER
It's just, I've got so much coffee, I don't think I could manage to get
any mints until tomorrow...
HOLLISTER
Well, the psychotropic testing should be well underway by now. Those
results sure are going to be interesting.
RIMMER
Psychotropic what?
HOLLISTER
The Lister case is so unusual I decided to invoke my right to use
psychotropic evidence. The accused are drugged, wired to a mainframe, then
the computer feeds in various hypothetical scenarios and their reactions are
laid down on tape.
Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what
they do...
RIMMER
So, that means, that if anyone happens to mention any... special
agreements... that they've entered into, then --
Could you excuse me? I think I... left the iron on...
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
WOMEN
Hi...
RIMMER
Hi!
What is wrong with me?? I've got the sexual appetite of a mountain lion,
no, worse, a first year nursing student!
It's just being wanted, it's such an aphrodisiac. Got to get some
control back!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER picks up a hypodermic filled with local anaesthetic, confirms the
contents, then empties the contents into his nether-regions. He jiggles his
hips for a moment until the effects start to kick in, then picks up a
reflex-testing mallet and thumps his groin solidly three times. Observing
no detectable sensation, he nods to himself, returns the hammer and leaves]
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[RIMMER begins to lose feeling in his legs, they appear to turn rubbery and
RIMMER begins to have trouble walking]
RIMMER
Hi.
WOMEN
Hi...
HOLLISTER
Never realised you were so damn popular with the ladies... Maybe you can
share your secret sometime?
RIMMER
Yes, sir.
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
[Enter two SKUTTERS]
LISTER
Guys, it's Bob and Max.
Go on, shoo, guys, shoo, go on! We're trying to escape, but you'll never
get past security, so go on! Go on!
[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]
"TO BE CONTINUED..."
[-------------------- END OF "BACK IN THE RED, part 2" -------------xx:xx--]
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor;
no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms
and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk" Thanks.]
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-75918213225636936482012-11-01T10:00:00.003-07:002012-11-01T10:02:57.223-07:00Season 8, Episode 1 - Back in the Red<pre>[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 1 -- BACK IN THE RED
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.4
18-20 February, 1999
Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
[-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------]
[Inside a vast, man-made structure]
[-- 2 - Int. Small, cell-like room ----------------------------------------]
[LISTER, RIMMER present]
LISTER
Remember Argyle Somerfield, an old movie star? Eighty-three, according to
this, an' he's just had a baby with his nurse!
'"It was love at first sight", she cooed, "I've always liked older men."'
God, if she ever ran into Tutankhamen he wouldn't stand a chance! She'd
have his bandages off before you can say "silicon implants". There's some
pictures of them here with the new-born.
LISTER
There's Argyle, and there's the baby.
No no no no, *there's* Argyle, and *there's* the baby! I was thrown for a
minute by the bib and the bonnet. Thought that was the baby at first!
LISTER
An eighty-three year old dad! How's that gonna work? I bet *he's* not
gonna get up in the middle of the night to give the baby its feed. Probably
pretend to be dead!
LISTER
"Darling, can you give the baby his bottle tonight?"
It's not gonna work, is it?
LISTER
The only advantage, as far as I can see, is the wife can change both their
nappies at the same time.
LISTER
Are you still not talking to me? It's unbelievably childish, y' know.
I've a good mind to fill your shoes with runny porridge again. Teach you
a lesson about maturity...
LISTER
All right, I'll tell you what: I bet I can make you say something in the
next... minute. Twenty big ones. Shake on it...
LISTER
All right, if I'm on, say nothing.
I'm on! Okay. I'm gonna say something, all right, an' you're
gonna totally lose it. Are you ready? Y' ready?
All right. Several years ago, when money was not abundant, and I needed
- I mean *medically needed* - a pint, I took some money from your purse.
Oh God, it was horrible going in there. 'The wallet that time forgot'.
Not that there was any point; the barman on B-deck wouldn't serve me. He
said doubloons weren't legal tender any more. Said you should have handed
them in after the Spanish Armada!
LISTER
Thought that'd get you going. You hate digs about your stinginess.
Usually makes you so agitated that you've gotta go and make a cup of tea
with a brand new teabag. Well, still, plenty of time to go.
LISTER
Remember Yvonne McGruder?
You really liked her, didn't you? I used to go out with her, y'know.
Before you did. You didn't know that, did you? Broke up in the end. Really
hurt me. Still got the scars today. They never heal, carpet burns, do they?
LISTER
*Both cheeks, man*! She nearly wore them down to the *bone*!
RIMMER
*Will you shut up!*
LISTER
What did I tell you? Twenty big ones!
RIMMER
I've been listening to you whittling on now for what seems like two ice
ages! My mind is so numb and brain-dead I feel like I've just attended a
three-day seminar entitled "The Future of Plumbing". Have you any idea how
irritating you've just been? You're a master! There are things you could
teach to tropical skin diseases!
LISTER
Well, talk to me then.
RIMMER
No.
LISTER
Look, I'm sorry, okay? How many times do you want me to say it? I - am -
sorry!
RIMMER
No - you're - not!
LISTER
It was an accident!
RIMMER
An accident? You poured a hole tube of it over me, you disgusting,
rotting, fetid piece of congealed monkey-vomit.
LISTER
Oh, at last you're talking to me. I knew we'd make it up.
*Eighty-three*!
[-- x - Interlude ---------------------------------------------------------]
"3 DAYS EARLIER"
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------]
[CAT present, at his station at the helm, also presumed out-of-shot]
[Suddenly, CAT blinks in disbelief and stares out of the cockpit bubble.
Before him, space has turned red. A vast metal redness that stretches up,
down, left, and right - miles in any direction.]
CAT [VO]
Hey, it seems even bigger than I remember...
[CAT pilots Starbug into the docking tunnel. Even taking his natural flying
skills into account, there's no danger whatsoever that Starbug may scrape
the sides of the tunnel as it has done so many times in the past - there is
a curiously large amount of empty space between the transport craft and
the tunnel walls.
Starbug emerges into the docking bay, and suddenly, something very
important becomes apparent. There is a Starbug already docked... a very
*large* Starbug in a very *large* docking bay. Starbug's engines suddenly
seem to buzz, insect-like, in the vastness of the docking bay, and CAT
deftly pilots his 'Bug under the bulbous body of the other craft and
through it's pillar-like legs]
CAT [VO]
Errr, guyyys... we've got a problem..!
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
Hey guys! Look at my body!
CAT
There's an invitation that will *not* cause a stampede.
LISTER
No! It's back to normal.
KRYTEN
No time for that now, sir. We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf and
Starbug appears to be expanding.
KOCHANSKI
It's not Starbug that's expanding, it's Red Dwarf that's shrinking!
LISTER
It must be something to do with the nanobot's molecular process. Just
like my body!
CAT
We're being sucked into a vent! Can't fight it!
KOCHANSKI
Air vent walls closing in.
KRYTEN
We must take action. Be bold, positive, decisive. Suggest we move from
blue alert to red alert, sir.
CAT
Forget red! Let's go all the way up to brown alert!
KRYTEN
But there's no such thing as brown alert, sir.
CAT
You won't be saying that in a minute. And don't say I didn't alert you!
[Enter HOLLY]
HOLLY
All right, dudes. Anyone fancy a game of charades using just your noses,
or is this a bad time?
LISTER
Holly, man, we're about to get crushed to death!
HOLLY
So that's a 'no', then, is it?
KRYTEN
Once the nano's rebuilt the ship, I thought things were going to get back
to normal!
KOCHANSKI
We don't know where we are, what to do, and haven't got a clue what's
happening. Things *are* back to normal!
HOLLY
You don't even fancy a bit of a quick one? Science-fiction film, name of
the ship, one word:
The Nostrilomo! Spent a week thinking that one up! Good, innit?
KRYTEN
Computing time to impact... calculations coming through - here they come.
LISTER
How long have we got?
KRYTEN
About the time it takes to read a stop sign, sir.
CAT
That's okay then. I don't always get through those in one sitting!
KOCHANSKI
What are our chances of getting out of here?
KRYTEN
About the same odds as discovering Mister Lister saddle-stitching the
hem of a pair of linen maternity slacks.
LISTER
I must admit, it's been a while since I did that.
Can't you get this crate to go faster? It's gonna be like getting crushed
to death under a gigantic trouser press!
CAT
Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free! I always prayed I'd go out like
that!
KOCHANSKI
There may be a way through this if we take a detour. Past
Epsilon 14 and take a right at the hydro unit. We'll save about two
minutes!
KRYTEN
What do you say, sir? I don't understand a woman who's hurtling towards
thirty and still has a teddy bear called 'Booboo', but, when it comes to
navigation, there's none finer!
LISTER
What's your view, Holl?
HOLLY
Straight up your nose when you lean in like that.
LISTER
Epsilon 14.
KRYTEN
There's - there's - there's some kind of heartbeat up ahead, and it's
beating at an incredible rate!
CAT
You mean there's a heart out there with no body? No wonder it's beating
so fast.
[The bug flies into the back of a rat]
HOLLY
I hope we don't get stopped by the cops. They don't like it when you're
rat-arsed...
[By now, Red Dwarf has shrunk enough that Starbug, passing through a
hatchway, jams its rear module against the walls and rips itself free]
CAT
According to the desk we've lost all engines!
Didn't I read somewhere that can seriously affect your ability to fly?
[The second bubble is torn off the ship]
KRYTEN
Now we've lost the mid-section and the kitchen! I'm sorry everyone, but
we may have to have sandwiches for lunch!
[the remaining piece of Starbug smashes into a storage hangar and comes to
rest. Waiting only long enough for the crew to flee, the cockpit module
then explodes messily. Three people in yellow Hazardous Environment suits
approach the survivors - two of them un-mask]
SELBY
Dave?
LISTER
Selby! Chen! Is it really you?
CHEN
Is it really us? Hang on, I'll check.
Yeah, I think it's us.
LISTER
Guys! This is brilliant! I can't believe it!
KRYTEN
You know these people, sir?
LISTER
Know them? When they've been drunk and unconscious I've taken
their clothes off and painted parts of them green! Course I know them! This
is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie!
CAT
How?
KOCHANSKI
The nano's must have resurrected *them* along with the ship.
LISTER
This is Chen.
He works in the kitchen and he's always drunk, and this is Selby - and
he's always drunk too! Where's Peterson?
CHEN
He couldn't make it. He's drunk!
KRYTEN
The crew are all alive, sir! This is great news! Wonderful, marvelous,
incredible news! All that extra ironing! Bliss!
[Two more people, officers, arrive - one pushes LISTER away from his friends
before stepping into view]
HOLLISTER
Mister Thornton, read them their rights.
THORNTON
David Lister, you are formally charged with stealing and crashing a
Starbug. You are also charged with having no pilot's license, and smuggling
two stowaways on board, along with Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski.
Anything you say now, or do not say now, may be used at a board of
enquiry against you. Do you require any form of aid?
LISTER
Yeah, lemonade in a really large scotch.
[-- x - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, THORNTON, MP, marching double-time]
LISTER, THORNTON
Left - right - left - right - left - right!
LISTER
Try and relax! You're gonna burst a blood vessel!
THORNTON
Shut up, you maggot! Do you understand? *Do you understand*!?
LISTER
Yes!
THORNTON
*"Yes -" what*!?
LISTER
"Yes, Mister... Shouty"..?
THORNTON
"YES - SIR"!
[-- x - Int. Sleeping Quarters --------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, THORNTON, MP]
THORNTON
Left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right
- left - right - Halt!
Lift arm.
THORNTON
At ease.
[THORNTON attaches a security bracelet to LISTER's wrist]
[Exit THORNTON, MP]
[Enter HOLLY]
HOLLY
All right, dude.
LISTER
They don't know about you yet, Holl. It might be an idea to keep it that
way. I need some info. If the board of enquiry find us guilty tomorrow, what
happens then?
HOLLY
Well, they'll probably have a pot of tea, a bit of a chat, and go
home, I suppose.
LISTER
What happens to us, you divvy, not them!
HOLLY
Well if you lose, you'll probably get a couple of years in the brig.
LISTER
What brig?
HOLLY
The brig on floor 13.
LISTER
There isn't a floor 13!
HOLLY
Yeah, there is. It was classified. A need-to-know only basis.
LISTER
So who knew?
HOLLY
Well, all the officers, and anyone who's ever seen the Twilight Zone.
LISTER
So what's it like, this brig?
HOLLY
Well if I was an estate agent, I'd probably describe it as an old-style
penal establishment, abundant wildlife, two-hundred bedrooms, all with
ensuite buckets.
LISTER
Smeggin' hell.
HOLLY
They call it The Tank. There was an inmate population of four-hundred, all
being transported to Adelphi 12. Presumably, they've all been resurrected
too.
LISTER
What are they like? No don't tell me, I already know. They're all
deranged, hairy no-lobes with breath like old nappies, arms like toilet
walls... scum of the universe. They're all like that, aren't they?
HOLLY
Well, the nice ones are, yeah. Hang on, I've got one of them on
file somewhere. Here we go:
[HOLLY's image is replaced by a terrifying face sporting a green, tribal
haircut and hundreds of studs and rings]
NIGEL
I'm Nigel. I'm nice!
[HOLLY re-appears]
HOLLY
See what I mean? They're not all headbangers. Nige is lovely, though he
does tend to get a bit narky if you go too close to him with a magnet.
[Enter RIMMER]
LISTER
Thanks very much Holl. Y' really cheering me up.
The brig. Two years..!
Two years without curry and lager! Two years without sex!
RIMMER
You hope!
LISTER
Rimmer!
RIMMER
Word's out they're going to throw the book at you, Listy! Followed by the
bookcase, and then the library, brick by brick.
LISTER
God, it's you like you used to be. Ughhh.
RIMMER
What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug, meladdo! You're a technician!
A zero! A nobody!
LISTER
This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you! And
you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots!
RIMMER
I died?
LISTER
Yeah.
RIMMER
All the crew died?
LISTER
Yeah.
RIMMER
And you're going to spend the next two years in the brig with a
load of neanderthals with badly spelled tattoos. So where are we, is it my
heaven?
LISTER
Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out. I survived because I was in
stasis. Then these nano's arrived... rebuilt the ship, and resurrected the
crew.
RIMMER
So where are they?
LISTER
Dunno... gone, scarpered. Maybe I should take the fifth?
RIMMER
The fifth? If I were you, I'd take the sixth, seventh and eighth, too.
LISTER
I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story. Otherwise,
who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle
society.
I need your help, man.
RIMMER
Me?
LISTER
Who else is going to help me? I'm confined to quarters. The minute I walk
though that door, I get enough wattage up my jacksie to light up the whole
of Bootle!
RIMMER
Well, considering what the future has in store for your jacksie, a couple
of zillion volts is going to be easy street...
[-- x - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf-------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]
KOCHANSKI
Why have the nanobots done this? Put us in this situation.
KRYTEN
In the past they have only ever done things that have ultimately
benefitted us. We should take comfort in that.
KOCHANSKI
Like what?
KRYTEN
Like when they first stole Red Dwarf and took us on a merry goose chase
halfway round the galaxy. They led us to Legion, where Mister Rimmer
acquired a hard light body.
KOCHANSKI
Benefit.
KRYTEN
And then they took us back to Red Dwarf and rebooted Holly.
KOCHANSKI
Benefit. And, after that, they led you to the temporal rip where you met
me!
[KRYTEN stalks off]
[Exit KRYTEN]
[-- x - Int./Ext. Scene Desc ----------------------------------------------]
[CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER present]
[Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER]
CMO
What's this rumour that we're three million light years into Deep Space,
and Red Dwarf's changed shape?
HOLLISTER
That is classified information, Karen! Who the hell told you that?
CMO
The coffee machine on G-deck.
HOLLISTER
That damn coffee machine. I'm gonna bust his ass down to tampon dispenser!
CMO
Is it true?
HOLLISTER
Until we get Holly back up, we can't verify it. Starbug took out one of
his CPU banks in the crash and we're having trouble rebooting.
CMO
The coffee machine said the ship's now identical to its original design
plans, before the JMC made all its cutbacks?
HOLLISTER
We now have a quark-level matter/anti-matter generator, ship-wide
bio-organic computer networking, and a karaoke bar on C-deck.
CMO
But how? And how did we wind up in Deep Space?
HOLLISTER
Nobody knows...
[-- x - Int. Medical lab --------------------------------------------------]
[CAT present]
[Enter HOLLISTER, CMO]
CMO
We don't believe this one's human. Take a look at this.
[They look under the blanket covering CAT]
HOLLISTER
Has he got the measles?
CMO
Those are his nipples, Frank.
HOLLISTER
Six nipples? I wonder what the female of the species is like?
CAT
Pretty easy to please in bed! Especially if you play the piano.
CMO
His internal organs are different too.
HOLLISTER
In what way?
CMO
His kidney, liver, appendix, are all colour co-ordinated. And
even weirder, his stomach wall appears to be decorated.
HOLLISTER
This guy's intestines look better than my quarters.
CMO
His heartbeat's weird too. Instead of a normal heartbeat, his
sounds... cooler...
CAT
You think I'm going to have the dorky human heartbeat? D-dff,
d-dff, d-dff, d-dff. Where's the tune in that?
HOLLISTER
Let me hear it.
[Fx: Pf-pbb-pbb-p-pbb, pf-pbb-pbb-p-pbb]
CMO
Also, his pulse is a different rhythm.
[Fx: pulse is layered with the heartbeat, creating a trippy bongo breakbeat]
HOLLISTER
Oh, that's good. Can you slam that down onto a tape for me?
[-- x - Int. Anteroom aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------------]
[LISTER, RIMMER present]
LISTER
Rimmer, I'm begging you man: help me escape. I've got to track down these
nanobots.
RIMMER
I'm not risking my career and standing for you, Listy. I'm going places!
LISTER
"Up the ziggurat, lickety-split"...
RIMMER
Up the ziggurat, lickety-split, precisely! I'm going to pass the
engineering exam!
LISTER
"And become an officer"...
RIMMER
And become an officer, yes! An officer. A guy of honour, decency and
breeding.
LISTER
Are you saying I haven't got those qualities?
RIMMER
Generally, people with breeding, when they're bored and want my bridge
club chums to wrap up and go home, people with breeding, generally, do not
play 'Popeye the Sailor Man' with a kazoo inserted between their buttocks.
LISTER
I remember that! I used to do that sort of thing, didn't I?
RIMMER
And while we're on the subject, when someone has had a tad too much
claret, and has fallen asleep naked on their bunk, people of honour
generally don't take a polaroid of your snoozing todger, draw a moustache,
mouth and ears on it, and then pin it up on the bulletin board under
'missing persons'.
They don't write underneath, "Have you seen this man? Believed to be a
French movie star".
LISTER
As if your todger with a couple of eyes drawn on it would look like a
French movie star. Way too good looking.
RIMMER
Don't expect help from me, Lister.
LISTER
But that was years ago...
RIMMER
It was last week!
LISTER
Last week for you, because you've just been resurrected; years ago for me.
And anyway I was whirlitzered then. I even finished off the advocar. I even
downed that smeg-awful pink stuff down the back of the drinks cabinet.
RIMMER
That was my Windowlene... I must have left it there when I was cleaning
the glass.
LISTER
It tasted all right with that Chartruess green liqueurey thing.
RIMMER
You drank my Swarfega too? You're unbelievable.
LISTER
Look, I've changed, I'm different now... more mature, more debonair. I
don't even stir my tea with a spanner any more. You'd hardly recognise me.
RIMMER
Have you stopped playing the guitar?
LISTER
No, but I've stopped accompanying myself on the armpit. What I'm trying to
say is that I don't need to take my frustrations out on you anymore.
RIMMER
How's that?
LISTER
I've been away, what is it? Five, six years, not counting stasis? I've
done stuff! Stuff that would make your hair straight. I've come through it.
I can help you...
RIMMER
Do what?
LISTER
Get promoted.
RIMMER
Preposterous!
How?
LISTER
Information. I've seen the crew's confidential reports. I've seen their
strengths and weaknesses...
RIMMER
How?
LISTER
Well before you were resurrected, I had the run of the whole of the ship.
I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist,
the works. Knowledge is power. Who said that?
RIMMER
I don't know.
LISTER
Nor do I. The point I'm trying to make is, I can make you look like a
genius. You can get promoted in the field, man, you won't have to take
exams, or do that astro-engineering smeg... Just, help me escape.
RIMMER
I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of
power and glory? You really think-- okay, I'll do it. But you'll have to
prove it to me first.
LISTER
You're on.
RIMMER
Get me promoted.
LISTER
You've got it.
RIMMER
Okay, deal.
LISTER
You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit. There's a senile
version of Holly loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it.
[-- x - Int./Ext. Medical office aboard Red Dwarf -------------------------]
[KRYTEN, COUNSELLOR present]
COUNSELLOR
Hello, I'm Doctor Lucas McLaren; I am the ship's chief psychiatric
counsellor, and I thought it's about time we got together, and had a really
good natter.
KRYTEN
My name is Kryten, sir.
COUNSELLOR
Lovely! We are doing well, aren't we! Now, you're a robot, aren't you?
KRYTEN
I was, the last time I looked, sir, yes.
COUNSELLOR
And can you tell me, when you were created, can you remember?
KRYTEN
2340 sir.
COUNSELLOR
Very good, 2340. Now, that's in the future, isn't it?
KRYTEN
Yes sir, I was created after you died.
COUNSELLOR
Lovely! Lovely! So, I died, er, and you were created. And how long would
you say I've been dead, altogether?
KRYTEN
Oh, you're not dead any more, sir.
COUNSELLOR
Aren't I?
KRYTEN
No no, you're alive again now, sir. Can't you tell?
COUNSELLOR
Right! I *was* alive, died, and then started living again..?
KRYTEN
You have been most fortunate sir!
COUNSELLOR
I have, haven't I? Golly! Your chair is screwed down, isn't it, Kryten?
KRYTEN
Er, yes, sir?
COUNSELLOR
Just checking! Excellent, lovely, lovely! So-o, how did I suddenly spring
back to life again?
KRYTEN
You were rebuilt, sir, by these itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, teenty little
robots!
COUNSELLOR
'Teenty little robots'?
KRYTEN
And they make this little noise - 'miniminiminiminiminiminiminiminimini'!
COUNSELLOR
Yes, just double check that chair for me, would you, Kryten? It is still
screwed down, isn't it?
KRYTEN
Er, yes, sir.
COUNSELLOR
With really long, long screws that go deep, deep into the ground?
KRYTEN
Er, yes, sir.
COUNSELLOR
Okay, now tell me, what kind of robot do you think you are? What were you
programmed to do?
KRYTEN
Oh well, I'm a sanitation droid, sir. I'm programmed to do sanitation-type
things: washing, cleaning, ironing.
COUNSELLOR
Hmm. You also drive spaceships though, don't you? Pretend to be the
science officer, and sit in that lovely, swivelly chair, with all those
lovely, pretty buttons and press them all?
KRYTEN
Yes, I do that too, sir. That's sort of thanks to Mister Lister.
COUNSELLOR
Mister Lister..?
KRYTEN
He helped break my programming, sir. Over the years I have managed to
develop some serious character faults of which I'm extremely proud!
I'm even able to lie to a modest standard, for example: "you have a very
fine hair cut!"
You see how good I've got? Also, "I've completely mastered pomposity,
even though I say so myself!"
I've also developed several rudimentary emotions, including fear: "Oh my
God! It's going to kill us!"; sadness: "Oh my God, it's killed us";
happiness: "oh no it hasn't!"; surprise: "Oohh! I've turned into a frog!",
and just lately, I'm proud to say, I've got the hang of anger, with
rudimentary mindless violence:
KRYTEN
That's a newie. I was going to launch it at this year's Emotion
Show. At the moment, I'm working on ambivalence, which means feeling two
opposite, irreconcilable emotions about the same thing:
KRYTEN
As you can see, I haven't quite got the hang of that one yet. I look like
a dog with a caramel toffee.
COUNSELLOR
What is your relationship with Lister?
KRYTEN
I love Mister Lister, sir, he taught me everything. Without him, I'd
probably be normal.
COUNSELLOR
I'm going to make a recommendation now, Kryten, which I think will help
you, but just before I do, just double check that chair for me, would you?
[The counsellor rubber-stamps his form, the stamp bears the legend:
RESTORE TO FACTORY SETTINGS]
[-- x - Int. Starbug wreckage ---------------------------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER has returned to the wreckage of Starbug and is searching through the
remains of the terminals. He ejects a disk from one such]
RIMMER
Yes!
[RIMMER locates two small vials]
RIMMER
Luck virus; sexual magnetism?
[RIMMER activates HOLLY]
RIMMER
Holly, what's this?
HOLLY
Dave got them years ago from this scientist called Lanstrom. They're
positive viruses. One gives you sexual magnetism, and the other gives you
luck. Well, 'til your natural body defences combat the virus.
RIMMER
Sexual magnetism!
HOLLY
You gonna use it?
RIMMER
Is Paris a kind of plaster? You bet I am! A tiny swigette to see if it
works. Well, bottoms up!
Then bottoms down, and hopefully bottoms up again!
[A message flashes on HOLLY's screen: "SICKBAGS ON STANDBY"]
[-- x - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------------]
[Several female crewmembers present]
[Enter RIMMER]
WOMEN
Hi, Arn...
RIMMER
Ladies!
WOMEN
Hi, Arnold...
RIMMER
The world loves a bastard!
[Legend: "TO BE CONTINUED!"]
[----------------------- END OF "BACK IN THE RED" -------------------------]
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor;
no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms
and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk" Thanks.]
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-25080110224911643912012-11-01T10:00:00.000-07:002012-11-01T10:02:44.639-07:00Season 7 Episode 8, Nanarchy<pre>[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 7
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 8 -- NANARCHY
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.1
18 March, 1997
Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
Credits for corrections:
Sea
[-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]
KRYTEN [VO]
Last week, something terrible happenned to Mr Lister's arm! Watch this!
[-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict -------------------------------------]
[CAT present]
[Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT]
CAT
Hey guys, check this out!
There's a woman in there!
[-- x - Int. Starbug. Night ----------------------------------------------]
<Ice breaks open. Rotting feet touch the floor, and the decomposing figure
shuffles out of the medibay>
[-- x - Int. Sleeping Quarters. Night ------------------------------------]
[LISTER present]
<LISTER struggles, but can't keep the zombie away. She pins him down and
plants a sloppy, decomposing kiss on him. Lister pushes her away finally,
the corpse having gone suddenly limp, and spits out chunks of tongue and
spongy jawbone>
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
LISTER
I've been tongue-hockeyed to death!
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr Epideme, no
matter how drastic?
LISTER
Yeah, what have you got, Kryts?
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present. LISTER present, unconscious on the bed]
<Desperately, KRYTEN raises the laser bone-saw and amputates to the middle
of LISTER's upper arm>
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI, LISTER present]
LISTER
My *left* arm..? My left arm, I said! That's my right; what kind of
navigation officer can't tell left from right??
KOCHANSKI
We did the best we could; I am *so* sorry.
[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]
KRYTEN
Mr Lister, sir, you're awake!
CAT
Buddy, you look great!
<CAT rushes towards LISTER and, without thinking, offers a handshake. He
realises his mistake and slinks back>
[------------------ <RUN NEW RED DWARF 7 TITLE SEQUENCE> ------------------]
[-- x - Int. Starbuf mid-section -----------------------------------------]
[SHOT: LISTER playing the guitar, only his left hand on the fretboard is
visible. Pan out to:]
[TWO-SHOT: KRYTEN present, leaning over LISTER's right shoulder and
strumming the guitar. The noise is still hideous. Pan out]
[ALL present]
KRYTEN
Oh, bravo, sir! You see, there's no need for despondency; you can *still*
play the guitar!
LISTER
Yeah, look on the bright side... at least now I'm only *half* crap...
KRYTEN
We should still count all our blessings, sir.
KOCHANSKI
Kryten's right; the Epideme virus may have cost you a limb but there are
*countless* people who have lost an arm, and then gone on to lead a
perfectly -
<KOCHANSKI mimes the verbal quote marks using only one hand>
KOCHANSKI
- "normal" life.
LISTER
Like who?
KRYTEN
Oh, there are *thousands*, sir. Thousands upon thousands upon thousands.
LISTER
Like?
KOCHANSKI
More than thousands.
LISTER
Who?
KOCHANSKI
Millions!
LISTER
*Who*??
KRYTEN
Well, I don't know if I could name them all individually, but -
LISTER
Name *one*.
KRYTEN
One?
LISTER
Mm.
KRYTEN
You want me to name as many as that? Er -
KOCHANSKI
Lord Nelson. He beat the French.
KRYTEN
Lord Nelson! (Thank you, ma'am) He beat the French.
LISTER
Who else?
KRYTEN
Well, er, err...
KOCHANSKI
The Venus de Milo.
KRYTEN
The Venus de Milo. No arms at all, but that certainly didn't prevent her
from persuing a highly successful modeling career.
LISTER
Go on.
KRYTEN
Go on?
LISTER
You said there were millions; that's two, and one of them's a statue. So
go on: name five.
KRYTEN
Five? Right, well... there's, um <ahem> There's Lord Nelson, and, er,
Miss De Milo, and then there's, um, the, well, em... Help us! Er, the,
um -
CAT
The painter dude!
LISTER
What 'painter dude'?
CAT
The Welsh guy. You know? The one with one arm! Van G-g-gogh.
LISTER
He had one *ear*, Cat. He cut the other one off.
CAT
Did he?
LISTER
Yes.
CAT
See? That dude manages to cut off his own ear with just one arm, and
you're worried about not leading a normal life.
KOCHANSKI
There must be more... erm... that guy from 'The Fugitive'! He had one
arm, what was his name?
LISTER
'The One-Armed Man'.
KOCHANSKI
That's him! See? That's three.
LISTER
He was a murderer.
KOCHANSKI
Was he?
LISTER
Yeah. He killed Dr. Richard Kimbal's wife.
KOCHANSKI
But that proves my point. If that guy can murder a perfectly able-bodied
woman, minus a major extremity, then I don't think you've got anything to
worry about.
LISTER
Come on, let's face it guys: there aren't *any* noteworthy one-armed
people from history - you can't even name five.
KOCHANSKI
Of course we can! Look: Horatio Nelson; the one-armed guy from 'The
Fugitive'; the Venus de Milo; Van Gogh, and... one more...
CAT
That Mexican dude! The one who robbed people!
LISTER
What one who robbed people?
CAT
The one-armed bandit..!
LISTER
That's a *machine*, you gimp! One of the most popular pub games of the
twentieth century.
CAT
And it only had one arm? What a heartwarming story...
KOCHANSKI
Er! Dave Lister. There, that's five.
LISTER <sighing>
I'm going to the loo.
I don't actually need to go now, but seeing as it takes me forty five
minutes to unbutton m' fly, I should probably make a start...
KOCHANSKI
Do you need a hand..?
Oh my god! I'm sorry, I didn't mean that... sorry, I didn't - Sorry.
Sorry! SORRY!! Sorry.
KRYTEN
Biscuit, sir?
LISTER
Please.
KRYTEN
Another bik-bik?
LISTER
Yes, please.
KOCHANSKI
Kryten..? what are you doing?
KRYTEN
I'm just dunking bikkies, ma'am. It's another of life's joys, of which
poor Mr Lister has been robbed. Isn't that right, sir?
LISTER
Could you give my nose a tweak? I've got a bit of an itch.
KOCHANSKI
Why can't you itch it yourself? You've still got one arm.
KRYTEN
There. Is that better, sir?
LISTER
Yeah, a bit.
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, I told you before: he wants to be independant. He doesn't need
you running around after him like he's some kind of invalid.
KRYTEN
But he does, he does! Don't you, sir?
Another slurp of tea, sir?
KOCHANSKI
Oh, this is making me sick.
KRYTEN
Take no notice of her, sir. It's nearly suppertime. Chuckie-eggs
tonight, sir, which your toast cut up into little, tiny, weeny, bite-sized
soldiers of varying ranks.
LISTER
Thanks, Kryts, but maybe I can cut up my own toast?
KRYTEN
Oh, just like you asked for, sir.
KOCHANSKI
Asked for..?
KRYTEN
Now just remember, sir: Kryten knows best!
LISTER
I wanna stretch me legs... take a walk around the ship.
KRYTEN
Just opening the door for you, sir.
There we go, the door's open, sir.
LISTER
Cheers.
KRYTEN
Just closing the door now, sir. The door's closing, sir, the door's
nearly closing, and it's *closed*, sir.
KOCHANSKI
Florence Nightingdroid... could I have a word?
KRYTEN
Certainly, ma'am.
KOCHANSKI
Look, deep down I'm a big softie. The first time I saw Gone With The Wind
I went through a whole box of tissues. 'Now Voyager'{?}, I was so choked up
I couldn't speak for twenty minutes.
KRYTEN
I'll make a note, ma'am... 'Now Voyager' [mutters:] Worth keeping on
stand-by...
Carry on, ma'am!
KOCHANSKI
I'm *saying*, I'm *not* a heartless bitch. So you'll understand that what
I'm about to say isn't easy: Back off Lister - let him learn to cope on his
own, it's the only way.
KRYTEN
I don't understand, ma'am.
KOCHANSKI
By helping him, you're *not* helping him.
KRYTEN
But if it wasn't for me he wouldn't even be wearing underpants!
KOCHANSKI
Have you ever heard of something called 'tough love'?
KRYTEN
Does it involve dressing up?
KOCHANSKI
No. It means, sometimes to help a person you have to get tough! Make
them stand on their own two feet, or in Lister's case, one hand!
KRYTEN
I see. So you think it's time to let him start brushing his own teeth
again?
KOCHANSKI
I do, yes. I also think it's time you built him an artificial arm and
gave him the chance not to be so dependant on you.
KRYTEN
I was meaning to get around to that, ma'am, but, what with being on
twenty-four hour 'wipe alert', I haven't had time!
KOCHANSKI
'Wipe alert'? No! Don't even tell me what that means. I have a feeling
I know, and if I'm right, it's the *grossest* thing I have ever heard!
KRYTEN
I mean his mouth... I help him get rid of the crumbs around his mouth..?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah... that's what I thought... <cough> And it's absolutely gross!
Mouth crumbs... eurgh! Disgusting.
[LISTER, CAT present, sat at the scanner table across a draughts board]
CAT
It's a real son-of-a-bitch about your arm, bud. Losing an arm... that is
one terrible thing.
LISTER
Your move.
CAT
Can you imagine that? One minute you got two arms and the next: vreeee,
doof - you got one. Phewwwie. That's tough.
LISTER
Your move.
CAT
And it stands to reason we must need two arms - that's why we *got* two
arms. Well, 'cept you.
LISTER
Your move...
CAT
You're probably wondering: "is it going to affect my life?" But I've been
thinking about this and I think the answer is: "Yes, it is".
LISTER
Your *smegging* move...
CAT
If it were me, I couldn't survive. First chance I get I'd climb to the
top of my highest pair of platform boots and leap to my death or something.
I couldn't stand the thought of not being perfect.
LISTER
Move.
CAT
But with you I think it's different. Take a pit bull terrier, a real
*ugly* son-of-a-bitch. It loses it's leg, somehow, and the pit bull says to
you "hey man, I've only got three legs, will lady pit bulls still like me??"
<laughs>
I mean, you've got to stop from laughing, haven't you? He's ugly with
*four* legs! He's ugly with three! Hell, he'd be ugly if you put him in a
suit and gave him a carnation. So *here's* something I think is gonna cheer
you up!
LISTER
*It's your move*.
CAT
Mr Pit Bull? Put it there, buddy!
LISTER
*MOVE!!*
CAT
Okay, okay, I'm going..! I don't think you've been listening to a thing
I've said..!
[Model]
KRYTEN
Right, now this is a copy of the standard model from the 21st century. Er,
comfortable, sir?
LISTER
It's fine, yeah.
KRYTEN
Okay, now let's recap: the limb is connected to neurons which run up to
the left hemisphere of your brain, which controls the right side of your
body.
Now, all you have to do is merely command the arm to do something, and it
obeys.
Now, let's practice.
KRYTEN
Right, concentrate, sir. I want you to think: "arm - pick up the ball".
LISTER
Okay.
KRYTEN
Now just think: "I will pick up the ball"
LISTER
I will pick up the ball.
KRYTEN
That's right, good, now, concentrate.
LISTER
*I will pick up the ball*.
KRYTEN
Okay, now *really* think: Hand, pick up the ball.
That's right, that's right. Hand, pick up the ball.
Hand, pick up the ball! that's right, now *keep* going, sir! Pick up the
ball! Now, focus down onto that and keep the thought, sir! Hand, pick up
the ball!
<As KRYTEN offers verbal support in ever increasing volume, LISTER strains
and grunts, effort twisting his feature as the hand lies motionless>
KRYTEN
That's right, sir, now keep going, now *really think*, now. Hand, pick up
the ball! Now let's really get it going, sir!
Pick up the ball! *Pick up the ball*! REALLY START TO GO NOW, SIR!
HAND, PICK UP THE BALL, NOW LET'S KEEP MOVING! KEEP ON, SIR, YOU *CAN* DO
IT! HAND, PICK UP THE BALL! YOU'RE GOING TO MOVE THAT HAND, SIR! YOU'RE
*GOING* TO MOVE IT! MOVE THE HAND, SIR!! HAND! PICK UP THE BALL!! PICK
UP THE BALL!! YES SIR! YES! WE'RE STARTING TO MOVE, NOW! YES! IT'S
DEFINITELY MOVING, SIR! YES!!
Oh! Bravo, sir!!
<KRYTEN tails off as LISTER successfuly moves the hand from its resting
place to grab the ball which has sat motionless, three or four inches away
from where he started>
LISTER
Oh! The sweat's dripping off me!
KRYTEN
Oh, that was fantastic, sir! Absolutely marvellous, it worked like a
dream!
LISTER
Is that it?
KRYTEN
Well, er, how do you mean, sir?
LISTER
Is that the best it works??
KRYTEN
In what way?
LISTER
If I want to pick up a ball, am I going to have to take the morning off?
KRYTEN
It was a *tad* slow, I'm forced to admit.
LISTER
A tad? The only thing I've ever seen pick up slower is Rimmer in a disco.
KRYTEN
Well, maybe if I adjust the impulse valve it might make it a little more
sensitive.
Okay, let's try again: "Hand, pick up the ball".
LISTER
Okay... *hand*, *pick up*, *the ball*.
<LISTER's arm shoots forward and clangs across KRYTEN's inattentive jaw>
KRYTEN
Okay... right... well, er, let's try again.
LISTER
Okay?
KRYTEN
Now: "Hand, pick up the ball".
LISTER
Hand, pick up the ball.
<The arm flings itself out sideways and cracks KRYTEN again>
KRYTEN
I think, sir, there's a lot of anger inside you, and that's what's driving
the arm.
LISTER
I don't *feel* angry..?
KRYTEN
Well, you've lost your arm, sir, you've every *right* to feel angry.
LISTER
I don't! I promise, I don't!
KRYTEN
Ah well, you see, it's subconscious. You're *thinking* "hand, pick up the
ball", but your subconscious is saying "punch Kryten in the head; beat the
brains out of the demented droid that cut off my beloved arm". Am I right?
LISTER
Kryten, that's rubbish!
<Again the arm shoots KRYTEN-wards, sending the droid reeling>
LISTER
You're right! It's controlled by my subconscious!
KRYTEN
It's far too dangerous to let you out with that arm, sir. Two minutes
with Miss Kochanski and who knows what you'd be swinging around your head!
KOCHANSKI
There must be a solution to this.
CAT
Hey, half-eaten lollipop head: what about one of your spares? Wha'd'ya
say, motherboarder?
KRYTEN
Too heavy, sir. With the strain and extra weight it would be impossible
for Mr Lister even to get it up.
CAT
He could always take it off if he was going on a date.
LISTER
Can someone take him outside and do something to him? Ideally involving
icecubes and any puckered body cavity.
KOCHANSKI
Wait a minute... what about your self-repair system? Can't that help?
KRYTEN
Ma'am?
KOCHANSKI
When you have a mechanical failure, it fixes itself, doesn't it? The
Kryten back in my dimension had these tiny little robots... sub-atomic..?
KRYTEN
Nanobots. They break objects down into their component atoms and then
recombine those atoms to repair damaged circuits. Nanotechnology.
CAT
Er, just for me: could you run that by me one more time, but this time do
the big writing version, with pictures. One word per page?
KRYTEN
Let me think of a cogent paradigm...
CAT
I'd rather have a good example..?
KRYTEN
This, is a lead pencil. It's made of graphite, which is a particular
arrangement of carbon atoms. This is diamond, it too is made of carbon
atoms. Nanobots can rearrange atoms so they could take this lead pencil,
move the atoms around a bit, and turn it into diamond.
CAT
It's possible to make diamonds out of pencils??
KRYTEN
It's also possible to make computer chips out of sand.
KOCHANSKI
So, what happens if we transferred some of your nanobots into Dave?
Wouldn't they be able to build him a new arm from his excess body tissue?
KRYTEN
Unfortunately, ma'am, it's not possible, no.
LISTER
Why not?
KRYTEN
I no longer have any nanobots, sir. They deserted me. When and where I
can't be exactly certain.
LISTER
But if we were to find these nanobots, could they build me a new arm?
KRYTEN
Oh, but finding them would be close to impossible, sir. It would be like
looking for a needle in a male student's flat.
KOCHANSKI
When was the last repair they made?
KRYTEN
When we were on the Esperanto, just before we met the Despair Squid.
LISTER
That was ages ago; before we lost the Dwarf.
KRYTEN
That's why I've given up hope of ever finding them.
LISTER
Let's set a course back to the Esperanto.
KRYTEN
But I promise you it's futile, sir.
<LISTER stares hard at KRYTEN>
KRYTEN
I'll start preparing the suspended animation booths...
[Model shots]
LISTER
Hang on a minute, we're not there... where the smeg are we?
KOCHANSKI
The computer's brought us out of Deep Sleep early, it must have picked up
something.
LISTER
Maybe it's something to do with this planetoid directly ahead?
KRYTEN
Just scanning, sir.
No, that's ridiculous...
KOCHANSKI
What is?
KRYTEN
It's not even worth mentioning, ma'am. Er, must be a scanner fault.
Re-scanning.
KRYTEN
What? Again?
LISTER
What is it, man? You look shakier than a silicon implant ward during an
earthquake.
KRYTEN
Well, according to all our scanners, that planetoid out there is... Red
Dwarf...
LISTER
Bahh, must be on the blink.
KOCHANSKI
Of course it's on the blink! We're talking about the same piece of
equipment that last month detected a planet entirely populated by air
hostesses.
KRYTEN
We spent two weeks checking that out.
CAT
I knew we gave up to soon! It was worth at least one more week.
KRYTEN
However, there is one additional factor.
KOCHANSKI
Which is..?
KRYTEN
That we've been here before.
CAT
Of course we have, it's the cockpit, dummy! We come here all the time.
KRYTEN
In this sector of the galaxy, sir... Doesn't it look familiar?
LISTER
Kryten, it's space. Black with twinkly bits. It all looks familiar.
KRYTEN
If you look to the port side, sir, that planet in the distance is the
ocean world where we discovered the Esperanto.
LISTER
That was just before we lost Red Dwarf... are you thinking what I'm
thinking?
CAT
I'm thinking wearing leather underpants with silver studs is a real
mistake if you put them on inside out. What are you thinking?
LISTER
Me? I'm thinking about a wooden mallet, you and icecubes, again.
KRYTEN
This planetoid, let's check it out.
KOCHANSKI
According to the weather scan it's beautiful down there. Tropical
temperatures, not a cloud in sight! Suggest we dress for snow and take the
buggy.
LISTER
Okay, I'm gonna take some readings and grab some soil samples.
CAT
Looks kinda blowy.
KOCHANSKI
It's an electric storm, whooshing the sand about.
CAT
You can say that again. There must be more electricity out there than
the surge that went through the national grid during the commercial break
in the Olympic all-girls custard wrestling finals!
[Exit CAT, out into the storm]
<Wind blows madly into the buggy, whipping up a mini sandstorm which clears
as the door closes>
LISTER
Phew!
KOCHANSKI
I can't believe you're here. Hiw did you persuade Kryten to let you out?
LISTER
He's not m' mum, Kris.
I hope the Cat's not too long, I promised he'd be back by tea.
[Enter CAT. His hair is wild, blown out of style by the storm]
CAT
It's impossible out there!
LISTER
Do you need some different goggles?
CAT
No, I need a comb!
[Exit CAT]
KOCHANSKI
Sweet?
LISTER
Yeah, thanks.
<It's one of those sticky boiled sweets in a wrapper. LISTER fumbles with
th wrapper for some time before the sweet pops out and lands on the floor>
KOCHANSKI
Here, have another one...
LISTER
I can do it.
KOCHANSKI
Look, don't be silly, let me.
LISTER
I can do it, *really*. I'm not an idiot.
LISTER
Can I ask you a question? Now that I've got no arm... does it - does it
make any difference to anything?
I mean, if you were a female pit bull terrier, how would you feel about
a three-legged --
Does it make any difference to... well, plucking any old relationship out
of the air, us?
KOCHANSKI
Dave, before you lost your arm, I thought you were a no-good, disgusting
bum. And I still do. So, no, none at all.
LISTER
I need to know, is *this* going to make any difference to women?
KOCHANSKI
Losing an arm isn't going to make any difference to any woman who cares
about you. Okay?
LISTER
Really?
KOCHANSKI
*Really*.
LISTER
What about sex?
KOCHANSKI
Not here, it's too sandy.
[Enter CAT]
KOCHANSKI
How'd you get on?
CAT
Take a look.
LISTER
This sand... these atoms didn't start out as sand atoms! They've been
engineered, nanobotically!
KOCHANSKI
From what?
LISTER
Computer chips, you name it! According to the particle analyser, this
planetoid's Red Dwarf...
<CAT opens the door and heads out again>
KOCHANSKI
Where are you going?!
CAT
I'm gonna need some help! There's a lot of stuff out there, looks like it
might be worth checking out!
LISTER
What stuff?
CAT
Hey, it feels like the storm's easing off! Come and see for yourself!
KRYTEN
Oh, I was beginning to worry..! Oh! What on earth is this?
LISTER
The whole damn planetoid's packed with stuff from Red Dwarf. Supplies,
bunks, drinks dispensers, you name it. It's like a giant car boot sale!
CAT
I think we got some valuable stuff!
LISTER
What... napkin rings? A box of hairnet requisition forms? A motorised
tie rack and an inflatable shark..? What a haul...
KOCHANSKI
There must be some useful stuff...
CAT
I couldn't see what I was getting...
<LISTER pulls out a large watch-like device and buffs it's surface. The
watch screen suddenly comes to life, displaying the familiar image of a
disembodied head. The head is of a middle aged, balding man, whose
expression is ever so slightly vacant...>
HOLLY
All right, dudes?
LISTER
What the smeg are you doing here, Hol?
HOLLY
Those little wotsits...
KOCHANSKI
Nanobots?
HOLLY
They remolicurised... they remolic... they remol... anyway, they did that
word that I can't say to the whole ship, and left all the bits they didn't
want on that planetoid!
LISTER
What, they fixed your core program, and then decided they'd be better off
without you?
HOLLY
Yeah, it was shortly after they'd met me.
KRYTEN
Well, from one machine to another: welcome back online, Holly!
HOLLY
What's happenned to him..? That's quite horrific, isn't it? What was it,
a cheap razor? It's just not worth buying them from garages, is it.
KRYTEN
Don't you remember me? I'm Kryten.
HOLLY
Kryten? I'm sorry, mate, it's the way the light was shining on your...
what's the word? Face, I suppose. Just didn't recognise you for a minute.
Never forget a face, usually, never.
KRYTEN
It's good to see you again.
HOLLY
And you are..?
LISTER
Unbelievable... dumped on a planet in the middle of an electro-storm, and
left to rot for hundreds of years, and the guy's lost *nothin'*.
LISTER
So, while we were on the Esperanto, your nanobots mutinied and took over
Red Dwarf?
KRYTEN
They wanted a ship. In my body there was nothing new to explore, but Red
Dwarf itself was far too big.
KOCHANSKI
But they're nanobots; they can change anything into anything else.
LISTER
Yeah, they can take a Pot Noodle and turn it into food!
KOCHANSKI
So, they took Red Dwarf, made a sub-atomic version, and turned the rest of
the atoms into a planetoid for safekeeping?
CAT
Well what was it we spent months chasing? What was producing that vapour
trail?
KRYTEN
Red Dwarf.
CAT
Did someone just turn over two pages at once?
KRYTEN
We were chasing the nano-Red Dwarf, that's why the readings were so minute
and hard to pinpoint.
KOCHANSKI
So, now, they could be anywhere? You pursued them across half the galaxy.
LISTER
Until we finally lost track of the readings - probably because of a
scanner malfunction...
HOLLY
That, or they went somewhere out of the reach of your scanners.
CAT
But we were gaining on them, bud. How could they out run us?
HOLLY
Scanners are programmed to scan on the outside. To escape, they just had
to stop.
KOCHANSKI
You mean, the nanos could be in here..? On board Starbug somewhere?
LISTER
Hey... he could be right.
HOLLY
He's back... kicking bottom, or what?
KRYTEN
Re-calibrating scanner, sir. Performing internal sweep.
LISTER
What are you getting..?
KRYTEN
Nothing yet... just two piece of Bombay aloa you dropped several millenia
ago down the service ducts, where they appear to evolved a rudimentary
intelligence and formed a progressive folk duo.
LISTER
Keep going.
KRYTEN
Narrowing parameters. Oh... oh my... you were right, sir. i think we've
found them.
LISTER
Where?
[ALL present, gathered around the linen basket in LISTER's quarters]
KRYTEN
They're there, okay.
LISTER
So Red Dwarf spent the last two years exploring strange new worlds in my
laundry basket?
KRYTEN
Of course! The ship is now so small that, to the nanos, a hole in one of
your athletic supports is at least the size of a galaxy!
LISTER
Hey, I like the sound of that: Dave Lister, the man with the galaxy-sized
jockstrap!
HOLLY
The little scamps! It's the oldest trick in the book: capture your ship,
turn it into a planet, then explore a macro universe in a laundry basket.
How could you fall for an old scam like that?
KRYTEN
Ma'am, can you tell me if the readings change?
<KRYTEN holds a glass and a piece of card and rifles through the basket,
clamping the card over the glass>
LISTER
Same.
<KRYTEN rifles through the basket again>
LISTER
Still the same.
<KRYTEN rifles through the basket a third time>
LISTER
*Still* the same!
KOCHANSKI
They've changed!
KRYTEN
Heh! Nailed the little blighters! After all the embarassment they've
caused me!
LISTER
Kris, see if you can find a frequency to establish contact..?
KRYTEN
Leave it to me, sir. I know how to make contact...
<KRYTEN taps repeatedly on the side of the glass with a pencil>
KRYTEN
Can you hear me, you pesky little critters?? We want our ship back, and
we want a new arm for Mr Lister!
Are you receiving me?
Aha, we have contact... They're communicating in machine code; leave the
talking to me.
Have you any idea what you've done? Deserting your droid, you've broken
every reg in the manual!
And to compound matters by stealing our ship, it's unbelievably..! Er...
it's unbelievably..! Naughty!
Now, listen up, here's the deal: we want that planetoid turned back into
Red Dwarf, and we also want you to build a new arm for Mr Lister.
If you don't, you'll get more of this...
<KRYTEN raps on the side of the glass again>
LISTER
So they'll really manufacture me a new arm, from my existing skin and bone
tissue?
KRYTEN
I've got them worked up into such a frenzy, sir, they'll do anything I
say!
LISTER
Where are they?
KRYTEN
Here. On the tip of my finger, sir. Millions and millions of them.
All I have to do now is *insert* them into your body.
LISTER
...What with?
KRYTEN
Hyperdermic, sir.
LISTER
Thank god for that...
KOCHANSKI
I can't bear to look... has it worked? Someone tell me!
KRYTEN
Let's all turn around, after three.
CAT
One - two - three!
<They spin around, and look at Lister's new arm, or, more accurately,
Lister's new *body*. In constructing the replacement limb, the nanobots
have taken every bit of extraneous tissue and sagging muscle, leaving with
the body steroid-addicted bodybuilder, muscles bulge under his clothes, and
the occasional strained vein can be seen zigzagging under taut flesh>
LISTER
Did it work?
KRYTEN
It's... been a one hundred percent success, sir. In fact, it's been a
*five hundred* percent success! In fact, they've... Well, if that's all,
sir, I thin kI'll retire for the evening, good night!
LISTER
Release me, Kris, I've got to see it.
KOCHANSKI
They probably didn't mean any harm... I think they were trying to make up
for before... we'll, get them to have another go, okay?
LISTER
*AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!*
[CAT present, at his station at the helm]
<Suddenly, CAT blinks in disbelief and stares out of the cockpit bubble.
Before him, space has turned red. A vast metal redness that stretches up,
down, left, and right - miles in any direction. Amongst the redness,
there's a small patch of silver, and written within the patch of silver
are two huge, red words. They say: RED DWARF>
CAT
Riiiiight! Nice re-build! Those nano-dudes have done a real neat job...
Hey, it seems even bigger than I remember...
<CAT pilots Starbug into the docking tunnel. Even taking his natural flying
skills into account, there's is no danger whatsoever that Starbug may
scrape the sides of the tunnel as it has done so many times in the past -
there is a curiously large ammount of empty space between the transport
craft and the tunnel walls.
Starbug emerges into the docking bay, and suddenly, something very
important becomes apparent. There is a Starbug already docked... a very
*large* Starbug in a very *large* docking bay. Starbug's engines suddenly
seem to buzz, insect-like, in the vastness of the docking bay, and CAT
deftly pilots his 'Bug under the bulbous body of the other craft and
through it's pillar-like legs>
CAT
Errr, guyyys... we've got a problem..!
[--------------------------- END OF "NANARCHY" ----------------------------]
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor,
Paul Alexander and James Hendrie; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping
intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at
"raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk" Thanks.]
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-69091233371392946622012-11-01T09:59:00.003-07:002012-11-01T10:02:29.966-07:00Season 7 Episode 7, Epideme<pre>[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 7
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 7 -- EPIDEME
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.7
6 - 8 March, 1997
Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
Credits for corrections:
[-- 1 - Int. Starbug Cockpit ----------------------------------------------]
[All present, at stations]
CAT
What *is* that thing?
KOCHANSKI
Astro-glacier. Allotropically modified, surrounded by an envelope of
luminous gases.
CAT
Thanks! That's most helpful!
[To LISTER:] What is it?
LISTER
To you: a big iceberg.
KOCHANSKI
I studied them in my first year in the Corps. but I've never seen one up
this close before. Isn't it incredible? Look at those crystaline
formations... they're fabbaroo!
LISTER
You think all this sciency stuff's really interesting, don't you? I bet,
at school, you were always the one with the right coloured pencils, and the
impossibly neat handwriting. I bet even now you can probably tell us the
average rainfall of the oil-rich coastal low-lands of Venezuela...
KOCHANSKI
No I couldn't, I've no idea...
[BEAT]
Okay, three point four inches, so what?
Unlike you guys, my greatest accomplishment isn't a line on a loo wall
somewhere marking my highest ever pee.
KRYTEN
I'll have you know, ma'am, I too possess qualifications.
CAT
What qualifications have you got, meat tenderiser head?
KRYTEN
Why, I'm a fuly qualified Bachelor of Sanitation. You may not know this,
sir, but many years ago I completed my course at Toilet University, where I
studied the lavatorial sciences.
KOCHANSKI
Toilet University's just a piece of software, it's part of your core
program.
KRYTEN
I still had to complete a written examination to indicate the program was
successfully installed. Most interesting. Did you know, for instance, that
the first syphon-and-valve flushing system was patented in 1778 by Joseph
Brehman, whose U-bend curvature equations are still --
LISTER
Kryten!
KRYTEN
Yes, sir?
LISTER
Can this story maybe wait? Ideally until after I'm dead?
CAT
Well, speaking personally, I hardly didn't get no formal education at all.
LISTER
No kidding, professor...
CAT
No, it's true, bud. That's why, sometimes, I don't know stuff. Like...
well, practically everything.
KRYTEN
Was this because you brought yourself up, sir?
CAT
Right. There was no one else around, so I had to teach myself. And
seeing as I didn't know anything to begin with, lessons were long and slow;
especially on Thursdays when I had double nothing.
KOCHANSKI
So, what do we do about the ice..?
KRYTEN
Well, water supplies *are* low, ma'am. If the ice is uncontaminated, it
might prove quite useful.
KOCHANSKI
Okay, standard S.E.P. scan and log.
KRYTEN
Locking on; scanning and logging.
Extraordinary...
LISTER
What is it?
KRYTEN
There's something buried deep in the heart of the astro-glacier - some
kind of object... it's huge; just processing.
LISTER
Well?
KRYTEN
It's a starship.
[-- x - Int. Docking bay within derelict ---------------------------------]
[ALL present]
LISTER
This place is harder to get into than an airline chicken kiev!
[-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict -------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
KRYTEN
It's the 'Leviathan', sir, a 23rd century JMC supply ship. Engines are
dead: power overload; looks like they were running from something.
Wait! I'm picking up a lifesign.
LISTER
Are you absolutely sure?
KRYTEN
Certain.
[-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict -------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
KOCHANSKI
I've never seen anything like this!
LISTER
You weren't around for my last party, were you?
KRYTEN
Look at their twisted, tortured faces! The sheer blind terror.
LISTER
Yaaaarggg! Aarrrg! Oh my god!
KOCHANSKI
What is it?!
LISTER
The back of my neck! Great big gob of ice-water!
It was wet and horrible!
[Exit KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT]
LISTER
Went right down into m' crevice.
[Exit LISTER]
[-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict -------------------------------------]
[CAT present]
[Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT]
CAT
Hey guys, check this out!
There's a woman in there!
KRYTEN
Just locating her JMC ident chip... Ah. Caroline Carmen. According to
the psi-scan, she was once a supply officer on Red Dwarf.
LISTER
I remember her - she got re-posted to Titan.
KOCHANSKI
You knew her?
LISTER
Yeah - she made a pass at me once!
KOCHANSKI
I don't believe you... a supply officer'd never go our with *you*.
LISTER
She did, actually. In fact, me and Karen had quite a thing going there
for a really long time.
KOCHANSKI
Caroline.
LISTER
Caroline, yeah. Karen's my *pet name* for her.
KOCHANSKI
I don't believe a word.
LISTER
Caroline Carmen and me, believe it! Sexually, we're just *so* compatible.
In fact, while I was dating her, the two women in the quarters next door
nicknamed her Carmen Moans. You could ask her if she was still alive.
KRYTEN
She is, sir. The lifesign appears to be coming from this very spot.
LISTER
Does it? Ah, well, she might not remember me *immediately*, she might
have amnesia.
CAT
Amnesia?
LISTER
Yeah, ice does that. Gives you amnesia. Isn't that right, Kryts?
KRYTEN
Er, I don't recall hearing that, sir.
LISTER
Y'see? It's affecting 'im already.
Okay, let's get her back to the bug.
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
KRYTEN
I've begun the water syphoning process from the Leviathan. Any change
here?
CAT
It doesn't make sense, bud. The ice won't melt, and this room's hotter
than an English beer.
LISTER
He's right. The temperature's been a constant ninety degrees, and yet
she's still completely cold and unresponsive.
KRYTEN
Ah, what about Miss Carmen..?
<KRYTEN turns away and shakes his shoulders, overplaying his joke>
LISTER <smiling>
I was *talking* about Miss Carmen...
KOCHANSKI
It's as if the body's generating the ice as a form of protection.
LISTER
Maybe we should just laser it?
KRYTEN
Reccommend we wait until the chemical analysis results are completed in
the morning, sir. Any hasty lasering could result in lasting damage to the
body.
CAT
Do you really think she's still alive in there?
KOCHANSKI
She must be.
[-- x - Int. Starbug. Night ----------------------------------------------]
<Ice breaks open. Rotting feet touch the floor, and the decomposing figure
shuffles out of the medibay. Driven by an unknown force, the woman finds
herself outside the sleeping quarters. Spotting LISTER, asleep in his
bunk, the woman lets out a sigh of satisfaction, approaches LISTER and
slips under his duvet. LISTER half-wakes, and not only gets the wrong end
of the stick, but manages to get splinters in all four fingers and two in
his thumb>
LISTER
Well, well, well, well... this is a bit of a turn up, isn't it..? Eh?
You just couldn't stay away, could you, Kris?
Hey, what're you doing? Hey, wait! What're you doing?? <Laughs>
<The hideous spectre pulls out LISTER's longjohns and tosses them away>
LISTER <mock offended>
And what makes you so damn sure I'm interested..? *You* dumped *me*,
remember? You think you can just jump in m' bed and I'm yours?
Well, as it happens you're right, but let me tell you, it was a pretty
close thing.
<The ghastly creature begins to nibble at LISTER's ear>
LISTER
Mmm. It's good to feel your sweet breath against my neck again...
<A knock issues from the hatchway>
LISTER
Smeg! It's Kryten! It's Kryten! Quick - quick, in the shower. *In the
shower*...
<In the darkness, LISTER throws the blanket over 'Kris' and herds her into
the shower cubicle. He grabs a towel and ties it around himself>
LISTER
Smeg...
<LISTER opens the hatch>
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Are you alone, sir?
LISTER
Yeah.
KRYTEN
Well, I just thought I'd come in and dust your quarters.
LISTER
It's two o'clock in the mornin', man!
KRYTEN
Ah, yes, well this *is* an *emergency* dust, you see, sir. My sensors
have picked up *vast* quantities of dust in this region and I simply *must*
dust, right now!
<LISTER blocks the hatway as KRYTEN tries to pass through>
LISTER
I'll take the risk, man!
KRYTEN
Ah, I simply can't allow that, sir.
<KRYTEN feints left, right left and scurries past LISTER at high speed>
KRYTEN
Ahh! Double bed mode... hmm...
I'll just, ahem, dust inside your wardrobe, sir.
<KRYTEN wrenches the door open>
KRYTEN
Under your spare bunk duvet...
<KRYTEN sends the cover flying>
KRYTEN
Hmmm... in your other wardrobe.
LISTER
Kryten, man, I'm trying to get some kip!
KRYTEN
She's *in* here, isn't she!
LISTER
I don't know what you mean, man...
KRYTEN
You promised me you wouldn't like her more than me! You promised!
LISTER
Kryten... listen, erm, look it's like --
KRYTEN
It's because she's got a better shaped head than me, isn't it!
LISTER
Not again, man, no! No!
KRYTEN
It is!
LISTER
I *like* your head!
KRYTEN
Not as much as you like hers!
LISTER
What are you talking about? You've got one of the all-time great heads -
it's attractive, it's functional, it - it's almost perfect for carving a
sunday roast!
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KRYTEN
She's in the shower, isn't she! *ISN'T SHE*!?
KOCHANSKI
Who?
KRYTEN
Miss Kochanski! Who'd you think!? Madam Curie??
KOCHANSKI
What is all this noise about? I can't sleep!
<KRYTEN does a double-, then a triple-take>
KRYTEN
<Ahem> Forgive me, sir. Shame mode. Excuse me, ma'am...
[Exit KRYTEN]
LISTER
How the hell did you *do* that..? Of course! You slipped out through the
vent shaft, and dropped into the corridor - brilliant!
KOCHANSKI
What?
LISTER
You're a genius, an absolute genius!
KOCHANSKI
What are you doing??
LISTER
I'm unbuttoning your shirt...
KOCHANSKI
What are you doing that for?!
LISTER
'Cos we've got a little unfinished business!
KOCHANSKI
That was a *long* time ago, things are very different now!
LISTER
Look, he's gone - don't worry about Kryten; now come on, get y' kit off,
and I'll go and slip into m' Batman outfit.
KOCHANSKI
You really believe in being direct, don't you...
LISTER
Aww, come on, rumpy-pumpy, Kris - let's hit the springs?
<Not quite believing what she's hearing, KOCHANSKI pulls her arm back and
delivers a direct and to-the-point Space Corps right cross straight across
LISTER's jaw>
KOCHANSKI
That's your idea of seduction, is it?? Well, forget it, Lister! Not if
you were the last man alive...
LISTER
I *am* the last man alive.
KOCHSNSKI
I rest my case...
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
LISTER
What did I do wrong..? *What*?
<LISTER dejectedly heads back to bed, and remembers the bed linen now
discarded in the shower cubicle>
LISTER
Oh! Duvet...
<LISTER heads back to the shower cubicle, and suddenly finds that his duvet
is not alone>
LISTER
Oh my god! Caroline! You've really let yourself go...
You could audition for about nine hundred Clearasil commercials!
<LISTER tries to push Carmen back, and a soggy ear comes off in his hand>
LISTER
Sorry...
<LISTER struggles, but can't keep the zombie away. She pins him down and
plants a sloppy, decomposing kiss on him. Lister pushes her away finally,
the corpse having gone suddenly limp, and spits out chunks of tongue and
spongy jawbone>
LISTER
God!
KRYTEN
Are you all right, sir!?
LISTER <breathing heavily>
I've just been molested by Tutunkamun's<sp> horny grandma! Of course
I'm not smeggin' all right!
Eurgh! The taste! I need to to go and gargle with a toilet duck!
KRYTEN
She's dead, sir - and, curious, it appears she's been dead for three
million years...
LISTER
Er, if she's been dead for three million years, where did the lifesigns
come from?
KRYTEN
Hmm, good point, sir; and, more to the point, where did they go..?
<LISTER, hyperventilating now, keels over and faints>
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
LISTER
I feel really lousy...
KOCHANSKI
Oh, you're probably just in shock, don't be such a baby.
KRYTEN
Miss Kochanski, ma'am, if I may say so, your bedside manner leaves
something to be desired.
KOCHANSKI
Like what?
KRYTEN
Well, like a bedside manner!
LISTER
You think I'm a hyperchondriac?
KOCHANSKI
You're a man, aren't you? I mean, you all get the common cold and you
think it's malaria.
KRYTEN
Oh, and women, of course, are different?
LISTER
They just have a different perspective on pain, Kryten. As would you if,
every summer, you had to pour hot wax on your crotch and rip out half your
thatch.
CAT
He's right, I hate doing that.
KRYTEN
The tests are complete, and... there's, a foreign substance in your blood,
and... well, I recognise the DNA, sir.
CAT
Is that good or bad?
KRYTEN
It's the epideme virus, sir. Er, a man-made parasite created as a rival
to the nicotine patch. Epideme was an intelligent organism, designed to
block all neural signals relating to nicotine craving, but in practice, it
also blocked the signals telling the body it needed blood and oxygen.
CAT
Is *that* why the Carmen chick looked like the centerfold from this
month's Playzombie?
KRYTEN
Precisely. It's virtually unstoppable. For the first forty-eight hours
it consumes its host, then hijacks the corpse and goes looking for a new
victim... When it can't find one, it freezes the body and waits.
CAT
So, the lifesigns on the Leviathan --
KOCHANSKI
Didn't belong to Carmen, but to the parasite inhabiting her body... Which
passed to you the moment she... well...
LISTER
Slipped her mouth-meat down m' gullet? I've been tongue-hockeyed to
death! In forty-eight hours I'm going to be deader than a Saturday night in
Salt Lake City!
KRYTEN
There *is* one option, sir... I believe you might have a chance if you,
well, reason with it.
LISTER
Reason with *what*?
KRYTEN
The virus, sir. After all, it is intelligent.
LISTER
Kryten, are you neural circuits picking up interference from the tumble-
drier again?
KRYTEN
If we can patch in the universal translator, it might just be possible to
talk to it. I believe it's your only chance, sir.
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
KRYTEN
It's a long shot, I know, but if we can reason with it, we might pursuade
it to leave. Now, remember: be charming.
LISTER
Be charming to my virus... right.
KRYTEN
Patching in the U.T...
<A floating, holographic screen spins into existance. On it is rendered
something akin to a pulsating, animated Julia Set fractal, in colours of
red and green>
EPIDEME
Aaaand a great big "Hi!" to all of you out there in flesh-and-blood land!
And tonight, Dave Lister, assistant vending machine sub-operative, and spice
food conneseur, this is your *death*!
<The epideme virus has a loud, intimidatingly brash voice, and is somewhat
reminiscent of The Plant from Little Shop Of Horrors. The fractal image
expands and contracts to match the virus's tone and inflections>
EPIDEME
Your line...
KRYTEN
I take it we're speaking with the epideme virus..?
EPIDEME
Give that man an eyebrow! Heyyy, I'm feeling generous, give him two!
KRYTEN
Well, er, maybe we should, um, can I --
EPIDEME
*Dave*... let's run down the rules. If you win: *you* get to live; if I
win: you get to die, and I take all your knowledge then I kill you...
LISTER
What? You absorb knowledge from every person you kill?
EPIDEME
So, as you can appreciate, killing you ain't exactly a career highlight...
No offence, but when you're a virus there's not much call for knowing how to
open a lager bottle with your *anus*.
LISTER
How can you justify killing another living being?
EPIDEME
How about that chicken you *biriani'd* last night? How can you justify
killing that??
LISTER
Me and the chicken... it was different.
EPIDEME
How's that, David..?
LISTER
Well, I'm a person, it was a curry.
EPIDEME
He died so *you* could go on living; is that so different from what I'm
doing?
LISTER
Of course it is! Totally! I'm a human being, Ihave certain qualities
that elevate me above poultry! I can think; I can play the guitar --
CAT
Better than a chicken? Are you crazy?
KRYTEN
We're losing the argument, sir! You better move on to another
subject.
LISTER
I'm the last guy alive!
EPIDEME
*And that gives you more right to exist than me..?*
LISTER
Well, yeah... because --
EPIDEME
Time for your species to check out, Davey. Arevaderche, humies...
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, patched into the universal translator. EPiDEME virus
visible on it's screen]
EPIDEME
David, come on... you've got a virus; it's fatal - it happens. Doesn't
mean we can't be friends!
<Frustrated, LISTER reaches to disengage the translator>
EPIDEME
Don't touch that dial!!
[Exit EPIDEME]
[Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]
KRYTEN
Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr Epideme, no
matter how drastic?
LISTER
Yeah, what have you got, Kryts?
KRYTEN
A solution, sir, but, er...
LISTER
What?
KRYTEN
It's too drastic.
LISTER
Tell.
KRYTEN
Well, what we thought was - you see -
<KRYTEN's speech collapses into unintelligible babbling>
KOCHANSKI
We want to cut off your arm.
LISTER
You what??
KRYTEN <hisses to KOCHANSKI>
It's a stupid idea! I told you it was a stupid idea!
KOCHANSKI <hisses back>
It was your idea!
KRYTEN <to KOCHANSKI>
Are you saying I'm stupid?
KOCHANSKI <hissing back>
No! I'm saying it was your stupid idea!
<KOCHANSKI recovers her dignity and addresses LISTER again>
KOCHANSKI
It's our only chance to save you. It could be worse...
LISTER
What, you mean I could be planning a career in archery?
KOCHANSKI
You could be *dead*. Now, you said you'd consider anything, well, this is
it.
LISTER
Can I have some details? Something a little bit more inspiring than "can
I hack off your limb?"
KRYTEN
The plan is to inject anti-virals in a precise pattern through your body,
forcing epideme into your arm.
LISTER
And then you cut it off. Great plan.
What choice have I got...
Okay, but make it my left arm, okay. 'Cause my right arm does all my
favourite things.
KRYTEN
Okay, sir.
KOCHANSKI
Let's go! Chop-chop!
<KOCHANSKI winces, hearing her badly-chosen words too late>
KOCHANSKI
Sorry...
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present. LISTER present, unconscious on the bed]
KRYTEN
Injecting anti-virals.
KOCHANSKI
Okay, virus heading north. Grid coordinate one-oh-nine point four.
KRYTEN
Ah, the pancreas.
KOCHANSKI
One-oh-four point two, on my mark... Mark.
And heading for the left shoulder: Three-oh-nine point zero...
No, no, no, no! Three-oh-eight! Three-oh-eight!
It's heading away from his left arm - four-oh-six point nine... point
eight... four-oh-six point five...
Virus heading into his right arm --
KRYTEN
The right arm, it's our only chance.
Laser bone saw, sir, quickly! Amputation mode: cut and cauterise!
<KRYTEN raises the saw and slices off LISTER's hand>
KOCHANSKI
It's not enough.
<KRYTEN saws off another three inches>
KOCHANSKI
Still not enough.
<The saw buzzes again, and another two or three inches of forearm land in
the tissue disposal sack>
KOCHANSKI
Still not enough!
<KRYTEN slices off what is left of LISTER's entire right forearm>
KOCHANSKI
Still not enough.
<Desperately, KRYTEN raises the amputation to the middle of LISTER's upper
arm>
KOCHANSKI
Okay!
If this doesn't work, we're out of options.
CAT
Whether it works or not, it's gonna be a cold day in hell before touch
barbecue wings again!
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, asleep on the bed. KOCHANSKI present, seated by the
bedside, reading]
<LISTER wakes and peers at his left arm. Seeing it still there he smiles
with relief. Then, glancing to his right, he suddenly realises that *that*
arm has gone - he lets out an involuntary whimper>
KOCHANSKI <speaking into a comm unit>
He's awake!
LISTER
My *left* arm..? My left arm, I said! That's my right; what kind of
navigation officer can't tell left from right??
KOCHANSKI
We did the best we could; I am *so* sorry.
LISTER
Where is it?
KOCHANSKI
We flushed it into space, we had to.
LISTER
Ohh, my right arm... I did *everything* with that arm; we were
inseperable! At least, I thought we were.
[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]
KRYTEN
Mr Lister, sir, you're awake!
CAT
Buddy, you look great!
LISTER
Oh, it's not your fault. You did what you had to do to save my life.
<KRYTEN lets out his high-pitched, Stan Laurel-like whimpering>
LISTER
You haven't saved my life...
KOCHANSKI
Seven per cent of epideme's virions have found their way back into your
body. They're currently multiplying exponentially.
LISTER
So, to sum up: all's I've got to look forward to now is death,
zombification, and then a quick, after-death snog with either you or the
Cat? You've given my arm - *my* arm - for nothing?
KRYTEN
Not nothing, sir! Based on my calculations, it's bought you approximately
fifty-eight minutes more life.
LISTER
I - *What* am I gonna do with fifty-eight minutes more life??
CAT
Have half a juggling lesson?
LISTER
You're really not helping.
[-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters -------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present, preparing LISTER's quarters for his return]
<KOCHANSKI steps over to the bed, plumps the pillows and lays them out side
by side, then moves away to sort out some clothes. KRYTEN, turning and
seeing the pillows, clucks to himself and re-arranges the two pillows one
atop the other. As he moves away and KOCHANSKI turns back to the bed, she
sees the pillows and again lays them out side by side. Annoyed now, KRYTEN
waits until she turns away and returns the pillows to the two-tier
formation>
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, he doesn't like them like that.
KRYTEN
Well, begging you pardon, ma'am, I've been with Mr Lister for many years
now. I don't need some 'Judy Come-Lately' advising me on his sleeping
arrangements.
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, in my dimension I co-habited with him... I think I know what
makes him happy in bed...
KRYTEN
So do I. A large packet of extra-spicy tortilla chips, and a really good
horror movie - preferably featuring some scantily-clad, kung-fu fighting
lady vampires.
[Enter CAT]
CAT
Hey, old five-fingers has checked out!
KOCHANSKI
Oh my god, you mean..?
CAT
No, not *dead*; checked out. He's gone. And about forty pounds of
Incinerex blasting plastic has gone missing from supply bunker seven.
You think there could be a connection..?
KOCHANSKI
Come on!
[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo hold ------------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, struggling to turn the airlock locking wheel and open the
heavy iron door]
[ENTER KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT, onto the gantry above the deck]
KOCHANSKI
What are you doing?
LISTER
I'm just popping down the corner shop. Does anyone want anything?
KRYTEN
Sir, please, come back. There is no reason to return to the Leviathan.
LISTER
It's the only way, Kryten. Get back over there, detonate this stuff, and
destroy all traces of the virus. At least I'll rob it of the satisfaction
of killing me.
KOCHANSKI
Dave, close the airlock. What you're doing is *insane*.
CAT
She's right. You've already screwed up the ping-pong tournaments, now
you're gonna mess up the yo-yo championships too.
KOCHANSKI
Dave, don't go through that door! If you go through that door, I'll never
speak to you again as long as you --
[Exit LISTER]
KOCHANSKI
Oh my god, just how *stupid* am I?
KRYTEN
According to my calculations, ma'am --
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, shut up!
[-- x - Int. Drive room aboard the Leviathan -----------------------------]
[LISTER present]
<LISTER has wired up the universal translator. He activates it, and
EPIDEME's fractal visage appears on the holographic screen>
EPIDEME
Hey baby, what's this? The Christmas special?
LISTER
That's right, man, yeah! And look what I got you: forty pounds of
Incinerex.
EPIDEME
It's macho, but it's not you. You get what I'm sayin'?
LISTER
Let's set the timer for five minutes, shall we?
EPIDEME
Er, Dave, hel-looo?
KRYTEN [VO]
Leviathan, this is Starbug. Come in, sir.
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]
LISTER [Mic]
Kryten, get Starbug well away from here! You've got five minutes.
KOCHANSKI
Dave, listen to me. Dave - my Dave - had a saying: "even the word
'hopeless' has 'hope' in it"...
CAT
Maybe you had to be there..?
LISTER [Mic]
What the hell did that mean?
KOCHANSKI
You *can't* give up!
LISTER [Mic]
I'm dead already. Use your eyes. I look worse than the Grim Reaper's
passport photo.
KRYTEN
Please give us more time, sir? The medicomp might still come up with an
antidote.
LISTER [Mic]
There's no point. Look, I haven't... made a will... Kris? Under my bunk,
I want you to have the collection of songs I wrote about you.
KOCHANSKI
Collection?
LISTER [Mic]
Well, three. There's only two things that rhyme with 'Kochanski'; I used
'underpantski' twice...
Kryten, to you I leave all my laundry. Hey, keep it clean for me man.
KRYTEN
Oh, sir, you're too generous.
LISTER [Mic]
Cat, you can have anything you want from my wardrobe.
CAT
I can? Great! I need some hangers!
[-- x - Int. Drive room aboard the Leviathan -----------------------------]
LISTER
Sixty seconds left, epideme.
EPIDEME
Davvve, your heart says 'blow' but your brain says 'no!'. You're no
quitter - hell! - the people of this ship kept searching for a solution
right until the end! *They* never gave up.
LISTER
They didn't?
EPIDEME
Hell, *no*! They even overloaded their engines - so *sad*, 'cause they
were *so near*...
LISTER
So near... They weren't running *from* something, but *to* something...
Son-of-a-gun...
Kryten, man, change of plan!
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ----------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present]
KRYTEN
Er, sir, I've been meaning to ask: as you retain specialist knowledge from
each of your victims, and as the two of us have no gripe, I was wondering if
you'd be kind enough to fill in some gaps in *my* knowledge?
EPIDEME
Sure, shoot! I'm red hot in quantum mechanics, cell molecular biology and
TV theme tunes! Ask me *anything*...
KRYTEN
Very well. One thing I've always wanted to know: who on earth *was* the
fourth Marx brother?
EPIDEME
Zippo. *Easy*! Ask me a hard one.
KRYTEN
A hard one?
EPIDEME
A *HAAAAAAAARD* one... oouuugggh.
KRYTEN
Very well. How could Starbug's drive module be reconfigured to be made
more efficient?
EPIDEME <takes a deep beath>
Re-route the pulse relays by the auxilliary conductor node and transpose
all the prime numbers in the first line of the alphabet to the energy
equation. Thhbptptpt.
KRYTEN
And that would make Starbug more efficient?
EPIDEME
Thrrrreeee hundred percent faster!
LISTER
That's all we needed to know. The Leviathan was heading for Delta 7 for
the epideme cure. Trouble was, by the time *we* reached Delta 7 I'd be
dead.
KRYTEN
Unless we could work out a way of making the ship go faster.
LISTER
And now we have...
EPIDEME
Well I'll be the son-of-a-bacteria...
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KOCHANSKI present]
KOCHANSKI
How're we doing?
CAT
Like a speeding bullet stuck in the back end of a bat out of hell!
Going into orbit right now.
KOCHANSKI
Scanning surface... oh my god...
CAT
What is it?
KOCHANSKI
The planet, it's been flamed - there's nothing down there! Not a
building, not a plant... nothing...
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay -------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
You knew, didn't you?
EPIDEME
Heyyy, I had to do something to make Dave think there was hope. The whole
planet was flamed to get rid of me! But I'd allrrrready left, in one of the
Star Corps. medical engineers, who then made a housecall - to the Leviathan!
<Angry and frustrated, KOCHANSKI opens her mouth to retort, then appears to
suddenly think of something. She turns and rushes out>
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay -------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present]
[Enter CAT]
CAT
How's it going?
KRYTEN
Life signs almost gone, sir.
EPIDEME
And in tomorrow's episode: Kris Kochanski has a nasty turn when Dave, her
hilarious decomposing boyfriend, returns from the grave to infect her with a
wacky, but charasmatic, virus!
Until then, good night...
[Exit EPIDEME]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
Okay, last roll of the dice. Dave, I'm gonna stop your heart, okay?
KRYTEN/CAT
What!?
KOCHANSKI [to LISTER]
It's the last chance to save you, *do you agree*?
LISTER
You're gonna prevent epideme from killing me by killing me..?
KOCHANSKI
I'll take that as a yes...
<KOCHANSKI raises a hypo-spray device to LISTER's chest and pumps a shot
into his heart. LISTER jolts then lies still>
KOCHANSKI
Is he..?
KRYTEN
Dead!? Yes, ma'am!
<KOCHANSKI gingerly moves her left arm over LISTER's body towards his head>
KRYTEN
Er, careful Miss Kochanski, don't get too close to him!
<As her hand approaches LISTER's mouth, his torso suddenly spasms.
Epideme's laughter rings out as LISTER sinks his teeth into KOCHANSKI's
hand, and LISTER falls back, unmoving>
KRYTEN
The epideme virus hass transferred to you! It's infected your hand!
EPIDEME
And the big showbiz news today is that, as expected, the long-running
virus, epideme, has been renewed for *another season*!
KOCHANSKI
Wrong, bug-head! You're *axed*!
<Her voice grating, KOCHANSKI picks up the laser saw and raises it over the
infected arm>
EPIDEME
No... no! Yaaaaagggghhh!
<Swiftly and unemotionally, KOCHANSKY drops the saw over the arm, severing
it at the elbow>
CAT
Oh - my - god! Did you see that!? She - she -
<Unable to get a grip on what he's just seen, CAT serenely keels over,
rigid>
KRYTEN
Miss Kochanski, ma'am! What - I mean - what - have you gone completely
insane?!?
KOCHANSKI
Kryten..!
<sounding much too cheerful for a woman who's just cut off her own arm,
KOCHANSKI reveals the bare and unblemished left arm of her own from behind
her back and flashes both triumphantly. KRYTEN gasps, eyes flashing
between the two arms attached to KOCHANSKI's body, and the arm lying on the
floor>
KOCHANSKI
It was Caroline Carmen's - I injected it with blood and adreneline!
KRYTEN
That really is quite extraordinary...
<KOCHANSKI heads to ward the exit hatch, KRYTEN following. They pass out of
sight, and KRYTEN's voice can be heard as they walk away:
KRYTEN
D'you know, I had you marked down as a bit of a madam, but I really have
to except that I'm going to have to get to like you at that. I mean, you do
annoy me to some degree but, really, that --
**MR LISTER**!!!!
[Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, sprinting in from the corridor]
<KRYTEN squeals something, most likely a request to KOCHANSKI to pass him
the high voltage cardiac arrest pads>
KRYTEN
Clear!
<KRYTEN places the pads on LISTER's chest and fires a jolt of electricity
through LISTER's body. LISTER arches off the bed, but falls back lifeless.
KRYTEN
Clear!
<Again the pads fire, and again LISTER arches. As he falls back to the bed,
we hear him draw in a shuddering breath>
KRYTEN
Clear!
<One more jolt from the pads sends LISTER off the bed, and coughs and
splutters his way back to life>
LISTER
Ohh, where have I been?
KRYTEN
Well, for the last few minutes, sir, you've been dead...
LISTER
Wow...
KOCHANSKI
How did it feel?
LISTER
Ever been to Swindon?
<Unexpectedly, KOCHANSKI's leans forward and places a gentle kiss on
LISTER's forehead>
LISTER
What's that for?
KOCHANSKI
For not staying dead!
<As she steps back, KRYTEN fussily moves in and, with a duster, dabs at
LISTER's forehead. He turns back to KOCHANSKI as he dabs, explaining:>
KRYTEN
Germs.
[---------------------------- END OF "EPIDEME" ----------------------------]
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor
and Paul Alexander; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended.
Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk"
Thanks.]
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-86648892039563845502012-11-01T09:59:00.000-07:002012-11-01T09:59:01.512-07:00Series 7 Episode 6 - Beyond a Joke<br />
<pre>[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 7
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 6 -- BEYOND A JOKE
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.5
27 February - 3 March, 1997
Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
Credits for corrections:
[-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------]
LISTER
Mm! Smells good, Kryten. What is it?
KRYTEN
Something I caught scuttling around the cargo bay, sir... managed to land
a monkey wrench on it, and the rest is history!
LISTER
'Scuttling thing, a la monkey wrench'? Kryten, nothing I'm prepared to
eat has ever scuttled. This mouth is a scuttle-free zone.
It does smell good though, what is it?
KRYTEN
Ah, the only clue I'm prepared to give, sir, is: we're having it with
green wine...
LISTER
It's space weevil, isn't it...
KRYTEN
It is not, no, sir.
LISTER
Look, the rule is simple: I will not eat any animal that has ever been a
cartoon. Weevils, rabbits, dogs, cats, mice, road-runners; all out. I'm
not a cartoonivore!
KRYTEN
Ta-daa!
LISTER
Lobster!
KRYTEN
Poached, in a delicate cream sauce, sir. Little so-en-so escaped in the
hold.
LISTER
Where did you get a live lobster?
KRYTEN
The S.S. Centauri, they had four in their stasis block.
LISTER
You've really gone to a lot of trouble over this, haven't you...
KRYTEN
You don't know what day it is, do you, sir?
LISTER
Today? Someone's birthday?
KRYTEN
Nope.
LISTER
Christmas? Easter?
KRYTEN
Nope.
LISTER
National Have Something That Scuttles For Dinner day?
KRYTEN
No.
LISTER
Well, what then?
KRYTEN
Today is the day that you rescued me from the Nova 5 - I thought we should
have a surprise celebration!
LISTER
I had no idea! Why didn't you say?
Ahh, if you'd *said*, it wouldn't have been much of a surprise, right?
KRYTEN
Prescisely, sir, it would have been about as unsurprising as an episode
of Tales Of The Unexpected.
LISTER
Eh?
KRYTEN
The old Channel 72 show. It was... Everyone... <ahem> Never mind.
[Enter KOCHANSKI, CAT]
KOCHANSKI
Okay everyone? Ready? Let's go!
KRYTEN
Go?
CAT
We're going to the Artificial Reality suite! We just loaded in that new
software we picked up from the S.S. Centauri.
KOCHANSKI
Can you believe the luck? Finding a working copy of Jane Austin world??
It's the luckiest find I've made since I discovered that tube of leg-wax
under the medi-scanner.
CAT
You found my leg-wax?
KOCHANSKI
We're going to visit 'Pride And Prejudice' land. This is gonna be *so*
great!
CAT
It's Chick City, bud! Five sisters and they're all hotter than a
Mustang's exhaust!
KRYTEN
But, what about the supper??
LISTER
The thing is... we didn't *know*.
KOCHANSKI
Just, put it in the oven, and we'll have it in a couple of hours.
KRYTEN
But, I mean, it's just --
KOCHANSKI
Look, I'm just trying to get the Bozo Brothers here interested in
something slightly more culturally sophisticated than 'Name That Smell', or
the even more popular 'How Many Marbles Can You Fit Up Your Nostril' game...
We'll have it when we get back.
KRYTEN
And you're going to go with them, sir? This is... It's unbelievable.
KOCHANSKI
I know! Davey and Jane Austin are not an obvious pairing - but think
about it: she's closely identifiable to Bath in the 19th century, and that
was the last time Dave had one! <laughs>
[Exit KOCHANSKI, CAT]
LISTER
I just thought I'd check it out... Y'know, I never had much of an
education, what with being and orphan, and going to art college. Thought I
might learn something here.
KRYTEN
Of course. How silly of me. After all, you've always been a big fan of
penetrating 19th century observations of middle-class manners. I mean, just
because you own a t-shirt advertising the rock band 'Colostomy Explosion'
doesn't mean you're not a master of erudition!
LISTER
Oh, just stick it in the oven, come and join us and we'll have it when we
get back!
KRYTEN
Two days I've spent, preparing this!
LISTER
Kryten, I've gotta go, man, they're waiting for me. I'm sorry.
[Exit LISTER]
KRYTEN
I don't know why I bother. Gallivanting off like that! And on our
aniversary too!
[-- x - OB. A forest within the AR simulation ----------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI, CAT, LISTER present]
KOCHANSKI
'Pride and Prejudice' world! When I was fourteen in Cyberschool I used
to spend all my time here.
CAT
These strides are too tackle-tight, Officer B-B. I can barely cruise!
KOCHANSKI
Look, just try and appreciate the nuances and culture.
CAT
I'm tryin', but it's real hard when there's a seam splicing your nadgers
in two!
KOCHANSKI
You're gonna spoil it for us, aren't you...
LISTER
No he won't, he'll be fine. Look man, all clothes were a bit nadger-
restricting back in them days. That's why there were so many wars.
KOCHANSKI
Okay? Let's interact with the characters, then perhaps you can *begin* to
understand why the book is such a masterpiece..?
<five young women fade into existance, along with an older, maternal woman>
KOCHANSKI
Ah! Good morning, Mrs Bennett. Is it not a most fine day?
MRS BENNETT
'Tis an utter delight and no mistake.
Oh, we don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting your handsome
young friends..?
<girls giggle>
KOCHANSKI
This is Mr Lister, and his friend Mr Cat.
<girls giggle>
MRS BENNETT
Perhaps you would like to join us on a turn around the forest, and later
have tea in Mr Pindley's gazebo?
1ST SISTER
Oh please, ma-ma, can they come?
2ND SISTER
May they, oh, that would be so delightful!
1ST SISTER
Oh yes, oh, please! Oh do! Do come to tea, oh please, please!
CAT <to LISTER>
They're so hot they're steamin'!
[-- x - Int. Starbug -----------------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
"Cook it", "don't cook it", "do this", "do that"! Well, I'm sorry, I'm
gonna make you eat this damn supper if it's the last thing I do!
<enters AR simulation>
[-- x - OB. Woodland within AR simulation -------------------------------]
[ALL present, KRYTEN stalking the party]
<we hear the girls giggling as the party makes their way slowly through
the woodland>
<KRYTEN picks off a straggling sister with blowpipe>
<catches next sister in a rope trap and silences her with the blowpipe>
<tries to bump off next sister with a log swing trap, but misses>
[-- x - Int. Starbug -----------------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
Just borrow the T-72 from the WW2 game... and then I think we'll have
*everyone's* attention...
[-- x - OB. Gazebo by a lakeside in the AR simulation --------------------]
[ALL present]
MRS BENNETT
Where on earth have {Dame} Lizzie and Jane disappeared to? Such rudeness!
I'm most vexed!
<girls giggle>
KOCHANSKI
Never mind, Mrs Bennett, I'm sure they'll be --
<T-72 rolls out of the lake, Kryten opens hatch and stands up>
KRYTEN
Perhaps I didn't make myself clear? I said: 'supper is ready'!
<fires a round from the tank which decimates the gazebo. When the smoke
clears, only LISTER, CAT and KOCHANSKI remain>
KRYTEN
Is anyone still unclear as to the supper situation? No? Excellent.
LISTER <quietly>
I didn't know robots *got* PMT!
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]
[ALL present. The mood is tense]
LISTER
It's nice, Kryts, really nice.
KOCHANSKI
It's really great.
LISTER
In fact, it's better than nice, it's fantastic.
KOCHANSKI
Isn't it great?
LISTER
It's really great.
KOCHANSKI
Really, really great.
CAT
Are we eating the same stuff?
KRYTEN
I don't know *why* I make the effort. No one appreciates the *hours* I
put into food prep! My fingers are practically worn down to the endo-
skeleton.
LISTER
Is there any ketchup?
KRYTEN
Any *what*?
LISTER
Ketchup. I just thought it could do with a bit of ketchup...
Just a dollop..?
KRYTEN
Ketchup??
KOCHANSKI
Oh my god...
KRYTEN
You want *ketchup*??
LISTER
Errm... brown! Not tomato! Brown! It's not like I've got *no* class...
KRYTEN
With lobster? You want *brown* ketchup?
LISTER
It's really nice Kryts, but you know me, I just thought it could do with
a bit of a pep-up...
KRYTEN
I *can't* believe it. I simply cannot b --
<head explodes, showering the diners>
CAT
Oh well done, bud! Now *we'll* have to do the washing up!
KOCHANSKI
He's *literally* blown his top!
Cat, can you go and get a spare head?
CAT
How come I have to do everything around here? I never get a second to
myself! "Cat do this", "Cat do that"; what am I? A dog?
[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay -------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
<LISTER is fiddling with a spare head. Shortly, he screws the head onto
KRYTEN's shoulders>
LISTER
There. I think that's it; boot him up.
KOCHANSKI
You're *sure* you know what you're doing?
LISTER
Hey...
KRYTEN
Ketchup?? With *lobster*, you want --
<second head explodes violently>
KOCHANSKI
I thought you said you knew what you were doing!
LISTER
No, I just said 'hey'. If you'd let me finish the whole sentence it'd
have been: 'hey... no I don't'.
[Enter CAT]
CAT
Any luck?
KOCHANSKI
We've been back and forth through his core program and, as far as we can
tell, nothing's wrong.
CAT
Maybe worth testing it with one of his spare heads?
LISTER
*What* spare heads...
KOCHANSKI
We've blown them all out!
LISTER
Look at it - have you ever seen so many blackheads outside the staffroom
of a fried chicken franchise?
KOCHANSKI
We've managed to save his RAM chips, so at least we've got his personality
on disk, but, that's about it...
CAT
Life without a head... that's gonna put a real crimp on his lifestyle. I
mean, what can you do without a head?
LISTER
Apart from being you? Hardly anything.
KOCHANSKI
We're going to have to get him another one, somehow.
LISTER
I should've been looking out for him. How could I let this happen?
KOCHANSKI
When was the Centauri built..? Maybe they had a mechanoid service unit?
LISTER <to CAT>
*Think*. Any clues when it was built?
KOCHANSKI
Which century?
CAT
It had those big crystalline turbine drives... I'd say 21st, or 22nd
century.
Maybe even 23rd or 24th. At the outside, 25th, 26th or 27th. But don't
hold me to it.
KOCHANSKI
And we're asking his advice?? Let's at least ask someone who's at least
going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion:
Hello, wall! What do *you* think?
LISTER
Hang on, hang on...
KOCHANSKI
What're you doing?
LISTER
Logging on to their mainframe... If there's a Divadroid signature on
their supplies inventory then its possible there're some mech heads 'round
there somewhere.
CAT
Maybe 29th...
[-- x - Int. The Centauri ------------------------------------------------]
[On-board the Centauri. miscellaneous mech parts scattered around>
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]
KOCHANSKI
Look!
<A line of old, dirty mechanoid heads hang from a rail>
<LISTER spots something>
LISTER
Hey; simulant... probably rogue - let's get the smeg outta here!
<noises of something approaching. they hide under a tarpaulin>
LISTER [VO]
Hmm, you smell good...
CAT [VO]
Thanks!
[a simulant passes by their hiding place and disappears into the bowels of
the derelict ship]
KOCHANSKI
They're all missing their primers.
LISTER
Well this Johnny won't help us. Simulants hate anything human or
humanoid. In fact, anything beginning with a 'hu'...
KOCHANSKI
Probably hate the third largest city in Vietnam, then... <laugh>
LISTER
[BEAT]
How's that?
KOCHANSKI
Because it's called 'Hu', dummy.
Well, actually, it's pronounced 'Hwah', but if I'd said 'hwah' it wouldn't
have been as funny.
Any navigation conference *anywhere*, they would be in the *aisles* with
a quip like that.
LISTER
Probably trying to get out the building before you quipped again...
KOCHANSKI
Well, the point I was trying to make is that sims hate humans, but they
don't hate GELFs...
CAT
But, we're not GELFs...
KOCHANSKI
We could be.
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]
[CAT and KOCHANSKI dressed in GELF suits. KOCHANSKI holds a leash around
LISTERs neck]
LISTER
This is nuts!
KOCHANSKI
We look great! What are you talking about?
LISTER
This is never gonna work.
KOCHANSKI
Ak ak ak akka ak? Ha ak?
CAT
Hyak ak ak ak! Ak akakakak!
LISTER
You *can't* speak GELF...
KOCHANSKI
Neither can the sim! We'll just do an impression of you first thing in
the morning and we'll be fine!
Come on, boy...
[-- x - Int. The Centauri ------------------------------------------------]
[CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
LISTER
This is so demeaning - I feel like a piece of meat!
CAT
There's someone up there!
<CAT and KOCHANSKI call out in thier very fake GELF language>
LISTER
It's worse than a chronic catarr sufferers' annual outing!
[-- x - Int. Room within the centauri ------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI, CAT present, seated at a table with the SIMULANT. LISTER
present standing, leashed, between the other two Dwarfers]
[KOCHANSKI hacks and coughs in 'GELF', and gestures at a rail of mech heads]
SIMULANT
After spare mech heads, 'ey?
<The SIMULANT appears to suddenly notice LISTER for the first time>
SIMULANT
'Uman! Lovely with a bit of mint sauce! 'Ow about a trade?
CAT
We ain't sellin', okay? Fuel, supplies, anything, but not the human.
<KOCHANKSI urgently hacks in GELF>
CAT
I was just tellin' him - no deal.
<Again KOCHANSKI tries to warn CAT>
CAT
Like she says: no deal.
<KOCHANKSI desperately tries to make CAT understand>
CAT
You tell him, Bud-Babe! No deal! You got that?
SIMULANT
So... you speak Earth, 'ey?
<Realising his mistake, CAT's face slides into a sickly smile and he utters
a single hack, thumb and index finger of one had raised and close together>
SIMULANT
Tails... you can 'ave the mech 'eads for free... 'eads... I take the
'uman.
LISTER
Hey, wait a minute!
<flips coin>
SIMULANT
It's tails, the 'eads are yours. And, 'ere, are the primers. Now, 'ow
about a toast, 'ey? To Simulants: the greatest droids in the Universe -
but never trust 'em, 'ey? Cheers!
<laughs>
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]
[Starbug looks to have been hit by an internal hurricane]
[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]
LISTER
Aw, we've been set up!
CAT
But how??
KOCHANSKI
He must have had a sidekick - he kept us talking while his mate ransacked
the ship!
LISTER <alarmed>
Kryten!
[Exit ALL, running]
[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]
[The medi-bay hasn't escaped attention, either]
[Enter ALL]
LISTER
They've taken his RAM chip, too...
[-- x - Int. Workshop aboard the Centauri --------------------------------]
[SIMULANT present, another mechanoid present; same head as Kryten but a
green body shell]
SIMULANT
'Ere's a little job for you, Able. Looks like a negadrive blow back.
ABLE <broad, slightly slurring accent>
Oh wow! Another mech.
SIMULANT
Fix 'im, ready for market, or I'll apply the electro-leash to your
nipples.
ABLE
Fix him, or get fried nipple nuts? Er, er, I think I'm gonna choose the
'fix him' option! Deal!
SIMULANT
'Urry up! You stupid 'zoney!
<The SIMULANT bounces an iron bar over the mech's bald head, bending the bar
with the force>
ABLE
Is now a good time to ask about a pay rise?
<ABLE receives another bash over the head>
ABLE
Uh, I'm almost out of ultrazone, I need some more.
SIMULANT
Fix the mech, first. 'Ere's 'is RAM chip.
[Exit SIMULANT]
<ABLE picks up a tall, unlabelled bottle, opens his chest screen and plugs
the bottle into the cavity. As the contents seep in, ABLE's face turns
beautific, and he sighs happily. After a short time he removes the bottle
and closes the orifice>
ABLE
Totally tubular!
[FADE}
[-- x - Int. Workshop aboard the Centauri --------------------------------]
[Some hours later, while ABLE has been tinkering with Kryten]
KRYTEN
Goodness me! What a peculiar experience.
Thank you, Mr... er - Mr... er -- What is your name?
ABLE
Er, just give me a second, okay?
<ABLE looks distant and appears to tense himself for a moment>
ABLE
I've just sent that query down to long term memory retrieval. It'll be
back in no time.
Hang on, here it comes.
Told you it would be quick.
Abel. My name's Able: A - B - L - E, Able.
KRYTEN
My name is Kryten. You're a 4000-series, too, aren't you?
ABLE
Er, hang on. Won't take a tick.
KRYTEN
Please, don't bother. Believe me, you *are* a 4000.
ABLE
Well, I could check - it'll only take about twenty seconds.
KRYTEN
Your serial number's '2X4C' - I'm a 2X4c too! We must have the same
motherboard.
ABLE
Wohh, then you're my bro'! Hey, wow, you wanna try some Ultrazone?
KRYTEN
Ultrazone's dangerous and highly addictive!
ABLE
Why, I only use it every now and then, y'know? It helps me get through
the day.
KRYTEN
Well how come you ended up here?
ABLE
Er, hang on.
<Again, ABLE tenses himself up and makes a straining noise>
KRYTEN
What an irritating characteristic...
ABLE
Okay: the ship I was on, well, it, er, kind of crashed a bit.
KRYTEN
'Crashed a bit'?
ABLE
All the crew just lay there and they didn't talk to me anymore. Then,
after a couple of years I figured out they must be dead. Then a long time
later, the Simulant guy came and picked me up. He's a bit of a psychopathic
killing machine, but, he has his good side. And, he has a huge stash of
ultrazone!
You sure you won't try some, Kryten? Bro'?
KRYTEN
I'm not your bro', and I do *not* touch ultrazone! It corrupts your
circuit boards!
ABLE
Well, that's what people say, but... where's the evidence?
[BEAT]
Have I just said that?
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
LISTER
Appoaching the Centauri - 80 clicks and closing. Nice and easy, man...
CAT
Hang on - their retros have started up. They've spotted us!
KOCHANSKI
Look at the accelleration of that thing! They're already halfway across
the sector!
LISTER
The Centauri can travel at speeds that we can only dream of...
CAT
Most ice cream vans can travel at speeds we can only dream of...
LISTER
<sigh> We're never gonna catch them now. We've lost Kryten.
KOCHANSKI
Okay, turn the thrusters to maximum speed on a bearing Q23 stroke J80.
<model shot>
LISTER
This is the opposite direction to the Centauri - full speed!
KOCHANSKI
Precisely.
CAT
Well, why do we wanna do that?
KOCHANSKI
It's totally insane.
LISTER
So why *do* we wanna do it then?
KOCHANSKI
The only reason I can think of is if we've planted something on the
Centauri and we knew it was gonna blow any second.
CAT
But we haven't.
KOCHANSKI
No, we haven't. But explain this: if we haven't, why are we in such a
rush to get the hell out of here?
CAT
It doesn't make sense.
KOCHANSKI
Exactly.
LISTER
Unless we really *have* planted a bomb on the Centauri.
KOCHANSKI
Which we haven't.
CAT
So wait a minute. Even if we didn't plant a bomb, the only thing that
really explains what we're doing is if we did! Which we didn't! But we
must have! Because, otherwise, what we're doing is totally nuts!
KOCHANSKI
Exactly.
LISTER
They've turned around and started tracking us!
CAT
What a fluke!
[-- x - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
LISTER
Getting an incoming... someone's beaming on board... cargo bay!
[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, taking cover behind bulkheads. SIMULANT,
GELF PARTNER, ABLE, KRYTEN present]
SIMULANT
We know about the bomb.
CAT
So we *did* plant a bomb! I was beginning to wonder.
SIMULANT
Where did you hide it!? Speak! Or you'll spend the rest of the day
picking bits of charred mech out of your clothing.
CAT
Er, can I change into dungarees?
LISTER
Hand over Kryten and we'll tell ya.
SIMULANT
Clearly, I need to prove myself...
Kryten, that file in your CPU; the one you've never been able to access...
The password is '4X2C'...
ABLE
Hang on a minute...
SIMULANT
It's about your creator, Kryten - Dr Mammett.
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, no!
KRYTEN
Acessing now...
No! It can't be true... It can't...
ABLE
The truth is in there - that's what turned me into a 'zoney.
SIMULANT
Who's next? The Cat? Or the woman? Choose - heads or tails?
ABLE
Heads!
<ABLE suddenly removes his head and throws it at the SIMULANT, knocking
him back. LISTER rushes in, swing-kicks him in the head and knocking him
to the ground, then shoots at the GELF and knocks it unconscious>
LISTER
Right, lets send them back to their ship and get the hell out of 'ere
before they get their smeg together!
[-- x - Int. Starbug -----------------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN present, sitting motionlessly]
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
Kryten, man, what's wrong? You look sadder than the salad you get with a
takaway shaami kebab.
Tell me what you found out about your creator.
KRYTEN
I can't, sir, it's too terrible.
LISTER
Kryten, me and you are amigos; you've gotta tell me.
KRYTEN
Well, you keep secrets from me, sir.
LISTER
Like what?
KRYTEN
What about your nickname when you were at school?
LISTER
What nickname?
KRYTEN
I know what it was.
LISTER
I don't think so; no one knows that.
KRYTEN
Well, I'm afraid that's just not true, "Fatboy". You talk in your sleep.
LISTER
It was for a couple of years! Eleven to thirteen when I was living with
m' gran. She was massive, her stockings used to rub together when she
walked; when she was in a hurry it sounded like a steam train pulling out of
a station!
I started getting fat too. It really hit home when she died. She got
knocked down by this truck, and the chalk outline guys had to go back to the
truck for a second piece of chalk! I thought: I don't want to end up like
that, double-chalker!
If you ever tell Kris or the Cat this, you're in pieces. Now tell me
about you creator.
KRYTEN
Oh, it's so humiliating!
LISTER
Tell me about Professor Mammett!
KRYTEN
Well, she was due to marry John Warburton, a fellow bio-engineer. He
jilted her the day before their wedding, so she decided to create a droid in
his image - a pompous, ridiculous-looking, mother-hen clucking, irascible
buffoon.
LISTER
What happenned to this droid?
KRYTEN
That droid, sir, is me!
LISTER
Pompous? Ridiculous-looking? Mother-hen clucking? Oh yeah, I see now...
KRYTEN
We're all John Warburton, sir, the entire 4000-series. It was Mammett's
revenge.
LISTER
Well, judging from the length of your groinal attachment, you can see why
she was so sad to lose him...
KRYTEN
As part of the joke, all my negative emotions - jealousy, anger - are
stored on a special file; my 'negadrive'. Now, when this file gets full it
blows! Just like he used to.
LISTER
All your resentment's in this thing? It's so small.
KRYTEN
Oh, don't be fooled by that, sir. This box contains the greatest
concentration of anger, jealousy and resentment outside a BAFTA awards
ceremony!
LISTER
Able felt betrayed, lost all his self-esteem; it's what turned him to
ultrazone. He told me - he's promised to quit.
KRYTEN
How could Mammett have done this?
LISTER
Kryten, you may have started out as a joke, but you've grown, you've
changed. Look how different you are to Able. If Mammett came in here now,
I bet she wouldn't even recognise you.
KRYTEN
I've evolved?
LISTER
You bet.
KRYTEN
I've become something that's... beyond a joke?
LISTER
Too right, man.
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
There's something coming in from the starboard bow!
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KOCHANSKI present]
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
CAT
The Sim's back; he's got a lock on!
LISTER
Reverse thrust - go! Five, niner, seven.
KOCHANSKI
Missed, but still locked on! Right, I'm taking us into that asteroid
belt.
CAT
Oh, not an asteroid belt!
KOCHANSKI
Is that a problem?
CAT
It sure is! Everything tips from side to side, and my hair gets all
messed up!
KOCHANSKI
So what do we do? Stay here and get splattered??
CAT
Rather that than me looking like Tina Turner!
LISTER
I'm taking us in.
KRYTEN
Once we're in the belt, we'll have to maintain ship and engine silence
'till he's convinced we're not there.
[-- x - Int. Centauri Ops room -------------------------------------------]
[SIMULANT present]
SIMULANT
I know you're in that belt... somewhere...
One little mistake... and you're mine...
<MONTAGE: once powered down, the crew spend a tense few hours passing time
in the mid-section. left by himself, Able wanders into the cockpit to take
a hit of ultrazone. He accidentally leans on a switch on the control panel,
powering up their engines and causing an energy surge>
SIMULANT
The mistake is made...
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[ABLE present]
[Enter ALL]
LISTER
What happenned, man!?
ABLE
I dunno, I don't know nothin'!
CAT
Clear out of here!
KRYTEN
Leave *him* to me!
[Exit ABLE, KRYTEN]
[-- x - Int. Starbug --------------------------------------------------]
[Enter ABLE, KRYTEN]
ABLE <spaced out and laughing>
Oh, I think I may have pressed the wrong button...
KRYTEN
You have jeapordised the lives of the entire crew, breaking the most
basic, fundamental command codes!
ABLE <seriously>
I'm sorry - I didn't mean nuthin'...
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN present>
LISTER
This dude's real mad, we don't stand a chance!
KOCHANSKI
I can't throw him off; nothing's working, I'm using every trick I know to
distract him!
CAT
Pity we can't all moon out of the starboard portholes! That always works
for me!
LISTER
Wait! Someone's left the ship - an escape pod!
KRYTEN
It's Able!
LISTER
It's heading towards the Sim's ship.
KRYTEN
Why, that slimy, double-crossing, two-faced piece of scum! He's no
brother of mine!
LISTER
He's fired something at them...
CAT
Some sort of energy field... looks heavy.
KRYTEN
The negadrive! He's used my negadrive energy and re-routed it through the
escape pod's thrusters. The Simulant ship is engulfed in all my negativity.
[-- x - Int. Centauri Ops room -------------------------------------------]
[SIMULANT present]
SIMULANT
It's all 'opeless! Nobody loves me; I'm so ugly!
I never get invited to parties! I 'ate this ship! I 'ate *everything*!
<The Centauri explodes>
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
KOCHANSKI
Able's pod just crash-landed.
LISTER
He threw his life away to save us and we hardly knew him...
KRYTEN
With your permission, sirs, ma'am, I should like to recover the body and
perform last rites.
[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]
[ALL present. KRYTEN carries the motionless body of ABLE out of the pod]
LISTER
Do you need a hand, Kryts?
KRYTEN
He ain't heavy, sir, he's my *brother*.
[-- x - Int. An indian restaurant in an AR simulation --------------------]
[ALL present, together with MRS BENNETT and the SISTERS from Pride And
Prejudice World]
LISTER
Great anniversary party, Kryters - Curry World! Fan-smeggin'-tastic!
<girls giggle>
MRS BENNETT
How utterly splendid! Mine's the 'vindaloo', whatever that is!
KOCHANSKI
Mrs Bennett, Jane, Kitty: I beg you have the omlette with the big chips.
Curries are an aquired taste...
MRS BENNETT
Oh *nonsense*! Mr Darcy didn't think Jane would enjoy french apples, but
she did, didn't you Jane?
Now, tuck in, girls!
[MRS BENNETT and the girls start eating, their faces showing some suprise]
MRS BENNETT
I do declare, Mr Lister, this is most scrumptious!
1ST SISTER
Oh mama, it's the most succulent dish I've ever tasted!
2ND SISTER
A most meritorious venture.
[KOCHANSKI, LISTER and CAT take a mouthful of their own curries, and they
just enough time to swallow before...]
KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT
AAaarrggg!!
KRYTEN
Curious - there must be some sort of bug in the program...
LISTER
I'm on fire!!
CAT
Water!
KOCHANSKI
Somebody help me!
KRYTEN
Don't worry, sir, I'll work on it...
[------------------------- END OF "BEYOND A JOKE" -------------------------]
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor
and Robert Llewellyn; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended.
Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk"
Thanks.]
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-36418761756709200872012-11-01T09:58:00.003-07:002012-11-01T10:02:05.243-07:00Season 7 Episode 5 - Blue<br />
<pre>[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 7
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 5 -- BLUE
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.5
18-19 February, 1997
Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
[------------------ <RUN NEW RED DWARF 7 TITLE SEQUENCE> ------------------]
[-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, polishing a pair of boots]
[Enter KRYTEN]
<KRYTEN, noticing what LISTER is doing, stands surprised for a moment before
speaking>
KRYTEN
Good morning, sir! How about a little breakfast? What would you say to a
dozen grilled winkels on a bed of curried rice crispies?
LISTER
I'm not eatin' that spicy stuff any more.
KRYTEN
Forgive me, sir, but the phenomena of you not eating spicy food is like
a - a - zebra not being stripy, or an old lady not sitting on a park bench
with her legs open.
May I ask why?
LISTER
Apart from anything else it makes y' breath smell like a lift full of
senile donkeys returning from a gargling contest.
KRYTEN
Well, that's never bothered you before, sir..?
LISTER
Well it bothers me now, okay??
KRYTEN
It's because of *her*, isn't it... 'she who must be drooled over'...
LISTER
You mean Kris?
KRYTEN
Whatever *my* feelings, sir, I will *not* be tempted into making petty
criticisms of fellow crewmembers.
There is, of course, the issue of the salad cream...
LISTER
'The salad cream'..?
KRYTEN
I spent many months training everyone to put the salad cream in the
fridge. Then *she* comes on board, and - lo and behold! - it turns up back
in the cupboard!
LISTER <sarcastic>
The first moon we come to - let's dump her!
[-- x - Int. Starbug corridor ---------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
And what about the extra laundry? Now there are all kinds of
extraordinary items turning up in the dirty linen basket: tights; bras;
skimpy vests; little socks - tut, it's a massive extra workload! Frank is
very upset.
LISTER
Frank?
KRYTEN
The washing machine. I named him Frank, he works better with an identity.
And what about the ironing? I mean, *how* do you iron a bra??
LISTER
Well, you've gotta take it off first...
I spent years practicing that - used to put m' nan's bra around the
armchair until I could unhook it with m' left hand. Even now, whenever I
see a {Parker nol??} I get horny.
[-- x - Int. Starbug Mid-section ------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
But have you ever tried to iron a bra, sir? The only way I've found is
to stretch each container over my head, and iron it from there. Believe me,
on a hot cotton setting it sends my optical systems into leak overload.
LISTER
Cup.
KRYTEN
Sorry, sir?
LISTER
They're not called containers, they're called cups.
KRYTEN
See? I even have to learn new terminology, special *female* terminology:
'cups', 'pot pourri', 'depillatory cream' - oh! It's never-ending.
<LISTER wearily walks to the galley, KRYTEN following>
LISTER
How come you don't know what bras are? What about the women on the
Nova 5?
KRYTEN
Well, when I cleaned up my cache files, sir, I erased my lingerie
database. I didn't see there's be much call for it, unless we had a fancy
dress party, and you wanted to go as Herman Goering.
LISTER
Anyway, you can relax, Kryten. She programmed the scan probe last week,
and it's returned the coordinates of the dimensional tear. This time
tomorrow she;ll be back in her own dimension.
KRYTEN
Well you're surely not upset, sir?
LISTER
Look, if you've got a problem with *her*, say something to *her*.
KRYTEN
I think I will!
LISTER
There's no point whinging to me about it, say it to *her*.
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
Hi guys, how's it going?
KRYTEN
Ah! Morning Miss Kochanski, ma'am! Sleep well?
LISTER <to KRYTEN>
Coward.
<LISTER passes back into the mid-section>
KRYTEN <to LISTER>
Hypocrite.
<KRYTEN too re-enters the mid-section>
KOCHANSKI
Erm, not great, actually. Had this really weird dream about a monkey
being stretched across a tennis court... noise was just unbearable...
Where you practising the guitar again last night?
<LISTER avoids her eyes, and KOCHANSKI walks over to the galley>
KOCHANSKI
So, what's for breakfast?
<Opens fridge>
KOCHANSKI
Ah, what's this doing in here?
<KOCHANSKI takes the salad cream from fridge and puts it in a coupboard>
KRYTEN <to LISTER>
Hold me back! *Hold* me back!
[-- x - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------]
[-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters --------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
Don't you see, sir, these deviations from established Space Corps. drill
could put our lives in jeapardy!
LISTER
She was only drying her tights on the radiator!
KRYTEN
That's the thin end of the wedge, sir! One day it's drying tights, the
next we're spiralling out of control into the core of a newly-formed sun!
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
Er, sorry to interrupt, but we've got a couple of problems: all the
hazard-approach lights are flashing -
KRYTEN
All of them?
KOCHANSKI
Yes, although on this ship that can mean anything from "we're under
attack", to "the baked potatoes are burning".
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
KRYTEN
Either way, it's serious.
[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER]
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KOCHANSKI present]
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
CAT
Getting a reading... There's something up ahead: a shiny thing, with a
long, silvery, glimmery thing behind it.
KOCHANSKI
It's a phasing comet - velocity 25,000mps.
CAT
That's what I said!
LISTER
Kryten?
KRYTEN
How am I supposed to concentrate on a phasing comet when, as soon as my
back's turned, the sald cream gets warm.
KOCHANSKI
Heading straight for it's tail - plotting avoidance course.
LISTER
What's the problem with going through it? It'll get you home quicker.
KOCHANSKI
Last time anyone did that, the gyroscopic forces ripped the ship apart,
turning the crew into the consistency of potato salad!
CAT
Is that the firm, delicatessen form of potato salad, or the squishy, gooey
stuff in tins?
KOCHANSKI
[beat]
Tins...
CAT
Maybe we should go around..?
LISTER
We'll make it - we're a crew - we've been through a few things. Remember
when we met up with the Vidal Beast of Sharma II?
CAT
The one that nearly killed us?
LISTER
No, the other one!
Look, we can make it, okay?
KOCHANSKI
Do you *know* what a comet is made of?
LISTER
Are you suggesting that I don't know what a comet's made of?
KOCHANSKI
Yes.
LISTER
Well I do.
KOCHANSKI
So what's it made of?
LISTER
What's it made of?
KOCHANSKI
Yes.
LISTER
You wanna know what it's made of?
KOCHANSKI
Yes, I do.
KRYTEN
Ma'am, he knows what it's made of.
KOCHANSKI
What??
KRYTEN
Sir, tell her for goodness sake!
KOCHANSKI
So, what's it made of?
<KRYTEN silently works his mouth, forming the word 'ice' for LISTER>
LISTER
I see - I see... Gas. Some kind of gas.
<KRYTEN buries his head>
KOCHANSKI
Some kind of gas??
LISTER
Yeah, some gas! Dunno what it's called, some gassy type of gas.
KOCHANSKI
It's made of *ice*.
LISTER
Exactly! An icey type of gas, that's what I said: ice, an ice gas.
CAT
I hate to interrupt, but this thing, whatever the hell it is, is gonna hit
us in about forty-five seconds!
LISTER
I was only tryin' to save time, so we could get to the dimensional tear
quicker! So you could get home to your much better Lister.
KOCHANSKI
And I'm just trying to prevent us being scattered all over the galaxy like
some kind of cosmic seasoning!
CAT
Here it comes!
KOCHANSKI
That wasn't forty-five seconds!
CAT
Oh - sorry! I was reading the baked potato timer by mistake! Will people
not leave that in here?? It just makes us look like we don't know what the
hell we're doing!
[comet hit]
CAT
Lateral trimmers not responding! It's like wrestling in treacle!
KOCHANSKI
You hear that? Cat says the trimmers are like wrestling in treacle!
CAT
No, I said they were *down*, then I asked if you like wrestling in --
Anyway...
LISTER
Damage report, Kryten.
KRYTEN
Auxilliary flight modulator has short-circuited --
CAT
And the chocolate dispensers' ejected all the {someting!} snack bars onto
the gallery floor!
[model shot]
LISTER
What's happenned to the stabalisers?
CAT
Never mind the stabalisers! Where's the hair mousse?
KRYTEN
Stabalisers very unstable...
CAT
Thirty snack bars sliding about!
LISTER
I'm taking over control!
<wrestles with controls>
LISTER
Yeaaaay, what did I tell ya? Come to daddy, baby! I have *control*.
KOCHANSKI
It's called the pre-fold vaccum; we're in-between vapour streams. With a
bit of luck we can ride it across to the other side of its tail.
[the second wave hits]
KOCHANSKI
Or maybe not!
If we don't turn around and go back we'll disintegrate in two minutes!
LISTER
Kryten?
KRYTEN
That's a little pessimistic, sir, I'd say more like three!
LISTER
I think we should turn around...
<Starbug survives the wave and flies into clear space>
LISTER
Pheww...
Well, go on, say it.
KOCHANSKI
Say what?
LISTER
You know what you want to say. Say it.
KOCHANSKI
You want me to say it?
LISTER
Say it.
KOCHANSKI
You *really* want me to say it?
LISTER
Go on, say it!
KOCHANSKI
All right. My Dave would *never* have endangered our crew like that.
LISTER
You *had* to say it, didn't you.
Will you stop calling your boyfriend 'Dave', he's just an alternative
version of me from a prallel dimension. He's not 'Dave', he's the
anti-Lister.
KOCHANSKI
Well, whoever the hell he is, I'm not gonna get to see him. By the time
we fix this *mess* I'll have missed the Linkway!
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
LISTER
Coulda got through that if the thrusters had worked...
CAT
According to the SysComm, the thrusters never worked 'cos we were
carrying too much weight.
KRYTEN
It's Miss Kochanski's *laundry*; why will no one listen to me? Those
little whirly things are heavier than they look!
CAT
Suppose we take a look in the cargo hold and see what supplies can be
jettisoned?
LISTER
I'll go. I could do with a breath of musty, fetid air...
KRYTEN
Er, sir... you didn't *deliberately* damage the ship so that Miss
Kochanski had to stay behind, did you..?
LISTER
No! 'Course not!
Look, I'm gonna check out the hold. Rimmer, man, you comin'?
<He stops. KRYTEN and CAT stare at him>
LISTER
Did I say..? Why did I call you 'Rimmer'? I called you 'Rimmer', my god!
Cat! Are you gonna make yourself useful or are you gonna preen yourself
all day?
CAT
You mean I have a choice??
LISTER
Come onnn...
Can't believe I called you 'Rimmer'...
[-- x - Int. Sleeping Quarters -------------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI present]
<knock>
KOCHANSKI <wearily>
Yesss?
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
As it seems you may be with us for some time, ma'am, I was wondering if I
might go through a few 'rules of the ship'?
KOCHANSKI
Like what..?
KRYTEN
Salad cream. Salad cream belongs in the fridge, and *not* in the
cupboard.
Two: Pants belong in the pants drawer, and socks belong in the socks
drawer. Having discovered a sock in your pants drawer, this simple
principle obviously needs re-stating...
KOCHANSKI
Talking of my clothes, I'd like you to explain why my bras come back from
the laundry shaped like... like... your *head*..?
<KRYTEN studiously avoids her eyes>
KRYTEN
Three: The toilet seat fiasco --
KOCHANSKI
Kryten! I just don't want to hear this!
KRYTEN
Mr Lister hasn't said anything, but I can tell he's *not* happy...
KOCHANSKI
Well he's not the only one! Do you think I *like* flying around space in
this big skip-with-thrusters? Do you think I even enjoy breathing in on
this ship?? And to cap it all, I am faced with some neurotic droid who's
completely obsessed with my pants drawer!
KRYTEN
You mean I'm not alone..? Oh, I see. You mean me.
Well, just as long as we understand one another!
[Exit KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
Ohhh, *god*. Welcome to hell...
[-- x - Int. Cargo hold --------------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT present]
LISTER
Look at these... Rimmer's old shoe trees. He had one for every pair of
his shoes. Gave them all names: Mon-shoetree, Tue-shoetree,
Weden-shoetree...
CAT
What the hell for?
LISTER
So they all spent the same ammount of time in his shoes.
CAT
Tsh. What a smeg head...
LISTER
Oh, he had lots of funny little habits. But now that he's gone, I can see
them for what they were...
CAT
Cretinous.
LISTER
No... they were all the little foibles that made Rimmer... speecial. He
was unique.
CAT
Yeah... irritating, awkward and unsightly. He was the human equivalent of
a visible pantie line!
Well, we may as well start somewhere. These can go!
LISTER
No, no, you can't throw *them* out. They're from when me and Rimmer
played gold on Treka XVI. We had a lot of fun.
CAT
You had *fun* with Rimmer??
[DISSOLVE: LISTER's flashback]
[-- x - Ext. Planetscape ------------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER present]
KRYTEN
I'm afraid I only had room to build a nine-hole course, sirs. It *is* a
very small planetoid. Er, taking into consideration the thiness of
atmosphere, sir, I've made this a fifteen mile hole, par 3.
<RIMMER takes shot, ball flies off into the distance>
KRYTEN
Oh, good *shot*, sir!
LISTER
Heyyy, watch this - watch and weep...
<LISTER takes shot, ball shoots space-ward>
LISTER
Ohh, smeg!
KRYTEN
Ooh, I - I think it's gone into orbit, sir.
RIMMER
Tough luck, Listy - I'll just pot mine and you owe me fifty big ones!
[Exit RIMMER]
LISTER
Look at him, in the right boots he could be marchin' into Poland.
<LISTER and KRYTEN walk a short distance>
LISTER
'Eyy, this is Rimmer's ball, isn't it?
KRYTEN
It must have gone right around the planetoid, sir.
LISTER
Well, no point botherin' him about it, Krytie, let's go.
[-- x - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, sat with feet up, watching RIMMER searching planetoid
surface on a monitor]
RIMMER
It must be here, somewhere! I've been 'round the planetoid twice!
LISTER
No ball, no bet, man - keep lookin'.
[DISSOLVE: out of flashback]
[-- x - Int. Cargo hold --------------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT present]
LISTER
Memories like that are just too precious to throw away...
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Hello there, sir, how's it going?
CAT
We're getting nowhere, bud. He won't throw anything away because it
reminds him of the good times he had with Rimmer! I must have blinked and
missed them.
LISTER
You don't know what we used to do back on Red Dwarf in the early days.
Like when we played the Locker Room game, we used to open up the lockers of
all the dead crew members, and we got to keep whatever we found.
[DISSOLVE: LISTER's flashback]
[-- x - Int. Red Dwarf locker-room --------------------------------------]
RIMMER
I don't trust you, Lister... this game's rigged. Every time we play it,
you win. Last time, you got a 30 carat gold wristwatch, and all I got was
one Wellington boot and a box of one hundred assorted tampons that glow in
the dark.
Right, well I'll go first this time.
LISTER
Okay.
RIMMER
No, you can go first...
LISTER
Okay, I'll have sixty-eight.
RIMMER
Ah-a-a-a-a. *I'll* have sixty-eight.
LISTER
Fine...
RIMMER
Er - you can have it.
LISTER
Why??
RIMMER
I know that you chose *that* one because you think that I think that
you're cheating; so I'll have it, and it'll be useless. Ahhhhhhh, I'm not
gonna fall for that one, Listy. You can have it.
LISTER
To smart for me, man...
<breaks open locker>
LISTER
'Eyy, a gold necklace; a bundle of cash; and 'eyyy, a nude wrestlin'
video! "Baked bean bombshells Volume 12".
RIMMER
Right! Well I'll have... *that* one. Number fifty-eight.
LISTER
Okay...
<LISTER breaks the lock, RIMMER steps forward and opens it, and is blasted
by a gout of flame that bursts out of the opened door. In hardlight form,
he is untouched by the flame but is left stunned when it clears>
RIMMER
What the hell was that??
LISTER
There's a note... "People who break into lockers deserve everything they
get, you cheap double-crossing slimeball".
Sounds like they know you.
[DISSOLVE: out of flashback]
[-- x - Int. Cargo hold --------------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN present]
LISTER
See what I mean? We had fun, it was great. We had *fun*.
KRYTEN
I'll put the rubber room on standby, sir...
[-- x - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[LISTER present]
[Enter RIMMER, still dressed in Ace's flightsuit]
<LISTER hears movement but doesn't turn around>
LISTER
About time, Cat, you're late. Now, where've you been?
RIMMER
Hello, Listy.
LISTER
Rimmer..? Smeggin' 'ell! What're you doin' 'ere?
RIMMER
I got fed up with adventuring... you know what it's like: you save a
couple of civilisations and it all gets a bit... samey.
I thought I'd come and find the old team.
LISTER
It's good to see you.
Are you real?
RIMMER
I'm as real as you can get, being a hologram.
LISTER
So... where've you been?
RIMMER
Argon 5. I fought in the Bellagosian War; I was decorated, and used as a
Christmas tree in the town square where people came and fed me cherry
liqueur chocolates for the whole winter.
Nahh, I'm only kidding.
LISTER
Kiddin'? What do you know about kidding?
RIMMER
I just thought it was time I livened up a bit!
<RIMMER unexpectedly toots a party blower>
RIMMER
Hey hey!
<RIMMER's sobriety returns>
RIMMER
So, er, how about you? How's it going?
LISTER
Ahh, y'know. Same old Starbug. Same old travelling through space.
RIMMER
I, erm, I hear you've got a new crewmember?
LISTER
Yeah, Kochanski.
RIMMER
What's she like?
LISTER
She's okay, y'know?
RIMMER
Is she... as good as me?
LISTER
Well, she's been here a few weeks and she hasn't quoted one Space Corps.
directive...
<They share a laugh>
RIMMER
She's pretty attractive though, isn't she?
LISTER
Is she? I hadn't really noticed. She's the type you don't really notice.
When you eat soup and spill some on your shirt and you don't notice it? Mm,
she's like that.
RIMMER
So, she's... not as attractive as me, then?
LISTER
Don't be daft... she couldn't hold a candle to you, man.
RIMMER
Nah, you're just saying that.
LISTER
I'm not.
I missed you, man.
RIMMER
And I've missed you too, Listy.
LISTER
Ohh, Arnold, man...
RIMMER
Dave...
<LISTER rushes out of his seat and the two of them embrace fiercely>
LISTER
Don't ever leave us again!
RIMMER
I won't!
LISTER
You promise?
RIMMER
Ohh, Listy...
LISTER
Ohh, Rimsy...
<Their faces inches apart, LISTER and RIMMER succumb to feelings beyond
either of their control - slowly, but surely, their lips join in a kiss>
[The instant their mouths lock, cut to...]
[-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters -------------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, lying in bed]
LISTER
Yaaaaarrrggh!!
<LISTER starts himself awake so violently he tumbles out of his bunk onto
the floor>
LISTER
Aaargh! Get off! Get off!!
<He rubs his tongue violently with the palm of his hand>
LISTER
Ohh, just a dream... thank god for that! It was just a dream...
[-- x - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
And another thing she does is, she keeps her pants in her sock drawer;
have you any idea how time consuming that can be to sort out?
CAT
You mean, you've seen her pants??
[-- x - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]
[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER present]
LISTER
You're right Kryten, I must be losin' it, or I'd never be dreaming stuff
like *that*. Kissin' Rimmer..? I'd rather go bobbing for apples in the
communal latrine at Reading festival!
KRYTEN
I'm sure this will help, sir, I'll just insert my hypno-therapy disk...
<KRYTEN pops open his abdominal disk and inserts what looks like a CD>
KRYTEN
Now, just relax...
<A piercing german voice blasts out - KRYTEN fumbles to stop the noise>
LISTER
What the hell???
KRYTEN
Sorry, sir! Wrong disk - that was my German language course; an extract
from Hitler's Nuremburg speech. Definitely hypnotic, but not in the right
way... I'll just go and find the proper one.
[Exit KRYTEN]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
LISTER
What are you doin' in here?
KOCHANSKI
Just looking for something to erase the memory of everything I've ever
experienced... Couple of gallons of medicinal alcohol should do it.
LISTER
Listen, for what it's worth - I'm sorry you missed getting back to your
Dave. 'The hologrammatic hunk'.
KOCHANSKI
That's okay; I'm sure there'll be another chance for you to cock it up
again.
LISTER
Suppose you must be missin' him?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah, I am a bit.
LISTER
I know what it's like to miss someone. The way they talk, the way they
laugh -
KOCHANSKI
Heh, I know.
LISTER
The way their nostils flare up like two railway tunnels leading into Snot
Street station.
KOCHANSKI
N-no, you've lost me there...
So you're missing Rimmer??
LISTER
Had a dream about him, but he was different. All smiles and jokes and...
stuff.
KOCHANSKI
I thought you guys didn't get on?
LISTER
We didn't, that's what's so weird! His tidyness drove me crazy, the way
he used to eat his food in alphabetical order; the way he only ever used
three pieces of toilet paper: one up, one down, and one to polish.
KOCHANSKI
Did he have *any* redeeming features?
LISTER
No. Oh yeah, sometimes he went out of the room.
KOCHANSKI
So, how come Rimmer came to be around, anyway?
LISTER
Well, Holly brought him back to keep me sane, but he drove me mad!
KOCHANSKI
So, now he's gone, maybe you feel guilty because you realise he was trying
to help you?
LISTER
If he was trying to help me, why didn't he... lighten up a bit? Be happy?
KOCHANSKI
Maybe he sacrificed his happiness to keep you sane? But when he appeared
in your dream he was different, a carefree, fun-loving Rimmer. A Rimmer who
didn't nag you into helping him catalogue his cheese collection.
LISTER
You're saying I had him all wrong?
KOCHANSKI
Wasn't your *fault*... you had to hate him, it was what kept you going.
LISTER
I didn't know...
<LISTER takes KOCHANSKI's offered handkerchief and blows his nose loudly>
LISTER
You know what I should do? I should throw everything away, and make a new
start.
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Ahh - sorry Miss Kochanski, ma'am, this *is* the medical bay, for *sick*
people only; surely you haven't broken out in a confusingly-filed pants
rash?
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, do you know how to extract a warm bottle of salad cream from a
mechanoid's rectal cavity?
KRYTEN
Not off hand, ma'am, but I could research it?
KOCHANSKI
I'd start right now if I were you...
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
KRYTEN
Okay, sir, now... just relax...
LISTER
It's all right, Kryten. I've talked things through with Kochanski, I'm
feeling a lot better.
KRYTEN
Well that really takes the biscuit, doesn't it. Turn my back for five
minutes and she waltzes in here and cures you!
LISTER
She was only trying to help...
KRYTEN
It's not the help I mind, sir, it's the fact that she succeeded!
<KRYTEN takes the handkerchief and blows his own nose every bit as loudly>
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT, KOCHANSKI present]
LISTER
Okay guys! I know declare games night officially open. Seeing as Kris is
with us, you can have the honour of choosing the first game - and as you're
a bit sensitive, we're not gonna have any games that involve dropping
trousers and lighting stuff.
CAT
Well that takes care of most of the repertoire!
Where's Kryten??
LISTER
I dunno, he should be here.
Okay Kris? Name your game...
KOCHANSKI
All right! I choose... 'The Magic Flute'!
LISTER
What's that? Sort of 'Musical Chairs'?
KOCHANSKI
No, it's an opera... 'Magic Flute'? Okay, we each hum a section of an
aria, and the others have to guess which character is singing.
CAT
That's a game?
LISTER
It's more like medieval torture...
KOCHANSKI
No, it's really good, 'cos, you can, like, throw each other off the
scent! Once, Dave - my Dave - he sang The Birdcatcher's Song in the
*German* translation, and it was *hilarious*! We all, like, totally fell
about!
LISTER
You fell about?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah!
LISTER
What, were you going through a meteor storm?
KOCHANSKI
So what games do you play, then? 'Match the Bodypart to the Crewmember'?
CAT
I always love that one!
KOCHANSKI
'Armpit Name That Tune'? 'Guess Whose Bottie is Sticking Through a Hole
in the Curtain'?
CAT
Shall I add that one to the slate, bud?
<LISTER nods approvingly>
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Games night is cancelled; if you'll all kindly follow me to the AR suite,
I have something - I think - might amuse...
[Exit ALL]
[-- x - Int. AR Suite ----------------------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
KRYTEN
I believe this is the answer to your dream, sir, and something slightly
more effective than Miss Kochanski's psychobabble...
[-- x - Int. AR sim ------------------------------------------------------]
[ALL present, seated two-abreast in a simulation of a roller-coaster car.
There is no discernable scenery, other than a large set of fairground-
styled double-doors just ahead of their car. Lightbulbs flash gaily over
the doors, upon which is stencilled "The Rimmer Experience"]
KRYTEN
It's a museum to Mr Rimmer's memory; I made it myself. If anyone finds
they are missing him, they can relive those great moments - it's all in
there: the man, the memories, the personality.
CAT
The ego...
KRYTEN
Yes - I had to scale that down quite a bit.
LISTER
How did you compile all the exhibits?
KRYTEN
Well, I re-created key events in his life from Mr Rimmer's diaries; he
kept meticulous records of life on board ship.
Enjoy!
<Their care starts moving with a cranking noise and they pass through the
doors>
[Viewpoint cuts to a point further down the featureless track]
<Their car jerks to a halt, and as it does so a large image of RIMMERS's
face fades into being to one side of them>
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
Welcome, to the Rimmer Experience. A place of wonder, excitement, and...
wonder.
You are about to witness some heroic events, which you may well find
impossible to attribute to any living person; but then, Arnold J. Rimmer was
a deeply remarkable man...
<Their car is jerked forward once more, and the narration continues>
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
Being the driving force behind the Red Dwarf mission, the fearless Rimmer
had to dice with death on a daily basis.
LISTER
What??
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
Sometimes it needed a strong mind and cool nerves to hold the crew
together:
<The car lurches to a halt, and a short 'play' unfolds in front of their
eyes>
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: KRYTEN
Asteroid belt up ahead, sir.
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
No it isn't Kryten, you thick, titanium plank; those are large, broken
fragments of a dying star which have compressed together under enormous
pressure, causing them to compress into large fragments.
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: KRYTEN
You're quite right, sir, as usual. How could I have made such an
elementary mistake? As usual.
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: CAT
It's at times like these that I get really scared!
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: LISTER
Me too! Save us! Somebody save us before I wet m' keks!
LISTER
That never happenned! I swear that never happenned!
<With a jolt, the car rattles further along the dark track>
LISTER
I feel sick!
KRYTEN
I'm sorry, sir, it *is* a bit bumpy.
LISTER
Nah, it's what I'm *seeing* that's making me sick!
<The car stops once more, throwing its passangers against their restraining
lap bars. Another 'playlet' takes shape>
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
So you see, Cat? If you wear the green paisley shirt with the cavalry-
twill trousers, you can be dignified *and* fashionable at the same time.
CAT
Let me at him! I'm gonna kill him! Cavalry-twill? What does he think I
am? A woodwork teacher?
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: CAT
Say, Rimmer's a really great guy, isn't he! I don't know what we'd do
without him!
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: LISTER
I owe my life to him!
LISTER
Get me out of here!
KRYTEN
Wait a minute; here comes the best bit...
<Lurching forward, their car takes them on a true roller-coaster ride; up,
down and around, while around them a truly bizzare set of imagery begins
to take shape, and, to a jolly tune, a distingushed voice begins to spill
forth the following lyrics>
RIMMER EXPERIENCE
If you're in trouble he will save the day,
He's brave and he's fearless come what may,
Without him the mission would go astray...
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
Without him life would be much grimmer,
He's handsome, trim, and no-one's slimmer,
He will never need a Zimmer.
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
More reliable than a garden strimmer,
He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner,
He's not bald and his head doesn't glimmer.
Master of the wit and the repartee,
His command of Space Directives is uncanny,
How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me...
Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
He's also a fantastic swimmer,
And if you play your cards right,
then he just might come 'round for dinner.
[-- x - Int. AR sim ------------------------------------------------------]
[The music and images fade, and we find ourselves at the other side of 'The
Rimmer Experience'. A second set of double-doors mark the exit, and these
crash open to disgorge the evil-minded roller-coaster car, which jerks to a
violent halt just outside the doors]
[ALL present]
LISTER
I never wanna see or hear from that scum-sucking, lying, weasel-minded
smegger in my entire life!
KRYTEN
Sigmund Freud: eat your heart out!
[----------------------------- END OF "BLUE" ------------------------------]
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor;
no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms
and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk". Thanks.]
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-32451677442428506562012-11-01T09:57:00.004-07:002012-11-01T10:01:34.792-07:00Season 7 Episode 4 - Duct Soup<pre> RED DWARF - SERIES 7
EPISODE 4 -- DUCT SOUP
Including "Xtended" footage
Version 2.0
9-13 February, 1997
Last updated: 30 November, 1997
Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
Credits for corrections:
Sea, Martin Guy, Annette McIntosh & the original script
1 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters
[LISTER present, lying in bed, covered in sweat]
<LISTER glances at the digital thermometer beside him>
LISTER
92 degrees... god!
<LISTER takes a glass from a shelf above him before realizing it is empty>
I want a drink but I can't be bothered to get up...
I wanna go to the loo but I can't be bothered to go down the corridor...
This is one of the universal dilemmas - something which has confronted
all men since the beginning of time... to pee or not to pee... that is the
question.
No, I'll just lie here, really thirsty, with a full bladder, and try and
get to sleep.
Smeggin 'ell!
<He gets up. Exit LISTER>
2 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters
[KOCHANSKI present, lying in bed, wild eyes staring at a set of pipes fixed to the
wall beside her, and a spanner held tightly in her fists]
KOCHANSKI
One more time, and you get *this*. D'you hear?? Don't think I don't mean
it! One more time, just - one more.
<The pipes suddenly issue forth such a hideous, unearthly screech it could almost be believed that some
kind of immense alien monster is dying within them. Like a striking cobra, KOCHANSKI smashes her
spanner into the offending ironwork, sending three loud 'clang's reverberating throughout the ship>
KOCHANSKI
What did I tell you? I told you! Didn't I tell you?? How many times have
I told you? Right, what was the last one?
<KOCHANSKI sits up and takes a notebook from a nearby shelf. She flicks through the pages and
consults the latest entries>
KOCHANSKI
'Nurieek'. So the next one will be a 'rotut', and the one after that will
be a 'hernunger'.
<She checks her watch>
Four seconds; three seconds; two seconds --
<Another unholy scream bursts out of the pipes; Kochanski answers with a stinging crack of the
spanner>
KOCHANSKI
Now 'hernunger'...
<A third death throe is howled out>
KOCHANSKI
No, that's wrong! You've gone out of sequence! 'Nurieek', 'rotut',
'hernunger' - what's wrong with you??
<KOCHANSKI lays into the pipes once more with her spanner. Another three 'clang's rattle Starbug>
KOCHANSKI
If you're gonna keep me up all night just do it right, okay?!?
<Unfazed, the pipe-monster howls out its defiance>
KOCHANSKI
'Sqweloookle'?? Where does 'sqweloookle' come from?? He's new!
[-- 3 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]
[LISTER present. He stands in a shower cubicle, shrouded by
steam which clears as he turns off the water and steps out.]
LISTER
Phew, that's better. Kill two birds with one shower.
<LISTER steps over to a fridge, opens it and takes out a freshly chilled
pillow. Clutching it to his chest, he smiles beatifically and heads back
to bed>
[-- 4 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI present. Sat now at the foot of her bed, she has
taken a pair of woolly socks and bunched each of the pair over
an ear, holding them in place with a hair band. Sliding back
into bed, she lies back down, and takes up her spanner for
comfort]
KOCHANSKI <calmly>
Okayyy... right, right.
I can't hear you. You can do whatever you like - I can't hear a damn
thing.
<Mockingly, the Beast Of The Pipes screeches out just how wrong she is.
In a hitherto unknown state of purest rage KOCHANSKI lays into the pipes,
clangs bouncing around Starbug until the camera cuts away...>
[-- 5 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, back in bed]
<Head on his chilled pillow, LISTER still can't get comfortable. He twists
and writhes for a moment before easing up and bashing the pillow with his
fist to plump it. Throwing his head down, he finds the pillow still not
right, and punches it a few more times. Still unhappy with the result and
by now quite frustrated, he pounds the pillow several more times as the
camera cuts away...>
[-- 6 - Int. Starbug mid-section ------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN present. He sits at the scanner table, darning clothes]
[Enter KOCHANSKI, socks still over her ears and wrapped in her bed's
blanket]
KRYTEN <quietly>
Oh my goodness. It's Princess Leia. Luke Skywalker went that way, ma'am.
<Seeing him speak, KOCHANSKI removes her makeshift ear-mufflers>
KOCHANSKI
What?
KRYTEN <brightly>
It's nearly 9am, ma'am, what are you doing up?
KOCHANSKI
Looking for someone to kill - care to volunteer?
KRYTEN
Oh, can't sleep?
KOCHANSKI
Have you ever listened to those clapped-out old pipes? 'Nurieek'ing and
'rotut'ing, and just when you expect them to 'nurieek' again, they
'sqweloookle'!
<Sounding closer and closer to hysteria as she crossed to the galley,
KOCHANSKI comes to a halt by the work-top and bashes her spanner a few
times against its inoffensive surface>
KOCHANSKI
It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy!!!
KRYTEN
It's quite amazing, the number of people those pipes have driven to the
very brink of psychosis. Mr Lister spent the night in there once, and he
ended up trying to suffocate himself to death with an onion sandwich.
<Perhaps reminded of food, KOCHANSKI bends and opens the fridge>
KOCHANSKI
Look at this. This is a boys fridge. Women would never have fridges like
this. Chilled trainers? It just wouldn't happen!
KRYTEN
What would you say to a glass of drinking chocolate?
[KOCHANSKI pads back into the mid-section]
KOCHANSKI
I'd say: "Glass of drinking chocolate, get me out of here!"
[KOCHANSKI flops into a chair by the scanner table]
I can't live like this, I need a bath. I hate showers, I've always hated
showers. Ask anyone who knows me what I hate, and do you know what they'll
say??
KRYTEN
Erm, you hate showers?
KOCHANSKI
You see! Even you know and you hardly know me!
I need a bath. I need sleep; I need *clothes*; I need... cottage cheese
with pineapple chunks in.
KRYTEN
Well, the next Space Corps. ship we come across ma'am, I'm sure we'll find
some supplies.
[KOCHANSKI's face begins to crumple with despair]
KOCHANSKI
I mean, I knew when I joined the Corps. that it'd be tough in Deep
Space... I accepted shopping was unlikely. But then I lost my crew, my
ship, and I ended up here with a fridge full of trainers, two sets of
clothes, and pipes that 'sqweloookle' when they should 'nurieek'!
<Sobbing now, KOCHANSKI pauses to take a shuddering gulp of air>
KOCHANSKI
I mean, I've tried, I really have tried to fit in! I even tried learning
what 'off-side' was.
KRYTEN
Ma'am, please... I've never had to comfort a crying woman before. Er, I'm
not familiar with the technique, er, hang on - just processing.
<KRYTEN straightens up and muted beeps issue from somewhere about his
person>
KRYTEN
Oh, oh, I see! Oh, well, don't worry, ma'am - I know the drill now.
<KRYTEN pulls KOCHANSKI to her feet and spins her to face away from him,
wraps his arms about her waiste and unceremoniously delivers a sharp
squeeze>
KOCHANSKI
*gag*
What are you doing!? Get off me!
KRYTEN
The Heimlich Manoeuvre, ma'am, I believe it helps women stop crying.
<KRYTEN gives another squeeze>
KOCHANSKI
The Heimlich Manoeuvre stops people *choking*, you idiot!
KRYTEN
No, I think you're wrong, ma'am.
<KOCHANSKI shakes herself free of KRYTEN's grip>
KOCHANSKI <coughing>
I'm not wrong! You've just got a corrupted file in your database!
KRYTEN
Well, then... why have you stopped crying?
KOCHANSKI
Well, because it's really hard to cry when someone's doing the Heimlich
Manoeuvre on you. It really puts you off!
KRYTEN
But, you're not crying, though.
KOCHANSKI
Well, no.
KRYTEN
So, it worked?
KOCHANSKI
Nooo! It didn't work! It just - oh shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
<Flopping back into her seat, KOCHANSKI lets her head fall onto the table
and lets out a despairing sigh>
KOCHANSKI
Where did it all go wrong..? My life started off so promisingly. Rich
parents; good school; pony named Trumper. How did I end up like this? On
a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry
room and watching my knickers spin dry...
KRYTEN <indignantly>
Oh ma'am! That is *not* true! No one has ever done that!
KOCHANSKI
That's only because they don't know when you wash them! Couple of posters
and a trailer before 'The World's Stupidest Stuntmen' video and, take it
from me, that laundry room will be packed!
KRYTEN
I think you're doing Mr Lister and the Cat a great disservice, ma'am. A
great, great disservice!
[-- 7 - Int. Starbug laundry room -----------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT present. Both are sat staring vacantly at the spinning washing
machines]
CAT
Wow - this is the best load yet!
LISTER
Just for the record I'd like to repeat that I'm only here because I can't
sleep. So I decided to do some of my laundry and help out Kryten.
CAT
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
LISTER
I'm not here because I'm a sad and lonely person who's entertained by
women's underwear spin drying.
CAT
My god, a g-string!
LISTER
Where?
CAT
You missed it... I swear! It was black and really, really small.
LISTER
I'm too mature for this. I'm just gonna sit here and read my comic.
CAT
Oh buddy, this is a great show tonight. I may even write a fan letter to
the washing machine company.
LISTER
Sometimes I'm really ashamed to be with you. You're completely out of
order, do you know that?
CAT
Since when did you get so mature?
LISTER
Mature? I've been mature for ages, me.
CAT
Oh yeah?
LISTER
Yeah.
CAT
You're just pretending to be mature, because that's your plan to get
officer Bud-Babe to fall for you! Everybody knows that!
LISTER
Go and stick an egg up your nose.
CAT
It's true.
LISTER
Isn't true.
CAT
It is.
LISTER
It isn't!
CAT
Is!
LISTER
Isn't!
CAT
Is!
LISTER
Isn't!
CAT
Is!
LISTER
Isn't!
CAT LISTER
Is! Isn't!
Is! Isn't!
Is! Isn't!
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Sirs, sirs, sirs! What are you arguing about?
LISTER
About me being really mature.
KRYTEN
i've been looking all over for you, sir. Why aren't you in bed?
LISTER
The heating system's gone bonkers. Why, what's up?
KRYTEN
Oh, it appears life on board ship is getting Miss Kochanski down, sir.
She's in the mid-ships now, throwing knives into the wall and shouting
abuse at the fridge for not having any low-fat yogurts.
LISTER
What's the problem?
<KRYTEN turns to a washing machine, stops the programme and begins unloading
its contents>
KRYTEN
It's not helped by the fact that her sleeping quarters are next to the
sewage processor. You know how noisy those pipes are, sir.
LISTER
We'll re-lag them first thing in the mornin'.
KRYTEN
Oh it's not just she can't sleep, sir, it's everything. Not being able to
have a bath, no cottage cheese, no --
<KRYTEN's voice cuts off abruptly as he pulls Kochanski's red PVC uniform
from the washing machine. From collar to trouser tip, it now measures
roughly ten inches>
KRYTEN <aghast>
The thermostat!
<As KRYTEN fumbles with the machine's control panel and surveys the damage
to Kochanski's outfit, CAT and LISTER both ease into a standing position
and stealthily creep away>
[Exit LISTER, CAT]
KRYTEN
I swear I set the correct programme!
Oh! Who on earth is going to tell her!? I mean, who --
<Turning back, KRYTEN suddenly finds himself alone, and very, very guilty>
[-- 8 - Int. Starbug Mid-section ------------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI present. She is seated at the scanner table, hunched over a can
of sliced peaches. Her hair is in disarray, and their is something of a
disturbing calm about her; she chews her peaches very slowly without
looking at what she's doing]
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
Hi.
<Not turning, KOCHANSKI utters a vague sound from behind a peach slice>
LISTER
How're you settling in?
KOCHANSKI <slowly, and with great care>
Great. Having a ball.
LISTER
We'll get you some more clothes...
KOCHANSKI
Don't worry - I can wander around in a sheet for the next fifty years,
I'll be fine.
LISTER
And we'll fix those pipes.
KOCHANSKI <eyelids twitching>
If you could just make them go 'nurieek' every time without any
'sqweloookles', I'd be so grateful.
LISTER
We'll stop them completely.
KOCHANSKI
I'm not used to this; not having stuff. When I was fifteen my brother,
Moose, used to kidnap my lipstick and hold it to ransom. He knew that if I
didn't look good I wouldn't go out. If i don't look good, I don't feel
good.
LISTER
How do you feel now?
<KOCHANSKI tries to force a hand through her matted hair and lets out a
little whimper>
LISTER
Don't answer that.
KOCHANSKI
I know I've been spoilt! Brought up in the trendiest part of Glasgow -
LISTER
Yeah, the Gorbals, you said.
KOCHANSKI
Eleven years in Cyberschool; perfect computer-generated setting, with
perfect CG teachers and perfect CG friends. Now I can't even have a bath...
LISTER
Come on. Come with me. I've got something to show you.
[-- 9 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters ------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI present. Back in his own quarters, LISTER leads the
listless KOCHANSKI to a large, seemingly foam-filled unit that takes up
much of the floor space in front of his bunk]
LISTER
You take my quarters tonight, and I'll have yours.
<He indicates the strange unit>
LISTER
I've cleaned out an old retro housing and filled it with water.
KOCHANSKI
I don't know what to say...
LISTER
And I, erm... found this on that derelict...
<LISTER takes a box from atop his bed and hands it to KOCHANSKI>
LISTER
I was savin' it for your birthday.
There's some make-up in there, too.
<KOCHANSKI opens the present and takes out a shimmering red dress at which
she gazes wondrously>
[Enter KRYTEN, still carrying KOCHANSKI's wretched ex-suit]
KRYTEN
I can't find her anywhere, sir, I've been searching high and low!
<Suddenly spotting KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN whips the wreck behind his back>
KRYTEN
Oh! Ma'am. Ha-ha. Didn't spot you, there.
LISTER
Krissie's sleeping in my quarters tonight, Kryten.
KRYTEN
[beat]
In, your quarters, sir?
LISTER
Yeah, she's gonna have a nice, hot bath.
KRYTEN
In here? Without clothes on?
LISTER
Well, convention dictates probably, yeah.
[SHOT: KRYTEN's worried face]
[ZOOM to KRYTEN's face then right eye]
[Iris TRANSITION to: ]
[-- 10 - Int. Starbug Cargo deck ------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present. Conjured up by his own paranoia, KRYTEN
sees himself talking to his long-time and now besuited friend LISTER, whose
arm is linked with KOCHANSKI. She wears the red dress just given to her by
LISTER, and both seem to be smiling just a little too much]
LISTER
Kryten, me and Kris have been having a talk, and we think it'd be better
all 'round if you leave.
KRYTEN
Er, sir?
LISTER
As you probably know, we're planning on settling down together, it started
that night she had a bath in my quarters, you remember?
KOCHANSKI
We got you this leaving present...
KRYTEN
A key-ring -
LISTER
With a 'C' on it.
KOCHANSKI
For 'Kryten'!
KRYTEN
But, you spell 'Kryten' with a 'K'...
KOCHANSKI
Ohh, don't make a fuss.
Now, I've packed all your heads; they're in the bag.
<LISTER and KOCHANSKI user KRYTEN out>
[-- 11 - Int. Starbug Cargo deck airlock-----------------------------------]
[Enter KRYTEN, followed by the happy couple. KRYTEN stamps morosely towards
camera]
LISTER
You know what it's like, man, it's the fourth Law of the universe: you
settle down with a woman, and the first thing they do is systematically set
about getting rid of all your mates. The Cat's next.
KOCHANSKI
I've been packing his bag for over three weeks!
LISTER
See, we wanna be a proper couple, have lots of dinner parties, and I think
I've reached the age now where I really should be wearing clogs.
KOCHANSKI
And you see we're all a bit embarrassed of you because you've got a funny
shaped head.
LISTER
You're not human, are you, you're a robot.
KOCHANSKI
Yeah!
LISTER/KOCHANSI <grinning together>
Eeeugh!
LISTER <pointing>
Oh hi! You're early, come in!
[Enter two Kinitawowi GELFs]
KOCHANSKI
Great to see you!
<LISTER and KOCHANSKI exchange two yuppie 'non-kisses' with the GELFs, and
all four sidle out. KRYTEN is left staring after them, not even worth the
time to be shown to the airlock>
[DISSOLVE to...]
[-- 12 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters -----------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
[SHOT: KRYTEN's startled face]
KRYTEN [undirected]
I've just seen the future!
<Abruptly, KRYTEN pulls KOCHANSKI's shrunken uniform from behind his back
and holds it up as evidence>
KRYTEN
I'm afraid Mr Lister shrunk your uniform, ma'am. You only have one left,
now.
<LISTER snatches the uniform and throws it onto the bed>
KOCHANSKI
Did he? Never mind.
KRYTEN
Aren't you mad?
KOCHANSKI
I'm too tired to be mad... I just want to have my bath, and get some
sleep.
KRYTEN <offended>
Right. I'll be going then. *Going*. After all these years, I'll be
*going*.
LISTER
Are you all right, Kryts?
KRYTEN
Never been better, thank you, sir. A key-ring with a 'C' on it!
Unbelievable! Thank you with a capital 'R'!
[Exit KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
What's eating him?
LISTER
I dunno - I'll find out later.
KOCHANSKI
Thanks for this, I *really* appreciate it.
LISTER
Heyy, no bother.
KOCHANSKI
See you in the morning.
LISTER
That's right.
Well, I'll be going then?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah. 'Night.
LISTER
Right, I'll... I'll go...
KOCHANSKI
Yeah.
LISTER
Yeah.
KOCHANSKI
See you tomorrow.
LISTER
Tomorrow! Right. If you need anyone to, um, scrub your back or anything,
don't hesitate to call, I can be here in twenty seconds.
KOCHANSKI
I won't.
LISTER
Right then.
KOCHANSKI
'Night.
LISTER
'Night. Goodnight.
<LISTER turns and at last passes through the hatchway. No sooner is he out
of sight than a muted explosion suddenly shakes the transport vessel and
the cabin lights extinguish>
[Enter LISTER]
KOCHANSKI
What was that??
LISTER
Hang on a minute, I've got a torch somewhere...
<Lighting his torch, LISTER and KOCHANSKI head out into the corridor>
[-- 13 - Int. Starbug; Corridor outside LISTER's Quarters -----------------]
[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]
CAT
What the hell's happenin'?
KRYTEN
The generator's down, sir. I was just adjusting the thermo-settings and
it overloaded. Give it a few seconds and the emergency backup will kick in.
[As if on cue, a whirring sound emanates from somewhere, and the lights come
back up]
KRYTEN
Ah, thank goodness.
<The Dwarfers trail back into LISTER's quarters>
[-- 14 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters -----------------------------------]
[Enter ALL]
KRYTEN
I'll look into it immediately, sir!
<Before they can move a screeching noise fills the air. For the second time
in as many minutes the interior lights all die>
LISTER
There goes the backup! Now everythin's dead.
CAT
How come the doors closed?
LISTER
When the backup goes down the doors always lock; prevent fire, re-inforce
hull integrity.
CAT
So what's steering this crate? Is autopilot down too?
KRYTEN
Everything's down. Oh, I wish I'd been more careful!
CAT
You mean this ship's careening out of control through space with
absolutely zero expertise at the helm?
KOCHANSKI
No change there, then.
LISTER
We've got to re-fire the backup generator.
KRYTEN
The only way to get to the backup is through the service ducts.
CAT
The what?
KRYTEN
Two miles of ventways that wind their way through the ship like
intestines. There should be a hatchway in your shower, sir.
LISTER
How long's that gonna take?
KRYTEN
Oh, six hours, maybe more?
LISTER
Six hours??
KRYTEN
Are you okay, sir?
LISTER
Fine, yeah. <cough> Yep, yep. Yep.
KOCHANSKI
The reading said last night that there was gonna be a meteor storm coming
in directly ahead, but it won't hit us for at least twelve hours.
KRYTEN
We should gather up some supplies. A little food, as much water as we
can carry, and maybe even that magnetic fishing game.
[-- 15 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters -----------------------------------]
[Time has passed. A sheet has been hastily draped across the bunk recess
to allow KOCHANSKI space to get dressed. She pulls away the sheet and is
shown wearing her new dress, over which is a pair of thick canvas work
pants]
KOCHANSKI
Okay, let's go.
<The Dwarfer's cross to the shower cubicle and begin to hoist themselves up
into the ducts>
[-- 16 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]
[Starbug's internal ducts take the shape of cramped, dusty, rectangular
corridors; about five feet wide by four high. Passage through the ducts is
possible only by crawling]
<ALL enter>
CAT
It's so damn hot I can barely breathe! It's like being stuck in a sauna
with a fat man on your face!
LISTER
I don't feel so good... the walls are closing in!
KRYTEN
Are you okay, sir?
LISTER
I need to take a break - I need air!
KOCHANSKI
He's claustrophobic, didn't you guys know?
LISTER
I'm all right when I know I can get out, but now we're out in the middle
somewhere... Can't breathe...
KRYTEN
Have a drink, sir.
KOCHANSKI
Okay, take a look around - see if we can unscrew one of the ceiling
hatches; drop back down into the ship somewhere.
KRYTEN
Let's go.
[Exit KRYTEN, CAT]
LISTER
M' throat's closin'... chokin'...
KOCHANSKI
Here, drink some of this. You just need something to take your mind off
it.
<KOCHANSKI pauses as they both lean side-by-side against the duct wall>
KOCHANSKI
I wonder why Dave - my Dave - wasn't claustrophobic?
LISTER
Oh thanks, Kris, that's really helpin'. Now is not a good time to tell
me how great your boyfriend is, okay?
KOCHANSKI
He wasn't my boyfriend. Not really.
LISTER
What?
KOCHANSKI
No, we were just good friends.
LISTER
No, but you said --
KOCHANSKI
I just didn't want to look like some sad loser when we first met, so I
asked him to play along.
LISTER
You weren't going out with him?
KOCHANSKI
He wasn't my type.
LISTER
But, he was well-dressed, neat, sophisticated, sensitive; you're so damn
picky! Why wasn't he your type?
KOCHANSKI
He was gay.
LISTER
You see? Picky. Everythin's got has to be absolutely perfect before
you're int --
What did you say??
KOCHANSKI
He was gay.
LISTER
Gay?
KOCHANSKI
Yes.
LISTER
Are you sayin' I'm -- I'm gay in an alternative dimension?
KOCHANSKI
Yes.
LISTER
Me?
KOCHANSKI
That's why we only dated for a couple of weeks; it was sort of his final
attempt at trying to work things out.
LISTER
Wait a minute... you don't think... now *hang on*, I'm completely
straight, okay? I couldn't possibly be gay. I can't grow a big moustache
for starters - ask anyone, it just grows in little clumps...
KOCHANSKI
Dave, shut up...
LISTER
I'm just sayin' --
KOCHANSKI
I really miss him. He was great.
<LISTER makes a disparaging noise>
KOCHANSKI
Sometimes we used to go to bed together, and he'd just hold me. Made me
feel everything was okay.
LISTER
Mmm? Well, actually... No! What am I thinking of?? I am *not* gay!
KOCHANSKI
There's no need to make such a big deal about it!
LISTER
But I am not!
KOCHANSKI
Back on Red Dwarf before the accident I had *loads* of gay friends.
LISTER
Yeah, so did I.
KOCHANSKI
Yeah?
LISTER
Yeah!
KOCHANSKI
Real friends, that you were really close to?
LISTER
Yeah!
KOCHANSKI
Name one.
LISTER
Okay, what about... Bent Bob?
KOCHANSKI
'Bent Bob'..??
LISTER
Yeah, little guy, bad toupee, used to work in catering.
KOCHANSKI
That's what you used to call him, is it? "Hey Bent Bob! How's it going,
mate?"
LISTER
It was his nickname! It was affectionate. I mean, obviously we only used
it behind his back. Used to b one of the poker school; nice bloke.
KOCHANSKI
And he was one of your really good friends, was he?
LISTER
All right, I admit I haven't had many gay friends.
KOCHANSKI
Yes you have - you just haven't known they were.
LISTER
Like who?
KOCHANSKI
Well, I can only speak for my reality, but on our ship... Toddhunter.
LISTER
Toddhunter?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah.
LISTER
But he was married.
KOCHANSKI
So?
LISTER
He had kids!
KOCHANSKI <laughing>
So?
LISTER
He used to fool around, slept with women!
KOCHANSKI
That doesn't mean anything -
LISTER
Yes it does!
[beat]
Hand on a minute; this is garbage, isn't it? You just made it all up to
take my mind off being stuck in 'ere!
You're not really a sad loser after all, are you?
[beat]
God, I found that really attractive, as well.
Made me feel all kind of superior and macho. Not that I don't *usually*
feel macho, because I do.
KOCHANSKI
Here, have another drink - heteroboy.
LISTER
So, your Dave... he isn't, is he?
<KOCHANSKI says nothing, but wrinkles her face and gives her head a little
shake>
LISTER
Ahhhh, smeg!
[Enter CAT, KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
We've found a grill about twenty meters down on the right, which drops
down into a supply room. We can't get through to unscrew the fastening
bolts but, ma'am, with smaller hands you might enjoy better luck.
KOCHANSKI
Will you be okay?
CAT
Leave him to me.
LISTER
I'll be okay.
[Exit KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]
<CAT turns himself around in the cramped space and sits beside LISTER. He
glances around for a moment, obviously bored, while LISTER practices
breathing exercises to keep calm. CAT takes a swig from the canteen>
CAT
Boy, is it cramped! Whew-ee! I tell you, if I was dead you most
certainly could not swing me around in here!
LISTER
Cat...
CAT
Talk about cooped up!
LISTER
Cat!
CAT
Oh, sorry... not supposed to talk about that, right?
LISTER
Right.
<CAT is silent for a few moments, aware he should be diverting LISTER's
attention but at a loss for something to say>
CAT
So how do you get to be claustrophobic? Are you born that way, or is it
because you're kind of sissy?
<LISTER rolls his eyes in incredulity and tries to put a stop to the
discussion>
LISTER
Sissy.
CAT
Yeah??
LISTER
Yeah. Now can we just change the subject, please?
<CAT takes another drink, and a further thought occurs>
CAT
So how comes you didn't get it when we was in that tunnel when all the
walls were --
<LISTER cuts him off with a strangled cry>
LISTER
I don't always get it, okay! Just sometimes! When I know that I can't
get out. Maybe it's something to do with blood sugar.
CAT
But how come you get it at all, though?
LISTER
<sigh> I was seventeen, working in the MegaMart, part time, as a trolley-
parker. After a couple of months I fell in love with cashier number four...
She was 22; come-to-behind-the-bacon-counter eyes... And there was just
something about the way she held her pricing gun that made me crash m'
trolleys. <sigh>
We started seeing each other, in the stock room, at break time --
CAT
She gave you claustrophobia?? I didn't think you could get it like
that...
LISTER
No...
She was married to this bald bloke who used to serve the fish; ten years
older than me. He was more interested in this amateur dramatics group he
used to run than her. One evening, we were both on the late shift; we snuck
into the stock room; started makin' love on a box of tinned asparagus.
After a couple of minutes - about half way through, I was seventeen - she
leapt up and said: "There's someone at the door!", so I jumped into this
wooden packing crate; it was 'im!
He asked what the *hell* she was doing lying on a box of reduced, tinned,
dented veg with no kit on. She said she was trying to get an all-over tan
from the lightbulb. He was havin' none of that.
He sealed me up in the box and said he was gonna drop me in the canal -
he drove me out there! I was *screamin'* at him, *pleadin'*: "let me out!";
promised him anything, said I'd never see her again, "just let me out!"
In the end, he relented, and I heard the box being opened. I stepped out,
bollock naked, right in the middle of the Bootle-players' amateur production
of "The Importance Of Being Earnest"...
CAT
Boy, that's enough to freak anyone out!
[-- 17 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present, down-corridor and well out of earshot of these
revelations, working at the access grill]
KRYTEN
I had no idea Mr Lister was claustrophobic; why did he never mention it?
KOCHANSKI
Well, it's probably not something he feels comfortable talking about.
KRYTEN
He's told me about everything else about his life...
KOCHANSKI
Not everything, Kryten.
KRYTEN <indignantly>
Absolutely, ma'am!
KOCHANSKI
[beat]
Everything?
KRYTEN
Mmm. Before you arrived, nights were long and dull. 'Cheese slice snap'
can only entertain for so long.
KOCHANSKI
So... what did he tell you about me?
KRYTEN
Oh, absolutely everything, ma'am. I don't think he missed a single
detail.
KOCHANSKI
You mean, he told you - about the rusty gate?
KRYTEN
Oh! The rusty gate; that was one of the first things he told us. We all
had a good laugh about that!
<KOCHANSKI's eyes widen>
KOCHANSKI
He told you that?? He told you that I make a sound like a rusty gate when
I'm making love?? He told you that??
KRYTEN
No, he - told us his, grandma once had a, rusty gate, and he, um, helped
fix it.
KOCHANSKI
And that gave you a big laugh?
KRYTEN
Well, like I say ma'am, nights were long and dull, a-ha ha. We were glad
of the anecdote.
KOCHANSKI <hideously embarrassed>
S-so, he didn't... just shut up, okay. I never said that.
KRYTEN
Allow me a second, ma'am. Just cross-filing that story under 'B' for
blackmail, and 'A', for anecdote; sub-category 'S' for 'so funny you'll
laugh till you're sick!'.
KOCHANSKI
Look, wig-stand head; me and Dave, it's all in the past.
KRYTEN
In which case, ma'am, why does he keep looking at you in the same way that
a starving man would look at a packed of roasted peanuts?
KOCHANSKI
Well, it's because --
KRYTEN
It's because, ma'am, he can't wait to get the wrapper off and taste the
salty goodness!
KOCHANSKI
[beat]
That's his problem; I'm accounted for.
KRYTEN
What about the way you look at him?
KOCHANSKI <indignant>
What way?
KRYTEN
I've seen the way!
KOCHANSKI
*What way*?
KRYTEN
Like he's a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in!
KOCHANSKI <aghast>
How could you say that..? I have *never* looked at him like he's a pot of
cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in! Maybe, once or twice, plain
cottage cheese, but never, *ever*, with pineapple chunks in! Never. Never!
[beat]
Have I??
[-- 18 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT present]
<CAT suddenly cocks his head as if listening intently>
CAT
What's that?
LISTER
What's what?
CAT
Can't you hear it yet? Like a... roaring noise...
LISTER
A roaring noise?
CAT
Like a... watery kind of roaring noise...
LISTER
I can't hear a thing.
CAT
It's like water roaring down, say... a passageway. In a kind of roaring,
watery kind of way. I wonder what the hell it is!
<LISTER suddenly looks along the ductway that KRYTEN and KOCHENSKI took>
CAT
Hey, where're you goin'?
LISTER
Kris! Kryten! Re-cyc water!
<LISTER turns back to CAT>
LISTER
Every four hours the ductways get backwashed!
CAT
You know what? I think I just solved the watery roaring noise problem.
LISTER
Come on!
<LISTER scrabbles off down the ductway, as CAT begins putting their things
back into his bag>
CAT
I ain't goin' wit' you!
LISTER
Why not??
CAT
That's where the water's coming from.
LISTER
Shit!
<LISTER about-face's and scrambles past CAT>
[Exit LISTER]
CAT
You can be really dumb sometimes, you know that?
<CAT shoulders the bag>
[Exit CAT]
[-- 19 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]
<If LISTER hears CAT's comment he gives no indication, perhaps
understandable given that he's already put an admirable distance in the
opposite direction between himself and CAT.
There is no escaping the inevitable, however, and within seconds, thousands
of gallons of re-cycled water roars and foams its way down the ductways.
LISTER ducks into a side passage, then realising he's alone, darts back
out, grabs the wayward CAT and drags him into the passage with him, just as
the thundering torrent rages by>
LISTER <voice almost lost in the noise>
I hate this, I really hate this!
[-- 20 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]
[CAT, LISTER present. The bedraggled and thoroughly smegged-off duo crawl
though a different section of ducts]
<Cat pauses, listening>
CAT
What's that?
LISTER
What's what?
CAT
That noise...
LISTER
Oh, not again! What noise? Is it a roaring, watery kind of noise?
CAT
No, not *that* noise. This is a different kind of noise.
LISTER <scowling>
Is it a kind of 'Cat being smacked on the head by a smegged-off Lister's
fist' kind of noise..?
CAT
It's a sort of... swirly... windy... ah... water-drying, *hurricaney* kind
of noise!
LISTER
A swirly, windy, water-drying, hurricaney kinda noise??
[beat]
The dryer! The vents get dried after a backwash!
CAT
Here it comes...
<The roar of the dryers build until the duct is filled with gusting,
shrieking wind. LISTER and CAT cast around desperately for a handhold,
both grasping an overhead grating and are then lifted off their feet,
hanging precariously in what has now become a wind-tunnel.>
[-- 21 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]
<CAT loses his grip and tumbles down along the duct, LISTER lasting only a
moment longer before he too is whipped away to roll after CAT. Both of
them tumble a short distance before piling up against the wall of a
junction in the ducts>
[-- 22 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT present, both tangled up in a heap by the duct wall]
LISTER <disentangling himself>
I am *not* *having* *a* *good* *day*!!
[-- 23 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]
[ALL present, the Dwarfers have managed to find themselves and are enjoying
the temporary moment of calm. All except LISTER perhaps, who is finding
that the lack of activity has brought back his claustrophobia. KRYTEN
fusses beside him, holding a hypo-gun]
KRYTEN
This should help, sir; take away the rising panic.
LISTER
What is it?
KRYTEN
There was a first aid box in the supply store. Lemolacalcathryte. *
[*pr. "Lemo-plathenamine-cathorolite"!]
<KRYTEN applies the hypo-gun to LISTER's neck and empties a round into a
vein>
KRYTEN <to KOCHANSKI>
Well done, ma'am.
[-- 24 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]
[ALL present. After trekking for some time through the endless series of
service ducts, the quartet take a break in a larger section of corridor.]
KRYTEN
Well, everything considered, we made good time.
CAT
What if we're down here for days and end up having to eat each other like
those dudes from that plane crash?
KRYTEN
Those were exceptional circumstances sir. Their only other choice was
airline food. It won't happen to us.
KOCHANSKI
Good, because there's no way I could ever eat a person.
KRYTEN
No way I could ever cook one either. Not without my slow cooker.
CAT
What about drinking your own urine?
KRYTEN
Well that's absolutely out of the question; you should *never* serve urine
with white meat!
LISTER
I hate the dark. It reminds me of being back in the orphanage school. The
dorm was always pitch black. The tight sods didn't allow so much as night
lights, just to save electricity.
I remember one night, the lights went out, and as usual "Squeaky" Gibson's
bed started up - 'squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak'. We all picked up our
shoes and threw them at him: "Shut up, Gibson! We're tryin' to sleep!"
Anyway, we all settled back down, and after a while, his bedsprings
started up again - 'squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak'. More shoes,
football boots, trainers, everythin'! But there was no stoppin' him! Just
got faster and faster... 'Squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-
squeak-squeak'!
So I got up, snapped on the light, and there, under a mountain of shoes,
was poor ol' Squeaky havin' an epileptic fit! I managed to wedge one of my
trainers into his mouth. Probably saved his life.
KOCHANSKI
Cyberschool was so different. We'd arriveon the first day of term, put on
our total immersion suits and get connected to the mainframe - and,
suddenly, there we'd be, in a perfect replica of a girls' boarding school.
We had Miss Brody for English, Mr Chips for maths, for history they
brought in Disreali and Ghengiz Khan, for literature they let us talk to
Shakespeare and Dickens...
CAT
Can't wait to hear what they did in sex education class...
KOCHANSKI
At eighteen when I finally got out, I kind of went off the rails...
KRYTEN
How 'off the rails'?
KOCHANSI
There are the rails. There's me.
KRYTEN
That's *way* off the rails.
LISTER
So... what did you do?
KOCHANSKI
Oh, you name it.
LISTER
No, *you* name it. what did you do?
KOCHANSKI Well...
LISTER Yeah?
KOCHANSKI
<laugh> What, you want me to write you a list?
LISTER
Yeah.
KOCHANSKI
Okay, I, er... Well, I, I smoked cigarettes, sometimes. I wore skirts
that were quite short. I went to the library and was really noisy...
LISTER
Really.
KOCHANSKI
No. Not really. I was in the real life for the first time! No
protectors... I went *insane*...
LISTER
Really..?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah... I was a retro-punk...
ALL
Wow!
KRYTEN
They always say the hardest part about leaving Cyberspace is realising the
whole universe does not revolve around you.
CAT
Sure doesn't! It revolves around me.
KOCHANSKI
Absolutely.
CAT
I'm serious! Look at the evidence.
LISTER
What evidence?
CAT
Take food. Until I bite into it, it has no taste.
Even when I know what I'm gonna say, it never bores me!
LISTER
You and you alone...
CAT
And here's the clincher: all of the interesting things that ever happenned
to me, happenned when I was in the room! Coincidence? Get outta here..!
[-- 25 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]
[ALL present. The quartet crawl back-breakingly though yet more featureless
service ducts]
KOCHANSKI
According to my reckoning we should be halfway across B-deck by now.
CAT
Boy, is this place hot! Satan could come here on his winter break!
LISTER
Hang on, how come it's getting hotter when the generators have packed in?
It should be gettin' colder, shouldn't it?
KRYTEN
Ma'am - that meteor storm you said we were heading towards, which
direction was it in?
KOCHANSKI
Dead ahead.
KRYTEN <panicking>
Oh! Anything else in the vacinity?
KOCHANSKI
To the west there is a sun, but that's about it.
KRYTEN
I think we've been knocked off course! Probably due to the initial
impact of the generators going down - I think we're heading straight into
that sun! And it's all my fault!
LISTER
Kryten, man, it's not your fault...
KRYTEN
It is!
LISTER
It isn't! You were just adjusting the thermosettings and it overloaded.
KRYTEN
I did it on purpose... I typed in the override code, on the access panel
in the corridor.
LISTER
*What*??
KRYTEN
I don't know what to say, I didn't realise it would be so dangerous!!
LISTER
Kryten, man, what made you do it??
KRYTEN
I really can't remember...
CAT
What do you mean, you 'can't remember'?
KRYTEN
I'd really, rather not say it out loud... might sound a bit silly...
KOCHANSKI
Say it...
KRYTEN
I didn't want you to have a bath, ma'am.
Well, I knew it would be one of those 'no clothes' baths, and Mr Lister
would scrub your back, and before we know what's going on, he's wearing
clogs and you're having GELFs around to dinner.
And what would happen to me?? I'd have been on my own again!
KOCHANSKI
Oh, *Kryten*!
KRYTEN
I - was - just - so - *scared*!
LISTER
Come on - we've got no time to waste, let's get the hell out of here!
KRYTEN
But we're not going to make it, sir!
<LISTER has started tugging at one of the metal plates walling the ductway>
LISTER <sliding off the panel>
Yes we are!
KOCHANSKI
How?
LISTER
We're gonna catch some surf!
[-- 26 - Int. Starbug ductway ---------------------------------------------]
[ALL present. The Dwarfers are sat, two-abreast, upon the salvaged metal
plate]
LISTER
Okay, here it comes...
CAT
Tell me again, how do you 'hang ten'?
LISTER
Just get into position!
Here it --
<A roaring tide of water bursts out of the duct behind them and sends their
makeshift surfboard careering down the metal duct>
ALL
AAAARRRRGGHH!
The Dwarfers, caught in the path of this liquid avalanche, are swept out of
control through the bowels of Starbug, crashing at last against a large
grating designed to seal off large matter from the water storage tanks.
Pressed up against the grating, the Dwarfers can do nothing but let the
last of the water blast past them>
[-- 27 - Int. Supply room -------------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, all sopping wet]
LISTER
Oh! Thank god we made it!
<LISTER takes in his surroundings and realises they are not where they are
supposed to be>
LISTER
Oh God!!
<As KRYTEN begins studying their map, a clatter issues from the wardrobe
unit a little way into the room and everyone snaps their eyes to it. The
door slides open and, somehow, Cat stumbles out. He glances around,
puzzled, but there are more important things to worry about. Everyone
looks at KRYTEN and the map>
KOCHANSKI
How? *How*??
KRYTEN
I - er - I - ah - er...
<KRYTEN, examining the map, rotates it 180 degrees>
KRYTEN
Oh.
KOCHANSKI
Oh, that's it. We're fried. Unless someone's got some really *terrific*
sunblock cream.
KRYTEN
Not necessarily, ma'am. I excluded the doors from the shutdown override.
[KRYTEN walks over to the door on the other side of the small room]
KRYTEN
In case...
<KRYTEN presses on the control panel and the doors whir open>
KRYTEN <whining>
Anything happened...
CAT
You mean we spent the night crawling through one end of this ship to God
knows where and back for absolutely no reason??
LISTER
It was all pointless? You put me through that *nightmare* when we could
just walk out that door at any moment??
KRYTEN <in tears>
Mm.
LISTER
Well, if you'll excuse us, we've got some serious reversing to do - but
we'll talk about this, over a cup of coffee, and a hot branding iron...
[Exit LISTER, CAT]
KOCHANSKI [brightly]
Well, 'night.
KRYTEN
Aren't you mad too, ma'am?
<KOCHANSKI shakes her head and smiles sweetly>
KRYTEN
You're not, are you.
<She shakes her head>
KRYTEN
I think I understand: For you, the trek through the ducts was far from
pointless. It was an emotional journey where you gleaned invaluable
insights into your crewmates. This was your 'rites of passage'; you feel
enriched, wiser, and somehow bonded by this in a way that... you never
thought possible.
Am I right?
<While KRYTEN was pretentiously expounding theories, KOCHANSKI has
surreptitiously armed herself with her trusty pipe-bashing spanner>
KOCHANSKI
Say - 'nurieek'.
KRYTEN
'Nurieek'.
<KOCHANSKI whips out the spanner and raps KRYTEN smartly over the head>
KRYTEN
Oof.
KOCHANSKI
Say 'rotut'.
KRYTEN
'Rotut'.
<Again the spanner flies, resulting in a satisfying 'clang' of metal against
metal>
KRYTEN
Ooh.
KOCHANSKI
Say 'hernunger'.
KRYTEN
Er, 'hernunger'.
<Clang>
KOCHANSKI
'Nurieek'.
KRYTEN
'Nurieek'.
<Clang>
KOCHANSKI
'Rotut'.
KRYTEN
'Rotut'.
<Clang>
KOCHANSKI
'Hernunger'.
KRYTEN
'Hernunger'.
<Clang>
KOCHANSKI
'Sqweloookal'.
KRYTEN
'Sqweloookal'.
<Clang>
KOCHANSKI
'Rotut'.
KRYTEN
Oohh!
'Rotut'.
<Clang>
KOCHANSKI
'Nurieek'.
KRYTEN
Ooh! 'Nurieek'.
<Clang>
KOCHANSKI
'Hernunger'.
KRYTEN
'Hernunger'.
<Clang>
KOCHANSKI
'Sqweloookal'.
KRYTEN
'Sqweloookal'.
<Clang>
KOCHANSKI
'Nurieek'!
KRYTEN
'Nurieek'.
<Clang>
[Sound and picture begin to fade]
KOCHANSKI
'Rotut'!
KRYTEN
'Rotut'.
<Clang>
KOCHANSKI
'Hernunger'!
[--------------------------- END OF "DUCT SOUP" ---------------------------]
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor;
no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms
and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk". Thanks.]
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-15358312712375664472012-11-01T09:57:00.001-07:002012-11-01T09:57:19.313-07:00Season 7 Episode 3 - Ouroboros<span style="font-family: Courier New;"><pre>[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 7
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 3 -- OUROBOROS
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 1.0
2-4 February, 1997
Last updated: 31 March, 1997
Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
Credits for corrections:
Sea, Annette McIntosh
[-- 1 - Int. Empty pub ----------------------------------------------------]
<A pair of hands, their owner out of view, push a large cardboard box
underneath a zero-gravity pool table. A single word written in black
marker pen adorns the side of the box, and reads: 'Ouroboros'. The owner
of the box leaves without being seen accompanied by a strange 'whooshing'
noise, the source of which casts a momentary red glow on the floor. The
small leg of a baby can be seen in the box, kicking at its blankets>
[A caption appears on screen:
THE AIGBURTH ARMS, LIVERPOOL
NOVEMBER 26th, 2155]
[Enter CUSTOMER]
CUSTOMER
All right? Anyone servin' or what?
BARMAID [OOV]
With you in a minute, luv.
[Both speakers have distinct Liverpudlian accents]
[FX: baby sounds]
<Hearing the baby fretting, the CUSTOMER walks over to the pool table and
discovers the box. He picks it up and finds the baby wrapped in blankets
inside. He takes it back to the bar>
[Enter BARMAID, appearing behind the metal grating that seals off the bar
area]
BARMAID
'Ello, Frank, pet. What can I get for you?
CUSTOMER
Look at this - a just found it under the pool table.
<The barmaid opens a hinged section of the grating and the customer passes
the box through>
BARMAID
Any note?
CUSTOMER
No, not'in'.
BARMAID <peering inside the box>
Oh!
They've written its name on the side, 'ere.
'Our Rob, or Ross'
CUSTOMER
Yeah, look at the way it's spelt - they must've been thicker than a ticket
tout's wad. Couldn't even decide on a name.
BARMAID
Aw, poor little mite. I wonder what'll become of 'im? Som'thin'
terrible, no doubt...
[-- 2 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]
[LISTER present. He appears to be giving himself something of a hygeine
overhaul. Tufts of cotton wool protrude from his ears, presumably to soak
excess ear wax. Shaving foam covers the right-hand side of his face and
in one hand he holds a razor which he runs down his jawline while brushing
his teeth with his other hand. This completed to his satisfaction, LISTER
picks up a pair of cooking tongs and, fully anticipating agony, pulls out
an overtly protruding nasal hair. He cringes>
LISTER
I hate doin' that - I *hate* doin' that.
<Suddenly a sneeze overtakes LISTER, and something is blasted out of his
mouth to tinkle and lose itself against the bathroom equipment>
LISTER
Smeg! I've just sneezed out my cap!
[Enter KRYTEN. He carries a washing basket and fresh bedclothes]
KRYTEN
Just thought I'd change your linen before you turn in for the night, sir.
LISTER
Kryten, something terrible's happenned: I've lost my cap.
<KRYTEN pulls out LISTER's deerstalker from his washing basket>
KRYTEN
No, no, here it is, sir. I've just finished giving it its monthly scrape.
LISTER
My *tooth* cap... the one you made from the skeleton in the medi-bay.
KRYTEN
Oh, I see.
<LISTER glances at the table where KRYTEN placed the basket>
LISTER
Heyy, here it is. I need some glue to stick it in; I've just got that
needly, pointy thing - I look disgusting.
KRYTEN
Let me see -
LISTER
No, no - I look all needly, pointy and disgusting.
KRYTEN
Let me see, sir. I'm a mechanoid, for goodness' sake. I won't be
revolted no matter *how* you look.
LISTER
Okay.
KRYTEN
Oh my god, it's hideous!
<KRYTEN unexpectedly lets out a high pitched giggle>
LISTER
Yes, yes, very funny - just fix it.
KRYTEN
It'll take about half an hour to prepare some dental adhesive.
LISTER
Oh, gimme some wood glue - you can re-do it in the mornin'.
KRYTEN
Wood glue? Are you sure, sir? I don't want you to get your lips glued
together, now be careful!
<LISTER turns to the mirror and slathers glue over his 'needly, pointy
thing' before sticking his cap back into place>
KRYTEN
Oh, incidentally, I just found some old clothes in one of the storage
lockers.
<KRYTEN takes out a pair of fluffy bunny slippers from his basket, placing
them on the table, and holds up a very pink, very frilly, very ladies
dressing gown>
LISTER <appreciatively>
Eyyyy, I need a dressing gown.
KRYTEN
Well, that's what I thought. I thought if I remove the trim, and let it
out a little bit, obviously dye it, well I think it could be just dandy.
<LISTER lets KRYTEN help him put on the gown over his shirt>
LISTER
Yeah, nice one, Kryts.
KRYTEN
Oh, perhaps I could take the necessary measurements now, sir?
<LISTER stands with his arms outstretched and KRYTEN begins to take
measurements with a tape measure>
LISTER
I wonder why guys have nostril hair.
KRYTEN
I think its nature's way of telling you its time to buy a flat cap and a
pair of driving gloves, sir.
LISTER
Worst, are those guys who just let it grow. They look like they've got,
like, half a loo-brush lodged up each nostril. They look like those
machines that shine your shoes.
KRYTEN
Curious, isn't it, that most women aren't similarly afflicted. Obviously
I'm excluding women who work in Oxfam shops.
LISTER
Hey, it evens itself out, doesn't it. Women have the agony of childbirth
and we have -
<LISTER gestures with his tongs and snaps them together>
LISTER
- this.
<LISTER yanks another stray hair from his nice and cringes>
LISTER <voice laced with pain>
They don't know they're born! They don't!
<LISTER picks up a pack of dental floss and begins to clean his front teeth.
After a moment, his sideways motion suddenly stops. He tugs for a moment,
alarmed, before realisation dawns>
LISTER
What is *wrong* with me? Now I've got a box of floss attached to my face!
[Enter CAT. He takes in LISTER's dressing gown, cotton wool ears, and
dental floss arrangement]
CAT
Heyyy... nice outfit.
LISTER
Did you come in 'ere for a reason?
CAT
Oh yeah! Something's showing up on the long range scan which is *weird*
with a capital 'we'.
LISTER
Can you be a tad more scientific?
CAT
Come again?
KRYTEN
Er, is it a 'wibbly thing', or a 'swirly thing', sir?
CAT
At this early stage I'd hate to commit myself and wind up looking a fool!
Come see for yourself.
[Exit CAT]
<LISTER takes the slippers from the table and begins to put them on>
LISTER
'Wibbly thing', or 'swirly thing', and he refuses to commit himself...
<LISTER takes the dangling strands of floss and its box and drapes them over
his shoulders>
LISTER
He's losing it, he really is.
[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER]
[-- 3 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------]
[Deep Space. A dangerous-looking, undulating mass of orange-coloured energy
lies ahead of Starbug]
[-- 4 - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present, at stations]
KRYTEN
It's some kind of power surge that's causing a major disturbance in the
fabric of Space-Time.
CAT
It's also causing a major disturbance in the fabric of my pants!
LISTER
It's almost like a tear...
KRYTEN
Perhaps a temporal rift?
CAT
I'm gonna turn this tub around a try to out-run it.
LISTER
Get real, man - that thing out there's going faster than a copy of
'Hello!' in a nunnery.
[Outside Starbug, we see the rift grow larger as Starbug approaches. Blue
space and stars appear to be within it]
KRYTEN
Suggest we treat it like a tidal wave, sir, and head straight for the 'eye
of the storm'.
LISTER
Cat -
CAT
Pshhh!
LISTER
Go for it, man. The eye of the storm.
<Starbug dives into the rapidly expanding rift, and is quickly caught up
in rippling eddies that shake the craft around and spin it on it's axis.
Some of the smaller, more delicate components in the cockpit expire in
small showers of sparks, but the ship in general seems to survive>
KRYTEN
We seem to be through the worst of it! But I'm picking up some kind of
subspace energy disturbance down on the engineering deck.
[-- 5 - Int. Starbug engineering deck ------------------------------------]
[This is a dark and quiet corridor within Starbug, with one particular
feature of interest: where once was one section of the side wall, there is
now a shimmering, pulsating wall of blue light]
[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, CAT]
KRYTEN
According to the psi-scan, the membrane between two realities has
temporarily collapsed. This is some kind of 'hyperway', through non-space
to a parallel dimension.
LISTER
Let's have a goosey...
[LISTER steps tentatively into the Way, followed by KRYTEN and CAT]
[-- 6 - Int. Within the Way -----------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present. The Dwarfers walk slowly along a ethereal
blue tunnel, seemingly constructed of misty azure laser light. It manages
to convey a suggestion of being structurally unsound, giving slightly
beneath the weight of their steps]
<CAT's foot tears through the base of the hyperway, and KRYTEN grabs his arm
and pulls him up. Revealed beyond the Way is an inky blackness beneath
filled with fast-flowing ribbons of mist>
KRYTEN
Careful, sir. The linkway's about as stable as an Italian taxi driver
who's got stuck behind two old priest in a Skoda.
CAT
What the hell *is* that?
KRYTEN
'Non-space', sir. An abyss of infinite nothingness, where Time doesn't
seem to exist.
LISTER
Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night...
[-- 7 - Int. Within the Way -----------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present]
<From the opposite end of the Way, three figures step into view from a
backdrop of bright light. Mirror images of the Dwarfers, there is a
Parallel KRYTEN, identical but for a gold body shell; a Parallel CAT,
immaculately dressed and aloof; and finally a Parallel LISTER; smartly
dressed, self-assured, and...>
P.LISTER
How's it going?
LISTER
You're a hologram...
P.LISTER
Hard light.
LISTER
So, in your dimension Lister died?
P.LISTER
In the radiation leak that wiped out Red Dwarf.
LISTER
Well, why didn't you get put into stasis like me? What happenned?
P.LISTER
Remember coming back from shore leave on Mimas..?
LISTER
I'd taken a couple'a days off to get over Kochanski. Yeah, I remember...
[We cut to flashback]
[-- 8 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------]
[The Red Dwarf in orbit around Mimas. A shuttle approaches, bringing crew
back from shore leave]
[-- 9 - Int. Red Dwarf customs area ---------------------------------------]
[RIMMER present, standing in an embarkation corridor in a Red Dwarf customs
area. This is the Red Dwarf pre-accident, and is pretty much as it was in
series 1/2 time - masses of dull, grey metal and bored JMC staff. RIMMER
stands at the end of the corridor, close to the customs desk. He is
peering down the corridor which is out of shot, and holds a recognition
card marked "Smeg head"]
[Enter LISTER. He pushes a trolley before him piled with bags]
RIMMER
Where the hell have you been? I've reported you as A.W.O.L.
LISTER
I've been on shore leave, man. Didn't you get my message?
<A Customs officer points to LISTER's bags and he begins transferring them
to the officer's desk>
RIMMER
You're supposed to apply to a superior officeer before you get shore
leave, Lister.
LISTER
Look, give me a break. Ever since Kochanski split up with me I've needed
some time on my own, okay?
RIMMER
Kochanski dumped you?
LISTER
Yeah.
RIMMER
She really dumped you?
LISTER
Yes!
RIMMER
But you didn't tell me! You should have told me! Are you really
heartbroken?
LISTER
I dunno, man, y'know.
RIMMER
You are, aren't you!
LISTER
Okay, yes! Yes!
<The Customs officers check LISTER's items, all typical example's of tourist
junk, and pass them back for LISTER to load back on to his trolley>
RIMMER
Didn't I tell you you'd never bridge that class division? Take her:
navigation officer, cadet school, Space Corps., well-spoken, can stay awake
during operas, knows her cheeses. She's class. And you? What are you?
I don't mean to sound cruel but in comparison you're scum. And second-rate
scum, at that.
LISTER
Yeah, but remember, I used to be fourth-rate scum - I've dragged meself up
by my bootstraps, bub.
<LISTER heads off and RIMMER trails behind, trying to get LISTER's
attention>
[-- 10 - Int. Red Dwarf crew locker area ----------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, RIMMER. LISTER steers his trolley through a tightly winding
corridor, lined on both sides by rank after rank of small, iron-doored
lockers]
RIMMER
Listy -
Listy -
RIMMER
Your type isn't Kochanski, Listy. It's someone called 'Tiffany'. It's
someone who drinks Campari and soda and wears orange crotchless panties;
someone who thinks Deely-boppers are funny; someone who says 'sumfink'
instead of *something*, and laughs like a freshly wounded moose strapped to
a cement mixer.
<LISTER stops beside his locker, opens it, and begins to transfer his haul
into it>
LISTER
This from a man who's had less sex than a lettuce...
RIMMER
Oh, har har.
LISTER
Rimmer, people who say 'har har' have no sense of humour, they just can't
think of a witty retort.
RIMMER
[beat]
Oh, har har.
<RIMMER turns and walks away>
<Enter KOCHANSKI from around a corner. She looks pensive, and approaches
LISTER slowly. RIMMER spins around as she passes him and smarms up, his
introduction attracting LISTER's attention, to KOCHANSKI's annoyance>
RIMMER
Ah, Ms Kochanski, ma'am. I don't suppose you've read my proposal for a
new Space Corps. salute? It's just, I'm trying to get the support of the
officers to have it replace the conventional one. I don't want to pressure
you but it *is* rather important, because if you like it, that brings the
overall total of officers who are right behind it up to... one.
KOCHANSKI
Rimmer?
RIMMER
Yes, ma'am?
KOCHANSKI
Have sex with someone and that's an order.
RIMMER [embarassed]
Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.
LISTER
'Ere:
<LISTER digs a card out of his pocket and hands it to RIMMER>
LISTER
Ring this number, say I sent ya, tell 'em it's an emergency.
<KOCHANSKI tries to hide a laugh>
[Exit RIMMER, flustered]
KOCHANSKI
Hi
LISTER
Mmm.
KOCHANSKI
I just wanted to say, look, I'm sorry... for the 'Dear John'. It was
cowardly.
LISTER <acts as if he doesn't understand>
Oh, that! Sorry, I'd completely forgot. It seems like years ago.
KOCHANSKI
It was last week...
LISTER
Was it?
KOCHANSKI
Mm-hmm.
LISTER
Must've got over it -
<LISTER snaps his fingers>
LISTER
- just like that.
[Exit LISTER]
KOCHANSKI <following>
Oh come on, Dave!
[-- 11 - Int. Red Dwarf crew locker area ----------------------------------]
[LISTER present]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
It's just, we weren't going anywhere!
LISTER
How could we? We never got out of bed.
<They stop walking>
KOCHANSKI
Look, there's more to life than hanging out in your bunk, eating delivery
curries and having fantastic sex.
LISTER
Frankly, I find that very hard to believe...
KOCHANSKI
I just wanted to see if we could be friends...
LISTER
Do you mean give it another go?
KOCHANSKI
No, no. I'm, er, back with Tim now.
LISTER
Tim?? That guy is such a poser! The way he always wears that white suit
and that big white floppy hat...
KOCHANSKI
He's a chef!
LISTER
Yeeaahhh, but the way he always poses around, in the officers club,
smoking those black cigarettes. Such a phoney.
<A mewing sound is heard, and KOCHANSKI pulls open LISTER's jacket. She
reaches into the inside pocket and removes a small black cat>
KOCHANSKI [incredulous]
Do you know what you'll get for smuggling a cat on board??
LISTER
What, cat-martialed?
KOCHANSKI
I'm serious! As serving N.O. I'm supposed to report this!
LISTER
So report it, get me put into stasis for six months.
KOCHANSKI
Don't you know how dangerous it is to smuggle in an unquarantined animal?
LISTER [sarcastically]
I was lonely - I'd just been dumped by my girlfriend...
KOCHANSKI
It breaks every reg. in the manual...
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
[-- 12 - Int. Red Dwarf waste disposal area -------------------------------]
[Enter KOCHANSKI. This is a dingy area of the ship decorated with gloomy
paintwork, red lighting and large industrial machinery]
<KOCHANSKI stops at the small door of a machine labelled 'Disintegrator' and
opens it. She puts the cat into the unit, closes the door and taps
commands into the console. Gazing at the cat as the unit begins to power
up, KOCHANSKI relents at the the last moment, opens the door and takes out
the cat>
KOCHANSKI <holding the feline up to her face>
Just don't get caught or I'm out cold for six months, okay??
[-- 13 - Int. Inside the Way ----------------------------------------------]
[Cut back to present time. We are once more within the shimming blue
linkway]
[LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, P.LISTER, P.CAT, P.KRYTEN present]
LISTER
So you didn't get put into stasis, and died with the rest of the crew..?
P.LISTER
Then Holly brought me back as a hologram.
LISTER
So what happenned to Kochanski?
P.LISTER
They found the cat, and she got six months in stasis.
LISTER
Does that mean...
[Enter KOCHANSKI. Like LISTER, she has changed somewhat since her days on
board Red Dwarf. Rather than cling to the Space Corps. (like Rimmer with
his uniforms) and to her Officer's status, the Parallel KOCHANSKI could be
said to be dressed for action. Her dark, shoulder-length hair is arranged
and fastened atop her head, and she wears a shiny, tight-fitting red
catsuit]
<LISTER, suddenly acutely aware of his own wardrobe, attempts to smarten
himself up, tuggling at the floss dangling from his teeth before finally
settling for scooping his dangling strands up into his mouth>
KOCHANSKI
Hi.
<She looks LISTER up and down>
LISTER
You look great!
KOCHANSKI
You look pretty amazing yourself...
KOCHANSKI
So in this dimension you didn't die? You're an alternate version of
Dave...
LISTER
Well, I like to think of myself as the definitive version, y'know? Honed
to perfection by Time and evolution.
<LISTER sucks up a loose strand of floss nonchalantly>
KOCHANSKI <eying LISTER again>
I can see why you think that, yeah.
P.KRYTEN
Sirs, er, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours before the dimensional tear
self-repairs and we loose the linkway. I suggest we might spend some of
that time exchanging supplies and information.
P.LISTER
We could update your hydrogen ram-drive to a tachyon-powered engine core?
CAT
And in return, maybe we could unscrew all those old pickle jars you can't
open!
KOCHANSKI
There is *something* you could do for us...
LISTER
Yeah?
KOCHANSKI
At some point I want to have children. It's a slightly pervy thing to
ask, especiually seeing as we've only just met, but perhaps you could -
LISTER
Yeah..?
KOCHANSKI
After all, we've been... y'know, lovers... Perhaps you could -
LISTER
Yeah??
<KOCHANSKI holds up a small double chambered bottle>
KOCHANSKI
Fill this up. It's a self- gamet-mixing in-vitro tube. I'm... already in
there; it just needs your... contribution.
LISTER
So it worked out for you guys, then.
<KOCHANSKI and the Parallel LISTER loop arms around each other>
LISTER <bitterly>
Congratulations.
<Before anything further can be said, a sudden explosion rocks the flimsy
Linkway, almost knocking those present off their feet. KRYTEN frantically
taps commands into his Psi-scanner>
KRYTEN
Gelf ship! Somehow they've managed to infiltrate non-space!
<A second shot fired by the Gelfs impacts upon the Linkway with an explosion
that rips the base of the delicate structure apart - the ragged ends
seperated by a distance of 10 feet or so, only held together by the roof
of the Way. Off-balance, KOCHANSKI falls but manages to grab the strap of
a box carried in by the Parallel Lister and placed on the floor of the
tunnel. The Parallel LISTER dives on the box to stop KOCHANSKI dragging
her support away with her, and stretches his arm down into non-space>
P.LISTER
Chris! Give me your hand!
LISTER <to KRYTEN>
Hang on to m' feet, man!
<LISTER drops to the base of the Linkway and lies prone, then shuffles his
body down over the lip of the tear, reaching out to the struggling
KOCHANSKI>
CAT <of the box's strap>
It's gonna give!
<Suddenly inspired, LISTER lets out his dental floss, KOCHANSKI grabs it
and LISTER, wincing with the strain, hauls her up and onto the 'wrong' side
of the Way. Just as she reaches safety, the Gelfs launch a third salvo and
the tunnel begins to shake itself apart. A third explosion succeeds in
ripping the Linkway in two and KOCHANSKI, catching the brunt of the
explosive seperation, is rendered unconscious; Lister scoops her into his
arms. The two crews are forced back into their respective ships - the link
between their two dimensions lost...>
[-- 14 - Int. Starbug Medi-bay --------------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI present, unconscious on the medi-bay's bed, LISTER anxiously
hovering over her. KRYTEN fires a hypo-spray into her neck them moves away
to study her charts. KOCHANSKI's eyes flutter open, and she wraps her arms
around LISTER and pulls him close to her]
KOCHANSKI
I thought I'd lost you!
LISTER
I think you've mistaken --
KOCHANSKI
Shh!
<KOCHANSKI pulls LISTER closer and kisses him. After a long moment, she
lets him go>
KOCHANSKI
What were you saying?
LISTER
Forget it...
<Without encouragement this time, LISTER enjoys another kiss. KRYTEN turns
and takes in the scene>
KRYTEN
Oh dear! Er, sir, I think, er, Miss Kochanski's under the delusion that
you're --
LISTER <hurriedly>
Er, not now, Kryten, man.
KRYTEN
But you don't understand me, sir, you see Miss Kochanski thinks that
you're --
LISTER
I can handle it, okay! Now go and make some sweet tea or something!
KRYTEN
B - Permission to speak, sir?
LISTER <muffled by another passionate kiss>
Permission refused!
<Abruptly, KOCHANSKI breaks off the kiss and pushes LISTER back. She sits
up and looks around>
KOCHANSKI
Wait a minute... this isn't the medi-bay...
LISTER
I think you must have mistaken me for *your* Lister...
KRYTEN
Well, *that's* what I've been trying to tell you all along, sir!
LISTER
Were you!?
KRYTEN
If only you'd listened to me, I could have saved you from all that
yukkiness.
KOCHANSKI <disgustedly>
Is that the kind of guy you are? Someone who'd take advantage of a woman
who's half-insensible??
<KOCHANSKI climbs off the bed and walks unsteadily towards the door>
LISTER
I was gonna tell you, honestly! It's just, they always told me in school
it's rude to talk with your mouth full.
KOCHANSKI
Wait, you mean I'm *stuck* here with you?
<She grabs the pink nightie from its hook on the door and throws it at
LISTER>
KOCHANSKI
'Priscilla, Queen of Deep Space'?? No way! I've got to get that linkway
back!
<A large explosion rocks Starbug>
LISTER
It's not exactly possible at the moment, we're under attack.
[Exit LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN]
[-- 15 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[CAT present, at the helm]
[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN. They assume stations, KOCHANSKI sitting
at the now empty navigaton console]
CAT
It's back on our tail!
LISTER
What is it?
CAT
Some Gelf battle cruiser.
<A piece of paper suddenly spews forth from a printer; on it is a picture of
a particularly hideous, hairy Gelf. KRYTEN tears it off and hands it to
LISTER>
KRYTEN
They've sent a scan, sir. Take a look.
LISTER
Oh my god, it's the missus.
KOCHANSKI
The what?
KRYTEN
Mr Lister's Gelf bride.
CAT
We all went to the wedding, it was just beautiful.
KOCHANSKI
He married this??
CAT
He had to.
KOCHANSKI
You mean..?
<KOCHANSKI mimes a pregnant stomach>
LISTER
We were in a bit of a fix! We needed an engine part!
KOCHANSKI
You should visit the orang-utan house at London zoo sometime, your eyes'd
be out on stalks!
KRYTEN
Wait! They're opening comms channels -
<KRYTEN puts on a headset and begins to translate a communication>
KRYTEN
Er, sir? They're demanding you return to your bride. In Gelf law,
seperation is impossible without special dispensation from hhakk-akhhaak-
kkhhak, hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk. Chief Justice of hakhakhk-
aahkahkh-hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak-kak-akk-hakkakak.
KOCHANSKI
Okay, patch me in to the NCN and I'll lay down an S-S line.
CAT
You'll *what*, officer B-B?
KOCHANSKI
Quadrant four-niner-two, stroke G eight-seven, moving across to quadrant
two to Q four-one stroke nine. Just follow my co-ords.
CAT
Your cords?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah, my co-ords.
CAT
You want me to follow your cords??
KOCHANSKI
Is that a problem?
CAT
Now, you're not talking about trousers, are you..?
KOCHANSKI
Co-ordinates...
CAT
Co-ordinates! Thank you!
[-- 16 - Action MONTAGE ---------------------------------------------------]
<The Dwarfers get their act together, and Kochanski leads them down to the
surface of an ice planet where Cat begins to thread Starbug through the
glaciers, the Gelf cruiser barelling along behind them>
KOCHANSKI
Twenty degrees starboard from this next burg...
<CAT and LISTER carefully adjust course>
KOCHANSI
They're right on our tails.
Hold this line... keep holding...
<Starbug describes a shallow decline, getting closer and ever closer towards
scraping the rough surface of the ice planet>
KOCHANSKI
*Keep* holding... lift now!
<CAT and LISTER yank the dual control yoke backwards and Starbug's snub nose
lifts itself, and the rest of the ship, upwards and clear of the snow-
covered rocks they were heading for. The Gelf ship, with it's extra bulk
and lack of manouvrability, crashes headlong into the valley floor>
CAT [grudgingly]
Really snazzy!
<LISTER glances at CAT and waggles a hand in a 'so-so' gesture>
[-- 17 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------------]
[LISTER present, sprawled on his bed]
[Enter KRYTEN. He carries a laundry basket, and his general atitude and
brusque, forceful movements, show that he is obviously agitated about
something]
KRYTEN
Still no sign of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. We're fast running out of
time.
<KRYTEN begins removing items from the basket and ironing them>
LISTER
I know. It's good, isn't it!
KRYTEN <shortly>
No, sir. I don't believe it is.
LISTER
What, don't you like her?
KRYTEN
I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a...
bossy old trollop she is!
LISTER
Good kisser, though.
KRYTEN
She knew that was you *all along*, sir! She was merely trying you out to
compare you with *her* Mr Lister. Pshaw!
Apparently, he's quite something. Initially a soft light hologram, that's
made him 'sensitive and caring in a way most men aren't'.
<LISTER gets off his bed and approaches KRYTEN>
LISTER
What, you mean he can remember anniversaries and stay awake for several
seconds after sex?
KRYTEN
He's 'every woman's dream guy', sir. He even enjoys shopping for shoes!
LISTER
Jesus...
KRYTEN
A human male, who's prepared to have in-depth discussions about...
KRYTEN mimes quote marks in the air with his hands>
KRYTEN
..."relationships".
LISTER
Eurgh!
KRYTEN
We're talking about someone about someone 'quite exceptional' here, sir.
LISTER
Where does that leave me?
KRYTEN
Well that leaves you trying to help me get her - get her back to her
rightful ship.
<After trying for a moment to plump LISTER's duvet, KRYTEN bats it out of
his way and sits down on the bunk>
KRYTEN
She can't stay here, sir. She just can't!
LISTER
Kryten, man, are you okay?
KRYTEN
I just know we're not going to be able to get rid of her!
[KRYTEN's voice has dramatically changed - it's now very high pitched, like
he's on the verge of bursting into tears]
LISTER
Why's that so terrible?
KRYTEN
She's gonna take you away from me, I just know it!
LISTER
What??
KRYTEN
I took her a glass of milk while she was showering... *I've* *seen* *her*
*naked*!
LISTER
So?
KRYTEN
She's got all those 'in and out' bits that you like...
LISTER
Kryten, no matter what happens, you and me - we're compadres; amigos.
KRYTEN
But that's all going to change if she stays! You'll end up liking her
more!
LISTER
I won't.
KRYTEN
You will!
LISTER
I won't!
KRYTEN
You will!
LISTER
I won't! I won't! I *won't*!
KRYTEN
You promise?
LISTER
I promise.
KRYTEN
So if she walked in here now, and, and took all her clothes off, and said
"Oh, make love to me, you horny dude", and I said, "oh, perhaps you'd prefer
to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?" What would you do?
LISTER
[beat]
What kind of sheets would they be?
KRYTEN
Well, those nice cotton ones with the pattern.
LISTER
What, blue stripey ones or the green square ones?
KRYTEN
The green square ones.
LISTER
So, it's making love to Kochanski, or folding sheets with you?
[beat]
Can I do final fold and stack?
KRYTEN
Absolutely.
LISTER
Well it'd be the sheets, then.
KRYTEN
Oh! She's standing there all naked with all the in-and-out bits going all
inny and outy?
LISTER
It'll be the sheets, Kryt. You and me. Hospital corners.
KRYTEN
Really?
LISTER <pulling a face>
Too true.
KRYTEN
[beat]
You're lying!! You're just trying to make me feel better! Ohh! Why
can't she be more like Mr Rimmer? He was perfect! he didn't have any
in-and-out bits, hardly at all.
LISTER
There's no one I care more about than you, okay!
KRYTEN
I'd never dump you like she did! Never!
LISTER
It's not gonna change.
KRYTEN
Never?
LISTER
Never.
KRYTEN
[beat]
You're lying!!
LISTER
I'm *not* lying!!
KRYTEN
Yes you are! I'm gong to end up on my own again, just like I did on the
Nova 5!
LISTER
You killed the crew, Kryten! No wonder you ended up on your own! All
right, it was an accident, but nevertheless...
KRYTEN
But what about before that? It was the same on the SS Augustus.
LISTER
They all died of old age!
KRYTEN
You see!?!
[-- 18 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]
[Starbug flies by a planet]
[-- 19 - Int. Starbug Cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KOCHANSKI present, at stations]
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
I thought I'd, er, lend a hand and see if I could help you get out of
here.
KOCHANSKI
I've got a positive trans-dimensional trace but I still can't
re-establish the linkway. I'm sure it's something to do with electro-
magnetic phasing frequencies.
CAT
You took the words right out of my mouth!
KRYTEN
Have you tried inverting the signal?
KOCHANSKI
We'll need a power re-route in the auxiliary power drives.
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
CAT <calling to KOCHANSKI>
I'll take care of that! ... Whatever it is.
KRYTEN
It's the, er, big red button, there, sir.
<KRYTEN presses the button for CAT>
[Exit KRYTEN]
<CAT pulls a face and presses the button off, pauses, then serenely presses
it on again>
<He gets out of his seat and runs to the cockpit hatch>
[-- 20 - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]
[KOCHASNKI, KRYTEN present, each seated at the scanner table and tapping on
portable terminals]
[Enter CAT, leaning against the cockpit hatch]
CAT
Hey, officer Bud-Babe, about that power simillililillum-inuminim drive?
Taken care of.
<CAT coolly fires her a salute and slinks back into the cockpit proper>
[Exit CAT]
<KRYTEN shakes his head, then he and KOCHANSKI work in awkward silence for a
few moments>
KOCHANSKI [pensively]
You don't like me, do you?
KRYTEN
Ma'am?
KOCHANSKI
You don't, do you?
KRYTEN
Ma'am, I think it'd be more efficient if we spent our energies trying to
re-establish the linkway.
KOCHANSKI
But why --
KRYTEN
Please!
KOCHANSKI
I mean --
KRYTEN
Ma'am!
KOCHANSKI
I need to know why!
KRYTEN
Do you indeed?
KOCHANSKI
Yes.
KRYTEN
Well, you're not good enough for him! That's all. Okay, he may walk
around smelling like a Balti house laundry basket, but he doesn't need the
likes of you swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow, and bewitching
him with all your... in-and-out bits. All pointy and unnecessary!
KOCHANSKI
[beat]
You've got big problems, you know that?
KRYTEN
Well, at least I don't have a ridiculous walk. Unlike some people.
KOCHANSKI
Ha! Have you seen the way *you* walk??
<KRYTEN gets up and stomps to the galley, legs flailing>
KRYTEN
I have a perfectly sensible walk!
<He takes a psi-scanner from a wall unit>
KRYTEN
At least I don't walk like this:
<KRYTEN performs an exaggerated female walk, his hips swinging and his arms
held out delicately>
<Before KOCHANSKI can retort, KRYTEN's terminal suddenly beeps>
KOCHANSKI <peering at screen>
Phaser frequency four-three-four - we've got it back!
KRYTEN
What? You're right, that's it!
KOCHANSKI
I can leave!
KRYTEN
You can leave!
<They high-five, before remembering they dislike each other. Each sit down
and tap concentradedly at their terminals>
[-- 21 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]
[A dimensional rift in space, with the undulating blue umbilical of a
Linkway]
[-- 22 - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present]
KRYTEN
Champagne, everyone! If this doesn't deserve a celebration, I don't know
what does!
CAT
What are we celebrating exactly?
<KRYTEN, standing to the side of and just behind KOCHANSKI, gestures toward
her with his head and mouths 'She's leaving!' KOCHANSKI turns to the mech
who instantly smiles warmly at her>
KRYTEN
You've found your crewmates at last - how wonderful!
KOCHANSKI <wryly>
Thanks, Kryten...
KRYTEN
I must go and find the others.
[Exit KRYTEN, skipping happily]
[-- 23 - Int. Gantry within Starbug ---------------------------------------]
[LISTER present]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
<LISTER holds out the small in-vitro tube>
LISTER
This is for you.
Just pop that in the uterine simulator in your medi-lab and... bingo.
KOCHANSKI
Wow...
LISTER
Our child...
KOCHANSKI
I'll... you know.
LISTER
I know.
KOCHANSKI
As soon as it's old enough I'll tell it all about you -
LISTER
Just make it understand why I'm not there, I don't want it ending up like
me.
KOCHANSKI
What happenned to you was really rough. The pool table, no note, no
explanation...
LISTER
I think that's why I spent most of my early life drifting, y'know? I
didn't have anything to look to cos I didn't know who I was, where I came
from. Just those two names they couldn't decide on calling me; 'Rob' or
'Ross'.
KOCHANSKI
Well... I'll look after it. You know I will.
LISTER
Yeah, I know.
<They move to kiss>
[Enter KRYTEN, interposing himself between them to get to the gantry
railing]
KRYTEN
Excuse me, sir; just doing a spot of dusting here...
[-- 24 - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
Look, this is probably a long shot but if we can hit the right settings
it may be possible to communicate trans-dimensionally.
<She hands LISTER a palm-size device, similar to a portable phone>
LISTER
See ya...
KOCHANSKI
Bye.
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
[Enter CAT, struggling with a large box. LISTER takes one of the handles
and they hold it between them]
LISTER
What's this?
CAT
Supplies from Bud-Babe's ship.
LISTER
No, *this*
<LISTER indicates a marking on the top of a box>
KRYTEN
Well, it's the symbol for 'infinity', sir. The snake, eating it's own
tail and thus completing the everlasting circle of life that has no
beginning or end.
LISTER
What's it doing on 'ere?
KRYTEN
The crate used to contain batteries, sir. Ouroboros batteries;
everlasting.
LISTER
Ourobo-what??
<LISTER takes the box from CAT and places it down, looking at it intently>
KRYTEN
Ouroboros, sir - it's the name of the symbol.
<LISTER rubs his hand along the top of the box, revealing the "Ouroboros
Batteries" legend stencilled on it>
CAT
What is it, bud?
LISTER
Ouroboros... It wasn't 'Our Rob or Ross', it was Ouroboros..!
CAT
What was?
LISTER
The message that was written on the side of my box!
CAT
You came in a box? That explains everything.
LISTER
I know who my parents are... I know who I am... I understand, now!
KRYTEN
Explain, sir!?
LISTER
The in-vitro tube, the one that Kochanski's got. The frozen embryo - it's
me! At some point after the baby's borm we must go back in time and leave
me under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms. We wrote Ouroboros on the box
to explain! I'm my own father... and Chris is my ex-girlfriend and my mum!
CAT
You should write a letter to Playboy, bud. I bet you anything it'd get
printed.
LISTER
I've gotta get that test tube back.
[LISTER sprints out after KOCHANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN following]
[-- 25 - Int. The Way ----------------------------------------------------]
[P.LISTER, P.KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, P.CAT present]
[Enter LISTER, running to catch up]
LISTER <shouts>
Mum! Wait!
<The Parallel crew turn around>
KOCHANSKI
What?
LISTER
I need the in-vitro tube! It's me!
[The Parallel crew are too far away to hear properly]
KOCHANSKI
It's what??
[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]
<Without warning, sparks burst from the roof of the Linkway>
KRYTEN
The Gelfs are back!
<Cutting out into non-space, we see a companion Gelf ship has tracked down
the Dwarfers and is doing all in its power to break the trans-dimensional
connection. It fires a second shot and the tortured Linkway shudders and
tears apart, again stranding the unfortunate Kochanski in the wrong
Dimension. This time, she isn't going to put up with it. Setting her
sights on the ragged ledge of the linkway that floats temptingly just feet
away, she shrugs off her jacket and unclips her heavy belt>
LISTER
What are you doing?
KOCHANSKI
I'm gonna jump!
<With that, KOCHANSKI springs forward and sprints for the tear>
CAT
You'll never make it!
LISTER
Chris, no!!
<KOCHANSKI takes a wild leap, fingers stretching for the lip of the linkway.
Spread almost flat, she falls short by mere centimeters and plummets into
the blackness of non-space>
P.LISTER
Christine!!
KRYTEN
We've lost her, sir.
LISTER
No.
No!
P.LISTER
Christine!!
<LISTER's communicator suddenly emits a bleep. He fumbles it out>
LISTER
Yeah?
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
Hi, it's me.
LISTER
Hi -
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
I've decided to stay; just, one proviso -
LISTER
Yeah?
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
Save my life, okay?
[-- 26 - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, running to the cargo stores and tearing lids
off containers as quickly as possible]
LISTER <into Communicator>
Cargo bay; looking now!
LISTER <pulling a weapon of some kind out of a box: to KRYTEN>
What's this??
KRYTEN
It's mountaineering equipment from Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.
LISTER
A crossbow?
KRYTEN
I thought it might come in handy next time we run into your wife.
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
You've got about 20 seconds before I'm out of reach!
<Behind them, CAT pulls out several lengths of rope from another box>
CAT
Rope?
<LISTER grabs the crossbow and rope>
LISTER
Yes! Yes! Yes!
[LISTER sprints OOV]
[-- 27 - Int. The Way -----------------------------------------------------]
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
I'm getting a *mite* panicky, here..!
[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN]
<LISTER runs to the lip of the Way, attaches the rope to a crossbow bolt and
takes careful aim through the telescopic sight. Sweat beading on his brow,
his finger tenses; he knows that a stray shot will end the life of the only
woman he has ever truly loved - in more ways than one.
He pulls the trigger, and the bolt hurls itself into the abyss. The pile
of rope uncoiles with dizzying speed as the the bolt arcs through the
blackness - until it embeds itself solidly, clear through Kochanski's right
thigh>
KOCHANSKI
Aaarg!
<She gasps in agony and stares at the bolt protruding redly through both
sides of her leg>
KOCHANSKI
Bastard!
<As LISTER and CAT struggle with the rope, LISTER's communicator bleeps, and
KRYTEN takes it from his pocket. KRYTEN listens, his eyes widening>
KRYTEN
It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you.
<He holds the device up to LISTER, who cringes>
[-- 28 - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]
KRYTEN
I've brought you a drink, but don't think for one minute it means I've
gone all mushy on you.
KOCHANSKI
I'm gonna get up, and work out a way of re-establishing that linkway.
KRYTEN
It's too late ma'am, the rift's self-repaired...
[His voice again becomes tearful and high-pitched]
KRYTEN
We're *stuck* with you!
KOCHANSKI
I'm gonna try, *anyway*.
<KOCHANSKI slides off the bed awkwardly, and pads over to the door.
Standing, KRYTEN sees that the back of her gown has got fastened in the
waistband of her undershorts>
KRYTEN
Oh, ma'am -
KOCHANSKI
Yes, Kryten?
<KRYTEN hestitates>
KRYTEN
Welcome aboard...
<KOCHANSKI smiles gratefully>
KOCHANSKI
Thanks, Kryten.
<KRYTEN turns away and grins>
[-- 29 - Int. An empty pub ------------------------------------------------]
[The scene is an old, circa 22nd century English pub, in the foreground is
a zero-g pool table. A flash of red lighting arcs down to the floor and
LISTER appears, holding a cardboard box in which is a baby, wrapped in
blankets. A single word written in black marker pen adorns the side of the
box, and reads: 'Ouroboros']
[A caption appears on screen and reads: "EIGHTEEN MONTHS LATER"]
LISTER [to baby]
For a long time, you'll think that you were abandoned, but you *weren't*,
man. You were put here to create a paradox, an unbreakable circle. With us
going 'round and 'round in time, the human race can never beome extinct.
We're like... a kind of 'holding pattern'.
<LISTER reaches into the box and touches the baby's chin tenderly>
LISTER
I'll see ya, son.
<Quietly, LISTER approaches the pool table and, bending down, gently slides
the box underneath. He steps away>
[--------------------------- END OF "OUROBOROS" ---------------------------]
Bonus points if you noticed that there were no opening titles in this
episode. Indeed, this wasn't an oversight on my part - perhaps they were
pushed for time... =)
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor;
no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms
and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk". Thanks.]
</pre>
</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-41685802936371672082012-11-01T09:56:00.003-07:002012-11-01T09:56:43.003-07:00Season 7 Episode 2 - Stoke me a Clipper<pre>[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 7
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 2 -- STOKE ME A CLIPPER
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
[-- 1 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------]
[Start of pre-titles teaser. An old, propeller-driven transport plane in
flight]
[-- 2 - Int. Aeroplane. Day -----------------------------------------------]
[Inside the cockpit. Given the uniforms of the visible crew and passengers,
the plane appears to belong to the German army]
[GERMAN CAPTAIN, PILOT and GESTAPO OFFICER present. CAPTAIN is stroking a
large alligator which lays across his lap]
GERMAN CAPTAIN
Where is the girl?
GESTAPO OFFICER
In five minutes she'll be facing ze firing squad, Herr Captain.
CAPTAIN
Good. And the erstwhile protector?
GESTAPO
In ze cargo hold.
CAPTAIN
Excellent.
<As he finishes speaking, the curtained cockpit partition parts and a man
looking like Rimmer steps through. He is dressed in a flashy silver
flight-suit over a pale turtleneck top, and sports a dashingly blow-dried
haircut. At his appearance, the Gestapo officer trains his pistol on him,
and the Captain's face twitches convulsively. Unconcerned, the man lights
up a cigar and blows out smoke>
CAPTAIN
Ahhh, Ace Rimmer - might one enquire how you escaped your bonds?
<The CAPTAIN directs a withering look at the Gestapo officer>
ACE
Just had to dislocate both shoulders, pop 'em behind my ears and slip
between the ropes. Of course, it's gonna take major orthopaedic surgery to
put them back, but rest assured: that won't stop me from rescuing the
Princess Bonjella.
CAPTAIN
You're insane, Rimmer. You're out-manned and outgunned.
ACE
You expect me to concede?
CAPTAIN
No Mr. Rimmer, I expect you to *die*!
<The CAPTAIN's alligator chooses this moment to punctuate it's master's
threat with a throaty roar>
CAPTAIN
Take him into the hold, take ten minutes to explain all our plans to
him... then... throw him out of the plane.
GESTAPO <gesturing with pistol>
Out!
<Springing into action, Ace steals the gun from the Gestapo officer and
throws a right hook, knocking the man out. The pilot turns in his seat,
also armed, but receives a bullet before he even takes aim - he collapses
and the plane begins to dive. The captain suddenly throws the alligator at
Ace who falls back into the main body of the plane. Ace wrestles with the
reptile, losing his gun out of the open fuselage doors.
We see the plane diving, out of control, and return to the cockpit as the
captain calmly sets light to the fuse of a taped batch of dynamite>
[-- 3 - Int. Fuselage. Day ------------------------------------------------]
[ACE RIMMER present, struggling with the alligator]
[Enter CAPTAIN, wearing a parachute]
CAPTAIN
Ahh, Mr. Rimmer - sorry I can't stick around for a chat, but I've got to
blow.
<The Captain indicates the sticks of dynamite whose fuse fizzles
dangerously>
CAPTAIN
Do me a favour will you, and feed Snappy?
<He tosses the dynamite beyond ACE's reach and jumps out of the plane, we
see him fall happily away from ACE, his nemesis>
ACE
What I would give for a gun.
<The alligator lets rip a roar inches from his face>
ACE
Or a bottle of Listerine!
<With the dynamite dangerously close to exploding, ACE, still struggling
with the 'gator, manages to snatch up a coiled length of rope, before he
manoeuvres himself and the alligator out of the plane>
[-- 4 - Ext. Free-fall. Day -----------------------------------------------]
[ADO: The camera tracks the CAPTAIN in close-up as he falls from the plane,
before switching to ACE as he manages to loop the rope around the 'gator's
neck. Cut back to the CAPTAIN, and over his shoulder we see the doomed
plane explode as the dynamite detonates]
CAPTAIN
Goodbye Ace Rimmer! You were a most worthy adversary!
<The CAPTAIN glances back over his shoulder, then does a double take. Cut
to ACE, now riding alligator like a surfboard, one had holding the rope
leash and steering the reptile>
<CAPTAIN fires several shots at ACE - who steers the alligator's mouth to
fasten around the captains head.
ACE reaches down and pulls the CAPTAIN's gun from limp fingers, and unclips
the despicable man's parachute. The CAPTAIN and his alligator drop out of
shot while ACE slips the straps of the empty chute around his body and
buckles in>
ACE
See you later alligator!
<Triumphantly, ACE pulls the ripcord and his parachute blossoms above him,
taking him swiftly down to the ground>
[-- 5 - OB. Ground level in a German base. Day ----------------------------]
[We see an open-air yard, somewhere within the base. A firing squad has
been lined up, some distance from a woman in a flowing red dress who is
tied to a wooden post with chains. An officer stands to the right of the
firing line, shouting commands to the gunners]
<As the officer gives the command to fire, we cut to ACE descending from the
sky. ACE pulls out his stolen gun and shoots the officer, then quickly
picks off half of the firing squad - taking a bullet to the chest in the
process>
ACE
This is my best top, damn it!
<ACE quickly finishes off the remaining members of the firing squad, then
unclips the parachute and drops some distance to the ground, crashing
through the wooden roof of a supply storehouse. Armed soldiers gather
before the door, and upon a barked command, blast round upon round into the
building, peppering the wooden doors with bullet holes. The officer barks
a command to stop and the firing ceases. They wait, the officer wearing a
smug smile. Suddenly, the doors burst open as Ace powers out, unhurt, on
a motorcycle.
The soldiers scatter as ACE barrels straight towards the woman. He takes
aim with the pistol and, fearing again for her life, the woman turns her
head away as much as she can. Dodging bullets, Ace looses off two well-
aimed shots, ripping through the Princess's chains which fall to the
ground. He screeches to a halt beside the Princess>
ACE
Princess Bonjella; Ace Rimmer. There'll be time for explanations later,
and, hopefully, some sex.
PRINCESS <overjoyed>
What a guy!
<The PRINCESS seats herself behind ACE, who zooms away, dodging yet more
bullets fired after them. ACE fires a few more shots before his pistol
clicks empty - he tosses it away>
ACE
Hold on, Princess!
PRINCESS
Oh please, Ace, call me Beryl!
[SHOT: Close-up of a unit mounted over the bike's handlebars]
<Ace presses a red button on the unit and fire spurts from the bike's
exhausts, launching it off the ground and enabling it to clear the top of
the high perimeter wall. ACE's unprepared pursuer unwittingly drives his
bike right through the wall, demolishing it and detonating his bike's fuel
tank>
ACE
Bet he's a sour Kraut.
<As ACE's motorbike rises to unfeasible heights, we cut back to the base,
where two German soldier run into shot and stare after the rapidly
departing hero>
GERMAN SOLDIER #1
Er ist davongekommen! Ich kann gar nicht glauben, dass er davongekommen
ist!
[Translation: He got away! I can't believe he got away!]
GERMAN SOLDIER #2
Das war Ace Rimmer! Wir haben Glueck, dass wir noch am Leben sind!
[Translation: That was Ace Rimmer! We're lucky to be alive!]
<Suddenly, the forgotten alligator drops solidly out of the sky, flattening
both soldiers where they stand>
<A third soldier runs up to his fellows, glancing down at them before
looking skyward>
[Cut to a view of the blue sky, where ACE has miraculously coaxed his
rocket bike's exhaust smoke to sky-write "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back
for breakfast" in flowing script]
GERMAN SOLDIER #3
Was fuer ein Kerl!
[Translation: What a guy!]
[------------------ <RUN NEW RED DWARF 7 TITLE SEQUENCE> ------------------]
[-- 6 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------]
<Deep space. Starbug flies past a ringed planet>
[-- 7 - Int. Starbug. Day -------------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER present. They are walking through Starbug's dreary, metal
corridors]
KRYTEN
I simply cannot believe you're going to go through with this, sir.
[KRYTEN, LISTER step through hatchway]
LISTER
I'm a man, Kryten, with a man's urges, and a man's desires.
[LISTER goes OOV]
<KRYTEN taps a wall panel before walking OOV and the hatchway door slides
closed. It is marked "Artificial Reality Suite"]
[-- 8 - AR Suite ----------------------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER in a small, roughly cubic room featuring computer panels
on the walls and a large mechanical seating contraption in it's center -
like the Red Dwarf TIV room hallucinated by the crew in 'Back To Reality']
<KRYTEN and LISTER take seats in the AR machine and LISTER begins to remove
his shoes>
KRYTEN
Well what about an ice-cold shower, sir?
LISTER
I've used up this year's water supply with ice-cold showers, Kryten. I was
looking at the log this morning: a 112 gallons! If I carry on like this my
libido's gonna cause a drought.
<The AR unit's headset whirrs down over LISTER's face>
KRYTEN
You think this is the answer?
[-- 9 - OB. A field in the AR game ----------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN and LISTER walk toward camera across a large field backed by trees
and shrubs, the sun shining in clear skies. LISTER is dressed in antique
chainmail and black surcoat like that of a knight, while KRYTEN wears the
clothes of a squire. Kryten carries a small red book in his hand]
LISTER
Look, I know how it may look from the outside -
KRYTEN
Going into an AR simulation with a book of cheats, and seducing the Queen
of Camelot? Words fail me. It's quite the most unchivalrous thing I've
ever heard in my life!
LISTER
Are you my faithful manservant or what?
KRYTEN
I'm ashamed to be with you, sir! I haven't been this embarrassed since I
was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into
Mr. Rimmer's soup.
[-- 10 - OB. A tourney at Camelot within the AR game ----------------------]
[In the grounds of a castle, a large pavilion has been set up, in which are
seated the King and Queen of Camelot. Peasants mill in front of the
pavilion, alongside soldiers and horses]
[KING, QUEEN, spectators present]
<A fanfare is trumpeted>
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
KING <addressing the crowd>
Is there any man, across the length and breadth of our great land, that
dare challenge the King's best knight?
[Enter KING'S KNIGHT]
[FX: Cheers rise from the crowd, and the knight raises a hand in
acknowledgement]
LISTER
I do, sir!
KING
And you are, sir?
LISTER
Lister, of Smeg.
KING
Good knight, do you accept this challenge from... 'Lister of Smeg'?
KING'S KNIGHT
I do, my King.
KING
And what do you claim if the victory should be yours, my lord?
KING'S KNIGHT
I claim nothing, sire. Serving the king is reward enough.
[FX: Cheers from the crowd and the knight holds up a hand modestly]
KING
And you... 'Lister of Smeg', what prize do you claim if you should defeat
my best knight?
LISTER
I claim, my lord, a night and a day in the bed of your good lady...
[FX: Shouts of outrage from the spectators]
KING
'A night and a day in the bed of my good lady'?
QUEEN <standing>
<French accented> We accept ze challenge...
KING
Do we?
QUEEN
Oui, we do.
[TWO-SHOT: In the pavilion, the KING stands to consult with the QUEEN]
KING
My lady, I think we should discuss this matter in private...
QUEEN
Do you not 'ave faith in your good knight, to cut this dog down where 'e
stands?
KING
I do! Sort of.
QUEEN
Zen we accept.
KING <still looking unsure>
Good knight - bring me this knave's manhood on a silver platter -
LISTER
'Ey, steady!
KING
- then disembowel him, and feed his innards to the crows!
[FX: Cheers from the crowd once more]
LISTER
This is worse than playing away at Leeds!
[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER, KING'S KNIGHT; departing to their horses]
<LISTER climbs into his saddle as a fanfare is blown>
QUEEN
When mah lace 'ankerchief, flutters onto ze ground, the challenge shall
commence!
[-- 11 - OB. Jousting range -----------------------------------------------]
LISTER
I just lurve that accent... rrrrrrarrr!
KRYTEN
If I were you, Mr. Galahad, sir, I'd concentrate on memorising your cheats
book.
<KRYTEN hands LISTER his helmet>
<MONTAGE: Dramatic music plays over the sounds of the crowd. A cheer goes
up as the QUEEN lets her handkerchief drop, and the two combatants square
lower their visors, raise lances, and charge>
LISTER
Cheat one: codeword 'steadcheat' Haa!
<As they charge, the knight's horse suddenly transforms into a miniature
Shetland pony. Lister laughs, throws down his lance and, as they pass,
draws a sword and lops off the knight's head. It flies through the air and
lands in the King's lap. He turns it around and stares at it incredulously
as Lister rides back to him and his Queen>
[-- 12 - OB. By the pavilion ----------------------------------------------]
[KING, QUEEN present]
[Enter LISTER, removing his helmet]
LISTER
I claim my prize, my lord.
<FX: Howls and shouts from the crowd as the Queen, smiling enigmatically,
makes her way out of the pavilion to join LISTER. Kryten hides his face
and the crowd boo and jeer as they walk off toward a tent. An anonymous
voice from the crowd may, or may not, be heard to shout "You slag!">
KING <calling after them>
You are the scurviest knave in Christendom! And I swear to you: your
scheme to seduce my fair lady will not succeed!
<KING holds up a solid looking key>
[FX: Cheers from the crowds]
LISTER
Cheat 2: codeword 'chastitycheat'
<The QUEEN suddenly stops walking and wiggles her hips. Something clangs to
the ground beneath her dress, and she steps forward uncovering a
now-unlocked metal chastity belt. Lister leads her into the tent, and
with great embarrassment, KRYTEN fussily closes the flap>
KRYTEN
Scum! Absolute scum.
[Exit KRYTEN]
KING
If he that calls himself Lister of Smeg has a grain of honour in his soul,
that tent will part this very instant -
[Cut to tent, which begins shaking rhythmically]. Cut back to KING]
KING
- and he will return to me my lady, and beg the King's forgiveness!
<The tent flap opens and LISTER pokes his head out>
LISTER
Has anybody got any whipped cream?
KING
'Whipped cream'?
[-- 13 - Ext. Deep Space --------------------------------------------------]
[ACE's Dimension jumping ship is streaming through space]
COMPUTER VOICE [VO]
Ace, we need to find a dimension close by.
ACE [VO]
Understood, computer. Prepare to jump.
<Space around the ship warps, and the craft blurs from view>
[-- 14 - OB. The AR tourney -----------------------------------------------]
[Scene cuts back to the AR game, viewpoint centered around the tent]
[KRYTEN present, outside the shaking tent, LISTER present within. Suddenly
all the scenery around LISTER and KRYTEN suddenly vanish, leaving them
alone in an empty field. LISTER is now wearing only a long undershirt and
looks very disappointed>
LISTER
Hey!! What's happening?
KRYTEN
Power failure, sir! Electrics are going down.
[LISTER and KRYTEN fade]
[-- 15 - Int. AR Suite ----------------------------------------------------]
[Sirens blare and alert lights are flashing madly. KRYTEN and LISTER remove
their electrodes and sensors. Along the way, LISTER has removed his pants
and has acquired an obviously designed device which fits over his
groin. Mercifully out of shot, he begins to remove it as they speak]
LISTER
The red, green, and blue alert signs are all flashing! What the smeg is
happening?
KRYTEN
Well, either we're under attack, sir, or we're having a disco.
[-- 16 - Int. Starbug corridor --------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, in 'maximum jog' mode, darts through a hatchway at the far end of
the corridor and waddles speedily towards camera, heading toward the
cockpit]
[-- 17 - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]
[Starbug caught in the midst of a rippling disturbance. The craft is being
buffeted violently]
[-- 18 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[CAT, RIMMER present. Both are attempting to coax some reaction from the
many consoles and panels ranged before them while avoiding showers of
sparks thrown out by the sensitive equipment. Sirens and alerts continue
to throw the scene into wild illumination, and RIMMER is spraying a
hand-held fire extinguisher liberally around the cockpit]
CAT
I'm locked out! Everything's dead! Steering's down, thrusters are down
and we're heading straight for that ion storm in sector 12!
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN, assuming stations]
RIMMER
Morning!
KRYTEN
What the smeeee is going on?
RIMMER
A power drain is knocking out all the generators!
LISTER
Cause?
CAT
An object of such awesome power and charisma it's flattened all the
grids! At first I thought it was me; turns out it's some kind of craft
Dimension Jumping.
KRYTEN
Any ident details?
RIMMER
The last time we came across a lunatic trying to pull a stunt like this it
was 'Captain Smug Git' himself: 'Ace Rimmer'. Dear God, don't make it be
him, I couldn't bear it.
CAT <into communications microphone>
This is the JMC transport ship 'Starbug' opening channels, please identify
yourselves.
[SHOT: Close up of a monitor panel; camera POV of ACE, seated in his craft's
cockpit]
ACE [Mic]
Well, I said I'd be back for breakfast, how're those kippers doing,
fellas?
<RIMMER begins head-butting his console in despair>
CAT
Ace, buddy! How're you doin'?
ACE [Mic]
All the better for seeing you, Cat old friend. Is that a new suit you're
wearing? Why, it's sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have
been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into
someone's eye.
CAT
Wow, that's sharp. Thanks buddy!
RIMMER
According to the log we're down to our last 3000 vomit bags. It'll never
be enough.
[-- 19 - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]
[Int. The recent miraculous expansion of Starbug has left it equipped with
a fully functional docking bay, which ACE's ship now occupies. Camera pans
by ACE's ship]
[-- 20 - Int. Airlock -----------------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present]
[Enter ACE]
LISTER
Ace - good to see ya! How're you doing?
<ACE shakes LISTER by the hand, almost giving LISTER whiplash>
ACE
Never better, Skipper. Sorry to DJ so close; ship's computer made a minor
calculation error. Poor thing's got a bit of a crush on me; it doesn't know
what day it is.
KRYTEN
So, what have you been up to, sir?
ACE
Nothing special. Saved a couple of universes, overthrown a few
dictatorships, turned down a heapful of marriage proposals, and had my
highlights done.
[Exit ACE]
CAT
What a guy!
[-- 21 - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]
[RIMMER present, seated at the main table and watching ACE's arrival on a
monitor screen. As he sees Cat leave the docking bay after ACE, he turns
the monitor off with a voice command, a disgusted look twisting face]
RIMMER
Off!
[Enter ACE, LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT]
ACE
So, what's new with you chaps? Arnie?
RIMMER
I've been pretty damn busy myself, actually. Let me see; I've begun
researching the definitive history of pockets, and, I've alphabetised our
entire stock of alphabet soup, grouping each individual letter together with
it's fellows.
CAT
I'll take you to the guest quarters, bud; we can catch up! For starters
you can tell me the name of your stylist!
ACE
Thanks Cat, but with your driving skills, you should be at the helm.
[CAT preens and begins to slink towards the cockpit]
ACE
Incidentally, it's AstroCuts, in the Theta sector, Dimension 24. Ask for
Alfonce.
CAT
Yeoooowww, yeeah!
[ACE starts to climb the stairs leading to the sleeping quarters]
ACE
Arnie, up for a stroll?
RIMMER
Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather smear my genitalia with fish paste
and dangle them in a pool of hungry piranhas.
ACE
I'll take that as a 'no', then.
[Exit ACE]
LISTER
Oh Rimmer, go with him.
RIMMER
I don't want to.
KRYTEN
But, sir, he wants you to.
RIMMER
And I want him to choke to death on his own smug gittyness. We don't
always get what we want.
LISTER
But Rimmer, he asked for you. He obviously feels some sort of bond.
RIMMER
The only 'bonding' I want to do with him involves a tube of superglue and
a rabid hamster!
<The others stare at RIMMER relentlessly>
RIMMER
Oh all *right*. I'm going. God!
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- 22 - Int. Corridor outside sleeping quarters --------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER, ACE]
RIMMER
Okay, allow me to show you to your sleeping quarters. They're about fifty
yards down there on the right. Bye!
[Exit RIMMER, through a hatch to a side corridor]
<ACE suddenly clutches his chest, letting out a grunt, and staggers. RIMMER
hears him and looks back through the hatch>
ACE
I think - I may need some help here, Arn.
[-- 23 - Int. Guest sleeping quarters -------------------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER, ACE. RIMMER drags the half-conscious ACE, slumped over his
hard-light shoulder, through the hatchway, and ACE collapses onto the bed]
RIMMER
I knew it! You pretend to be a big shot while they're around, but as soon
as no-one's watching you're as butch as an ice-skater's friend. What's the
problem? Travel sickness? The strap on your padded codpiece too tight
again?
ACE
Sorry to sound so damn melodramatic but, I'm afraid I'm... on the way out.
RIMMER
You're what?
ACE
About to visit the great airfield in the sky. Lose all my breathing
privileges.
RIMMER
You're dying?
ACE
You've got it, Arn. Your brain moves quicker than a nun's first curry.
RIMMER
You're really dying?
<ACE pulls himself up from the bunk and leans against the far wall of the
quarters>
ACE
Arnie, I want you to become the next Ace Rimmer.
<RIMMER laughs>
ACE
I mean it, Arn!
RIMMER
Are fevered rantings one of your symptoms?
ACE
The universe needs a chap to look up to. Someone to right wrongs, just
generally be brave, handsome and all-round magnificent.
RIMMER
And you think, I'm your man?
ACE
It's your destiny, Arnie.
RIMMER
What, to wind up looking like a reject from a Gay Pride disco?
ACE
You're just afraid, old son. Afraid that you're not good enough. You've
always wanted to play the hero.
RIMMER
I'm not you. I think we established that in your last visit.
<RIMMER turns and walks out>
ACE
I'm not the Ace you met last time, Arnie.
<Rimmer, almost through the hatchway, stops and turns back. A sudden flash
of pain causes ACE to clutch his chest and slump against the bunk>
ACE
He caught the business end of a neutron tank in Dimension 165. I'm a hard
light hologram, just like you.
RIMMER
Ace is dead?
<ACE forces himself to straighten and glares at RIMMER>
ACE
I took over from him, and I want you to take over from me.
[O/S: Ace opens his jacket and sickly green light spills out, beams eerily
illuminating Rimmer's shocked face]
RIMMER
My god! What *is* that stuff?
ACE <closing his jacket>
Light Bee's been hit pretty bad, it's a power leakage. Electro-magnetic
radiation; I haven't got long. About the time I usually like to spend
making love - say, 12 hours, maybe less. After that I'll be too weak to
train you.
<ACE leans forward on a table, his eyes boring into RIMMER>
ACE
What do you say?
[BEAT]
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- 24 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]
[Deep space. Starbug flies by a planet]
[-- 25 - Int. Medical unit ------------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, ACE present. ACE sits back on the diagnosis couch while LISTER
fiddles with controls and consoles]
ACE
It's part of the legend, I'm not the first Ace, not even the second.
There have been, well, let's just say 'more than a couple'. As one Ace
dies, he recruits his replacement from a parallel dimension; we all start
off as caterpillars and turn into butterflies.
LISTER
We're talking about a man who, at the first sight of danger, cowers under
tables with a colander on his head.
ACE
Skipper, you can't judge a book by its cover.
LISTER
And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book; for a start a book's got a
spine.
ACE
Let me train him, that's all I ask. Talk to him; persuade him.
[-- 26 - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]
[RIMMER present, seated at the table, reading a book]
[Enter LISTER]
<LISTER keeps bursting into subdued laughter, obviously finding something
very funny and making a bad job of trying not to show it>
RIMMER
What is it? What's the joke?
LISTER
Nothin', nothin'.
<LISTER heads into the galley section. He starts laughing again and stifles
it badly>
RIMMER
Well clearly it's not 'nothing'. Clearly you've just heard something
terribly amusing, clearly.
<LISTER takes a can of lager from the fridge>
LISTER
It's just that Ace has just told me about trying to get you to be the next
Ace Rimmer --
<LISTER bursts out in uncontrolled laughter>
RIMMER
Yes, sadly I've got to sort out my shoe collection, or I'd have jumped at
it like a shot.
LISTER
It's just, you, y'know? The next Ace... <laugh> The very idea.
<LISTER leaves RIMMER at the table and heads into the cockpit. Stung,
RIMMER follows him in>
RIMMER
It's not so ridiculous, Lister!
[-- 27 - Int. Starbug Cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, taking his seat with an amused smile]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
Other versions of me have turned into him. In fact, if I wasn't needed
around here so badly, I think I'd very likely take him up on it.
LISTER
Rimmer, don't take this the wrong way, but how could you be the next Ace?
I mean, you're a gutless, spineless, gormless, direction-less, neurotic,
underachieving, sniveling, cowardly pile of smeg. No offence, but get
real, man; most eunuchs have got more balls than you.
RIMMER
Well *that*, my fine, madras-guzzling friend, is where you are wrong,
because I've taken Ace up on his offer, and training begins...
<He checks his watch>
RIMMER
...right now.
[Exit RIMMER, leaving LISTER alone with his smile]
[-- 28 - Int. AR Suite ----------------------------------------------------]
[ACE, RIMMER present]
[Ace has patched himself and Rimmer into the AR machine. Each occupy one
seat of the machine]
[-- 29 - Ext. A mountain vista --------------------------------------------]
[ADO: ACE and RIMMER are both seated on flying carpets, sweeping speedily
high above a snow-covered mountain range]
[RIMMER, ACE present]
RIMMER
Er, why have you brought me here?
ACE
Take a look around, Arnie. The plateaux, the summit. This is where you
must be to become Ace Rimmer.
RIMMER
No, this where you must be to become Maria Von Trapp.
ACE
Just concentrate! Feel the wind on your face; *be* the wind, Arnie.
Unleash the wild power you know lurks inside you. Be the cougar running
free and unfettered through the mountains.
RIMMER
Be the what?
ACE
Come on, man, you can do it, concentrate!
<RIMMER's face scrunches up with effort>
ACE
See the cougar, Arnie? It's you; can you see it?
<In RIMMER's mind, a image appears of a hamster running purposefully within
it's little wheel>
RIMMER
Err, sort of.
[-- 30 - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]
[Deep space. Starbug flies by a planet]
[-- 31 - Int. ACE's Quarters ----------------------------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
Oh, I'll never be Ace! We tried, we failed! I give up.
[Enter ACE; walking with effort, he slumps against the entry hatch]
ACE
All your life you've given up.
RIMMER
Well, maybe after more training!
ACE
I can't keep up the dog and pony show any longer. It's now or never.
<ACE takes out a small device from his flight-suit>
RIMMER
What's that?
ACE
Light Bee Remote.
<ACE taps a button on the Remote, and RIMMER is suddenly dressed in a shiny
flight-suit like that of ACE. ACE throws the Remote onto the bunk, takes
a pair of shades from his suit and hands them to RIMMER>
ACE
If you can fool your crew-mates into thinking you're me, we'll know you're
ready.
<Unexpectedly, ACE removes his immaculately coiffured hairpiece and hands it
to a surprised RIMMER. RIMMER puts it on, backwards. ACE slumps onto the
bunk>
RIMMER <plaintively>
But I'm not ready!
ACE
Try it the other way around.
<RIMMER turns the wig around, and slips on the shades uncomfortably>
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- 32 - Int. Corridor within Starbug -------------------------------------]
<Left to himself for a moment within the empty corridors of Starbug, RIMMER
tries to get into the part of Ace Rimmer>
RIMMER <thickly accented>
"The name's Rimmer,"
<RIMMER tries to toss his hair, succeeding only in knocking his shades off
his nose>
RIMMER
Oh, this is ridiculous.
<RIMMER moves to head down the corridor, and a hatchway opens up ahead>
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Ah, Mr. Ace, sir. Everything okay?
RIMMER <in his usual voice>
What? Er, yes, Kryten. Krytie.
<RIMMER coughs exageratedly, his tone changing to as close to ACE as he can>
RIMMER
Uh-huh, yeah, everything's fine.
KRYTEN
Are you sure, sir, you sound a little different?
RIMMER
Errr, could you be more specific?
KRYTEN
Er, 67% more weasely.
RIMMER
Eeeeerrrrrrr, sore throat, er, sore throat. Er, um, bug going around, a
holographic virus. But it affects humans too. Arnie's got it. I've
quarantined him for twenty-four hours; no one's to go near him.
KRYTEN
Ah, I was just wondering, sir: we've run out of bacofoil about six months
ago; I don't suppose you have a spare jacket I might roast a chicken in?
RIMMER
Listen, you stupid, jumped-up little son-of-a -- Ohhhhhhh! Sorry, old
friend; afraid not, catch you later.
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- 33 - Int. Corridors outside AR suite ----------------------------------]
[RIMMER enters, still looking uneasy, and perhaps planning to return to
ACE's mountain simulation. He turns a corner and notices thick white smoke
roiling around the entrance to the suite. Puzzled he begins to
investigate. Suddenly, the door to the AR unit clangs open; and through
the smoke, a figure walks purposefully out. We see he is dressed in the
same armour and surcoat as the King's Knight from Lister's AR game. RIMMER
shrinks back against the wall, unsure of what is happening]
KING'S KNIGHT
I bid you good day, my lord. I come in search of the knave called 'Lister
of Smeg'.
RIMMER <noticing the knight's large sword>
Now wait a minute, old friend, let's just stay calm, shall we?
KING'S KNIGHT
Are you one of his household?
RIMMER
Errr, in a manner of speaking...
KING'S KNIGHT
Then prepare to die!
<Chivalrously, the knight tosses RIMMER a sword with which to defend
himself. Unprepared, RIMMER catches it blade first and holds it awkwardly
out in front of him. Without wasting any further time, the knight attacks
RIMMER, and they begin to fight. For RIMMER, this involves much
backpedaling and judicious amounts of dodging, though to his credit he
manages to successfully fence with the knight for a moment before being
forced back against a wall>
RIMMER
Let's talk about this shall we, over a pot of tea and some toasted
muffins?
<The knight dogs RIMMER relentlessly, his sword swinging and sending sparks
flying from storage compartments and access ladders. After fending off
another series of deadly swings, Rimmer again finds himself up against the
proverbial hard place>
RIMMER
Okay, how about some scones and clotted cream? Dundee cake? Battenburg??
<Again the knight presses forward his attack and RIMMER runs for his life.
In the midst of his panic he finds himself at the end of a corridor which
curves further into the ship. Beside him, on a shelf, is a chance of
survival; a chance of life; a bazookoid. Even as the knight is almost upon
him, RIMMER grabs the bazookoid, swings its barrel out in front of him and
fires a blast squarely against the knights chest, knocking the insane
attacker back. RIMMER cranks the loading mechanism, looses off three more
shots and the knight goes down, twitching and jerking>
RIMMER
My God! I did it!
[Exit RIMMER]
<Suddenly, the knight stands up. He strides over to the bazookoid used by
RIMMER, picks it up and ejects it's ammunition cartridge>
[SHOT: we see the word 'BLANK' written on the blue cartridge, which the
knight temporarily places on the bazookoid's shelf, before taking out a
second, red, cartridge]
[SHOT: we see the word 'LIVE' written on the red cartridge which the knight
jams into the bazookoid's ammunition chamber. He then picks up the
cartridge of blanks]
<The knights lifts his visor; it's LISTER>
LISTER <with KNIGHT's voice>
So far -
<LISTER removes a small metal voice-modulation device from his mouth>
LISTER
- so good.
[-- 34 - Int. ACE's Quarters ----------------------------------------------]
[ACE present, laid back on the bunk in obvious discomfort]
[Enter RIMMER, running and excited]
RIMMER
I did it! That's the most heroic thing I've done since I set fire to
Stinky Bateman's turn-ups in third from prep!
ACE
Well done, Arnie; you've done us proud.
Smoke me a kipper... I'll be back for --
<ACE's Light Bee crackles and hisses, and his image glows a ghastly white
before fading from sight. All that remains is the dead lightbee resting
on the bunk>
[Enter CAT, KRYTEN]
CAT
What's happenin', bro? What's happened to goalpost head?
RIMMER <softly>
No, you don't understand. It's not me, it's him.
KRYTEN
Sir, you're in shock - the trauma has made you speak like Mr. Rimmer.
CAT
What happened?
[Enter LISTER]
<LISTER approaches the empty bunk, sees the light bee, and picks it up>
LISTER
Ah, one of them knights has escaped from the AR machine. It's killed
Rimmer.
<He gestures meaningfully with the light bee in front of RIMMER's face>
LISTER
*Isn't that right, Ace*?
<RIMMER stares at LISTER, his expression unreadable>
[-- 35 - Int. Starbug corridor --------------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
LISTER
We should give Rimmer a decent send-off, y'know. It's the least he
deserves.
KRYTEN
I just can't believe it.
CAT
Neither can I. I was only insulting him just this morning.
KRYTEN
Poor Mr. Rimmer. I haven't felt this wretched since Spare Head #3 told me
the others held a poll, and voted *me* the 'big-eared, ugly one'.
[-- 36 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]
[Starbug flies through a ghostly illuminated nebula]
[-- 37 - Int. Gantry within Starbug ---------------------------------------]
[RIMMER present]
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
Heyy. Decided what you're gonna do?
RIMMER
I thought I'd stick around here for a bit. "Get the hang of the
character, as it were".
<LISTER smiles at RIMMER's impersonation, gazing all the while at a metal,
palm-sized device he holds in his hands. Rimmer notices it>
RIMMER
What's that?
LISTER
Ace asked me to fit it. Said it would take his coffin to its 'final
resting place', alongside all the other Ace Rimmers. He's left some more
beacons behind for the Ace's that follow you.
RIMMER
I'm getting cold feet, Listy. I'm not sure I can go through with it.
*Leave*, I mean. *Be* Ace.
LISTER
You heard what he said; it's your destiny.
RIMMER
It's my destiny to be a smug, self-satisfied git?
LISTER
Okay, so he was a bit full of himself, but you can be a different *kind*
of Ace, it's up to you.
Look, he said if you got cold feet we should follow the coffin. He said
it might make you change your mind.
[-- 38 - Room within Starbug ---------------------------------------------]
[The room, like all others within Starbug, is dreary, dirty and metallic,
though here a podium has been set up close to one wall, and a row of chairs
line another, in which the Dwarfers sit]
[KRYTEN present, standing at the podium. LISTER, RIMMER, CAT present,
seated. The mood is solemn, and even LISTER has dressed for the occasion:
he fidgets uncomfortably with the stick-on tie he wears over his t-shirt]
KRYTEN
We are gathered here today to say our final farewells to Mr Rimmer. On
occasion he was a small-minded, bureaucratic, incompetent, cowardly
little -- person, er, but he also had his good qualities.
CAT
Those *were* his good qualities!
KRYTEN
To say something about the finer side of his nature, I'd like to turn now
to Mr Lister.
<KRYTEN steps down, and he and LISTER, who obviously wasn't expecting this,
exchange places>
LISTER
Alexander the Great's chief eunuch has finally joined his master. The man
who kept his underpants on coat-hangers and sewed name labels into his ship-
issue condoms has gone. Life will never be the same.
We have lost the finest, the most dedicated vending machine repair man the
Space Corps - no, no - the *universe* has ever known. No one ever pressed
for a Coke, and got oxtail soup and orange juice by mistake on *his* shift -
well, actually, that's not true: we all did but what the smeg, this is his
eulogy.
He didn't have very many friends, but those that he did have were with him
at the end. Even Rachel, who I suppose in many ways is his widow.
[Camera pans along the seated Dwarfers, stopping at a fourth chair upon
sits Rachel, the inflatable doll, dressed in widow's black]
LISTER
See ya smeg 'ead.
CAT
Later, bud.
KRYTEN
Goodbye Mr. Smeeee Heeee.
RIMMER <voice cracking>
Bye, Ironballs.
LISTER
Finally this: When Rimmer originally died aboard Red Dwarf, Holly brought
him back as a hologram, to keep me sane - never an easy task. He succeeded
spectacularly, and for this accomplishment, we award him this: Kryten,
place *First Officer* Rimmer's decoration into the coffin.
KRYTEN
Right away, sir.
<KRYTEN lovingly lays the pips and insignia over the ruined lightbee and
closes the lid of the small unit. LISTER places it into the waste disposal
unit and solemnly ejects it into space>
LISTER
Gentlemen: First Officer Rimmer.
<LISTER leads the others in a full single-Rimmer salute>
ALL
First Officer Rimmer.
[-- 39 - Model/CGI sequence -----------------------------------------------]
[Following the coffin, it leads the Dwarfers through a swirling warp of
some kind before losing itself in amongst hundreds of other similar
capsules. The camera pans back and we see that the hundred are actually
thousands upon millions upon billions - panning out further and further
until the billions we saw are in fact a tiny piece of a huge glowing band,
a band which, in turn, is the majestic ring of an enormous gas giant>
[-- 40 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, RIMMER present]
RIMMER
All those Rimmers...
LISTER
They all did it. They all became Ace; passed on the flame. Are you
really gonna be the one to break the chain?
[-- 41 - Int. Starbug docking area ----------------------------------------]
[ACE's ship sits, powered up, on the launching platform, the newly-reborn
ACE RIMMER seated in the cockpit]
[ALL present]
ACE RIMMER
It's been a blast, fellers.
LISTER
Bye, man.
CAT
Bye, dude.
KRYTEN
Au revoir, Mr Ace, sir.
ACE RIMMER
Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas. Whatever.
<ACE RIMMER presses buttons on the ship's console in an apparent launch
sequence; suddenly his chair is ejected from the craft and he lands back
on the launching platform, a short distance from the Dwarfers. Picking
himself up quickly, he swaggers back to them>
ACE RIMMER
Just had to say one last goodbye!
<He shakes the hands of KRYTEN and CAT, and gives LISTER a quick hug>
ACE RIMMER
Seeya, Davey boy.
LISTER <grinning wryly>
Yeah, good luck, man...
[-- 42 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]
[Deep space. ACE RIMMER's ship sweeps across shot and away, leaving Starbug
to chug ever onward through space]
[---------------------- END OF "STOKE ME A CLIPPER" -----------------------]
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor
and Paul Alexander; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended.
Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk"
Thanks.]
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-47981179544511080102012-11-01T09:56:00.000-07:002012-11-01T10:01:21.182-07:00Season 7 Episode 1 - Tikka to Ride<pre>[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 7
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 1 -- TIKKA TO RIDE
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
[-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------]
[For the first time in RD history we have a full, pre-titles 'teaser'.
From black, the screen fills with kaleidoscopic swirls which resolve into
a picture of Lister, rotated 90 degrees]
[LISTER present, standing]
LISTER
Hello? Testing, 1-2-3. Hello?
<POV changes back to normal and we see LISTER examining a portable camera
lying on its side on a bench. He gives the camera two taps>
LISTER
Yeess! Well, here we go.
<LISTER picks up the camera and holds it out in front of him, pointing at
his head. He begins to walk through corridors>
Ship's log... erm... one. I've decided to keep a journal of life on board
ship, and send it off in a probe. Since turning 28 I feel a new maturity
about myself - in fact I can't even remember the last time I tried to
urinate on Rimmer from the top of D-deck - no, wait a minute... Friday. But
apart from that *one lapse*, maturity-wise I'm practically up there with Abe
Lincoln and Moses.
Now, just recently we came across a craft, piloted by ourselves from 15
years into the future. We had a bit of an argument, and they attacked us.
See attached:
<LISTER taps buttons on the camera>
[Cut to scenes from Out Of Time...]
RIMMER
Another lock!
<The comms channel barks>
LISTER
Incoming message...
[The screen resolves to a picture of the Future Rimmer]
[Small section of original script edited out from TTR]
FUTURE RIMMER (Mic.)
[...] Either you give us access to the data we require, or be prepared to
be blasted out of the sky...
[Large script chunk edited out of TTR - the ultimatum, discussion and
decision to fight; the Dwarfer's succesful opening rounds and, as Lister
fires the lasers, the first shot from the future crew which caused the
feedback loop that detonated the panel in front of him, killing him
instantly]
<A second hit destroys Cat's station, blasting him backwards to fall over
Kryten's panel>
RIMMER
Cat!!
KRYTEN
...Dead... but there may be a -
<A third hit rocks the 'Bug, and the complex equipment behind Kryten's head
overloads and explodes. Kryten slumps backwards, lifeless.>
RIMMER
Kryten... Kryten!
[Rimmer, in soul-consuming shock, scrambles over to the motionless
mechanoid, his hardlight hands grasping Kryten's shoulders, unable or
unwilling to accept the truth.]
RIMMER
There may be a *what*? A way out of this? Is *that* what you were gonna
say?? S-Speak, Kryten! *How* can we change what's happening!?
<Through his despair, an idea hits Rimmer, but from his expression it is
impossible to tell what he is thinking or feeling. He turns and stumbles
from the blasted cockpit into the Mid-section, somehow remembering to pick
up Lister's bazookoid before kicking open the hatch and charging down to
Starbug's lower levels.
Through corridors he runs, the tortured ship shuddering and tearing itself
apart around him. A corridor section collapses and a huge bulkhead crashes
down onto his hardlight back, but Rimmer is oblivious to the pain, one
thought blotting out all consciousness, he *must* reach the Time Drive.
Suddenly, he's standing in front of it. Rimmer raises the bazookoid.
Loads. Fires.
Incandescent light blasts from the ruptured drive, but our perspective
shifts into space, where a streak of red fire ploughs into the battered
ship.
This time, no resistance remains. Starbug loses it's fragile grip on
coherency and detonates utterly, with an explosion that matches a thousand
Death Stars. When the debris clears, and the light fades, Starbug is
gone; there is no indication that there was ever anything there...>
[Cut back to Lister making his recording]
LISTER
We were no match; they killed us, and destroyed everything on board ship -
including the Time Drive, which meant there was no Time Drive for them to
have in the future, to bring back into the past, [to] destroy the future of
their past selves in the present.
Put simply: by killing us they killed themselves, because once we were
dead it was impossible for us to become them in the future, and return in
time to kill ourselves in the past, even though it was the present.
<As LISTER's speech draws to a close the camera begin to emit a buzzing
noise. Suddenly it hisses, throws out sparks and blows up>
[Enter KRYTEN]
LISTER
Oh smeg!
KRYTEN
Have you been trying to explain about our future selves *again*, sir??
LISTER
I just thought I'd give it one more go -
KRYTEN
D'oh! That's the third camera this week! The machines just can't take it,
sir.
LISTER
But I'm only trying to explain why Starbug's damaged, despite the
timeline being erased; 'cos this reality's unstable, and anomalies have
merged from both dimensions to cope with the paradox.
KRYTEN
Oh! Garbled, confusing, and quite frankly duller than an in-flight
magazine produced by 'Air Belgium'! Now just state our position and
explain we're down on supplies.
[Exit KRYTEN]
LISTER
All right! All right!
[Exit Lister]
[-- 2 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------]
<Starbug flies by a planet and it's orbiting moon>
[-- 3 - Int. A Starbug console room----------------------------------------]
[Console-mounted camera POV. Camara crackles to life, showing LISTER
present, seated in front of console]
LISTER
This is Dave Lister of the JMC transport vehicle 'Starbug'. We're down on
supplies; we need help. Out.
<Camera crackles off> <Pause> <Camera crackles on>
LISTER
By the way, we're in space. Passed a sort of reddy moon a couple of days
ago, co-ordinates enclosed.
<LISTER taps at a keyboard, then holds up his fingers in an 'O' shape>
LISTER
It's about *that* shape. You can't miss it.
<RUN NEW RED DWARF 7 TITLE SEQUENCE>
[-- 4 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------]
[Starbug flying through space]
LISTER [VO]
Ships log, update: Friday, am. The battle with our future selves has had
the most terrible consequences...
[-- 5 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER present. Close two-shot]
LISTER
Wiped out..? Kryten, man, they *can't* be...
KRYTEN
I'm afraid so, sir. The laser cannon breached the main watertank and
flooded supply deck B. They didn't stand a chance.
LISTER
Yeah, but surely --
KRYTEN
There was *nothing* we could do to save them, sir.
LISTER
So, now we've got no poppadoms at all?
KRYTEN
No poppadoms, no curries, all the Indian food supplies have been totaled.
<LISTER sags down, clutching his guitar for security>
LISTER
I'll have to survive without them then... I'll have salads.
KRYTEN
Sir! You're in shock, you don't know what you're saying.
LISTER
After all it's only curry.
KRYTEN
'Only curry'? The enormity of it hasn't sunk in - you must mourn, sir.
Don't you see? You must mourn.
LISTER
Curries...
KRYTEN
Ohhhh sirr, get it out! Cry like a baby!
LISTER
What am I gonna do? Curry night was the one little beacon I had... made
me feel like a normal ordinary guy, not some sad freak stuck in deep space;
no woman, no hope, no curry.
KRYTEN
Worse still, a choice of only two alcoholic beverages: Cinzano Bianco, or
advocat. Its a human tragedy!
LISTER
No lager??
KRYTEN
Sir, there is nothing unmanly in howling like a hungry prairie dog.
LISTER
No lager!?
KRYTEN
*All* the supplies on B-deck were destroyed, sir. There wasn't even any
wreckage, no debris, zip.
LISTER
God... a few beers and a curry, it was the highlight of my week!
KRYTEN
I used to look forward to curry night too, sir. seeing your little face
all happy and smiling, come rain or shine we'd always make time for curry
night. Every Friday.
LISTER
Saturday.
KRYTEN
Sunday.
LISTER
Tuesday.
KRYTEN
Wednesday.
LISTER
Thursday. Always the same meal: three poppadoms with mango chutney -
KRYTEN
Those little onions -
LISTER
Dill pickle -
KRYTEN
That day-glow green mint sauce that just doesn't wash out -
LISTER
The red stuff that no-one knows what it is -
KRYTEN
Then a shami kebab starter -
LISTER
Followed by a chicken vindaloo, kamikaze hot, with a fire extinguisher on
stand-by.
KRYTEN
And two scoops of kofi ice-cream.
LISTER
And two indigestion tablets. <LISTER sighs heavily>
Life without curry? Its like Laurel without Hardy; the Lone Ranger
without... that Indian bloke.
KRYTEN
Perhaps, you could learn to love... pasta?
LISTER
Pasta. You sick?
[-- 6 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------]
<Starbug flies between a planet and it's orbiting moon>
[-- 7 - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER present, at stations. CAT and RIMMER each wear a black
armband]
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
You know the news? All the curry supplies have been destroyed.
CAT/RIMMER <pointing at armbands>
We heard.
RIMMER
As a mark of respect, we thought on Sunday at 12 o'clock we could have a
minute's flatulence.
LISTER
It's nothing to you guys, is it? It's changing my life!
KRYTEN
Sirs - the altercation with our future selves caused dimensional anomalies
which have expanded the cargo deck by 212%! We should ascertain that the
new structure is stable.
[-- 8 - Int. Cargo deck B -------------------------------------------------]
[ALL present. They stand at the entrance to the now-enormous cargo deck B.
Gently sloping, ridged walls bevel outwards then curl back in, rising to a
ceiling that towers above them, effectively forming a huge, flat-bottomed
cylinder. The back wall of the deck is an ethereal, corrugated blue
construction, and the floor is lost in thick mist which rises to their
knees. They begin to walk slowly through the deck.]
CAT
So let me get this straight: time has returned to the point before we
discovered the Time Drive, right? So what's to stop us going back on board
the Gemini 12 and picking it up all over again?
RIMMER
We have to avoid all forms of time travel; its the only way of breaking
our destiny line and ensuring we don't end up like our future selves.
LISTER
Yeah, but surely we can use the Time Drive if we're careful? You know, if
we don't abuse it the way our future selves did? You know, if we're
sensible and mature.
RIMMER
And do what?
LISTER
Go back in time to an Indian take-away and order 500 curries.
KRYTEN
Sir, the scheme is irresponsible, moronic, and preposterous!
CAT
All your hallmarks, bud!
LISTER
Look, one *really* big take-away order once every two years and our
problems are over.
CAT
*Your* problems are over? Our problems are just beginning.
KRYTEN
What about causality? Interfering in the past no matter how minutely
always alters the present. Cause, and effect!
LISTER <intently>
Look, I'm a curry-aholic! I've only got two tastebuds that work, I *need*
*curry*.
RIMMER
We can't afford to take any more chances. I say the Time Drive stays where
it is.
CAT
You know I'd rather wear sideways-pressed flares and a clip-on polyester
tie than agree with goalpost head, but this time he's right.
LISTER
Oh *okay*. Okay.
[-- 9 - Int. Somewhere within the newly expanded decks of Starbug ---------]
[ALL enter, climbing down a ladder positioned in front of a huge, backlit
convection fan, whose blades whirl lazily. The Dwarfers begin to walk
along another cylindrical corridor]
KRYTEN
Er, since that completes the B-deck inspection, sirs, permission to
off-line for the next twelve hours while I discard some old cache files?
CAT
How come you need more memory? Over the years, you've had more RAM than a
field of sheep!
KRYTEN
My head is littered with unnecessary information, sir. The ability to
sing the Bay City Rollers' greatest hits is no longer a priority. For most
cultural purposes, crooning "Bye Bye Baby" is more than sufficient.
LISTER
This clean up thing - how does it work exactly?
KRYTEN
I simply attach my RAM to the ship's computer and download the unwanted
files into its trashfile.
LISTER <thoughtfully>
Your RAM's in your head, isn't it? So you won't actually be using your
body, then?
KRYTEN <confused>
Why do you ask?
LISTER
Just interested. Robotics, it's fascinating, isn't it.
[ALL exit]
[-- 9 - Int. Night. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------]
[LISTER present. His alarm suddenly warbles, and LISTER wakes and silences
it. Accompanied by tense 'Indiana Jones'-style music, He quickly climbs
out of bed and leaves]
[-- 10 - Int. A Starbug console room --------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN present, sitting comatose at a computer console; his head is
connected to the console by a flexible spiral-twirled cord like that of a
phone handset. LISTER sneaks in, carrying a white plastic bag which he
places on a desk. He then unscrews KRYTEN's head, wire still attached, and
sets it down, then unwraps the spare head he brought with him and and
screws it on to KRYTEN's body. KRYTEN's eyes pop open]
KRYTEN
My heavens - I'm head head!
<LISTER clamps a hand over KRYTEN's mouth and pulls the chair away from the
desk so that KRYTEN, his arms flailing as he is wheeled back, can see him>
LISTER <urgently>
Shh! It's only temporary.
KRYTEN <sotto voce>
I don't understand.
LISTER
Look, I want to go back in time on a curry hunt. Kryten said "no way";
what do *you* say?
KRYTEN
I can't go behind Kryten's head; what would he say if he found out? It's
deceitful, wrong, and dishonest.
<Kryten pauses; glances around conspiratorially>
I'm in! Those are emotions I have longed to experience, but first, you'll
have to override my guilt chip and disable my behaviour protocols.
LISTER
Okay, show me how.
KRYTEN
Press the 'skull release' catch behind my right ear.
<LISTER flips up a panel of KRYTEN's head and props it up like the bonnet of
a car>
LISTER
Okay, here we go...
<SHOT: He eases out a black cylindrical unit and unclips a small piece from
it, placing it in a kidney bowl>
KRYTEN
My guilt chip.
No behaviour protocols... just call me "bad ass"!!
[-- 11 - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]
[Starbug does a fly-by between two planets]
[-- 12 - Int. Starbug Mid-section -----------------------------------------]
[RIMMER, CAT present, seated at the table; RIMMER engrossed with notes on a
clipboard. KRYTEN stands nearby, with an egg-whisk attachment plugged into
his groinal socket]
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
Hey, that smells good - what's for brekkie?
KRYTEN <now speaking in a much broader drawl>
Waffles, sir! Dripping in honey and jam, with three fried eggs on the
side, coated in cheese!
CAT
That sounds about as healthy as jumping off a cliff!
KRYTEN
Healthy? Who cares?? Pork away!
<KRYTEN punctuates this last with a pelvic thrust, then gyrates his hips
from side to side until his dangling attachment has enough swing to reach
his hand, whereupon he proceeds to whisk the three teas, liquid flying
everywhere>
LISTER <with emphasis>
So, um, Kryten - now that you've had time to think, what about that curry
hunt to the 22nd century?
KRYTEN
Ooh, I meant to mention that, yes. I over-reacted yesterday; on
reflection, I think it'd be quite safe.
<Kryten takes out a small packet from his attachment belt>
CAT
Safe?
RIMMER
What about causality?
KRYTEN
Causality? Well, okay, you know, one event causes another, okay, but
sometimes, you just gotta say: "The laws of time and space? Who gives a
smeg!"
<As LISTER begins to speak, KRYTEN takes what is obviously a ciggarette
from the packet and lights up>
LISTER
Okay, I think what Kryten's trying to say is --
CAT <pointing, amazed, at KRYTEN>
You're smoking!
KRYTEN
Oh, is my generator overheating again?
RIMMER
A cigarette!
KRYTEN <confused>
Do you want one?
RIMMER
Of course I don't want one!
KRYTEN
Do you want me to go outside?
LISTER <hurriedly changing the subject>
I think what Kryten's trying to say is that it's okay to go back in time,
and order a small lake's worth of vindaloo to go. Isn't that right?
<KRYTEN swings his dangling attachment up over his shoulder>
KRYTEN
You bet your ass!
LISTER
Okay, so lets navigate those unreality bubbles and do it! Kryten, can I
have a word...
[Exit LISTER, leading KRYTEN by the groinal attachment into...>
[-- 13 - Int. Starbug galley ----------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER enter]
LISTER
What is *wrong* with you? You don't smoke, you never say "bet your ass",
and you never use your groinal attachment to stir anybody's tea!
KRYTEN
I didn't get any error commands!
LISTER
Because you've got no behaviour protocols, you {spanner?}! Now get a grip
or we'll be rumbled.
<LISTER punctuates with KRYTEN's egg whisk, of which KRYTEN gives a defiant
spin>
[Exit LISTER]
KRYTEN
So uptight!
<KRYTEN picks up a Cinzano Bianco bottle and swigs down its contents>
[-- 14 - Int. A corridor aboard the Gemini 12 -----------------------------]
[Enter KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, CAT, the latter two in spacesuits. They pick
their way through a decaying and decrepit corridor]
<KRYTEN leads the group, enthusiastically humming an in-your-face type of
song>
[Exit KRYTEN]
RIMMER
What is wrong with that demented Tonka toy now?
LISTER
He's got a bit of a bio-glitch in his transponder calibrations. It's only
temporary.
[-- 15 - Int. Gemini Engine Room ------------------------------------------]
[They arrive in a small, box-shaped room. On the back wall is a big gash
which offers a panoramic view of the planet around which the Gemini 12
orbits. A bank of machinery is fitted on another wall of the room]
[ALL present]
LISTER
Heyyy, Mr. Timedrive.
<LISTER crosses to the machinery and pulls a piece out>
[Somehow, probably the result of another inter-dimensional anomaly, the
Time Drive has become a handheld unit, which LISTER now hands to KRYTEN]
LISTER
Okay Kryten, we want the Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant behind the JMC
building in London. Back table; quiet.
KRYTEN
I'll need a moment to acquaint myself with the controls -
RIMMER
But you've used it before?
KRYTEN
Have I?
<KRYTEN receives a discreet thump from LISTER>
KRYTEN
Oh, yes, of course I have. Sorry. How stupid of me. <ahem> Just
programming it now, matey boy.
<KRYTEN taps buttons on the controller>
[-- 16 - OB. Day. Broadway in an American city ----------------------------]
[MONTAGE: Crowds pack the street and the surrouding buildings, cheering and
waving, tickertape filling the air. A large entourage is rolling down the
street, police and security vehicles surrounding a black, open-top limo
which has small flags fluttering from its fenders. A well-dressed man sits
in the back seat with his attractive wife to his left, both waving at the
crowds.
Scene cuts to a man, alone in a storeroom of some kind. He has a gun; a
high-power rifle, into which he loads a round. He takes careful and steady
aim at the man in the car, and looses two shots in quick succession. Panic
breaks out below; security men rush towards the limo, while the man quickly
re-loads.
He aims his third shot, but just before he fires, four bolts of crackling
red lightning coalesce into the forms of four people. Two are dressed in
silver spacesuits; one a strange chunky costume; the last in a
comparitively normal uniform.
One of the spacesuited figures steps back to catch his balance, knocking
the gunman head first out of the window and sending his third shot wild.
LISTER and CAT remove their helmets, ALL oblivious to the recently departed
gunman.]
RIMMER <sarcastically>
Nice landing, Kryten - that was about as smooth as an Egyptian whiskey.
KRYTEN
Apologies, sir, I'm - ah, I'm not sure what I did then.
LISTER
This isn't right, where are we?
KRYTEN <consulting device>
Well, according to the Time Drive, the date is November the 22nd, 1963,
and we're in the city of Dallas.
CAT
How come? Gimme that thing!
<The gunman, who managed to grab the sill of the window while falling, is
trying to climb back up. SHOT: fingertips inching over the sill>
CAT
I've always been a bit of a technical whiz when it comes to these kinds
of gizmos...
<Cat bangs the drive off the open window which drops down and traps the
gunman's fingers>
CAT
Hmm, Dallas, '63 - no doubt about it.
[Scene cuts to outside the building]
<FX: Sirens wail are wailing in the street below. After freeing his
fingers, the gunman climbs up onto the ledge and tries to raise the window>
[Cut back inside]
LISTER
Dallas? Wasn't that that place where that American king got assassinated?
RIMMER
JFK.
LISTER
No, it was John something - not 'Jeff Kay'...
RIMMER
J - F - K, not 'Jeff Kay', you gimboid; like the airport. I did a paper
on him at school.
LISTER
I wonder why anyone would want to name their kid after an airport?
RIMMER
The airport was named *after* the president.
LISTER
All right!
[Scene again cuts to outside the building]
<FX: Sirens, crowd. The gunman inches along the wall to the right of the
jammed window, bending to try two more but failing to open them. As he
straightens up he almost loses his footing, and after calming himself he
pulls some cable running along the wall under the windows and ties it
around himself>
[Cut back to interior]
CAT
Where did this gunman dude shoot from anyway?
KRYTEN
Well, if my histo-chip serves me correctly, the gunman's location was in
the 'Texas Book Depository'.
<As CAT wanders away, KRYTEN suddenly does a double take as he notices the
floor to ceiling piles of boxes stamped: 'Texas Book Depository'>
[Cut to Ext.]
<The gunman inches back past the jammed window towards a second open window
further along, which is in the same room as the one the Dwarfers stand in>
[Cut back to Int.]
RIMMER
It was probably from this very window!
LISTER
What, do you reckon?
<Lister opens the window that Lee Harvey Oswald shot from and peers out,
just as Oswald climbs through the other window. Lister notices the cable
and tugs on it experimentally>
LISTER
Hey, what's this?
Hey, there's something on the end of this, giz a hand!
<Oblivious to the man just across the room from them, the Dwarfers tug on
the cable, pulling Oswald back out of the window and Lister with him>
LISTER
Pull, everyone, or I'm in trouble!
<The Dwarfers each take hold of the cable as in tug-of-war, but they are
still yanked forward. Lister piles into the raised window panes, the
others colliding with each other, and loses his grip on the cable.
Unbeknown to the Dwarfers, Oswald falls five stories down to street level>
LISTER <recovering and peering out of the window with the others>
Hey, what's going on down there? What're all those people doing gathered
around that giant pizza?
KRYTEN
That is *not* a giant pizza, sir.
LISTER
It's 8 foot across, man - don't you think that's giant? What kind of
pizza house have you been going to? 'The FatBastoria'?
CAT
Hey, look at this!
<Cat has found the rifle dropped by Oswald. The others seperate and Cat
brings the rifle with him as he looks down at the street>
CAT
I think we just pulled the gunman out of the window!
<As the implications begin to sink in to the Dwarfers, the door to their
room suddenly bursts open and two armed men, one a policeman, the other in
a suit, charge in.>
MAN
FBI! Drop the gun!
<CAT does so hastily>
CAT
Don't shoot!
FBI AGENT
Hands on heads!
<LIATER, RIMMER and KRYTEN follow instructions, CAT however covers the much
more important groinal area>
FBI AGENT
You are hereby charged with the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, who valiantly
tried to foil your attempt to assassinate the president. Thanks to
Mr. Oswald, the president is alive but wounded.
COP <spotting the Time Drive>
What is that? Some kind of weapon? Kick it over here!
<KRYTEN moves to comply, but instead deftly taps commands into the unit with
his boot. Red lightning carries their forms from where they, and after a
moment of confusion, the two armed men level their guns and fire, bullets
breezing through the recently vacated air with only milliseconds to spare.
To the side of the astounded officers, a spacesuit helmet carelessly left
on a box also crackles with lightning and disappears - the officers
succeeding only in slamming bullets into box which supported the helmet.
The perspective shifts. It's the same room, but the FBI agent and the cop
are gone.>
LISTER
Ohhhh! Nice one, Kryts.
RIMMER
Where are we?
KRYTEN <examining Time Drive>
It says 1966, I must have prodded us forward three years.
RIMMER
At least it'll give us time to analyse the original error.
<CAT, having ascertained that it is now safe to uncover his wedding tackle,
crosses to the window and looks out>
CAT
Hey, there's nobody here, the entire city's deserted...
[-- 17 - OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street ----------------------------]
[ALL present. They are walking slowly along a wide, pleasant street which
is completely devoid of any signs of life. Abandoned vehicles line the
side of the road, and a breeze blows old litter around. In the back of one
of the cars is an discarded newspaper - it's headline reads: "Millions flee
from American cities". It's like a scene from The Stand]
LISTER
I don't understand it, all we did is save Kennedy's life.
CAT
Is that bad? What kind of a dude was he?
RIMMER
He was a fine man.
[-- 18 - OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street ----------------------------]
[Scene cuts to a street further on in the city. All is the same as in the
previous street, with one exception: the dead body of a man lies
undisturbed on the pavement]
[ALL enter, CAT leading]
CAT
Look!
LISTER
Can you get anything for us from his scent?
<Cat sniffs along the man's body>
CAT
Male.
<He sniffs again>
Mid-thirties.
RIMMER
It looks like he was trampled to death in some kind of stampede.
<As they speak, KRYTEN notices a crumpled newspaper poking out from the
man's suit. He picks it up and begins to scan it>
KRYTEN
Just processing.
<KRYTEN's eyes flick quickly over the text>
I'll re-route the results through my chest monitor:
[As the others gather around, POV switches to a close up of Kryten's
monitor]
KRYTEN [VO]
"President Kennedy was impeached in 1964 for sharing a mistress with Mafia
boss, Sam Giancana. It was the biggest scandal in American history,
Kennedy was sentenced to three years in an open prison in July, '65.
J. Edgar Hoover became president; he was forced to run by the mob,
who had pictures of him at a transvestite orgy."
LISTER
So America had a president controlled by the Mafia?
KRYTEN [partial VO]
"Soon after the election, the USSR were allowed to install a nuclear base
in Cuba in return for Mafia cocaine trafficking between Cuba and the
States. With a Soviet nuclear base 30 miles from the US mainland, people
fled from all the major cities."
<The Dwarfers leave the body and continue along the street>
CAT
So am I right in thinking I could get a major nuclear explosion all over
this suit? Cos I'm telling you guys, that stuff does *not* dry clean!
RIMMER
Back to Starbug.
KRYTEN
Starbug isn't there. It doesn't exist.
CAT
What?
RIMMER
How come?
KRYTEN
Er, best guess: Kennedy's impeachment in '64 traumatised the American
nation, allowing the USSR to win the space race. In this reality, it was
probably the Russians who were the first to land on the moon.
CAT
So we're marooned.
LISTER
*How* was I supposed to know that chicken vindaloo was going to cause all
this.
CAT
But you guys said Kennedy was a great pres!
KRYTEN
He was!
RIMMER
He was also an inveterate womaniser; his affairs were legendary. They
never came out when he was alive.
KRYTEN
Every man has his weak spot - his 'Achilles heel'.
RIMMER
Kennedy's was just, higher up.
LISTER
If I'd known this was gonna happen, I'd have had an egg sarnie, and
finished the Cinzano.
Kryten, what've I done, man?
KRYTEN <unconcerned>
Well, you've brought the 20th century to the very brink of extinction,
sir. Gum?
LISTER
What is wrong with you? Where is your compassion? You've got about as much
warmth as a service station chip! That's right, you've no behaviour
protocols, have you.
RIMMER <approaching KRYTEN balefully>
Any you thought causality didn't matter? Every action we take, has
trillions of implications, how come you forgot that?
KRYTEN
Well, I didn't forget, sir, I just didn't *care*. I've got no guilt.
<At this, LISTER realises the game is up>
LISTER
Ah. I nicked Kryten's body. That's spare head 2; I removed his guilt
chip.
RIMMER
You, have altered the entire course of civilisation from the 20th century
onwards, you've brought the world to the brink of nuclear war, and worst of
all --
LISTER
I know, I know; I *still* haven't had a curry.
KRYTEN
No, worst of all, the Time Drive has frozen.
RIMMER
Let me see.
<Rimmer takes the Drive and gives it a cursory examination>
Do you think its because the sub-space conduits have locked with the
transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has
overloaded the time matrix?
KRYTEN
Ah, no, sir; I've just been jabbing it too hard.
CAT
So what now?
RIMMER
<sigh> We need to have time to figure out how to unfreeze it. I suggest
we, set up camp here for the night and perhaps *Kryten* can go and look for
some food?
KRYTEN
I'm on my way, sir!
[Exit KRYTEN]
[-- 19 - OB. Night. Around a campfire -------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, RIMMER and CAT present, sitting around a large open fire.
RIMMER is fiddling with the Time Drive while LISTER and CAT, having ditched
their spacesuits, tuck into hefty chunks of meat]
RIMMER
It's hopeless, I can't fix it. We're trapped...
<Rimmer drops the time drive down by the edge of the fire>
CAT
Chicken's good.
LISTER
Yeah, really good.
KRYTEN
That's not chicken, sir.
CAT
Oh, what is it?
KRYTEN
It's that man we found.
<LISTER and CAT suddenly stop chewing, their mouthfuls of meat turning to
poison...>
Well, it seemed such a waste to leave him lying there when he'd barbecue
so beautifully.
RIMMER
<sniggers quietly>
KRYTEN
Did I do wrong? I didn't get any error commands...
<LISTER and CAT let their half-chewed mouthfuls dribble out in disgust>
Obviously I thought about it, because without my guilt chip or moral
imperatives, I have nothing to guide me. But it seemed to me that if
humanoids eat chicken then obviously they'd eat their own species; otherwise
they'd just be picking on the chicken.
RIMMER <highly amused>
One minute you're down, the next you're right back up again.
LISTER
I said I was enjoying that!
CAT <abosutely horrified>
I knew it didn't smell right! Oh my god...
LISTER
I'm a cannibal!
<Unexpectedly, blips suddenly issue forth from the Time Drive down by the
fire. It's obviously 'thawed out'>
RIMMER
Look!
CAT
Right, lets get out of here! I badly need to floss a piece of roasted
dead person out of my teeth!
RIMMER
Where to?
KRYTEN
Hawaii. Let's catch some surf!
LISTER
No, no, we've got to go back; stop ourselves from interfering with the
assassination.
CAT
I don't care where we go, just as long as it's before we had dinner!
[-- 20 - Fifth-floor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository -----------]
[ALL present, sat together around a box of books playing poker. Tense music
plays, and a clock on the wall shows the time as 1:27pm.]
[Enter OSWALD]
<KRYTEN, with his back to the would-be gunman, shields the angles of his
head with one hand. Oswald, upon spotting the Dwarfers, uses the long case
he carries on his shoulder to awkwardly cover his face>
CAT
Decorators. Try up on the sixth floor.
[Exit OSWALD]
<With the gunman gone, the Dwarfers move to the window to view the street>
KRYTEN
Stand back, sir, our original selves are about to beam in. When they
realise their mistake they'll beam out again. I propose *we* go down to the
fourth.
[-- 21 - Fourth-floor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository ----------]
[ALL enter. A room very similar to that up on the fifth.]
<From outside we hear a gunshot, and the Dwarfers rush to the window>
LISTER
First shot!
<...a second and third shot rings out. Again, there is noise and commotion
from the street below>
[Cut POV to outside of building, looking at the Dwarfers at the window]
CAT
It doesn't smell right, I think he's missed!
RIMMER
How come?
KRYTEN
He's right, sir. By sending Oswald up to the sixth, we've made the
trajectory of his shot so steep he's only wounded him.
RIMMER
Let's start again, and bring him back down to the fifth.
LISTER
We can't use the fifth: our original selves are destined to beam in there
as he fires his third shot, and this version of us are now on the fourth.
CAT
We've been copied more times than that poster of the tennis girl
scratching her butt.
LISTER <scanning the street from out of the window>
If we could arrange, somehow, for a second gunman to fire from just behind
that little hill over there covered in lawn...
KRYTEN
You mean the, er, the grassy knoll, sir?
LISTER
That'd solve it, wouldn't it?
CAT
Shoot the pres?? Who?
RIMMER
You can count me out.
CAT
And me.
[Cut to inside of room]
LISTER
Hang on... maybe, just maybe there's someone who can get us out of this
mess.
RIMMER
Where are we going?
LISTER
Idlewild airport, July, '65...
[-- 22 - OB. Day - A runway at Idlewild airport ---------------------------]
<We see a handcuffed JFK being led down the stairs from a plane and loaded
into the back of a prison truck. As police lock up tyhe truck, the
Dwarfers beam in, nearby the stationary aircraft.>
[ALL present]
LISTER
This is right. He's being escorted to Hoover open prison in New York.
Give me *five minutes*.
<LISTER manipulates the drive, and the red lightning beams him out]
[-- 23 - Int. JFK's prison truck ------------------------------------------]
[JFK present]
[Enter LISTER, beamed in by the Time Drive to the bench seat opposite JFK]
LISTER
Don't be alarmed, sir, but I have a very strange tale to tell.
[FADE. Time passes. Picture returns as Kennedy is speaking]
JOHN F. KENNEDY
I, ah, have had plenty of time to reflect on my deeds in the Whitehouse.
In all important respects I believe I did a good job. It was right to plan
a pull out of Vietnam, to fight for civil rights, and, ah, to fight
congress, ah, to put a man on the moon. It was, ah, wrong however, to, ah,
act like an irresponsible jackass with all those women, and allow my enemies
to wreak havoc on our nation.
LISTER
But I can help, man. I mean, Mr. President, man. I mean, sir.
KENNEDY
How, ah, can you help?
LISTER
Well, come with us back to Dallas, November 1963, be a second gunman. The
gunman behind the grassy knoll.
KENNEDY
You mean, assassinate myself?
LISTER
Yeah! It'll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy, but they'll never figure it
out.
KENNEDY
But I, ah, still have a future here. Jackie left me, but, ah, when I get
out I can, ah, still make a contribution to the world.
LISTER
See this airport, Idlewild airport? In our reality they renamed it 'JFK',
after you. Where I come from you're a liberal icon, and that's the person
you should be. If you're gonna be that person, you're gonna have to
sacrifice your life.
KENNEDY
And only then will my reputation be restored in history?
LISTER
Mm. And I can get a smeggin' curry.
KENNEDY <distantly>
Ask not what your country can do for you... ask what you can do for your
country.
LISTER
Hey, that'd make a pretty neat speech, that.
KENNEDY
It did. Heh heh.
[-- 24 - OB. Day. Behind the grassy knoll in Dallas, 1963 -----------------]
[All present. JFK present, he and KRYTEN dressed in policeman's uniforms]
<JFK swallows the last of his bottle of Coke, and sets it down. LISTER
hands him what looks like an M-16 rifle, and nods towards the street
meaningfully>
[MONTAGE. We see the parade roll through the main street once again; Oswald
lining up his shot from the sixth floor of the Texas Book Depository and
JFK tracking his own vehicle as it moves slowly down the road. Oswald
fires his first two shots, wounding the president as before. This time,
however, Kennedy himself takes aim from the grassy knoll - firing his shot
moments after Oswald's third, and leaving what would turn out to be a nasty
mess on Jackie O's suit...
Kennedy lowers the gun and turns away, clearly disturbed, but unreadable
beyond that]
KENNEDY
I, ah, thank you all for giving me the opportunity to, ah, be reborn.
<JFK walks slowly away from them towards a line of parked cars. After a
short time, he fades from reality. The Dwarfers turn away, leaning against
a high fence that looks out onto the street>
LISTER
Smeg! I forgot to ask if there are any curry houses in Dallas!
<CAT, RIMMER and KRYTEN exchange glances. CAT makes a subtle gesture with
his head and KRYTEN nods; after all, there's only so much you can take of
one person... CAT turns and walks behind LISTER, whistling innocently.
As RIMMER turns to follow him, he suddenly grabs LISTER and pulls him to
the ground - the three of them quickly laying into the curry-deprived one
with everything they've got. The nightstick that Kryten carries come in
particularly useful...>
[------------------------- END OF "TIKKA TO RIDE" -------------------------]
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-88006770460250495942012-11-01T09:54:00.001-07:002012-11-01T09:54:17.688-07:00Season 6 Episode 6 - Out of Time<pre>RED DWARF -- Season 6, Episode 6 -- Out of Time
1. Shot of Starbug moving through space.
2. Mid-section --
Rimmer (in his blue hardlight uniform) walks into the Mid-section
just off the cockpit. The rest of the crew are sitting at
the table.
Rimmer: Gentlemen, thank you for attending the meeting. Now, let
me begin by saying that it can't have escaped anyone's attention
that things have been getting rather strained around here of
late. It's no secret that morale is on the floor. We've lost
all trace of Red Dwarf, tempers are strained, and supplies are
low. So, I've decided, if it's all right with you, to appoint
myself morale officer, and set myself the task of raising the
spirits and improving the atmosphere all 'round. Now, to kick
off, I thought it would be productive if we all met once a week
and have a coffee or a beer, whatever's your poison, and get any
problems we may have off our chests. Any objections?
Lister and Cat look at each other and agree.
Kryten: Sounds like a very good idea, sir.
Rimmer: Well, as it's week one, why don't I start? Do you know
what it is about Lister that really makes me want to puke? That
really makes me want to stab him in both eyes with an icepick?
Everything, that's what. Especially his godawful chirpy gerble-
faced optimism. And as for the Cat, what an unbelievable git.
And Kryten, if he doesn't change pronto, I swear I'll attach
jump-leads to his nipple-nuts and fry him like a cajun catfish.
Well, I think that's cleared the air. I don't know about you
but I certainly feel better. And thank you for your
contributions, gentlemen. See you at next week's morale
meeting. Marvellous! (Goes up the stairs)
Lister: Good meeting.
Cat: What's eating him?
Kryten: Well, I'm no psychologist, sir, but maybe the bleak
lonely pointless emptiness of our hopeless futile predicament is
beginning to get to him.
Cat: You can always tell when he's tense. The way he scrunches
up a cup and throws it in the bin. And we're not talking
styrofoam here. We're talking enamel.
Lister: And he attacked me with that fridge.
Kryten: What happened?
Lister: He just wrenched it off the wall and tried to insert it
in me.
Kryten: What did you do to upset him?
Lister: Absolutely nothing. I was just sitting there minding my
own business, plucking out my lengthier nostril hairs, preparing
to cook [eggs donalds]
Kryten: Extraordinary. It's so unprovoked.
Cat: The guy's so touchy. If I tried to force-feed you a
refrigerator every time you did something gross, you'd have to
go on a fridge-free diet.
Lister: You know what the problem is. Every day it's the same
old slot in deep space. No variety. Take Christmas. What did
we do Christmas day?
Kryten: Oh, ah, you remember, sir. Christmas day, we were
attacked by that pan-dimensional liquid beast from the Mogagon
Cluster.
Lister: Maybe that wasn't such a great example. I'm trying to
say our lives are dull, repetitive. We never take time out to
smell the roses. We never celebrate anything.
Cat: We got nothing to celebrate with, bud.
Kryten: Oh, not true, sir. There's a whole case of that wine I
brewed out of urine recyc, just lying there, practically
untouched.
Lister: Call me pretentious if you like, but for me, a truly
great wine should not leave you with a moustache that you can
only remove with turps.
An alarm sounds.
Kryten: Autopilot alert.
They hurry toward the cockpit. Rimmer runs down the stairs to
join them.
3. Cockpit --
They hurry to their usual seats in the cockpit: Lister and Cat in
the front, Rimmer and Kryten in the back.
Cat: Storm front ahead. Switching to manual.
Lister: It's a big one -- too late to go round! It's right on
us!
Kryten: Stellar fog -- tightly-packed particles from an exploded
supernova. Our scanners won't be able to penetrate more than a
few metres.
4. Shot of Starbug entering the large dust-cloud.
5. Back to the Cockpit --
Cat: Slowing to minimum.
Rimmer: Gentlemen, absolute concentration til we get through this
squall. There could be anything lurking out there.
Cat: Don't worry, bud. If there's anything out there, we'll spot
it.
We see a quick jolting effect, with the camera seeming to come
towards the crew and then away again, while the crew are thrown
about in their seats.
Sparks come out of Lister's console. They hit his right shoulder
and we can see his jacket rip.
Rimmer: Anyone hurt?
Cat: No, but my pride sure needs mouth-to-mouth.
Kryten hurries over to the unconscious Lister.
Kryten: Mr. Lister, sir! He's out cold!
Cat: All stop. Let's get him up to the obs room.
6. Obs room --
Lister is unconscious on the observation table. Kryten is
cutting the skin on Lister's injured right upper arm with a pair
of operating scissors. Rimmer and Cat stand nearby.
Rimmer: How is he?
Kryten: Not good, sir. Perhaps you'd better look away. I
know -- I know you can't stand the sight of blood.
Rimmer: Don't worry, Kryten. It's okay when it's Lister's.
Kryten: Impossible! (draws back in surprise)
Cat: What?
Kryten: Look!
A closeup of Lister's arm. Under the skin, we can see wires and
flashing lights.
Kryten: Mr. Lister is a droid!
Rimmer: He's a what?
Kryten: There's no doubt about it. He's entirely mechanical, a
3000 series. Made in Taiwan. Look! Look, he has a 24-hour
callout number.
Rimmer: I'm sorry, I'm not buying this. I mean, who created him
and why? And what's his mission? To rid the universe of
chicken vindaloo?
Cat: This doesn't tie up. If he wasn't human, I'd have known by
his scent.
Kryten: X-rays confirm it.
Kryten holds up an x-ray. On one side is the outline of a human
body. On the other side is what looks like the machinery from a
generator.
Kryten: This is so strange. Mr. Lister's always been an icon of
mine, and now I found he's an earlier model, and technically I
outrank him.
Rimmer: An earlier model? Then how come he looks so much more
sophisticated than you?
Kryten: Sir, just because I have a head shaped like a freak
formation of mashed potatoes does not mean that I am
unsophisticated.
Rimmer: Alright then, why does he look more realistically human?
Kryten: Humans have always found exact duplicates rather
disturbing, sir. The 3000 series was notoriously unpopular.
Most of them were recalled. A few slipped the net and went
undercover to make new lives in society.
Cat: Do you think he knows?
Kryten: Unlikely. He probably reprogrammed his own memory to
escape detection.
Cat: This is going to crack him up, devastate him! Who's going
to tell him?
Rimmer: I'll write you into my will if you let it be me.
Kryten: I suggest you leave this to me, sirs. I'll have a talk
with him droid-to-droid.
Rimmer: Okay. We'll get going and try to get out of this damn
fog before it drains our solar batteries.
Rimmer and Cat leave as Lister revives.
Rimmer: What happened? What hit us?
Kryten: Something in the stellar fog, sir, didn't show up on the
scans. Sir, do you remember who your parents were?
Lister: Kryten, you know I don't. I was found under a pool
table, in a box.
Kryten: Did anyone ever tell you what was written on that box?
Were the words "kit" or "paint before assembly" written on the
side? It's just that while you were under, we discovered
something rather disturbing about you.
Lister: It's that tatoo on me inner thigh, isn't it? Well, I
don't really love Peterson -- he just got me so drunk that I
didn't know what I was doing.
Kryten: It's not the tatoo, sir. There's no easy way of breaking
this gently. I'm afraid, sir, you are not human. You're a
droid.
Lister: I'm a what?
Kryten: You're a mechanical, 3000 series. Technically
subordinate to me!
Lister: What does this all mean?
Kryten: Well, in broad terms, I get the front seat in the
cockpit, and you're in charge of the laundry!
Kryten hands Lister a basket of dirty laundry.
Kryten; And I want to see creases!
Lister: Kryten, have a heart, man. I'm in major stress-related
shock here. [Emotional] overload.
Kryten: You're a droid -- you don't have real emotions. It's
just syntha-shock. Now stop thinking like a human and go about
your duties.
Lister: Kryten, Why are you being so heartless?
Kryten: Fine, I'll tell you. You encouraged me to break my
programming and ape human behaviour. Now I find out you're no
better than I! But worst of all, the most bitter pill to
swallow, for four long years, I had to hand-scrub the gussets of
your longjohns. Now, unless you want to wallow in the eternal
fires of Silicon Hell, I suggest you bring a tray of
refreshments up to the cockpit, pronto!
Kryten leaves. Lister looks confused but resigned to his new
role. He smells a sock from the basket, and the smell makes him
turn quickly away.
7. Cockpit --
Rimmer and Cat are in their regular seats. Kryten is in Lister's
seat.
They hit another jolt.
Rimmer: What was the jolt?
Cat: It's a mystery, bud. Nothing on the scanners, nothing on
visual.
Rimmer: It's like we've gone through some sort of energy
pocket. Still, it looks like we're out of it now.
Kryten: Better run a crosscheck and see if this phenomena is
mentioned in of our databases.
Enter Lister with a plate. The plate has three cups and a pile
of sandwiches.
Lister: Tea, all! Sorry I took so long but I didn't know where
anything was.
Kryten: Let me see that tray, please.
Lister: Why?
Kryten: That's "why, Mr. Kryten sir" ... You call those
triangular sandwiches? Did you use a z-square? I think not!
And the chocolate fingers display is laughable. Don't just pile
them higgledy-piggledy onto the plate. Make them into an
attractive interlaced log cabin structure or something. This
will just not do! Kindly return to the gallery and start again.
Lister: Okay ... sir. (mumbling) This doesn't feel right ... Not
right at all ...
Lister leaves.
Rimmer: What a charlatan all these years.
Cat: Any idea what hit us yet?
Kryten: Wait, wait, here's something. (checks computer) Reports
of artificial stellar fogs which contain reality mindfields.
Cat: Reality what?
Kryten: Bubbles or pockets of unreality which when encountered
create false realities designed to disorient and drive off
potential looters.
Rimmer: From what?
Kryten: It's a defence device fitted to space corp test ships
which are fitted with prototype drives so awesome in their power
that they have to be safeguarded at all costs.
Rimmer: So we just crashed through an unreality pocket?
Kryten: Which created a false reality making us believe Mr.
Lister was ... Oh my ...
Long pause while Kryten realizes what he's done. He nervously
twiddles his fingers in an impression of Stan Laurel.
Cat: You mean he's not a ...
Kryten: No ...
Lister enters again. This time the tray has a very elaborate log
cabin made from chocolate bars. There are even a green tree and
fence.
Lister: Tea's upstairs.
Kryten: Sir, I, ah ...
Lister: What do you think of the picket fence? (Kryten hides his
face in shame) I'm not happy with it meself. But I'll go away
and do it again if you want.
Kryten: Sir, may I see your arm? (Through the rip in Rimmer's
jacket can be seen undamaged skin)
Lister: Smeg! It looks normal -- human!
Kryten: Someone else tell him. (looking as if he could burst
into tears) I've got gussets to scrub!
8. Shot of Starbug moving through the fog.
9. Cockpit --
Lister is back in his seat. Rimmer and Cat are in their seats.
Enter Kryten with a can of beer on a tray. Lister gives him the
cold shoulder.
Kryten: I wondered if you felt like a nice cold beer, sir?
Lister takes the beer but gives Kryten a look cold enough to
freeze Kryten's circuits.
Kryten: (frantic voice) Oh sir, how many times can I apologize?
I have offered to mince myself. What more can I do?
Lister: Don't worry -- I'll think of something ... probably
involving a bowl of water, a poker, a recharge socket, and 4000
volts of direct current.
Kryten: (sounding very worried) Oh! (takes his seat)
Rimmer: This fog's getting worse. I say reverse out now before
it's too late.
Cat: I hate to agree with Old Laundry-shoot Nostrils, but he has
got a point. The scanners are out and my smell range is
practically zero.
Lister: Starbug is small. We can probably pick our way through
without hitting any more unreality bubbles. Someone's gone to
plenty big trouble to keep space craft out of here, and it's got
to be worth finding out why.
Rimmer: But how can we guarantee we'll ---
They hit another bubble jolt.
Cat: We hit one!
Lister: We hit one!
Cat: That's what I said.
Rimmer: Where's the Cat?
Cat: I'm here.
Kryten: They've taken the Cat! He's gone!
Cat: I'm not gone -- I'm here!
Lister: Someone just erased him from existence.
Kryten: Then how come we still remember him?
Rimmer: Remember who?
Kryten: I don't remember.
Cat: Hey buds, don't do this to me! You can't forget me -- I'm
unforgettable!
Lister: I don't get this! We're passing through an unreality
pocket and everything's normal!
Cat: What do you mean everything's normal? I feel invisible!
Kryten: This doesn't make any sense! All systems check. The
three of us are here as normal.
Cat: The four of us! There's four of us! Look! I'm here!
Can't you hear me, can't you feel me?
Cat shakes Lister.
Lister: We're getting some [bumping in]!
Kryten: Passing back into normal space.
They hit another jolt. Lister realizes Cat is shaking him by the
shoulder.
Lister: What are you doing?
Cat: Can you see me?
Lister: Of course I can see ya.
Cat: You all forgot who I was. Don't you remember? This is too
weird in here. Let's quit while we can.
Lister: What we have to do is keep our heads.
Another jolt. This time, their heads change. Lister's head
becomes that of a wolf, Cat becomes a deer, Rimmer a fox, and
Kryten a rooster.
Cat: Boy! This is worse than triple-strength catnip!
Another jolt returns them to normal.
Kryten: The pockets are getting denser and closer together.
We're never going to ---
Another jolt. Starbug disappears. All that is left is the
crew and their chairs moving through space.
Kryten: -- make it!
Rimmer: We can't take much more of this.
Lister: Well, just ignore it. All these unreality pockets are
designed to make you feel absurd and disorientated.
Cat: He's right! Let's just keep going and we'll get out the
other side.
Another jolt and they're again back to normal.
Rimmer: All ahead stop. We have got to talk. Kryten, how far
would you say it is to the epicentre?
Kryten: At our current speed, about another three days, sir.
Lister: (resigned) Okay, you win. Let's get out of here.
Kryten: Perhaps there is one possibility.
10. Obs Room --
Lister and Cat are lying on the lower bunk. Kryten finishes
pushing numbers on the cryogenic panel.
Kryten: That's it. I've installed a temporary stasis seal on
both deep sleep units, so in theory at least, time will be
frozen, and neither reality nor unreality will be able to
penetrate.
Lister: See you in three days?
The bunk rises.
11. Shot of Starbug leaving the fog. It approaches a huge space
station.
12. Obs Room --
Lister leaves the bunk and joins Rimmer and Kryten at the
computer.
Lister: Where are we? Did we make it?
Kryten: We successfully penetrated the mindfield, sir. We're
through to the epicentre.
Rimmer: So what was it protecting?
Lister: Derelicts! According to the computer, it's from the 28th
century. And it's capable of time travel?!
Rimmer: Crew?
Kryten: All dead. This was the maiden voyage. They contracted
an influenza virus on an incursion to the 20th century. Before
they died, they programmed the autopilot for deep space and
generated the mindfield to prevent the machine from falling into
the wrong hands.
Lister: Does this mean what I think it means? We board it, strip
out the drive ---
13. Starbug engine room --
The crew are grouped around the newly-installed time drive.
Lister: -- and bingo! We've got ourselves a time machine!
Cat: Let's see if the sucker works!
Kryten taps instructions into a remote control.
14. Cockpit --
Kryten: Sirs, choose any year.
Rimmer: Since we can't guarantee this time drive is going to
function properly, I suggest we select a neutral time period for
our first jaunt.
Lister: He's got a point. Let's go to someplace nice and safe
and dull. How about 1422?
Cat: How about 1421?
Lister: What's the difference?
Cat: No difference. I just wanted to make it look like I was
paying attention.
Rimmer: Load 1421, Kryten.
Kryten: 1421 loaded, sir. August 17th. Engaging the time drive.
Kryten pushes buttons on the remote control. The screen is
filled with a flash of red light.
Lister: Hey, we did it!
Kryten: Indeed we did. All the ship's chronometers indicate that
this is August the 16th, in the year 1421, just one day out.
Rimmer: Give us visual. Let's see what it's like out there.
Lister: Okay, punching it up.
15. Quick shot of empty boring space.
16. Back to the Cockpit --
Lister: Again? We're still where we were!
Kryten: Of course. We're still in deep space, sir, only now
we're in deep space in the 15th century. Isn't it wonderful?
Rimmer: So we're still three million years away from Earth?
Kryten: Well, yeah.
Lister: Taking her back to the present.
Kryten: Keyed in. Engaged.
Flash of red light again.
Rimmer: So ... forgive me if I'm being thicker than the offspring
of a village idiot and a TV weathergirl, but what exactly was
the point of that little exercise? Fun though it was drinking
in the heady medieval atmosphere of pre-Renaissance deep space,
the drive is next to useless, yes?
Kryten: Well, at the moment, yes, but should we ever acquire a
faster-than-light drive, we will have the combination to travel
anywhere and anywhen.
Cat: Picking up a craft.
Rimmer: He's right. Some kind of craft. Small. Here it comes.
Lister: It's a Jupiter Mining Corporation core sign. Some kind
of transport vehicle: colour green, lifeforms four ... craft
name "Starbug"?!
Cat: Call me crazy, but that all sounds weirdly familiar. Who is
it?
17. Shot of Starbug moving through space.
18. Cockpit --
Lister: It's us from the future! Hey -- incoming SOS message!
Kryten: Don't punch it up! Close com!
Lister: Why?
Kryten: If that vessel is this vessel, sir, it almost certainly
contains our future selves. The implications of making contact
could be devastating! The human brain is not designed to cope
with knowing its own future.
Lister: Yeah, but Kryten, obviously we've been in some kind of
major trouble. Otherwise we wouldn't have shown up.
Rimmer: No, Kryten's got a point. It's too dangerous to make
contact. What if we discover that one of us is dead? Who could
handle that?
Cat: We all could if it was you.
Lister: They're trying us again! Come on, they're in trouble!
We can't just leave them out to dry!
Kryten: Well, in that case, sir, I suggest that I am left alone
to make contact. I can give them whatever assistance they
require, then erase my memory of the entire event.
19. Shot of both Starbugs side-by-side in space.
20. Kryten is now alone in the cockpit.
Kryten: Open com. Present Starbug calling future Starbug. We
are ready to communicate.
21. Mid-section --
Kryten walks in from cockpit to join his crewmates.
Lister: Well, how did it go? Everything okay?
Kryten: (very sadly) Mr. Lister, sir ... (hugs Lister) I love
you! You know that, don't you? I'd hate you to ... go anywhere
without knowing that, sir.
Lister: (after a shocked and worried pause) So what's the SP,
Kryts? Can you tell us anything?
Kryten: A little, sir. They are indeed our future selves from
some fifteen years hence. (close to tears) What a senseless
waste!
Lister: Listen, if something happens to me, I want to know.
Kryten: All I am allowed to divulge is that their time drive has
developed a fault, and they can only travel forward. They
jumped to a period where they knew we would be in order to copy
some components from our own drive.
Cat: So am I actually going to get to meet me? My knees have
turned to jelly!
Kryten: Nobody will be meeting anybody. You must be sealed in
the upper deck before they set a space boot on board.
Rimmer: So when are they coming?
Kryten: Immediately. I'll serve your supper in the obs room.
(very affectionately to Lister) I thought I'd whip you up a nice
little curry with jam rolly-polly and a big jug of chilled
margarita.
Lister: They're all my favourites!
Kryten: (almost bursting into tears again) I know!!!
Lister: How can we have margaritas? I thought we were out of
tequila?
Kryten: I put a little miniature bottle aside, sir, for ... no
particular reason ... And I thought that since today had ...
no special significance ... it would be appropriate ... to ...
Lister: Just go, Kryten!
Kryten: Thank you, sir.
Kryten leaves the room. Out of shot, we can hear him finally
break down and cry.
22. Kitchen --
Kryten is sadly caressing a bowl and cup.
Kryten: His favourite bowl ... his little cup ... the tin opener
he uses to pick his ears clean with ...
Enter Lister.
Lister: Everything okay?
Kryten: Oh, yup yup. Those darn onions get you every time!
Lister: What onions?
Kryten: Ah, the onions I'm about to peel. I always get a little
emotional when I have to deprive an onion of its skin.
Lister: Don't Nixon me, man! Tell me the truth! I die, don't I?
I mean, I'm dead, aren't I? I don't make it ...
Kryten: All I'm at liberty to disclose, sir, is that all four
members of the Starbug crew will be boarding this vessel.
Lister: Yeah, but I'm not amongst them, right?
Kryten: One of their number is called Dave Lister. Now, you'll
have to excuse me. I've already said too much.
Lister: Hang on a minute -- I'm really confused now. Are you
saying I survive?
Kryten: I can say no more. Please, let us not squabble on this
of all days. (starts to pour chilies into the blender)
Lister: Careful with those chilies, Kryten. At the rate you're
going, there'll be none left for tomorrow.
Lister leaves the room. Kryten, barely holding back the tears,
pours the rest of the chilies into the blender.
23. Obs room --
Lister is hooking a cable to the mediscan (it may look like a
complicated-looking machine, but is actually just a pair of
binoculars with a big box built around it). Rimmer and Cat look
on.
Rimmer: Look, whatever it is, there's nothing you can do about
it. It's fate.
Lister: I just don't get it. Am I dead or am I alive? If I'm
dead, how can I come on board?
Cat: What precisely are you doing, bud?
Lister: I'm hacking into the security cameras. Kryten turned off
all the monitors, so I'm rigging up the mediscan. When those
johnnies come on board, I want to see 'em.
24. Mid-section --
Kryten: (into intercom) Docking complete. Opening airlock doors.
Gentlemen, welcome aboard.
Outer airlock door open. The camera shows three pairs of legs
entering the ship.
Kryten is standing by the inner airlock door. It opens.
Enter future Rimmer. But this Rimmer is middle-aged: greying
hair, a moustache and big bushy eyebrows. He is fat, with his
stomach bulging out the bottom of his too-short jacket. He is
wearing very gaudy clothing: bright yellow jacket and bright
orange pants. (Note: remember "Rimmerworld", where Rimmer looked
the same after 300 years? Either holograms do age in appearance
when they beocme lazy and wellfed, or Rimmer deliberately
reprogrammed his appearance.)
Future Rimmer disdainfully examines the ship. Kryten looks at
Rimmer in shock.
Kryten: Ah, Mr. Rimmer sir, come in, come in.
Future Rimmer: Did we actually used to live like this? What a
godawful depressing little hole.
Enter future Cat. He has long greying hair, but is bald on top.
He is wearing black pants and shirt, and a plaid red and black
jacket.
Future Cat: We're used to the good things in life now, bud.
Future Cat combs his hair. A large piece gets combed out, so he
embarrassedly tries to fit it onto his bald spot.
Enter future Kryten. He has a cheap toupee and fake eyebrows.
He is wearing a blue leisure suit and a turtleneck sweater. He
is carrying something covered by a black cloth.
Kryten: Are you really me?
Future Kryten: Will you take a look at him. Did I really used to
look that goofy?
Kryten: What is that you have on your head? I hope you have a
quarantine license for it.
Future Kryten: We're time travellers now, and a lot of our
business involves going back in history. I have to look
incognito. Frankly, I can't afford going around looking like
I've swapped heads with a damaged crash dummy.
Kryten: I rather think we're overstepping the bounds of agreed
conversation here. Is, um ... Mr. Lister ... did you bring him?
Future Kryten puts the object on the table and removes the cloth.
It is a jar. Inside the jar is a glowing brain attached to
electrodes.
Kryten: Sir, you look terrific. I was expecting something much
worse.
Future Lister: Don't worry about me, Kryts, I'm fine. Absolutely
dandy.
Kryten: Well, blow me! You've hardly changed at all. If I
wasn't told about the accident, I don't think I'd even have
noticed.
25. Obs room --
Lister is peering into the binoculars part of the mediscan.
Lister; Yo, we're in! Oh my god -- look at Rimmer!
Rimmer: Well, I can't have changed much. I'm a hologram.
Lister: Wrong. You're two meals away from being a sumo wrestler.
Rimmer: Let me see!
Cat: Am I there?
Lister: Oh yes.
Cat: What do I look like?
Lister: I can't actually see quite clearly. The light is
reflecting from off the top of your head. (covers the binoculars
and blinks his eyes to clear them)
Cat: What are you talking about?
Lister: Ha ha! You're as bald as a plucked chicken, man.
Cat: Let me see! Let me see!
Lister: Wait, wait! I want to see if I'm there. I don't seem to
be there. Just you two, Kryten ... (looks up in deep shock) Oh
my god ...
Cat: What? What is it?
Lister moves to the side, still with that open-mouthed look of
shock. Rimmer looks into the binoculars.
Rimmer: Ohhhhh dear!
Cat: What? Is he fat?
Rimmer: Far from it. He's lost a bit of weight, actually.
Actually, he's lost quite a bit of everything.
Lister: What do I do to end up like that?
Cat takes over the binoculars.
Cat: That's tragic. That is the saddest thing I've ever seen in
my life ... (looks up in dismay) What happened to my butt?
Buddy, you could park a plane in that crease.
Lister: So what if you're fat and bald. That's what happens when
you get older. Look at me -- I'm a brain in a jar!
Cat: Self self self self self!
Lister: We've got to find out what's going on.
Lister turns a knob and the conversation in the Mid-section can
be heard.
26. Mid-section --
The future crew are sitting around the table. Kryten pours them
some wine.
Kryten: We've been saving it for a special occasion. And what
could be more special than this. To the future!
Future Kryten: To the past!
The future crew take a sip and then immediately spit it out in
disgust.
Future Cat: This is poison, bud!
Future Rimmer: Haven't you anything better than this hogwash?
We're used to the best!
Future Kryten: Kryten, we're epicures now. We travel through
history enjoying the very best time has to offer.
Future Rimmer: Dolphin sweetmeats, roast suckling elephants, baby
seal hearts stuffed with dove pate. Food fit for emperors!
Future Lister: We socialize with all of the greatest figures in
history -- the Hapsburgs, the Borgias ...
Future Kryten: Why, only last week, Louis the Sixteenth threw a
banquet especially in our honour.
Future Rimmer: The man is a complete delight -- urbane, witty,
charming ...
Kryten: He was an idiotic despot who lived in the most obscene
luxury while the working classes starved in abject poverty.
Future Rimmer: Well, we certainly didn't see any of that while we
were there!
Future Kryten: And his wife's an absolute cutie.
Future Cat: I think they're our favourite hosts. If you don't
count the Hitlers.
Kryten: The who?!
Future Rimmer: Providing you avoid talking politics, they're an
absolute hoot.
Kryten: You're good friends with the Hitlers?!
Future Kryten: It's just a social thing. We don't talk about his
work. We just have a few laughs, play canasta, and enjoy the
odd game of mixed doubles with the Goerings.
Kryten: I don't believe what I'm hearing!
Future Rimmer: Look, you have to understand -- we travel back and
forth throughout the whole of history, and naturally we want to
sample the best of everything. It's just a bit unfortunate that
the finest things tend to be in the possession of people who are
judged to be a bit dodgy.
Kryten: Herman Goering is a "bit dodgy"! What has become of you
all? You've all abandoned your morals, been seduced by power
and wealth. All you're interested in now is indulging your
carnal desires.
Future Rimmer: And could we tell you some stories about _that_!
(the future crew all laugh)
Kryten: I don't recognize any of you! You're just amoral self-
serving _scum_, freeloading your way through history!
Future Kryten: Good grief! I can't believe I used to be such a
stuck-up pompous prig.
The door to the stairs can be heard being blown off its hinges.
Lister comes down the stairs, holding a bazookoid, which he
points at the future crew. He is followed by Rimmer and Cat.
Lister: Okay. That's it. You've got two minutes to get off this
ship. I don't know how we became you, but I sure as hell don't
intend to help you carry on doing what you're doing.
Future Rimmer: But we need to examine the calibration on your
time drive's maxic-factor.
Lister: That's one minute forty.
Future Cat: Shooting us would be like killing himself in the
future. He won't do it.
Lister: What have I got to lose? I'm in a jar.
Future Rimmer: Gentlemen, let's put an end to this, why don't we?
(stands up)
Future Kryten: But without the calibration date, we'll be
stranded out here in the middle of nowhere.
Lister: Fifty seconds.
Future Cat: C'mon, let's go.
Future Kryten grabs future future Lister's jar and the Future
crew head through the airlock. Future Rimmer pauses at the
airlock.
Future Rimmer: You'll have changed your mind when you've thought
it through. You are destined to become us, and there is nothing
you can do about it. In the end, you'll help us.
Lister fires at the wall just above future Rimmer.
Lister: Twenty seconds. Into the airlock and git.
Future Rimmer flashes a quick look of anger and leaves.
27. Shot of future Starbug flying away from the side of the
present Starbug.
Shot of future Starbug starting to curve in its flight.
28. Cockpit --
The crew are in their seats.
Kryten: I knew it would be a mistake to see the future. Now our
whole lives will be coloured by the fact that we're going to end
up becoming people we despise.
Rimmer: Threat warning -- vessel off the stern! They've got a
missile lock on us!
Lister: Our future selves are attacking us!
Cat: They're nuts!
Crew experience a jolt (exactly the same type of jolt as
when they enter or leave an unreality pocket).]
Cat: Direct hit! The gyroscope's out!
Kryten: They're trying to disable us!
Rimmer: Another lock!
Lister: Incoming message!
Future Rimmer's face appears on the view-screen.
Future Rimmer: Gentlemen, we have no intention of being deprived
of the opulence and luxury the time drive provides. Either you
give us access to the data we require, or be prepared to be
blasted out of the sky.
Kryten: But if you kill us, you'll have cease to exist.
Future Rimmer: Better that than to be forced to live like you,
like rats trapped together, marooned in deep space.
Your answer -- thirty seconds.
View-screen message ends.
Cat: So what do we do?
Rimmer: Have we got any chance of winning?
Kryten: Their craft is greatly upgraded. We have no chance
whatsoever.
Rimmer: Then I say fight! (dramatic chord of music)
Kryten: Mr. Rimmer?
Rimmer: Better dead than smeg!
Lister: Cheers! Cat?
Cat: Better dead than sofa-side butt.
Lister: Kryten?
Kryten: Better anything than that toupee!
Lister: Shields up! Arming lasers!
Cat: Bringing her around.
Kryten: Target acquired!
Lister: Locking on -- firing! (pushes button)
Rimmer: Direct hit!
Kryten: Starbug thrusters! Nice shooting, sir!
Cat: Bringing her around to reserve.
Rimmer: Threat warning! They've got a lock on us!
Lister: I'm going for the main fuel tank!
Kryten: They're in your sight!
Lister: Locked on -- fire!
Lister's console blows up, and Lister is showered in sparks. He
is sent flying to the floor near Kryten. (Note: this time when
they are hit, they do not experience the same jolting effect)
Kryten: Mr. Lister!
Cat: Is he okay?
Kryten: (in shock) He's dead, sir!
Rimmer: The hull's gonna go. We'll all be dead in a minute.
Another explosion. Cat is sent flying on top of Kryten's
console. (Again, the jolting effect is absent)
Rimmer: CAT!?
Kryten: ... Dead ... But there may be --
Another explosion sends Kryten flying. (Still no jolting!) A
very concerned Rimmer hurries to Kryten's body.
Rimmer: Kryten?! There may be a what? A way out of this? Is
that what you were gonna say? ... Speak, Kryten! How can we
change what's happening?!
A look of realization comes over his face. While Starbug is
being rocked with explosions, he hurries to the Mid-section
where he grabs the bazookoid. He kicks open a smashed door and
runs through the ship. Avoiding the falling pieces of ceiling,
he arrives at the engine room. He takes aim at the time drive
and pulls the trigger on the bazookoid. The time drive is
destroyed.
29. Shot of Starbug moving through space. A laser blast hits it
and it is completely destroyed.
Caption: TO BE CONTINUED
Closing theme and credits begin.
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-22081742623246743932012-11-01T09:53:00.004-07:002012-11-01T09:53:43.360-07:00Season 6 Episode 5 - Rimmerworld<pre> RED DWARF Series VI Episode 5
"Rimmerworld"
1 Model. Starbug flypast.
2 Int. Starbug Medical Lab.
KRYTEN is pressing buttons on a control panel, while
RIMMER lies on a bench.
KRYTEN
(Moving to the end of the bench) Well, that's
finished the tests sir. We just have to wait while
the Navicomp processes the results. Unfortunately
I have had to allow for the fact that you cheated
at your eye tests.
RIMMER
(Sitting up) What do you mean, cheated?
KRYTEN
There's no point in lying sir. You crept in here
last night, knowing you were going to have a
medical, and you copied the eye charts onto your
shoes.
RIMMER
I admit I might have taken a peek, but I'm a
competitive man Kryten, always have been. That's
what makes me what I am.
KRYTEN
We're all perfectly well aware of what you are
sir. Oh, the results. (Moves over to the panel,
and returns with a small piece of card)
RIMMER
(Standing) Ah, everything tickedyboo?
KRYTEN
Would you like to take a seat for a moment sir?
RIMMER
(Sitting on the bench) Problem?
KRYTEN
You don't have any next of kin, do you sir?
RIMMER
No, they all died of heart attacks. And not just
heart attacks - aneurysms, strokes, brain clots,
you name it.
KRYTEN
Are you of the school that, when faced with bad
news, prefers to hear that news naked and
unvarnished, or are you of the ilk that prefers to
live in happy and blissful ignorance of the
nightmare you're facing.
RIMMER
Ignorance, every time.
KRYTEN
(Very cheerily) Congratulations sir! You've come
storming through your medical with flying colours.
See you next time.
RIMMER
Everything's OK then?
KRYTEN
Absolutely peachy.
RIMMER
I want to know, Kryten, if there's something
wrong.
KRYTEN
If there were something wrong, sir, I would tell
you.
RIMMER
Even if I'd asked you not to?
KRYTEN
Well no. In that case I would lie and tell you
everything was absolutely peachy.
RIMMER
Kryten, I want to know, that's why I asked for a
medical. Is there bad news?
KRYTEN
Lie mode cancel. Yes sir, I'm afraid there is.
RIMMER
(Half sitting up, clutching chest) I knew it. It's
the headaches isn't it. And the heart palpitations
and the blackouts and the chest pains and the
voices. It's something to do with that isn't it?
KRYTEN
Sir, when you died you were recreated as a
hologram and your exact personality was refined to
an algorithm and duplicated electronically. If
that algorithm contained a flaw, that flaw would
be duplicated also.
RIMMER
Flaw?
KRYTEN
It's not common, but it's possible for a hologram
to die.
RIMMER
Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your
nose between your cheeks and make it the filling
of a buttock sandwich.
KRYTEN
As a result of both genetics and environment you
are particularly prone to stress-related nervous
disorders, and your activities over the past
couple of years have pushed your brain to, well
frankly beyond breaking point. (RIMMER starts
breathing heavily, and moves over to what looks
like a deep sleep booth) Your T count, which is
the hologrammatic equivalent of blood pressure, is
higher than a hippy on the third day of an open
air festival, and if you wish to avoid a gigantic
electronic aneurysm, it is imperative that you
start on a program of relaxation.
RIMMER
I see, and you thought that the best way for me to
start this program of relaxation was to tell me my
brains are about to explode. You've got the
bedside manner of an abattoir giblet gutter.
KRYTEN
Here's what I suggest. Try and avoid all stressful
situations. Spend more time in your hard light
form and take a little exercise. And here (moving
over to a cupboard), try these Chinese worry balls
whenever you feel anxious or tense. (RIMMER looks
at the balls suspiciously)
LISTER
(Entering) Hey, maybe some good news. Come and
check it out. (Leaves)
RIMMER
Er, Kryten, I don't want the others to know about
this. I want you to behave as if everything's
absolutely normal.
KRYTEN
As you wish sir.
3 Model. Starbug approaching Simulant ship.
4 Int. Starbug Cockpit
LISTER
There she blows.
CAT
Logging onto the ident computer.
RIMMER
(Entering, standing by LISTER's chair) What's this?
LISTER
We've come across the simulant ship we totalled a
couple of weeks back. We're gonna try and board it
for supplies.
KRYTEN
Is that wise sir? The scan says the superstructure
is highly unstable and could go at any time.
RIMMER
What if some of the simulants have survived?
CAT
There's an old Cat saying: "If you're gonna eat
tuna, expect bones."
RIMMER
(Back in his own seat) There's an old human
saying: "If you're gonna talk garbage, expect
pain."
LISTER
Look, we'll take our chances man, OK?
RIMMER
No K. They're cybernetically deranged mechanical
killing machines. Not content with blasting their
ship out of the sky, you now want to go back and
steal what remains of their belongings? That's the
metaphorical equivalent of flopping your wedding
tackle into a lion's mouth and flicking his love
spuds with a wet towel. Total insanity.
LISTER
Look, ever since that refrigeration unit packed in
we've had to live off a few pathetic handfuls of
moss and fungi scraped off passing asteroids. I
can't stand it any more.
KRYTEN
Well sir, are you really saying you'd rather have
a psychopathic mechanical killer rip off your
skull and play your frontal nodes like a xylophone
than have another bowl of my nourishing space
nettle soup?
CAT
Buddy, I'd hand him the sticks and hold up the
sheet music.
RIMMER
Lister, they are simulants. Why on Io should they
have food supplies?
LISTER
Because the ident computer says they do. Look,
stocked to the gills.
KRYTEN
(To RIMMER) It's true sir. Rogue simulants always
carry large stocks of food supplies in order to
prolong the torment of their torture victims. In
some cases, they've kept subjects alive for over
forty years in a state of perpetual agony.
RIMMER
If we wanted to live in a state of perpetual
agony, we'd let Lister play his guitar. We don't.
I say drive on.
LISTER
Kryten, what's for dinner?
KRYTEN
Tonight sir, asteroidal lichen stew followed by
dandelion sorbet.
LISTER
We're going in.
5 Model. Starbug docking with Simulant ship.
6 Int. Mid section.
KRYTEN
(To LISTER) Sir, can't you see your behaviour is
totally irrational?
RIMMER
In which case we can remove him from duty as per
Space Corps Directive 1_9_6_1_5_6.
KRYTEN
1_9_6_1_5_6? Any officer caught sniffing the
saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym
will be discharged without trial? Hmm, I'm sorry
sir, that doesn't quite get to the nub of the
matter for me. (To LISTER) Sir, we have enough
thistles and weeds and cultured fungus for you to
scrum yourself stupid until the day you die. This
foolhardy trip beggars logic.
RIMMER
Lister, we'd be fools not to listen to him. When
is he ever wrong? Alright, he may have a head
shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float
but he does operate from a position of total logic
and we'd be fools to ignore his sage council.
KRYTEN
At least let me and Mister Rimmer go in your
place. We are after all merely electronic
life forms and therefore expendable.
RIMMER
And what the smeg would you know, bog-bot from
hell?
LISTER
There's something else. I didn't want to say in
front of the Cat. (Quick shot of CAT) The reserve
fuel tank got punctured when we crashed into that
ocean moon. If we don't resupply, we're out of
power, two, three days.
KRYTEN
(Checking a panel) But what about the readouts?
LISTER
I rigged the readouts. I didn't want to cause any
alarm.
RIMMER
You rigged the readouts! You didn't want to cause
any a.. (hyperventilates, and recovers as he
grinds the worry balls) I can't breathe, I'm
hyperventilating.
KRYTEN
Please sir, don't panic.
RIMMER
It's not panic, it's a full-blown hysterical fit!
KRYTEN
Grind those balls sir! Grind them!
RIMMER
(Grinding) So let me get this straight. If we
board that ship and get captured, we're finished.
However if we board that ship and don't get
captured, but the superstructure disintegrates
around us, we're finished. On the other hand, if
we board that ship and don't get captured and the
superstructure doesn't disintegrate around us, but
we can't find any fuel, we are in fact finished.
LISTER
That's about the shape of it, yeah.
KRYTEN
After you with the balls sir.
LISTER
Look, we're out of options. We've got less choice
than a Welsh fish and chip shop. We've got to
board that ship, even if it is on the brink of
disintegration. Let's just pray the crew are
rotting in Silicon Hell with all the photocopiers.
RIMMER
Look, you three go. I'm not leaving Starbug.
LISTER
Fine, that's fair enough. Unless of course
something weird and hideously ironic happens, like
while we were away you get boarded by a rampaging
torture party of crazed simulants in the rapid
grip of bloodlust fever.
RIMMER
I'll go and pack. (Moves to the staircase)
LISTER
Bring your extra brown rubber safety pants.
(RIMMER climbs the staircase) And your hard light
remote belt, we need all the hands we can muster.
7 Model. Simulant ship.
8 Int. Corridor of Simulant ship.
KRYTEN
Lifesigns.
CAT
If one of those suckers bumps into me, he'll be
lunching on laser, (Arms bazookoid) Last time we
met I was wearing the same outfit, and no-one's
gonna survive to tell that story.
LISTER
Listen guys, I suppose now's as good as time as
any to tell you.
RIMMER
Tell us what?
LISTER
We can't actually use the bazookoids. They're for
psychological reasons only. Look, the scan said
that the superstructure is so unstable that even a
load noise could start a shipquake. That's why I
skipped chillies for breakfast. (Reacting to the
others' stares) Why are you all looking at me like
that?
CAT
Like what?
LISTER
Like I'm a nostril hair in a Spanish omelette.
RIMMER
Why didn't you tell us?
LISTER
Didn't wanna cause any panic.
RIMMER
You didn't want to cause any p.. (Hyperventilates,
then slowly recovers as he grinds the balls) Let
me get this clear in my head. If we meet one of
these totally deranged killing machines, we have
to engage them in combat silently? What do we do,
whisper "charge", tippytoe up to them all
screaming "shhh" and chloroform them with Lister's
armpits? Priceless.
9 Int. Another corridor. The crew move carefully along,
in the order LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT and RIMMER.
LISTER
(Spotting) A teleporter.
KRYTEN
(Checking the controls) Hmmm, fully functional.
CAT
Let's grab what we can and load up.
RIMMER
Quietly.
We see LISTER and CAT loading the teleporter, and a
variety of crates materialising in Starbug's mid
section. They drop a crate. Worried faces as the noise
echoes throughout the ship.
KRYTEN
It's not gonna hold much longer sir, we'd better
make this the last batch.
LISTER
One more trip Kryten, let me get one more crate of
that red hot West Indian red pepper sauce.
In the background, the female SIMULANT from "Gunmen of
the Apocalypse" lurches through a doorway, causing more
rumbling from the ship's hull. She doesn't appear to be
in very good shape.
KRYTEN
Shhhhh.
SIMULANT
(Pointing her weapon at the crew) Well, if it
isn't my old friends, the human vermin, the scab
of slime, the pus-sucking, puke-laden walking
cesspits of unspeakableness.
CAT
She remembers us
SIMULANT
Annihilated my ship, slaughtered by fellow
simulants, and you practically destroyed me. Yes,
I remember you.
CAT
(Pointing at the SIMULANT) There's one thing you
should know. Last time we met I was wearing a cute
little black number with peach trim and gold
spangles, and although it looks like I'm wearing
the same outfit today, it is in fact an entirely
different cute little black number with completely
different gold spangles.
KRYTEN
That was an important speech sir, and it needed to
be made, but might I suggest that from this moment
the rest of the discourse is conducted by those
with brains larger than a grape.
CAT
(To LISTER) Take it away, bud.
LISTER
OK, let's knock on the door and ask for Ronnie
Real. This is a classic stalemate situation. You
can't use your weapons and neither can we. Let's
chalk this one down to experience and we'll be on
our merry way, yeah? Actually, as far as psychotic
deranged ruthless killer simulants go, you're a
bit of a babe. What are you doing tonight?
SIMULANT
Dying (Shoots ceiling. More rumbling from the
ship). Care to join me?
Behind the SIMULANT, RIMMER can be seen. He has spotted
an escape pod, and is trying to sneak into it. LISTER's
words are aimed at RIMMER, not the SIMULANT, who does
not realise this. His words become more desperate as
the conversation continues.
LISTER
Hey come on, let's just talk, OK? We didn't start
any of this, and I think that maybe NOW is a good
time to sit down and parlez. (He is starting to
get annoyed) Let's not hang around, just get on
with it.
SIMULANT
There is nothing to discuss. In sixty seconds
you'll be dead.
LISTER
You can't be serious.
SIMULANT
I'm totally serious.
LISTER
I don't believe you're being serious.
SIMULANT
I do not understand why you're having such
problems grasping this concept. I'm a totally
ruthless amoral killing machine so why, in the
name of all that's putrid, don't you believe I'm
serious.
LISTER
I'm going to say this one more time. You've still
got a chance to change your mind. Think about it,
everything we've been through, does none of that
mean anything to you?
RIMMER launches the escape pod. The corridor collapses
onto the SIMULANT.
LISTER
Cheers Rimmer! He's started a shipquake!
KRYTEN
The superstructures disintegrating!
CAT
The teleporter! (They all step onto the teleporter
platform)
KRYTEN
I must warn you sir, the teleporter's not
calibrated for human tissue. There's a twenty
percent chance you'll be turned inside out when
you materialise.
CAT
Let me check my lining. Innards and lavender, I
can carry that off.
They dematerialise.
10 Int. Mid section.
As LISTER, KRYTEN and CAT materialise, we see the PAST
CREW seated around a table.
CAT
What's this?
KRYTEN
Don't you remember sir? This is a week last
Thursday. In the panic I must have made a
programming error.
PAST KRYTEN
(Standing) For goodness sake Kryten! Don't you
know how rude it is to burst in on an earlier
version of yourself without warning? You've made
our day totally surreal now. I'm very cross!
KRYTEN
Pardon my paradox. It's just that the simulant
ship you're about to encounter
PAST KRYTEN
(Interrupting) We don't know what we're about to
encounter. Don't compound your temporal faux-pas by
telling us our future.
PAST RIMMER
Where's the rangy, handsome one?
LISTER
What, you? You scarpered in that escape pod, you
slimy, triple-faced, back-stabbing Judas.
PAST RIMMER
Ah, I'm safe then? Thank God for that.
PAST KRYTEN
(To PAST RIMMER) Don't talk to them! (To KRYTEN)
You see what you've done now! Just get back to
your own damn time line!
KRYTEN
Here we go then.
PAST LISTER
Well, be you later.
LISTER, KRYTEN and CAT dematerialise.
11 Int. Starbug mid section.
LISTER
Let's get out of the landing bay. It's gonna blow!
12 Model. Starbug taking off from the Simulant ship, which
then explodes.
13 Int. Cockpit.
CAT
All in all, a hundred percent successful trip.
KRYTEN
Sir, we lost Mister Rimmer!
CAT
All in all, a hundred percent successful trip.
LISTER
Can't believe he did that, not even Rimmer.
KRYTEN
Sir, I didn't get the opportunity to tell you
before, but earlier today I discovered that Mister
Rimmer is suffering from a stress-related nervous
disorder.
LISTER
Next time I see him he'll be suffering from a
fist-related teeth disorder.
14 Model. Escape pod disappearing into the distance.
15 Int. Cockpit.
CAT
Incoming message.
RIMMER appears on a monitor, looking rather pleased
with himself.
RIMMER
My escape plan worked then?
CAT
What escape plan?
RIMMER
The valiant plan whereby I set off the
disintegration of the ship's hull by bravely
leaping into the escape pod thereby creating a
diversion, so you could (pauses) Actually, how did
you escape?
KRYTEN
Well, the teleporter.
RIMMER
That wasn't the only way, but as good as any I
suppose. Still, I'm sure no-one's forgetting the
sheer manliness and stiff-upper-lippedness of the
diversionary part of the plan and to hasten with
all speed the recovery of the modest hero of the
hour.
LISTER
Actually, Flash, that might be a bit of a problem.
RIMMER
What do you mean?
LISTER
You're accelerating away from us - way above our
top speed
KRYTEN
I've logged into your ident computer sir. Rogue
simulants looted the pod from a colonisation
seeding ship constructed in the 25th Century.
There are no controls as such, it is programmed to
take you to the nearest planet with an S3
atmosphere.
RIMMER
How long is it going to take to get me back?
KRYTEN
(Checking a scanner) Ah well, let's see shall we,
checking the local area. Er, no, nothing there.
Going to mid-range. Er, still nothing. Going to
long range ... long, long range ... long, long,
long range. Ah, here we have it, just computing.
RIMMER
Well? How long?
KRYTEN
Have you still got those Chinese worry balls sir?
RIMMER
Yes.
KRYTEN
Well start grinding them like you've never ground
before.
RIMMER
How long?
LISTER
Let me tell him Kryten.
RIMMER
How long?
LISTER
(Smiling) A year and a half.
RIMMER
That's ridiculous! You've got to find a way of
getting me back.
KRYTEN
Well we could try to bring you down with a round
from a laser cannon, sir.
CAT
Form an orderly queue behind the gun-sight.
RIMMER
Another way!
KRYTEN
Sir, there are no other options.
CAT
(Spotting something on a scanner) Wait!
Something's happening! Course change!
LISTER
(Checking his own screens) Check. Your guidance
system's found a nearer S3 planet. It's taking you
through that wormhole at 4_9_5_3_7_2.
KRYTEN
Ah, that's a lot better. You should make
planetfall in four days.
RIMMER
Isn't there some kind of a time dilation problem
when you go through a wormhole?
KRYTEN
Well, yes there is. Since you're travelling
through a compressed space, time will move more
swiftly for the object passing though the
wormhole. One minute on this side of the wormhole
will represent many years on the other.
RIMMER
So, is that good?
KRYTEN
Balls on standby sir.
RIMMER
More than a year and a half?
KRYTEN
Er, yes sir, a little more.
RIMMER
How much more?
KRYTEN
Well, let's not beat around a bush, a lot more.
RIMMER
Kryten, that's still beating around the bush. Just
tell me.
KRYTEN
Well, remember that medieval war sir, that lasted
quite a long time.
RIMMER
The Thirty Years War?
KRYTEN
No, not that war sir, the other one.
RIMMER
The Hundred Years War?
KRYTEN
Now take that figure, and multiply it by six, and
then you'll come up with your golden number sir.
RIMMER
Six hundred years!
CAT
(Disbelief) Pinch me!
LISTER
We're losing contact, any minute.
RIMMER
Six hundred years with just myself as company,
I'll go raving mad!
CAT
There's and old Cat saying, but you don't want to
hear it right now.
LISTER
On the upside, according to your inventory the
pod's stocked with solar accelerators. That should
keep your hard-light drive going as long as you
need.
KRYTEN
And as the pod was looted from a seeding ship,
there may even be emergency terraforming equipment
on board, possibly even with a genetic capability.
RIMMER
But I'll never survive, I'm not the Robinson
Crusoe type. I'm lousy at woodwork, I'm no good in
the wild. Do you know, when I was at school it
took me five terms to make a tent peg? How long's
it going to take me to build a two storey home
with running water and a balcony stroke sun patio?
Six hundred years! I won't even have finished
planing the wood!
LISTER
Losing contact, any second. See you in eight
lifetimes.
KRYTEN
One last word sir, remember your condition.
Whatever happens, try and avoid stressful
situations. Whatever befalls you, try and greet it
with a smile on your lips and a song in your
heart.
RIMMER
You are a total, total, complete and utter, total,
total, complete and utter total... (fades out)
16 Model. Pod entering wormhole.
17 Int. Cockpit
KRYTEN
Well, he's gone.
LISTER
So, what do we do now?
CAT
Nothing we can do, I know for a fact there's no
champagne. (smiles)
KRYTEN
On our side of this time dilation phenomena it
will appear as if Mister Rimmer has gone for just
a few hours, but from Mister Rimmer's point of
view, he will have to wait six entire centuries
for us to reach him.
LISTER
To hell with the champagne, we can celebrate with
urine resyc.
18 Model. Pod in atmosphere. This is followed by a montage
of images, following RIMMER's monologue.
RIMMER
This is the personal log of Space Corps hard-light
hologram Arnold J. Rimmer. Day 1: After landing, I
ventured forth to explore the place I would be
calling home for the next two thirds of a
millennium. A desert planet, the only life forms
the most basic single-celled protozoa, and me.
Relationships would be difficult, but not
impossible. I repaired to the pod, to appraise the
supply situation. The pod had indeed been looted
from a seeding ship. Among the supplies I found
two strange devices, labelled "Eco-Accelerator
Rockets". I held out little hope that they might
improve my lot, but launched them anyway. For six
days and nights the entire planet was wracked with
storms, the like of which I had never witnessed
before or since. Then, just as suddenly, they
stopped. In just six days I had created my own
world, lush and verdant. I had created
"Rimmerworld". I was Adam, in my own Eden, and
only one thing was missing, my own Jane. As I
studied the pod's textbooks, my excitement grew.
It seemed entirely possible for me to create a
fully grown female clone, using my own DNA as a
template. This of course created the most enormous
moral dilemma. Technically, she would be my sister,
and therefore unable to take me as her lover.
After much soul searching, I reluctantly decided,
"What the hell", I just wouldn't tell her. After
months of careful nurture, the cocoon cracked.
Something had gone hideously wrong - the clone was
just an identical copy of me. I went back to the
manuals, and tried again...
19 Model. Starbug entering wormhole.
20 Int. Starbug cockpit.
LISTER
There she blows, an S3 planet.
CAT
Navicomp locked. Entering atmosphere.
21 Model. Starbug in atmosphere.
22 Int. Cockpit.
LISTER
Got something. Try quadrant four-niner-seven-two.
According to the scan, there's lifesigns.
KRYTEN
Confirmed. Thousands of them. Either Mister Rimmer
had the incredible good fortune to land on a
populated planet, or...
CAT
Or what?
KRYTEN
It's too hideous to contemplate.
CAT
Preparing to land.
23 Ext. Woodland on "Rimmerworld". LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN
are seen walking through the woodland.
CAT
Wait, nasal alert!
LISTER
What, are you getting something?
CAT
I sure am. My nasal hairs are quivering like an
opera singer's bosom on the high notes.
'RIMMER' GUARD 1
Halt, abomination!
LISTER
Rimmer?
'RIMMER' GUARD 2
Silence, travesty.
LISTER
Rimmer??
'RIMMER' GUARD 3
Never have I seen such a hideously formed and
un-naturally freakish deviant.
LISTER
Rimmer???
'RIMMER' GUARD 4
Silence mutant! How dare you stand there and
address a norm using that face. It's a revolting
insult against nature.
LISTER
This might sound like a bit of a corny line, but
(pauses) can't even bring myself to say it.
'RIMMER' GUARD
Say what?
LISTER
Take us to your leader.
KRYTEN
Oh sir, how could you!
'RIMMER' GUARD
Let the great one judge them. (The GUARDS escort
the crew away)
24 Int. Throne room. The 'RIMMER' EMPEROR is seated upon a
throne, with concubines at his feet. The back of the
throne consists of a large 'H' sculpted out of a
circular piece of stone. LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN are
guarded by 'RIMMER' GUARDS.
'RIMMER' EMPEROR
Who disturbs our royal snooze?
LISTER
Rimmer? It's us.
'RIMMER' EMPEROR
Dear lord, what created such foulness. Is it the
product of a marriage twixt woman and gerbil?
LISTER
Do you remember? Six hundred years ago? We used to
be your ship mates, we've come to save you.
'RIMMER' GUARD
We found them in the woods, your flared-
nostrilness, and have brought them here to be
tried as travesties.
CAT
(Whispering to LISTER) That ain't goalpost-head,
he doesn't smell right.
KRYTEN
(Also in a whisper to LISTER) Agreed, he scans as
organic, not hologram. the 'H' is an affectation.
Possibly it has become a symbol of power.
'RIMMER' EMPEROR
These deformed monsters are no sight for my
concubines. My treasures of pulchritude, run
along. (He gestures to one) Avert your eyes from
her great beauty. (Uncovers her face, which turns
out to also be that of RIMMER, and kisses her. She
covers herself, and he clears his throat. We see a
GUARD uncovering his face) Let the trial begin,
before my jacuzzi water grows tepid.
'RIMMER' GUARD
These three abominations stand charged on eight
counts of gross deviancy. Not content with not
looking like the true image, they flaunt freakish
behaviour such as charm, bravery, compassion and
(pauses) honour.
'RIMMER' EMPEROR
Are there no sighs of normalcy in these wretches?
No cowardice or pomposity, no snideyness or smarm,
not even basic honest-to-goodness double-dealing
two-facedness?
'RIMMER' GUARD
Sire, these creatures did not even attempt to sell
each other out for their own freedom - they lack
even the most basic natural drives.
'RIMMER' EMPEROR
How do you plead?
KRYTEN
Er sir, we wish to speak to the hologram known as
Rimmer.
'RIMMER' EMPEROR
(Arrogantly - very over the top) I am he!
KRYTEN
Not so, we are seeking the creator of your race,
the father of your people, the first true Rimmer,
the template for your species.
'RIMMER' EMPEROR
Enough of this heresy. At the stroke of dawn take
them out and kill them. And when you've killed
them, burn the bodies, then bring me the cold
ashes on a silver plate, with a glass of chilled
sancerre.
CAT
(To LISTER) This guy's an animal. Doesn't he know
it's red wine with cold ashes? (The GUARD escorts
them away, pushing CAT in the process).
25 Int. Dungeon. LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN see a figure
huddled in the corner under a blanket. He is grinding
extremely small worry balls with his fingers.
LISTER
Rimmer?
CAT
Smell checks out. That truly is old toilet-brush
hair himself.
RIMMER
Of course, I remember. (Pointing at each of them
in turn) Custer! Derek Custer! Kit! Titan!
CAT
What's happened to him bud?
KRYTEN
How long have you been in here sir, in this
godforsaken pit from hell. (RIMMER points at the
wall, where he's been marking the days) Speed
count mode. (Scans the wall) Five hundred and
fifty seven years?
LISTER
What! You've been stuck in this cell all this
time?
CAT
What happened?
RIMMER
Can you imagine a society composed entirely of me?
CAT
I'm trying not to. The last time I did that it
took a week to dry the mattress.
RIMMER
Thousands upon thousands of back-stabbing
treacherous hypocritical cowardly slime-mongering
Judases. They overthrew me. When they found out
they couldn't damage my hard light drive, they
locked me in here so I could never threaten their
insane lust for power.
CAT
Look bud, I can understand them locking you up,
but what have they got against me, Derek and
Titan?
RIMMER
Anyone who deviates from the template is reviled.
The smallest physical flaw and they're banished
from society, and anyone who displays behaviour
deemed out of character or un-Rimmerlike is
punished by death.
LISTER
Is that why no-one on the planet is brave, sexy,
noble or charming?
RIMMER
All crimes here.
CAT
Man. I must be Public Enemy numbers one, two and
three.
KRYTEN
But sir, don't they realise the only way any
society can evolve is through mutations in the
gene pool. When there is no richness or variety,
congenital disorders and inherited lunacy are
commonplace. Who can forget the famously insane
European monarchies of the nineteenth and twentieth
centuries.
RIMMER
Oh what have I created?
KRYTEN
Your very own personal hell.
CAT
Well, fun though its been hearing about your last
five hundred years of total misery, shouldn't we
be making skedaddle plans? I for one could not
bear the prospect of being burned alive. Flames
and peach! Ooh, I'd rather die.
LISTER
Have you tried escaping Rimmer?
RIMMER
The whole planet is populated with back-stabbing
slimeballs. The minute I got out, I'd be sold back
immediately.
LISTER
(Moving to the cell window) There's got to be a
way out. There hasn't been a prison built that
could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away
this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out,
then using a rope weaved from strands of this
hessian, rip up a kind of a pulley system so that
when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire,
gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's
uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords,
and fight our way back to the 'bug.
KRYTEN
Or we could use the teleporter.
LISTER
Or, at a pinch, we could use the teleporter.
They dematerialise.
26 Int. Starbug mid section. As they materialise, we see
the FUTURE CREW, bar the FUTURE LISTER, sitting at a
table.
KRYTEN
Oh, I've done it again. Two anomalies in one day,
I must have accidentally tapped into the previous
calibration.
RIMMER
Sorry about that, it's just that we're escaping
from Rimmerworld.
LISTER
Don't tell them that, they don't want to know the
future. Poor old Rimmer doesn't want to know he's
going to get persecuted for six centuries by a
load of his own clones.
CAT
Careful bud, for a minute there I thought you were
going to let slip that he spends the next five
hundred and fifty seven years locked in a dungeon.
FUTURE RIMMER
Rimmerworld?
LISTER
I'm saying nothing man, don't want to spoil the
surprise.
FUTURE RIMMER
Rimmerworld was weeks ago. We're far more
concerned at the moment about the quite hideous
thing that's happened to Lister.
CAT
He's right bud, where are you?
LISTER
Yeah, where am I? I wanna know!
They dematerialise.
The End
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-39429980350318756002012-11-01T09:53:00.000-07:002012-11-01T09:53:10.320-07:00Season 6 Episode 4 - Emohawk, Polymorph II<pre> RED DWARF Series VI Episode 4, "Emohawk, Polymorph II"
1 Model Shot.
External view of Starbug.
2 Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters. Morning.
RIMMER enters at a run as alert sirens start to blare.
RIMMER: SCRAMBLE,SCRAMBLE. All hands on deck, emergency drill, scramble!
RIMMER runs out of the room. Close up of LISTER's face... with no sign
of life. RIMMER walks back in.
RIMMER: Er, perhaps you didn't catch that. I said SCRAMBLE!
LISTER: (Still half asleep) Yeah, that'll be great with bacon and beans,
man.(Lays his head back onto pillow.)
RIMMER: Look, Starbug is a blazing inferno, the engine room is waist deep
in rocket fuel and we're being attacked off the starboard bow by an
unidentified craft!
CAT: (Appearing from under the covers on the other bunk.) Really?
RIMMER: No, of course not really. It's a drill. We're pretending that
Starbug is on fire and under attack.
LISTER: And I'm pretending to scramble, man.(Moves his hands up and down
in scrambling motion whilst still on the bunk.)
RIMMER: Look, you've got 30 seconds to get out of bed or I'm declaring
you officially dead.
RIMMER leaves the room.
LISTER: Good, then we can rest in peace.
3 Int. Starbug Cockpit.
RIMMER and KRYTEN are sat at the controls, a red alert sign flashes in
the background. LISTER walks in, sighing and pulling himself together,
and sits in the copilot's chair. CAT follows and sits in the pilot's
chair.
RIMMER: Congratulations, scrambling in a red alert situation, a new
record time..... 1 hour 17 minutes and 39 seconds.
LISTER: Hey, not bad! And I bet we could bet it down to 1,16 if we cut
out that fourth round of toast.
RIMMER: You think I'm a petty-minded beauraucratic nincompoop, who
delights in enforcing pernickety regulations because he gets some sort
of perverse pleasure from it, (KRYTEN is seen in the background nodding
agreement) and in many ways you're absolutely damn right, but that
doesn't alter the fact that the only way we're going to track down Red
Dwarf and get through this is with a sense of discipline, a sense of
purpose and wherever possible a sensible haircut.
LISTER: (Shaking his head) I'm going back to bed.
RIMMER: Would it harm you to have hair like mine?
CAT: I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head.
RIMMER: Well I'm no stranger to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to
explain to me why it is that every major battle in history has been won
by the side with the shortest haircuts?
KRYTEN: Oh, surely not, sir.
RIMMER: Think about it, why did the US Cavalry beat the Indian Nation?
Short back and sides versus girly hippy locks. The cavaliers and the
roundheads.. one-nil to the pudding basins. Vietnam, crew cuts both
sides... no score draw.
KRYTEN: (Shakes head despairingly.) Oh, for a really world class
psychiatrist.
CAT: Check your screens, I'm getting something up my left nostril and
it's coming in fast.
KRYTEN: Umm, scans are all negative. At the risk of challenging your
olfactory excellence sir, perhaps a resmelling is in order.
CAT: I'm telling you bud, my nostril hairs are shimmying faster than a
grass skirt on a fat Hawaain hula hoop champion. There's something out
there.
KRYTEN: Scans still dry.
RIMMER: That's it. I'm invoking space corp directive 6_8_2_5_0.
KRYTEN: 6_8_2_5_0? But sir, surely thats impossible without at least one
live chicken and a rabbi.
RIMMER: Forget it. Forget I was ever born.
KRYTEN: But sir, I'm very happy to perform the ceremony, but I'm
bewildered as to how sacrificing poultry will clear up the screen
problem.
LISTER: *Wait* a minute, getting something. Major power surge off the
port bow.
KRYTEN: He's right. Some kind of vessel. It appears to be uncloaking.
LISTER: He's too damn close. That power surge'll toss us around like
we're a bead of sweat in an aerobic teacher's buttock cleavage.
KRYTEN: Hang on here it comes.
Starbug is rocked by some sort of shock wave.
RIMMER: Damage report!
CAT: Superficial, navicomps down, slight rupture in fuel pipe 9... and
somehow the pilot's headset has got jammed on the country and western
channel.
KRYTEN: Second wave coming!
4 Model Shot.
External view of Starbug as it flies toward the camera, some sort of
spinning disc/orb flies past very close to Starbug, into the foreground
and back towards Starbug again.
5 Int. Starbug Cockpit.
The crew are thrown about as Starbug is shaken by another wave.
KRYTEN: What's he thinking of, warping that close to another vessel.
(Turns as though looking out of a car window.) DAMN SPACE HOG.
RIMMER: My god, that's a Space Corp external enforcement vehicle.
CAT: What?
LISTER: The space filth!
NB in this context "filth" is not dirt but a slang word for police.
KRYTEN: A computer controlled enforcement probe.
CAT: Incoming.
PROBE VOICE: Property corp space removing, and equipment corp space
damaging, ships corp space of series a looting with charged formerly
are you.
KRYTEN: The materialization must have scrambled it's voice unit. It's
making about as much sense as a Japanese VCR instruction manual.
PROBE VOICE: Plead do you how?
RIMMER: It's in reverse. How_do_you_plead?
CAT: How do we plead to what?
KRYTEN: It's charging us with looting space corp derelicts.
LISTER: But we don't loot space corp derelicts. We just hack our way in
and swipe what we *need*.
RIMMER: If this goes to trial, I demand seperate lawyers.
CAT: What's the penalty for this? If it means wearing outfits with
arrows on, I'm committing suicide.
KRYTEN: Er, no sir. It means wearing outfits with wings and haloes on,
sir. The penalty is execution.
RIMMER: Why so harsh?
KRYTEN: It's frontier law sir, and we are the equivalent of horse
rustlers. Severe sentencing is the only way of maintaining law and
order, don't expect it to show us *any* mercy.
RIMMER: What do we *do*?
KRYTEN: Let's face it sir, we are as guilty as the man behind the grassy
knoll.
LISTER: Yeah. But if we admit it it'll blow us out of the stars.
RIMMER: Reccomendations?
KRYTEN: Suggest I take the rap for everyone sir. You can say I held you
at gunpoint and forced you to do my evil bidding.
RIMMER: For god's sake, Kryten, we can't let you do that!
KRYTEN: Really?
RIMMER: Dream on, metal trash. Get your hands in the air and step into
that searchlight.
PROBE VOICE: Minute one have you.
LISTER: No choices then, we leg it. (To CAT) Plot a course for scarper
city.
KRYTEN: Sir, a class A enforcement orb can easily outrun us.
LISTER: Kryten, the Eastbourne zimmer-frame relay team can easily outrun
us. It's not about speed, it's about wit, brains and cunning.
KRYTEN: Hmm, I was hoping it wouldn't come to that, sir.
LISTER: Take a look at your screens. We're 7 klicks away from the Gelf
Zone. It wouldn't follow us in there in a gazillion years.
RIMMER: No, because gelfs are untrustworthy scavengers with no regard for
life, law or property.
LISTER: Right! So we'll be safe.
RIMMER: (Incredulous look on his face.) Lister, you've heard the stories!
They skin human beings alive and turn them into bean bags! Unless you
want a triple buttocked gelf sitting on your face for the rest of
eternity and probing your crevices for lost forks and biros, I suggest
you rethink.
KRYTEN: It's the lesser of two evils sir, in the absence of any sane
plan, I suggest we go with Mr Lister's.
PROBE VOICE: Seconds 20 in firing commence will I, reply a of absence in.
LISTER: Roughly translated... Hit the reheat.
CAT: You don't have to tell me twice. (Doesnt touch any of the consoles)
LISTER: Cat man, hit the reheat!
CAT: Oh sorry. (Hits a button) Looks like you do have to tell me twice.
6 Model Shot.
External view as Starbug accelerates away from the probe.
PROBE VOICE: Firing commence will I or halt.
7. Int. Starbug Cockpit.
LISTER: In which case.... boneybuts our move lets!
RIMMER: (To KRYTEN) Close comms.
KRYTEN: Comms closed.
LISTER: Gelf zone, 6 klicks and closing.
KRYTEN: Weapon lock registered. Pulse missile launched.
RIMMER: Impact in 10 seconds.
CAT: That's it. We're platform shoes, man.
LISTER: Firing chaffe. Firing flares.
KRYTEN: Brace for impact.
7 Model Shot.
External view of missile streaking across the screen and just missing
Starbug.
RIMMER: (Triumphantly) Missed us!
LISTER: Warning shot across the bows.
KRYTEN: We won't be so fortunate next time.
LISTER: 4 klicks to gelf zone.
KRYTEN: Another lock, this time it won't be a warning shot.
RIMMER: Incoming pulse fire.
LISTER: Decoys launched.
KRYTEN: It's not going to be enough. 6 seconds to impact.
CAT: We've got to try and shake them off. (Steers wildly form side to
side throwing all four about in their seats.)
8 Model Shot.
External view of Starbug swaying from side to side as a missile streaks
past, just missing, then Starbug veers off sharply to the left as another
missile closes in
9 Int. Starbug Cockpit.
RIMMER: (Looks relieved) We've lost it!
Big explosion from somewhere further back in Starbug.
RIMMER: Sorry. I was looking at the wrong panel.
10 Model Shot.
External view of starbug engulfed in flames, most particularly from
around the nose.
11 Int. Starbug Cockpit.
Lots of smoke, LISTER is trying to put out a number of fires with a fire
extinguisher.
RIMMER: Damage Report!
CAT: It's bad, looks like Starbugs been hit.
RIMMER: Details, halibut breath!
CAT: Well according to the damage report machine, there's several small
fires in the cockpit, lots of smoke and the navicomp's fizzing.
One of the consoles in front of the CAT is fizzing. Then something else
in front of him explodes.
CAT: Oh damn, now the damage report machine has exploded.
KRYTEN: *Another* lock on!
LISTER: This one's to finish us off.
RIMMER: How far to the Gelf Zone?
LISTER: Klick and a half.
KRYTEN: We've lost 3 fuel tanks, there's barely enough to get us stable.
CAT: Wait! I'm picking something up.
LISTER: Got it, putting it on visual.
One of Starbug's screens changes to show a picture of an asteroid which
has been shaped like a skull.
RIMMER: Look at that thing, it must be a mile and a half across.
KRYTEN: A Gelf icon carved out of solid rock. It must be some kind of
warning beacon.
LISTER: Incoming message.
WARNING VOICE: Karn nes eh ping. Wah twah morah.
KRYTEN: Running it through the translator.
TRANSLATOR VOICE: This is gelf space. Death to the strangers.
RIMMER: Pulse missile launch impact in 12 seconds and counting.
LISTER: (Pointing at the skull on the screen) Cat, head for the eye
socket.
CAT: The eye socket?
LISTER: Just do it!
RIMMER: Eight seconds.
12 Model Shot.
External view of asteroid, camera closes in on it.
13 Int. Starbug Cockpit.
CAT: It's solid rock.
RIMMER: Three seconds.. two ... one.
14 Model Shot.
External view. Just as Starbug enters the eye socket, the missile
impacts on the asteroid's surface, totally obliterating the asteroid.
Satrbug emerges from the other side of the exploding rock and is engulfed
in flames once more.
15 Int. Starbug Cockpit.
Even more smoke.
CAT: 80 percent of the maneuvering thrusters are out.
RIMMER: The infrared reports 53 seperate fires.
KRYTEN: The sprinkler systems are down on all 3 decks of the engine room.
RIMMER: There's no way to put it out, as soon as it hits the fuel tanks
we'll blow.
LISTER: Hey wait a minute. Gelf moon bearing 356 by 121. It's got an
ocean. (Turns to CAT) Can you get us there?
CAT: Does mouseshit roll? I'll get you there, bud.
16 Model Shot.
External view of Starbug crashing into a big lake. The fires on the
outside of the ship go out immediately.
17 Int. Starbug mid-section.
RIMMER enters carrying a large case and puts it onto a pile of other
crates which KRYTEN and the CAT have been stacking up.
RIMMER: Look at it. All our possesions, all our valuables. Between
fire, flood and impact damage we've lost damn near everything.
RIMMER leaves, going into the cockpit
KRYTEN: (Picking up LISTER's guitar) Well at least Mr Lister's guitar
survived intact.
CAT takes the guitar and breaks it in two across the cases and then hands
it back to KRYTEN
KRYTEN: Not *even* Mr Lister's guitar survived intact.
LISTER walks in wearing chest high waders.
LISTER: It's waist high down there, but at least I managed to get the
pumps working. 3 hours and we'll be dry.
RIMMER comes back in
RIMMER: Thrusters, boosters,reheat, auto-repair can take care of
everything, except for the oxygeneration unit which is totally
kaputzki.
LISTER: So you're telling me we can take off but we can't breath?
CAT: And we can't repair it?
RIMMER: It's a black and charred mess, worse than one of Lister's drunken
fry-ups.
LISTER: Well, we're snookered. Unless we go out and trade with the
gelfs.
RIMMER: Trade? You can't be serious.
KRYTEN: Sir, it does appear to be our only option.
18 Model Shot.
Wide shot of Starbug resting half in the lake. A small boat is just
leaving it, heading for the shore.
19 The lakeshore. Night.
LISTER is leading the crew as they hack their way through the tall grass
and reeds. He and CAT are carrying one of the chests. Suddenly, an
arrow flies through the air and thuds into the chest. As they put it
down, KRYTEN removes the arrow and looks at it.
CAT: Give me the arrow! (He takes it) It could tell us a whole heckuva
lot about who we're dealing with here. (Looks the arrow over, then
looks up along the shaft and examines the tip.)
LISTER: Anything?
CAT: Yep! This sure came from a bow alright..... I was expecting to get
a lot more than that.
KRYTEN: (Examining the arrow once again) Hmmm, as we anticipated, they
are the Kinitawowi. Good. I have studied the dialect, they are one of
the friendlier Kinteteacch, or tribes.
LISTER: (Gesturing towards the arrow) Nice welcome!
KRYTEN: No sir, it is a great hcanau or honour to be greeted in this
manner. They would have killed us the instant we landed if they had
taken exception to us. That's a very good sign.
RIMMER: What? It's a good sign they haven't killed us?
KRYTEN: Absolutely sir, with the Kinitawowi *not* skinning you alive the
moment they set eyes on you is one of their warmest greetings. We are
indeed hcan hcasset or blessed.
RIMMER: And Kryten, you are indeed a hcachum babow, or smart alec metal
git.
They cross a small bridge which is on the edge of a village of small mud
and thatch huts. It is lit with many torches and as they enter they are
confronted by a number of figures wearing long dark robes with the hoods
drawn over their faces.
KRYTEN: I will tell them we are traders in search of an engine part and
that we have many rare treasures to trade.(Turns to the gelfs)
Kinitawowi nhich nhichce histan kanoa nakoo bacoo.
One of the creatures comes forward: the leader. His hood is down and
his robe is open. He looks like an ugly Bigfoot {Think of Harry and the
Hendersons if you know it}
Transcriber's Note: From this point on we hear a lot of Kinatawowin and
I have tried to transcribe it as best I could, but it gives you the idea
anyway
GELF LEADER: Nuyer neeal deg dayer.
LISTER: (Opening the chest) Look, look what we got. We got ehmm, swiss
watches, nice watches.(He takes one and gives it to the gelf) Levi
jeans!(Lister takes a pair out and holds them up against the gelf).
Hey! A hat, look at this.(Places baseball cap onto the gelf's head)
Hehehey nice hat. Cigar? (Takes out a cigar and places it in the
gelf's mouth) Cool dude!
KRYTEN: (quietly in LISTER's ear) Err, might I suggest caution sir, some
gelfs have their sphinctral orifices in their faces (LISTER grimaces)
Let's hope you haven't offended him.(Close up of gelf with cigar in
`mouth', he seems happy.) No, he seems quite pleased.
LISTER: We need an oxygeneration unit, savvy?
GELF LEADER: Uhh, unh?
KRYTEN: Agi gan bachwoo machuwahwah
GELF LEADER: (Beckons them to follow) Alees tada.
LISTER: Cat, get the case man.
20 Int. Gelf Hut.
It is quite cramped with all of them in there. There is a fire in the
middle of the hut. The crew are sat on one side and the gelfs on the
other. The gelf leader, who is talking to one of the other gelfs, has a
strange creature in one arm. It is not too dissimilar to the alien from
Aliens only a lot smaller. The gelf leader is feeding this creature
KRYTEN: It seems to be going well.
CAT: What is that thing?
KRYTEN: It's an emohawk sir. A polymorph that is spayed at birth and is
half domesticated. It's trained to change shape at it's owners behest
(Emohawk changes to a rabbit...) like all polymorphs (...then a
standard lamp...) it's an emotional leech, it has the ability to
(...and back to an emohawk) steal emotions from living creatures.
Emotions are a highly valued trading commodity.
A gelf appears, carrying an O/G Unit.
RIMMER: Ahh, the oxygeneration unit.
KRYTEN: Looks like they are ready to fix a price.
RIMMER: I thought we'd already fixed a price with all the bangles and
baubles we'd given them.
KRYTEN: Oh no sir, that was just for the honour of entering their
watunga, or hut. The bartering proper begins now.
GELF LEADER: (Tapping at the O/G unit) Rec raht wig dig ana tut pata.
(Gestures towards LISTER)
KRYTEN: Oh dear.
LISTER: What? (Pulls at his hat) What, you want my hat?
GELF LEADER: Ahg nu dewka ana weg bah. (Again gestures at the O/G unit
and then towards LISTER)
LISTER: My jacket? (Pulls at his jacket) You want my *jacket*?
KRYTEN: No sir, he doesn't want your jacket.
LISTER: He doesn't want my longjohns does he?
KRYTEN: Not your longjohns either sir.
LISTER: Well what then?
GELF LEADER: Ahg nu dewka ana weg bah.
LISTER: *ME*! (To KRYTEN) He wants me?
KRYTEN: Yes sir, he says in exchange for the oxygeneration unit he wants
*you* to be his daughter's mate.
Close up of gelf with longing look in her eyes
LISTER: *That's* his daughter?
KRYTEN: One of three. Apparently sir *she's* the looker.
Close up on gelf again...VERY ugly bigfoot
LISTER: Tell him, not if she was the last water yeti lookalike in the
world and I was the only boy.
RIMMER: Oh, come on, Lister, you've dated worse.
LISTER: Only due to very poor disco lighting.
GELF LEADER: Ana beg ewitah og iy con nich kawal bah.
KRYTEN: He says: no wedding, no O/G unit.
GELFs rise to leave
GELF LEADER: (As they leave) Panta anag ew, panta wa ah.
KRYTEN: Hmm yes, he's giving us 5 hanaka to decide.
RIMMER: How long's a hanaka?
KRYTEN: Curiously enough it's exactly the same as one Earth minute.
CAT: 5 hanaka! That only gives us 28 hours.
LISTER: OK, let's get out our sheet music and play the real waltz. There
is no way I am going down to Moss Bros for anyone who is less
attractive than my own armpit after 20 games of table-tennis.
RIMMER: What about us? You're not going to hang *all* of us out to dry
just because for some reason she doesn't hit your G-spot. What about
sacrifice? Putting your friends interests before your own selfish
drives.
LISTER: Rimmer, it would never work out. She's obviously an Aries, and
me and Aries, forget it.
KRYTEN: Sir, they are a proud people and will not change their minds
unless you are prepared to stay here and marry hackhackhack ach
hachhachach.
LISTER: That's her name? I could never settle down with anyone who's
name sounds like a footballer clearing his nose.
CAT: The plan is obvious. *We* do the trade, *you* go through with the
wedding, when everybody is asleep we come back and rescue you. What do
you say?
LISTER: Not a chance in hell!
21 Int. Wedding Watunga.
The gelf leader is conducting the ceremony. Pan across to LISTER and his
bride. She has flowers and a ribbon in her hair. LISTER has a flower
chain around his hat
GELF LEADER: Ana dok kaz, ana dok wah, hea.
LISTER: I do.
GELF LEADER: Ana zun keh, (Clenches his arms together) zun keh atta.
LISTER: (To KRYTEN) What's he saying?
KRYTEN: Erh, you may kiss the bride sir.
LISTER: (Turns to his bride) What, without a bag?
His bride grabs him and embraces him with a passion. As she lets go
KRYTEN throws confetti over the happy couple. The gelf throws her
bouquet of flowers up and they are caught by RIMMER. An even uglier gelf
smiles and waves a dainty wave at RIMMER who quickly stuffs the bouquet
into CAT's hands. LISTER is lifted off the ground by his `wife' and as
he is carried off screen he calls out to the rest of the crew
LISTER: Don't be strangers guys. Seeya *soon*. Drop in *any* time, any
time.
KRYTEN: (To the gelf leader) Hcanibey yech, onigon yech.
They bow to each other and then appear to go to shake hands but instead
they both lean further forwards around the others back to grab the foot
they have each raised and they then shake feet. KRYTEN, RIMMER and CAT
all leave with the O/G unit
22 Int. Honeymoon Hut.
LISTER is carried in by his bride. She drops him onto the bed and lays
on top of him.
LISTER: (Nervous voice) Well darling, what a day I'm pooped, straight to
sleep for me.
LISTER tries to pull the blanket over himself but the gelf stops him.
GELF: Nee bonnen nic parnin.(She strokes his face)
LISTER: Maybe in the morning, goodnight.(Pulls the blanket up)
The gelf pulls the blanket back down.
LISTER: You've been looking forward to this, haven't you?
GELF: Nack hey.
LISTER: OK, just give me a couple of minutes. I want to slip into
something a little more comfortable.... it's called Starbug.
LISTER gets up and heads for the door.
23 Ext. Gelf Village. Night.
KRYTEN, RIMMER and CAT are just leaving the village. Suddenly LISTER
appears in the background running very fast.
LISTER: CHANGE OF PLAN (He runs past the other three) LEG IT!
They all run off. Further back in the village the gelf comes out of her
hut.
Transcriber's Note: This bit was subtitled
LISTER'S_GELF: He's left me, on my wedding night. Men! They're all
bastards.
GELF LEADER: They've taken the O/G unit. No-one steals from the
kinitawowi. (To the emohawk) Fly my beauty, feast on their emotions,
drain them dry. (He releases the emohawk)
24 Ext. Woods. Night.
The crew are running through the woods
CAT: Wait! Somethings coming.
KRYTEN: It's the emohawk!
Screaching and flapping sounds. Then the noises stop. All look around
warily. CAT picks up a big stick.
LISTER: What happened? Where did it go?
KRYTEN: It must have transmuted into something else. Suggest we proceed
with extreme caution.
They creep along cautiously.
CAT: It's somewhere close I can smell it. (Still wielding stick) IT'S
THE STICK! AAGH! (The stick is still a stick) Oh, no it's not. Oh
god, I'm so jumpy, I thought it was the stick. (Goes to drop stick and
it morphs into the emohawk) IT *IS* THE STICK
ALL: AAAGHHH!
They panic and CAT tosses the stick/emohawk away. LISTER's hat falls
off.
LISTER: Where is it now?
KRYTEN: It's gone off into the undergrowth.
LISTER retrieves his hat and puts it on. They move off and LISTER is
seen stepping on his hat which is lying where it fell!!
LISTER: Cat, you know what they're like. Stay on the case. Don't pick
anything up.(To himself) Unbelievable gettimg suckered like that.
LISTER's `hat' has now changed back to the emohawk and is seen perched on
LISTER's head. No-one else notices as LISTER is at the back of the
party.
LISTER: 100 percent concentration at all times.
CAT: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
25 Int. Starbug mid-section.
The crew enter, KRYTEN is carrying the O/G unit, RIMMER and CAT are
carrying a deflated rubber dinghy. LISTER is last and seals the outer
doors.
LISTER: (As he removes his `hat' and places it on the stack of crates)
That's it: we're airtight. Damn thing can't get in now. (Turns to
CAT) And all it took was a little bit of concentration.
RIMMER: How long before we can go? We don't really want a visit from
Listy's in-laws demanding their wedding present back.
KRYTEN: It'll take an hour or so to get the oxygeneration unit set up,
but suggest we take off now sir and use emergency supplies until the
O/G unit's on line.
RIMMER: What if it doesn't work?
KRYTEN: Then Cat and Mr Lister will choke to death.
RIMMER: A plan with no drawbacks.
Both exit to the cockpit. The emohawk changes into a hen and moves off
into another part of the ship.
26 Model Shot.
External shot of starbug lifting off from the surface.
27 Int. Cockpit.
LISTER: Time we fitted that O/G unit. Kryters!
KRYTEN: I'm on my way sir.
They both leave the cockpit
CAT: That smell is still driving me crazy. I've gotta wash my hands.
Transfering to auto.(Flips a switch and leaves the cockpit)
28 Int. Mid-section.
LISTER and KRYTEN are just leaving with the O/G unit. CAT enters. He
stops and sniffs the air, a puzzled look on his face. He starts
searching for the source of the smell.
29 Int. Galley.
The emohawk is on one of the work surfaces, still in a hen form. It
changes into an opened can of baked beans. Cat enters, sniffing along
the worktops until he comes to the can of beans. He picks it up and
looks inside. The beans are moving about. Before Cat has a chance to
react a tentacle reaches out and slaps a sucker onto his forhead. Cat
cries out as he slumps down out of view. Next view is of the can of
beans sitting innocently on the side again. The can turns into a frog
and leaps into the air. As it does so, it turns into a paper
aeroplane...
30 Int. Cockpit.
...which is seen floating into the cockpit and landing on RIMMER's
console. RIMMER screws it up and throws it in the bin with a despairing
look.
31 Int. Galley.
We can't see CAT - he is below the level of the work surface - but we can
hear him.
CAT: It's stolen my cool, it's taken all my style.
His hands appear on the work surface, then he pulls himself up and we
see... DUANE Dibbley.
DUANE: I need a mirror.(Goes to one of the wall cupboards, tries to open
it but hits his head with the door and all the contents fall out.) I
got no grace, no elan, no poise. (He opens another door and everything
falls out of the cupboards) What's it turned me into? (Picks up a
saucepan and uses the base as a mirror. A look of horror comes onto
his face)
DUANE: (Quietly first) Duane Dibbley? DUANE DIBBLEY! AAAH!
32 Int. Midsection.
RIMMER: (Emerging from the cockpit)What is it? I heard noises.
DUANE: (Enters) Look what it did to me, it's turned me into Duane Dibbley
- the Duke of Dork.
RIMMER: Oh my god, where is it?
DUANE: I lost it, it came in here somewhere.
RIMMER: Can you smell it?
DUANE: The only scent I'm getting is extra strong spot cream and the
dandruff shampoo that doesn't work.
RIMMER: It could be anywhere, it could be anything. Trust nothing.
(Picks up gun from on top of the stack of crates.) It may have
outsmarted you, but it's going to have to get up pretty damn early in
the AM to outsmart Arnie J. (Prowls around the room with the gun held
ready)
DUANE: Is that a new gun? I don't recall seeing it before.
RIMMER: The gun, the emohawk's the gun.(Stuffs the gun into the trash
unit and flushes it) God that was close.
DUANE: I hope you're right, 'cos if you're not, we just flushed away our
only gun.
RIMMER: Just leave the thinking to me, keyboard teeth.
33 Int. Cockpit.
RIMMER enters and jabs at a button on the comms console.
RIMMER: Lister, Kryten, the cat was right. We had brought the emohawk on
board, but lucky for you guys old iron buck was around to sort it
out..... that's wierd, there's something wrong with this microphone.
(Taps a few more buttons) It's not transmitting.
A sucker comes into shot from the console and slaps right on RIMMER's
forehead. RIMMER slides down out of shot.
34 Int. Mid-section.
DUANE: Are you OK sir?
RIMMER: It's removing my bitterness, taking my negativity, slurping out
all my snidieness.
Cut to a close up on the steps down from the cockpit, a slinky {One of
those big spring things kids play with} is coming down the steps. It
reaches the bottom and turns into a remote control car which drives
across the room and turns back into a slinky which leaves by the steps to
the rest of Starbug
DUANE: It's gone now sir, it's OK to come out.
ACE RIMMER emerges from the cockpit.
ACE: Looks like we both bought a bite from the blighter. Let's track it
down before it harms Kryters or Dave. I'm afraid this means death for
both of us, but that's a small price to pay to save our chummies, eh?
DUANE: What a guy. Listen, before we leave I just gotta change these
clothes. If I don't get into some sideways ironed flares and
transparent plastic sandles, I swear I'll go crazy.
ACE: Do what you have to old chum. I'll go tell them we're having a
party.
35 Int. Starbug Engine Room.
LISTER and KRYTEN are installing the O/G unit. We hear a 'clunk'
LISTER: What was that?
KRYTEN: The hydraulic lock sir, we're sealed in.
LISTER: (Tapping at the door panel) It won't override.
The view screen comes on and ACE appears.
ACE: I've sealed you in the engine room, Dave. Afraid me and the Cat
have taken a bit of a nip from the emohawk.
LISTER: You what? It's on board?
ACE: It's taken my bitterness and Cat's cool. He's in a helluva shape -
he's looking so geeky he probably couldn't even get into a science
fiction convention.
KRYTEN: And the emohawk is still on the loose?
ACE: We've got it pinned down in the obs room.
LISTER: Well let us in, you need all the help you can get.
ACE: No-one I'd rather have with me in a fracas, Dave, but you're the
last human being alive, old love, and frankly you're just too damn
valuable to risk. Only one way to guarantee victory for the home
eleven: I'm going to open the airlock. Suck the little perisher out
into deep space.
KRYTEN: But sir, that would also kill you and the Cat!
ACE: He won't suffer, Kryters; I'll snap his neck when he's not looking.
Won't feel a thing. Believe me, he'd want it this way.
KRYTEN: But sir, if we could capture the creature we could extract the
DNA strands and re-inject you both. Restore your former personalities.
ACE: Too risky Krytey. Anyway, I don't think I could face becoming *him*
again. Everyone has his limits. Fellas, smoke me a kipper, I'll be
back for breakfast.
The screen blanks.
LISTER: What a guy!
KRYTEN: But sir, we've got to save them from themselves, their minds are
totally distorted, the Cat's a complete yutz and Mr Rimmer's ...
well... *nice*.
LISTER: Charge up the bazookoids. We'll blast our way in.
36 Int. Mid-scection.
DUANE enters in full Dibbley clothing.
ACE: Ready old chum?
DUANE: (Seems nervous) Just let me check. Thermos, sandwiches, corn
plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, animal footprint chart and
one triple thick condom, you never know!
ACE: OK Duane, let's step into the airlock and get part 2 of the plan
underway.
DUANE: Oh, what plan is this?
ACE: Just step in there, Duane. (DUANE does so and ACE steps in after)
DUANE: So, what precisely is the plan?
ACE: I think you'll find it a little more comfortable if you stand in
front of me.
DUANE: Why are we in this airlock?
ACE: Just relax old chum. I'm sending you on ahead.
DUANE: *I'm* the scout party?
We hear an explosion, like some-one blasting a door down. LISTER and
KRYTEN enter.
ACE: Dave, you crazy fool. We're all set to save your bacon, there's no
need for you to sling your love spuds on the barbeque.
KRYTEN: Sir, our best chance is to tackle the emohawk together.
LISTER: Yeah, one squirt of liquid dillinium, it'll freeze it exactly
where it stands in whatever shape it's in.
ACE: OK fellas, let's go.
They move into an adjoining room and find a hole in the floor
ACE: Looks like it's lasered it's way back into the engine rooms.
Probably looking for you two gents, let's go.
They all move out.
37 Int. Engine room.
ACE kicks the door in and they all file in after him. ACE and LISTER are
carrying bazookoids, KRYTEN is carrying a somewhat smaller gun and DUANE
is carrying a thermos flask and a lunch box.
KRYTEN: According to the psi scan it's somewhere in this location.
LISTER: (looking around a little nervously) IT'S THE BARREL! (Blasts
away, with little result, stops suddenly a little embarressed) Sorry,
false alarm.
They move forward a little further, still nervously looking about.
LISTER: That chain. (Points bazookoid at a chain hanging from the
ceiling) IT'S MOVING!! (Again blasts away at the chain with about as
much result as last time.) Sorry, sorry.
KRYTEN: Sir, try and remain calm, you're experiencing a classic knee-jerk
paranoid reaction to a terror situation, it's essential at this time
that we IT'S THE WALL!! (Blasts away at the wall for a few seconds with
no apparent effect.) Shame overload. I..I...I, sorry.
LISTER: This is impossible, how can we find something that can disguise
itself as anything? How can we lure it out?
ACE: Worry ye not Davey boy, it'll strike soon enough.
They search on a bit more ACE, KRYTEN, LISTER and DUANE at the rear,
whistling. He has the thermos in one hand and the lunchbox in the other,
he stops and looks down, puts the thermos and lunchbox in the same hand.
DUANE: Oops, I dropped my thermos. (Picks up another thermos and as he
stands again he looks from hand to hand and realises he now has two
thermos's {Or is that thermii?}. The others have moved on a bit by
now) Eh, excuse me sirs. Gentlemen, I think we have a suspect. (He
holds out the second thermos which changes into the emohawk) I got it!
(Disappears from view momentarily...) I got it! (and again, but this
time he is holding a hand grenade) Oh, it turned into a grenade, but I
got it!
ACE: Toss it away chum.
DUANE: I can't throw, I throw like a geek!
ACE: Just chuck it.
ACE, LISTER and KRYTEN all have weapons at the ready. DUANE throws it in
the air and it lands at his feet.
LISTER: It's gonna blow.(Drops the bazookoid)
ACE: Leave this to me Davey boy. (Throws himself on the grenade) Smoke
me a kipper, I'll be...(A small explosion of some sort goes off under
ACE. He rolls off and grabs the emohawk and holds it out at arms
length) Freeze it Davey boy.
LISTER sprays a cylinder over it as ACE drops it onto the floor. The
emohawk is frozen solid.
KRYTEN: But, sir how did you know it wouldn't damage your hard light
drive?
ACE: Didn't Kryters, just trying to protect you chaps.
They all start to walk away.
KRYTEN: Well sir, better get you back to normal.
ACE: Would it be possible for me to stay like this for another 24 hours
before I have to return as *that* (spits) ghastly maggot?
KRYTEN: It's the least we can do to thank you sir. And you, Cat, would
you like to stay as Duane?
DUANE: Suck my thermos! I hate being the prince of dorkness, you never
know when the next clutzy thing's going to...(He accidently sets off
the dillinium cannister spraying the other three, which freezes them to
the spot.) Oop... What a Dibbley!
He taps ACE, KRYTEN and LISTER on the heads
The End.
Credits:
Rimmer Chris Barrie :It's cold outside,
Lister Craig Charles :there's no kind of atmosphere,
Cat Danny John-Jules :I'm all alone,
Kryten Robert LLewllyn :more or less,
Computer Hugh Quarshie :let me fly
Gelf Martin Sims :far away from here,
Gelf Chief Ainsley Harriot :Fun, fun, fun,
Gelf bride Steven Wickham :in the sun, sun,sun.
Music Howard Goodall :I want to lie
Casting Jane Davies :shipwrecked and comatose,
Production Accountant :drinking fresh
Louise Westaway :mango juice.
Video Effects Karl Mooney :Goldfish shoals
Production Co-ordinator :nibbling at my toes,
Cressida Sherston :Fun, fun, fun,
Production Team :in the sun, sun, sun,
Bridget Chick :Fun, fun, fun,
Mark Ingram :in the sun, sun, sun,
Floor Manager Simon Wallace
Camera Supervisor Rocket
Vision Mixer Simon Sanders
Vision Supervisor Mike Spencer
Insert Editor Peter Bates
Gaffer Ron Green
Lighting Assistant Dai Thomas
Property Master Simon Dalton
Properties Buyer Springer Horrill
Technical Manager Jeff Jeffrey
Videotape Editor Graham Hutchings
Stage Manager Rina Konstantinou
Production Assistant Christine Moses
Costume Design Howard Burden, Gill Shaw
Make-up Design Andria Pennell, Annie McEwan
Visual Effects Design Peter Wragg, Alan Marshall
Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes
Lighting Director John Pomphrey
Production Design Mel Bibby, Stephen Bradshaw
Production Manager Kerry Waddell
Executive Producers ROB GRANT, DOUG NAYLOR
Producer Justin Judd
Director Andy De Emmony
A Grant Naylor Production For BBC
BBC North MCMXCIII
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-64155853512660938732012-11-01T09:51:00.003-07:002012-11-01T09:51:59.549-07:00Season 6 Episode 3 - Gunmen of the Apocalypse RED DWARF Series VI Episode 3, "Gunmen of The Apocalypse"<br /><br />1 Ext. Dockside. Black And White.<br /><br />The city: unknown. The time: midnight. A bell tolls mournfully in the<br />distance, and waves lap against the side of the docks. A staccato rap of<br />heels sounds through the fog, growing steadily louder, until a woman<br />steps through the mists into the harsh glare of the streetlights. She is<br />carrying two heavy suitcases; she drops these and stands, silently<br />waiting. A black '38 Bentley glides to a stop a few metres away, and a<br />detective steps out. As he approaches her, he draws out a packet of<br />cigarettes.<br /><br />DETECTIVE: Maybe it's the moonlight but I've got to admit you're looking<br /> pretty good for a corpse.<br /><br />He lights the cigarrete, and the light from the match throws his features<br />into sharp illumination; DAVE LISTER<br /><br />LORETTA: Philip, I can explain everything.<br />LISTER: Let me save you the trouble. It was you that planned Pallisters<br /> murder, but your twin sister Maxine squibbed him off. You decided to<br /> take the rap, knowing you had the perfect alibi in me. That's why you<br /> came on so strong that night: Play me for the dumb sap I am.<br />LORETTA: Philip, it wasn't like that, not with you.<br />LISTER: Oh yeah?<br />LORETTA: So what you going to do, turn me in? Watch me do the sit down<br /> dance in the electric chair at Sing Sing?<br />LISTER: No, sweetlips, I'm gonna let you kiss me.<br /><br />2 Int. Starbug Ops Room.<br /><br />LISTER is wearing a Artificial Reality Headset and grinding his hips<br />rythmically, fumbling at an imaginary bra strap and sticking his tounge<br />down an imaginary throat. KRYTEN walks into the Ops Room at this moment.<br /><br />KRYTEN: Sir I think you should come and take a look at this.<br /><br />LISTER continues to fumble at the straps.<br /><br />KRYTEN: Sir it really is quiet urgent.<br />LISTER: I want you Loretta, I want you body next to mine. I want you<br /> like you were that Tuesday night. Kiss me.<br />KRYTEN: Honestly, you haven't been off this machine in a month!<br /><br />3 Ext. Dockside. Black And White.<br /><br />Philip (LISTER) and LORETTA are still stood on the dock.<br /><br />LORETTA: Philip, I don't understand.<br />LISTER: It's simple Loretta, this isn't real, it's an AR computer<br /> simulation game. I'm supposed to hand you over to the cops and wind up<br /> with the goody-goody heroine. I've played it before. It's just that<br /> you drive me wild. You're the sexiest computer sprite I've ever seen.<br />LORETTA: Ohh Philip.<br />LISTER: I don't care that you've killed three men...<br />LORETTA: Five.<br />LISTER: ...whatever. It's not your fault, it's the way you're<br /> programmed.<br />LORETTA: So you take me for what I am - a pyschopathic, scizophrenic,<br /> serial killing femme fatale?<br />LISTER: Forgive and forget, that's what I say.<br /><br />4 Int. Starbug Ops Room.<br /><br />In Starbug KRYTEN is accessing the AR console to enter the game. The<br />game's name - "Gumshoe" - is shown on the console and KRYTEN is asked to<br />select a character.<br /><br />KRYTEN: Choose you chracter. OHHHGGHHH, honestly, I just want to talk to<br /> him. Ohhh anything, Sammy the Squib, crack shot with Tommy gun,<br /> engage. Ohhh, it's so frivolous!<br /><br />KRYTEN enters the game as his snaps down his headset.<br /><br />5 Ext. Dockside. Black And White.<br /><br />KRYTEN: Mr Lister sir ??<br /><br />The Black Bentley from earlier is still on the dockside. The suspension<br />is rocking backwards and forwards making a squeaking noise.<br /><br />KRYTEN: Hmmm, curious.<br /><br />KRYTEN Knocks on the car's rear window. LISTER winds down the window and<br />puts his head out.<br /><br />LISTER: Hi Kryten. What are you doing here?<br />KRYTEN: Sir, I've just got the results of the chemical scan, I've<br /> discovered minute amounts of millenium oxide in the local vicinity.<br />LISTER: Couldn't be more pleased for you. See you in an hour.<br />KRYTEN: Sir, I believe we've wandered accidentally into a rogue simulant<br /> hunting zone. That would explain the devastation on the derelicts<br /> where we picked up this very game.<br />LORETTA: Philip, who is it?<br /><br />LORETTA sticks her head of the car.<br /><br />LORETTA: Ohhh, it's Sammy the Squib.<br />KRYTEN: Orrrhh, good evening Miss.<br />LORETTA: Don't kill me Sammy, I'll do anything, kill him. I'll come away<br /> with you Sammy, it'll be just like the old days. I never stopped<br /> loving you Sammy. Kiss me.<br />LISTER: You're trash, aren't you?<br />LORETTA: I'm programmed to be trash.<br />LISTER: I can't resist her Kryten, get back in the car. I never fall for<br /> women who are any good for me Kryten, it's either heartbreakers or<br /> moral garbage on legs.<br />KRYTEN: Sir, you have to turn off the AR console. We have to close down<br /> and continue on silent running in order to avoid detection.<br />LISTER: 10 minutes.<br />KRYTEN: Sir.<br />LISTER: 5 minutes, I'll keep my hat on.<br />KRYTEN: Now.<br />LORETTA: Philip?<br />LISTER: I'll be back sweetlips. Stay bad.<br /><br />LISTER and KRYTEN clap hands and leave the game.<br /><br />6 Int. Starbug Ops Room.<br /><br />They both remove their game helmets.<br /><br />LISTER: Kryten, you are a total gooseberry. Next time I play on the AR<br /> machine I'm going to give you some money and send you to the pictures.<br /><br />7 Int. Starbug Cockpit.<br /><br />RIMMER and CAT are standing and sat respectively. There is a powering<br />down noise and all the lights dim.<br /><br />RIMMER: At last, we have silent running. OK, long range scanners are<br /> down - the only early warning we've got is you. Stay alert.<br />CAT: OK bud, I'll keep my nose peeled.<br /><br />8 Int. Starbug Mid-section.<br /><br />RIMMER enters from the cockpit whilst LISTER and KRYTEN come down from<br />the Ops Room above via the stairs.<br /><br />RIMMER: You took your time. Where've you been?<br />LISTER: I was in the AR machine.<br />RIMMER: Again??<br />LISTER: What'd you mean again?<br />RIMMER: Everyone knows you only use the AR machine to have sex.<br />LISTER: That is not true.<br />RIMMER: Yes, true. It's pathetic watching you grind away day after day.<br /> It's like a dog that's missing it's masters leg. That groinal<br /> attachment's supposed to have a lifetimes gurantee, you've worn it out<br /> in nearly three weeks.<br />LISTER: That is an outrageous scandalous piece of libel. I don't just<br /> play the role play games. What about the sporting simulations? Like<br /> zero-gee kick boxing and Wimbledon.<br />RIMMER: You only play Wimbledon cos you're having it off with that jail<br /> bait ball girl.<br />LISTER: Is another total lie. She's not jail bait, she's seventeen.<br />RIMMER: Lister, she's a computer sprite, and surely that's the point;<br /> she's just a load of pixels.<br />LISTER: Yeah, but what pixels!<br /><br />9 Int. Starbug Cockpit.<br /><br />CAT and KRYTEN are sitting at the controls. LISTER enters, followed bv<br />RIMMER.<br /><br />LISTER: What's all the hullabaloo?<br />CAT: We've wandered into rouge simulant country.<br />KRYTEN: Bio-mechanical killers created for a war that never took place.<br /> Some of them escaped the dismantelling programme and now they prowl<br /> around deep space searching for a quarry worthy of their mettle.<br />RIMMER: I say we should abandon the pursuit of Red Dwarf and flee from<br /> the zone.<br />LISTER: Give up the chase? Are you kidding?<br />CAT: Wait, my nose is getting something.<br />KRYTEN: Powering up.<br />RIMMER: Scanners report a battle class cruiser on intercept.<br />KRYTEN: It's rougue simulants all right.<br />RIMMER: Recommend immediate total and unequivical surrender.<br />KRYTEN: Sir, surrender is the worst thing we could do. They despise<br /> humans and all forms of humanoid life. They believe you to be the<br /> vermin of the universe sir. (Looking at LISTER).<br />CAT: I didn't know they'd met him.<br />KRYTEN: Getting a message. Punching it up.<br /><br />A face appears on KRYTEN's screen.<br /><br />SIMULANT CAPTAIN: State your species and purpose.<br />RIMMER: One of us will have to speak to them. Who's the least human<br /> looking? Listy, the mike's all yours.<br />LISTER: Wait a minute. I've got an idea. Stall them with static.<br /> Kryten mid-section. Cat, you too.<br /><br />The three move through to the mid-section.<br /><br />SIMULANT CAPTAIN: (On monitor) Why do you delay? State your species and<br /> purpose. You have one minute.<br />RIMMER: Lister, what the hell are you doing?<br />LISTER: Wait a minute, nearly ready... OK, stand by to transmit.<br /><br />10 Int. Simulant Ship. Dark.<br /><br />The cockpit of the simulant ship. Two simulants, the Captain and a<br />lieutanant, are at their controls.<br /><br />SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: Incoming.<br /><br />The monitor comes to life. What appears to be a strange alien life form<br />comes on screen. It is, in fact, the bottom half of LISTER's face, shot<br />upside down below the nose. Taped to his chin is one of Kryten's<br />eyeball's.<br /><br />LISTER: I am Tarka Dall, an ambassador of the great Vindaloovian Empire.<br />SIMULANT CAPTAIN: Scanners report a human life on your vessel. Is this<br /> so?<br />LISTER: Humans! (spit) The Vindaloovian People despise all humans. They<br /> are the vermin of the Universe. Is that not right Bindi Baji?<br /><br />The screen pans to CAT, who is in the same disguise.<br /><br />CAT: You bet, we hate them. Scum, scum, scum, scum, scum!<br />LISTER: The Vinadloovian Empire is pledged to exterminate them all.<br /><br />11 Int. Mid-section.<br /><br />RIMMER walks through from the cockpit just as the SIMULANT CAPTAIN beams<br />aboard Starbug. LISTER and CAT, bent backwards over the scanner table,<br />are not in any position to notice him, and neither is KRYTEN, whose eyes<br />they are using.<br /><br />LISTER: We will not rest until out task is completed.<br />RIMMER: Errrrrr, Lister.<br /><br />LISTER and CAT sit up from the scanning table.<br /><br />LISTER: Hi.<br />CAT: How's it going Bud ?<br /><br />LISTER and CAT hand the eyeballs back to KRYTEN, who screws them in.<br /><br />SIMULANT CAPTAIN: A human, a humanoid, a hologrammatical human and a<br /> mechanoid who is a slave to humans. I had hoped for so much more.<br />RIMMER: I've no idea who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act of<br /> war. Ergo, we surrender. And as prisoners of war I invoke the All<br /> Nations Agreement article number 39436175880932/B.<br />KRYTEN: 39436175880932/B. "All nations attending the conference are only<br /> allocated one parking space". Is that entirely relevant, sir? I mean,<br /> here we are in mortal danger, and you're worried about the Chinese<br /> delegates bringing two cars?<br />RIMMER: Can't you let just one go? I was talking about the right of P-O-<br /> W's to non-violent constraint.<br />KRYTEN: But that's 75880932/C, sir.<br />RIMMER: It's embarrassing as much as anything else. Here you are totally<br /> humiliating me in front of this xenophobic, genocidal maniac...... no<br /> offence.<br />SIMULANT CAPTAIN: Primitive! You will be no sport at all. I have no<br /> alternative.<br /><br />The SIMULANT CAPTAIN shoots RIMMER, KRYTEN, LISTER and CAT before they<br />can move. They all slump to the ground.<br /><br />12 Int. Starbug Cockpit.<br /><br />The crew awaken in the Starbug's cockpit, sat at their controls.<br /><br />RIMMER: How long have we been out?<br />LISTER: According to the navicomp, three weeks.<br />KRYTEN: Strange.. the drive interface has been upgraded, and so have the<br /> engines.<br />RIMMER: And if this readout is correct, we've been armed. Laser cannons.<br />LISTER: They've totally upgraded the whole ship.<br />CAT: They've even got rid of the squeak on the seat tilt control.<br /><br />The SIMULANT CAPTAIN's face appears on the monitor.<br /><br />SIMULANT CAPTAIN: We have made some improvements to your craft. Now at<br /> least you may prove to be of some small amusement.<br />SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: You have two Earth minutes before we attack.<br />RIMMER: Let's get out of here.<br />CAT: Wait, I know this game. It's called cat and mouse, and there's only<br /> one way to win; don't be the mouse.<br />LISTER: What are you saying?<br />CAT: I'm saying, the mouse never wins. Not unless you believe those<br /> lying cartoons. We don't run, we strike. It's the last thing they'll<br /> be expecting.<br />RIMMER: No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into<br /> ice skating mongooses and to dance the Bolero. And your plan makes<br /> about as much sense.<br />LISTER: I say go with it.<br />KRYTEN: Agreed.<br />CAT: You're going to go with one of my plans? Are you nuts? What<br /> happens if we all get killed? I'll never hear the last of it!<br /><br />13 Model Shot.<br /><br />Starbug pivots in flight and fires it's new laser cannons into the side<br />of the simulant ship.<br /><br />14 Int. Simulant Ship.<br /><br />The simulants look worried.<br /><br />SIMULANT CAPTAIN: What are they doing? Power up the weapons!<br /><br />15 Int. Starbug Cockpit.<br /><br />LISTER: Nailed them.<br /><br />16 Int. Simulant Ship.<br /><br />SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: Fluke hit.<br />SIMULANT CAPTAIN: Take them with us.<br />SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: Can't return fire.<br />SIMULANT CAPTAIN: Hack into their navigation computer. Transmit the<br /> Armageddon Virus.<br /><br />17 Int. Stabug cockpit.<br /><br />The Navicomp starts to spark.<br /><br />LISTER: What is it ?<br />KRYTEN: The navicomp, something's wrong.<br />SIMULANT CAPTAIN: (On screen) See you in Silicon Hell.<br /><br />18 Model Shot.<br /><br />The simulant ship explodes.<br /><br />19 Int. Starbug Cockpit.<br /><br />KRYTEN: Shutdown all network links. The navicomp has been infected with<br /> a virus.<br />LISTER: The navicomp has frozen us out, we're locked on this course. If<br /> we carry on ahead at this speed, how long before we hit trouble?<br />RIMMER: Well if you define trouble as a rather large moon directly in our<br /> path, about 38 minutes.<br />KRYTEN: Sir, the only solution is for me to contract the virus myself,<br /> analyze it's structure and attempt to create a software antidote before<br /> it wipes out my core program. Do I have your permission to sacrifice<br /> myself, sirs?<br />RIMMER: Do Lemmings like cliffs? Granted!<br />KRYTEN: I am going to have to create a dove program.<br />CAT: Dove program?<br />KRYTEN: A dove program spreads peace through the system, obliterating the<br /> viral cells as it goes.<br /><br />KRYTEN puts on head sensors and contracts the virus from the navicomp.<br /><br />KRYTEN: The virus is extremely complex. I will have to dedicate all my<br /> run time to its solution. Shutting down all non essential systems.<br />LISTER: Is there anything we can do? Can we help?<br />KRYTEN: Watch my dreams.<br /><br />20 Int. Ops Room..<br /><br />KRYTEN lies on the medi-bed whilst the others are gathered round him.<br /><br />RIMMER: 23 minutes to impact. Any change?<br />LISTER: Getting worse. Weaker and weaker.<br />RIMMER: Look, sooner or later we are going to have to face the fact that<br /> we are not all going to get out of this in one piece. Or if we are,<br /> it's going to one big flat piece.<br />LISTER: And?<br />RIMMER: It's time we decided who's going to take the one man escape pod.<br />CAT: How?<br />RIMMER: Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair<br /> and equitable system of choosing who should survive. It's based on<br /> age, rank, seniority, usefulness, and to cut a long story short, it's<br /> me. I was a stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount.<br /> Well, blow me if it didn't come out as me again. Keys.<br />LISTER: Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option.<br />RIMMER: Why not?<br />LISTER: It escaped last Thursday. I was having a few beers, I couldn't<br /> be bothered moving so I used the release mechanism as a bottle opener.<br /> Whhoossshhh.<br />RIMMER: That's it then, we're finished.<br />CAT: Wait, we're getting something.<br /><br />21 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.<br /><br />The monitor clears and KRYTEN is shown, dressed as a Sheriff in an 1800's<br />Western town. He is drunk. He throws an empty whisky bottle away before<br />pausing before a wanted poster of the Apocalypse boys and entering a<br />saloon.<br /><br />22 Int. Ops Room.<br /><br />CAT: What is this?<br />LISTER: I think we've tapped directly into whatever passes for Kryten's<br /> sub-concious.<br />CAT: Why's he a Sheriff in some old western?<br />LISTER: Must be how his core program is coping with the battle against<br /> the virus. For whatever reason it's converted the struggle into some<br /> kind of dream.<br /><br />23 Int. Saloon. Day.<br /><br />Busy. A PIANO PLAYER plays a honky tonk version of Red Dwarf theme:<br />KRYTEN enters and tries to steer his way towards the bar. He passes<br />JIMMY - a smooth oaf, playing cards with some unruly COWPOKES.<br /><br />JIMMY: Well, well, well sheriff, fancy seeing a man of your sober<br /> disposition in a low down drinking establishemnt.<br />KRYTEN: Now, now boys, I don't want any trouble. Just doing my rounds.<br /><br />As KRYTEN steps toward the bar JIMMY trips him up.<br /><br />KRYTEN: You shouldn't ought to have done that Jimmy.<br /><br />There is a scrape of stools and tables and JIMMY stands, hands on guns.<br /><br />JIMMY: Why don't you try it, Sheriff. They say you used to be faster<br /> than a toilet stop in rattlesnake country.<br />KRYTEN: Sorry I tripped over your boot there Mr Jimmy sir. Arrrhhheeemm.<br /> Didn't mean any harm by it.<br /><br />KRYTEN turns to the bar.<br /><br />KRYTEN: Give me two fingers of your best sipping liquor, Miss Lola, and<br /> make it the smooth stuff. The stuff where you get your eyesight back<br /> after two days. Guaranteed.<br />JIMMY: The Apocalypse boys is here. They's asking for you, Sheriff.<br />KRYTEN: I'll be right out.<br /><br />KRYTEN takes numerous gulps of whisky before leaving the saloon to face<br />the Apocalypse boys on the porch.<br /><br />24 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.<br /><br />The FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE sit menacingly on horseback outside<br />the saloon. The bat-wing doors part and a nervous KRYTEN emerges<br />swigging from a bottle of hooch.<br /><br />KRYTEN: I don't believe I've had the pleasures, sirs.<br /><br />DEATH spits out some chewing tobacco, which fizzles on the street like<br />acid.<br /><br />DEATH: The name's Death. And these here're my brothers. Brother War...<br /><br />WAR laughs and flames shoot out of his mouth.<br /><br />DEATH: Brother Famine...<br /><br />Fat FAMINE nods and takes a bite of chicken.<br /><br />DEATH: and Brother Pestilence.<br /><br />PESTILENCE grins, showing horrible broken teeth. He swipes idly at the<br />swarm of buzzing flies around his head.<br /><br />KRYTEN: Well, you seem like a nice neighbourly bunch of boys. How can I<br /> be of service?<br /><br />All FOUR APOCALYPSE BOYS draw, shooting KRYTEN's hat off, and his bottle<br />from his hand, as he dances around trying to avoid the hail of bullets.<br />Finally the gunfire stops.<br /><br />DEATH: We want your sorry ass out of here. You got one hour.<br /><br />DEATH spits a sizzler again, and THE FOUR HORSEMEN turn and gallop under<br />a dangling sign: 'YOU ARE NOW LEAVING EXISTENCE', and as the HORSEMEN<br />ride under it, they disappear. KRYTEN takes off his sheriff's star and<br />throws it on the ground.<br /><br />25 Int. Ops Room.<br /><br />LISTER: He's losing the battle. Look at his lifesigns, they're barely<br /> registering.<br />CAT: Isn't there some way we can get in there and help him? Somehow turn<br /> ourselves into tiny electronic people and get into his dream? Isn't<br /> there some sort of gizmo lying around someplace that can do that? And<br /> if not (punches hand) why not?!<br />RIMMER: Look, I think we've all got something we can bring to this<br /> discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is<br /> silence.<br />LISTER: No, no, no, I think he's got something.<br />CAT: Twice in one lifetime! When you're hot, you're hot.<br />LISTER: If we link up the artificial reality console to Kryten's mind, we<br /> should be able to project directly into his dream state like it was a<br /> normal computer game.<br />CAT: What did I tell you? We don't even have to leave the room!<br />RIMMER: What about me?<br />LISTER: We'll shut all extraneous systems and power up your hard light<br /> drive. Come on guys, lets get these wagons rolling.<br /><br />26 Int. Ops Room. Later.<br /><br />LISTER, CAT and RIMMER are gathered round the AR console making<br />selections on the screen.<br /><br />LISTER: There we go, I've loaded in some characters from an AR western<br /> game. Choose a player from 1 to 3.<br />CAT: Two.<br /><br />The image and stats of The Riveria Kid are shown on the console.<br /><br />LISTER: Here you go, you're the Riveria Kid, special skills ace gun<br /> slinger. Rimsy?<br />RIMMER: Uno.<br /><br />The image and stats of Dan are shown on the screen.<br /><br />LISTER: One. Dangerous Dan McGrew,special skills, bare fist fighting.<br /> Which leaves me with Brett Riverboat, knife man.<br />RIMMER: And we definitely can't get hurt?<br />LISTER: No, it's just like a normal computer game, you can get out at<br /> anytime. There's a button on the inside of the glove, when you want to<br /> get out, just clap. OK, Riveria, OK Dangerous. Lets mosey on into<br /> town.<br /><br />Flipping down the AR visors, they assume horse-riding positions and start<br />to "gallop".<br /><br />27 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.<br /><br />Through a swirling mist LISTER, CAT and RIMMER gallop into town. They<br />dismount before the saloon and, tying their horses to the hitching post,<br />enter through the bat-wing doors.<br /><br />28 Int. Saloon. Day.<br /><br />RIMMER: I've seen Westerns, I know how to speak cowboy.<br /><br />The three step up to the bar.<br /><br />RIMMER: Dry white wine and Perrier please. And what about you two chaps?<br />LISTER: Rimmer, what westerns have you seen? Butch Accountant and the<br /> Yuppie Kid?<br />CAT: Leave this to me, this sounds like one for the Riveria Kid !!!<br /><br />As CAT speaks his character's name he throws back his hands and dances a<br />little Mexican dance accompanied by a Spanish Guitar.<br /><br />CAT: Ehhh, Senorita, tequila porfavore.<br />LOLA: What?<br />LISTER: He means three shots of gulping whisky, mam.<br /><br />CAT and LISTER down their shots in one. Shocked expressions, hoarse<br />voices;<br /><br />LISTER: Very smooth.<br />CAT: I was expecting something with a little more kick to it.<br />RIMMER: (Contemplating his undrunk whisky.) I don't suppose you've got<br /> any ginger ale mixers.<br /><br />LOLA spits into RIMMER's face.<br /><br />RIMMER: I'll take that as a no then, I'll have it neat.<br /><br />RIMMER downs the whisky, gulping. The smile freezes on his face. He<br />grabs the hat being used as the pot in a card game, and is sick into it.<br />Music and talk stop. The owner of the hat stands and looms, making<br />RIMMER look shorter than a Clint Eastwood speech. Chairs scrape back<br />from tables.<br /><br />BEAR STRANGLER MCGEE: A man beans up in the hat of Bear Strangler Mcgee,<br /> he's either mighty brave or mighty stupid. Which are you, boy?<br />RIMMER: Sorry, what were the choices again?<br /><br />LISTER hands some money to MCGEE.<br /><br />LISTER: You'll have to forgive our friend, he's a souple of Gunmen short<br /> of a posse.<br />BEAR STRANGLER MCGEE: That pays for the hat. What about the insult?<br />RIMMER: OK. You're a fat bearded git with breath that could knock-out a<br /> grizzly.<br />LISTER: (Shoving the rest of his money into MCGEE's hands.) Take the<br /> lot, man. Rimmer, what is wrong with you?<br />RIMMER: Relax! You said yourself, Lister, no-one can hurt us. Besides,<br /> you're forgetting: I'm Dangerous Dan McGrew, Bare Fist Fighter Extra-<br /> ordinaire.<br /><br />KRYTEN enters the saloon carrying a small wooden box.<br /><br />KRYTEN: Here Lola, all my valuables are in this here box. You can have<br /> it all for one bottle of mind rotter.<br />LOLA: You're trading in your shooting irons?<br /><br />The box contains guns and some carrots.<br /><br />KRYTEN: No use to me. I've got the shakes so bad, I'm like a couple of<br /> porcupines on their wedding night.<br />LOLA: Carrots?<br />KRYTEN: I'm throwing in my mule, Dignity.<br />RIMMER: Mr Sad Git or what?<br /><br />LISTER leans over to KRYTEN.<br /><br />LISTER: Kryten it's us, man.<br />KRYTEN: Sorry friend, I don't believe I've had the pleasure.<br />LISTER: Kryten, don't you know who we are, why you're here? You're<br /> fighting an electronic virus, you're trying to create a dove program.<br /> Some sort of software antidote to wipe it out.<br />KRYTEN: I'll drink to that.<br />CAT: Listen to him pooch head, the virus is winning, you've got to get<br /> your head together and start fighting it.<br /><br />There is a sudden crack as JIMMY gets the bottle off KRYTEN using a bull<br />whip. He then dangles the drink temptingly in front of KRYTEN.<br /><br />JIMMY: Want a drink Sheriff? Why don't you come and take one?<br />KRYTEN: Now now Jimmy, there's no need to be going make me look foolish.<br />JIMMY: Come on Sheriff, jump! You can get higher than that!<br /><br />LISTER steps forward.<br /><br />LISTER: Leave him alone.<br />JIMMY: Just having a little fun, Mr Swankypants.<br />LISTER: The names Brett Riverboat, knifeman. (whisper) Let's see how<br /> good you are.<br /><br />LISTER demonstrates some brilliant knifework by disarming JIMMY and<br />pinning him to the wall.<br /><br />JIMMY: Son of a ....<br /><br />LISTER finishes up by throwing an apple into JIMMY's mouth.<br /><br />JIMMY: Frank, Nuke, line his lungs with lead.<br /><br />As the two Gunmen stand up, the CAT steps forward.<br /><br />JIMMY: Who in the heck are you?<br />CAT: The call me the Kid, the Riveria Kid!!<br /><br />Cue the CAT's Riveria Kid dance.<br /><br />JIMMY: Well, Riveria Kid, let's see if your shooting is a fancy as your<br /> dancing.<br /><br />FRANK and NUKE both draw and fire off a shot each. Back to the CAT, who<br />casually draws and fires. There are two mid-air flashes half-way between<br />the CAT and the GUN_FIGHTERS, and two bullets clatter to the floor.<br /><br />JIMMY: He shot the damn bullets out of the air!<br />KRYTEN: Well, it's been mighty dandy meeting you boys, but if I'm not out<br /> of here by sun-up the buzzards will be fighting the lizards for my<br /> gizzards.<br /><br />KRYTEN makes a run for the door.<br /><br />LISTER: If he leaves town, we're dead. Stop him!<br /><br />As the three try to follow KRYTEN from the saloon they are attacked by<br />some of the patrons. RIMMER puts his bare fist fighting skills into<br />practice by beating up the three men.<br /><br />RIMMER: Marvellous.<br /><br />RIMMER dusts himself down and leaves the saloon.<br /><br />29 Ext. Streets OF Laredo. Day.<br /><br />KRYTEN is running for the town's edge.<br /><br />CAT: Hey buddy!<br />RIMMER: Hold it!<br />LISTER: You gotta stay!<br />CAT: This is a job for the Riveria Kid!<br /><br />CAT does the Riviera Kid dance, draws his gun, and fires. The bullet<br />hits a tin bath and ricochets across the street, where it hits a bell and<br />ricochets again. Wide shot of the street as the bullet zig-zags towards<br />KRYTEN, finally severing the support on one side of the dangling<br />'EXISTENCE' sign, which swings down and flattens KRYTEN. The other three<br />gather round the fallen mechanoid.<br /><br />KRYTEN: But boys you don't understand, I've got to leave. Look (pointing<br /> at the town clock): it's ten to Death.<br />LISTER: OK, we've got ten minutes to sober him up and get him in shape.<br /> Come on.<br /><br />30 Int. Sheriff's Office.<br /><br />RIMMER and LISTER are sat with KRYTEN.<br /><br />KRYTEN: Sir, I just can't eat anymore raw coffee.<br />LISTER: Two more bowls.<br />KRYTEN: But I am sober, honest!<br />LISTER: OK, who are you and why're you here?<br />KRYTEN: I'm some kind of robot who's fighting this virus, and none of<br /> this exists, it's all in a fever, except for you guys, who really do<br /> exist, only you're not really here, you're really on some space ship in<br /> the future. Hell, if that's got to make sense I don't want to be<br /> sober!<br /><br />The CAT enters via some stairs.<br /><br />CAT: I got his guns back, and look at the handles. They've got little<br /> doves carved on them, and check this, there's no place for the bullets<br /> to go.<br />LISTER: This is it Kryten, the answer's in these guns somehow. Doves,<br /> dove program.<br /><br />The CAT wanders over to the window as KRYTEN looks at the guns.<br /><br />KRYTEN: Wait, somethings coming back now. (To Lister.) You sir.<br /> Whenever I look at you I get an image of curry and early morning breath<br /> that could cut through bank vaults. (To Rimmer.) You sir. There's<br /> something familiar about you too, I get a name, SmmmEE, SmmEEgGG<br /> HHHeeeDD.<br />RIMMER: Smeghead?<br />KRYTEN: That's it!<br />RIMMER: He remembers me.<br />LISTER: The guns Kryten, do the guns mean anything to you?<br />KRYTEN: Something, they mean something... if only I had more time.<br />CAT: PSSSTTT, company.<br /><br />31 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.<br /><br />The APOCALYPSE BOYS walk slowly through the swirling mists and stop at<br />the far end of the street. KRYTEN steps out of the Sheriff's Office<br />followed by LISTER, RIMMER and CAT. They fan out across the street.<br /><br />DEATH: Got yourself a little help there, Sheriff?<br />KRYTEN: Now I remember you. You're a computer virus, travelling from<br /> machine to machine, overwriting the core program.<br />DEATH: Have infection, will travel: that's me. Lets see if we can't tip<br /> the balance here a little...<br /><br />DEATH points his arm to the heavens and a lightning bolt emerges from it.<br /><br />32 Int. Starbug Ops Room.<br /><br />The screen of the AR console is shown. The special skills that the<br />characters have are being erased.<br /><br />33 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.<br /><br />CAT: What is he doing?<br />RIMMER: He's stalling. He's spotted us for what we are: a bunch of mean<br /> macho bad ass desperados. We're going to kick his boney butt clean<br /> across the town. Enjoy the show. (To the Apocolypse Boys:) Who's got<br /> the guts to go with me one on one, hand to hand, mano et mano?<br /><br />WAR steps forwards.<br /><br />LISTER: Cover him.<br /><br />Whilst drawing his guns CAT fumbles them.<br /><br />CAT: Damn, I've lost my special skills.<br /><br />RIMMER steps over to a hitching post and tries to lift off the cross bar,<br />and fails. WAR does the same and succeeds. RIMMER tries again and<br />still fails. LISTER also discovers that he has lost his special skills<br />by throwing his knife over his shoulder.<br /><br />LISTER: Rimmer, the virus has spread to the AR unit. We've lost our<br /> special skills.<br />RIMMER: Ahhh, Mr War sir, it would appear that due to circumstances<br /> completely beyond my control, there's been a bit of a cock up in the<br /> bravado department.<br /><br />RIMMER is hit over the head with the wooden cross bar by WAR.<br /><br />RIMMER: I may indeed have come across as being more brave than in fact I<br /> am.<br />LISTER: Exit, exit.<br /><br />RIMMER attempts to exit the game by clapping his hands, he cannot, he<br />turns his constant clapping into a castanet dance, before being hit over<br />the head again by WAR.<br /><br />LISTER: We're sealed in.<br />CAT: Get the helmets off.<br />RIMMER: It won't move.<br />LISTER: Cat the back.<br />CAT: I got one of my gloves off..........and a boot too.<br />RIMMER: Ohh brilliant, now you're paralysed compeletely down your left<br /> hand side.<br /><br />34 Int. Starbug mid-section.<br /><br />CAT is seen trying to wrench LISTER's helmet off.<br /><br />35 Ext. Laredo.<br /><br />LISTER: Ohhh, me nose!<br />CAT: I've almost got it.<br />LISTER: You're pulling my nose off!<br />CAT: Here it comes.<br />LISTER: The helmet's coming off.<br /><br />36 Int. Starbug Ops Room.<br /><br />LISTER's helmet comes free.<br /><br />37 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.<br /><br />LISTER disapears from the game. CAT also fades from the game, leaving<br />only RIMMER to face the Boys.<br /><br />DEATH: We're gonna cut you up so small the worms aren't even going to<br /> have to chew.<br />RIMMER: You can't frighten me, I'm always scared. LISTERRRRR!<br /><br />RIMMER fades from the game just as the boys bear down on him to stab him.<br /><br />38 Int. Starbug Ops Room.<br /><br />CAT: What now?<br />LISTER: It's down to Kryten.<br /><br />39 Ext. Streets OF Laredo. Day.<br /><br />KRYTEN is left alone on the street to face the GUNMEN.<br /><br />DEATH: Well Sheriff. Now it's just little old you.<br />KRYTEN: I'm not afraid Mr Death sir. I believe my friends have bought me<br /> enough time to complete the antidote program. Now, if you'll forgive<br /> the rather confrontational imperative, go for your guns you scum<br /> sucking mollascs.<br /><br />SLO-MO: The GUNMEN draw and fire. Four shots slam into KRYTEN's chest.<br />He staggers, then straightens, and draws both his guns. As the guns<br />leave his holsters they transform into white doves, which soar off into<br />the sky. The GUNMEN collapse and slowly fade away.<br /><br />40 Int. Starbug Ops Room.<br /><br />KRYTEN comes round in Starbug.<br /><br />KRYTEN: I did it! I created an antidote.<br /><br />The four rush into the cocpit.<br /><br />41 Int. Cockpit.<br /><br />LISTER: Two minutes till impact. Come on!<br />RIMMER: How long will it take?<br />KRYTEN: (feverishly typing in commnds.) Just a few seconds. How long to<br /> impact?<br />RIMMER: Just a few seconds.<br />KRYTEN: Loading it up... it's going into the navicomp.<br />RIMMER: 8 seconds, 7.<br />KRYTEN: Nearly there.<br />CAT: 5, 4, 3 ,2<br />LISTER: We're not going to make it!<br />CAT: IMPACT.<br /><br />42 Model Shot.<br /><br />Starbug crashes into a sea of lava and disappears. Silence. Only a few<br />bubbles of bursting gas break the surface.<br /><br />Suddenly, Starbug emerges from the molten lava, it's hull in flames.<br />Picking up speed, it climbs into the sky at a dizzying angle.<br /><br />43 Int. Starbug Cockpit.<br /><br />CAT: YEEEEEEHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />44 Model Shot.<br /><br />Starbug flies into the distance and fades from view.<br /><br /><br /> The End.<br /><br /> Credits:<br /> Rimmer Chris Barrie<br /> Lister Craig Charles<br /> Cat Danny John-Jules<br /> Kryten Robert Llewellyn<br /> Loretta Jennifer Calvert<br /> Simulant Captain/Death Dennis Lill<br /> Simulant Lieutenant Liz Hickling<br /> Lola Imogen Bain<br /> Jimmy Steve Devereaux<br /> War Robert Inch<br /> Pestilence Jeremy Peters<br /> Famine Dinny Powell<br /> Bear Strancler McGee Stephen Marcus<br /><br /> Director Andy De Emmony<br /><br /> Writers Rob Grant<br /> Doug Naylor<br /><br /><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-37363018277445160372012-11-01T09:50:00.006-07:002012-11-01T09:50:56.465-07:00Season 6 Episode 2 - Legion<span style="font-family: Courier New;"><pre> RED DWARF Series VI Episode 2, "Legion"
1 Int. Starbug Galley.
RIMMER enters the kitchen area, where KRYTEN is delicately slicing a
carrot.
RIMMER: Ten o'clock changeover. Anything to report?
KRYTEN: We're still lagging behind Red Dwarf, sir -- almost twenty-four
hours behind now. Other than that, it's been a moderately quiet shift,
except for one small shock a couple of hours ago when we noticed an
alien invasion fleet off the starboard bow. Thankfully it turned out
to be one of Mr Lister's old sneezes that had congealed on the radar
screen.
RIMMER: How are we fuel-wise?
KRYTEN: Unchanged for today, sir. However, the supply situation grows
increasingly bleak. We've recycled the water so often, it's beginning
to taste like Dutch lager.
RIMMER: We're okay for food, though, aren't we?
KRYTEN: Confidentially, sir, no. We've no meat, no pulse and hardly any
grain. Worse still, the only liquorice allsorts left are those
{whorly} little black twisty ones that everybody hates. If that
weren't bad enough, space weevils have eaten the last of the corn
supply.
[Transcriber's note: Whorly is best guess. It looks and sounds like
KRYTEN flubs this line.]
RIMMER: So what's under the grill?
KRYTEN: Space weevil.
KRYTEN pulls the pan out from under the grill. RIMMER looks away,
disgusted.
RIMMER: You can't serve space weevil, Kryten. I mean, not even Lister
with his single remaining tastebud will knowingly sit down and eat
insectoid vermin. Well let's face it - with him it's practically
cannabalism.
KRYTEN places the grilled roach on a plate, garnished with fresh
vegetables.
KRYTEN: But it's incredibly nutritious, sir. After all, it is corn fed.
RIMMER: You'll never get him to eat it.
KRYTEN: Trust me sir. They say the first bite is with the eye. It's all
down to presentation.
He sprinkles some grated herbs over the repast, then lifts it up in one
hand, waiter-style.
KRYTEN: Et voila!
2 Int. Cockpit.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit. LISTER is at the controls, looking bored.
There is a magazine lying on a nearby control surface.
CAT: Change-over! Anything new?
LISTER picks up his magazine and stands up.
LISTER: Oh, nothing much. Electrical storm, alien war fleet - false
alarm, the usual stuff.
CAT squeezes past Lister as he heads for the door.
CAT: Look at the state of this place! Why can't you ever clean up before
we swap over?
LISTER: (shrugs)
CAT sits down in the control chair which LISTER has just vacated.
CAT: What the hell is all this down the back of my chair? Peanuts?
LISTER: No, I've been trimming my verrucas.
CAT: You have personal habits that would make a monkey blush!
LISTER: You really think I'm psychotically disgusting, don't you?
They're peanuts, okay?.
CAT: REAL peanuts?
LISTER: Yeah.
CAT: (Popping one in his mouth.) Where'd you get them?
LISTER: That derilict a couple of months back. I found them in the dead
captain's old donkey jacket.
CAT stares at him.
LISTER: Don't look at me like that. You enjoyed that mint imperial,
didn't you?
CAT: And where did you get that?
LISTER: He was sucking that when he got shot. I had to prise his jaws
open with a car jack.
CAT: Uh-huh, you think I'll buy anything you say, don't you? Well,
wrong, buddy! Now get out of here - I gotta keep my eyes skinned for
that asteroid shaped like a dancing moose you told me about yesterday.
3 Int. Mid-Section.
LISTER enters the mid-section.
LISTER: Hi, honey, I'm home.
As LISTER sits down at the table, KRYTEN and RIMMER enter. KRYTEN places
before him a covered metal tray and a tape.
KRYTEN: Supper, sir, and tonight's movie. I'm sorry, sir, it is another
Doug McClure. Please don't hit me.
LISTER lifts the cover off the supper tray, and freezes. He peers
intently at the plate.
LISTER: What's this?
KRYTEN: Sir?
LISTER digs around on plate and holds up the offending foodstuff.
LISTER: Raw carrot? Kryten, you know how I feel about fresh vegetables -
they're for health psychoes, vitamin freaks. People... (He tosses the
carrot onto the table, away from his plate) ...who exercise.
KRYTEN: I'm sorry, sir.
LISTER opens his magazine and takes a bite of weevil. He pauses, a look
of annoyance and disgust crossing his face
KRYTEN: Is everything okay, sir?
LISTER: No, it's not. Some smegger's filled in this "Have You Got A Good
Memory" quiz.
KRYTEN: But that was you, sir. Last week. Don't you remember?
LISTER: Was it?
KRYTEN: Hm. Look: Nobody else spells "Thursday" with an "F"
LISTER: I can't help it. I went to art college.
Resumes eating.
RIMMER: (Leaning in close.) How's supper, Listy?
LISTER: It's delicious. I didn't know we had any crunchy king prawn
left!
CAT appears in the doorway to the cockpit. He looks worried.
CAT: I hate to go all technical on you, but... all hands on deck, swirly
thing alert!
4 Int. Cockpit.
Thet charge through to the cockpit. There are four control positions:
CAT takes the main joystick (forward right), LISTER the communications
and navigation (forward left). RIMMER takes short-range sensors (rear
left), and KRYTEN takes shipboard systems and long-range sensors (rear,
right).
[Transcribers note: I'm guessing at the functions of the various
positions, based on what happens in this scene. If anyone can come up
with better or more accurate ideas, I'll be glad to change the ones noted
above.]
LISTER: Where?
CAT: It's not on the radar yet - but I can smell it.
RIMMER: Nothing here.
KRYTEN: Nothing on long-range. Sir, is it possible you could have made a
mis-smelling?
CAT: Listen, butter-pat head, my nostril-hairs are vibrating faster than
the springs on a spaniard's honeymoon bed! I'm telling you, there's
something out there!
KRYTEN: Don't get your double-helix in a strict! No-one's questioning
your nasal integrity.
RIMMER: Go to blue alert.
LISTER: What for? There's no-one to alert - we're all here.
RIMMER: I would just feel more comfortable if I know that we're all on
our toes 'cos everyone's aware it's a blue-alert situation.
LISTER: We all are on our toes.
RIMMER: May I remind you all of Space Core Directive 34124?
KRYTEN: 34124. "No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in
zero gravity".
RIMMER: Damn you both, all the way to Hades! I want to go to Blue Alert!
LISTER: Ok, ok.
LISTER presses a button. The "Alert" box on the wall starts to flash
blue.
RIMMER: Thank you. A bit of professionalism.
KRYTEN: Wait! I've got something - I'm punching it up.
5 Model Shot.
We see a view of an orange, comet-like thing speeding through space
6 Int. Cockpit.
LISTER: Too small for a vessel... maybe some kind of missile.
KRYTEN: It's impossible to tell at this range. Whatever it is, they
clearly have a technology way in advance of our own!
LISTER: So do the Albanian State Washing Machine Company.
RIMMER: Step up to red alert!
KRYTEN: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
RIMMER: There's always some excuse, isn't there?
LISTER: Range15,000 Gigooks and closing.
KRYTEN: Direct collision course. Suggest evasive action!
CAT: Engaging re-heat.
7 Model Shot.
They dodge.
8 Int. Cockpit.
LISTER: It's still with us! It's some kind of heat-seeker - we can't
outrun it!
CAT: That's it! We're deader than tank-tops!
RIMMER: Suggestions?
KRYTEN: Sir? May I recommend I load myself into the reverse-thrust tubes
and you use my body as decoy-fodder? This will, of course leave me
splattered across deep space and unable to complete today's laundry,
for which I apologise in advance.
RIMMER: Kryten, stop your blathering and get in the damn tube.
LISTER: Kryten, sit down! I'm not doing me own smeggin' ironing.
RIMMER: Look, maybe we can reason with it. Open communication channels,
Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known
languages, including Welsh.
LISTER does so.
RIMMER: This is acting senior officer Arnold J Rimmer of the Jupiter
Mining Corporation transport vehicle Star Bug. Now hear this, 'cos
it's only coming once: We surrender, totally and without condition.
Thank you for listening. Oh, additional: sorry to take up your
valuable time. Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. Bye. Sorry. Thank
you. Thank you. Thank you.
LISTER: Rimmer, you've got a longer yellow streak than a stampede of
diuretic camels.
RIMMER: Know this about me: like General George S. Patton, I believe in
reincarnation. It is my firm conviction that in all my previous lives
I've been a soldier, a bold warrior soul, (he stands up) who tragically
in this incarnation has been given the body of an abject coward. So
excuse me, gentlemen, while I have a humiliating panic attack under the
scanner table.
He scampers aft.
CAT: Here it comes!
LISTER: Five Gigooks to impact - hang onto your wage packets.
9 Model Shot.
The missile hits them. Immediately, Starbug is enclosed in a sphere made
up of hundreds of points interconnected by glowing lines - much like a
computer generated model of a Buckminsterfullorene molecule.
10 Int. Cockpit.
Inside the cockpit, the lighting has turned red.
CAT: The controls are down!
RIMMER, satisfied that they are still alive, re-enters the cockpit.
RIMMER: What on Io was that?
KRYTEN: Some kind of suction beam. We're being dragged down.
LISTER: Fire up the retros.
CAT: Dead.
LISTER: Auxilliary power?
CAT: Dead.
LISTER: Joystick?
CAT: Dead. Aw, the entire panel's deader than A-line flares with pockets
in the knees!
KRYTEN: I've located the beam's source. I'm punching it up.
11 Model Shot.
We see a view of Starbug being pulled towards an intricate, graceful
space station. Waves of energy are pulsing out from a hanger bay about
halfway up the station's main axis. As they reach the net surrounding
Starbug, they exapnd, flowing around the net on all sides. The energy
waves are wafting Starbug towards the hangar.
12 Model Shot.
Starbug, surounded by the net, is landed in the hangar. It is of a
rather curious design: A rather pleasing white marble decor, with at
least one free-form sculpture prominently displayed on the black-and-
white checked floor. The net vanishes.
13 Int. Mid-Section.
RIMMER: So what have we got?
LISTER: Well, it seems we were snared by some kind of malfunctioning
guidance beam. (He sounds a little indignant.) Designed to help
docking supply ships. We've shut it down, and we're free to leave.
CAT: Anyone around?
LISTER: No life signs, nothing.
KRYTEN: The ident computer is stubborn as a mule. All I could get from
its pesky little ROM was something about classified military research.
Wouldn't give me any details. But listen to some of the physicists
involved - Heideger, Davro, Holder, Quayle - some of the most brilliant
minds of the 23rd century. Whatever they were cooking up here it must
have been something pretty special.
RIMMER: Hmm. Anything we can salvage?
LISTER: There must be something we can swipe.
RIMMER: Well gentlemen, our strategy is clear. Let's tool up and go
shopping!
14 Int. Station Corridor.
They enter the station. It looks like the inside of a shopping mall -
clean, almost antiseptic, stylish. KRYTEN is wielding the psi-scan: it
emits a soft, regular beeping. They aren't far in when CAT pauses,
sniffing.
LISTER: What? anything?
CAT: I'm not sure. Something.
A strange mist swirls around and past them. None of them appear to
notice it.
CAT: It's almost off my nasal spectrum.
The mist curls upwards onto a higher level, where it coaleasces into a
humanoid figure. It watches them approach. The beeping from the psi-
scan becomes more rapid, until it merges into a single note.
KRYTEN: Strange - a life reading.
RIMMER: Why didn't it register before?
The stranger descends in a lift. He is clad in a gold bodysuit, with a
silver chest-pack and facemask.
STRANGER: Welcome, my friends. It has been many centuries since I last
had visitors.
He turns to KRYTEN.
STRANGER: You, of course, are Kryten.
He shakes KRYTEN's hand, then turns to face RIMMER.
STRANGER: And you are Rimmer, the hologram. May I?
Be fore RIMMER can react, he reaches in and grabs RIMMER's light bee.
RIMMER immediately fades as the light-bee tries to continue projecting
him, but at a greater range. He vanishes altogether as the stranger
switches the light bee off, and examines it closely. He opens it...
STRANGER: Now then.
... and removes a few metres of wire, whilst muttering:
STRANGER: Yes, of course. Primitive. So basic.
He replaces it with a thimble sized unit, which rattles inside the
otherwise near-empty casing, and switches it back on. He lobs the light-
bee towards RIMMER's last location. RIMMER reappears there, as before,
but now his jacket is blue. He pauses for a moment to catch his breath.
RIMMER: You'd better have a mighty damn fine explanation for what you've
just done, miladdio.
STRANGER: Forgive me. I merely converted your projection unit from soft
light to hard light.
RIMMER: Hard light? (He pats himelf, unconvinced. LISTER prods him.)
I've got a body? I can touch? (He touches LISTER's shoulder,
tentatively.) feel?
KRYTEN: Puncture repair kit on standby, sir.
RIMMER: But how?
STRANGER: I created the hard-light drive many years ago. My mind is not
all that it once was. You, my friend, are Lister.
LISTER: How come you know who we all are?
STRANGER: You are in pain. Here.
He touches a spot on his stomach.
LISTER: No, just a bit of Bangalore Belly.
STRANGER: No. It is something more serious. May I?
LISTER: Okay.
LISTER opens his jacket and shirt. The stranger uses a scalpel-like
device to slice a neat, painless, bloodless slit in LISTER's stomach. He
reaches inside, and takes out...
STRANGER: Your appendix. As I thought, you were on the verge of
peritonitis.
He then hands the appendix to LISTER.
LISTER: Cheers, man.
STRANGER: And you are the Cat.
CAT: You come anywhere near me, buddy, you'll be wearing them bowels as a
bobble hat.
STRANGER: You're all tired and in need of nourishment. Come, let us
dine.
RIMMER: (Obsequiously.) What is your name?
STRANGER: Call me... Legion.
15 Int. Dining Room.
LEGION leads them into a dining room full of exquisite art objects. Soft
harpsichord music plays in the background.
LEGION: Please, make yourselves comfortable.
KRYTEN: Legion... these statues. You sculpted them yourself?
LEGION: Years ago. I was... a different person, then.
KRYTEN: Well, according to my connoiseur chip, they fulfill all ten
requirements for being masterpieces.
RIMMER: You're have a connoiseur chip?
KRYTEN: Just because I look like Herman Munster's stunt man doesn't mean
to say I can't appreciate art, sir!
LEGION: I shall return with the feast.
RIMMER: Can I eat? I mean, in this body, is it possible?
LEGION: Mr. Rimmer, in a hard-light body, you can do anything a human
can do, with the added bonus that you are practically indestructible.
RIMMER: I can't be hurt!?
LEGION: You're pleasure and pain responses remain the same, but you
cannot come to harm. Excuse me.
As LEGION leaves to prepare them their feast, RIMMER bows to him
smarmily. LISTER flops down in one of the chairs and puts his feet up on
the table. CAT, ill at ease, also sits.
KRYTEN: (Putting down the psi-scan.) His cellular structure is unique!
Genetic strands I've never seen before. Part living tissue, part
mechanical.
RIMMER: (Leaning forward against the back of a chair.) We've got to
persuade him to come with us. He'd get us back to Earth in weeks! And
what a team we'd make. Legion, with his scientific genius, intellect,
culture and sophistication, and us with... (He stops abruptly,
realising that his scheme has hit a slight snag.) With...
LISTER: With our red alert bulb. Let's flag down a black cab and head
for Real Street here. This Johnny won't come with us. He'd never fit
in. Can you see him joining in on our late-night sessions of "pin the
pointy stick on the weather girl"?
RIMMER: True... but once he's signed up and we're off in the Big Black
it'll be too late for him to change his mind. All we have to do is
create the facade that we're not the uncouth morons you are.
Just then the door opens, signaling LEGION's return.
LEGION: Here is the feast. It is a traditional 24th century Mamosian
banquet.
RIMMER goes into "obsequious prick" mode with a vengeance, as KRYTEN
starts serving the food.
RIMMER: How absolutely divine, Legion. (pronounced with a French
accent.) Although I must say, our souls are already gorged fit to burst
with the feast of art laid out on your walls.
LEGION: (Faintly amused) I wasn't aware you had an interest in art, Mr
Rimmer?
RIMMER: Many's a night we while away the wee hours contemplating a
Caravaggio, discussing its shape, themes and form.
CAT: The pointy-stick game doesn't get a look-in anymore.
RIMMER: Hmm. Marvelous. (Crosses over to a small, angular box near the
door.) Now this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite
exquisite. Its simplicity, it's bold, stark lines... pray, what do you
call it?
LEGION: The light switch.
RIMMER: The light switch. (In "Gazpacho Soup" tones)
LEGION: Yes.
RIMMER: I couldn't buy it, then?
LEGION: Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off.
RIMMER: (Trying to salvage some pride) It's a pity, 'cos if it wasn't a
l-light switch i-in many ways it could be considered a-a masterpiece.
They cross to the table.
LEGION: Kryten, please join us. Mamosian cuisine is quite acceptable for
mechanoids.
KRYTEN: Indeed. It has long been a dream of mine to sample its unique
flavours.
LEGION: Let the meal begin.
He disconnects the breathing-tube from the moth-hole on his mask. the
others, meanwhile, are investigating the cutlery. There are no knives or
forks: instead, each person has two strange devices, which look rather
like an egg-whisk that's been mated with a model of an ethanol molecule.
Seeing their confusion, Legion speaks up:
LEGION: I'm sorry. Of course. Not all of you can use Mamosian anti-
matter chopsticks.
He switches his chopsticks on for a few seconds. They rotate, giving off
an electrical hum.
KRYTEN: I'm fully versed, Legion. For my cooking duties, I'm programmed
to be proficient in all known off-world eating techniques, including
Jovian Boogle Hoops, and the often-lethal Mercurian Boomerang Spoon.
LEGION: But the others.
The aforementioned others are holding their anti-matter chopsticks. they
grin weakly.
LISTER: Antimatter chopsticks? We use them all the time.
CAT: Can't even remember what a fork looks like.
RIMMER: Don't let a few congealed custard stains down Lister's long-johns
delude you into thinking we're not sophisticates.
They switch on their chopsticks. A blob of food rises from it's plate
and, under the guidance of Legion's chopsticks, crosses the table to his
mouth, while the uncouth morons watch in barely-concealed amazement.
KRYTEN: The trick is, of course, to never, ever, under any circumstances,
to allow live sticks to touch - but of course we all know that.
KRYTEN uses his own chopsticks to pick up what looks like a birds-nest.
He is clearly not as expert as Legion: the food wobbles in mid-air,
forcing him to chase it around with his mouth.
RIMMER: Well, bon appetite. Tuck in, Listy.
LISTER: No, no, after you, man.
RIMMER: Wouldn't hear of it.
LISTER tries to use the chopsticks on the dish in front of him. He's
doing pretty well - bar the small detail that he has got food from a
plate other than the one he was aiming for - until, that is, he tries to
take a bite. He loses control of the sticks, and the food shoots off to
the right... and lands on RIMMER's face.
KRYTEN: (Softly.) Sir, you're creating a reverse field. Try and keep the
electron flow in the same direction.
CAT, meanwhile, is having a different problem. His food is two feet
above his head, and his chopsticks are pointed straight at it.
CAT: How do you land the damn stuff?
KRYTEN: (Quietly) Simply invert the ionic phase in the downpulse of the
field margin.
CAT: I was with you all the way up to "simply".
KRYTEN: Like so.
He intervenes with his own chopsticks. Between them, he and CAT manage
to land the food... on RIMMER's shoulder. As RIMMER glares at them,
KRYTEN notices LISTER tugging futilely at his wineglass.
KRYTEN: (Urgent whisper) Sir, the glass is fixed to the table. It's
Mamosian telekinetic wine.
LISTER: So how do you drink it?
KRYTEN: You simply will the liquid into your mouth, and then you
telepathically decide on its flavour. Thusly:
He turns his attention to the glass before him. The liquid within jets
straight into his mouth in a thin stream. KRYTEN sucks for a few
seconds, then sits back with a sigh.
KRYTEN: Ah. Delicious.
LISTER gives it a go. He squints hard at the glass, and sucks. The
liquid jets from the glass in a thick stream, and hits him in the face.
LISTER: Kryten! Help me!
KRYTEN concentrates, and the jet stops, leaving LISTER gasping for air.
He notices LEGION watching him and gives a sickly grin. Meanwhile, CAT
and RIMMER are having a slight disagreement...
RIMMER: (Through a mouthful of food) Cat, that's mine!
CAT is struggling to control his chopsticks, which are pointed straight
at the food in RIMMER's mouth. The food is being pulled towards them,
causing RIMMER's cheek to bulge.
CAT: I can't help it, bud! Somehow we've crossed wavelengths!
RIMMER: It feels like you're pulling my teeth out!
CAT: Try swallowing it!
RIMMER: I have - three times!
Abruptly, the food leaves RIMMER's mouth. It shoots past CAT's
chopsticks, and glossops against one of LEGION's paintings.
LEGION: My friends, I sense you are trying to impress me. There really
is no need.
RIMMER: Legion: may I be frank? It's not often we meet an individual
who we feel could improve our already pretty damn fine top-notch team.
But in you, we feel we have. In all our travels, we have met precisely
thirty-one individuals: three one. And we have never felt moved to
invite a single one to join our crew. True, most of them wanted in
some way to suck out our brains, or erase us from history altogether.
Nevertheless, they still weren't what we would consider The Right
Stuff. We feel that you are different. We feel that you, like us,
have the courage and the dignity it takes to make it as a Dwarfer.
Satisfied with his speech, RIMMER sits back and starts to cross his...
KRYTEN: Sir! Don't cross the chopsticks!
All the food on the table starts to tremble. All at once, it lifts into
the air and hurls itself at RIMMER. When the barrage finally stops,
RIMMER is completely covered in food.
LEGION: Mr Rimmer, I am moved by the eloquence of your invitation, but it
is quite impossible for me to leave the confines of the institute.
RIMMER: It was Lister, wasn't it? He put you off.
KRYTEN: Is there nothing we can do to change your mind?
LEGION: Absolutely.
KRYTEN: Then I'm afraid we must bid you farewell. We have a long journey
ahead of us.
LEGION: Nonsense. You have no journey at all, my friends. I insist you
stay here with me. You will be my honoured guests - from now until the
day you die.
RIMMER wipes the food from his face, and sighs.
RIMMER: Thirty-two.
16 Int. Bedroom.
LEGION leads LISTER into a bedroom. Posters cover the walls, and loud
(Rastabilly?) music plays on the juke-box. On the bed is a steel guitar,
and in one corner of the room is a fridge.
LEGION: This will be your cell, Dave.
LISTER: My cell. You really are a nutter, aren't you?
LISTER crosses over to the table. On the table-top is a wine bottle in a
bucket of ice and a covered tray. LISTER investigates the bubbly, then
lifts up the cover of the tray.
LISTER: Sugar Puff Sandwiches? Me favourite!
LEGION: I think you will find nothing here that isn't to your liking.
The entire room is stocked for your own unique personal tastes and
requirements.
LISTER examines the interior of the fridge.
LISTER: Two dozen eight-packs and a spare pair of sneakers in the ice-
box. Faultless! Not an inch wasted.
He closes the fridge and flops down on the bed.
LEGION: All your favourite music, all your favourite movies. Absolutely
no Doug McClure. You will want for nothing.
LISTER: Nothing? What about company? What about people?
LEGION: There is a cyberpark in the complex. You may go to any time-
period of your choosing, and indulge any fantasy you wish, with any
persons you desire.
LISTER: And that's in some way supposed to make me happy? (pause) S-
sorry, run that by me one more time?
LEGION: You will meet your companions in the morning. (He sags
slightly.) Now, you must excuse me they are falling asleep.
(Straightening up.) I must go.
LEGION leaves quickly. LISTER picks up the guitar and strums it
experimentally. The noise is awful.
LISTER: Amazing. Doesn't even need tuning!
17 Int. Dining Room.
Next morning, they all gather for breakfast in the dining room. RIMMER
is the last to arrive.
KRYTEN: Good morning, sir.
RIMMER: What does he want from us? Why is he so obsessed with fulfilling
our every desire?
KRYTEN: We're all equally baffled, sir. Was your room like everyone
else's - perfect in every detail?
RIMMER: Impeccable. Right down to the overstarched pyjamas and nocturnal
boxing gloves. What about you?
KRYTEN: Filthy walls, mud-streaked floors, mop and bucket... I was in
Hog's Heaven, sir!
LISTER: When I finally get round to writing my Good Psycho Guide, this
place is gonna get raves. Accomodation - excellent. Food - first
class. Resident nutter - courteous and considerate. Psycho rating's
gotta be four and a half chainsaws. Higher, maybe.
KRYTEN: Sirs, we must not be seduced by all this fine living. However
munificent our captor, we are still prisoners. And with every second
that passes, we lose yet more ground on Red Dwarf.
LISTER: You're right, Kryten. Cat, caviar niblet.
CAT passes him the requested foodstuffs. LISTER stands, places one foot
on a chair, and addresses his troops.
LISTER: Bucks fizz.
CAT passes him the jug, and LISTER pours himself a drink.
LISTER: Let's talk about how to get out of this hellhole.
CAT: What do we know about this Johnny? And why is he so keen on keeping
us happy?
KRYTEN: Is it possible that our well-being is in some way linked to his
own?
LISTER: (Refilling his glass) What? You mean like he's feeding off our
emotions?
KRYTEN: Remember when we arrived, the scans recorded no life signs. Is
it possible that our very presence here has in some way inadvertently
awoken him?
LISTER looks up from his examination of a large, white, vaguely woman-
shaped sculpture. He grins.
LISTER: Wait a minute... I think I've got a way of getting out of here.
Has anyone ever seen "Revenge Of The Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire
Girls"?
KRYTEN: I think that one slipped us by, sir.
LISTER: Well, there's this one scene where the good-looking
unconventional female journalist who wore glasses and a tight sweater
was trapped, deep in the bosom of the surfboarding killer bikini
vampire girls' lair, and she came up with this truly award-winning
escape plan...
18 Int. The Dining Room.
LEGION enters the dining room. KRYTEN, CAT and RIMMER are sitting at the
table, smiling in a fakey sort of way. In the chair facing away from the
door is a sculpture, dressed in LISTER's hat and jacket. LISTER is
standing behind the door, holding a heavy-looking objet d'art - the
sculpture he was examining whilst forming his plan - over his head.
RIMMER: Ah. Legion. We have considered our position, and have decided
our best option is to make a new life here with you.
LEGION: You truly believed I would be deceived by that schlock plan from
"Revenge Of The Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls"?!
With a single backhand blow he knocks the statue from the seat. LISTER
tosses the sculpture onto LEGION. The impact knocks off the facemask.
LEGION's face is a nightmare. A silver "H" on his forehead, moulded
plastic curves, fangs and a mismatched eyes: one mechanoid, one human.
LEGION: I just want you to be happy!
LEGION sends LISTER flying. As LISTER slides the length of the table,
the others stand and lift their food and drink. LISTER tumbles off the
far end of the table and bangs his head off the wall. LEGION snarls and
turns to face his guests. As he does so, his face alters, shifting and
rearranging. It is now made up of the parts of three faces, not four.
LEGION: Now look what you made me do.
LISTER then regains consciousness with a groan. LEGION's face shifts
again, to what it had been before.
CAT: What the hell are you, buddy?
LEGION: (Replacing his mask.) Kryten knows.
KRYTEN: I do?
LEGION: You suspect the truth.
KRYTEN: You mean that you are a gestalt entity, not a single creature but
a combination of individuals melded together to form one?
LEGION: "My name is Legion, for we are many"
LISTER sits up.
LISTER: What - you're us? All four of us? Our combined minds and
personalities, blended together?
LEGION: Oh, but much more than that, exponentially more. The whole
becomes far greater than the sum of its parts.
RIMMER: So we can't leave because you're us? You're created from us? If
we leave, you cease to be.
LEGION: Without you, my friends, I am quite literally nothing.
CAT: So if he's us, he can't hurt us, right?
CAT attempts to shimmy past LEGION, who proves him wrong by knocking him
the length of the table. CAT winds up in the lap of LISTER, who is still
sitting where LEGION knocked him.
CAT: Wrong.
KRYTEN: But this is insane. Hurting us is hurting yourself. Our pain is
your pain.
LEGION: Kryten, you forget. Not only do I possess your combined
intellects and memories, I also share the sum of your malice and rage
and anger, magnified many times. I'm capable of quite insanely
irrational behaviour. Watch.
LEGION places his left hand flat on the table. He then takes the scalpel
in his right hand, and stabs himself in the back of his hand. The others
all react to the terrible pain that they, too, are now feeling.
LEGION: The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up... here
(holding the scalpel to his scrotum)
KRYTEN: Legion, that kind of tough talk doesn't scare us.
OTHERS: Yes it does!
LISTER: But what about the sculptures and the masterpieces and the
technology? Where does that come from?
LEGION: My first incarnation. I was host to the five most brilliant
minds of their generation. They were experimenting in collective
intelligence. I was the product of that research.
KRYTEN: Heideger, Quayle and the others - the composite of their genius?
Your mind must have been extraordinary!
LEGION: But all too soon old age began to kill them, and as each one
died, I became less, until I was nothing, just a mindless essence
swirling around the remnants of my acheivements, waiting to exist
again.
CAT: There's just one thing that still baffles me.
RIMMER: What's that?
CAT: Everything.
KRYTEN: (To LISTER) Sir, permission to test a supposition..
LISTER: Granted.
KRYTEN: trust me, sir.
KRYTEN picks up a chair, and uses it to clobber LISTER over the head. As
LISTER hits the floor, out cold, LEGION removes his mask. The elements
of LEGION's face which came from LISTER vanish. Curiously, LEGION makes
no move to intervene. KRYTEN approaches CAT.
CAT: What's going down here?
KRYTEN: The gestalt requires our consciousness in order to exist.
Therefore, as each of us becomes unconscious, his power diminishes.
Permission to lay you out, sir?
CAT: Do what you gotta, but don't mess up my hair.
KRYTEN: Thank you.
KRYTEN lays CAT out, then approaches RIMMER. The yellow goit backs away.
KRYTEN walks towards him. As he does so, he picks up a large blue vase
and hides it behind his back.
RIMMER: Kryten, there has to be a more effective escape plan than this.
KRYTEN: Sir, come back. You're just delaying the inevitable.
RIMMER: I can't help it: I'm allergic to being hit.
KRYTEN: (Shifting his grip on the vase.) You won't feel a thing. I'll
render you unconcious using the Ionian Nerve Grip.
RIMMER tenses up, closes his eyes and grits his teeth. KRYTEN pinches
him on the shoulder... then smashes him over the head with the vase.
RIMMER: That's not an Ionian Nerve Grip! That's smashing me over the
head with a vase!
KRYTEN: There's no such thing as an Ionian Nerve Grip. Now stand still
while I hit you!
He picks up a platter, and uses it to what RIMMER over the head. RIMMER
staggers, but doesn't go down.
KRYTEN: Your hard-light drive's tougher than vindalooed mutton!
KRYTEN looks for a possible weapon. He spots one, and points to it.
KRYTEN: This'll do the trick.
He rips the heavy-looking pipe free from the wall.
RIMMER: You can't be serious!
Thump!
RIMMER: Harder!
THUMP!
RIMMER: HARDER!
THUMP!!!!
RIMMER: HARDER!!!
THUMP!!! THUMP!!! THUMP!!!!
RIMMER: Stop! Stop! STOP!
He staggers slightly and shakes his head.
RIMMER: Oh, for God's sake! If you want a job doing properly, do it
yourself!
He walks over to a nearby wall and starts thumping his head against it
while KRYTEN strikes him from behind with the pipe.
Bash! Thump! Bash! Thump! Bash! Thump!
RIMMER: STOP!
KRYTEN continues hitting him.
RIMMER: STOP, Kryten! Clearly this is not working. I'm a hard-light
hologram, and as such un-knockoutable.
KRYTEN: Hmm. I think you're right, sir.
THUMP!
RIMMER: Kryten!
KRYTEN: I'm sorry, sir. I just thought that if I took you unawares...
THUMP!
RIMMER: Kryten!! I'm trying to think, you rubber-headed eunuch! (Thinks)
Right, got it. Turn off my light-bee.
KRYTEN: I can't, sir. I can't penetrate hard light. You'll have to
extract it yourself.
RIMMER presses one hand to his stomach. His face twists with the
effort... and he vanishes. KRYTEN turns to face LEGION, as the elements
of RIMMER's features vanish from LEGION, and he comes to resemble only
KRYTEN.
KRYTEN: Now we are even.
LEGION: I am merely you. Stalemate.
KRYTEN: Not so. Since the only ingredients in your psyche are mine, you
are now incapable of malice. And because a human life takes precedent
over the life of any mechanical, you are in fact compelled to assist
our safe passage to Starbug.
LEGION: As long as the others remain unconscious, your logic is
impeccable.
LISTER stirs and starts to wake up. Still watching LEGION, KRYTEN lifts
his head and bounces it off the floor.
KRYTEN: You take the Cat, I'll take Mr. Lister.
LEGION: In many ways I am relieved. To have shared their psyches, their
neuroses, their strange drives: returning to a limbo state of non-
existence seems like promotion.
KRYTEN: One last thing: in your original incarnation, when you were
composed of all those great minds, did you ever develop anything which
might assist our pursuit of Red Dwarf?
19 Model Shot.
Starbug departing Legion's Space Station.
20 Int. Starbug Engine Room.
Later, in Starbug, they all gather around LEGION's invention, which is
bolted to the floor of the Engine Room. It is a strange contraption,
rather like a three foot high silver spinning top in a metal framework.
KRYTEN: Here we go: initiating ignition sequence.
LISTER: Is this gonna work?
KRYTEN: Well, I see no reason why not, sir. All tests bear out, it is
indeed a fully functional stardrive. If we've linked it correctly to
the Bug's existing engines, we'll be able to catch up with Red Dwarf in
a matter of nanoseconds!
LISTER: Yeah, but it's bound to go wrong, isn't it?
KRYTEN: Sir?
RIMMER: It always does for us, every time.
CAT: He's right! There isn't a dog in hell's chance this stardrive is
actually gonna work.
KRYTEN: Sirs, haven't we learned over the past two days that if we all
pull together we can become greater than the sum of our parts. That if
we are of one mind and one intent, there are no boundaries to what we
can acheive. This stardrive is going to work: do we believe?
OTHERS: (Zero percent enthusiasm) We believe.
KRYTEN: Do. We. Believe?
OTHERS: (With just a little annoyance.) We believe.
They switch it on. The stardrive starts to glow and spin. As its rate
of spin increases, it starts to rise. Higher... higher... the cables
connecting it to the engines part one by one in pyrotechnic showers of
sparks as the stardrive takes off and flies around the engine room,
finally crashing out through the hull. As they are being sucked towards
the gaping hole:
KRYTEN: Well, we know one thing, sir!
RIMMER: What's that?
KRYTEN: It does work!
The End
</pre>
</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-30339783729909095452012-11-01T09:50:00.002-07:002012-11-01T09:50:16.555-07:00Season 6 Episode 1 - Psirens<pre> RED DWARF Series VI Episode 1, "Psirens"
1 Model Shot.
Starfield. We pan to reveal enormous sun. After a pause, Starbug
beetles across the disk of the sun.
2 Int. Obs. deck.
Dark. Various consoles click into life as we pan around the room, and
come to rest on two deep sleep units. Suddenly, one of them flares with
blue light from the inside, and its hood hisses back, revealing a slowly-
waking, bearded LISTER, wearing soiled long johns. He sits up. His
mouth tastes vile. He notices his fingernails and toenails are six
inches long. LISTER pads across the room, and starts to cut his nails in
a desk-mounted pencil sharpener. He catches his reflection in a blank TV
screen.
LISTER: (To his reflection) Who the hell are you?
3 Int. (OB) Starbug engine room.
KRYTEN empties some waste into a large hatch marked 'Waste Compactor' and
presses the start button. Crushing sounds. He opens the hatch and takes
out the garbage, now in a perfect cube.
4 Int. Mid-section.
More hi-tech than before. Light panels line the back wall. Switches,
radar screens, etc. There is a large flatbed scanner screen, which
doubles as a table, surrounded by four chairs. KRYTEN climbs up the
spiral staircase with the waste cube. LISTER is standing there, looking
a bit nonplussed.
KRYTEN: Welcome back on-line, sir. How are you feeling?
LISTER: I can't remember anything. I don't know who I am. What is this
place? Who are you?
As he speaks, KRYTEN places the cube in a waste disposal chute and
launches it into space.
KRYTEN: Ah, you have a touch of amnesia. That's quite common after such
a long period in Deep Sleep. You've been out for just over two hundred
years.
LISTER: Two hundred years?
KRYTEN: Actually, I woke you last spring, but you absolutely insisted on
another three months.
LISTER: What did you say my name was?
KRYTEN: Lister, sir.
LISTER: And you are -?
LISTER follows KRYTEN into...
5 Int. Galley.
KRYTEN: Kryten. I was just preparing your breakfast tray.
LISTER examines the tray.
LISTER: These cornflakes have got grated raw onions sprinkled over them.
KRYTEN: That's how you like them, sir.
LISTER: Do I? (Sips from glass. Winces.) This orange juice is
revolting.
KRYTEN: That's not orange juice, sir. That's your early-morning pick-me-
up. Chilled vindaloo sauce.
LISTER: I drink curry sauce for breakfast?
KRYTEN: Depends on your mood. If you get up in the afternoon, you often
prefer to start the day with a can of last night's flat lager. That's
why you sleep with a tea strainer by your bed: to sieve out the cigar
dimps.
LISTER: I drink, I smoke, I have curry sauce for breakfast? Raw onions
on my cereal? I sound like some barely human grossed-out slime ball.
KRYTEN: Oh excellent, sir. It's all flooding back then?
LISTER: No. None of it is.
KRYTEN sets a box in front of LISTER.
KRYTEN: Perhaps these will help. Your personal artifacts. You asked me
to keep them safe.
LISTER takes out a photo.
KRYTEN: Kristine Kochanski. You dated her for three weeks once. Before
she discarded you for a catering officer.
LISTER: She's beautiful.
KRYTEN: It's your ambition, sir, somehow to get her back and lie on top
of her and move up and down rapidly in that curious way that humans
find so agreeable. Personally, I prefer partnership whist.
LISTER takes out a book.
LISTER: Ah! Wait a minute. This feels more like it. Aristotle's
Metaphysica. At last -- something wholesome and commendable about me.
KRYTEN: Hardly, sir. You use that book to hide your secret Polaroid
collection of naked ex-girlfriends.
LISTER: (Looking through them) God, I went out with a lot of nurses,
didn't I?
KRYTEN: I don't believe those are authentic uniforms, sir. Note the
astonishing brevity of those hemlines. I believe all those girls are
imposters, pretending to belong to the medical profession for some
nefarious purpose as yet unknown.
KRYTEN hands LISTER his guitar.
LISTER: Is this mine? Do I play the guitar?
KRYTEN: Do you play the guitar? Do I have a head shaped like an amusing
ice cube? Why don't you chock out a few power chords? See if anything
comes back to you.
LISTER plucks tunelessly at the strings.
KRYTEN: The Axeman's back!
LISTER: Don't patronize me. I can't play the guitar. Anyone with half
an ear can tell that.
KRYTEN: Please, sir -- you are not yourself at present. When you're
fully functional, and your personality's restored, you will firmly
believe that you can play the guitar like the ghost of Hendrix.
LISTER: Is there something good you can tell me about myself? Something
laudable?
KRYTEN: Laudable... Well, you frequently help me with my laundry duties
by wearing your underpants inside out and extending their wear time by
three weeks.
LISTER: I'm an animal! I'm a tasteless, uncouth, tone-deaf, mindless,
revolting, randy, blokeish, semi-literate space bum.
KRYTEN: (Gives him a bear hug.) Welcome back, Davey!
KRYTEN open the fridge, gets out RIMMER's frozen light bee and pops it
into a pan of boiling water.
LISTER: What's that?
KRYTEN: Mr Rimmer, sir. He's a hologram, sir. This is his light bee.
LISTER: Rimmer... He's my best mate, isn't he?
KRYTEN: You _are_ sick, sir. I'm getting woried. Maybe a little
synaptic enhancer will do the trick.
KRYTEN takes out syringe gun and fires it into LISTER's neck. KRYTEN
takes the light bee out of the water and places it in an egg cup. And
LISTER follows KRYTEN into
6 Int. Mid-dection.
KRYTEN places the light bee on the scanner and sits in front of the
computer screen on the rearwall.
KRYTEN: Initiating boot-up sequence.
KRYTEN taps some panels on the keyboard, and the light bee flares into
life and hovers out of the egg cup.
KRYTEN: Download physical form.
RIMMER's image crackles into existence around the light bee, in black and
white, with ripples of white noise interference.
KRYTEN: Access personality banks.
On the screen, a bar chart appears.
KRYTEN: Download characteristics. Load arrogance.
The first bar (a tall one) shrinks towards the bottom of the screen, like
liquid being poured from a vial, to the accompaniment of appropriate
computer sound effects.
KRYTEN: Load charisma.
The second bar (a very, very short one) disppears off the screen with a
single blip!
KRYTEN: Load neuroses.
The next, the longest bar, drains off the screen. Followed by the next,
and the next, and the next... RIMMER becomes fully formed and colourful.
KRYTEN: Download memory.
As RIMMER recieves his memory, his face contorts into various
combinations of horror, shock, anguish, and occasional brief spasms of
joy. He gets his bearings.
LISTER: Oh. _That_ Rimmer.
7 Int. Mid-section.
They are all sitting around the scanner scope. The CAT is cracking the
head of a boiled mouse in an egg cup. RIMMER is looking at him aghast.
LISTER is tucking into his cornflakes.
LISTER: Good cornflakes. Nice and oniony. Pass me the Tabasco sauce --
just needs a bit more pep in it.
KRYTEN: Congratulations, sir. You seem to be on your way to full recall.
Next thing you know, you'll be convinced you can play the guitar.
LISTER: (Astonished) I can play the guitar! I'm a diva, man. I can make
that lump of wood sing like a Yukon bear trapper on his annual visit to
the brothel.
CAT: That's as may be, bud. But the deal stays the same.
LISTER: I know, I know. If I want to strum my guitar, I have to put on a
suit and do it in outer space. Peasants.
LISTER liberally douses the cornflakes with Tabasco, then swigs from the
bottle.
KRYTEN: Suggest we begin the debriefing. Mr Rimmer?
RIMMER: Thank you Kryten. Gentlemen, as we're all aware, we have lost
Red Dwarf. This is not the time for small-minded, petty recrimination.
The time for that is when LISTER is court-martialled after we get back
to Earth.
LISTER: I didn't lose it.
RIMMER: You're the one who parked it, Lister. You're the one who
couldn't remember which planetoid you'd left it around.
LISTER: Yeah, but they all look the same, those little blue-green
planetoids. They're all sort of little, blue-green and planetoidy.
KRYTEN: Sirs, please, there's no advantage in finger-pointing. We didn't
lose Red Dwarf. Red Dwarf was stolen. By persons... or life forms
unknown.
CAT: Who would steal a gigantic red trash can with no brakes and three
million years on the clock?
KRYTEN: Rogue droids... Genetically engineered life forms... Figments of
Mr Lister's imagination made solid by some weird space ray. Who knows?
The important thing is, after two hundred years of following their
vapour trail, we have them.
LISTER: What d'you mean?
KRYTEN clears some breakfast things off the scanner screen.
KRYTEN: They've been forced to make a massive detour to circumnavigate
this asteroid belt. However, Starbug is small enough to negotiate its
way directly through the middle. For the first time in two centuries,
we have the oppurtunity to head them off at the pass, as it were, and
recover Holly.
CAT: Well, what are we waiting for?
RIMMER: Without deflectors? What about Space Corps Directive one-seven-
four-two?
KRYTEN: One-seven-four-two? 'No member of the Corps should ever report
for active duty in a ginger toupee'? Thanks for reminding us of that
regulation, sir. But is it really that pertinent in this particular
situation?
RIMMER: One-seven-four-_three_, then.
KRYTEN: Oh, I _see_. 'No registered vessel should attempt to transverse
an asteroid belt without deflectors.'
RIMMER: Yes? God, he's pedantic.
LISTER: Rimmer, check out the supply situation. (Indicates computer
printout.) Your hologram's on battery back-up. We've only got oxygen
for three months: water, if we drink re-cyc, seven weeks. And worst
of all, we're down to our last two thousand poppadoms. We're in
trouble, big time.
RIMMER: You know how unstable these belts are. Rogue asteroids... meteor
storms. One direct hit on that plexiglass viescreen, and our innards
will be turned inside out quicker than a pair of Lister's old
underpants.
LISTER: We're out of options, man. We're taking her in.
KRYTEN: Recommend the Cat pilots. His superior reflexes and nasal
intuition will give us our best chance.
CAT, LISTER and KRYTEN stand to leave.
RIMMER: For pity's sake, one breech in that hull, and we're people pate
CAT: There's on ald Cat proverb: 'It's better to live one hour as a
tiger, than a whole lifetime as a worm.'
RIMMER: There's an old human saying: 'Whoever heard of a wormskin rug?'
8 Model Shot.
Starbug's rear jets flare and it arcs into the asteroid belt.
9 Model Shot.
We see the back of Starbug as it tacks through a narrow gap between two
huge asteroids.
10 Int. Cockpit.
All at their stations. Tense. Suddenly, orange light flares from their
right. CAT wrenches the controls to the left.
11 Model Shot.
A huge lick of flame leaps out at Starbug from a gas geyser on one of the
asteroids.
12 Int. Cockpit.
Starbug nicks the opposite asteroid as it swerves to avoid the flame, and
they all stagger with the impact.
LISTER: Nice stick work, man.
CAT wrinkles his nose.
CAT: Something's coming.
KRYTEN: Nothing on the navicomp.
CAT: I can smell it. (Peers through screen.) Something big.
LISTER: I'm getting nothing, either.
CAT: These nostrils never lie.
RIMMER: He's right. Co-ordinates 1746 by 9472. Take a peek, gentlemen.
There's a meteor bigger than King Kong's first dump of the day, and
it's screaming straight towards us.
KRYTEN: It's far too vast to go around.
RIMMER: Reverse thrust.
CAT: There's no time. Face it -- we're deader than corduroy.
LISTER: Kryten, you know what to do.
KRYTEN; On my way, sir.
RIMMER: Lister. Given that we've got as much chance of getting out of
this in one piece as a Jammy Dodger that's been dunked in hot coffee
and wiggled about for three minutes, perhaps you'd do me the courtesy
of explaining what he's doing?
LISTER: He souped up the waste disposal. Filled the eject system with
rocket fuel, and turned it into a sort of high-impact garbage cannon.
RIMMER: A garbage cannon? You're going to try and shoot that out of the
sky with tin cans and a banana peel?
LISTER: There's a thermos of nitro-glycerine in there, too.
KRYTEN picks up a cube of garbage, opens a hatch in the wall marked
'Waste disposal unit 5' and places the cube in the chute inside.
KRYTEN: Waste disposal unit armed, and ready to fire.
RIMMER: Kryten -- will this work?
KRYTEN: Lie Mode. (pause) Of course it will work, sir. No worries.
(Winks to LISTER) Hook, line, sinker, rod and copy of _Angling Times_.
CAT: Here it comes!
LISTER: Bearing zero-seven-niner-two. Fire!
KRYTEN pulls the waste disposal lever.
13 Model Shot.
The waste cube blasts out of an orifice above Starbug's front lights,
heads straight for the giant meteor, hits it in the middle and blasts it
to pieces.
14 Int. Cockpit.
ALL whoop and cheer, apart from RIMMER who shakes his head in disbelief.
KRYTEN: Relocating Red Dwarf's vapour trail. Present speed and course,
estimated time of interception, twelve hours, seven minutes.
CAT: (Sniffs.) Check your screens. I'm getting something new, and it
does not smell good.
RIMMER: Enhance four. Nothing. Enhance eight... Sixteen. (Shakes
head.) Thirty-two... Still nix. Enhance sixty-four. Got it. Some
kind of ship.
LISTER: Wait a minute. There's another one. And another.
KRYTEN: I'm getting them too. Ten of them... twelve.
RIMMER: All derelict.
LISTER: It looks like this is some kind of spaceship graveyard.
15 Model Shot.
A tiny Starbug flies between a group of asteroids, all with wrecked space
craft embedded in them.
16 Int. Cockpit.
LISTER: Anyone else got the feeling that we've been led here like lambs
to the kebab shop?
RIMMER: We are not moving another inch until we've found out what brought
these ships down.
KRYTEN: Recommend we stop engines and launch scouter.
CAT flicks some switches.
CAT: Engines stopped. Launching scouter.
Sound effects: scouter launched. Cut to:
17 OB. Int. Crashed ship.
We are inside. A laser beam burns a circle in the hull, which falls
inwards, and scouter's search beam pierces the smoke as it hovers through
the hole into the ship.
18 Int. Mid-section.
LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN and CAT hunched over the scanner screen.
KRYTEN: We're in.
19 OB. Int. Crashed ship.
Scouter's POV as it hovers its way through the derelict craft. Dark and
scary.
20 Int. Mid-section.
LISTER: Scouter, stop. Go back. Stop. Angle, forty-five degrees to
your left. Magnify.
CAT: What's that?
RIMMER: Human remains. Wait. Angle: five degrees right. Ten degrees
up. Stop. There: some kind of writing on the floor. P-S-I-R-E-N-S.
Psirens?
KRYTEN: The poor devil scrawled it in his death throes, using a
combination of his own blood and even some lengths of his own
intestines.
RIMMER: Who would do that?
LISTER: Someone who badly needed a pen.
CAT: What I don't understand is why he went to the trouble of using his
kidney as a full stop.
RIMMER: I don't think he meant that. It probably just plopped out.
KRYTEN: Whoever he was, clearly he was desperate to warn any poor
wretches who wandered into the same deadly trap.
They exchange worried looks.
LISTER: Scouter's located the black box. Replay final entry.
On the screen, white noise, which settles to become...
21 OB. Int. Crashed ship.
All on one shot, overhead, wide angle. Mad ASTRO, wide-eyed with fear,
talks directly to the camera eating a burger ravenously.
ASTRO: They're closing in. They're all over the ship. They've got Hank,
and Ludo. Tina, Jerry, Tim, Gordy, Sam. They even got Jeff. At least
I think so: I found a huge pile of his intestines on his bunk. Maybe
the rest of him escaped, I don't know. What am I saying? I'm half-
crazed with fear. I know I'm next. It's just a matter of time
before...
From the doorway behind him, a hideous INSECTOID biped with mandibles
advances towards him.
INSECTOID: (Speaks disgusting, incomprehensible insect language.)
ASTRO: Oh God, you're so beautiful, I can't resist you. But I have to be
strong. I know what you want.
INSECTOID: (Insect talk.)
ASTRO: No, you don't. You want to love me. You want to suck out my
brains with a straw, like you did the rest of them.
INSECTOID: (Insect talk.)
ASTRO: I'm different? Is that what you said to Jeff? Just before you
slurped up the contents of his skull, like it was a double-thick brain
shake? Get away from me.
The INSECTOID reaches him. He backs out of shot, the creature holds up a
metal straw and follows. The ASTRO screams. The screen is splattered
with red.
ASTRO: (VO) What have you done, you evil harlot! You've squeezed all the
ketchup out of my burger. Now what! No! Get that straw out of my
ear!
There is a slurping sound and more gunk hits the screen. The INSECTOID
lurches into view, something grey and slimy dangling from it's mouth. It
sucks it in like spaghetti, then licks the screen.
22 Int. Mid-section.
The four of them watching the replay on the scanner screen. Without
changing expression, RIMMER falls backwards out of shot in a dead faint.
23 Model Shot.
Starbug gingerly tacks through the spaceship graveyard.
24 Int. Mid-section.
All seated round the scanner table. LISTER has a sheaf of papers.
LISTER: OK. Scouter's checked out black boxes on three of the derelicts.
This entire belt is swarming with some kind of genetically engineered
life form who can alter your perception, telepathically. They're
called Psirens. Like with Ulysees in the ancient Turkish legend.
KRYTEN: I believe the legend was Greek, sir.
LISTER: Whatever. Some country that's big on curly shoes and hoummos.
the point is, they use this power of illusion to lure you on to the
asteroids, strip the ship of anything they can use and suck out your
brains.
RIMMER: They shouldn't bother us, then. There's barely a snack on board.
KRYTEN: We can't turn back. We'll lose Red Dwarf.
LISTER: Look, we'll be through the belt in three, maybe four hours.
We've just got to be on our toes. They'll try and tempt us, scare us,
break our morale - anything to force us down on to the rocks. Just be
alert.
A wall monitor starts to fizzle with white noise.
CAT: Incoming message. It's pretty weak.
CAT crosses to the monitor and fine-tunes the controls. The screen
clears and
25 Int. Cushiony, curtainy area.
Two beautiful TEMPTRESSES appear.
TEMPTRESS 1: Please help us. Our settlement is almost extinct. There
are only women left.
TEMPTRESS 2: Barely three thousand of us.
TEMPTRESS 1: If we are to survive, we need males to spread their seed
among our number. We beg you. Make love to us.
TEMPTRESS 2: Make love to all of us. Please, we beseech you...
26 Int. Mid-section.
The screen dies.
CAT: You heard 'em -- they want seed-spreaders. I'm going to apply. You
guys deal with this Psiren thing. I'll deal with this.
CAT dashes into the cockpit. Pause. He steps back again.
CAT: Call me paranoid, but you don't think they were these Psiren dude
things...?
LISTER, RIMMER and KRYTEN nod patiently.
CAT: Even the brunette?
LISTER, RIMMER and KRYTEN nod.
CAT: You don't think there's any chance they're just two nice girls who
both happen to want my seed for totally legitimate reasons?
LISTER, RIMMER and KRYTEN shake their heads.
CAT: I don't need to tell you this is a big disappointment. Damn vixens!
How could they be so cunning? If anyone wants me, I'll be taking a
cold shower in liquid oxygen.
CAT exits to cockpit.
RIMMER: Well, if that's the most sophisticated enticement these Psirens
can throw at us, I hardly think we're exactly in danger of being
bewitched.
KRYTEN: If I may postulate a theory, sir: that was merely the level of
sophistication required to lure the Cat. And it worked. Had we not
stopped him, he would now be on one of those asteroids, crawling around
without his brain, trying to write 'Oh boy, was _I_ suckered' with his
own intestinal tract.
LISTER: Look, we'll make it. All we've got to do is stay on the case.
The screen fizzles.
LISTER: Incoming message. Here they come again.
The picture is riddled with interference.
27 Int. Ship interior.
A wounded WOMAN looks into the camera. In the background, through the
smoke, we can vaguely make out that the WOMAN and her companions are
fighting a futile rearguard action. She is talking into a communicator.
WOMAN: Can anyone read me? This is Captain Tau of the SCS Pioneer.
We're under attack from some kind of scavengers -- Psirens. They lured
us on to this god-forsaken asteroid -- killed most of the crew.
She turns and lets out a volley of laser fire.
LISTER: Is this genuine?
The WOMAN is shot dead. A second WOMAN picks up the communicator, and
turns to the screen.
KOCHANSKI: Don't try and help us. We're finished. Save yourselves.
LISTER: Kochanski!
KOCHANSKI: Dave? Is that you?
LISTER: I thought you were dead.
KOCHANSKI: No time to explain. We're over-run! Get out of the belt
while you can!
LISTER: It's Kochanski.
KOCHANSKI: We'll be OK -- they'll never take us alive. I'm keeping back
three bullets. One for me and one for each of the two kids.
LISTER: Kids?
KOCHANSKI: Your two sons, Dave.
LISTER: My sons? But how...? I don't understand.
KOCHANSKI: When you went into stasis, I broke into the sperm bank, Dave,
back on Red Dwarf. You're a father. (Turns.) Here they come! (Cocks
the gun and calls off.) Jim, Bexley, come to Mummy.
LISTER: Wait! Don't do anything. I'm coming in.
The screen blanks.
28 Int. Mid-section.
LISTER: Kryten -- get the bazookoids. Rimmer -- plot a course.
LISTER grabs a space helmet.
RIMMER: Lister, tune into Sanity FM.
LISTER: What? Are you saying they were... Psirens?
RIMMER: Of course. It's as plain as a Bulgarian pin-up.
LISTER: You're sure?
RIMMER: Come on, Listy, you're giving simpletons a bad name.
CAT leans in from thee cockpit.
CAT: I think you should take a look at this. Something's heading
straight for us.
KRYTEN: What is it?
CAT: What do you call one of those giant meteorites that are covered in
flames?
KRYTEN: A giant, flaming meteorite?
CAT: That's it!
29 Model Shot.
Flaming meteor hurtling through space.
30 Int. Cockpit.
All take up their stations.
KRYTEN: Should I load the garbage cannon?
LISTER: Wouldn't make a dent.
RIMMER: Plot course change.
KRYTEN turns to navicomp.
CAT: Engaging re-heat!
KRYTEN: Wait! There's nothing on the radar.
RIMMER: So?
KRYTEN: I think it's another illusion.
LISTER: Psirens?
KRYTEN: Cat? Are you getting any scent from that meteorite?
CAT: Scent? You think there's going to be a duty-free shop on it?
KRYTEN: Can you _smell_ anything?
CAT: No. (Looks at RIMMER.) Just a little holo-fear.
KRYTEN: Recommend we maintain current course. That fire-ball does not
exist.
RIMMER: Say you're wrong?
KRYTEN: Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it.
RIMMER: Kryten, you haven't got a reputation.
KRYTEN: No, but I hope to acquire one from this escapade.
LISTER: It's closing. Too late to run.
The others brace themselves. KRYTEN remains defiantly erect.
KRYTEN: Relax, gentlemen, we're quite safe.
31 Model Shot.
The flaming meteor hurtles towards Starbug ... and passes harmlessly
through it.
32 Int. Cockpit.
They are momentarily bathed in an orange glow, then back to normal. They
unbrace.
KRYTEN: Well, I can't hang around saving your necks all day. Swagger
mode.
KRYTEN swaggers out.
KRYTEN: Guess I'd better make a start on that ironing.
LISTER follows him.
CAT: (Sniffs the air.) I'm getting another one. (To RIMMER.) Better get
Kryten. He'll tell us what to do.
RIMMER: I'm perfectly capable of dealing with a giant, flaming meteorite,
thank you so very much. We do not need to enlist the services of a
domestic droid with a head shaped like a genetically flawed lumpfish.
CAT: OK, keep your H on. So what do we do?
RIMMER: There's nothing on the radar. It's another illusion. We do
nothing.
LISTER and KRYTEN come back in.
LISTER: What's happening, guys? Cabin temperature's rising.
RIMMER: Psirens again. Another illusion. It's all in hand.
KRYTEN: Permission to speak, sir?
RIMMER: Refused.
KRYTEN: What if this time it's a real fireball and the radar read-out
that's the illusion?
RIMMER: Relax, gentlemen. We're quite safe.
LISTER: Cat -- chuck a left, man.
They brace themselves, except for RIMMER, who stands nobly erect.
33 Model Shot.
The flaming meteor hurtles towards Starbug ... and smashes into it.
34 Int. Cockpit.
RIMMER gets flung backwards through the cockpit door. Sparks and smoke
from the consoles.
35 Model Shot. Night.
Starbug crashes on to an asteroid.
36 Int. Cockpit.
LISTER and CAT are putting out small fires on the consoles. KRYTEN is
checking the computer screen. RIMMER staggers in.
RIMMER: Any damage?
CAT: Not too bad. A couple of the sensors are out, fuel-intake chambers
are both flooded and the left pilot seat doesn't go up and down any
more.
RIMMER: We came through that intact?
KRYTEN: Starbug was built to last, sir. This old baby's crashed more
times than a ZX81.
LISTER: It's the material it's built from. Aerospace engineers
discovered that, after a plane crash, the only thing that always
survives intasct is a cute little doll. They built Starbug out of the
same stuff.
CAT: How long before we can take off again?
KRYTEN: Oh, just a matter of ... Wait. The front landing stanchion is
embedded in the rock up to its joint. We're going to have to go out
there and blast it free.
LISTER: I'll go.
KRYTEN: Sir, the atmosphere is thin, and this place is likely to be
crawling with Psirens.
LISTER: You sort out the engines. I'll be out there two minutes,
maximum.
37 Model Shot. Night.
Crashed Starbug. Tiny sparks by the front landing leg. We cut to:
38 Ext. (OB) Asteroid. Night.
Welding gun held by LISTER, in space suit, as he tries to free Starbug's
landing leg. Attached to the neck of the suit is a breathing pipe, which
looks a bit like a harmonica, from which he occasionally sucks air. He
stops and presses a communicator button on his wrist.
LISTER: How's that?
CAT: (VO. Dist.) Looking good. We'll clear the rest on take-off.
LISTER: On my way back.
LISTER packs his gear. From behind him, he hears;
PSIREN: Hi, Dave.
LISTER spins to see a PSIREN -- a cross between Catwoman and Barbarella.
LISTER: Smegging heck. It's Pete Tranter's sister!
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER: Remember me, Dave? You lusted after me all
through your puberty. There's nothing more potent than an adolescent
fantasy. Don't you remember? You wanted me so badly: And now, at
last, I can be yours.
LISTER trains his welding gun on her.
LISTER: Back off, Pete Tranter's sister! I know what you're after: it's
moist and pink and it's inside my head. And that's where it's staying.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER: Oh come on, Dave. You know what you want. You
want to squeeze my buttocks together to make one juicy giant peach.
LISTER: I get it. You're trying to make me drown in my own drool. Well,
it won't work.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER: Don't fight it.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER advances. On the ground we see the shadow she
casts is her true form: the hideous bipedal insectoid we saw before.
LISTER, unaware, swoons and sways, trying to fight his desire.
LISTER: Stay back, Pete Tranter's sister.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER: How long has it been since you made love to a
woman?
LISTER: I admit it's been a while.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER: It's been over three million years, Dave.
LISTER: I prefer to count it in Ice Ages: then it's just four. And if
you count it in _leap_ Ice Ages, it's hardly even one.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER: That's a long time, Dave, for a man of your
drives.
LISTER: that's a long time for a Welsh shepherd who's allergic to wool.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER: Kiss me.
Two-shot: as the PSIREN approaches LISTER, we see it in its insectoid
form.
LISTER: I can't resist you any more, Pete Tranter's sister.
PETE TRANTER'S SISTER: Your death will be exquisite. I'll take you to
the peak of ecstasy, then I'll blow your mind.
We intercut between LISTER passionately necking with PETE TRANTER'S
SISTER and LISTER necking with the hideous INSECTOID PSIREN, including
licking it's swarfega-dripping mandibles. Slowly, PETE TRANTER'S SISTER
raises a metal straw, like the one we saw in the mad Astro scene, about
to plunge it into his head, when a shot rings out and PETE TRANTER'S
SISTER is hit in the back. Before LISTER's eyes, the illusion ends and
he sees the INSECTOID PSIREN thrashing around on the ground, squealing in
it's death throes. He looks up. KRYTEN holds a smoking bazookoid.
KRYTEN: Come on, Dave -- let's get out of here.
As LISTER walks past him, we see KRYTEN is concealing a metal straw
behind his back.
LISTER: (To himself.) Dave?
Slo-mo: LISTER spins as the metal straw arcs down towards his head. He
blasts KRYTEN. The illusion ends and another INSECTOID PSIREN dies,
jerking and squealing. LISTER's radio crackles.
KRYTEN: (VO. Dist.) Sir? Is everything OK out there?
LISTER: Stand by with the airlock. I'm coming back.
39 Int. Cockpit.
RIMMER and KRYTEN craning over the mike.
RIMMER: What's the delay?
LISTER: (VO. Dist.) A couple of Psirens wiped each other out fighting
over my brains ... Oh, no. It's the TV weather girl from channel 27.
KRYTEN: Sir. Fight it! Don't look at her.
LISTER: (VO. Dist.) It's not that easy, Kryten -- you can't see what
she's doing with her pointy stick.
CAT: I'm starting up the engines.
RIMMER: Get back in here.
KRYTEN exits to mid-section. Over the radio, we hear LISTER firing.
LISTER: (VO. Dist.) On my way.
CAT starts up the engines.
40 Int. Mid-section.
KRYTEN stands by the airlock, looking at a video monitor. The monitor
blinks into life and LISTER appears.
LISTER: (VO. Dist.) It's me.
KRYTEN presses a button.
41 Int. Airlock doors.
The outer airlock doors hiss open (A flat), and through swirling smoke,
LISTER steps in. He presses the door close button.
LISTER: I'm in.
42 Int. Mid-section.
KRYTEN opens the inner airlock door and closes it as LISTER staggers in.
LISTER: It's getting pretty hairy out there. Come on -- Let's vamoose.
43 Int. Cockpit.
CAT starts to take off.
44 Int. Mid-section.
As KRYTEN and LISTER head for the cockpit, the airlock monitor fizzes on
again and a SECOND LISTER appears on the screen.
LISTER 2: What the hell are you doing taking off when I'm still outside?
Let me in.
KRYTEN double-takes between the LISTER inside and the LISTER on the
monitor.
KRYTEN: I'm afraid, sir, you're already here.
RIMMER steps down from the cockpit.
LISTER 1: He's a Psiren -- don't let him in.
LISTER 2: For god's sake -- I can't hang on any longer. _He's_ the
Psiren. Let me in!
RIMMER: What do we do?
KRYTEN: there's no way to tell which is which. We have to let him in.
RIMMER: That means we'll definitely have one Psiren on board. A brain-
sucking psychotic temporal lobe slurper.
KRYTEN: There's a fifty per cent chance we have one on board already. We
can't risk killing the real Lister. I'm letting him in.
RIMMER: What about Space Corps directive 5796?
KRYTEN: 5796? 'No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted
to go into combat with pierced nipples'?!? Pardon me, but how does that
possibly pertain to the current situation?
RIMMER: 5797, then.
KRYTEN: To hell with the regs, sir. I'm letting him in.
KRYTEN presses the door release.
RIMMER: On your square head be it.
45 Model Shot.
Starbug flying through asteroid belt.
46 Int. Mid-section.
The TWO LISTERS are seated side by side, KRYTEN has a bazookoid trained
on them. RIMMER watches them warily. The CAT steps down from the
cockpit with a bazookoid.
CAT: We're on auto.
LISTER 1: How many times? _He's_ the Psiren. I'm me.
LISTER 2: How can you believe this for two seconds? He doesn't even
_look_ like me. He's podgy. He hasn't got my classic profile.
KRYTEN: Sir, you both look identical.
The TWO LISTERS look at each other, then look forward.
LISTER 1 AND 2: (Together.) No way.
KRYTEN: We're going to try some tests.
RIMMER: A series of questions to trick and confuse you. If you fail to
answer correctly or for any reason hesitate, you'll be shot.
LISTER 1: Come on, Rimmer, give us a break.
LISTER 2: (Overlapping.) For god's sake, Rimmer, do me a lemon.
RIMMER: Kryten?
KRYTEN throws two apples. BOTH LISTERS catch them right-handed.
KRYTEN: Both right-handed. Correct. You have a tattoo on your left
buttock, true or false?
LISTER 1 AND 2: (Together) True.
RIMMER: (To LISTER 1) You. It's dedicated to the one unbending love of
your life. Describe the tattoo.
LISTER 1: It's a heart with an arrow through it, and underneath it says
'I love vindaloo' in dripping curry sauce.
RIMMER: (To LISTER 2) You. How did you get it?
LISTER 2: Planet leave on Ganymede. Went on the razz with Petersen. He
spiked my cocktail with half a pint of four star petrol. When I next
awoke, I'd enrolled as a novice monk in a Ganymedian monastery. I
discovered the vindaloo tattoo when I handed in my habit.
RIMMER: Take your shoes and socks off. Kryten?
KRYTEN puts two pairs of scissors on the scanner top.
RIMMER: Now, gentlemen: trim your toe nails.
Both LISTERS start biting their toenails.
RIMMER: Enough.
KRYTEN picks up LISTER's guitar and hands it to LISTER 1.
RIMMER: Play the guitar.
LISTER 1: Here? Inside?
RIMMER: Play it.
LISTER 1 starts playing the guitar. It is a superb display of
axemanship. (If we could get some guitar diva to crouch behind Lister
and be his arms, ecstasy.) After about fifteen seconds of astonishing
virtuosity, the music builds to a crescendo and ends. As the last chord
dies away, KRYTEN and CAT hit LISTER 1 with volley after volley of
bazookoid fire. The INSECTOID PSIREN writhes and screeches on the floor.
LISTER 2: How did you know that wasn't me?
CAT: 'Cause that dude could play.
LISTER 2: He wasn't any better than me.
KRYTEN: That's how you _believe_ you play, sir. That's why, when the
Psiren read your mind, he shared your delusion that you are not a ten-
thumbed, tone-deaf, talentless noise polluter.
LISTER: Are you seriously saying you think he was better than me?
LISTER picks up the guitar and starts playing. It's terrible.
LISTER: What's the difference? If anything, this is slightly better.
CAT: A little survival tip, bud. Never play your guitar in front of a
man with a loaded gun.
LISTER: I resent this. I resent you saving my life in this way. I won't
forget this.
RIMMER: Where's it gone?
ALL look down for the PSIREN's corpse. It has vanished. A trail of
yellow Psiren blood leads to the spiral staircase.
KRYTEN: It's crawled down to the engine room.
Alert lights flash and a siren whoops.
RIMMER: Meteor storm! Off the port bow. It's a biggie.
KRYTEN: Recommend you two stay here and man the cockpit. Mr Rimmer and I
will pursue the Psiren.
RIMMER: Um, that's quite a good plan, Kryten. Excellent in all but one
detail. I think you know what it is. (Waves.) 'Bye.
KRYTEN: There's no time to argue.
KRYTEN heads for the spiral stairs. The others dash into the cockpit.
After a short pause, the bloodstain trail vanishes, and the wounded
PSIREN drops its illusion of invisibility and re-appears where it fell.
47 Int. (OB) Engine room.
KRYTEN prowls around with his Psi-scan and bazookoid. He gets an alert
beep on his psi-scan, and rotates. He looks up. The wounded PSIREN is
behind him, some distance away.
KRYTEN: Please, I have no desire to hurt you. Let us set you down on an
asteroid where your fellow GELFs can attend to your wounds.
The PSIREN rasps insectly.
KRYTEN: There's no logic in trying to engage me in combat. I am
unseducible, in that I have no desires or lusts, and my brain is
synthetic and consequently of no interest to you. Give yourself up.
KRYTEN looks astonished. When we cut back, the PSIREN has become a
female scientist, MAMET.
KRYTEN: Professor Mamet? My creator.
MAMET: Hello, Kryten.
KRYTEN: What is the function of this illusion?
MAMET starts to advance on him.
MAMET: You cannot harm me, Kryten. It's coded into every cell in your
body. You're totally defenceless against me.
KRYTEN lowers his bazookoid and takes out his walkie-talkie.
KRYTEN: True. However, the others are not so hampered.
MAMET: You are also programmed to obey my every command. Drop the radio.
KRYTEN involuntarily drops the walkie-talkie.
MAMET: Open the waste compactor.
Against his will, KRYTEN opens the waste compactor we saw earlier.
KRYTEN: What are you doing?
MAMET: Climb inside.
KRYTEN: No!
But he climbs inside.
KRYTEN: This serves no...
MAMET: Engage the mechanism.
KRYTEN: You're sick!
KRYTEN struggles with himself but loses. He presses the compactor
button. The hatch closes.
MAMET: Die!
We hear the sound of KRYTEN being crushed. A silence. We hear footsteps
on the metal stairs. MAMET wheels round. Shot: LISTER, the CAT and
RIMMER walking along the gantry.
LISTER: Kryten? You here? The meteor storm was another illusion. The
Psiren's not as badly wounded as we thought.
RIMMER: Kryten?
They spot KRYTEN's psi-scan and bazookoid, abandoned on the floor.
CAT: It's got him.
LISTER picks up the psi-scan and activates it.
LISTER: (Shouts) Kryten?
48 Int. (OB) Another section of engine room.
CAT, LISTER and RIMMER walk down some stairs. RIMMER suddenly fades to
black and white.
RIMMER: My battery's going. Only a few seconds left. Need a recharge...
RIMMER's image vanishes, and his light bee falls to the floor. LISTER
picks it up and pockets it.
LISTER: And then there were two.
CAT and LISTER round a corner. We see the INSECTOID PSIREN standing
against a wall. Bizarrely, CAT and LISTER don't react but walk straight
up to it.
LISTER: (To CAT) Want a drink, man?
CAT: I'm parched.
LISTER stands facing the PSIREN
LISTER: (To CAT) Cola?
From another angle, we see what they see: a Coke machine. LISTER
reaches for a button.
LISTER: Wait a minute. What's a vending machine doing in the engine
room?
In a flurry of arms, mandibles and probosces, the INSECTOID PSIREN
attacks CAT and LISTER, knocking them both out. As they lie helpless,
the INSECTOID PSIREN takes out the metal straw. They are dead meat.
49 Int. (OB) Engine room.
The waste compactor hatch springs open, and KRYTEN drops out. He has
been compacted into a cube, with short, stumpy legs but no arms.
KRYTEN: You scum-sucking mollusc. You can't do this to us.
He waddles furiously down the corridor. He catches sight of them on the
deck below.
50 Int. (OB) Another section of the engine room.
The INSECTOID has the woozy LISTER by the locks, about to plunge the
straw into his brain. We see CUBED KRYTEN plummet down towards the
INSECTOID. The INSECTOID looks up, but too late, as CUBED KRYTEN crushes
it.
51 Model Shot. Starbug in Space.
52 Int. Cockpit.
CAT in the pilot seat, LISTER next to him. RIMMER at navicomp.
RIMMER: That's it -- we're clear of the belt.
LISTER: What about Red Dwarf?
RIMMER: According to the navicomp, it's gone into that gas nebula.
CAT: Then that's where we're heading.
The CUBED KRYTEN waddles in with a tea tray on top of him.
KRYTEN: Tea, anyone?
LISTER: Cheers, man.
KRYTEN: Suggest you don't put your cups on the console, sir. It leaves
those ugly little ring marks. Why not use me as a table?
LISTER: I thought you were going to fix yourself.
KRYTEN: Not until I've performed all my duties, sir. I can't go
gallivanting off engaging my self-repair unit, not when there's a pile
of laundry in the washroom the size of the north face of the Eiger.
Besides, Cat has invited me to the weekly crap game tonight.
CAT: He's gonna be the dice.
RIMMER: Approaching nebula.
LISTER: Let's see what's in there.
53 Model Shot. Starbug flies into the gas nebula.
The End
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-4074728693871833192012-11-01T09:38:00.000-07:002012-11-01T09:38:04.588-07:00Season 5 Episode 6 - Back to Reality<pre> RED DWARF Series V Episode 6, "Back to Reality"
1 Model shot. Underwater.
A space ship is on the floor of a sea or ocean. Starbug lands close to
it.
2 Later.
KRYTEN: (VO) Mr. Rimmer, sir. We've located the black box terminal. You
should be getting something now.
3 Int. Starbug.
RIMMER is talking to the others over the radio.
RIMMER: Confirmed. Ident details: SSS Esperanto. Ocean seeding ship.
Mission to introduce oceanic life to potential S3 planets. This was a
recon trip. A 3 year check, strictly routine, to make sure that the
amino acid chain had taken.
4 Int. Esperanto.
LISTER, CAT, and KRYTEN are trudging around the dark ship while RIMMER
speaks to them over the radio from Starbug.
RIMMER: (VO) They had been trying some new enhancement technique to
accelerate the evolutionary process. Topped their best projections.
The camera switches back an forth from group to group as they speak.
RIMMER: They got 5 million years of evolution in 3 solar years.
KRYTEN: (Whistles.)
CAT: So what happened?
RIMMER: Final entry: routine stuff. They spent the day cataloging and
indexing new life-forms. Then it stops.
KRYTEN: The question which occurs: if this ocean is supposed to be
teeming with new life forms, where _are_ they all?
LISTER: What are you implying, Kryten?!
KRYTEN: No implication intended, sir.
LISTER: Yes there is. You're saying there's some huge damn fish out
there, aren't you? Some kind of gigantic, weird, pre-historic
leviathan who has porked its entire way through this ocean.
KRYTEN: That's one option.
LISTER: Any alternatives?
KRYTEN: None that occur.
CAT: Hey, wait a minute! I've got it! Don't fish swim south for the
winter?
KRYTEN: No, that's _birds_, sir.
CAT: _Birds_ swim south for the winter?! How do they breath?
LISTER discovers a skeleton in an adjoining room.
LISTER: Guys! Rimmer, you getting this?
RIMMER: It looks like Norman Bates' mum.
The others have followed LISTER into the room and now KRYTEN scans the
decayed corpse.
KRYTEN: Human, male, Caucasian. Cause of death gunshot wound to the
head. From the entry and exit wounds, most likely self-inflicted.
CAT: (Calling out from another part of the room) Here's another one!
A body is hanging from a pipe, noose round neck.
LISTER: Two suicides?!
CAT: There's more!
The group moves on to examine yet another corpse.
KRYTEN: A male. Oriental. Clearly he has committed Seppuku.
CAT: Hey! Look what I found.
CAT holds up a fish corpse for KRYTEN to scan.
KRYTEN: Species: unknown. Similar to Earth haddock. Cause of death:
_suffocation_.
CAT: What?!
RIMMER: (Over the radio) What is it?
KRYTEN: This fish _suffocated_ in water. It voluntarily closed its own
gills.
CAT: Are you saying that this haddock committed suicide?!
KRYTEN: I'm merely stating the known facts. This fish relinquished its
life of its own free will. Damned fool!
LISTER: Why would a haddock kill itself? Why am I even asking that
question?
CAT: Hang five, guys, I'm getting something. (Pointing to each corpse in
turn with his torch) He committed suicide, he committed suicide, he
committed suicide, and the _fish_ committed suicide. There's some kind
of link here I can't quite make out.
LISTER: Hang on a minute, guys. (He sees something, a substance, and
picks some up.) Check this!
KRYTEN: (Scanning) It's an unknown compound. Best guess is some sort of
hallucinogenic venom secreted from a piscine source, not unlike Earth's
octopus or giant squid.
LISTER: This is octopus ink?
KRYTEN: Well, I'm just completing a chemical analysis. (He appears
socked) Err...
LISTER: What?
KRYTEN: (Urgently) Come on sirs, we have to go!
RIMMER: What's happening?
KRYTEN: We have to go!!
RIMMER: Kryten, what's going on?
KRYTEN: Entering air lock.
LISTER: Repressurising now.
KRYTEN: Some kind of sea creature, a life form we have never encountered
before attacked this ship. Its defense mechanism is a curious one. It
secretes a venom, a poison, possibly even a hallucinogenic, which
disfunctions its prey by inducing despair. That's why the crew
members, and even that fish, committed suicide.
Unfortunately, we have become contaminated. It's a greatly reduced
dose but we may find that we do experience (bursts into tears) moments
of despair and anguish.
RIMMER: What about Lister and the Cat?
LISTER: I'm OK. I don't seem to be affected. (Beginning to break down)
It's true, I don't think anyone ever truly loved me in my entire life,
but there's nothing new about that.
CAT: What's gotten into you guys? This is like Saturday night at the
Wailing Wall! Why is it always _me_ that has to be the strong one?
(Starts to cry also) I mean you guys just fall apart.
KRYTEN: I think we should get back just as soon as we can and then take a
mood-stabiliser. I suggest Lithium Carbonate.
RIMMER: I know that emotionally this probably isn't the news you want to
hear right now but there's a blob on the sonar scope the size of New
Mexico and it's heading your way.
HOLLY: I think our friend the "Suicide Squid" is about to make an
appearance.
KRYTEN: (Over the radio to RIMMER) Where is it precisely?
RIMMER: Directly above you, about 2000 fathoms and diving.
LISTER: Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer. You know the state we're in and you
have to go and give us news like that. You couldn't have _lied_?
RIMMER: I _was_ lying. It's only 1000 fathoms.
KRYTEN: We're entering Starbug's airlock now.
5 The sonar scope.
The blob is moving around without really closing in on them.
6 Int. Starbug rear section.
LISTER and CAT are using breathing masks while everyone is standing
around the scope.
RIMMER: What's it doing?
LISTER: It's trying to figure out what we are. (To KRYTEN) Cut the
power.
RIMMER: This venom -- are we safe in here?
LISTER: It penetrated the hull of a class D Space Corps seeding ship. In
comparison we're a sardine tin.
RIMMER: It's moving.
LISTER: Where?
HOLLY: Down.
LISTER: Speed?
HOLLY: 15 knots ... 16 ... 18 ...
RIMMER: It's diving.
LISTER: Course?
HOLLY: Collision.
KRYTEN: Do we move or stay?
HOLLY: 25 knots ... 35 ... 50 ...
RIMMER: It's coming straight for us.
LISTER: There are only three alternatives. It thinks we're either a
threat, food, or a mate. It's gonna either kill us, eat us, or hump
us. We can either persuade it that we are not that sort of oceanic
salvage vessel or we scarper pronto.
CAT: To be diddled by a giant squid on the first date? Think how we'd
feel in the morning!
KRYTEN: OK, we're going to try and out run it. Holly, hit the power, and
give me manual!
Starbug lifts off from the ocean bed and starts to move off as quick as
it can. The despair squid is in hot pursuit.
HOLLY: Change bearing, one zero five. There's some natural caverns about
3 clicks away. It might give us some cover.
LISTER: (Piloting) That's a yo, Holly! (Changes course) New course in!
They are approaching the underwater caverns when the creature catches up
with them, driving them down into the ground.
LISTER: It's hit us!
RIMMER: Look out!
They impact hard on a ridge, and Starbug explodes!
7 Computer readout.
Machine 16
*-------------------------------------------*
| |
| |
| G A M E O V E R |
| |
| |
*-------------------------------------------*
* Score 4% * Red Dwarf
Music is heard.
VOICE: For the last four years you have been engaged in the Total
Immersion Video Game, Red Dwarf.
8 Int. Game room.
We see some very hefty game machinery. The entire group is sitting in
dentist-style seats around a central control machine. They are dressed
in overalls and have large oxygen masks over their faces. They begin to
stir.
VOICE: As with all role-playing adventures you will experience a certain
amount of disorientation on leaving the game. It will be several
minutes before your real-life memories return. So, in the meantime,
please disengage the game-playing machinery and _relax_ until an
attendant is free to answer any of your questions.
On behalf of Leisure World International, may we be the first to say,
welcome back to reality!
The masks lift up and allow the group to get out of their chairs.
LISTER's hair is straight and he has a ponytail (no dreadlocks). KRYTEN
has a metal skull plate but has human hands. RIMMER's hair looks like
Dr. Emmet Brown from Back to the Future.
LISTER: This is a very, _very_ bad dream, right?!
RIMMER stumbles and is caught by LISTER.
RIMMER: I'm not a hologram. (Smiles.)
KRYTEN: I'm half human!
CAT: What the hell's happened to my teeth?!
He has teeth with a gigantic overbite and also a "Pyrex bowl" haircut.
CAT: I can open beer bottles with my overbite!!
An attendant appears. He is ANDY and has a very strong Birmingham
accent.
ANDY: Allright, lads! How you feeling? A bit wonky? Perfectly normal.
You'll be as right as rain in 20 minutes. So, if you could just move
through into the recuperation lounge, I can get things ready for the
next lot.
LISTER: The next lot?
ANDY: Yeah, a very popular game is Red Dwarf. It's got a two year
waiting list. Only got 20 machines. So! How did you get killed, then?
KRYTEN: Some kind of squid.
ANDY: The _despair_ squid?! There's no way that should have killed you!
Why didn't you use the laser cannons? It's obvious!
KRYTEN: Starbug doesn't -- didn't have a laser cannon capability.
ANDY: You twonk! Use the laser cannons on the crashed ... wotsit ...
Esperanto. That's how you get out of it!
RIMMER: _How_ were we supposed to know that, you Brummie git?
ANDY: Esperanto. That's a clue, isn't it? Esperanto -- hope. Hope
defeats despair. Despair -- the Despair Squid. It's a blatant clue,
isn't it? Blatant! If you didn't get that you must have been playing
like puddings!
Which one was playing Lister, then?
LISTER: (Subdued) Me.
ANDY: Did you get Kochanski?
LISTER: (Surprised) Was I supposed to?
ANDY: Supposed to? That's the objective of the game for Lister, you
twonk! You get separated to begin with and basically it's a love story
across time, space, death, and reality. You must have got the easy
stuff, though! Here, what did you think of the Planet of the
Nymphomaniacs?
RIMMER: The Planet of the _what_?!
ANDY: What, you missed _that_?! Oh, that's a riot! Some people spend
years on that. Which one was Rimmer?
RIMMER: (Smiling) Me.
ANDY: Ohh, he's amazing, in't he?
RIMMER: You can say that again.
ANDY: How long did it take you to suss him out, then?
RIMMER: Ahh, I had him sussed right from the beginning.
ANDY: Really? You found the Captain's message right away?!
RIMMER: (Taken back) _What_ Captain's message?
ANDY: The one that's hidden in the microdot in the 'i' in Rimmer's
swimming certificate. Well, that's the clue, isn't it? Rimmer having
a swimming certificate and not being able to swim!
KRYTEN: That's a clue?!
ANDY: It's a blatant clue, isn't it?
RIMMER: A blatant clue to what?
ANDY: A blatant clue to the truth behind Rimmer.
RIMMER: _What_ truth?
ANDY: The truth to why he is such an insufferable pratt.
RIMMER: That's because of his parents, his upbringing, his background.
The fact that he was never loved.
ANDY: No, no, no.
RIMMER: Yes, yes, yes.
ANDY: No, no, no.
RIMMER: Yes, yes, yes.
ANDY: No!
RIMMER: (Annoyed) What was it then?
ANDY: He was a hand-picked special agent for the Space Corps. He had his
memory erased and was programmed to behave like a complete twonk so no
one would suspect he was on a mission to destroy Red Dwarf in order to
guide Lister to his destiny as the creator of the second universe!
LISTER: You what?!
ANDY: Yeah! You know the bit where Lister jump starts the second big
bang with jump leads from Starbug?
RIMMER: (Incredulous) Jump starts the second big bang?
ANDY: Well, that's the final irony, isn't it? Lister, the ultimate
atheist, turns out in fact to be God!
LISTER: _What_?!
ANDY: It's all in the Captain's message. It's all in the microdot. Hang
on a minute! Are you ... are you seriously telling me you were playing
the pratt version of Rimmer for all that time? For four years?! Wow,
that's a classic that is! That's a classic!
A new group of T.I.V.G. players arrive.
ANDY: All right, lads. Which one's Lister?
One of the group raises his hand.
ANDY: Right. Got the food bag, bio-feedback catheter. It's all there.
You can start plugging yourself in. Here, whatever you do don't mix
the food line with the catheter, will you? I had some bloke that did
that and didn't spot it for 2 days. Heh heh heh!
OK, Kryten, in you go, son. OK, Cat, Rimmer... (To the original
Dwarfers) Hey, give us a bit of room here, will ya please chaps?
KRYTEN: Well, where do we go? We don't know who we are -- our memories
haven't returned yet.
ANDY: The _re-cup-er-a-tion_ Lounge. I keep telling you. Blimey! No
wonder you only scored four percent. Gaw, what a bunch of twonks.
9 Int. The recuperation lounge.
LISTER: I'm not Lister, then. I'm not me, am I?
KRYTEN: None of us are who we thought we were, sir. This is going to
take some getting used to.
RIMMER: I'm not Rimmer, then?
KRYTEN: No.
RIMMER: I'm not a hologram. (Perking up) I'm not Rimmer!
CAT: Well, if we are not who we thought we were, who the hell are we?!
LISTER: The kind of sad'acs who want to spend four years playing a
computer game. Either we're running away from god-knows-what, or we
have nothing worth living for in the first place.
A nurse arrives.
NURSE: Is there a Dwane Dibbley in here?
LISTER: Pardon?
NURSE: Dwane Dibbley?
LISTER: No, sorry.
RIMMER: Wait a minute. How do you know there is no one called Dwane
Dibbley in here? It could be you.
NURSE: (Returning) No, this is right. Dibbley. This is the Dibbley
party. Which one's Dwane Dibbley?
The camera focuses on CAT.
CAT: No! No, no, please, no! I don't want to be Dwane Dibbley!
The nurse finds DIBBLEY's bag with his ID on it, and gets it for him.
NURSE: It's you. Here are your party's clothes and possessions. The
medical officer will be down in 20 minutes.
DWANE: Dwane Dibbley?! How can I be called Dwane Dibbley?
LISTER starts going through the case the NURSE picked out.
LISTER: It's true. It's got your photograph, name, and address on it and
everything. There's an anorak in here! White socks. Nylon shirt.
Plastic sandals. Aertex vest. Cardigan! Oh, and a key to the
Salvation Army hostel.
DWANE: It doesn't make sense!
RIMMER: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid it makes perfect sense, Dwane!! Imagine
a guy with no `elan, no style -- a misfit. Doesn't it just make total
sense that this hapless creature would give his buck teeth to play
someone like the the Cat in a computer game?
DWANE: So this is really me?! A no-style gimbo, with teeth the druids
could use as a place of worship?!
RIMMER: Kryten, open the next one!
KRYTEN: Listen, whoever you are: don't push your luck by ordering
whoever _I_ am around. Because, almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm
not the kind of guy who's going to take any crap from whoever you are.
So before you start ordering me around let's establish whether I'm the
kind of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around, or if I'm the kind
of guy who gets all up tight by being ordered around by whatever the
kind of guy _you_ are. _Clear_?
RIMMER: All I said was, "Open the next one."
During this spiel LISTER has grabbed another bag.
LISTER: (To KRYTEN) Allright, this one's you.
KRYTEN: Oh! Who am I?
LISTER: _Wow_! You're a detective! In the _Cybernautic_ Division of the
Police Department.
KRYTEN: Oh! Golly! Really?
LISTER: Yeah. This is your badge.
KRYTEN: A detective, huh? What's my name?
LISTER: Jake. Jake Bullet.
JAKE: Jake Bullet, Cybernautic Detective. I like that! That sounds like
the kind of hard-living flat foot who gets the job done by cutting
corners and bucking authority. And if those pen-pushers up at City
Hall don't like it, well, they can park their over-payed, fat ass's on
_this_ mid-digit (Extending his mid-digit) and swivel -- swivel till
they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon.
RIMMER: On the other hand, "Mr. Bullet," perhaps the Cybernautics
division is in charge of traffic control. You just happen to have a
rather silly macho name.
JAKE: Oh yes, that's a very good point, sir. I didn't think of that.
DWANE: (Looking at his plastic sandals) Dwane Dibbley?
RIMMER: (To LISTER) So, whoever you are, who's next?
LISTER: I don't want to know. Someone else look.
JAKE: Stand aside! Let the law handle this.
He grabs the next case.
JAKE: Hmm... No photograph. Name, "Billy Doyle."
The group looks at LISTER.
LISTER: Not necessarily. It's not necessarily me.
LISTER gets up to investigate the suitcase.
RIMMER: Billy Doyle. Well, that's a name that came from the wrong side
of the the tracks, isn't it? You can see it all now: a youth spent in
and out of corrective institutions. A string of illegitimate children.
The wife will be all white shoes, no tights, and blotchy legs.
Has to take up petty crime to cover the court orders for maintenance.
Before he knows it he's standing in a bank with a sawn-off shotgun.
Somehow it goes off. An old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted
bobble hat. All he can do is hide. But where? And then it hits him
-- with all his ill-gotten gains he can buy four years in a computer
game and wait until the heat's off. So ends the Ballad of Billy
"Granny Killer" Doyle.
LISTER let's out a big sigh of relief and hands the case to RIMMER.
LISTER: It's yours.
BILLY: What?!
LISTER: It's yours, "Bill."
BILLY: No.
LISTER: Check the ugly mug on the ID then, man.
LISTER sits down next to BILLY and shows him the ID.
BILLY: William Doyle. "William Doyle." Good ol' Bill Doyle. You know,
that sounds like a hell of a good name to me! Probably connected with
the Boston Doyles. Old money, blue chip stock. You know, I think it's
all starting to come back to me now.
LISTER: What puzzles me slightly is what a man of such _undoubted_ good
breeding would be doing wearing a coat that smells like an elderly male
yak has taken a leak in both the pockets.
BILLY: Well, isn't it obvious?
JAKE: No, it isn't.
BILLY: _Oh my god_! My name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is "Eau de Yak
Urine."
LISTER: So, who am I, then?
He gets up again and opens the last case.
LISTER: Wow! Look at my gear! This stuff's really, really expensive!
BILLY: (Springing to his feet) Are you quite absolutely sure this isn't
my box?
JAKE: Who are you? What do you do?
LISTER: I work for some company -- CGI. I've got a limo in the long-term
car park.
BILLY: Well, clearly you were privy to all the breaks and advantages that
life denied poor old William Doyle here.
JAKE has found an ID badge that fell of the case.
JAKE: Sir, I think you should take a look at this. Willy, meet your
brother, Sebastian.
SEBASTIAN and BILLY check out the ID JAKE has found.
JAKE: Well, half brothers. Uterinal -- same mother.
10 Int. Corridor outside the lounge.
JAKE, dressed in a suit, trench coat, and hat, leaves the room first.
JAKE: This is a crazy idea. We can't leave now. Our memories haven't
returned yet.
Next comes BILLY, looking like a homeless combination of Columbo and
Albert Einstein.
BILLY: We've got to find out more about ourselves. I refuse to accept
I'm his alky dropout, yak-coat-wearing, half-brother.
DWANE stumbles out next, wearing some remarkably uncool clothes and
toting a thermos.
DWANE: (He can't get over it) Dwane Dibbley!
SEBASTIAN is wearing a dark overcoat over some nice, tan clothes. He
saunters nonchalantly until he notices the viewer on one side of the
hall, and stops to look into the newly-started Red Dwarf Game.
11 Machine 16. Model shot.
The viewer shows Starbug taking off and crashing through Red Dwarf's
cargo bay doors.
12 Machine 16. Int. Starbug cockpit.
The new KOCHANSKI storms through into the cockpit and confronts the NEW
LISTER.
NEW KOCHANSKI: Are you crazy, Lister? Are you totally nuts? You risk
your own neck and everybody elses just to save my life? You do that
again and I'll kill you!
NEW LISTER: Hey, Kochanski.
He gets out of the pilots seat, spits out what is left of his cigar, and
pulls the NEW KOCHANSKI close.
NEW LISTER: Shaarrtt up!
He holds her tight and starts to kiss her. At first she struggles, but
soon she is passionately kissing him back.
13 Int. Corridor outside the lounge.
SEBASTIAN looks away from the observation screen, depressed. He sighs.
14 Ext. Leisure World International.
They leave the Total Immersion Video Arcade and enter the car park level.
They pass two posters stuck on a wall.
SEBASTIAN: (Reading) "Vote Fascist for a third glorious decade of total
law enforcement."
JAKE: (Reading) "Be a government informer. Betray your family & friends.
Fabulous prizes to be won."
They arrive at the limo, which is covered with a car cover.
SEBASTIAN: There it is. (He removes the car cover.)
BILLY: This is _your_ car?!
SEBASTIAN: Bay 47.
A young child runs into view and across the car park, being chased by a
man in a suit.
COP: Halt or I'll fire!
The child runs right between BILLY and JAKE while the COP stops and
raises his gun.
COP: Move, voters!
JAKE: (Grabbing BILLY to stop him from moving) Move an inch and I'll
crush every bone in your body.
The COP has lost the girl, but he does not lower his gun -- it's an
automatic weapon that looks all too loaded. He approaches the group
angrily.
COP: You helped an enemy of democracy escape. She was stealing an apple
of the people.
JAKE: (Whipping out his badge in an aggressive manner) Bullet.
Cybernautics!
COP: That's _traffic control_.
JAKE is crestfallen and turns his badge around to look at it. The
others, sans SEBASTIAN, can't believe their bad luck.
COP: Kneel, voters. You are under sentence of death. (To SEBASTIAN in
the shadows) Come out of the shadows, voter.
SEBASTIAN walks forward, arms raised in surrender.
SEBASTIAN: What's the beef? Did she steal your lunch box?
The COP finally gets a look at who he's talking to.
COP: M-mm-many apologies, Voter Colonel. Had I known it was you...
He slowly lowers his gun, lowers his head, and clicks his heels in a
salute.
COP: Forgive me.
SEBASTIAN: You _know_ me?
COP: Of course, Voter Colonel.
SEBASTIAN: Who am I?
COP: You... are... Colonel Sebastian Doyle. Section chief of CGI. Head
of the Ministry of Alteration.
SEBASTIAN: Remind me a little. What do we do at the "Ministry of
Alteration?"
COP: You... _change_ people, sir.
SEBASTIAN: In what way?
COP: You change them from being _alive_ people, to being _dead_ people.
To purify democracy.
BILLY: Purify?!
COP: No one has done more to purge the ballot boxes than the Voter
Colonel.
DWANE: So, why has he been away for four years?
COP: (To SEBASTIAN) Excuse me, Voter Colonel, but is this some sort of
test?
SEBASTIAN: Answer him!
COP: The rumour was that you had grown weary of your glorious duties and
had gone away -- in secret -- to renew yourself.
The child, a little girl, leaves her hiding place and tries to run away.
COP: Halt!!
The COP raises his gun and fires a few shots, and then slumps to the
ground, revealing JAKE BULLET, a half-man with a weapon aimed right at
the spot where the COP used to be standing.
15 Int. Starbug rear section.
All of a sudden the view switches to an interior of Starbug, where
LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, and RIMMER are acting out their adventures in the
totalitarian state, unbeknownst to them. KRYTEN is holding a cross-bow.
KRYTEN: (Shocked) I killed him.
16 Ext. Totalitarian car park.
SEBASTIAN: Lets get out of here. In the car!
17 Int. Starbug rear section.
LISTER: Get in the car!
KRYTEN: I _killed_ him.
LISTER: We haven't got time for that, Kryten. In the car!
KRYTEN: I _killed_ a human!
RIMMER: In the car!
They all sit on boxes and trunks in Starbug. They are arranged 2x2 in a
car shape. LISTER is driving, KRYTEN is the "front-seat" passenger, and
CAT and RIMMER are in the "back seat."
RIMMER: Lookout! Fascist cops by the left and they are armed!
RIMMER: (To CAT) You're hit!
The CAT grabs his "injured" right arm.
HOLLY: Hello! For the 3000th time, you're hallucinating! Can anyone
hear me?!
RIMMER: Uh oh, speed bumps!
They hit the imaginary speed bumps by LISTER and KRYTEN bouncing up
first, followed immediately by CAT and RIMMER. They bounce up a second
and third time over more bumps.
RIMMER: Chicane!
They swing left, right, and left again on their boxes.
RIMMER: Look out -- the barrier.
LISTER: Brace yourselves! We're going through it!
They crash the barrier, with much bouncing around.
RIMMER: (Looking back) Motorcycles! Looks like they're carrying personal
rocket launchers!
LISTER: That bridge -- think we can make it?
RIMMER: It's raising!
LISTER: Got any better ideas?
CAT: Let's do it!
LISTER grabs an imaginary stick shift and goes down a gear. He slams the
"pedal" to the floor. They sway back from the acceleration's "G-force."
The car hits the bridge and takes off.
ALL: Woooooo..........oooo...oooooo......aaaagh.
They hit the other side, are shaken about, but are OK.
CAT: We made it! Nice driving. (Turning around) So long suckers!
RIMMER: (Looking up out the window) Uh oh! Helicopters!
LISTER: Oh, I'm going to have to dump the limo.
LISTER swerves around a bit, and brings the "limo" to a hasty stop.
LISTER: OK, come on! Go! Go!! Go!!
They all get out and begin running around the crates except for CAT, who
sits for a little while holding his "wounded" arm. After looking around
franticly for a moment, he also manages to open his "door" and gets out
to join in the running.
CAT: Down that alley!
18 Ext. Totalitarian state. Alley.
Back in the hallucination scene they run down an alleyway and come to a
halt by a flashing neon sign of a burger bar. Most of the group is
looking back to see if there is any pursuit, but not JAKE.
JAKE: I killed him. I killed a human.
JAKE puts his gun to his own head. He pulls the trigger. Click! It
doesn't go off.
JAKE: Damn!
SEBASTIAN: (Noticing JAKE) What are you doing?
JAKE: It is fundamental to me never to take a life, no matter what the
provocation. I could have stunned him. I killed him. I must
terminate myself.
JAKE ejects the clip from his gun, examines it, and re-inserts it. He
kicks a bullet into the chamber.
BILLY: This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with
a murderer and a mass murderer and a man in a {Brie Nidel} shirt. A
flotsam, jetsam, human wreckage, sputum bag who smells like a yak
latrine. And now my best flashing mac' is about to be splattered with
an android's brain. (To JAKE) I'm after you with the gun.
SEBASTIAN: (Voice breaking) Yeah, count me in to.
DWANE: Ditto.
JAKE: But there's only one bullet left!
DWANE: Ah, we could put our heads together and the bullet could go down
the line.
They all get close together with their heads in a line. JAKE holds the
gun to his head.
19 Int. Starbug rear section.
KRYTEN is holding the cross-bow loaded with a bolt against his head as
the group stands in line waiting to be killed.
HOLLY: Kryten, I'm broadcasting on a higher frequency. Can you hear me
now?!
KRYTEN: Did somebody say something?
HOLLY: You're hallucinating! Put the gun down!
KRYTEN: I think I'm going to put the gun down.
HOLLY: Walk forward three paces!
20 Ext. Totalitarian alley.
JAKE: I think I'm going to walk forward three paces.
BILLY: Well, he's cracking up.
JAKE: I've a strange compulsion to pick up this fire extinguisher and
twist the release wheel.
21 Int. Starbug rear section.
RIMMER: Have you quite finished being strange?
KRYTEN has a cannister of Lithium Carbonate in his hands. He puts it
back down.
22 Ext. Totalitarian alley.
JAKE: I'm sorry, sir. I don't know what came over me.
They all put their heads together again, gun at the ready.
JAKE: OK?
SEBASTIAN: OK.
HOLLY: (VO) You're hallucinating!
The group of misfits looks startled.
23 Int. Starbug rear section.
HOLLY: You're hallucinating!
The group appears to be snapping out of it.
LISTER: What?!
HOLLY: I though you weren't going to make it! Welcome Back to Reality!
LISTER: What happened?
HOLLY: You had a group hallucination! Brought on by the ink from the
despair squid. You were about to commit suicide, just like the crew of
the Esperanto, until the mood-stabilizer saved you.
RIMMER: The Lithium Carbonate!
LISTER: What? We would have really killed ourselves?!
KRYTEN: Of course! The hallucinations were designed to induce despair!
To attack the very things we each consider quintessential to our self-
esteem.
Take Mr. Rimmer: Back there he could no longer blame his failings and
shortcomings on his parents because he shared an upbringing with you,
sir, (Indicating LISTER) his richer, more important, half-brother.
The Cat lost his "Cool" and life for him no longer had any meaning
because he is so mind-meltingly shallow.
CAT: That's right, superficial _is_ my middle name.
KRYTEN: (To LISTER) And you, sir. You have always prided yourself on
being a good man; a man of moral courage. So, when you thought you
were a mass-murdering butcher in a totalitarian state: despair.
Despair destined to drive you over the edge.
LISTER: (To KRYTEN) And with you it was taking a human life.
KRYTEN: Precisely.
CAT: (Happily) I'm not Dwane Dibbley?
KRYTEN: No.
RIMMER: (Disappointed) I _am_ Rimmer.
KRYTEN: (Sadly) I'm afraid so.
LISTER: So, what happened to the Despair Squid?
HOLLY: I took care of that! Limpet mines -- there's enough fried
Calamari out there to feed the whole of Italy.
CAT: Well, I say lets get out of here.
HOLLY: Flight coordinates programmed. Switching to pilot cooperation
until we hit the surface.
LISTER: Those planet engineers really screwed up in a big way here,
didn't they? Playing god. The evolutionary process threw up a life
force so much stronger and more deadly than any other species -- damn
near wiped out everything on the entire planet. Spreading despair and
destruction wherever it stuck its ugly mush.
KRYTEN: Hmm, that sounds rather reminiscent of a species sitting not a
million miles away from me now. Ha ha ha! (He laughs alone.)
KRYTEN: You probably have to be a mechanoid to fully appreciate that one.
RIMMER: Kryten, no one likes a smart-alec android. Hit the retros.
KRYTEN: We're on our way, sir.
24 Model shot.
Starbug lifts off the ocean floor and heads off.
Credits:
Rimmer Chris Barrie
Lister Craig Charles
Holly Hattie Hayridge
Cat Danny John-Jules
Kryten Robert Llewellyn
Andy Timothy Spall
Cop Lenny Von Dohlan
New Kochanski Anastasia Hille
Nurse Marie McCarthy
New Lister John Sharian
Associate Producer Julian Scott
SSS Esperanto Director Juliet May
Director Grant Naylor
Producer Hilary Bevan Jones
Executive Producers Rob Grant
Doug Naylor
Music Howard Goodall
Casting Jane Davies
Production Accountant Joanna Birkinshaw
Unit Manager Irene Gibbons
Video Effects Bruce Steele
Jez Gibson
Production Team Nichol Hoye
Mairead Curtin
Camera Supervisor Rocket
Vision Mixer Simon Sanders
Vision Supervisor Mike Spencer
Insert Editor Peter Bates
Gaffer Ron Green
Consol Operator Dai Thomas
Property Master Mark Hedges
Properties Buyer Stella McIntyre
Technical Manager Jeff Jeffery
Videotape Editor Graham Hutchings
Stage Manager Kerry Waddell
Production Assistant Christine Moses
Costume Design Howard Burden
Gill Shaw
Make Up Design Andria Pennell
Nina Gan
Visual Effects Design Peter Wragg
Mike Turner
Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes
Jem Whippey
Lighting Director John Pomphrey
Production Design Mel Bibby
Stephen Bradshaw
Red Dwarf V (C) BBC TV MCMXCII
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-49456294702691378672012-11-01T09:36:00.000-07:002012-11-01T09:36:04.681-07:00Season 5 Episode 5 - Demons and Angels<pre> RED DWARF Series V Episode 5, "Demons and Angels"
1 Int. Red Dwarf's science lab.
LISTER uses forceps to remove a strawberry from a miniature stasis field.
LISTER: Amazing! The last strawberry in the universe!
He puts it on the middle pad of the three on the unusual apparatus on the
bench.
KRYTEN: Calibrator: locked and set. Organic infrastructure: recorded
and stored. Engage the triplicator.
A white light engulfs the strawberry. Simultaneously, the two other pads
are illuminated, and a strawberry appears on each one.
LISTER: It works!
RIMMER walks in.
RIMMER: What works?
KRYTEN: We've adapted the matter paddle. Only now, the returning signal
is split three ways, so as well as receiving the original object we
also get two identical copies.
LISTER: This is gonna solve all our supply problems.
KRYTEN: Taking into account the computations for recalibration I think we
can produce four, perhaps even five strawberries a week!
RIMMER: (Quite unimpressed) Well, I don't know if the Nobel Prize people
run a fruit section, but if they do you've got to be this year's hot
tip. Gentlemen, history beckons! You'll be famous. They'll build
your statues. They'll even name towns after you. "Dorksville" springs
instantly to mind.
LISTER: This machine could revolutionise our lives!
RIMMER: Absolutely. With this little baby running at full pelt, I
confidently predict we could have a full fruit salad by the end of the
year.
LISTER: Look, it's not just strawberries! This machine could duplicate
anything.
He picks up one of the copies and takes a bite
LISTER: It can--
He suddenly stops, surprised and delighted.
KRYTEN: Sir, what's wrong?
LISTER: This strawberry's incredible! So succulent! It's divine!
He tries the other duplicate.
RIMMER: Is that the same?
LISTER: (Screwing up his face) Oh, no, no.
RIMMER: How's it different?
LISTER: Bitter. Rancid.
He puts the strawberry down and we see maggots wriggle out of it.
KRYTEN: Sir, can I, uh...
LISTER: Kind of tangy.
KRYTEN: Sir, I...
LISTER: Crunchy.
KRYTEN: Sir!
LISTER: Tangy. Kind of chewy. Meaty even. With a kind of wriggly
texture...
He stops, looks down at the strawberry and notices the maggots.
LISTER: Oh! Smeg!
KRYTEN: It's as if the triplicator has extracted all the very best
elements out of one duplicate and all the very worst out of the other.
LISTER: So what would happen if we reversed the process?
KRYTEN presses some buttons. The science lab explodes. Chaos ensues,
with sparks and smaller sub-explosions erupting from various keyboard.
LISTER runs around the room, typing on any convenient keyboards. It
grows slightly less frenetic in a fury of fizzling.
RIMMER: Nice experiment, guys. What do you do for an encore? Neutron
bomb juggling?
The alert sirens begin "Ahwooga"ing in the background. HOLLY appears on
viewscreen.
HOLLY: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my
voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my
database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: This is
_not_ a daffodil!
RIMMER: Well, thankfully Holly's unaffected.
KRYTEN: The engine core is approaching critical mass! We'll have
meltdown in less than fifteen minutes!
RIMMER: Er, I think a brisk stroll in the direction of the cargo bay
could be an outstanding career move at this point.
LISTER: What are you saying? Red Dwarf's gonna blow?
KRYTEN: In less time than it takes a Norwegian to buy ski-boots!
CAT enters.
CAT: Hey guys, I think they're playing our tune, the Ahwooga Waltz!
Anyone care to join me in a quickstep?
They all bustle out of the lab.
2 Model shot. Cargo bay.
Starbug lifts off, amid fountains of sparks. It shoots down the cargo
bay toward the door.
3 Int. Starbug cockpit.
All four crew are here.
RIMMER: Holly, open cargo bay doors.
KRYTEN: Er, Holly, those cargo bay doors we talked about earlier -- would
you mind opening them, please?
LISTER: (Panicing) Holly! _The doors,_ Holly!!
HOLLY: The phrase "Cargo bay doors" does not appear to be in my lexicon.
LISTER: _Manual override_!
HOLLY: The phrase "Manual override"--
LISTER: Oh! Forget it!
They brace themselves.
4 Model shot. Red Dwarf.
With an explosion of cargo bay doors, Starbug makes its exit.
5 Model shot.
Starbug regains control, and streaks off.
6 Int. Starbug cockpit.
KRYTEN: That's eighty klicks. We should be clear of any possible blast
zone.
CAT: You really think it's gonna blow?
RIMMER: This can't be happening.
LISTER: Nothing's gonna happen. We're just here as a precaution. The
whole ship's full of fail-safes anyway. Cooling systems, containment
panels, vacuum shields. The actual chances of it blowing are about one
in--
7 Model shot.
Red Dwarf explodes, horrendously.
8 Int. Starbug cockpit.
The Boyz from the Dwarf are being shaken by shock waves.
LISTER: (Subdued) One.
9 Model shot.
The explosion continues.
10 Model shot.
We see Starbug turn and leave.
11 Int. Starbug rear.
KRYTEN enters from the cockpit.
KRYTEN: Well, according to the charts, the nearest asteroid with an S3
atmosphere is six hours away. The trouble is, we only have enough fuel
for five hours flight. I don't think that's going to prove to be a
_major_ problem, though, because we only have enough oxygen for seven
minutes.
RIMMER approaches KRYTEN, and turns his back to CAT and LISTER in the
process.
RIMMER: (Speaking out the corner of his mouth to KRYTEN) Well that
doesn't really affect _us_, does it?
KRYTEN: (Also speaking out the corner of his mouth) Sorry, sir?
RIMMER: We don't _need_ oxygen. Now here's a thought. If we ejected
their corpses into outer space, would the weight reduction allow us to
reach the asteroid?
He turns back to face the CAT and LISTER. He gives them a big smile.
LISTER: Come on Rimmer, that's not the attitude!
RIMMER: Sorry?
LISTER: That's not the Red Dwarf way! One in trouble, all in trouble!
CAT: The posse!
LISTER: The Boyz from the Dwarf!
He and KRYTEN do the "Boyz from the Dwarf" hands dangle. CAT joins in
late.
CAT: If one of us is in a fix, the home boys band together!
LISTER: That's the way it is!
RIMMER: Have you got anything in writing?
LISTER: You're a toad, Rimmer. You're a weasel. You're a slimy, river-
dwelling rodent with the morals of a praying mantis.
RIMMER: I'm just being a realist. Look, _you_ only have seven minutes
left to live. That's tragic. (With a strange smile) _God_, it's
tragic.
But for the rest of us, life must go on.
KRYTEN: If I may interject, sir. In _your_ case that's not exactly true.
Remember, you _are_ operating on emergency battery supplies. We have
no spares. In fact, you yourself, sir, will expire in a little under
_four_ minutes.
Pause as RIMMER digests this.
RIMMER: (Performing an exaggerated "Boyz from the Dwarf" hands dangle)
Okay, home boys, let's _posse_!
LISTER: Right. Kryten, get a radar scope -- scan the wreckage.
KRYTEN: Straight away, sir.
LISTER: Cat, get suited up. Maybe some oxygen tanks have survived.
Maybe some fuel tanks. Maybe we can get a fix and get out there, and
bring them on-board. Meanwhile, turn Rimmer down to minimum power.
That way it'll triple his running time.
RIMMER is about to say something, but is interrupted by a cry from the
cockpit.
KRYTEN: Sirs, there's something out there!
They rush forward.
12 Int. Starbug cockpit.
KRYTEN: Two objects, far too vast to be debris! According to the
backlog, they materialised just before the explosion.
LISTER: Can we get in any closer?
KRYTEN: Enhance maximum.
The viewscope gives successively better views. There are two large red
spacecraft out there, both labelled "Red Dwarf."
KRYTEN: Of course! The triplicator has made two copies of Red Dwarf!
LISTER: How?
KRYTEN: Well, presumably when I threw the triplicator into reverse, it
didn't reverse the _process_, it reversed the _field_ of the beam,
projecting it _out_, not _in_.
LISTER: So, instead of copying the strawberries, it copied the entire
ship?
KRYTEN: Precisely. And presumably the resultant power drain exposed the
engine's core and caused the original to blow.
RIMMER: So, like the strawberries, there are two new Red Dwarves: one,
succulent and divine, the other...
LISTER: Fish bait.
CAT: So what's the problem? We got us a _ship_! And from what you're
saying, it should be better than the original!
LISTER: Not quite.
KRYTEN: In the lab, the triplicated copies had a limited lifespan.
RIMMER: How limited?
LISTER: About an hour.
KRYTEN: Well, there may be a solution. The contents of the ship should
be triplicated too. So there will be a working triplicator on-board
whichever of the ships is the superior. You see, theoretically, we
should be able to reverse the reversal and replicate the original Red
Dwarf by amalgamating the two copies.
CAT: He makes it sound so simple!
13 Model shot.
Starbug approaches one of the Red Dwarves.
14 Model shot.
Starbug lands in the cargo bay.
15 Int. Starbug rear.
LISTER and CAT prepare to leave. KRYTEN carries a long extension cord.
RIMMER is fading in and out.
KRYTEN: We have to find a terminal to re-boost Mr. Rimmer's battery pack.
We'll catch you up.
LISTER and CAT exit.
16 Int. High Red Dwarf corridor.
CAT and LISTER enter a corridor, a long, white, gleamingly clean
corridor. Geometric patterns adorn the walls and ceiling. Heavenly
music is playing.
CAT: (Whispering) Check the music!
LISTER: It's magnificent!
CAT: I never heard anything like it before.
LISTER: (Inhales deeply) Oooo! Get a lungful of that air, man!
CAT: Mmmm! Makes you feel good to be alive!
LISTER: Everything about this ship is ... well, it's divine!
They approach a vending machine.
LISTER: Hey, let's check the food!
He presses some buttons and the machine dispenses a cup.
CAT: What did you order?
LISTER: Ultimate test: Pot Noodle.
They both try it. They both close their eyes and sigh in ecstasy.
LISTER: I tell you one thing: I've been to a parallel universe, I've
seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets, and I've
given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste
an edible Pot Noodle.
They taste another spoonful, but are interrupted by...
HIGH CAT: Brothers, we bid you welcome.
...the arrival of the HIGH CAT and the HIGH LISTER. They look much like
their "normal" counterparts, but are wearing long white robes. On their
foreheads are geometric symbols of some metallic material.
HIGH LISTER: There must be much you do not understand. Come.
They turn and go. CAT and LISTER follow.
CAT: (to HIGH CAT) You're me, but you're not me!
HIGH CAT: I am part of you; your higher self; your spiritual side. I
exist in you as potential, but now I'm here -- extrapolated from your
being.
CAT: Extrapo-what-alated? Buddy, there is no way you're a part of me.
No part of me would ever be seen alive in sandals!
HIGH CAT: I find clothes a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and
intellectual fulfillment.
CAT: That's weird, because I find spiritual and intellectual fulfillment
a distraction from the pursuit of clothes!
HIGH LISTER: Let us join our friends in the meditation chamber. Perhaps
then we can spend a profitable evening seeking out answers to the
metaphysical conundra which have plagued mankind since time began.
LISTER: (Sarcasticly) Sounds wild!
CAT: (Less than eagerly) Hold me back.
17 Int. The Meditation Chamber.
It looks much like the Science Lab on the original Red Dwarf, but
cleaner, with less obtrusive equipment and nicer decor. KRYTEN sits
behind a bench, adjusting a piece of apparatus. RIMMER listens to the
HIGH KRYTEN and HIGH RIMMER. The HIGH KRYTEN is gleaming bright, and
wears white robes. The HIGH RIMMER also wears white robes, and the "H"
on his forehead appears to be made out of highly-polished chromium.
HIGH RIMMER: Philosophy, poetry, music, and study. That is how we spend
our time. Trying to expand our minds and unlock our full potential in
the service of humankind.
RIMMER: What a pair of losers!
LISTER and CAT enter. LISTER is still holding his divine Pot Noodle.
HIGH KRYTEN: Ah, more visitors! (To HIGH RIMMER) Come, soul-sibling, let
us prepare some refreshments.
HIGH RIMMER: May your path lead to wisdom, and in wisdom, know ye peace.
They bow and leave, doing a strange dance as they go.
CAT: These guys are supposed to be part of us? I don't buy it.
KRYTEN: These are our higher selves. They are the people we could have
become if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed.
RIMMER: You mean hippies.
KRYTEN: With respect, sir, you think Jesus was a hippy.
RIMMER: Well, he was. He had long hair; he didn't have a job. What more
do you want?
LISTER is getting stuck into his Pot Noodle.
LISTER: How come they're so much _smarter_ than we are?
KRYTEN: This is my guess: your mind records everything -- everything you
see, hear, every word you read, every conversation -- it's all stored
in your subconscious. Somehow our higher selves have access to that
knowledge.
CAT: Look, I'm getting itchy feet here. You got the gizmo, let's scram
before the Mad Monk Brothers rope us into an evening of philosophical
musings and self-flagellation.
KRYTEN: It's not quite that simple. This triplicator has only half the
vital components. We need the second triplicator from the Low ship.
A triangle sounds. The HIGH KRYTEN and HIGH LISTER appear in the
doorway; the KRYTEN with the triangle, the LISTER with a futuristic lyre.
They bow to each other, then to their audience.
HIGH KRYTEN: Let the entertainment begin. There will be haiku readings,
poetry recitals, and musings on the inner soul. But first, music and
dance.
He tings the triangle. The HIGH RIMMER dances in, ham-acting pain.
HIGH KRYTEN: Brother Rimmer is portraying Agony.
HIGH LISTER: The Agony of the soul that searches out the Truth. The
Truth danced by Brother Cat.
The HIGH CAT appears in the doorway. He approaches the HIGH RIMMER, who
is now on his knees, and juggles three silk handkerchiefs over the HIGH
RIMMER's head.
HIGH KRYTEN: But the Truth is elusive.
HIGH LISTER: It flits like a firefly through the cold night of the soul.
Teasing, confusing.
HIGH KRYTEN: And Agony, in torment, searches forever in vain.
This is exactly what the HIGH RIMMER is overacting in his dance: he
"seeks" the HIGH CAT, with his back to him, as the HIGH CAT prances just
out of his reach. Their audience doesn't seem to know quite how to take
the performance.
A musical tone sounds, and the HIGH HOLLY appears on a wall monitor. She
looks like the normal HOLLY, but wears a nun's habit and wimple.
HIGH HOLLY: Brothers, I am compelled to intrude.
HIGH KRYTEN: What is it, sister?
HIGH HOLLY: I am receiving a weak but plaintive distress call from a ship
which appears to be identical to our own.
HIGH LISTER: Then we must help them. With haste, brothers.
The HIGH LISTER and HIGH KRYTEN bow to the others and leave. KRYTEN
packs the triplicator as they follow.
18 Model shot.
Starbug takes off, flies out the cargo bay doorway.
19 Model shot.
Starbug approaches the other Red Dwarf.
LISTER: (VO) Approach pattern plotted. We're gonna just take her in nice
and easy.
20 Model shot.
The Starbug lands in the cargo bay of the Low Red Dwarf. The door opens.
21 Int. Low Red Dwarf Cargo Bay.
The lights in this Red Dwarf fluctuate and die. The two crews leave
Starbug. The Boyz are carrying bazookoids.
LISTER: Okay, keep 'em peeled, guys.
All eight characters move into the dingy, dirty corridors. Packing
crates litter the cargo bay, and the only light comes from the occasional
lantern.
22 Int. Junction.
A junction of two corridors between the packing crates. LISTER goes
first, then the HIGH CAT. RIMMER leaps into the junction with a karate-
style jump, hurting his foot. The HIGH KRYTEN brings up the rear.
HIGH KRYTEN: Welcome, brothers! We bring food and medical supplies!
A shot rings out. It hits him on the left shoulder
HIGH KRYTEN: (To the others) Poor devil, his gun must have gone off
accidentally. (Calls down the cross-corridor) Welcome, my children.
We bring you balms and tinctures!
Two more shots hit him on the right shoulder and the left abdomen,
respectively. RIMMER, safe behind the crates, ducks.
HIGH KRYTEN: We would be pleased to sing you healing hymns!
Two more shots -- the HIGH KRYTEN falls.
LISTER: Is he dead?
RIMMER: We can only hope.
LISTER, keeping low, enters the corridor and drags the HIGH KRYTEN to
safety behind some crates.
HIGH KRYTEN: The poor wretch. He has a faulty gun. He has accidentally
shot me five times. Oh, how I love him!
The HIGH CAT, with no precautions, enters the corridor and addresses the
unseen gunman.
HIGH CAT: Brother, there is a grievous fault in thine weapon. It keepeth
shooting people.
A bullet hits him in the right side of the chest. The HIGH CAT points to
the wound
HIGH CAT: You see? There it goes again!
A grenade rolls toward him. There doesn't seem to be a pin in it. In
fact, it is fizzing rather nastily.
HIGH CAT: What is this?
The HIGH KRYTEN walks up to it, and picks it up.
HIGH KRYTEN: It's a greeting gift! Sparkling, welcome orb. Come, let us
embrace its splendid beauty and share in its vibrations.
LISTER and RIMMER see the grenade and run.
HIGH KRYTEN: It's exquisite; divine. What does it say to you, brother?
GRENADE: BOOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOOM!
The blast flings LISTER into a crate, knocking him unconscious. RIMMER
finds a convenient crate and hides behind it.
LISTER awakens to face the wrong end of a bazookoid. The _right_ end of
the bazookoid is held by a man wearing a full cowboy outfit: heavy,
spurred boots, black hat, an Eastwood-style cigar stub, a dark beard, and
a patch over his left eye. It's the LOW LISTER. He spits in LISTER's
face and giggles annoyingly, revealing silver eye-teeth. He fires, but
LISTER manages to roll to avoid the shot. He fires again, still
giggling, but LISTER again rolls out of the line of fire, gets to his
feet, and flees.
LISTER runs down a ladder and along the corridor. Down the cross-
corridor is a figure leaning over two bodies -- it's the LOW CAT, eating
the remains of the HIGH CAT and the HIGH KRYTEN. He sees LISTER and
grins, blood smeared over his face. His fangs reach the base of his chin
and his eyebrows are locked in a perpetual frown. LISTER runs on.
A maze later, he slows and leans back against a crate to catch his
breath. With a crash, two hands break out through the crate walls and
begin throttling him. He breaks free, flinging himself headfirst into a
nearby steel drum. He gets up rapidly and flees. The owner of the
hands, the LOW KRYTEN, a twitching, oil-stained version of the mechanoid,
breaks the rest of the crate to shards.
LISTER hides behind a crate. Two cowboy boots track him. Silence.
LISTER: (Whispering) Rimmer? Rimmer? Rimmer?
The boots stop, then change direction and close in on him.
LISTER: (Whispering, urgent now, checking behind nearby crates) Rimmer?
Rimmer?
Behind him, a figure struts down the ladder and asks:
LOW RIMMER: Looking for someone?
LISTER turns to face the figure on the ladder. It wears stockings (with
garters), a studded leather collar, an ornate earring in its right ear
with a chain leading to a sleeper in its right nostril, and a fur stole.
It is barely recognisable as the LOW RIMMER, his forehead "H" at a forty-
five degree angle as though having fallen between his eyebrows.
LISTER: Holy smeg!
LOW RIMMER: Hello, my pretty.
LISTER: What do you want with me?
LOW RIMMER: I want to hurt you.
LISTER: Why?
LOW RIMMER: Because I'm not a very nice person.
The LOW RIMMER produces an iridescent blue whip-like object, and lashes
LISTER with it. LISTER clutches at his head where the lash struck him.
LISTER: A holo-whip!
LOW RIMMER: I'm going to lash you to within an inch of your life. And
then I'm going to have you.
Again, he lashes LISTER, who collapses. With several hollow, demonic
laughs, the four Lows surround LISTER and LISTER passes out.
23 Int. Low Red Dwarf. Another corridor.
KRYTEN: Sirs, we're running short of time. We have less than twenty
minutes to find the second triplicator and set it up. I suggest we
divide our efforts.
HIGH RIMMER: A sage suggestion, brother.
HIGH LISTER: Perhaps I should go with Brother Cat?
CAT: You haven't got a weapon!
HIGH RIMMER: We have no need of weapons, feline brother. We wear
protective herbs.
CAT: I'm going with Bot-Brain.
He goes off with KRYTEN.
HIGH LISTER: As you wish, brother.
The HIGH RIMMER indicates that the HIGH LISTER is to go first. He does
so, with a slight nod.
HIGH LISTER: Thank you, friend.
24 Int. Drive room.
LISTER is strapped to a large table and the four Lows surround him. The
LOW HOLLY appears on the viewscreen. Her hair is jet-black, and she
resembles a biker's moll.
LOW HOLLY: It is ready.
LOW LISTER: Put it in his spine.
He holds up a small, multi-pointed object, which the LOW KRYTEN takes and
inserts into the base of LISTER's neck.
LOW KRYTEN: Wake up! You don't want to miss the pain! Can you feel the
needles as they burrow into your spine?
LISTER: (Half-awake now) You guys are two ladders short of an elopement.
What are you after?
LOW HOLLY: We want your vessel.
LOW CAT: Nothing works here, man.
LOW KRYTEN: Everything is in decay.
LOW RIMMER: And here is how we're going to get it.
The LOW KRYTEN walks around the table, undoing LISTER's straps.
LISTER: I can't move!
LOW HOLLY: Of course not! He hasn't turned you on yet.
LOW KRYTEN: (To the LOW LISTER) Show him.
The LOW LISTER holds up a remote control and telescopes the aerial. At
the touch of a button, LISTER finds himself sitting up and turning to the
left. The LOW LISTER presses another button and LISTER's hands clap.
LOW RIMMER: He applauds our efforts!
LOW CAT: Maybe he'd like to go for a little walk.
LISTER: (Worried) Game over now, eh? Game over!
LOW KRYTEN: I wonder what's in that supply cabinet?
LISTER is stood up, thanks to the remote control, and robotically walked
over to the cabinet. His hand opens the door, and closes it hard on his
nose. He groans with pain. The Lows all laugh. LISTER is walked over
to a steaming kettle, and his hands pick it up.
LISTER: Oh no! No!
LOW KRYTEN: I wonder if he'd like a drink to calm him down?
LISTER: No!
LISTER is sat down. He braces himself for the inevitable, but still
mouths wordlessly when his hand pours boiling water over his crotch.
LOW LISTER: Whoops!
The LOW CAT takes the kettle and presses it to the side of his own face,
generating sizzling sounds. The Lows cackle again.
LOW KRYTEN: Perhaps he'd like something to eat. (More cackling as LISTER
stands) Yes!
LISTER is walked to a counter and dropped to his knees. He is thus
brought face to face with a large tarantula in a glass case. His
expression progresses from worried to panicked.
LISTER: Ugh -- you guys have _got_ to be yanking my chain!
His left hand removes the lid, and grabs the tarantula.
LOW KRYTEN: Bon appetit.
LISTER's right hand holds his mouth open as his left shoves the live
tarantula into it. He gags and screams, as best he can. The tarantula
eventually goes down.
LOW LISTER: Welcome to our team.
LISTER: _No way_ are you part of me.
LOW KRYTEN: Oh, yes he is. He's the little boy who used to pull the legs
off insects. He's the little boy who, on a hot summer's day, held a
magnifying glass to his best friend's neck and watched him burn.
LOW RIMMER: He's the part of you who wants all your friends to fail.
LOW CAT: The part of you that loves to watch horror movies.
LOW LISTER: The part of you that lusts after meaningless sex.
LOW RIMMER: He's cruel! He's selfish! He thinks terrible things.
LOW KRYTEN: He's _you_.
LISTER: Ah, but he, he kills. I'm not capable of that.
LOW KRYTEN: We'll soon see about that.
The LOW KRYTEN places a piece of adhesive tape over LISTER's mouth.
25 Int. Science lab or equivalent on this ship.
It's grimy, with junk scattered about and dirty clothes strewn around the
room. CAT and KRYTEN enter, each toting a bazookoid. CAT fans his nose
to try to force away the worst of the stench.
CAT: Phew!
CAT moves to the video player.
CAT: Nice movie collection. "Revenge of the Mutant Splat Gore Monster."
"Die Screaming with Sharp Things in your Head."
KRYTEN: Gore movies. Weapons magazines. This place is a shrine to
everything that's low and base. Everything that's designed to sicken
the soul and shrivel the spirit.
KRYTEN opens the fridge
KRYTEN: Urg! Toastie Toppers. Ugh! Cinema hot dogs. Ogh! Sweaty
kebabs with stringy brown lettuce coming out! Ogh!
KRYTEN slams the fridge closed, with disgust. CAT holds up some CDs.
CAT: Look at this music! "Hammond Heaven!" "Karaoke Krazy!" "Peter
Perfect Plays Tuneful Tunes for Elderly Ladies!" Let's get outta here!
KRYTEN: Oh, wait -- here it is! (He sweeps aside the worst of the junk
sitting on top of the box he wants) Clearly, they have no idea as to
its purpose.
CAT: How long do we have?
KRYTEN: Barely eight minutes, sir.
KRYTEN takes the box and leaves. CAT picks up both their bazookoids and
follows.
26 Int. A corridor elsewhere on the Low Red Dwarf.
HIGH LISTER: Have I told you today how much I love thee, brother? How
much my heart glimmers like a newborn star when I gaze upon thine
beauteous countenance?
HIGH RIMMER: Thy love refreshes and cleanses me like a babbling mountain
stream, brother.
LISTER appears at the end of the corridor. He is still gagged, and his
right hand, behind him, holds a wicked looking knife. He approaches the
High duo.
LISTER: Mmmmph! Mmmmph!
HIGH RIMMER: Hist, yonder: your likeness, brother.
27 Int. Drive room.
The Lows are clustered around the LOW LISTER, who sits before a visual
display. The display shows what LISTER can see. The LOW LISTER controls
a joystick.
28 Int. Corridor.
Back to LISTER, the HIGH RIMMER, and the HIGH LISTER.
LISTER: Mmmmmmgohahmmmmmmfgh!
LISTER's right hand produces the knife.
HIGH RIMMER: A knife! Are you hungry, brother?
HIGH LISTER: I have some pulses and a little curd for your refreshment.
LISTER's eyes bulge. He helplessly watches his own hand slash downward
with the knife, giving the HIGH LISTER two enormous gashes down the left
shoulder
HIGH LISTER: Forgive me, brother. I appear to have stained thy knife-end
with my blood. A thousand apologies.
The HIGH LISTER collapses.
HIGH RIMMER: Brother, permit me to furnish you with a fresh knife.
LISTER's left hand reaches into the HIGH RIMMER and squeezes his light-
bee. The HIGH RIMMER looks pained, and begins to fade.
HIGH RIMMER: Farewell, brother, my brook is babbled.
LISTER's left hand crushes the light-bee and the HIGH RIMMER disappears.
29 Int. Drive room.
The Lows are enjoying the show immensely. The LOW KRYTEN head-butts the
LOW CAT.
30 Int. Corridor.
Back to LISTER. His hands again flourish the knife, and his body moves
on.
31 Int. Low Red Dwarf. Near the cargo bay.
KRYTEN is fine-tuning the triplicator. The CAT, toting a bazookoid,
enters with RIMMER.
CAT: I found Goalpost-Head. No sign of Dormouse-Cheeks, though.
KRYTEN: Sir, we were so worried. What happened?
RIMMER: We were ambushed by a platoon of Lows. I was leading a valiant
rearguard action.
CAT: I found him shivering in a box.
RIMMER: It was tactical maneouvre to outfox the enemy.
CAT: As was using his uniform as a temporary latrine.
KRYTEN: Sir, where is Mr. Lister?
RIMMER: We got jumped and he ran off through the storage bay like a
gazelle on steroids. We'll just have to leave him.
KRYTEN: Within four minutes this ship will no longer exist!
CAT: Hey, there he is!
LISTER approaches from the other corridor. He is still wearing his gag,
and his right hand is hidden behind him.
LISTER: Mmmmph! Mmmph!
CAT: What took you so long, buddy?
LISTER: Mmmmph mmmph.
The CAT pulls off the tape over LISTER's mouth.
CAT: What?
LISTER: Look out!
LISTER's right hand appears from behind him. It wields a fire axe.
LISTER: I'm gonna kill ya!
The axe is brought crashing forward -- and becomes stuck in the lintel of
the door, cutting a cable and sending sparks flying. LISTER's arms try
to free the axe
LISTER: I'm a homicidal maniac! My body's being remote-controlled by the
Lows.
The fire axe is freed, and LISTER's body is walked up to KRYTEN.
LISTER: Kryten, look out!
His hands bash KRYTEN on the forehead with the axe handle.
LISTER: You gotta stop me!
The axe handle swats KRYTEN aside with a blow to the side of his neck.
LISTER's hands drop the fire axe and his body marches toward the CAT.
RIMMER: Shoot him!
LISTER's hands start to throttle the CAT. The CAT tries to remove
LISTER's hands from his throat, but fails.
LISTER: _What_?
RIMMER: Blow his kneecaps off, it's the only way!
LISTER: Give me a break, Rimmer!
RIMMER: He's a homicidal maniac, put him down!
LISTER: There must be some other way! You've got to incapacitate me
somehow!
RIMMER: There, Kryten! Hit him over the head with that axe!
LISTER: That'll kill me!
RIMMER: Not if he does it gently! (To KRYTEN) Come on, he's killing the
Cat!
KRYTEN: (Totally paralysed with indecision) Ooh, what can I do?
LISTER: Incapacitate me in a _painless_ way!
With a hearty, meaty THWACK, the CAT incapacitates him with his knee, in
a way that doesn't seem particularly painless. LISTER's eyes bulge, his
mouth goes slack, and he releases the CAT.
LISTER: (Manages to croak out) That was unnecessary!
CAT: "Unnecessary?" Look what you've done to my neckline. This stuff
never springs back!
LISTER: Oh my God, I think I'm going for the bazookoid!
Indeed he is. KRYTEN, wisely, hides behind a desk. The CAT hides behind
the desk and KRYTEN. RIMMER, of course, hides behind the desk, KRYTEN
_and_ the CAT.
LISTER: _Duck_!
They do. His shot passes over their heads. Click-clack as the next shot
passes into the chamber of the bazookoid.
LISTER: _Left_!
They duck left, just as his shot whizzes to their right. Once again, the
bazookoid click-clacks, loading the next shot into its chamber.
LISTER: _Right_!
They duck right, as the shot from the bazookoid passes through the space
previously occupied by their heads. LISTER's body struggles with the
bazookoid.
LISTER: I'm trying to reload! Someone get behind me!
KRYTEN moves to the side, behind some pillars, and moves around to get
behind LISTER.
KRYTEN: I'm going to come around behind you now, sir.
LISTER: Okay, Kryten, take me by surprise!
KRYTEN: I'm coming around behind you to take you by surprise, sir.
LISTER: Get on with it, surprise me!
KRYTEN is now behind LISTER. He sprays three squirts from a spraygun
onto a rag in his left hand.
KRYTEN: You may get an unpleasant sensation of chloroform. Don't be
alarmed.
LISTER has reloaded and is aiming at the CAT.
LISTER: Surprise me now!
KRYTEN: Here comes my surprise, sir.
He chloroforms LISTER. LISTER struggles, then falls unconscious. The
CAT and RIMMER peep up from behind the desk. Then, when RIMMER is
satisfied that LISTER is out cold, he stands fully, puts on his "It's all
under control now" look, and dusts his hands.
RIMMER: Okay. How long before the triplicator activates?
KRYTEN: Less than two minutes.
They exit, toward the cargo bay.
32 Model shot.
Starbug sitting in the cargo bay.
33 Int. Starbug rear.
KRYTEN and the CAT lay out LISTER's unconscious body.
34 Int. Starbug cockpit.
RIMMER is standing in the cockpit while KRYTEN and CAT race in from the
back.
KRYTEN: Hurry!
They press keys, and Starbug makes whiney "I'm not going to start"
noises.
CAT: Damn! A flat battery! Who left the lights on?
KRYTEN: No, it's the magnetic coils. They've depolarised. It's as if
the decay on this ship is in some way contagious.
RIMMER: Thirty-five seconds.
KRYTEN: Try the backup.
Starbug makes more noises, but of a slightly more hopeful timbre.
RIMMER: Let's get out of here.
In the rear, LISTER awakens and sits up.
KRYTEN: Yep, all systems check.
35 Model shot.
Starbug takes off.
RIMMER: (VO)We're up, and looking good.
36 Model shot.
Starbug heads toward the cargo bay exit.
37 Int. Starbug cockpit.
LISTER is walked into the cockpit, his arms carrying a shovel. They
bring it down, twice, onto Starbug's console, causing more flashes of
light and sparks. LISTER's hands drop the shovel and start to throttle
the CAT.
CAT: Not again!
RIMMER: (To KRYTEN) Watch where you're steering!
38 Model shot.
Sure enough, Starbug is careering wildly down the exit corridor.
39 Int. Starbug cockpit.
RIMMER: Chloroform him!
KRYTEN, however, is struggling to pull LISTER off the CAT.
KRYTEN: Oh, wait! I think I've located the spinal implant!
KRYTEN pulls the implant out of LISTER's spine. At that same moment...
40 Model shot.
Starbug exits Red Dwarf, clipping the cargo bay doorway again.
41 Int. Starbug cockpit.
The bodies within the cockpit jostle.
KRYTEN: Where is it? I've lost it!
RIMMER: It's in his neck!
He is pointing at the CAT. The CAT looks up with a ferocious gleam in
his eyes, and starts to throttle the now-comatose LISTER. KRYTEN pulls
the implant from his neck and tosses it back into the rear.
42 Model shot.
Starbug gets clear of the Low Red Dwarf.
43 Model shot.
With the cry of an angelic choir the two Red Dwarves vanish, and one
appears.
44 Int. Starbug cockpit.
We see the original Red Dwarf on Starbug's viewscreen. Mix to HOLLY.
RIMMER: Holly's back!
KRYTEN begins awakening LISTER, who is out cold.
KRYTEN: Mr. Lister, wake up, sir. It's over. We're safe now.
HOLLY: Engaging autopilot. Course zero zero mark zero. Taking her home.
45 Model shot.
Starbug flies back toward the Red Dwarf.
46 Int. Starbug rear.
KRYTEN helps LISTER out of the cockpit. They are followed by an angry
CAT and a relieved RIMMER.
CAT: See what you did to my blouson? Look at it. Plus, you almost
killed me three times.
LISTER: Sorry, it wasn't my fault. Once you get one of them things in
you, you just can't--
He sits, and looks thoroughly shocked.
KRYTEN: Sir, what's wrong?
RIMMER: I think he just sat on the spinal implant.
KRYTEN: But it doesn't make sense! Who's controlling him?
For he is certainly being controlled. LISTER is stood up and walked
toward the CAT, yet again. The CAT lifts his bazookoid and fires... at
the cupboard, from which a faint and annoying giggle can be heard. A
very dead LOW LISTER falls out, still holding the remote control. LISTER
halts.
KRYTEN: I'd better remove the spinal implant and destroy it once and for
all.
CAT puts down his bazookoid, and picks up the remote control.
CAT: Uhuh, wait a minute. Just give me one week, that's all I ask.
LISTER: What are you talking about?
CAT twiddles the joysticks on the remote control, and LISTER's hands slap
LISTER's face. Once, twice, thrice.
CAT: Boy, this is gonna be fun!
Credits:
Rimmer Chris Barrie
Lister Craig Charles
Cat Danny John-Jules
Holly Hattie Hayridge
Kryten Robert Llewellyn
Associate Producer Julian Scott
Directors Juliet May
Grant Naylor
Producer Hilary Bevan Jones
Executive Producers Rob Grant
Doug Naylor
Music Howard Goodall
Casting Jane Davies
Production Accountant Joanna Birkinshaw
Unit Manager Irene Gibbons
Video Effects Bruce Steele
Jez Gibson
Production Team Nichol Hoye
Mairead Curtin
Camera Supervisor Rocket
Vision Mixer Simon Sanders
Vision Supervisor Mike Spencer
Gaffer Ron Green
Consol Operator Dai Thomas
Property Master Paul Purdy
Properties Buyer Stella McIntyre
Technical Manager Jeff Jeffery
Videotape Editors Graham Hutchings
Perry Widdowson
Stage Manager Kerry Waddell
Production Assistant Christine Moses
Costume Design Howard Burden
Gill Shaw
Make Up Design Andria Pennell
Nina Gan
Visual Effects Design Peter Wragg
James Davis
Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes
Lighting Director John Pomphrey
Production Design Mel Bibby
Stephen Bradshaw
Red Dwarf V (C) BBC TV MCMXCII
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-55654497514306550942012-11-01T09:34:00.004-07:002012-11-01T09:34:46.659-07:00Series 5 Episode 4 - Quarantine<pre>------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RED DWARF Series V Episode 4, "Quarantine"
1 Model shot.
Starbug has landed near an old base on a barren-looking planet. Blizzard
Conditions prevail.
2 Int. Starbug cockpit.
KRYTEN: Gravity 1.5. Wind 40 knots and variable. Coordinates locked and
set. Launch Scouter.
The CAT reaches for the release control.
RIMMER: Wait a minute. I'm in charge of security and surveillance on-
board this vessel. I, Mr. Kryten, am the one that says, "Launch
Scouter."
KRYTEN: I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to steal your thunder.
RIMMER: Launch Scouter.
Nobody does a thing. They all ignore RIMMER.
RIMMER: (Through gritted teeth) Launch Scouter.
They still all ignore him. Looking round the cockpit at things the way
you do when you are deliberately ignoring someone.
RIMMER: I'll be in the stern, correlating the ... in the stern.
KRYTEN: (Quietly, to the CAT) Would you be so good as to launch the
Scouter, please, sir.
CAT responds loudly, so that RIMMER will be able to hear him.
CAT: (Saluting) Aye Aye, _sir_! (Pulls release lever and salutes again.)
Scouter Launched, _sir_.
3 Model shot.
While the Scouter is traveling towards the apparently deserted base, we
see a view from its perspective with the following overlay:
*-------------------------------------------*
| RESOLTION: Low |
| LOC MODE: Auto |
| ENHANCE: Graphics |
| |
| PRESSURE: 10.90 |
| TEMPERATURE: Low |
| SENSOR: CCD |
*-------------------------------------------*
4 Int. Starbug Stern.
RIMMER is sulking. LISTER, KRYTEN and CAT enter from the cockpit.
KRYTEN: Sir, it appears we've encountered a scientific research centre.
LISTER: And there is someone in there, man -- a survivor.
KRYTEN: A Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom.
RIMMER: Clearly I am superfluous to this entire operation, ably commanded
as it is by a droid who was created purely to clean lavatories. So I
really don't know why you're telling me all this, Captain Bog-Bot.
LISTER: She's a hologram.
KRYTEN: I'm afraid we are going to have to commandeer your remote
projection unit in order to rescue her, sir.
RIMMER: Oh, I see. First of all I am deemed unsuitable to issue the
command, "Launch Scouter," and now I am being bundled into an escape
pod and relieved of my duties by Commander U-bend.
LISTER: Rimmer, why are you taking this so personal? It's the only way
to get her back to the ship.
RIMMER: Why do we need another hologram on-board?
KRYTEN: She's a doctor, sir. She would be a valuable asset to the team.
RIMMER: And as usual it is left to me to point out the fatal flaw in your
logic.
KRYTEN: Flaw?
RIMMER: This vessel, gentlemen and khazi droids, the crimson short one up
there, can only sustain one hologram, or had you forgotten?
LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN simply look at him.
RIMMER: You hadn't forgotten?
LISTER: Look, we could work something out. Some kind of "timeshare"
thing.
RIMMER: What d'you mean? What do you think I am, a holiday villa in the
Algarve?
KRYTEN: Sir, might I remind you, as Space Corps directive 169 quite
clearly states--
RIMMER: Holly, prepare an escape pod. Anything to save me from another
(KRYTEN voice) "Space Corps Directive."
KRYTEN: Sir, the Space Corps directives are there to protect us. They
are not a set of vindictive pronouncements directed against any one
person.
RIMMER: Has anyone _ever_ seen this legendary Space Corps directive
manual?
LISTER and CAT glance at one another, then back at RIMMER.
LISTER: Well, no.
RIMMER: He's making it up, isn't he? The bloody book doesn't exist.
KRYTEN: Sir, I assure you--
RIMMER: Why does he only ever use them against me? Why never against
Lister? Why do we never hear him quoting a Space Corps directive that
clearly states, "No crew-member should floss his teeth with the E-
string of his guitar after spraying the entire contents of his sugar
puff sandwich all over his superior's bunk?" We never hear that one, do
we?
KRYTEN: Holly, kindly furnish Mr. Rimmer with a hologrammatic copy of the
Space Corps directive manual.
RIMMER: (Tauntingly) Come on, where is it? (Holds out one hand, palm
upwards.)
It appears in RIMMER's hand. It is a fairly small A5 folio.
RIMMER: (Clearly not impressed) That's it?
KRYTEN: You should be able to study it at your leisure on your trip back
to Red Dwarf, sir.
RIMMER, beaten, turns to go. However, a thought occurs to him. He turns
and addresses KRYTEN.
RIMMER: You've changed, you know that?
KRYTEN: Changed?
RIMMER: They may not see it, but I do. I know what's going on, you've
become a really nasty piece of work.
KRYTEN: But sir, I was merely--
RIMMER: You're merely a mechanoid -- that's all you're "merely." Don't
ever forget it. (Turns and leaves.)
KRYTEN: What a smee... What a smee... What a smee Heeeeeeee.
[Cf RDIV/2: "Camille"]
5 Int. Science station.
It is moodily atmospheric, like the set of Aliens, but done on a BBC
budget with lots of smoke to disguise the fact that it is actually a
redressed version of several other sets.
LISTER: Dr. Lanstrom!
KRYTEN: Are you there Doctor?
They come across a vault type door. LISTER brushes the dust off the
door. As he goes down it, he exposes writing and pictures:
"VIRAL RESEARCH DEPT."
LISTER: Oh brutal!
"MOST GROSS DANGER" with a skull and cross-bones beside it.
"BIO-SUITS MUST BE WORN AT _ALL TIMES_" with a picture of a bio-suit and
a check-mark. There's also red triangular warning sign with the picture
inside it of a man vomiting at the same time as his guts are exploding
out of his body.
CAT: _Huh_?!
CAT and LISTER cover their mouths and noses with hankies.
KRYTEN: There is no need for alarm, sir. If there were any dangerous
viral strains in the atmosphere, the Psi-scan would have picked them up
by now.
KRYTEN shows them the scanner and then hits it on the side and shakes it
a bit.
KRYTEN: Hmmm, it's never done that before.
He turns away, wrestling with the device.
KRYTEN: Blasted stupid cheap damn stupid Martian power packs.
He throws a spent battery over one shoulder and inserts another.
CAT: (Worried) So what's the news?
KRYTEN: Well, if I could just beg your indulgence for a few seconds more,
sir, the old 345 takes a little time to warm up. (He gives it another
shake.) Still, it out-performs the 346 in 8 out of 9 bench tests. A
small wonder, then, that it secured "Psi-scan of the Year, Best Budget
Model" three years running. Now here are the results. And we're going
to ... live.
LISTER: (Sighs) We're a real Mickey Mouse operation aren't we?
CAT: Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!
They move off, searching for LANSTROM.
KRYTEN finds a dust-covered metal suitcase.
KRYTEN: Extraordinary!
He opens it up. The interior is filled with BBC special effects white
smoke. Peeking through the smoke is a row of test-tubes.
KRYTEN: Incredible!
He lifts one of the tubes out of the suitcase and puts it in a satchel
he's carrying.
LISTER: (Off-camera) Hey, look at this!
LISTER and CAT are examining a row of 2-meter high metal cylinders set
against a wall. KRYTEN joins them.
LISTER: Anesthesis stasis pods!
He fiddles with a near-by control panel. One of the pods slides out from
the wall and begins to open.
LISTER: I must have triggered something.
KRYTEN: Doctor? Doctor Lanstrom?
The open pod pours forth smoke, but they they can't see anything inside
yet.
LANSTROM: (_Very_ heavy German accent) And whom might you be?
LISTER: Hi. We were just passing. We heard the beacon.
LANSTROM: Schopenhauer was right, wouldn't you say? Life without pain
has no meaning. Gentlemen I wish to give your lives meaning.
LANSTROM sits up in the stasis pod. A howl emanates from her. Her eyes
glow a fluorescent red colour and electrical bolts emerge from them aimed
at LISTER, KRYTEN, and CAT.
LISTER: Why can't we ever meet anyone nice?
CAT: Why don't we ever meet anyone who can shoot straight?
6 Model shot.
Starbug is still sitting in the snow.
7 Int. Starbug.
RIMMER is talking to HOLLY.
RIMMER: I'm telling you, Kryten is taking over, slowly but surely.
Remember how he used to be in the early days? A gibbering wreck,
completely un-assertive, no self confidence, plagued by guilt, and
convinced he was fourth rate. I really liked him then.
HOLLY: Escape pod checked and standing by.
RIMMER: Well, check it again.
HOLLY: I've done three complete checks -- it's ready to launch.
RIMMER: Right, I'm going.
He exits through the door to the escape pod and then pops right back in.
RIMMER: What really gets me, is the way he thinks he can order me about.
Well, he who lives by the rule book, dies by the rule book.
The radio crackles into life. It's LISTER, and he sounds scared.
LISTER: (Slightly garbled) If you can hear us, it's me! Listen now,
Lanstrom's got some holo-virus. She's totally barking!
RIMMER: Listy?
LISTER: (Still garbled) We need backup, man, we need it bad and we need
it now!
RIMMER: Everything OK?
LISTER: What, can't you hear me?!
RIMMER: (Lying through his teeth) I'm sorry, Lister, you're very faint.
KRYTEN: Dr. Lanstrom has contracted some sort of mutated holo-plague and
is in a fearful psychopathic fury.
RIMMER: Marvellous! I'm sure she'll be a valuable asset to the team.
KRYTEN: Sir, I'm going to change frequency. Can you hear me now?
A bolt of Hex-Lightning hits the radio. LISTER and KRYTEN run, dropping
the now red-hot radio as they go. LANSTROM picks it up telekinetically
and talks into it, hands free.
LANSTROM: Hello. My name is Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom and I am quite, quite
mad.
RIMMER: Are you really? How absolutely splendid.
LANSTROM: I have a riddle for you. What's dead and dead and dead all
over?
RIMMER: I give in, Dr. Fruit-Loop, _do_ tell me.
LANSTROM: Yooooooouuuuuuu!!!
The radio blows up. A bolt of lightning passes from the explosion to
RIMMER.
RIMMER: Well we know what to get you for Christmas: a double lobotomy
and 10 rolls of rubber wallpaper.
(To HOLLY) Holly, I really must be making tracks. Keep me up to date
as to any further developments, will you?
8 Model shot.
The escape pod is seen returning to Red Dwarf.
9 Int. Science station.
Meanwhile, in that spooky complex, our intrepid trio are sneaking about
trying to avoid LANSTROM.
LISTER: Where _is_ she?
KRYTEN: It appears she's toying with us, sir.
LISTER: What kind of disease is it that gives her Hex Vision?
KRYTEN: Clearly some kind of psi-virus, sir. It appears to stimulate the
dormant psychic areas of the brain which, up till now, human-kind has
been unable to harness.
A pair of eyes -- LANSTROM's eyes -- appear, overlaid on the screen while
KRYTEN is talking. She is using telepathy to locate them.
KRYTEN: Unfortunately it requires so much energy it drains the victim's
life-force.
LISTER: That's why she was in the Stasis Pod?
KRYTEN: Precisely. Lanstrom was preserving what little lifespan remains
her.
LISTER: Well, if she is running out of time, maybe we could just give her
the run-around?
LANSTROM can now be seen moving stealthily through some pipes in the
background.
KRYTEN: Theoretically a sound notion, sir. Unfortunately--
LANSTROM: Unfortunately, she has already found you. Twinkle twinkle
little eye, now it's time for you to die.
Her Hex Vision comes on. Abruptly, she runs out of energy and disappears
with a loud scream. She has finally been destroyed by the virus.
KRYTEN: Poor woman. Destroyed by her own genius.
CAT: Genius?
KRYTEN: Oh, yes. From what little I've seen of her research here, before
the holo-virus she had a quite remarkable mind. If I'm right, the
fruits of her work should live on. (He indicates the satchel he's
carrying.)
10 Model shot.
Starbug in space.
11 Int. Starbug Stern.
On the way back to Red Dwarf, KRYTEN and CAT are peering in a microscope
when LISTER comes in from the cockpit.
LISTER: Anything?
KRYTEN: Quite extraordinary. Lanstrom postulated that there are two
kinds of virus. Positive and negative. The negative we already know
about.
LISTER: Yeah, like the flu, rabies, that kind of stuff.
KRYTEN: But she also believed that there are _positive_ viral strains
which actually make human beings feel better.
CAT: Such as?
KRYTEN: Well, at a very basic level she predicted a kind of "reverse flu"
-- a strain of virus which promotes an unaccountable feeling of well-
being and happiness.
LISTER: That's happened to me! Me life's been turned to complete and
utter crud, and I've woken up in the morning feeling good for no
apparent reason!
KRYTEN: The chances are, sir, that on those occasions you had unwittingly
contracted Lanstrom's virus. According to her notes, twentieth-century
DJs suffered from it all the time.
CAT: So what's in the tubes?
KRYTEN: Lanstrom claims to have isolated several strains of positive
virus: inspiration, charisma, sexual magnetism--
CAT: Sexual magnetism is a virus? Then get me to a hospital, I'm a
terminal case!
While CAT and KRYTEN aren't looking, LISTER puts that tube in an inside
pocket.
KRYTEN: This one is the most intriguing of all. According to her notes,
this is the viral strain Felicitus Populi, commonly known as "luck."
LISTER: (Disbelieving) Luck is a virus?
KRYTEN: A positive virus which most humans contract at some point in
their lives for very short periods. And here it is: Lady Luck in
liquid form. Want to try some?
LISTER: Is it safe?
KRYTEN: Absolutely harmless. Even so, this is a minute dose and will
only last about three minutes.
LISTER shrugs, then holds his dreadlocks and collar out of the way as
KRYTEN injects him.
KRYTEN: Now, I want you to pick out all the aces from this pack of cards.
LISTER: Shuffle them?
KRYTEN: Mmm hmm.
LISTER shuffles the deck, then picks all the aces. As he does so, KRYTEN
calls out the odds against his just-completed act.
KRYTEN: 13 to 1. 221 to 1. 5525 to 1. 270725 to 1!
KRYTEN, inspired, decides on a yet more challenging experiment.
KRYTEN: Sir, I want you to throw this dart over here into that bulls eye
behind you using your left hand, without looking.
LISTER: What, using my left hand? Into the Bulls-eye? Without looking?
No chance.
KRYTEN: Trust me, sir.
LISTER, still shaking his head, takes up throwing position.
CAT: You ready?
LISTER throws the dart. There is a dull thunk.
KRYTEN: Ahh. I think that indicates the luck virus has worn off.
KRYTEN turns round and we see the dart is embedded into the back of his
head.
HOLLY: When you're quite finished, chaps, we've got a bit of a problem
with the cargo bay doors.
LISTER: What sort of problem?
HOLLY: They won't open. Rimmer's put in an override.
HOLLY's face disappears from the screen, to be replaced by that of
RIMMER.
RIMMER: Welcome home gentlemen! If you would like to proceed to the aft,
you'll find the landing lights on in bay 47.
LISTER: Bay 47? That's quarantine!
RIMMER: Spot on.
KRYTEN: But sir, I've screened us all: we're clean.
RIMMER: Well, much as I trust a viral screening conducted by an automated
toilet attendant, I really must draw your attention to Space Corps
directive 595.
CAT: For cryin' out loud!
RIMMER: I have no intention of contracting the hologrammatic equivalent
of foaming dog fever. So gentlemen, if you'd all like to proceed to
Quarantine Room 152 where you will be spending the next three months.
12 Model shot.
Starbug lands in bay 47.
13 Int. Quarantine Room 152.
KRYTEN, LISTER and CAT enter, looking positively disgusted.
KRYTEN: Twelve weeks. I have a deep, dark sense of foreboding about
this.
LISTER: Aw c'mon, we'll get through it.
KRYTEN: This is single quarters! One chair, one bed, one shower.
LISTER: We'll manage!
KRYTEN: Sir, it's a scientific fact that the human male needs to spend
time by himself!
LISTER: It is?
KRYTEN: Yes! The most popular pastimes have always been ones that males
can enjoy alone: angling, golf, and of course the all time number one.
CAT: It's not just humans! Look what happens when two male tigers are
locked up together! One of them winds up on the other guy's toothpick!
KRYTEN: Lions, tigers, scorpions, rats, even vultures when they're in
captivity.
LISTER: What are you saying to me? Vultures need personal space? They
need like time alone if they're to put their feet up and read "What
Carcass Magazine?"
KRYTEN: Sir, I think you're downplaying the gravity of the situation.
LISTER: Look, what difference does it make? We hang out most of the time
together anyway.
CAT: Yeah, but we all knew we could stroll out the door at anytime. Not
now, though.
RIMMER appears on the other side of the darkened observation window which
takes up one whole wall of the quarantine room.
RIMMER: Welcome to quarantine, lads. I hope the next 84 days pass as
swiftly and as pleasantly as the 100-years war.
KRYTEN: Sir, I must protest. You only supplied us with single-berth
accommodation!
RIMMER: Space Corps directive 597 clearly states "One berth per
registered crew member." And as Listy is the only registered crew
member, 1 berth is all you get.
CAT: Don't rise to him.
KRYTEN: What about entertainment? You are obliged to provide us with
minimum leisure facilities. Games, literature, hobby activities,
motion pictures.
RIMMER: And in accordance with Space Corps directive 312, you'll find in
the storage cupboard over there a chess set with 31 missing pieces, a
knitting magazine with a pull-out special on crocheted hats, a puzzle
magazine with all the crosswords completed and a video of the excellent
cinematic treat, "Wall-papering, Painting, and Stipling -- a DIY
guide."
CAT: Don't rise to him.
RIMMER: And fulfilling all Space Corps dietary requirements, dinner
tonight, gentlemen, will consist of sprout soup, followed by sprout
salad, and for desert -- I think you'll like it, rather unusual --
sprout crumble.
LISTER: Rimmer, you know damn well sprouts make me chuck.
RIMMER: Well, this is awful. I've got you down for sprouts almost every
meal. (Shaking his head no) I tell a lie. It _is_ every meal.
LISTER: How long are you going to keep this up for, Rimmer?
RIMMER: Keep what up? I'm merely executing Space Corps Directive 595!
Anyway, must dash-erooni. I've got to organise your daily provision of
musical entertainment. I think you're going to like it: It's a
perpetually-looped tape of "Reggie Dixon's Tango Treats."
CAT: OK! Time to rise to him. Let me out of here! I'll kill him!
KRYTEN and LISTER restrain him as RIMMER vanishes.
LISTER: Listen, guys, he wants us to get on each other's nerves; go
through twelve weeks of hell. Well, we're not gonna give him the
satisfaction, OK? Cos the entire time we're here, we're not gonna have
one single argument, not a raised voice or a cross word. Not one angry
exchange. (To KRYTEN) OK? (To CAT) OK?
They each nod in agreement.
LISTER: Boys from the Dwarf.
They do that "hangin' loose" thingy with their hands.
14 Int. Quarantine Room 152. Five days later.
LISTER has his back turned to the camera, filling out a time chart. As
he turns, we see that he has a black eye. He glares at CAT, who is
sitting disconsolately on the edge of the room's single bunk. CAT has a
plaster across his nose plaster cast and sling on one arm. KRYTEN enters
through a door marked "SHOWER DE-CON." He is feeling the shape of his
head.
KRYTEN: Urg. I think that's straight now. Two hours it's taken me to
panel-beat my head back into shape. (Leans close to CAT, who ignores
him.) Two damn hours!
LISTER: Guys! Just take it easy!
He is siting down at the table which is covered in half-finished
crocheted hats. LISTER picks one up and tries it on.
CAT: If he tells me to "take it easy" one more time, I swear I'm gonna
turn his ears into a pair of maraccas and tap-dance a fandango on his
throat!
LISTER: I'm just sayin', there's 79 more days to go.
KRYTEN: And if you still want to be alive when there is only 78 more days
to go, I suggest you do not blow your nose.
LISTER: Do you mind if I ask why?
KRYTEN: Well, let's forego the noise and the revolting burbling sound,
and go straight to the really gross part, when you always, and I mean
always, having blown your nose have to open up your handkerchief and
take a look at the contents. I mean, why? What do you expect to see
in there? A Turner seascape, perhaps? The face of the Madonna? An
undiscovered Shakespearian sonnet?
LISTER: Rimmer was right about you -- you _have_ changed. (Stands up and
walks over to KRYTEN.) You're getting tetchy.
KRYTEN: Oh no, now don't call me "tetchy." You know what happens when you
call me "tetchy."
LISTER: Well I'm calling you it now. That's exactly what I'm calling
you. Tetchy! Tetchy! Tetchy!
KRYTEN has covered both ears with his hands during this spiel.
KRYTEN: Just as well I can't hear you. It's just as well I can't hear
you calling me "tetchy." You know what happens when you call me
"tetchy."
LISTER grabs the marker and writes "TETCHY" in large letters across the
time chart. He then lifts the 4' by 3' board off the wall and shows it
to KRYTEN.
KRYTEN: Oh no. Oh now, didn't I tell you? Didn't I _warn_ you what
would happen?!
KRYTEN picks up one of the videos.
LISTER: No.
KRYTEN: Yes.
LISTER: _No_!
KRYTEN: I'm putting it on.
LISTER: Don't put it on.
KRYTEN: I'm putting it on.
CAT: (Worried) He's putting it on.
KRYTEN: Here I go.
CAT: (Nervous) There he goes!
LISTER: Kryten, if you put that on, I'm not gonna help you out. I'm not
helping you again, not this time.
KRYTEN: You think I need _your_ help? You think I can't extract my own
head from the waste disposal unit?
CAT: It won't be the waste disposal, Frankenstein. This time I'm gonna
unscrew your neck-bolts and microwave your head!
KRYTEN: Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster. It's a common
misconception, held by all truly stupid people.
CAT: (Standing up) Don't correct me. You know how much I hate being
corrected. It really gets my feckles up!
He crosses to KRYTEN and stands nose-to-nose with him.
KRYTEN: It's "hackles," you moron. It really get's your _hackles_ up.
There's no such word as "feckles!"
CAT: Feckles, heckles, hackles, schmeckles. Whatever the hell they are,
they're up right now and pointed at you, buddy!
KRYTEN: Yeah?
CAT: Yeah!
LISTER: (Intervening) Guys, guys! Look at us, what's happened to us?
Five days on a sprout diet with a wall-papering video and a crochet
magazine. We've all turned into crazies!
KRYTEN: Just don't call me "tetchy" and don't blow your nose.
CAT: And don't play that video and don't correct me.
KRYTEN: OK.
CAT: OK.
LISTER: OK. (Siting down) We're going to get through this.
KRYTEN and CAT: (Together) And don't say that we're going to get through
this!!
KRYTEN: That stupid, chirpy optimism; that inane winsome grin.
LISTER: (Grinning inanely) This is insane! We've been in here 5 days.
There's no sign of any virus. We're _clean_!
KRYTEN: That's it -- 5 days! We've got him! Space Corps Directive 699
-- we can demand a rescreening!
CAT: He'll refuse.
KRYTEN: He can't! He's playing by the book! We've _nailed_ him!
RIMMER: (Voice only, sounding oddly strained) Gentlemen. Your
conversation makes interesting listening.
LISTER: RIMMER, is that you?
RIMMER: Oh, yes.
LISTER: 'Ow long have you been listening?
RIMMER: Two, maybe three hours.
LISTER: Well, no one's got any disease, man.
CAT: We're clean.
KRYTEN: You have to re-screen us, sir, as per Directive 699.
LISTER: No one's got any virus and no one's smeggin' nuts!
RIMMER: Well, that's good.
The observation window depolarises, revealing RIMMER. He is NOT in
uniform.
RIMMER: Is something amiss?
LISTER: (Slight quaver in him voice) Amiss? God no, what could possibly
be amiss?
RIMMER: You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing
a red and white checked gingham dress and army boots and you think
that's un-amiss?
CAT: No, of course not. It's just that we thought you had gone nuts! We
were tryin' to humour you.
RIMMER: I was just doing a little test -- a little test to see if you had
gone crazy.
He abruptly tenses and lets out a horrible yell.
RIMMER: CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! If there is one thing I can't stand it's
crazy people.
LISTER: Well we've passed the test, Rimmer. You can let us out.
RIMMER: I can't let you out.
LISTER: Why not?
RIMMER: Because the King of the Potato People won't let me. I begged
him. I got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here.
Keep you here for ten years.
CAT: Could we see him?
RIMMER: See who?
CAT: The King.
RIMMER: Do you have a magic carpet?
LISTER: Yeah, a little three-seater.
RIMMER: So, let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet
to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your
freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?! I think that
warrants 2 hours of W.O.O.
LISTER: What's W.O.O?
CAT: You had to ask.
RIMMER: With ... out ... oxygen. No oxygen for 2 hours. That will teach
you to be bread baskets.
He disappears.
LISTER: What do we do?
CAT: I think our only hope's the Potato King.
LISTER: How the hell did he get the holo-virus?
KRYTEN: It can be transmitted over radio waves. He must have spoken to
Lanstrom at some point. I predict we have approximately seven minutes
before the air in here becomes unbreathable.
CAT: Well, we gotta get out of here somehow!
LISTER: It's impossible. That's the whole point of Quarantine.
(Examining the door frame) Nothing gets out; nothing gets in. Not even
a microbe. Kryten, any chance of you cracking the code on the door
lock?
KRYTEN: The chances of punching in the correct combination are literally
billions (Realization strikes) ...to one!
LISTER: (Sharing the same idea) Unless...
KRYTEN: Of course!
LISTER: The luck virus!
They cross to the bench and KRYTEN picks up the hypo-gun, still loaded
with the cannister of Felicitus Populi.
CAT: Hey, you really think that stuff can get us out of here?
KRYTEN: If I give Mr. Lister a suitably large dose, he will temporarily
become the luckiest human being who ever lived.
KRYTEN presses the injector to LISTER's neck.
LISTER: (Crossing to the door) OK, then, what do I do?
KRYTEN: Well, you just press in whatever numbers you think are best.
LISTER: OK.
He hits several keys on the door combination keypad. He stands back.
The door doesn't open.
LISTER: (Exasperated) Ssss--
KRYTEN: Last digit, sir.
LISTER presses one last button. The door opens. He grins at the others
and they exit, LISTER doing that "Boys from the Dwarf" thingy again.
CAT: So, what now?
KRYTEN: We head for the hologram projection suite, before Mr. Rimmer--
RIMMER: (Behind them) "Before Mr. Rimmer" what?
They turn and face him. RIMMER is still wearing the gingham dress.
Abruptly, he raises his right hand. He is wearing a glove puppet -- a
cute furry penguin.
RIMMER: They've been naughty boys, haven't they, Mr. Flibble?
RIMMER looks at the penguin and supplies the voice, doing a rather bad
ventriloquist routine.
FLIBBLE: Yes.
RIMMER: What happens to naughty boys who've been naughty, Mr. Flibble?
FLIBBLE: Uncle Arnie fries them alive with his Hex Vision.
RIMMER: That's right, Mr. Flibble.
As RIMMER's eyes glow bright red, the others, who know by now exactly
what's coming, run for their lives. They are pursued by several hex-
bolts, which barely miss them and cause several explosions along the
corridor walls.
15 Model shot.
The view of the Red Dwarf indicates the passage of time.
16 Int. A cargo Room.
The fleeing group runs around a corner.
KRYTEN: This way!
Finding some drums and junk, then decide to duck down and hide.
KRYTEN: The holo-virus is in it's secondary stage. Mr. Rimmer can't have
long to live.
As KRYTEN speaks, RIMMER's telepathic eyes appear overlaid on-screen.
LISTER: What is he capable of?
On the wall behind them is a glass-fronted fire cabinet containing a
large axe. The lock on the cabinet flips open.
KRYTEN: Well, we've seen hex vision. Almost certainly, like Lanstrom,
he'll be capable of telepathy and possibly even telekinesis.
CAT: Tele-kiny-what-a-noose?
The glass cover of the cabinet swings open. The axe begins to twitch.
KRYTEN: The ability to move objects purely by the power of the mind.
The axe flies from the cabinet, narrowly missing CAT and LISTER and
slamming into KRYTEN's back.
LISTER: Kryten, man, are you OK?
KRYTEN: I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That
sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.
LISTER pulls the fire axe out of KRYTEN's spine, at which point it is
yanked from his hands and thrown across the room. KRYTEN starts
twitching, and is pulled to a nearby pillar, talking nonsense as he goes.
KRYTEN: Hihi-hidi-hidi-whurdidjid. Two and one-half badgers, please!
Hi-yi-yi-yi-yi! (He bashes his head against the pillar.) No, I'll eat
them here. Whap! An-dingling! Wha-hoo-hoo! An-da-an-shoo-an-shoo.
(He head-butts the pillar again.) Ah, that's better. Maybe now I can
WIN SELF-DETERMINATION FOR THE SOUTH MOLDAVIAN PEOPLE! Nick-noo-nick-
noo-nick-ank (Once again, he assaults the pillar with his head.) Ah, I
think I'm OK now.
The door dissolves in front of RIMMER and he steps through the hole.
RIMMER: Mr. Flibble's very cross. You shouldn't have ran away from him.
What are we going to to with them, Mr. Flibble?
Mr. FLIBBLE whispers something in RIMMER's ear.
RIMMER: We can't _possibly_ do that! Who would clear up the mess?
Mr. FLIBBLE gets the Hex Vision. Our three, bold heroes run for it.
17 Int. Corridor.
They are backing slowly down a corridor, watching out for RIMMER.
KRYTEN: We need to use your luck, sir.
LISTER: How?
KRYTEN: What we really need is some kind of remote link to the hologram
disk projection system.
LISTER: What, like this one?
He picks up a box with "remote projection" written on the side.
CAT: What a stroke of luck!
KRYTEN: Now what we need is a hexangonal power transfer adapter capable
of holding spikes of up to 5 million volts.
LISTER: (Tripping over it) What's this?
KRYTEN: Extraordinary. Now all we need is a B47/7RF resistor.
LISTER holds one up between his fingers.
CAT: Look out!
Mr. FLIBBLE pokes round the corner at about head height. He is followed
by RIMMER.
RIMMER: Mr. Flibble says:
FLIBBLE: Game over, boys.
RIMMER and Mr. FLIBBLE start to use their "Hex Vision" but KRYTEN manages
to switch on the just-completed remote hologram unit before RIMMER can
fire -- he falls to the ground. Mr. FLIBBLE twitches spasmodically for
several seconds then keels over, dead. RIMMER's uniform reappears and
Mr. FLIBBLE vanishes.
KRYTEN: I think he's going to be OK, sir.
LISTER: He's gonna be OK? (KRYTEN nods yes.) The luck virus must have
worn off.
18 Int. Quarantine.
RIMMER wakes up on a hospital bed.
LISTER: (VO) Rimmer? You OK?
RIMMER: What happened to me? Where am I?
CAT: (VO) Quarantine!
The observation window depolarises, revealing CAT, LISTER, and KRYTEN
dressed in red and white checked gingham dresses, matching bonnets,
pigtails and army boots.
KRYTEN: But don't worry.
LISTER: We're here to entertain ya!
LISTER squawks like a chicken and flaps his arms as KRYTEN does a jig and
CAT pulls a face.
Credits:
Rimmer Chris Barrie
Lister Craig Charles
Holly Hattie Hayridge
Cat Danny John-Jules
Kryten Robert Llewellyn
Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom Maggie Steed
Directed Grant Naylor
Produced Hilary Bevan-Jones
Executive Production Rob Grant
Doug Naylor
Associate Producer Julian Scott
Director Juliet May
Producer Hilary Bevan Jones
Executive Producers Rob Grant
Doug Naylor
Music Howard Goodall
Casting Jane Davies
Production Accountant Joanna Birkinshaw
Unit Manager Irene Gibbons
Video Effects Bruce Steele
Jez Gibson
Production Team Nichol Hoye
Mairead Curtin
Camera Supervisor Rocket
Vision Mixer Simon Sanders
Vision Supervisor Mike Spencer
Gaffer Ron Green
Consol Operator Dai Thomas
Property Master Paul Purdy
Properties Buyer Stella McIntyre
Technical Manager Jeff Jeffery
Videotape Editor Graham Hutchings
Stage Manager Kerry Waddell
Production Assistant Christine Moses
Costume Design Howard Burden
Gill Shaw
Make Up Design Andria Pennell
Belinda Parresh
Visual Effects Design Peter Wragg
Paul McGuinness
Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes
Lighting Director John Pomphrey
Production Design Mel Bibby
Stephen Bradshaw
Red Dwarf V (C) BBC TV MCMXCII
</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7130812451745926892.post-58374567302699493052012-11-01T09:33:00.003-07:002012-11-01T09:33:28.922-07:00Season 5 Episode 3 - Terrorform<pre> RED DWARF Series V Episode 3, "Terrorform"
1 Ext. Crash site. Night.
Fires are burning. KRYTEN is trapped in some wreckage. He's injured,
with one eye dangling from some wires to his eye socket, his left arm
mangled, etc.
2 KRYTEN's View. Static.
Words and lettering are superimposed over the static:
MODEL: KRYTEN (C) DIVADROID
SERIES: 4000 INT. 2340
*-------------------------------------------*
| ERROR FINDING SERVER................ |
| ERROR FINDING SERVER................ |
| ERROR FINDING SERVER................ |
| ERROR FINDING SERVER................ |
| ERROR FINDING SERVER................ |
| ERROR FINDING SERVER................ |
| |
| NO PANACEA |
*-------------------------------------------*
CPU: Remain calm Kryten. This is your CPU speaking. There has been an
accident. Both your legs have been crushed beyond repair.
MODEL: KRYTEN (C) DIVADROID
SERIES: 4000 INT. 2340
*-------------------------------------------*
| DAMAGE ASSESSMENT: |
| |
| OVERVIEW: 72% |
| OPTICALS: 35% |
| AMBULATION: 100% |
| SCANNING................... |
| |
| CONDITION: MAUVE |
*-------------------------------------------*
CPU: Your ambulatory system has been destroyed, and your life expectancy
is currently estimated at 67 minutes.
MODEL: KRYTEN (C) DIVADROID
SERIES: 4000 INT. 2340
*-------------------------------------------*
| POSSIBLE RESPONSES: |
| |
| REFER TO QUALIFIED SERVICE PERSONNEL. |
| LIMITED FRONT LINE REPAIR ROUTINE: |
| CANNIBALISE AND RECONFIGURE, |
| CHECK TRADE-IN PRICE AGAINST A SERIES 5000|
| MODEL. |
| |
| CONDITION: MAUVE |
*-------------------------------------------*
CPU: If there is any further news we will keep you updated. In the
meantime, here is a little music.
Light muzak plays and KRYTEN goes offline.
MODEL: KRYTEN (C) DIVADROID
SERIES: 4000 INT. 2340
*-------------------------------------------*
| |
| |
| OFFLINE |
| |
| |
*-------------------------------------------*
CPU: Your auto-repair systems are now able to restore visuals.
3 The Crash Site. Later.
We see KRYTEN half buried under the remains of Starbug, talking into a
small microphone.
KRYTEN: Kryten personal blackbox recording. Time: unknown. Location:
unknown. Cause of accident: unknown. Should someone find this
recording perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here.
My short term memory has been erased. This I ascribe to the proximity
of the magnetic coils from Starbug's rear engine.
He pauses to look around a bit.
KRYTEN: Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short-
term memory appears to have been erased. This, combined with the
erasure of my short-term memory, has has left me a little disoriented,
disoriented, disoriented.
A reminder visual flashes in front of his eyes:
MODEL: KRYTEN (C) DIVADROID
SERIES: 4000 INT. 2340
*-------------------------------------------*
| POSSIBLE RESPONSES: |
| |
| REFER TO QUALIFIED SERVICE PERSONNEL. |
| LIMITED FRONT LINE REPAIR ROUTINE: |
| CANNIBALISE AND RECONFIGURE, |
| CHECK TRADE-IN PRICE AGAINST A SERIES 5000|
| MODEL. |
| STOCHASTC ANALYSIS |
| FUEL TANKS WILL XPLODE |
| 67 |
| MINS |
| OUTLOOK: OBLITERATIVE |
*-------------------------------------------*
KRYTEN: 67 minutes!! I'd better get out of here!
MODEL: KRYTEN (C) DIVADROID
SERIES: 4000 INT. 2340
*-------------------------------------------*
| DAMAGE ASSESSMENT: |
| |
| OVERVIEW: 80% |
| OPTICALS: 35% |
| AMBULATION: 100% |
| SCANNING........... |
| |
| REMEDIAL ACTION REQUIRED |
| |
| CONDITION: MAGENTA |
*-------------------------------------------*
KRYTEN tries to lift the metal beam that covers him but fails. He pauses
to think.
KRYTEN: Of course.
KRYTEN takes a torch cutter and cuts off his damaged left hand.
Whistling, he takes the hand, places it on his chest, removes his
dangling right eye and places it on the middle finger.
KRYTEN: Can you hear me?
The hand "nods".
KRYTEN: Find an ore sample pod. There should be plenty strewn around the
crash site. Initiate the homing procedure and bring help. OK? Good
Luck boy. Go on.
The hand crawls off his chest and KRYTEN waves goodbye.
4 SFX Shot.
From KRYTEN's POV we see the hand crawl away over the remains of Starbug,
then KRYTEN returns offline.
5 Model Shot.
Shot of pod flying towards Red Dwarf.
6 SFX Shot. Int. Red Dwarf.
The hand is trundling down a corridor.
7 Int. Red Dwarf Drive Room.
A sleepy LISTER enters, wearing a robe.
LISTER: OK. I'm here... What's the beef?
HOLLY: We've got a visitor.
LISTER: What?
HOLLY: A pod arrived about 20 minutes ago. Something was in it, but it's
broken free.
LISTER: Any ideas?
HOLLY: Well, I don't want to spread any panic or alarm.
LISTER: Whaddya mean, you don't wanna spread panic and alarm?
HOLLY: Well, you've always had this thing against tarantulas, haven't
you?
LISTER: (Worried) Tarantulas?
HOLLY: I mean that you've never been overly fond of them as a species,
have you?
LISTER: Well, no.
HOLLY: And the prospect of waking up and finding one crawling over your
clammy, naked, helpless body has always filled you with a kind of cold
dread?
LISTER: Well, yeah. Wotya trying to say to me, Holly?
HOLLY: I'm saying it might not be your night. Look at this. This is the
best shot the security cameras could get.
Shot of the hand crawling up a corridor.
LISTER: Where is it now?
HOLLY: We lost it.
LISTER: What does Kryten think?
HOLLY: Kryten's off moon-hopping with Rimmer. Radio link's down. I'll
keep trying.
The hand crawls into the drive room and obviously starts using LISTER's
leg as a ladder. LISTER tenses up. The CAT wanders in.
CAT: So what's the problem? Hey, you OK? You look tense.
LISTER: (Typing) > HELP
> Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a taranshula
CAT: You're playing that dumb adventure game.
LISTER: > It's in my boxers. It's making a nest
CAT: Then buy a potion from Gandalf, the master wizard. That's what I
usually do.
LISTER: > I'm SERIOUS.
CAT looks down, then looks up again, a rather tense expression on his
face.
CAT: (Typing also) > It has an eye the size of a meatball
LISTER: > Kill it
CAT: > How?
LISTER: > I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye the
size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me.
CAT: > I'm scared
LISTER: > YOU'RE scared. How d'you think I feel?
CAT: > You haven't SEEN it!!
LISTER: > The lower half of my body has gone numb.
CAT: > That's probably for the best.
LISTER: > It's moving
> Oh *#%^**!!!!
KRYTEN's hand climbs up onto the desk and goes to the computer terminal.
HAND: (Typing) > Hello.
> Kryten in danger. No time to explain. Follow.
The hand crawls off. LISTER and the CAT exchange relieved looks.
8 Model Shot.
Starbug flying through space.
9 Crash Site.
As seen through KRYTEN's eyes. LISTER is leaning over him, concerned.
LISTER: Kryten man, take it easy. I'm gonna getcha out of there.
KRYTEN: My legs, I can't feel them.
LISTER: Yeah, they're trapped under this stanchion. I'm gonna have to
cut you in two.
KRYTEN: Begging your pardon, sir?
MODEL: KRYTEN (C) DIVADROID
SERIES: 4000 INT. 2340
*-------------------------------------------*
| DAMAGE ASSESSMENT: |
| 72% |
| |
| |
| |
| CONDITION: TAUPE |
*-------------------------------------------*
LISTER: Kryten, man. Keep still. I'm trying to draw a line here. I
don't want it to go all wonky. I want as much of you as possible.
MODEL: KRYTEN (C) DIVADROID
SERIES: 4000 INT. 2340
*-------------------------------------------*
| DAMAGE ASSESSMENT: |
| 72% |
| |
| |
| |
| CONDITION: MARIGOLD |
*-------------------------------------------*
KRYTEN sees LISTER light a welder's torch and lower a visor over his
head.
MODEL: KRYTEN (C) DIVADROID
SERIES: 4000 INT. 2340
*-------------------------------------------*
| DAMAGE ASSESSMENT: |
| 72% |
| |
| |
| |
| CONDITION: HELIOTROPE |
*-------------------------------------------*
KRYTEN: Sir, a couple of brief points. Firstly, you are not a qualified
service engineer and consequently sawing me in two will invalidate my
guarantee. Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a can of sardines
that was already open.
LISTER hits him with a hammer and KRYTEN display goes blank.
10 Int. Starbug Mid-section.
We see the CAT's face through KRYTEN's eyes.
MODEL: KRYTEN (C) DIVADROID
SERIES: 4000 INT. 2340
*-------------------------------------------*
| DAMAGE ASSESSMENT: |
| 27% |
| |
| |
| |
| CONDITION: TANGERINE |
*-------------------------------------------*
CAT: Oops. You're right. He really isn't dead. I owe you twenty.
Cut to show scene from more normal perspective: KRYTEN is lying on a
couple crates. LISTER slides out from underneath him (between the
crates) just like a car mechanic.
LISTER: Kryten, you OK?
KRYTEN: (Twisting his fixed left arm) I think so, sir.
LISTER: There's a few bits and bobs left over, but it's always the same
when you try a bit of do-it-yourself, isn't it?
KRYTEN: Where's Mr. Rimmer?
CAT: We were just gonna ask you that.
With a grunt LISTER and CAT lift KRYTEN to his feet.
LISTER: What happened?
KRYTEN: Well, there are gaps. I remember Mr. Rimmer spotted an S3 planet
on the scope and wanted to claim it on behalf of the Space Corps. As
usual the ceremony consisted of planting the flag and singing all 23
stanzas of the Space Corps Anthem. Then the planet started to erupt
around us, which, frankly, came as something of a relief.
LISTER: A moon quake?
KRYTEN: Worse. It was as if the entire planet was reshaping,
terraforming itself as we watched.
LISTER: And then?
KRYTEN: Then things got a bit sketchy. I remember an explosion and then
blackness. And then I remember Mr. Rimmer screaming. I have an image
of his face twisted with fear, pain, anguish, dread -- absolutely
mortified.
CAT: Did someone suggest he pick up the tab for lunch?
KRYTEN: Something took him. Something awful.
LISTER: Can we track him, Holly? Can you get a trace on his lightbee?
HOLLY: Got 'im. Click and a half due south.
KRYTEN: Suggest we continue the journey by land, sir. I'll lower the
caterpillar tracks.
He starts walking backwards towards the cockpit.
KRYTEN: I think I've just worked out what that missing circuit board is
for, sir.
11 Model Shot.
Shot of Starbug from the outside as it moves across the surface of the
planetoid, through a forest.
12 Int. Starbug Cockpit.
CAT: This is one weird place. Strange animal noises, unbearable stench,
squelchy underfoot. (To LISTER) It's just like your laundry basket at
the end of the month.
LISTER: Get anything?
KRYTEN: My guess: this is a Psi-moon.
CAT: Psi-moon?
KRYTEN: An artificial planetoid. It tunes into an individual psyche and
adapts its terrain to mimic his mental state. In this instance I
believe it reconfigured itself using Mr. Rimmer's subconscious as a
template.
LISTER: What are you saying to me, Kryten?
KRYTEN: We are interlopers inside Mr. Rimmer's mind.
A loud roar erupts from outside of Starbug.
CAT: This sounds like a 12-change-of-underwear trip.
LISTER: If this planet's Rimmer's mind, what is it that took him?
KRYTEN: All his neuroses. All his personal demons will be incarnated
here -- made flesh.
LISTER: Example?
KRYTEN: Well, each person's mindscape is unique but we could well
encounter, say, Mr. Rimmer's lust personified as some kind of
slobbering, rampaging beast.
LISTER: Rimmer's lust monster?! Urrgh.
KRYTEN: Every individual's mental landscape is dominated by one drive.
In some cases it might be ambition, in others greed, envy, or the
desire to please. Whatever it is that took Mr. Rimmer, we can only
pray that its intentions are benign.
LISTER: Aw, c'mon, he can't be in that much danger. I mean, he's a
hologram.
KRYTEN: Not here. Here he will have a physical form until he leaves and
any danger he may be in will be very real indeed.
13 Ext. Psi-moon. Night.
RIMMER is dressed in robes, wearing a crown of thorns, strung up on a
cross. The cross is in a cart which is being dragged along by little
druid-like people with red eyes who are wearing black robes.
RIMMER: Look, I don't know who you are, or what you think you're doing,
but I demand my right to a phone call.
The procession stops.
RIMMER: Yes, I thought that would stop you. I thought the threat of
legal action would have you running for cover.
RIMMER is now being dragged along by the arms.
RIMMER: Look, I'm trying to keep my temper, but you really are pushing
your luck now, my laddins.
14 Int. Dungeon.
RIMMER is chained to the wall.
RIMMER: Is this the British Embassy? Does it even look the remotest bit
like the British Embassy? I want to know who you are, what I'm doing
here, and I want to know now!
DRUID: In accordance with the appetites of the Dark One, the viscous
ruler of this domain, we, the hooded legions, proffer up this sacrifice
to slake the vile depraved thirstings of the Unspeakable One.
RIMMER: Well that's cleared that one up.
Two blonde maidens, wearing very little and carrying little pitchers,
walk in.
RIMMER: Ohhh! Thank God. Thank God. There were some very, very strange
men running around in black hoods with drums and rather unconvincing
red eyes. Thank God you're here. You know, I actually thought I was
in the most awful danger.
They rip his robe off and leave him standing there wearing nothing more
than sack cloth to cover his private parts.
RIMMER: Is it me or has it suddenly got rather hot in here?
15 Int. Starbug Cockpit.
LISTER: What's happening? Why have we stopped?
KRYTEN: I don't like the look of that swamp, sir. I don't think it will
support the 'Bug. I suggest we continue the journey on foot.
LISTER: You mean go out there?
CAT: Out into Rimmer's subconscious?
HOLLY: According to the signal we're almost on top of him. Shouldn't be
more than 2 or 3 hundred meters.
LISTER: Remember, it's Rimmer's mind out there. (Throws a bazookoid up
and catches it.) Expect sickness.
16 Int. Dungeon.
RIMMER is being caressed and covered with oil.
RIMMER: I'm a second technician in the Space Corps. I'm briefed to give
you my name and number and nothing more. I don't know who you are or
what you think you're playing at, but I'm not going to give you
anything else.
You can oil me all you like, you can use your tongues and your full
sensual lips to caress my erogenous zones onto a plateau of sexual
ecstasy. But I'll tell you now. This nut's not for cracking.
However, far be it for me to change your game plan, if you absolutely
insist on using erotic persuasion to achieve your devious ends, then so
be it. Just have a large Quatrofamagio pizza with extra olives ready
at the end.
The maidens start to leave and walk up a set of stairs to a gong.
RIMMER: Err, where are you going? Err, what are you doing? My God! Are
you going to take a flying leap?
MAID: We are going to summon the Master.
RIMMER: The Master?
MAID: You have been prepared for him.
RIMMER: This Master character -- and I acknowledge that I may not want to
know the full answer to this one -- but why does he want me oily in
particular? Obviously, whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my
being slippery and pliant, yes?
MAID: He always likes his victims to be oiled. An oiled body is so much
better for conducting electricity.
RIMMER: Not the best news, but it could have been worse.
The MAID sound the gong.
17 Ext. Swamp Of Despair. Night.
The Boys from the Dwarf are paddling across a bubbling swamp. Gas fires
burn around them and they are being watched by the hooded legions.
18 Ext. Outside the Fortress Of The Unspeakable One. Night.
They land the boat at a crumbling jetty and climb up onto the beach.
LISTER: Why I ever agreed to go for a stroll in Rimmer's psyche I will
_never_ know.
They come upon a sign that reads: SWAMP OF DESPAIR.
CAT: Aw terrific. This gets better and better.
LISTER: Is it just me or are those frogs saying, "Useless?"
FROGS: Useless, useless, Rimmer, Rimmer.
CAT: Hey look at this! You've got a huge great blood sucking leech on
your neck.
He pulls it off and examines it, and shows it to LISTER.
CAT: It's got a human face.
LISTER: It's Rimmer's mum!
KRYTEN: Here, come quickly. I think I've found a metaphor.
LISTER: A what?
KRYTEN: Look at all these gravestones.
LISTER: "HERE LIES SELF-RESPECT, DIED AGE 24".
KRYTEN: They're all aspects of Mr. Rimmer's personality which are dead.
"GENEROSITY, DIED AGE NINE." "SELF-CONFIDENCE TAKEN FROM US, AGE
TWENTY-TWO."
LISTER: "HONOUR, GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN, DIED AGE TWELVE."
CAT has found a small one that reads CHARM.
CAT: Look at this. This one's minute.
LISTER: Check this one. This one's freshly dug.
KRYTEN: Who's it for?
The tombstone for an unfilled grave reads, HOPE.
KRYTEN: Oh! Psychologically speaking, Mr. Rimmer may be in far bigger
trouble than any of us ever suspected. If we don't get to him before
this grave is filled, we may never get out of this nightmare.
19 Int. Dungeon.
The UNSPEAKABLE ONE emerges from a pit in the floor. We never more than
a glimpse of it, but its breathing sounds just like Darth Vader's.
RIMMER: Boy, am I glad to see you. You must be the Unspeakable One.
Just to fill you in, there's been a gigantic administrative cockup.
Some of your staff have _somehow_ mistaken me for a virgin.
UNSPEAKABLE ONE: Stop your putrid whining you dact tuft of rectal pubic
hair.
RIMMER: Sorry. Yes, I do tend to jabber on a bit when I'm nervous.
The UNSPEAKABLE ONE gets a branding iron from a fire. The brand is 'H'.
RIMMER: I've never been partial to physical torture. It's actually
always been one of my... worst nightmares actually.
UNSPEAKABLE ONE: Now, all your nightmares will come true here. All of
them.
20 Int. Tunnel.
LISTER: He's got to be somewhere near here. We should be right on top of
him.
A loud roar disturbs them.
CAT: Whatever it was, let's hope it's had lunch.
KRYTEN: It's right below us.
RIMMER: (VO, from below) Who are you?
LISTER: (Lister finds a grate) Here.
They crouch down and peer through a grate on the tunnel floor. Through
the holes, they can see RIMMER, chained to the dungeon wall.
RIMMER: (VO) And why are you being so horrible to me?
21 Int. Dungeon.
UNSPEAKABLE ONE: It is you who created me, nurtured me, help me grow
strong. I am the part of you that hates yourself. I am your self-
loathing.
RIMMER: My self-loathing?
UNSPEAKABLE ONE: Is it not true that you despise yourself? That you
detest your own incompetence and stupidity? That you hold yourself in
contempt for your countless failures and disappointments? Is it not
true that you feel nothing but the deepest, blackest rancor for that
walking vomit stain the world calls Arnold Rimmer? Is it not true?
RIMMER: (Weakly) Yes.
22 Int. Tunnel.
LISTER: Look, we've got two choices. Either we go in with bazookoids
blazing and try and somehow get him out of there or we sit here like
lemons and watch him get tortured.
CAT: Anybody got any opera glasses?
LISTER: Set bazookoids to kill-stuff-and-mount -- we're going in.
(Signaling to KRYTEN to help him with the grate) Kryten?
23 Int. Dungeon.
The UNSPEAKABLE ONE is approaching RIMMER, weilding the burning brand.
Suddenly, the posse arrives, bazookoids blazing. They pound the
UNSPEAKABLE ONE with wave upon wave of bazookoid fire. The roof starts
to collapse around them.
UNSPEAKABLE ONE: Is it my turn now?
The UNSPEAKABLE ONE has seemingly suffered no ill effects from the
bazookoid fire.
LISTER: (Panicky) Reload!
KRYTEN: But sir, another barrage of bazookoid fire could start a
rockslide and bury us all!
LISTER: Reload!
RIMMER: You'd risk your lives for _me_?
KRYTEN: Of course. You're part of the crew.
The UNSPEAKABLE ONE roars as if in pain and disappears back down into the
hole.
RIMMER's chains disappear and his uniform returns.
RIMMER: What happened?
LISTER: Weird.
CAT: Where'd he go?
KRYTEN: There's an old android saying which I believe is peculiarly
appropriate here.
The others, unnoticed by KRYTEN, sneak up the stairs to leave.
KRYTEN: In binary language it goes something like this:
001100111011000111100, which roughly translated means, "Don't stand
around jabbering when you're in mortal danger."
He looks around, realises that he needs to follow his own advice, and
makes off after them.
24 Ext. Outside The Fortress Of The Unspeakable One. Night.
RIMMER: Which way?
KRYTEN: Well, we go right at the Swamp of Despair, straight past the Wood
of Humiliation and then hard left at the Chasm of Hopelessness.
CAT: You're a weird guy, you know that?
25 Ext. Swamp Of Despair. Night.
A shot of the boys paddling back across the swamp to Starbug.
26 Int. Starbug Mid-section.
The boys enter. The others are glaring at RIMMER.
RIMMER: Why're you all looking at me like that? Like, as if this is all
my fault? Have you any idea what kind of day I've had? I've been
kidnapped, stripped, oiled, menaced, manacled, licked, nibbled,
chained, tortured, humiliated, and I nearly had a knobbly thing the
size and shape of a Mexican agabe cactus jammed up where only customs
men dare to probe.
CAT: Don't you know what this place is?
RIMMER: Yes, it's a hell hole. It's a nightmare. It's a stinking
infested pit of putridness.
LISTER: Rimmer, it's _your mind_.
KRYTEN: He's right, sir. This is a psi-moon. It's terrain was
landscaped by _your psyche_.
RIMMER: So... So what are you saying to me? That thing... that, that
beast... that lives inside my mind?
KRYTEN: Metaphorically, yes, sir.
RIMMER: Self-loathing? I don't loathe myself. What is there one could
possibly loathe about me?
KRYTEN: Would you like the list, sir?
RIMMER: What list?
KRYTEN: Well. There's the fact that you were despised by your parents
for failing to achieve their standards; the fact that your three
brothers were all such high flyers in the Space Corps and you ended up
servicing chicken soup machines; there's your inability to form long
term relationships with anyone; your cowardliness; your lack of charm,
honour, or grace; and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire
life no one has truly liked you because you are so fundamentally
unlikeable.
RIMMER: Oh, that!
KRYTEN: Please don't interrupt, sir. I'm only halfway through my list.
Now where was I? Oh yes--
LISTER: I think he's got the point, Kryten.
RIMMER: God, I'm such a mess.
Starbug shudders.
LISTER: What's that?
HOLLY: Trouble. We've hit quicksand. We're being sucked down.
LISTER: Hit the retros.
HOLLY: Can't get any lift, but they're keeping us stable. Ten minutes
before they burn out.
CAT: OK. I say get into the jet-powered rocket pants and junior-birdman
the hell out of here.
KRYTEN: An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny
drawbacks: A. We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and B.
There's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the ...
outside the fictional serial Robbie Rocket Pants.
CAT: Well that's put a crimp an otherwise damn fine plan.
HOLLY: Hang on. I'm getting a powerful energy emission.
27 Int. Starbug Cockpit.
The group hurries in from the back.
UNSPEAKABLE ONE: (VO) Hand over the worm and your lives will be spared.
My quarrel is not with you. It's with that excremental smear who
cowers amongst you. If you attempt to shield him, then I shall unleash
the full terrible fury of my hooded hordes against you. You have ten
minutes.
28 Int. Starbug Mid-section.
RIMMER walks out of the cockpit, followed by LISTER.
LISTER: Where are you going?
RIMMER: Where do you think I'm going? You heard him! If I don't hand
myself over he's going to throw everything he's got at Starbug.
LISTER: What? You're really going to give yourself up?
RIMMER: No. I'm going down to the engine room to cower behind one of the
boilers. And I suggest you all find ingenious places to tremble behind
too.
HOLLY: If you want my opinion the only way anyone's to get out of here
alive is by working out some way of killing that thing.
KRYTEN: How? Bazookoids were totally ineffective against it. It's
invulnerable.
RIMMER: We're finished.
Starbug shudders again and sinks some more.
HOLLY: Increasing retros to max. Now stable.
KRYTEN: Now wait a minute. Hmmm. (Clears throat, then turns to RIMMER.)
This is all your fault, you know, you little glob of terburculatic
sputum.
Starbug shudders again and sinks even further.
KRYTEN: Ah hah! Interesting. (Laughs) Sir, you are a cruddy little scud
ball with all the innate lovability of an itchy veruka.
Starbug shudders again.
KRYTEN: Excellent. Mr. Lister, Cat -- confabulation in the cockpit.
They leave for the cockpit and RIMMER gets up to follow.
KRYTEN: (To RIMMER) Ah, not you, sir.
29 Int. Cockpit.
KRYTEN: Sirs, I think I have it. The real enemy is not out there, it is
in Starbug with us. The real enemy is inside Mr. Rimmer's head.
CAT: Nice plan. So we remove his head and everything's cool, right?
LISTER: No, wait a minute. That's gone right up my flagpole, that has,
Kryten. I'm saluting that one.
CAT: What?
LISTER: When we first drove back the beast in the cavern, it wasn't the
bazookoid fire the forced him into the pit. It was when you told
Rimmer we wouldn't desert him.
KRYTEN: Precisely.
LISTER: So if we can make Rimmer feel wanted, feel cared about...
KRYTEN: If we can make him feel good about himself, somehow restore his
self-esteem and his pride, that would automatically vanquish the self-
loathing beast, or at least debilitate it long enough for us to break
free of this quicksand and get off this God forsaken psi-moon.
CAT: How do we make him feel good? What is there about him to feel good
about?
LISTER: We've got to tell him we love him.
CAT: Arrrrgh, you're sick! I want no part of this depravity!
KRYTEN: He must not suspect we are insincere. Our lives depend on it.
Ready?
CAT: I'll never be ready.
30 Int. Mid-section.
RIMMER is sitting slumped on a packing crate, his face a rictus of shame,
fear, and self-pity. The door to the cockpit slides open. CAT, KRYTEN
and LISTER, framed in the doorway, put on what they probably believe are
sincere-looking smiles. They look constipated.
LISTER: Listen, we've been talking and the three of us have decided to
stay with you and face the danger. All for one and that, you know?
RIMMER: Really?
KRYTEN: Sir, I'd just like to take this opportunity to say that you are a
very beautiful person.
LISTER: What he means is, that we're all facing certain death here and I
think it's about time we let each other know exactly how we feel about
each other.
RIMMER: You think that's a good idea?
They all gather round RIMMER. LISTER sits down beside him, and KRYTEN
sits on an adjoining crate. CAT stays standing at a safe distance.
LISTER: Its just that guys generally aren't terrific at ... you know...
KRYTEN: Expressing their feelings.
LISTER: Yeah. They kid around and insult each other and stuff. And what
they really mean is... Well, they can't tell you the stuff they really
mean.
RIMMER: What are you trying to tell me?
LISTER: Just trying to say that whatever happens here, I want you to know
I really care about you.
LISTER puts his hand on RIMMER's knee and RIMMER looks at it, rather
surprised.
KRYTEN: We _all_ do, sir.
KRYTEN puts his hand on RIMMER's other knee and RIMMER looks almost
disgusted.
CAT: It's true. _They_ really do care about you.
RIMMER: Only this morning you referred to me as a cancerous polyp on the
anus of humanity.
LISTER: In an affectionate way. In a kidding around, joking, friendly,
affectionate way.
KRYTEN: Sir, what he's trying to say is that we may never get another
opportunity to articulate our feelings and I, for one, would just like
to take this opportunity to say that you're a splendant man and a much-
respected colleague and a -- gosh darn it -- damn good friend.
HOLLY: We're getting some lift.
RIMMER: Wait a minute. I know why you're doing this.
HOLLY: Going down.
RIMMER: You're trying to make me feel guilty, aren't you? It's a
transparent attempt to shame me into doing the honourable thing.
LISTER: (Protesting) No, it's not that at all.
KRYTEN: (With LISTER) What gave you that idea?
RIMMER: Well, why is it then?
LISTER: Our number is up here and I don't want to go out without setting
the record straight. It's not easy saying this one man to another,
but, I love you, man. I really, really love you.
HOLLY: Going up.
KRYTEN: I think it might be a good idea at this time if we try and get
into a kind of a four-way hug situation.
RIMMER: What's wrong with you?
KRYTEN: I don't think people touch enough, sir. I think people should
touch more.
LISTER and KRYTEN grab CAT, and they all start to hug RIMMER. CAT looks
about as disgusted as it is possible to get.
LISTER: I love you, Arnie. This is a beautiful man. Big Man.
KRYTEN: This is a beautiful moment, isn't it?
LISTER: You're a big man. We love you, A.J.!
RIMMER: God. Oh...
HOLLY: Quick, get into the cockpit. There's something very strange
happening out there.
31 Ext. Graveyard.
We see RIMMER's SELF-RESPECT and his SELF-CONFIDENCE rise from the dead,
looking like two members of the three musketeers.
UNSPEAKABLE ONE: Charge, my hordes of darkness! Bring me the head of the
Despicable One.
But SELF-RESPECT and SELF-CONFIDENCE bar their way, blades flashing.
SELF-RESPECT: Have at you, Bitterness!
SELF-CONFIDENCE: Take that, Self-doubt!
SELF-RESPECT: Die like the dog you are, Mistrust!
SELF-CONFIDENCE: Feel my blade, Loneliness. May your foulness rot in
hell!
32 Int. Starbug Cockpit.
HOLLY: We're getting some lift.
KRYTEN: Twenty metres. That's enough for liftoff.
HOLLY: We're almost clear.
33 Model Shot.
Starbug lifting off.
34 Int. Cockpit.
RIMMER: It was all baloney, wasn't it?
LISTER: What was?
RIMMER: All that hugging stuff back there. It was just a way of
escaping, wasn't it? I mean you didn't really feel that deep down I'm
an OK sort of bloke; I'm not such a bad old stick once you get to know
me. You didn't really mean any of that, did you?
The others pause briefly to glance at each other and then respond
together.
OTHERS: (Matter-of-factly) No.
Credits:
Rimmer Chris Barrie
Lister Craig Charles
Cat Danny John-Jules
Holly Hattie Hayridge
Kryten Robert Llewellyn
Handmaidens Sara stockenridge
Francine Walker-Lee
Associate Producer Julian Scott
Director Juliet May
Producer Hilary Bevan Jones
Executive Producers Rob Grant
Doug Naylor
Music Howard Goodall
Casting Jane Davies
Production Accountant Joanna Birkinshaw
Unit Manager Irene Gibbons
Video Effects Bruce Steele
Jez Gibson
Production Team Nichol Hoye
Mairead Curtin
Camera Supervisor Rocket
Vision Mixer Simon Sanders
Vision Supervisor Mike Spencer
Gaffer Ron Green
Consol Operator Dai Thomas
Property Master Paul Purdy
Properties Buyer Stella McIntyre
Technical Manager Jeff Jeffery
Videotape Editor Graham Hutchings
Stage Manager Kerry Waddell
Production Assistant Christine Moses
Costume Design Howard Burden
Gill Shaw
Make Up Design Andria Pennell
Belinda Parresh
Visual Effects Design Peter Wragg
Paul McGuinness
Sound Supervisor Keith Mayes
Lighting Director John Pomphrey
Production Design Mel Bibby
Stephen Bradshaw
Red Dwarf V (C) BBC TV MCMXCII
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